Category Archives: happiness

Shine On

Posted on by learning to live like water

It seems I have a slight obsession at the moment with SHINING.

It’s definitely a shining sunglasses day here. White white white everywhere, and bright bright sun. I have to admit that it’s beautiful! Which is some consolation for the fact that I have to figure out what’s wrong with the snow blower, since next week looks like a real winter week, snow, cold…UGH.

Shiny Florida is so calling my name. A couple of my high school friends who live down there, are in touch and maybe we will be able to get together while I’m there! And soon enough, I will get out from under this house and mortgage and get out of here permanently. Except for summers when I will come up here and visit my friends here. 🙂

Feeling a bit shiny today. I slept really well last night. I woke up only once, and then went back to sleep and slept for about 5 hours without waking. Without a sleep aid! God, it’s lovely to know I can actually sleep through the night. Maybe the 2 glasses of wine helped? Hmmm. Often though, I wake up more if I’ve had a drink, so who knows. I think it had something to do with un-fucking myself, lol.

Also, maybe because when I woke, the WP app on my phone had a ton of notices, and quite a few comments for me, funny, or at least, in alignment with un-fucking. And some of the blogs I follow put up some kind of capricious, funny, irreverent, out of the box stuff. Which put a little extra gleam in my shine.

I’m thinking, Mercury is definitely not in retrograde! Communication here, at least, is fast and quick, inspiring, positive. Energy in motion, lifting me. Finding my shine again.

I want to go to Florida with my shine on. Hell, I want to go to work, to bed, to the grocery store, with it on. Yeah, we all shine on.

Florida Dreams

Posted on by learning to live like water

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Sunrise from the town dock

I got my dates to go visit my sis in Florida.  I’m going the week of March 7 and for about a week, which is the longest I’ve ever gone!  I’m very excited about it.  I have a couple of neighborhoods I want to scope out while I’m there.  But balmy breezes, sunrises on the town dock, (the picture above is one I took of one of the more stunning sunrises there), walking the beach of the Gulf of Mexico every morning.  Even the call of the peacocks is beautiful to me.

It will be so cool to live close to my sister.  I have never in my adult life lived close to any of my family.  None of us have, my sisters and I have always been spread out across the country.

The idea of moving is overwhelming though.  To get the house ready to sell, to put it on the market, to figure out how to get all my stuff down there, and my cat, and then I’ll have to store it until I find the house I want.  The logistics of giving notice at work, to coincide with closing on my house when it sells, and moving into a temporary place while I look for somewhere permanent.  I will be unsettled for awhile.

But with the beach close, I should be able to stay grounded, lol.

I will also miss my friends so much.  That’s the hardest thing to leave, is the wonderful people I have here.  I’ve lived in the same small town since 1978. My son has spent all 23 of his years here.  I think all of my friends are parents of kids he hung out with, played baseball or hockey with.  The blessing is though, I know they will all come to see me, and I know I can come up here and stay with them.  I’ll like that.

I was driving home one night thinking, “It will be a long time down there, before you can drive around knowing exactly where you are without even thinking about it.”  But that’s ok, I know I’ll have the path to the beach memorized soon enough when I get settled!

What I’m looking forward to the most is not working.  Getting up and writing until I’m done, making jewelry, maybe learning something new. I hope I can find a house with a space for me to be creative, because even though I am very right-brained as it is, I intend for that part of my brain to run free when I don’t have to work!!  You never know what might come out of it.

I hope I can find a spiritual community.  I know the gong baths will be probably non-existent, but if I can find a meditation group, maybe even one that has sound healing, that will ease the moving stress.

Time for me to go check flights!  Have a good day, everyone.  Love and light.IMG_0787

Staying Happy

Posted on by learning to live like water

The last two Mondays have been my two best days on WP ever!  Tied for the most views!  I don’t know why, but THANK YOU, dear readers.  I’m delighted to have people read what I write.

I’m still feeling pretty happy.  Like, pretty content with my life, on my own.  I still think about him, but not in a painful way. Just a he was a man I was with for awhile.  Not holding on to any of it now.  Just something that was, and isn’t now.  It ended badly.  Most affairs that end, end badly, I think.

I’m tired tonight, it was a long day at work, I don’t  have much to talk about, so I’ll leave with this thought.

And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.  Letting go…..

Love and light.

 

It’s Supposed To Be This Way, Isn’t It?

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I always thought the winter solstice was today, the 21st.  But it’s actually tomorrow morning at 4 in the morning, GMT.  But tonight is the longest night of the year.  Tomorrow, the shortest day.

And then, the days get longer.  Sigh.  Dreams of summer begin to float in my mind.

Long days, days at the beach with good friends.  The Beach Whores, we call ourselves. Any Beach Any Time.

I may be moving this summer.  I hope.  Last summer was my last full summer here, and I can thank Scott for making sure it was an unhappy time in my life, playing his narcissistic game.  Except when I was with my friends, which gratefully I was.

However long I am here this summer, even if it’s all summer, I will enjoy the whole thing.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even find someone to sit out on the deck with me and stargaze.

But now, it’s winter, the world sleeps, Christmas is upon us.  Then the New Year.  The short days and long nights give us pause for retrospection and introspection.  What lessons did I learn from the last year? What direction do I now want my life to take?

I’m still kind of on a happiness hangover from having such a good day yesterday.  The gongs brought up some stuff, and I dealt with it Saturday, really just sat with it, and it came up, and it went.  The place where it was, that old sadness and pain, was filled with joy on Sunday.

I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?  The old stuff comes up, and if you don’t try to re-bury it, but honor your feelings, they just dissipate, and we can allow joy to come in.  Because, I think it’s there, just waiting.

Happy solstice everyone.

 

 

Amazing Wonderful Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

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What a wonderful day.

First of all I managed to sleep until 6 AM, which is a major feat for me.  I sat with my computer for a couple hours, and read and blogged, and thought, and meditated.  Two and a half hours passed without me even noticing, caught up in my own world, in my own passions, in my own thoughts.

Then my son came up from his man-cave in the basement, his (maybe) girlfriend had spent the night. (He’s been seeing her on and off for a long time, and I love this girl.) So I had breakfast with them and that was very nice…since he cooked!

Then I showered and went to my bff’s and we made Christmas cookies, 5 different kinds in 4 1/2 hrs….about 35 or 40 dozen.  It was like a cookie factory, but it was so much fun, we laughed so much, we are like a well oiled machine when we start this.  We’ve been doing it for years.  Her daughter and her daughter’s best friend, college girls now, helped.  That was just added joy and fun.  And I got the belly laughs I have been missing, along with the love of an old, long friendship.

While I was there, another friend texted me and asked me to go out for a drink later, in the late afternoon. Another old, long friendship.  Just a drink,to talk, to catch up.  She also just ended a relationship in which she was so immersed, so crazy about the man.   It was just like mine with Scott’s, anyone and everyone knew it was bad for her….and she finally was able let it go.  She still misses him from time to time, but she knows better now.

So when I got done with the cookies, I came home, got dinner started for my son, and went and sat at the bar at a local watering hole with her, and we laughed, and talked with other people at the bar, and had a GOOD time! What a wonderful way to wrap up the weekend, and begin the week!

Am I, dare I ask, dare I say it, HAPPY????  Maybe???

I came home, I put together dinner, with what I had started for my son (and he ate while I was gone for a couple hours) and put on the Sunday night show on OWN that I love, called Super Soul Sessions.  Last week she had on Brene Brown and Tim Story.  The first hour was a repeat, but honestly, I’ve seen the Brene talk (on the Anatomy of Trust) already a half dozen times and will watch it probably a half dozen more.  The second hour started with Elizabeth Gilbert.  The “Eat Pray Love” author who I idolize (along with Brene Brown, lol).   Liz Gilbert was so profound, she got a standing ovation.  Her subject was on finding and following your curiosity, to find your passion….she is amazing.  She is followed by Michael Beckwith, about participating in your own coming out, your own growth.

God, I am happy.  I have no attachments at the moment, to things that bring me down.  I can see them, and feel compassion, I do not feel the need to get wrapped up in them.  I feel the need, conversely, to be myself, to follow my own path, to listen to the inner voice inside me, to do what feels right to me, in my gut.  To love people….to extend love.

OMG, I AM happy!!!  I AM content. I am in love with my life.  I am happy with where it is going.  I am at peace with the past, and the present, and looking forward to what each day will bring me.

What a wonderful day!  To let go of those things that have dragged you down, and to realize that the possibilities are really, indeed….infinite.  I just heard someone say “Happiness is the joy you feel when you move toward your potential.”

Yeah, I’m happy.  😀

 

 

 

 

A Long, Busy, Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Been a long busy day.  I didn’t stop for 5 minutes all day, except for lunch.  a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  But lunch was lovely.  I went to my spot at the cove on the Connecticut River, pulled up to the water, and read, watched the seagulls, listened to the wind on the water, and even did a 5 minute meditation.

I was in a good mood all day.  It was sunny (it’s been raining for 2 days here), and not cold yet, which is such a blessing.  It’s been exactly 2 weeks since the big drama, and I feel my blood pressure going down daily (not that it’s ever high.  I have pretty low blood pressure, happily.) My psyche is becoming my own again, I’m much more in balance than any time in the last 6 or 8 months.  I’m not obsessing over some man who was never going to offer me what I needed, or wanted.  I see him….I have always seen him.  I forgive him.  And I’m done with him.  Of course, sometimes I miss talking to him, that was just fun, but it always led to heartbreak, so when I remember that, I can let go of missing him pretty quick.  And easily.

Healing completely just takes time.  But I do believe Rumi is right, the wound is where the light enters us.  And I do believe that what results will be more beautiful than it was.

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.

A Good Place

Posted on by learning to live like water

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Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Feeling Content

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

contentment-275x206Putting up Christmas decorations today. All but the tree. I’ll get to that maybe tonight, the lights at least. The rest of it tomorrow.

I didn’t go to the sweat lodge today. The sweat lodge tends to be emotional, a way to release, to reconnect with yourself at the deepest level. It’s good, sometimes. But I have been emotional now for so long. Riding the roller coaster of emotions, I just didn’t want to be emotional today. Or this weekend. I am sick of my emotions, sick of crying, sick of being angry, sick of it all. I just want to move on, and live a normal life, with all that chaos and drama in the past. Where it belongs.

So, in addition to the Christmas decorations I did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, put stuff away as I took stuff out, lol.  I also managed to get my new computer updated so I could install the printer without freezing the computer.  And I had to work at downloading Open Office too.  But I got it all done, seems to be working ok.  Every time I installed the new printer on this computer it would lock it up and I’d have to reset it to the initial settings.  Grrr.

Then I sat down to take a break. I found a movie I’ve wanted to see on On-Demand, for free. It was A Winter’s Tale, with Colin Firth and Russell Crowe. I had a few mixed emotions about it.

Scott had given me the book last spring, one of the last times I was at his house. It was a nice gesture. He said he just thought I might like it, a blend of fantasy, and fiction, love across the ages. A few weeks later he began to push me away, because she was back, unknown to me. I loved the book, it is one of my favorite books now.

One of the many times I tried to break it off with him, he asked me to give him the book back. He’d also given me another, Jitterbug Perfume. I guess at some point, I got angry with his little offers of a “nice afternoon” or to come over after work, and never stay. I told him not to come at all, if he wouldn’t stay. What he wanted I didn’t. I sent both books back to him after buying my own copies off of ebay for less than $5 each, including shipping. The break-up didn’t last, we reconciled after a few days. I probably gave in to him, but he might have come for the night too, that happened a couple times. I was just so crazy about him. Geezus.

Anyway, there was a lot of his energy around the movie. I was pretty sure I could deal with the triggers. As it turned out, there were not really any triggers, but the movie was well acted but terrible if you’ve read the book. I didn’t see how they could make a movie of it that would run less than say, 5 hours. Well they did, because they changed the story, and left out huge important parts of it. So….read the book, don’t watch the movie, lol.

The other book, Jitterbug Perfume, is in my desk at work. I started it before we broke up, I read the first few chapters and liked it too. But I’ve picked it up since and it just made me angry and hurt, and I can’t even look at it. Now that I have the facts, I just get disgusted looking at it, so it will stay in my desk drawer at work, where I will hardly ever see it.

Last night I slept without Ambien for the first time in months. I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel, it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain. Then I kept taking it when Scott dumped me, so I could get 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I’ve been afraid to not take it, afraid I wouldn’t sleep. But last night I did ok. I woke up a couple times but got back to sleep.

I got a couple messages from men on a dating site, (NOT OKCupid where I met S!). I’ve messaged with one of them before, and he said he’s looking forward to talking this week. That would be nice. The other guy wrote a very funny message, he made me laugh. Very outside the box, interesting writing style. He’s not my type physically, but his message made me laugh so hard, I answered it anyway. You never know. I love to laugh.

Talked to A this morning for a long while. He has met a woman in Michigan on-line….I was like, A, it’s so far!!! He wants so badly to be in love, he still loves me so much, I know. He told me so twice this morning. But he’s respectful of my wishes, of the fact that I don’t want a long distance relationship, that our chemistry isn’t like that for me. He says he’s going to go to MI to meet this woman, that’s almost as far as here. I’m afraid for him but it’s his deal. He said he will talk to me about it. I told him to trust his gut, that he doesn’t need my energy in the mix. (He said it already is.) I really want him to be happy. He is such a good loving soul. We have never lied to each other, never led each other on. I know I have broken his heart, a couple times, but I did it honestly, I let him know what was going on, and how I felt; He was never blindsided. I owned it, and I stayed with him while he dealt with it. We have had some very tender moments, moments which were real.

It’s nice to have had a few tender moments that were real with a man.

Last night he said he probably needs to live alone for awhile. Because he never has. He lost his wife to cancer in July of 2014. His son lives with him. He said, he is trying to learn how to “uncouple”. I told him I’ve been uncoupled for a long long while (9 years). I don’t include having been with Scott as having been a couple. I was crazy in love with him, but he never let us be a couple. I look back and have to just let it all go, I don’t think it meant anything to him at all.

My son is having “Friendsgiving” tonight at our house.  That should be interesting.  They will stay in his space, he said they’re all bringing food.  I love that energy.

It’s been a nice day, just getting stuff done, no exhausting emotions around anything. Feeling content, looking forward with a smile.

This Made My Day!!!

Posted on by learning to live like water

One of the coolest things happened to me yesterday!

Liz Gilbert had a post on her FB page called “Sono Grata” which means I am grateful in Italian.  If you know Eat Pray Love, it is a phrase she learned when in the “Eat” phase, in Italy, taught to her by Luca Spaghetti, (if you are not familiar, that is his real name!) with whose family she celebrated Thanksgiving.  He is very prevalent in that chapter of the book.  They are still close friends.

The post was about being grateful, and happy, and is eloquent in her normal wonderful style. So I commented on her original post.  I have done so many times, and sometimes she even comments back!

Anyway, my comment was “So “sono grata” for you Elizabeth!  Happy Thanksgiving!”

And a little while later, I got a notification from FB that my comment was liked!  By Luca Spaghetti!!!!

I was so excited!  My son thought I was crazy, shouting, “OMG, Luca Spaghetti liked my comment!!!!”

So cool, just so cool.  Happy.