And to spend one frigging hour not thinking about him.
In a good way or a bad way.
Happy memories or crushing ones.
Just one hour without his shadow over me.
Just one.
Tag Archives: pain
Friday Morning Musings
Yesterday was a kind of rough day. I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often. I found myself missing who he was months ago. It’s painful, it can become so intense. I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me. And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return. Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend. We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.
So these things help me crawl out of the slump. If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier. Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I. The flirting, the innuendo. And then his inability to truly let me go after. But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go. Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again. No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.
So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him. In full recognition of who he is this morning. I’m excited about the future for myself.
I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night. He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know. That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream. I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water. Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches. Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there. I would like that.
When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends. We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat. But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone. I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved. I reclaimed it, for myself. Ii will do that with the other places S took me. He once asked me not to take another man to these places. It is an unfair request. I’m not going to lose these beautiful places. I am going to make new memories.
A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me. He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?” LOL. Nope. I’ll be more careful. I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story. I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease. I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.
Onward.
Love Never Hurts
I started having a text convo with A last night, we were joking about how it rained in Santa Fe all day yesterday. Santa Fe is out west in the desert, so it was a completely unique experience there to have a day of rain. I asked him how it was going with his new girl, he said well. I told him I was dating. We began to talk about our relationship, and how we love each other but are happy for each other. Suddenly he was calling me.
He missed me, I missed him. But we love each other enough to want each other to be happy. I told him I wished I’d made different choices when he was here, but then, I would have been heart-broken when he left. He said, me too, but I’ll take a heartbreak for a real love affair…..
I was protecting myself, I guess, is what I thought. (And now I realize that I was headed for the biggest fall, the most pain and hurt I could imagine.) I wasn’t done with S, but am so done now, and I have missed A the last few days, when I was tired, and not feeling well, I told him too, and he tells me. I would have loved, when I was exhausted my first night back to have curled up next to him and gone to sleep, knowing I was safe in the arms of a man who loved me. He also has those moments.
But he said, he’s pledged his fidelity to his new girl, and I’m just happy for him, because I know she is a great woman if he did that. He said he has not told her he loves her….We both said that to each other last night. He wants me to find someone who adores me, as I do him.
It’s a true, intimate, sweet, deep friendship. His woman knows about me. Obviously does not know the intensity of the conversations we have, but they are rare. We have a special connection, maybe because when I first met him, and before we were seriously going out, his wife, who died 18 months ago, came to me in a dream. I had never seen her, didn’t know at the time it was her, until I saw her picture about a week later on his FB page, and realized it was her in the dream. He had told me he didn’t believe in God anymore, he was so devastated by her loss. So I told him, about the dream, and told him, I think she came to me, because she knew I would tell you, and you would know she’s still around, that you didn’t lose her…
At the time he just hugged me, and in the days following, told me I gave him his spirit back.
The night before he left, when he told me he loved me, we were laying in his bed, just cuddling. He wanted me to spend the night, and I didn’t, because of S. S and I were in one of our momentary breakups but I still loved him, so I didn’t feel right to spend the night with A. I wish I had stayed, and had that memory. But it was a sweet, warm, loving memory anyway.
He has repaid me, 100 times, being there for me when I was crying over S, he reminded me that I have value, and deserve to be loved. And that he was willing to love me.
We will always be close friends. His new woman is a lucky one, but I’m sure she knows it. 🙂
What was with S, in the end, was just pain. And love never hurts. And what was with A, still is, and it never hurts.
Every Second Takes Me Farther Away
Here’s the problem. I went to bed last night and thought, without thinking, this is S’s side. I get a pizza, and think of ordering it the way S liked. I get dressed, and he liked me in this. None of them are conscious thoughts, they are just there. Permeating every thought. My text alert goes off, and I think it’s him. I put him on “do not disturb” do I still get them, but there is no alert so they don’t make my heart stop. I will just see that he’s texted when I open my phone. It’s a small step, but it helped a little yesterday. There probably won’t be anymore texts anyway. I think he’s done, he’s not going to try to pull me back. He knows my mind is made up. I know he thinks I shouldn’t care about her being in his life….but he knows I do. I’m not sure he understands how he irretrievably broke my trust, because that would mean he had to look at what he did to figure out why.
Whatever.
This morning is easier. Every second takes me farther from him. Every second that passes dims the memories, the hopes, the desire. And anyway, when it gets bad for me, I can visibly see him Monday night, watching me suffer and not giving a damn. Just drama to him. Feelings aren’t real to him, he doesn’t have any, even though he declares he does. He kept saying that, “I have feelings too”. I said “but no one knows what they are. You never talk about them.” So…whatever they are, that might have soothed my soul to know he could feel something about the end of our relationship, will forever remain his secret.
It’s his way. It’s why we can’t be together. I just wish he hadn’t drawn me back in so many times. I wish he’d just let me go the 4 or 5 times I tried over the summer. Even when HE was the one who said he needed to go off and find out who he was, when I said, then go, S, find out. You can check in with me whenever you want., he would be drawing me back a couple days later. For a guy who wanted to be alone, he made a pretty concerted effort to keep me in his life. I drew the line at having a purely physical relationship, so I didn’t see him much. But I was there, every day, all day, texting, sharing…every day.
I guess that’s what i will miss if I ever get past the hurt, is his funny quirky sense of humor. He says it was different when we could sit on the deck and talk. Of course it was. There wasn’t a third person in the relationship. Of course it was. I wasn’t expected to share him.
He calls it a green-eyed monster. As if there is one woman in the world who would be ok with being dumped hours before she expected to see her man, dumped for another woman?? Is there anyone out there that would think it’s ok for him to see her Saturday and me Sunday? Seriously?
Ii just wish the ache in my heart would go away. Time, distance….right now it feels like I need to travel to Mars to get away.
Set Back
I set myself back today, way back. I was so good this morning. And I cried all the way home, and haven’t stopped. He started off with an angry text because of my last blog, Questions Without Answers. I apologize to all of you, who were cheering me on.
First off, he’s with her. Why is he even reading my blogs, and 2nd, why does he care what I write? What does it matter, she’s his life now, what I say is just peripheral, and should have no effect on him. I have to write. It’s my only outlet. My friends are sick of listening to me cry. Complain. Bitch. And cry some more. I can’t even tell A, he has been so good to me, he loves me, but even he will want to excuse himself if I start up with him again. This is all I have, and he hovers over it as if he cared, but he doesn’t.
He says he apologized. I said, yes you apologized for choosing her, and breaking my heart. You didn’t ever apologize for telling via text, like a 14 yr old adolescent boy, hit and run. “I’m with someone else and I’m busy and I don’t want to talk about it.” Never. No apology. You should have been here, face to face, and dealt with the devastation you caused like a man. Not left me in the street bleeding. Not treated me like yesterday’s trash.
But this is all repetitive.
We texted for about 3 hours. I told him that calling him a 14 yr old adolescent was only stating the obvious. That everyone’s first words, were “Really??? Like a teenager?? How old is this guy?” No one needed me to tell them how immature and cruel and thoughtless that was.
But it’s water over the dam now. He wants her, I don’t want him. Well, I do. I will for a long time. But he wants her, even if he didn’t want her, I could never ever expose my heart to this much pain again.
He told me I wasn’t devastated, just jealous. Wow…..I said, Yeah I’m jealous. A woman who is a whore, a bitch and a bimbo is sleeping with the man I love. You BET I am jealous.
After I’d said that about 5 times, he asked why I keep trashing her. I said, I call a spade a spade. I had to learn to read people when I was married and divorcing a manipulative asshole. She #1) makes sure she gets paid for her time with you. A new kitchen, a new car, maybe help with her credit card debt. Who knows this time, probably help with her divorce. Just like the prison whore, just the stakes are higher. No different than the $50 you paid the prison whore, just cost you way more. She #2) left you when you were diagnosed with untreatable liver cancer. (A miracle experimental drug saved his life). If that’s not being a total bitch, and devoid of any human feeling, I don’t know what is. She thought you were dying, and she left you. She #3) left you then, as soon as you were done with the kitchen, I think you said the day later on your birthday…to marry some man she’d been cheating on you with. That’s a bimbo. The definition of all 3, in Websters, should have her picture. I asked him what he did to piss her off. Because he says he hates my temper. I said, oh, yeah, well I do have a temper, and I lose it and then I get over it, and I don’t hold a grudge once something is settled it’s settled. I don’t store it up, so that I can fuck someone up 6 months later when they are at their most vulnerable moment. Personally, I think THAT’S a bad temper. And a devious one, and a manipulative one. Mine, is flat out anger, at injustice usually. It is fiery for a few minutes. Seems to me, that would be easier to deal with than having someone leave you when you’re sick, after they’ve gotten 10’s of $1000’s from you, to be with someone they cheated on you with. But that’s just me. I’d take the honesty any day.
And then I said, so she comes back to you. And she’s so sweet and cunning, isn’t she….you just can’t resist….You don’t even know where she’s been all week? Do you care? It is sickening, that that’s the kind of woman he wants. Just sickening. Fucked up. Royally.
I think that’s when he told me to leave him alone. But I didn’t….because I was on a roll. And he didn’t either. But we did say some t things that weren’t ugly, that we both needed to say. And I ended up in the bathroom at work, sitting in there, crying. Wondering how I was gonna finish the day. Not devastated? No, decimated. Crushed. Used Up. Wrecked. Shattered. Broken. Bruised. Beat up. DEVASTATED.
Someone else is in his bed and his heart, no, I’m not devastated. He is denying it, but he knows it’s true. He knows I loved him more than I can say. He knows I gave him everything I could give him, and asked for nothing. Those things he knows.
I will never ever be the same. I will be ok, I will recover, but I will never ever be the same. I will look twice before I trust again. Maybe 3, 4, 10 times. 100 times. I will hold onto my heart, and probably fuck it up with a good man because I’m so fucking scared to give my heart away again. I’ll never go to a beach around here without wishing he were with me. Good thing I’m moving. New beaches, new places, where he won’t be ghosting my psyche all the time. Even the town he lives in, I won’t want to go to anymore. And it’s a beautiful little town. Lots of tourists because it’s so beautiful.
He wanted me to go to the beach with him yesterday, why didn’t I go? “Do you think I want to see you when you are sleeping with someone else? Do you think I want to look in those eyes and see someone else’s reflection? Are you THAT cold, that you think that would be ok with me?”
He blasted me for being online, on a dating site. Why does he care? What does he expect. Yes, I said. Of course I am. Of course I’m looking for a man that will soothe my aching heart, and make me forget about you.
So, I have been messaging with a nice man, looks nice in his pics, loves the ocean like me. Seems we have something in common. My heart isn’t in it, but I’m going to meet him for coffee after work one day, because I have to force myself to get out there, and stop sitting home making myself sick. I got a nice message from a different man today, but too busy to check him out. I might respond, just to put the energy out there, just to get used to trying to deal with the fact that this is where I’m at. That the man I love wants someone else, and ruined me. The fact that she’s the kind of woman she is, only rubs salt in the wound. I have to start from square 1 again.
So, I guess I need to stop talking to him, again, because this is all that’s going to happen. I’m gonna miss him more, and hurt more, and still know we can never be together. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide out. He’s gonna get an ego boost out of my pain. He’s going to keep me engaged. I need to let go.
It’s only been a week and 2 days. I guess I shouldn’t be beating myself up so much for still wanting him so much.
Stuck
The last 12 hours have been the hardest yet. I guess it’s just waves that wash over you. I am always blindsided by the sorrow, the pain, when it comes back. I think I am ok, better, healing, and suddenly all I want is to hear his voice, to have his arms wrapped around me. Like an idiot, it is stupid, my head knows this. I wish my heart would tag along. It is all I can do not to call him, not to have direct contact.
I know that sending that text was wrong. I know in the end, it does not facilitate healing but keeps the energetic cords between us. I know all this. I believe it, I am a Reiki Master, for God’s sake, but I cannot shake this. I can perform self-Reiki, I have done this, almost every day, it is only effective enough to get me to sleep. Or make me stop crying. But the physical ache for him won’t go away. To send that text, when he is determined to be with her, is just self defeating. Stupid, to be trying to get answers. If I get them, will I feel safer? Will I feel less pain and anger? No. There is nothing to be said for the cruel way he left me for her, for the heartache he didn’t care about, for behaving like a teen-age boy, sending me a text. A cowardly, juvenile text. It is still unfathomable to me, that he could do that.
So, I know I have to get through this, without contact. I will never heal if I have contact.
My girlfriend and I power-washed my deck this morning. It’s a beautiful fall day, and we talked and drank coffee. She asked how I was, I said, you know, it comes and goes. She said, You’re mourning. I said, yes it’s almost like someone died. Today is hard. Weekends are hard…and told her why. It’s only been a week. She hugged me. I guess I’m doing ok for only a week. I’d so rather be angry at him. It’s so much easier than just loving someone who doesn’t want you. Geezus. so much easier to walk through.
I’m grateful my son is home today. We planned a good dinner tonight. I’m going to make brownies too. I am beat from doing the deck. I need to vacuum my bedroom, to change out my closets for the winter. I need to stay busy, so I can get through this day. I need to be so tired I pass out tonight. Maybe some wine would help, usually a drink and an Ambien at least gives me enough rest to get through the next day.
I keep writing about it, hoping I will release the pain through my words. Maybe it makes it worse, I don’t know. At times I feel like I am OCD with writing. But usually, it seems to give me the only relief I can find, so I’ll keep doing it. I’ve always had to put my emotions out on the table, so that even I can see them. And whatever happens happens. I made myself vulnerable the first time I told him I loved him. Sometimes it works, sometimes you get knocked down. But at least I know I gave all I could to the possibility of him. I know I held nothing back. I have no regrets about my actions. I have learned a few lessons. Lessons I think I could have done without, but who knows what my soul’s journey is. I must have wanted to learn what this feels like or it wouldn’t have happened.
Next lifetime I think I’d like to know what a healthy loving relationship is. Please…..
12 Hours of Being Wretchedly Pathetic
God, I am so pathetic. Why in the world do I even care what he does or thinks. My head doesn’t, my head knows I am better off out of that crazy, immature, unbalanced relationship. I wish the message would get to my heart, I wish the wounds would close and stay that way.
Weekends are hard, really hard. I know he’s spending the weekend with her, and I know with me he could barely find an afternoon or evening for me. I am jealous. Mostly because he’s with this woman who according to him just devastated him, yet he chooses her. And chose to just be cruel to me, like I was a task he needed to get over with so he just got rid of me as quickly and carelessly as possible.
Just another piece of housework for him, like taking the trash out. The nausea is back.
For all I know, none of what he told me about her was true, or it was only part of the story. I tended to believe him and all his tall sad tales, but too many of my friends have asked, “Why do you believe him? You shouldn’t believe anything he says, or said. It was all manipulation.” Maybe. Maybe all the “secrets” he told me, that no one else knew, not his wives or Betty Boop, were just stories fabricated by him, to see if I’d believe him, or still want him. A test to see how I reacted, so he could see how far he could go with me and still have me loving him. That’s what it was with my ex, he is not unlike my ex.
I tend to think now, that what she did to him was revenge for what he did to her, that he declined to own up to his part in it when he told me the story. But it kind of leaked out, over time. I remember one morning when we were out to breakfast, maybe a year ago, when he was wondering how she could tell him that if he cheated on her they were done. He believed “those things just happen, they aren’t planned.” I remember looking at him, over my breakfast that morning, kind of incerdulously, saying, “It doesn’t just happen! You don’t just happen to take your clothes off and have sex with someone. You choose it, you can stop at any time, and say no.” He said, “Well, shouldn’t unconditional love allow you to forgive it, I mean isn’t that what it’s for?” I said, “unconditional love is never wishing ill, always wishing the best for everyone. It doesn’t mean you want or keep people in your life that behave in ways that are hurtful to you.”
As I learned with the prison whore, he is an opportunist, and if he has the chance to fuck someone, he’ll do it if he’s in the mood. And deal with the consequences after. (With the prison whore, he found out he couldn’t perform, which added a whole new dimension to his confusion over it and me.)
Then not that long ago, a few months maybe, he said that he was pretty sure she “regretted” doing what she did. I asked why. He said, “well why did you go with A? Because you wanted to get back at me for the prison whore.” I said, “No, I went with A because I was devastated by what you did, and he was loving, and kind, and sweet and made me feel like I had some value to him.” To which he had no answer. (He always shook off the devastation, as if it was not real, that it was just drama. He couldn’t accept that his actions could do that to someone.) She may have cheated on him, and run off and got married as revenge for him cheating on her, but I did not…. I cannot relate even to doing that. I mean, yeah looking for someone who cares for you when you’ve been treated as if you don’t matter, but marrying them? Drawing someone else into a triangle that is only going to hurt most everyone involved? That’s deviant. That’s sick. That’s unconscionable.
Which is why they are perfect for each other. They can pretend to love one another, but they have treated each other miserably on and off for all the many years of their relationship. Hurting each other, breaking up for months, getting back together to feel the rush of emotion all over again. Addicted to the adrenalin. He has a very addictive personality, and has, at times in his life, been addicted to many different substances. I would guess maybe she is the same, and their common tendency to be addictive is the strongest bond they share.
Who the fuck knows?
I’m so pathetic, I sent him a text when I went to bed last night, I don’t know if I was hoping to put a tick in his weekend by sending it, but I was just hurting so much. I said,
“You prick. I still can’t believe you did this to me. Why did I ever deserve to be treated so badly? What did I do to you that deserved this? Is real love such a painful experience for you that you have to kill the giver?”
He has no way to respond, except to leave a voice mail that I have told him I will delete without listening to. I would try to keep my word on that, because I know he is incapable of saying anything of comfort to me. He is incapable of seeing or caring how much he hurt me, he will only defend himself, he will only be feeding his ego, and I know that’s all I did when I sent the text. He delights in knowing how much I loved him, and the power over my emotions it gives him. So if he were to respond, I know he would only fuck with my head anyway.
A friend is coming over this morning to help me powerwash my deck. I need to get it done, so I can paint it before winter. Hopefully I can paint/stain it when I get back from my nieces wedding next weekend.
I need to just be grateful for all the loving, caring, normal people in my life. Men who love their wives, families that love each other, and are strong, that include me without question, or judgment. Who are there to help me, to cry with me, to lift me off the floor when I’ve been knocked down. People who are only addicted to the pleasure they bring to the people they love, and the pleasure they get in return.
Ok, enough self pity. Done with him again for awhile. Writing is cathartic.
N.O. W.A.Y. B.A.C.K.
Here is what set me back so far yesterday.
Wednesday night I put up the blog about how far I’d come in 5 days, so far that the realization that I will never see him again did not hurt. I was glad to get to a place where that didn’t hurt me.
I forgot, momentarily, that he reads my blog. I hate that he reads them, it makes me measure my words. It is like a censor, I don’t feel like I can write down my real feelings all the time. Especially now. I am already too vulnerable to him. He already had proven he doesn’t deserve to hear my story. I was hoping that since he now had Betty Boop and had thrown me out of his life like yesterday’s trash that he would stop reading them. (I’ve chosen to just write down what I feel this morning, and let happen whatever will happen from putting it all out on the table.)
But he read it. He sent me an email, since texting is cut off to him, saying something like ” You might get carpal tunnel from patting yourself on the back.” I deleted it, with no response. I would have liked it if he were happy I had come so far in healing from his unfathomable betrayal. But no, he was a smart ass. He didn’t like that I was healing. He prefers me hurting.
I went to bed around my normal time, 10, and read, and then tried to get to sleep. I was almost asleep when a friend texted me. When I opened the phone, it opened to voice mail, I don’t know why, I must have accidentally left it on VM. I saw a blocked voice mail, which could only have been S. I listened (big mistake) to him say, “I don’t know what to say. I really miss you.”
This is 5 days after he completely and totally devastated me, decimated our relationship. Chose Betty Boop. 5 days after he texted me at 4 am, and followed up with a text telling me he was spending the weekend with her. 5 days later, he misses me.
All I could think is HOW DARE HE? HOW DARE HE?
Naturally, I didn’t sleep much. maybe 3, 3 1/2 hrs.
It infuriated me. He was simply playing with my emotions. A manipulation to make me think about him. He didn’t like that I could think about never seeing him again and not hurt over it, so he stuck a knife in the wound again, so that I would hurt again.
Cruel. Heartless. Selfish beyond belief.
He didn’t say, “I made a mistake. I’m so sorry I hurt you like that. I’m not with her.” He just said he misses me.
Duh. Of course he misses me. I was the one, the only one, in his entire life to unconditionally love him. Adore him. Accept him. Ask nothing of him. I knew he would miss me. He knew he would miss me. Who cares? He did what he did, he can’t undo it. I told him there is no way back from this, when he did it. There is not. There is no way back to where we were. He created an abyss, and whether or not he is happy with his decision, he made it. We both have to live with it.
So yesterday my anger was renewed. My healing had to start all over again. The gaping bleeding wound in my heart, that actually physically hurts, had to begin all over again. What kind of monster does this to someone? Does he think so little of himself, that he doesn’t believe he can have any effect on people? No. He knows, if he knows anything, that I loved him more than ever at the moment he broke me. He knows what he’s doing.
My posts yesterday were meant to tell him to leave me alone. I knew that the pain was going to follow the anger, it always does. I hoped it would be during the gong bath, but it was really this morning. Apparently I wasn’t ready last night, to accept and deal with the pain.This morning, I remembered how much I wanted to be with him, Friday night. How I sent him a text, telling him I would drive down to his house Friday night, I missed him, wanted to be with him so much. Maybe he was talking to her then. I don’t know. I don’t want to know.
I have wondered, since he texted me when she left Sunday, and now with the voice mail, if maybe the reunion didn’t go quite the way he dreamed it would. That maybe once you have had someone really love you, whatever she offered wasn’t enough. I will never know, I don’t want to know.
I know, that I can never ever expose my heart to him again. There is no trust, there is only hurt when I think of him. There is only the knowledge that he can throw me away at a moments notice, first he prison whore, then the bimbo. There is only the knowledge that he chose the woman who devastated him, over me, the woman who loved him without limit. And that he was able to make that choice with as much cruelty as possible. That he could crush me, without a tender word, without acknowledgment of anything decent. Just telling me what he wanted.
So, does it hurt me to think I will never see him again? No. It is actually a relief. A relief to know that he won’t have the opportunity to ever again crush my heart. His voice set me back to the beginning, made me re-ask all the questions I had realized were not answerable, and that I didn’t even want answers to. I had to go back and now work myself back to the place where I know that nothing he can say can fix what he did.
If he decided he made a mistake choosing her, so what? So if it wasn’t the dream reunion, and she couldn’t and didn’t want to fix him, or be accountable for what she’d done to him, so what? And I don’t even know her side of the story, but I know if he did something to her, for which she was getting revenge when she took off on him when he was sick, to actually marry someone she’d cheated on him with, after taking him for all she could, I know that he cannot be accountable for his part. He never can. And who cares what happened if anything with the reunion? Because in the mean time, he killed us. He broke me and he broke us in such a way that I know I am better off without him, and the pieces of our relationship cannot be put back together. There is nothing there. He pulverized it, with his cruelty. I’ve said right along he’d have been happy to have kept us both. Maybe that’s all his message was. An attempt to keep me on the side while he spends his weekends with her.
Do I still love him? Yes, I will always love him. That’s unconditional love. Do I forgive him? I was getting there, but now, with his “I really miss you” message, I have to start that journey all over again. But I’ll get there. Because that’s what I do. Hate and anger and pain will kill you. It is taking poison and thinking someone else will die.
Not right now, though, not yet. Not since he had to re-open the gaping wound that hadn’t even stopped bleeding yet.
The gong bath helped. What happened during it was not what I expected, but it never really is. I was in a deep, and very tired meditation. There was a good chance I’d fall asleep, but that didn’t happen. My friend led us into the meditation, with the guided imagery of a white light surrounding us. That light stayed with me, and soothed me. It told me, literally, that I was beautiful, that I was love, that I was loved, that I was worthy of love. I visualized S on a cloud with me, and I said everything I needed to say, without anger. I gently pushed him off my cloud, and thought, hoped, expected I would watch him drift away, out of sight. Last night he would not drift away. He just floated around me. Hard as I tried to energetically push him out of sight, I could not.
Not quite far enough in my healing. The white light comforted me though.
On the way home, I said out loud, “S, I need you to leave me alone. I need this to heal. Please please leave me alone.” Because his energy around me was palpable. And I swear, I swear, I heard his voice say, “I can’t leave you Deb. I can’t”
Could have been my imagination.
When I went to bed last night, I decided to sent him a text saying “You have a tremendous amount of nerve to leave me that voice mail 5 days after you decimated me and our relationship. I’d appreciate it if you would not attempt any further contact with me. You’ve got your bimbo. You don’t need me. And I don’t want you,you made sure of that.”
I know that it might not have been the right thing to do. I know that no contact is probably a healthier choice, to just let it all go. But I just want there to be no mistake in his head. I want to make sure he understands that I don’t want to hear from him, that there is n.o. w.a.y. b.a.c.k. from what he did. And I don’t want to have to start this process over every fucking day.
This morning, there is pain again. I knew it would come, I also know when I have sat with it, and honored it, it will go. I hope it goes soon.
At least he was silent last night. For that I am grateful.
As Liz Gilbert always says, “Onward.”
Forgiveness
This is a lesson I from my marriage. It is the only way to release the pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, the bitter taste of cruelty and mistreatment, and begin to rebuild your life.
I want to do this with S. He chose what he chose, for his own reasons, never to be really understood by me. I don’t believe he wanted to hurt me. I believe he didn’t know how NOT to hurt me. It can’t be undone, and it’s time for me to accept it, and stop trying rationalize that which is to me, irrational. Another lesson from my marriage, you cannot explain an irrational act. It’s time I remember that.
My focus now, will be to forgive, to find the unconditional love that I have always had for him and leave it somewhere deep in my heart. It is never a bad thing to love, it is never stupid, and I think it had a purpose in his life. I hope it did. Even if he doesn’t see it now, maybe he will someday. I’d hate for this all to have been for naught. I hope that in his dark days, of which he has a lot this time of year, as the days grow shorter and darker, he will be able to know that someone loved him without limit, beyond reason, and it will give him strength.
This morning, I begin cutting the energetic cords between us, by beginning the process of forgiveness.
BLOCKED. FINALLY.
I blocked him. Finally. No contact is definitely the path I need to follow. I realized on the way to work today that nothing he could say would make me feel any better about the way he broke me, willfully, with premeditation. Like a monster. And that anything he had to say would most likely make it worse.
So I told him that in a text and told him he is blocked . He knows he can leave a voice mail. And I haven’t blocked email, yet.
But as I have said since the beginning of this nightmare Saturday, there is no way back from this. I would NEVER expose myself to this kind of damage again. EVER.
It is a huge relief, to have finally come out of the fog of so much pain. I’m not over it yet, the treachery is just so broad. But I made a huge step this morning in letting go, so that I can fully heal.
Sigh….finally I can get on with the business of healing all my broken pieces.
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