Manatees, and Men

Posted on by learning to live like water

As much as I’ve written, longed for, obsessed about, finding love in my life, tonight I’m not sure I want this. I am rethinking.

I had a nice date today. We saw about 50 manatee, across the small bay. I was the first to sight them, as the sun came out of the clouds and all of a sudden there were what looked like logs over by where the warm water came out of the power plant. They were the backs of manatee sunning themselves. We saw one swimming down the middle of the channel.

Tim kept lamenting that it was not bright sunny. It was nice enough, about 78, and some sun and some clouds. He also kept lamenting that we didn’t see a manatee up close. He wanted it perfect. He is trying so so hard to impress me, to “sweep me off my feet” in his words. I don’t want to be swept, I want to fall in love with someone based on who they really are. When I see him, when he’s not trying, I really like him.

After the manatee, we stopped and got a Subway sandwich and he took me to a park on the water in the backwaters of Tampa Bay. A lovely park. We sat at a picnic table and could see the mangrove forest, it really was, and families picnicking, people out in kayacks and canoes. Still he kept being upset it was not sunny and was windy.

We came back to my house where we sat and talked for about an hour. Then I like him, when we are talking about our lives, getting to know each other. He is dying for intimacy, I am totally not feeling it yet. He told me why he thought he likes me so much, that I am a blend of the two women he’s loved in his life. I told him why I am so cautious. I said, well, you don’t want to be like either of the men I loved. My ex….puhleez. Enough said. Abusive asshole. Then I told him how my heart had been just decimated by a game player. I gave him plenty of information about that relationship, about the end of it again, a short time ago. I also told him I don’t think I have any serious baggage from any of it, except that now I am very cautious about giving my heart away, and how I need to feel real connection to be intimate. He doesn’t push, even though I knew he wanted more than a kiss, and hand holding while we talked.

He left, and I was relieved. Relieved to have my house to myself again, after 3 days of having company, and then being with him all day. I need some time to myself.  I was glad he was going home because I cannot match his intensity of desire. Echoes of my relationship with Addie, but not nearly as needy. And I wondered, do I really want someone in my life? I find something wrong with everyone that I date, some reason why I don’t want to continue. I am at least looking for things I like here. But I’m not sure what’s up with me. Maybe I’m just looking to replace something that never was real anyway, and maybe I should just leave well enough alone. Maybe I just miss that intense physical attraction, connection. I’d like to feel that with a man who isn’t renowned for breaking my heart.

I guess I’m just going to continue to take it slow with him. He seems ok with it. I’m not closing my options down at this point. I am thinking I might send him an email and lovingly explain to him where I am a little better than I did today. Just continue the conversation.

I guess there are worse problems, lol, than a guy who is crazy about you, that you like, but aren’t crazy about. I guess I should get over myself, lol. And I guess that’s why I’m having a glass of wine and eating pretzels (gluten free, lol) while I type this.

Love and light everyone.

Gonna Be A Good Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I slept like a baby for 8 hours, and it feels SO good. I am up early, woke before daybreak. That’s how I like it, honestly. I don’t like to miss part of the day in bed, which is probably why I don’t like to nap. The two friends who stayed last night are still sleeping, and probably will be for at least another hour. Yesterday and today I had my hour to myself in the morning, it makes all the difference to my well being.

Apparently writing is like a meditation for me. It is a way to clear my head and observe what’s on my mind. And so…. this morning, I feel content. Rested. Happy. Loving my friends here. Loving the fact that I am going on a really cool date with a man who presents possibilities to me. Not longing for any of the old stuff, at all.

I’m going to be treasurer of this Veterans Art Center non-profit thing. They want to meet with me next week, on Tuesday but I told them I have a dr appointment, and I don’t want to do it at 9 AM. LOL. I’m retired, the days of my 9 AM meetings are over, lol. But I’ll do it, I think it’s a worthy cause, and I want to be involved in something here that will allow me to give back. I’ve been so blessed.

My friends are leaving around 11 this morning. Tim is coming to get me at noon. It’s about an hour’s drive there. The weather is perfect today. Low 60’s now, and going to be close to 80 this afternoon and sunny.

It’s going to be a good day. Love and light….

It’s Been a Busy Few Days With My Old Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have not been writing much since my friends are here. Nor have I been able to keep up on reading blogs. I hope to start that endeavor Monday in earnest.

I’ve been having a great time with them. Thursday night we went out to get a bite to eat before we went to open mic night. Open mic was so much fun, although it was pretty quiet in comparison to the week before. We totally enjoyed it.

Then last night my friends boyfriend, who lives down here, took us all to a very fancy restaurant in a nearby town, right on the water. It was so awesome. We had oysters on the half shell, and for dinner I had a lobster roll. I tried to clarify with the waiter if it was lobster salad with mayo or if it was plain lobster with drawn butter. Down here usually it’s lobster salad, with mayo. I’m a New England purist, and if I am eating Maine lobster, then I only want drawn butter, nothing else. The waiter said it was with a little mayo, but he could get it dry with nothing but butter, so I ordered it. It was huge, a ton of lobster meat, and just butter. It was so good. The waiter came and talked to us for quite some time, he recognized that we were all of his generation. The piano player came over and asked us for some requests too, which was cool. She didn’t go to anyone else’s table to ask.

Today my friend and the boyfriend drove to Ft. Pierce, 2 hours away, and took a ferry to Key West, stayed there for 5 hours, then took the ferry back, and then are driving 2 hours back up here. It seems they had a pretty good time. A nice boat ride, anyway.

After taking a long walk today, and just sitting around gabbing, still, lol, catching up with each other, we went over to a little community on St. Pete Beach, the barrier island. The community is Pass-A-Grille, right on the gulf. We went to a bar/restaurant up on the 2nd floor and watched the sunset. It was stunning. We had a cocktail each and a light dinner. I had a blackened grouper rueben sandwich. It was so good.

It has been really nice to catch up with these old friends. We talk about old times, and new times, and in between times. It’s just so comforting to still be friends with the people who were so much a part of my growing up. We are always laughing, and we laughed at ourselves when I said, wow, the place is not really that messy for having 4 people staying in this small space! I was remembering what someone’s basement would look like when the same 4 of us would sleep over at someone’s house as teenagers, lol.

It’s just been so nice, brings balance to my life. The friend who lives in Daytona Beach wants us to come over there soon, and I intend to do that. Hearing her talk about it, it sounds heavenly. She lives about 2 blocks from the Atlantic Ocean, and one of the most beautiful beaches in FL. There are all kinds of events there, with the raceway, and bike week being a couple of them. It’s a pretty hopping place I think. When we go, she’s going to take us to St. Augustine, the oldest city in the US. There is supposedly a lot of seaglass on the beach, but it’s supposed to be a beautiful beautiful place.

Tomorrow is my date, I’m still looking forward to that. I think I’m going to really enjoy it. Life is so good, so many exciting things going on. Happiness quotient is high tonight, lol.

Love and light.

Working Out Sleeplessness

Posted on by learning to live like water

I see my old friend Pat sleeping on my couch, in deep sleep and I think how nice it would be, to be able to just sleep anywhere. She’s one of those people who can. My mom used to be able to do that. My mother-in-law fell asleep at an NHL hockey game once. You know it was not quiet there, lol.

I went right to sleep last night, and well I should have. 3 hours sleep the night before, 2 rum and cokes at the restaurant, and we had a little smoke when we got home. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up, and of course, couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s getting old, this not sleeping thing. I had taken a full Ambien, just to make sure I slept, but there you go. So at 1 AM I took a Benedryl. That’s ridiculous I know. I am aghast at myself for putting so much crap in my body, but I am craving sleep and it is just evading me.

Lately when I’m like this I have to get up and write. Stream of consciousness…just let out whatever it is. Last night I felt very comfortable with my friends sleeping here. I was not overstimulated. When I went to bed I was only looking forward to climbing in between my sheets in that bed I love. But there I was, awake at 1:30 AM.

I picked up my laptop, opened it up and began to write.

What came out was, all the tentative hope I had for this relationship with Tim. He sent me an email this morning. Telling me about his night, and that he can’t wait to see me. Not gushing, just loving. He included a poem, I don’t know if he wrote it. I don’t think so, it was in quotes but the author not id’d.

I also realized that I still miss things about S, which I wish I didn’t. But that is always overridden now with his ability to play games with me and others, and the way I am always the big loser with him, that there is nothing to be gained from him. I guess when you love someone you always love some parts of them. The funny, smart, sexy parts. But they aren’t worth the brokenness, the chaos, the confusion.

I know where I stand with Tim, and it is so reassuring. I also am physically attracted to him, and that too is reassuring to me that we can get to that place eventually. He’s not overbearing, but likes to stay in touch. He’s not demanding, but expresses himself. He is not afraid to put his arm around me, he is not afraid to take my hand and talk to me seriously. He is not overly demonstrative, but is demonstrative. And he’s also smart, and has an artsy side. He loved his wife, who died after a 7 year battle of cancer. He was her caregiver all that time. And happy for the job.

What do I not like about him? Well, he has a drawl, lol, and my mind always clicks to a redneck when I hear a drawl. But he’s so not. He is so much an aging hippie like me, even though he’s an ex-firefighter, and ex-cop.

So, I have hope that this will go somewhere. He’s a really good man. I am cautious, too cautious with him. Like I should have been with S, and wasn’t, jumping in with both feet. I resolved not to do that again. To let things grow, to fill the marble jar, before giving myself over completely. S would always put 5 marbles in the jar, and then dump it over and just watch the marbles roll out. It’s just too hard to retrieve yourself, when someone breaks your heart. Jumping in set me up for heartbreak over and over again. I can’t imagine Tim willfully breaking my heart. Nor me his. I’ve broken a man’s heart before, but not willfully. It was just that I could not match his emotions for me. That man was needy, and I am so not. I love to be in love, but not with just anyone.

So that dichotomy, between the two men, that chaotic jumble of emotions, is what was keeping me up. Tomorrow Tim and I will go manatee watching, sunset watching and really see if we connect. I’m looking forward to the growth of the seed that’s been planted.

Love and light to all.

Old Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was 4:30 in the morning. My 3 friends were sprawled through the house, in the guest room, and on the recliners on either end of my large sectional. I had gone to bed an hour and a half before.

As tired as I was, I could not sleep. Too much junk food. Too much stimulation. I need to have  my downtime and didn’t have it. One of them is staying until Sunday morning.  One will be going back to her home here tomorrow, I think.  Though she may opt to spend the night again tonight. The other will be staying at her boyfriends.

We all got up between 8 and 10, I was of course, the first.  Made the coffee, and we sat out on my deck and just talked, the way old old friends do.  Finally, we made some food, rather, I made some food.  We ate, and I began to fade.  So at 2 pm I laid down to take a nap.  We’re all going out to eat tonight, and I’m going to be exhausted.

I have discovered that having a bunch of people in my house does not lend itself to me sleeping.  I’ve been alone too long, I think.  I love these girls, they are my sisters, but I was longing for a little time to myself.  I couldn’t even write, and that’s always a problem for me.

I finally got up at about 4, and thought I’d better get up, and get a shower in if we’re going out. When I walked out of my room, I found out that there was no one here. As if magically, the two girls who were here had heard me wish for some alone time, and had gone shopping down in the center of town. I am so utterly grateful, so I can write, and recenter myself.

I heard from Tim today a couple of times. He is learning how to use his new smartphone and mastered sending an email, lol. He keeps it short and sweet, as if he’s afraid of intruding. It’s so nice to be treated that way. I’m so looking forward to seeing him Sunday.

I’m looking forward to going out with my friends again, though I am spending way more money than I want to, but it’s a rare occasion for us all to be together. I’ll just have to make it up somehow.

I think we’re about to leave for our dinner tonight, on the beach, watching the sunset. Should be lovely. I hope I have time to check in later.

Love and light, everyone.

On Being Reborn Occasionally

Posted on by learning to live like water

My sister gave me an orchid. It’s a lovely lavender color. I was afraid at first. Aren’t orchids complicated to grow? I don’t have a green thumb, and have only had plants thrive when they require no care, lol, except watering. In my house in CT, I had two skylights in the living room, and the plants loved it. I watered them once a week, and fed them maybe every couple of months and they loved it there. But that was my only real success at growing things indoors. I’ve had a fairly successful herb garden outside, but that again, required little care. Watering, feeding and once in a great while, weeding.

Anyway, I expressed my reluctance over having an orchid to my sister, and she said, “Oh they’re the perfect indoor plant! They thrive on neglect!” I just stared at her like, um, I doubt it….. She told me, yes, just check the soil once a week and if it seems dry put a few ice cubes on it. Keep it out of direct sunlight.”

I’ve followed those instructions, and I’ve had it 3 weeks now, and it has not even begun to die! Whoo Hoo!

She did tell me though, that it will go through a stages. That there will be times it looks dead, like just forget it, and you’ll be about to throw it out, but don’t. Suddenly it will burst back to life.

So that’s somewhat reassuring, that when I think it’s dead, it won’t be, it will just be resting.

It’s a hopeful plant, then. You don’t have to lose hope, and it springs back to life. And….I know this is true, because she has quite a few of them, and when I got here, I didn’t know what they were. They were in a shady part of her garden, but where they could still get rain. It’s where she left them when she left for the summer. I got here in September.

I remember seeing them grouped together in their separate pots. I thought well, those are dead, whatever they are, she’ll have to throw those out when she gets here.

Now they are flowering beautifully again.

I guess we can all, even plants, be reborn into a beautiful life. That’s what Florida has done for me. I feel reborn. The stress of work, of relationships that didn’t work, of dealing with cold and snow by myself….are gone, and been replaced with warm weather, many new friends, new and different ways to spend my time.  I miss my son, but that’s a sweet loving emotion, because we talk every day, and he’s doing so well in Colorado.  Life is beautiful, just like my orchid.

Love and light, all.

My Orchid

orchid

Volunteering for Vets

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a meeting tonight. My friend Pat has been trying to get me involved in this charitable project for the vets. It is to assist them in overcoming emotional problems through art. All kinds of art. Pat is an artist, a painter, with a degree in fine arts, and will curate the showing of the vets work. I’m really just a lay person, didn’t feel qualified. But then I meet the man who coordinates all the volunteers, and my sis reminded me that I can do bookkeeping, (even though it’s not my idea of fun) or could just assist in other ways. I do make jewelry, and write, but not with any credentials. Pat’s friend Rob went with us. He has a Masters in Fine Arts, and also a degree in theater. He has written 2 screen plays, and writes poetry. Anyway, he would like to develop a writing class for this, to help the vets to express themselves. I told him I’d be really happy to help with it.

At the end of the 2 hour meeting, I think I’ve become their treasurer. It’s only a matter really of keeping the checkbook in balance. Since I managed the financial aspect of my own business for 30 years, I don’t think it will be a big deal. I told them I’m happy to do it, as long as it doesn’t become a 40 hour per week job. I think maybe 2 hours a week.

The volunteer coordinator is the guy we met at the artwalk last week, the guy my sister kept saying, “didn’t you notice how he was paying attention to you?” I did like him, although I was oblivious to his interest, he’s a park ranger by day, and a photographer by night and any other spare time he has. Good looking guy. Tonight he got up a spoke, about how his photography saved his life, etc. A few of his photographs were displayed around the room. Someone mentioned the beautiful sunset, but he said, well, actually, they are all sunrise. I prefer the light of sunrise to sunset.” There’s a man after my own heart. I talked to him about it during the meet and greet part of the meeting and he showed me a few others of his that he took at sunrise. Quite a talented photographer.

Even though I like Tim a lot, a real lot, I don’t think it’s wise for me to close the door quite yet. We’ve only had one date. Things are looking good, but I’ve had other men that I dated once and liked a lot, dated twice and couldn’t stand them. So, until I’m sure, I will keep my options open. But he did call me today. He is taking me manatee watching on Sunday. It’s supposed to be a beautiful day. The plan is to do the manatee watching in the afternoon, and then catch a sunset on the water somewhere on the way back to my house. I gotta say, he does plan the coolest dates, lol.

It was beautiful day again today. The cold weather is basically gone, it was 75 today. My handyman came today to finish up a project and help me with a couple of things. I really wanted to get my bedroom curtains hung, and he hung all the brackets for the curtain rods. He helped me get a knick-knack shelf hung, got my mirror reattached to my dresser. So, now my curtains are hung, and lots of stuff is done.

It was a day worth smiling about. Love and light.

Making Sense of My 3 Days of Booming Stats

Posted on by learning to live like water

The other day I mentioned that I had a lot of views on my blog. It went on for 3 days. Sunday 174, Monday 187, today 179. A total of 540 in 3 days, about double my average. It stopped last night late. I went to bed and had about 130 hits, and this morning 140 when I woke up. The rest of the day, the number per hour was normal, so I think whoever it was was done when they went to bed late last night.

People who read my blog regularly know who I think it was. One of two people. Maybe not. I could be wrong.  However, if it’s a new reader who is reading all those blogs, they would normally at least “like” some of them, to let you know that’s why they were reading so many. My “likes” did not increase with the number of views, they were normal.  The views per visitor went from a normal of about 2.5 to 3, up to 11 at one point.

So, I was a little creeped out at first. Wondering why suddenly there was such an interest in what I wrote. Felt like I was being stalked. But as it went on, I realized that someone, anyone, wanting to read my blogs need not creep me out. Someone was searching for answers. I was just recording my life, and my feelings.  After all, it’s a public blog for public consumption.  I mean, we’d all like to have our stats suddenly doubled every day, right?  That’s why we publish our words, and don’t write them out and stick them in a drawer or file them in an anonymous folder on our computers.

I think we all read blogs to share others lives, to learn from others experiences. I know I do. Why would this be any different? Sometimes we all get stuck, can’t figure out what’s happening. We search, wherever we can, to find the answers.  Someone had questions they thought perhaps my blogs could answer.

So, who knows, maybe the answers were given, maybe they were not. I’ll never know. It’s not important to me on a personal level. I write for myself. For no one else. I know sometimes it seems I did, do, but it has always been for me, a way to express myself, to release my concerns, my pain, or my joy to the universe. If a side effect was that my blogs affect others, it’s collateral effect. But never a main one.  And generally, if  a blog helps someone move in a positive direction, then I am happy to have played that role.  When someone comments that they could relate, or learned something, or found a new way to look at a problem, through my words, it is a satisfying collateral effect.

I hope whoever read these many blogs got the answers they wanted, and can go on with their life. Or lives. I hope, if the answers they needed were contained in my blogs, that these answers got where they were needed, and that the end of an era is at hand in my life. And maybe theirs, if I’m right about who the reader(s) were.

My life has been full of drama for almost 2 years. I am so sick of the drama. I’m sick to death of the games that have been played to keep the drama going. It’s addicting, really, that adrenaline rush of drama. Many of you know that. But then at some point, when you are free of it, life becomes so beautiful, without the stress of drama, and the games people play with others lives. That’s where I’m at. I have a rich, full, beautiful life. I have put an end to any drama, and the games, in my life.

Maybe my words in those 540 blogs that were read helped someone else to do that, to end the drama in their lives. I hope that is the result. Even if I’m totally wrong about who read them, I hope that whoever did read them found what they needed to find.

I hope this blog is an end to all of this. I’m moving on, I’ve tried to make that clear. I have no ill will toward anyone, and I really hope that my stats doubling for 3 days gave someone some information, some answers that they needed.  And I want to thank them, for making my blog look good statistically, lol.

Peace out, love and light.