Tag Archives: letting go

Wednesday Night Ruminations.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I left work about 6 tonight, 9 hour day.  Stopped at the store on the way home, because my house is so barren after being gone 4 days.  I was eating dinner about 7:45 and the guy I talked to that wants to meet called me.  We talked for a half hour, and it was fun!  We laughed, we related.  We like a lot of the same things.  Including beaches, the ocean.  He told me about a place he likes to eat in a fishing village in Rhode Island.  When we hung up, and I said, I’m looking forward to it (meeting him), he said, “Me too!  We have so much in common.”

So, so far it appears hopeful.  You never can tell til you meet someone, if there’s any chemistry.  I hope there is.

I was a bit angry with S, for not leaving me alone, and trying to manipulate my emotions again.  Creating chaos which in my head, which is his specialty.  (Along with my ex)  But I got over it, by thinking about A, and how he treats me from 2000 miles away, he can make me feel loved and cared for.  He is such a blessing to me, I was wishing that he was here last night.  I think about how I gave up his sweet love for S, God how stupid I was.  But I was lucky, A still tells me he loves me.

S….is full of his old BS.  Maybe I have been a challenge to him, IDK.  But I hope he will crawl back into the woodwork with his bitchy, silent, thoughtless, selfish girlfriend and leave me alone. She’s perfect for him.

Being with my family reminded me how it feels to be loved unconditionally, without games and manipulation, and being used, taking without giving.  And A….who reminds me that I am valuable, to him.  He makes me feel good about myself.  The man I’m going to meet seems to be like A, positive, happy with himself, loves his family the way I love mine. So we at least have the basis of the same values.

I think that because I came from such a dysfunctional marriage, I thought I needed to be with someone who had experienced dysfunction in their life, or they wouldn’t understand me.  I thought I wasn’t healthy enough for a healthy person.  As it turned out, I am, healthy enough for a healthy person.  My basis, my values, instilled in me as a child, are still there, and still what I crave.  I still like people who are outside the box, but not dysfunctional. No loners please.  No one so selfish that they would do what was done to me, and then not leave me alone.

I guess that was the lesson, and lessons never come easily.  Pain is necessary to grow, and the lesson here is that I am not dysfunctional.  And that it doesn’t take someone who has lived with dysfunction to understand me.  In fact, someone who has lived with it his whole life is less likely to understand me, or anyone.

I know I maybe sound angry and bitter.  Well, yeah, to be dumped as I was, to realize that he’s been seeing her since she first called him, and not telling me, to be playing me now….that does still make me angry.  But I don’t care that he’s with her, I see that they are two loner peas in a pod.  Perfect for each other.  A lifestyle that is the last thing I would want.  The very last choice I would make.  Games.  I wish I could find out who gets to screw the other one first.  I could take bets, maybe make some money, lol.

But mostly, I just don’t give a damn what goes on down there.  There are still moments when I wonder why I got treated so poorly, and then I remember that he does the best he can, with his level of consciousness at the time.  I don’t expect he will change.  And I don’t care if he does.

My life is moving on, happily.

Blessed, Just Blessed

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s the day after, lol.  I am exhausted, but happy.  Sitting in my sisters gorgeous home on the side of mountain, it looks like a castle, and feels like one.  I feel like a princess at the moment.

The wedding was the happiest most wonderful experience I have had in so long.  Years, maybe.  My whole family, except my son and my mother, are here.  My sisters, nieces and nephews, and old family, my ex brother-in-law and his awesome new wife, his sister and her husband, my current brother-in-laws family, his daughter and son. Friends of my niece that I haven’t seen in 30 years or so.

We were cracking up, saying it’s just a lovefest when we are all together.  So much laughter, hugging, catching up, and in this gorgeous setting.  The wedding was at the log cabin I put up a pic of in my last blog, it’s another of my sister’s beautiful homes.

The vows took place at 5 pm under an arbor built on the dock in the lake.  There was a bar set up on an overturned john boat down near the lake, with wine, beer and hot apple cider.  Up near the house was a huge tent, heated, with a dance floor, dj and tables for 160 people.  There was another bar near the house, and appetizers everywhere that my sis had planned and we had all pitched in to put together.  The dinner was a buffet BBQ.  Perfect.

The weekend was so what I needed. To be surrounded by people whose values, and life experiences are shared, and are the basis for all our interactions.  We have all had our setbacks, we have all dealt with adversity, tragedy, but our love for each other overrides all else.  I had forgotten how my little sis can make me laugh.  She’s the one person that with me, can get hysterical and we can’t stop laughing.  It was joyous.

My older sis just did so much work for this day.  She had everything laid out perfectly.  She had a minute by minute itinerary, so that nothing would be forgotten.  (Although, my little sis and I are so much more laid back, we were laughing saying to each other “our sister had some control issues.”  because when she tasked us with getting the cheese trays for 160 people ready, she wanted to tell us exactly how to cut the cheese into cubes, lol )  But she is beautiful, smart, funny, and only she in our family could have pulled this off.  Not to mention between the two houses, there were bedrooms enough for all the immediate family.

At one point after dinner, in the tent, I was watching the dancing and “We are family” came on.  I got up and ran to my two sisters, and we danced together, to “We are family, I got all my sisters and me.”  We included in our dance circle, where we had our arms entwined, everyone who cared to join us and brought in everyone we could find.  We all felt like family. I am so blessed.  Just so blessed.

I got a few nice texts from A, hoping I was having a good time, and making me laugh.  I got a nice voice mail from a man I spoke to last week, also wishing me a wonderful weekend, and saying he hoped to meet me when I got back.  And a text from yet a man who has asked me to call him when I get back.  I have let go of the past, I am so looking forward to the future, and letting the old stuff just rest in the realm of life experiences.  I am good with it all.

I think I’m being redundant, here, lol.  I think I said that last blog, but it is so true.  At the end of the day, we only gain from each life experience.

And so, onward.  Life is indeed wonderful.

The Keeper of the Secrets

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a text conversation with S yesterday.  It was not with the intention of getting back together, it was with the intention of not leaving things so ugly.

S is S.  I fell in love with the man I saw last winter, a year ago.  The man who would have me over, we’d talk, eat, listen to music, dance in his living room, watch tv, make love, sleep, spend Sundays as he showed me all the secret beautiful places he knew, while he told me stories. There was always laughter, there was never an argument.

In the spring, he began to withdraw, to want time to himself.  I don’t know if he was afraid he was falling in love, he told me in late winter he was open to whatever developed between us and those two glorious weeks that he gave me will always be some of my best memories.

Then his best friend became really ill, (he was older than S by quite a bit) and died.  With his death it seemed, went S’s joy.  Maybe it was coincidental, that he began to pull away at that exact time.  I just know that’s when it began.  I remember going to his house, and finding him sitting on the couch, bereft.  I just sat with him.  I didn’t know his friend (or anyone else in his life) but I knew there were not too many people he felt close to, and this man had been his friend for 40 years or so.

I would say that’s when the walls went back up.  When he decided that loving someone hurt too  much, and chose to withdraw.

In the conversation with him yesterday, I realized that’s the attraction to her.  She demands nothing of him.  He demands nothing of her.  They don’t talk, there is no deep, loving conversation between them.   I think he can fully justify his real lack of care for her because of what she did. I think their relationship has always been like this, and he says it has, then they have been doing to each other, and paying each other back, for the entire time.  He doesn’t tell her his secrets,and I’m sure she doesn’t either.  I’m not sure what’s between them, at all.  It seemed to me that to be with her, he has to deny who he is.  And I guess he does this in exchange for a silent, literally, partner.

The man I loved would never ever be untrue to who he was.  But I found out yesterday all the secrets he hides from her, including wanting to have sex with me during the week when they are not communicating, including very heavy sexting with me (which I no longer respond to).  She doesn’t play with him during the week as we did. I asked him what the attraction is, because she seems kind of uptight for him.  He said, she doesn’t talk much.

I was not hurt in this conversation.  I realize that the longer it went on, the easier it was to let go.  I don’t even know this man.  I don’t get exchanging a closed mouth for a relationship that leaves you needing to go outside of it to be satisfied.  But I suppose in the same way, he can’t understand wanting a rich close intimate in every way relationship, though we had that for awhile.  I thought he was happy with it.  Until he lost his best friend, and I think decided love hurts too much.

I wouldn’t have hurt him. Ever.  I still love the man I loved.  This new man, I don’t know, and don’t particularly like, though I still see the one I love, buried in there and will never just walk away.  I’ll always be around to talk to him.

I feel like the keeper of his secrets.  I don’t know if I even know them all, but he told me many, quantified that he’d never told anyone else.  I had no judgement of him because of them, they just helped me know him.  I always thought they were the incidents that made him into the man I loved.  He was the sum total of his experiences, and I loved who he was, then.  I remember sitting in his living room, him telling me how bad he was, how could I say I loved him.  I said, “It was all a long time ago.  It made you who you are.  And I see you, I see you completely and I love that person.”

This new guy, who is detached, and self serving, and would get involved with this woman who has no scruples, but doesn’t talk to him, leaving him free to be with whoever he wants during the week…I don’t know him.  He’s not someone I would fall for.  But the one who sat on my deck and we talked about our lives and lessons and philosophy and flirted and bantered back and forth, for hours, I love him, I will always love him.

So when I miss him, I miss the guy I loved.  There’s nothing there for me to miss now, so I can let go.  I have let go.  I will be friends with him, I think he, more than anyone I’ve ever known, needs to have someone consistently love him, but love is a many faceted jewel.  I won’t love him the way I did, but I’ll always love him without judgement, without limit.

I’m going to my niece’s wedding today, and I feel free of that huge burden of rejection, hurt, pain.  I’m not jealous of Betty Boop.  I would NEVER want a relationship like they have. I don’t want the man she has.  My heart is free, two weeks later, to find love again.  I’m happy that I feel this way, especially going to see my family.  I will be able to fully enjoy them, there will be no dark cloud over my head.  I am open, and that’s a huge part of attracting what you want, being open to letting it in.

I’ll be his keeper of secrets.  I’m good with that. I’m still honored to be trusted in that way, and won’t break that trust. (My ability to trust him is another story altogether.)  I’ll always feel tender toward him, because I see him. I’ve always seen him.  That’s probably why he could tell me what he has.  Because, I see him, and love that being in his center, just because he exists.  Even though he’s locked up right now.

Disconnection

Posted on by learning to live like water

I saw S last night.  It was a kind of swan song, I guess, though not so graceful as a swan.  We got a take out pizza and took it up to a park and ate it outside, it was nice out, about 70.  He had been asking me to talk to me, so I finally relented, having things of my own to ask, and to say.

I wrote a blog last night, and then took it down.  I wrote another shorter one, and put it up, but it’s not here this morning, so I don’t know what happened to that one.  No big deal. I had just begun to process what happened anyway, and I felt confused, disjointed.  I still do, I will for some time.

He says he is not “with” her.  That he still does not want some intense loving relationship with anyone.  Ok, I can buy that.  But he’s spent part of the last two weekends with her, so he obviously would rather be with her than me.  I suppose, because I do feel intensely about him.  There is nothing about me that is not passionate.  The way I loved him, the way I love the ocean, the way I write, the way I feel about anything.  She and he don’t talk all week, they never did, he told me that when I met him. He likes that.  They would get together on the weekend, for some of the time.  I can’t even fathom, a 12 year relationship in which i didn’t communicate with my significant other all week, but got together on the weekend for some semblance of intimacy.  I could not even consider it a relationship, to bed someone that I was not involved with 5 days a week, and then suddenly saw on the weekend.  It would be like being with a stranger.

He always complained I talked too much.  I think he and she occupy the same space at times, but don’t have much to say. He buries his feelings, they are not up for discussion.  My feelings…well, my heart is on my sleeve.  No one ever has to wonder how i feel.  It’s the only way to be connected to the rest of the human race.  I know it is the only way to allow love into my life, and creativity, and joy, and trust.  I know now that not everyone deserves to hear my story, to have my trust.  But still, I will only temper the ease with which I lean into vulnerability, I won’t change it.  I think all humans crave connection, I agree with Brene Brown that it is basic to the human psyche.

To fall in love with a man who wished no real connection….well, it was not something I ever considered, that there are people who freely admit they don’t want that deep, rich, full connection with others. In this way, I understand that part of why he is “with” her, or not “with” her, as he says.  She wants no connection, nor does he.  They are acquaintances, who share some physical intimacy at times, but not really connection, because then they go their separate ways and have no interest in maintaining the tie for the next week.  No deepening of it, no reveling in it.  Just do it, enjoy it, and go home.  It’s a lifestyle I can’t fathom, and can walk away from, and leave it to them.

Personally I think she wanted more, which is why she cheated on him and left him.  Perhaps, in practicing disconnect all those year, she was unable to put herself out for someone else, and after the infatuation wore off, she couldn’t connect with her new husband.  She also went back to what she was comfortable with.  I would expect that she is a lot like S, with walls up to keep people out, and herself walled in.  The fact that she could leave him when he was dying, and take all she could from him, is another thing altogether.

I still don’t understand, why he would invite back into his life, someone who did what she did to him.  He said he wipes the slate clean, he doesn’t hold a grudge.  I said, I don’t hold one with my ex either, I have forgiven him for what he did to me.  But would I welcome him, and that, back into my life?  No, never.  I know what chaos he can cause…I know he hasn’t changed.  I know what he would bring.  It’s one thing to forgive, it’s quite another to ask to be taken down again by inviting it back in.  But it’s not my cross to bear, and I won’t be there to pick up the pieces for him when she does it again.

In the meantime, he has the relationship with which he is comfortable.  Physical need fulfilled when he needs it, and not to have to give anything up.

The whole thing makes it much easier to let go.  I can love the man, I will always love the time we spent together on my deck, in my bed, driving around on excursions, our funny flirty texts. But knowing that what drives him is an intense desire to be alone, even when he is with someone, just allows me to let go.  It is the opposite of what drives me.

I love connection. I love intimacy, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.  I know there are men out there who love it too.  I now look forward to finding one, and putting S into the “someone that I once loved” category.  It’s where he wants to be.

He said, “Can we still know each other, can’t I still call you and see how you’re doing in Florida?”  I suppose, maybe someday, his voice won’t hurt me, it won’t remind me how I loved a man who wanted no part of it.  Maybe someday we can be “friends”. The trouble is I will never be that disconnected.  The love I feel for him will always be there between us, even when it’s buried, and I have let a new love into my heart, and built a relationship with someone who wants to reciprocate, I’m not sure I can ever talk to him without remembering.

Right now, I am looking forward to moving on, but I’m not moved on yet.  I still feel wrecked, broken, confused, rejected.  I had hoped for some tenderness from him last night, I guess that’s why I went, hoping he’d at least own the fact that his actions devastated me.  But there was none.  There was more him telling me it was my own fault, that he was honest with me.  He was….but he knew how I felt, and did nothing to mitigate the pain that what he was doing caused me.  I can own the fact that I loved him without limit, knowing he didn’t want to, and didn’t feel the same. But so what, he knew.  He spent time with me knowing how I felt.  He pulled me back to him in every time I tried to leave. Why he did that I don’t know.  It was dishonest. There is something abusive about that, being pulled in, just to fulfill his ego, with no intention.  “I don’t want you to dump me” he said to me back then.  So, he wanted my adoration, he wanted what I did for him. And he used me, and threw me out.

Last night I realized that I am left by myself to find my way back.   He says he has feelings too.  And he’s all about what he’s feeling, making sure I understand what they are, but he’s not able to feel empathy for me.  Disconnect.  Walling oneself in, so no one can get in, and you can’t get out, and the only thing that matters is what you feel.  As I can’t comprehend the disconnect he has, he cannot fathom the love I felt.

He watched me cry and shake.  He made no move to comfort me.  He had no remorse, no empathy. Cold.

It was a little hard to take.

But he is who he is.  Like I said, I can much more easily let go.  I knew when I met with him, that if nothing else, I would get clarity.  And really, that’s all I got.  But it’s something. It is positive motion.  Pretty soon, I’ll stop writing about him.  This blog will anger him I’m sure, but that seems to be all he can feel with me anyway.  Anger because I wanted to be with him, anger that I loved him and wanted him to love me back.  Anger that I wasn’t satisfied with the non-loving relationship he’s been trying to push on me for 6 months now. Anger that I can write so openly about him and I.  Don’t worry S, no one will ever know who you are.  She walked back into his life, and he could suddenly have that disconnected, shallow relationship that he wants, where he doesn’t have to give anything of himself.  Oh, maybe money, maybe things, but not anything of himself.

It was me who finally said, “We really don’t have anything to talk about” and got up to walk to the car.  There was no hug and kiss goodbye, there was nothing said.  I gave him the pizza I’d bought, that i didn’t eat one piece of. We just each got in our car, and drove home, knowing that there really was no way back.

Disconnected. Over. Done.

Onward, as Liz Gilbert says.  Onward.

Add-on:  I just remembered, when I talked to him on that fateful Saturday, when he told me he was going to be with her, I asked  him if she knew that he texted me at 4 am, that he asked for pictures of me the night before.  He said, no.  I said “well tell her, she deserves to know the truth. ” When he objected, I said, you tell her, or I will do everything in my power to tell her myself.”  At that, he got furious, and threatened me, enough so that I screen-shot the text, for my own protection.  So, that he’s not “with” her seems to be her doing, not his.  He clearly thought he was “with” her when he spoke to me that morning, and didn’t want any interference of the truth to change it.  And now he rewrites history.

Silence is a Response

Posted on by learning to live like water

S responded to me at midnight last night.  Except, it was a non-response.  No mention of the cruel and juvenile way he told me about Betty Boop.  Instead he has chosen to make a battle of texting vs. talking.  I’m not talking, and since he can’t address my questions about why he did what he did, or own it, I don’t need any more information.  Not going to get into a battle over how we are going to communicate, for God’s sake.  The fact that I am, after what he did, is far enough for me to go.

I won’t play a game with him about this.  His first  two texts, which he said he wouldn’t do, were angry.  He says they weren’t, but he was swearing.  Again…he wants to argue over this.  I do not.  I only want to know he owns what he does, and the consequences of that.  Anything else is frivolous, really.  He has made his choice about who he wants in his life.  And I would never trust him again, so there’s not much to talk about.

He can ease my pain if he chooses, by owning up to what he did, but really…he doesn’t have to now.  His refusal tells me where he’s at.  He’ll say he has not refused, only refused to text.  Whatever.  I refuse to talk to him, I am the one bleeding and I don’t want to give up the layer of protection that texting vs. talking gives me. If he can’t respect that, and understand it, then so be it. Again, enough of an answer, to have him demand I talk to him.

I don’t have an answer about why he was so cruel, nor has he owned the fact that he is, and I’m done asking  for either.  I am fine this morning, with a greater understanding of why he chose her (in great part because I won’t let things go until they are resolved.  There is no lump under my carpet to trip on) and the realization that I really hate these endless circular conversations that never accomplish anything.  Either way, answer or not, it helps to pave the road to letting go, and moving on.

As I said yesterday, I know I broke the rule of NC yesterday, but it gave me clarity and helped my healing get off of the stuck place it was.  So I’m glad I followed my heart, and got the information that will help me let go.  It’s all good.

Well On My Way

Posted on by learning to live like water

Saturday morning.  I slept almost 8 hours.  I have not done that in weeks, probably before Betty Boop first showed on the scene a month ago.  I feel good, I woke without a knot in my stomach this morning, in fact, with a smile on my face.

I think his voice mail yesterday, his sick sorry attempt to “comfort” me was the key.  I really really saw and disliked him with that voice mail. It infuriated me, but when the fury stopped, I took ownership of my life, and realized everything happens for a reason, and the reason all this happened was because he did not, does not, belong in my life. I don’t wish him ill, I really feel emotionless when it comes to him right now.  No love, no pain, no hurt, no desire.  He’s just someone that I used to love, like my ex husband.  Like the Pink Floyd song “There is no pain you are receding.”  Finally.

I am hoping that since he has no way to respond to me about my blog, he will quit reading them.  But at least if he does, I will not have to deal with whatever he thinks about them.  I won’t know, and that’s a good thing.

I sit here and realize I have no stress this morning. I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to want to see me, I don’t have to wonder if he does will he just want to spend a few hours or will he grace me with some of his time, I don’t have to worry about battling it out with him if he is looking for a “nice afternoon.” I don’t have to wonder where I stand with him. I don’t have to wonder about him at all.  I didn’t realize how much stress I have had the last 6 months with him, always wondering about our relationship.  It feels good, so good.  I feel free today, for the first time. I don’t even feel loss, this morning, which is pretty amazing to me.

I feel like I battled it out all week, and this morning I know I won the fight.  My heart is not pounding, the roar in my head is silenced, my blood sugar has gone back into the good range. I”m not feeling nauseous.  When the physical symptoms of stress, and grief have alleviated, I know I am ok.

The gongs helped I’m sure.  I tried to focus on letting him go, and now, 2 days later, I feel free of  him.  I’m so glad that I know how to deal with my emotions.  Not to bury them, but to  honor them, and let myself feel them, until they are calmed, and subsided.  I always said to him, “It will hurt, but I am strong, I’ll get through it.”  A week later, I am well on my way to the other side.

I’m going to go full tilt boogie into getting my house ready to sell at first light next spring.  I have so much to do.  A friend is loaning me a power washer to do my deck this weekend, I think.  I can paint/stain it when I get back from the wedding next weekend.  That’s one of the biggest jobs I have to do.  I have recruited my son to help me for a few hours at some point this weekend, since he’s off, to get the house good and clean.  I slept so poorly this week, and worked late almost every night, I had no energy to give the house in the few hours I was home.

I was just thinking of his smart ass email to me, when I blogged that I was ok with never seeing him again.  “Be careful you don’t get carpal tunnel patting yourself on your back.”  Well you know what?  I had the surgery, I snipped out the  thing that was causing me pain.  And it’s healing beautifully.  And if I want to pat myself on my back, along with all my friends, for recovering so quickly from utterly cruel devastation, then I will do it. I don’t have to live with what he did.  But he does.

Who Will Walk Through The Fire With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friends house for dinner and a bottle of wine.  We were gonna go out but changed our minds.  It was really nice to just sit with two people who love each other, and love me, as a close close friend.  My friend and I went off to gab girl talk.  She’s a psychiatric nurse,and had some insight on my week’s struggles.  We are close, been friends for years.  Our kids met in the 5th grade, about 15 years ago, we have been friends since.  She’s one of the members of my book club.

We somehow got onto sexuality, probably in discussing my recently ended relationship.  I told her I dived into sex too early, with S, and it was nice to have someone I could consider a partner in it.  So, it was part of the attachment problem for me, because they go hand in hand for me, sex and attachment.  I guess S enjoyed it…he told me a few times it was the best he ever had.   And trust me, he had had many sexual partners. He did tell me I was overconfident, lol, but was laughing when he said it.  So…my friend wanted to know what I did to make it the best, lol.  I said, I loved him.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she loves her husband very much and they are best friends.  She would just like  him  to feel that way, like it was the best.  I was able to talk to her, about being with S, without pain.

So I am good tonight.  I know I won’t get blindsided by my past tonight.  I can’t imagine it would be important enough for S to make a trip up here, to convince me he didn’t do anything wrong, so I am pretty sure I’m in the clear. It’s nice to feel good, in control of my life, and not scattered, not 1000 threads of my life scattered in different directions, trying to grasp something to hold onto.

I’ve been reading Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  It’s about being able to get up, strongly, when you are knocked out for the count by someone.  Because as she says, if you’re gonna be vulnerable, which is a strength, because it’s the birthplace of creativity, joy, love, and worthiness, and belonging, then you are gonna get knocked down.  And it’s all about our ability to rise from the floor, strong.

She teaches looking at a problem in 3 acts…the definition of the issue, the action in which the issue is addressed, and the final resolution, where all things come together, to make you stronger, smarter, and learn a lesson. She says we forget the second act.  We want to brush over our struggles, our battles to work ourselves out of pain, heartache, anger., whatever the emotion is that you are struggling with.  But really that struggle is where it’s at.  That’s where we learn, where we become strong.

So, I am slugging it out with heartache, the second act, but tonight I’m winning.  I am seeing clearly here.  I am not a pile of mush, I am actually happy tonight.  I had dinner with people I love and who love me.  I had texted with my dear friend A.  My girlfriend asked me if I am not leading him on, but no.  A is a good good friend.  I can tell him everything and anything.  He knows exactly how I felt about S.  We have talked about our own chemistry, our own relationship, nothing held back. There are no secrets.  We flirt on occasionally, in the morning, when I’m getting ready for work and we are texting.  He tells me he loves me, still.  I have said it to him.  Because he’s willing to walk through the fire with me, to make sure I’m not alone.  How could I not love him?  I am really blessed.

I see, now, that S would never walk through the fire with me, or for me.  He would have not even held out his hand to me.  It’s whatever, I don’t care tonight. The passion I have had for him is waning. I’m grateful there are people in my life that would walk through the fire with me, for me.  I would have done it for S, I would do it for A.  And my family of friends here.

There is no reason to be morose.  My life is rich and full, and I am blessed.

N.O. W.A.Y. B.A.C.K.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Here is what set me back so far yesterday.

Wednesday night I put up the blog about how far I’d come in 5 days, so far that the realization that I will  never see him again did not hurt.  I was glad to get to a place where that didn’t hurt me.

I forgot, momentarily, that he reads my blog.  I hate that he reads them, it makes me measure my words.  It is like a censor, I don’t feel like I can write down my real feelings all the time.  Especially now.  I am already too vulnerable to him.  He already had proven he doesn’t deserve to hear my story. I was hoping that since he now had Betty Boop and had thrown me out of his life like yesterday’s  trash that he would stop reading them. (I’ve chosen to just write down what I feel this morning, and let happen whatever will happen from putting it all out on the table.)

But he read it. He sent me an email, since texting is cut off to him, saying something like ” You might get carpal tunnel from patting yourself on the back.”  I deleted it, with no response. I would have liked it if he were happy I had come so far in healing from his unfathomable betrayal.  But no, he was a smart ass.  He didn’t like that I was healing.  He prefers me hurting.

I went to bed around my normal time, 10, and read, and then tried to get to sleep.  I was almost asleep when a friend texted me.  When I opened the phone, it opened to voice mail, I don’t know why, I must have accidentally left it on VM. I saw a blocked voice mail, which could only have been S.  I listened (big mistake) to him say, “I don’t know what to say.  I really miss you.”

This is 5 days after he completely and totally devastated me, decimated our relationship. Chose Betty Boop. 5 days after he texted me at 4 am, and followed up with a text telling me he was spending the weekend with her.  5 days later, he misses me.

All I could think is HOW DARE HE?  HOW DARE HE?

Naturally, I didn’t sleep much.  maybe 3, 3 1/2 hrs.

It infuriated me. He was simply playing with my emotions.  A manipulation to make me think about him.  He didn’t like that I could think about never seeing him again and not hurt over it, so he stuck a knife in the wound again, so that I would hurt again.

Cruel.  Heartless.  Selfish beyond belief.

He didn’t say, “I made a mistake. I’m so sorry I hurt you like that.  I’m not with her.”  He just said he misses me.

Duh. Of course he misses me.  I was the one, the only one, in his entire life to unconditionally love him.  Adore him. Accept him.  Ask nothing of him. I knew he would miss me.  He knew he would miss me.  Who cares?  He did what he did, he can’t undo it.  I told him there is no way back from this, when he did it.  There is not.  There is no way back to where we were.  He created an abyss, and whether or not he is happy with his decision, he made it.  We both have to live with it.

So yesterday my anger was renewed.  My healing had to start all over again.  The gaping bleeding wound in my heart, that actually physically hurts, had to begin all over again.  What kind of monster does this to someone?  Does he think so little of himself, that he doesn’t believe he can have any effect on people?  No.  He knows, if he knows anything, that I loved him more than ever at the moment he broke me. He knows what he’s doing.

My posts yesterday were meant to tell him to leave me alone.  I knew that the pain was going to follow the anger, it always does.  I hoped it would be during the gong bath, but it was really this morning.  Apparently I wasn’t ready last night, to accept and deal with the pain.This morning, I remembered how much I wanted to be with him, Friday night. How I sent him a text, telling him I would drive down to his house Friday night, I missed him, wanted to be with him so much. Maybe he was talking to her then.  I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

I have wondered, since he texted me when she left Sunday, and now with the voice mail, if maybe the reunion didn’t go quite the way he dreamed it would.  That maybe once you have had someone really love you, whatever she offered wasn’t enough.  I will never know, I don’t want to know.

I know, that I can never ever expose my heart to him again.  There is no trust, there is only hurt when I think of him.  There is only the knowledge that he can throw me away at a moments notice, first he prison whore, then the bimbo.  There is only the knowledge that he chose the woman who devastated him, over me, the woman who loved him without limit.  And that he was able to make that choice with as much cruelty as possible.  That he could crush me, without a tender word, without acknowledgment of anything decent.  Just telling me what he wanted.

So, does it hurt me to think I will never see him again?  No. It is actually a relief.  A relief to know that he won’t have the opportunity to ever again crush my heart.  His voice set me back to the beginning, made me re-ask all the questions I had realized were not answerable, and that I didn’t even want answers to.  I had to go back and now work myself back to the place where I know that nothing he can say can fix what he did.

If he decided he made a mistake choosing her, so what?  So if it wasn’t the dream reunion, and she couldn’t and didn’t want to fix him, or be accountable for what she’d done to him, so what? And I don’t even know her side of the story, but I know if he did something to her, for which she was getting revenge when she took off on him when he was sick, to actually marry someone she’d cheated on him with, after taking him for all she could, I know that he cannot be accountable for his part. He never can.  And who cares what happened if anything with the reunion?   Because in the mean time, he killed us.  He broke me and he broke us in such a way that I know I am better off without him, and the pieces of our relationship cannot be put back together.  There is nothing there.  He pulverized it, with his cruelty.  I’ve said right along he’d have been happy to have kept us both.  Maybe that’s all his message was. An attempt to keep me on the side while he spends his weekends with her.

Do I still love him?  Yes, I will always love him.  That’s unconditional love.  Do I forgive him?  I was getting there, but now, with his “I really miss you” message, I have to start that journey all over again.  But I’ll get there.  Because that’s what I do.  Hate and anger and pain will kill you.  It is taking poison and thinking someone else will die.

Not right now, though, not yet.  Not since he had to re-open the gaping wound that hadn’t even stopped bleeding yet.

The gong bath helped.  What happened during it was not what I expected, but it never really is. I was in a deep, and very tired meditation.  There was a good chance I’d fall asleep, but that didn’t happen.  My friend led us into the meditation, with the guided imagery of a white light surrounding us.  That light stayed with me, and soothed me.  It told me, literally, that I was beautiful, that I was love, that I was loved, that I was worthy of love.  I visualized S on a cloud with me, and I said everything I needed to say, without anger.  I gently pushed him off my cloud, and thought, hoped, expected I would watch him drift away, out of sight.  Last night he would not drift away.  He just floated around me.  Hard as I tried to energetically push him out of sight, I could not.

Not quite far enough in my healing.  The white light comforted me though.

On the way home, I said out loud, “S, I need you to leave me alone.  I need this to heal.  Please please leave me alone.”  Because his energy around me was palpable.  And I swear, I swear, I heard his voice say, “I can’t leave you Deb.  I can’t”

Could have been my imagination.

When I went to bed last night, I decided to sent him a text saying “You have a tremendous amount of nerve to leave me that voice mail 5 days after you decimated me and our relationship.  I’d appreciate it if you would not attempt any further contact with me. You’ve got your bimbo. You don’t need me.  And I don’t want you,you made sure of that.”

I know that it might not have been the right thing to do. I know that no contact is probably a healthier choice, to just let it all go.  But I just want there to be no mistake in his head.  I want to make sure he understands that I don’t want to hear from him, that there is  n.o.  w.a.y.  b.a.c.k. from what he did.  And I don’t want to have to start this process over every fucking day.

This morning, there is pain again.  I knew it would come, I also know when I have sat with it, and honored it, it will go.  I hope it goes soon.

At least he was silent last night.  For that I am grateful.

As Liz Gilbert always says, “Onward.”

Forgiveness

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is a lesson I from my marriage.  It is the only way to release the pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, the bitter taste of cruelty and mistreatment, and begin to rebuild your life.

I want to do this with S.  He chose what he chose, for his own reasons, never to be really understood by me.  I don’t believe he wanted to hurt me.  I believe he didn’t know how NOT to hurt me.  It can’t be undone, and it’s time for me to accept it, and stop trying rationalize that which is to me, irrational.  Another lesson from my marriage, you cannot explain an irrational act.  It’s time I remember that.

My focus now, will be to forgive, to find the unconditional love that I have always had for him and leave it somewhere deep in my heart.  It is never a bad thing to love, it is never stupid, and I think it had a purpose in his life.  I hope it did.  Even if he doesn’t see it now, maybe he will someday.  I’d hate for this all to have been for naught.  I hope that in his dark days, of which he has a lot this time of year, as the days grow shorter and darker, he will be able to know that someone loved him without limit, beyond reason, and it will give him strength.

This morning, I begin cutting the energetic cords between us, by beginning the process of forgiveness.