Category Archives: Letting Go
Diamonds and Rust
White wine tonight, to cover up the nasty accusations.
So far from my heart.
Why couldn’t it be left the way it was?
And if you’re offering me diamonds and rust, says Joan Baez.
I’ve already paid.
Getting Grounded in Reality
I finally talked to S. Well, that’s stretching it. We texted. And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other. That’s how I hoped it would be. I have no anger, I have no regrets. I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now. I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.
Last night I had a strange dream. I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement. That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess. I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit. I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence.. There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us. I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.” (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.
I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared, but it was just weird….and it woke me up. I don’t know what it had to do with S, or me. I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol. I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth. As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know. She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.
That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days. The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone. And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it. So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.
On to a new day, a new week. I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way. And yours.
Love and light.
Contentment
I’m working on contentment. I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different. Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.
There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon. It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time. If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow. One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t. Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.
Content. Actually, I am feeling pretty content today. I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell. I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing. If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content! But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.
I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me. It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.
I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends. It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.
I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season. That will be nice. The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later. It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air. Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it. For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean. Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters. I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again. We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip. He has since sold the boat, which made me sad. It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.
So, contentment, is where I am today. Accepting what is, happily. Hopefully with grace. I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.
In the Flow
Switched from red wine to rum tonight. Feeling pretty good. I got an answer, the only answer I needed. So, I could let go, knowing there was no eminent danger. He can do his thing, and I can do mine. As it should be.
I believe in unconditional love. It means you don’t get to pick and choose who you love, you don’t get to judge whether or not they are worthy. You just have to love everyone. Or it’s not unconditional.
There are people who never experience that. They live their lives not believing they are worthy of love. They believe that without a bunch of extraneous stuff, they have no value. My ex was one of these people. I am sure that because he believed he had no intrinsic value, he believed that anyone who loved him must be stupid. Or trying to get something from him. And so he vacillated between treating me like I was stupid, or as if I was trying to take him for something. And all I wanted was for him to love me.
I get it now. He couldn’t. Poor guy. He tried, I think he really tried. But that little voice in his head was too loud, too strong. “Don’t love her, she will hurt you.”
I’ve seen unconditional love in action. I’ve seen it save people, once they realized they had value just because they existed. And so… I love S, unconditionally. Not to be mistaken for romantic love. But I love him. I love my ex. I wish all good things for them. I believe completely that they are good men at their center
In the meantime, I have decided not to talk to my ex about our son. But maybe talk to him, just tell him a little of my plans, find out about his. See how he is. To talk to him about our son is not my business. It’s my son’s business and my ex’s. So I’ll stay out of it. That has been my stance all along. Recently I have been worried about my son having family nearby when I move. But he’ll have his family of friends, and me at the end of the phone, which is basically how we communicate now. He will be fine, and if he wants a relationship with his father, he can open that door himself.
Feeling good tonight. Better than I’ve felt all week. The flow went where I didn’t expect it to, but suddenly it’s all quite clear to me, and it’s all ok.
I ordered new carpet on order for my family room, I scheduled a measuring of my room. I cleaned my son’s bathroom. Because waiting for him to do it will mean waiting forever. Literally. Got my hair cut and highlighted. Grocery shopped. The day was gray, but in the middle of the day,I realized it was gray still, but was also green. As in the color of life, every tree and shrub and bit of foliage is so green this time of year. Green, as in the color of the heart chakra….Green.
Acceptance Comes Slowly
So dawns a new day. I still have not heard a peep from him. I left another voicemail, I have texted him. It is unlike him to hold a grudge with me, especially when I am so obviously trying to find my way back to him. But this morning, acceptance is setting in.
I had a nightmare about him last night. And now I’m trying to see if I can logically understand why he is silent. So far these are my choices.
1. He’s still angry with me for being so hurt the other night. He cannot stand being the bad guy. All it required was an “I’m sorry”. We all make mistakes, he made one in not telling me he was not going to come. He made one in underestimating how much it meant to me. But a heartfelt “I’m sorry” would have gone a long way. A phone call would have been nice.
2. He read the blogs I wrote after, “Crash and Burn” and “Sifting through the smoldering ruins” and was furious. He dislikes i when I write about him, us. When we are published on the internet. No one knows me, or him. He says, “yes, but when your book is published they will know who you are, and then who I am….” That’s still such a long shot. But I have to write about me. I have told him any blog I write is a snapshot in time of how I am feeling at that moment. So why don’t I just journal it, why publish? Because when I am in pain, confused, fearful I long for feedback from my peers. The community helps me through it, helps me not to feel so alone. I am quite able, obviously, when my feelings change, or circumstances change, to own it, and correct it here. I rue the day I ever gave him the link to this blog. It puts a bracket on my freedom to write what I feel here.
3. Maybe he is too sick to communicate with me. I can’t know that he actually went to work yesterday. I do know that he wasn’t in the hospital. I do know that he didn’t die, because I checked the obits this morning. Sounds morbid, I know, but if he had an aneurism, which could kill him instantly, I would never know, I would never be told by anyone because no one knows of me. So it was some kind of black comfort not to see his name there. Maybe he is just in too much pain to add the stress of talking to me to it. But…he doesn’t have to talk with me. Just to tell me how he is, in a text or an email, and then ask me to continue to leave him alone, and I will. Just to ease my mind.
4. I have occasionally, thought, what if his ex girlfriend leaves her new husband (that she found within 4 months of breaking up with him after 12 years) and wants him back? He told me many times he was not over her, that he thought she was the one. I asked him not that long ago, maybe a couple months, what he would do if that happened. He said he didn’t know. Which didn’t help me feel secure with him at all, obviously. There is no making sense of who we choose to love, he says he loved her, and she took him for so much….. I just don’t know. But it is what it is. I mean, I still love him after all the ups and downs we have had, when it is quite obvious to me that this is not a healthy relationship. This #4 reason leads me to the nightmare.
I dreamed he finally called me. We were, in the dream, on the phone, but I could see him at his house as well. He told me he was in love. His voice was odd, kind of a falsetto. He has in reality a deep, sexy voice. I kept asking with who? And he just kept telling me it was real, he was finally in love. (He constantly told me he didn’t want to be in love.) Then I could see his ex girlfriend in his jacuzzi. And I said, “tell me who it is or I’m hanging up.” He got mad at that threat and started yelling back at me on the phone. I hung up, I woke up.
This morning I can’t help but wonder if the universe was telling me something. I don’t even know what to look up on dreammoods.com. It is so unusual for me to dream about him, about anyone I know, and to remember it, though I am sure I remember it because it woke me.
So where am I at this morning? Still numb, thankfully, from the wine and an Ambien. It’s nice how the two combine to knock you out on a night when you’d not have slept otherwise. Especially after the dream. I am accepting that I can’t do anything about his refusal to communicate. I can call the hospitals again, and make sure he’s not there. I considered calling his ex-wife, who doesn’t know me, and asking her to check on him. Because I am pretty sure, that unless he goes in the hospital, he has not told his family about his health issues either. By family I mean ex-wife and kids. But then I think, in my best Byron Katie mind, no don’t do that. Then you are in HIS business. (you know, there are three kinds of business: Mine, other peoples, and God’s)
So to try to stay in my business, only mine today, I won’t try to reach him but just let it be, as he used to tell me all the time. Maybe he’ll be in touch when he feels up to it. Maybe he never will be again. My business is to go on with my life. So, I’m going to go get my hair done, go to the grocery store, go get 2 new tires for my car and maybe talk to my ex husband about our son while they put the tires on, since his business is right next door to the tire place. But his business is weather related and we are supposed to have a huge storm this afternoon (of course, it’s Saturday) so he might not be there. That should keep me clear of him until tonight.
Acceptance of what you truly don’t want to have to accept is such a mind-fuck But again, it’s reality. He is not communicating with me, and I need to respect that is how he wants it, for whatever reason. I can’t put too much energy into that thought, the lump in my throat begins to grow again.
Slowly taking steps to move beyond this pain.
Peace, Out
My heart feels a little heavy this morning. Maybe too much red wine last night. Maybe not. I feel guilty that my friend is going through this health issue alone. That I am not with him. But then again, he’s made it clear that that’s how he wants it, and I need to quit projecting onto him how I would feel about it. I think he knows, or should know, anyway, that energetically I am there.
And then again….while I am with him energetically, the actual not being there, physically, emotionally….I don’t feel bad about. Because I was broken, once more, and the pieces are not put back together. I don’t know if they can be. I think too many times I’ve been broken. Broken when he fucked the prison whore, broken when he would come have sex and leave, or tell me after that we needed not to see each other so much. Broken when he would ignore my needs. And broken, now, by a week of not knowing what was wrong wit him, meanwhile trying to do as he asked while I waited until he could or would tell me, broken by him not showing up and not even telling me he wasn’t coming. He was capable. He has been going to work, if he can work, he is certainly capable of realizing he should have let me know, and at least, the very least, texting me to say he wasn’t coming. The blatant disregard was just more than I could deal with on top of his refusal to tell me what is wrong with his health. I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, that was all that I needed to push me in.
It just occurred to me, he thinks that it was about my temper, about me being angry. He doesn’t understand the concept of hurt, I guess. It was pain, on my part. Not anger. It was me crying out in pain. It was a broken, yet again, heart.
I guess he can’t imagine the depth of the feeling I had, and have for him. I need to let it go.
But now I have no idea how he is. Is he in the hospital? Is he still in pain? Is he having surgery? Is he scared? Does he want me there now? Now, that he’s pushed me away? I can’t ask, I can’t know. I need to move on.
It was never mine to deal with, I was never included, I was never in the loop. He always preferred to be alone. I need to move on.
I’ll continue to ask the universe to take care of him. I’ll continue to send him love and light and healing energy. My soul and his, I know are connected in ways I can’t explain and sometimes wish weren’t, because it makes the letting go so hard, when I know the cord which connects us in that way is strong.
But I need to let go and move on, and not change who he is by asking to be brought into his life.
Peace, out.
Ater the Fire Is Out, Sifting Through the Smoldering Remains
Last Friday night when I saw the psychic, my native American spirit guides told me, first thing, first message they gave me, was “Stand your ground, don’t back down.” The medium said she could hear the Tom Petty song. My friends and I knew what that was about, I was trying to end, at that time, the relationship which had become purely physical and was not nourishing me.
The medium said, “You stand it lovingly, not with meanness in your heart. And with no expectation that this other person is going to go along with it.” Which was exactly what was happening. He didn’t want me to break it off, but I was unhappy with it as it was. She also told me that standing my ground would open doors for me.
Then he brought in his health issues. Because I loved, and still love, him, i caved, I could only feel love and concern for him He wouldn’t tell me the possibilities, because he didn’t want that energy out there. And because he thought I would “go ballistic.”
Yes, I would have been upset, but I was already upset.”Ballistic” is not what I would have become however. “Ballistic would be how I might describe a reaction of anger. I wasn’t angry, I was upset, concerned, in love. Wanted to know what might be in store for the man I loved, and wanted to be able to determine if I could in anyway help him get through this. Based on the symptoms, there wasn’t one outcome that was better than the other. He promised when he knew something definite he would tell me. Until then, he said, “I need you to just be with me.” And so I was. I was there when he called, I did what he asked, I didn’t ask him to tell me. I did tell him that I loved him, I did express concern about him. Of course. Not a lot, not often, but when I felt it was appropriate.
So, I did what I could do. I sent him Reiki, I sent him all the positive energy I could, I sent up prayers to the Universe that he come through it ok. I kept that to myself, because I felt he preferred that I act like nothinig was wrong.
Apparently, my acquiescing to his wishes gave him license to treat me however he needed to. And last night’s no show, on the heels of not knowing all week what was wrong, just broke me. He was scared and in pain he said. Why is that an excuse to hurt someone? I don’t know. If he wasn’t going to tell me the whole story, he shouldn’t have told me any of it. But he told me what he did, to keep me in his words, not mine, “from dumping” him.
“You’re making it all about you” he said last night. When you turn my world upside down, it will be, for me, about me, until I right myself again. Never disrespecting that he has some real serious issues.. But he disrespected me, and my love care and concern for him.
So, contrary to the spirit advice, and what my own gut had told me, I didn’t stand my ground, I did back down. But this morning, after dealing with the pain of his carelessness last night, I will stand my ground once again. He asked me to leave him alone, and I will. I said, do the same for me, please.
It’s what he wanted all along, to be alone. Now he is. Me, well…I am alone in a sense that I’m not with him. But I’m blessed with a life full of people who love me. I’ll be fine.
Crash and Burn
I didn’t stay afloat. I crashed and burned. My “friend” with the serious health challenges set us up to fail. Maybe he wanted me out of his life so he could deal with it alone, and not have to have me worrying about him. (As if I wouldn’t worry anyway.) Maybe he just thought it was a joke, and didn’t realize how cruel he was being to me.
I spent the last 5 days worrying about his health issues. That’s all he would say. He didn’t want to talk about them with me until he had specifics. The reason that he told me that he had them at all was because I was trying to end it with him last week, and he used the symptoms to explain why he was treating me so badly. It worked, I didn’t end it. Instead, I did everything he asked me to do to help him keep his mind off of it, and to relax. Including leaving him alone today.
Even though, leaving him alone today, was torture, because I knew he had seen a dr yesterday, and that he should have had some answers, and that he told me if the dr. called last night he had to go right to the hospital. For some reason, he thought I wouldn’t care enough to be worried sick. But I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t let him know how worried I was, I just kept things light, and gave him whatever he asked for.
Then late today, I heard from him, and I was so relieved. I didn’t know if he’d gone to the hospital today, I didn’t know what shape he was in, I had no idea about anything. I wanted to dance when I got a text from him. He made me believe he was coming over tonight. I thought, finally, I might know something. Finally, I could hold him, feel him, have him with me so I knew he was safe even if it was just for one evening. I left work elated, imagining sitting on the deck talking.
But he didn’t come. I waited and waited. My stomach more in knots every second. Would he really do this to me? After making me wait all week, not sharing with me information that would allow me to at least know. I mean, I am pretty strong. I can deal with anything if I just know what I’m dealing with. Finally, when I’d been waiting 45 minutes I texted him, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from him.
He wasn’t coming. He’d wanted to but he wasn’t. And he wouldn’t even tell me he wasn’t. He would have let me sit here all night wondering if he was in a car accident, or just playing a joke on me, or was trying to get rid of me.
I am gonna say….it was a passive aggressive move to get rid of me. He can’t deal with how much I care for him, he’s used to dealing with stuff alone, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings. It’s about him, but I’m in it too, because I love him, because for whatever reason, he told me that he had some serious health issues. And he has no respect for that, no care or concern for me, or my feelings, which are all about him. Or, doesn’t want to have to respect, or feel care or concern for me.
Looking back through our communication, I thought it very telling that he said “I brought you in against my better judgment, because of your constant yammering. And now look, once again I am the bad guy for “hurting” you! WHAT ABOUT ME?” As I said, he brought me in to keep me from “dumping” him. But what I wonder is, how did I hurt him? By doing what he asked? By loving him unconditionally? What about him? He’s possibly sick, maybe very sick. But I did nothing to contribute to that. I did everything I could, everything I was asked to, to help him deal with it, which meant not asking, not being upset, leaving him alone. What about him??? I didn’t do anything to him. I never tried to make him believe something that wasn’t true, let alone refuse to apologize for it. What about him indeed.
Whatever. He’s used to being alone, not having anyone else who gives a real shit. And that includes the past women in his life, as far as I’m concerned. But at any rate….
We couldn’t get through it together. We couldn’t even talk on the phone. I wrote something, and sent it to him, trying to explain why I sat here crying for an hour or two. We just couldn’t do it together. We can’t do anything together.
I love him, but I have to walk away. The relationship had gone purely physical anyway, that’s why I was trying to end it last week. His words tonight were, that it was a good idea for me to be gone. That he loved fucking me, but hated my temper. That’s about as far from what I want as I can imagine.
So…we crashed and burned. I tried, I have no regrets. I hope he works through his health issues. I really do. It will be hard not knowing. But we agreed to leave each other alone and that’s for the best.
Gonna sell my house and start over in Florida. Better luck next time.
Stuff on My Mind
Stuff on my mind lately. Important stuff, to me. Don’t really know what to do about it. Don’t really feel like writing about it. I think it’s best just to sit with it. I don’t feel pressed to make any kind of decision about it. I need a little distance from the “event” that pulled it all to the top.
While I would always describe myself as a happy person, there is an aspect of my life that seems to be deliriously happy or very unhappy. Lately more unhappy than happy, even though the happy moments have been grandiose.
Feeling like I wish I could just retire, sell my house and move to Florida, buy myself a cute little house and disappear into the landscape. In the next 5 days. Nothing like a dream…
Sometimes it might be way easier not to know what I want. But all that time I spent figuring out who I was when I left my marriage enabled me to create a vision. And generally, everything is coming into focus with what envisioned. Except this one thing…..
Sigh. Gonna go to bed, sleep on it. Maybe do a little bit of Byron Katie’s inquiry on it. It would help to just accept reality I think. As long as I was sure I knew what that was.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
You must be logged in to post a comment.