Staying Focused on What’s Real

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying, really trying. To stay focused on this moment. It’s getting easier. Tim emailed me today. He just bought a smartphone the other day, and has not yet figured out how to use it so is using email until he figures out texting, lol. Very old school, but that’s perfectly ok with me. I think I’ll see him Sunday. Go watch a sunset somewhere on St. Pete Beach maybe. I told him I will leave where up to him, he has lived here many years. I have no idea where to go.

I went for my back massage/therapy today. It’s so nice, and I’m feeling so much better. My friend was going into the dr as I was leaving, so I asked her to come over and take a walk with me after. Even though I know that walking with her will cut my walk short, it was nice to catch up with her. She has so many problems, physically, but is doing so much better. She’s been working at it, and it shows.

I’m drinking too much wine tonight. I don’t know why. I think it’s just relief. Celebrating that my life is actually manifesting as I’ve dreamed of before I even got here. Taking a breath. It all settles out as it should.

Today I found out that the wood from a banyan tree is heavy. I have to carry the branches that were cut to the curb, and boy, the branches are heavy. Really glad that he cut them into small pieces! I didn’t get it all moved there, I’ll do it in two loads, so they can pick up the rest next week. As he was cutting it, it was dripping a thick white sap. It’s such a cool tree. Shallow roots that run in designs all over the yard. It’s so kind of artsy for a tree, lol. And that’s perfect for this locale.

Life is an ever-changing fluid situation, isn’t it. I think one reason I chronicle my life here in this blog, is because I want to remember, correctly, intimately, what I felt at any given time. Memory tends to taint the reality of what really happened, at least my memory does. I want to be able to see it, and know, for sure, how I got from Point A to Point B. And then let it Be.

Love and light, all.

New Ground, New Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

new-ground

There is new ground here
Created from the spoiling of what has fallen before
Spoiled, rotted, left to seep back into the ground
To create fertile earth for new life.

The old fell to the earth
Crashed and burned in some cases.
But the ash mixed with what just died,
and a few fertile inches were born
Of the transformed energy.

The landscape glows again.
The life on it thrives
From the life given by the dying of the old.
The cycle of life.
Also, the cycle of love.
Rebirth has begun here,
In my life, in my heart, and in my gardens.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Overcoming HyperVigilance

Posted on by learning to live like water

In the morning, I generally meditate for 15-20 minutes. I use guided meditations, they just seem to help me keep my mind clear of the noise, or at least, bring me back to mindfulness when I stray. I have noticed that I am often leaning toward the sounds, either from my computer or my phone. I can’t remember the name for this, EET? Electronic Energy Transfer? Maybe.

I remember when I was attuned for my level 3 Reiki. The teacher had me sitting in a chair and was playing a crystal bowl in front of me, and another in back of me. This is possible, because the circular sound continues, even after your stop playing the bowl, so she’d move from one to the other. I was in a pretty deep meditative state, and I remember finding myself leaning forward and then back, kind of in a circle with the sound, as she moved from one to the other, and each became dominant in turn. My eyes were closed, I was not paying attention to her movements. But I remember leaning into the energy.

Same thing with my meditation out of an electronic source. However….the crystal bowl is simply vibration, created from a human effort on pure crystal. The electronic energy is a man-made phenomena, and I wonder if it is good for me, actually.  Whenever I went to a gong bath, they asked us to shut our phones off, so that the phones would not be searching for an electronic vibration.

I guess it’s ok because I always feel more centered and grounded after it. But certainly not as I did back in the days when I used to get to the gong baths regularly, or a meditation group, where a person led us. I think I need to find that again.

It’s always a better, deeper meditation if I can sit outside. I haven’t been able to ngo outside in the early morning lately, because it’s been cold in Florida the last few days. Hopefully I’ll be able to get outside again by the end of the week. Nature always allows me to get to a deep space that calms and frees me.

I am beginning to let go of the hypervigilance that has been a part of my life for so long. I had to be hypervigilant in my marriage, to stay safe, and keep my son safe. I needed to stay a step ahead of his father, if I could. And with S, I was also hypervigilant, constantly trying to discern what was truth and what was a lie.

None of it matters now. I met a man who I don’t think is capable of a lie, any more than I am. And I have no need to be hypervigilant of those who are in my past any more. It’s a very peaceful, wonderful feeling. Not to be searching for that which can hurt you, because none of it can.

Still, I find it interesting how the energy vibrations can physically move me. I have found myself at times in the last few weeks, moved to hypervigilance unconsciously. Not realizing it until I was there. And then having to make my way back to my happy place. It became a habit.

I do trust my gut. I do think that if I find myself somehow becoming hypervigilant that there is probably an energy extending toward me, causing it. But I believe now, I can just send it back. It’s a vibration, temporary, and will dissipate, once I recognize it. Because I’m a reiki practitioner, I am very aware of the ability of energy to cover miles, 1000’s of miles, instantaneously. Because with some people I’m an empath, that energy can get amplified. But I’m beginning to understand. I don’t need to get caught up in it, or stressed out over it. Just recognize it, honor it, and let it go.

Life continues to be rich and full here. I am excited to spend time with Tim again, next weekend. I’m very excited to see my girlfriends from high school. I am so happy that my life has turned out this way. The lessons learned have not been in vain.

Love and light, all.

Finally!

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just wanna say my date with Tim, the ex-firefighter was so awesome. I like him so much, as a person. It’s not sparks flying, but there is definitely a possibility that sparks may fly at some point. We have so much in common, and he is easy to talk to, and he listens when I talk. He took me to Ft. DeSoto, which is an 1100 acre park at the very tip of the St. Pete peninsula. It was beautiful. We spent hours there.

Feel like, FINALLY, I met a real man, a human being, no games. Just enjoyable company.

He said “I want to see you again. As soon as possible.” LOL. We both have commitments until at least Saturday. But I think I’ll probably see him this weekend. It made me so happy to finally have a date with someone who is seriously on the same page as me. Not looking for a wife or a soulmate to move in or take care of me. Just like me. We both said never say never, but that’s where we both are right now. We want the opposite sex in our lives, in a relationship, but we are both independent and perfectly ok alone. We both have a rich full life, but just want to add to it.

I didn’t tell him about the blog. I actually didn’t talk about writing at all, nor did he. We traded stories of our lives. I gave him the condensed version of my marriage, and relationship with S. He is widowed, and while it was fairly recent for him, 6 mos ago, he said he had 7 years to prepare, and he and his wife talked about it, and she told him not to sit around moping and to find someone if he wanted to. She wanted him to just live out his life and be happy. I like her, lol. That’s real love.

When I got home I picked up my friend who has no car and we went to the grocery store. I needed stuff for when the girls come later this week, and stuff to make hot and sour soup. Craving that. It’s been cold here. I’m afraid by the time I get the soup made, it will be hot and I won’t be in the mood for it, lol. But whatever. Gonna still make it tomorrow or Wed.

I’m pretty excited for my friends to come on Thursday. I think we will have a blast! Probably going to try to take a nap in the afternoon, and expect to be up til the wee hours of the morning.

Life is good. Amazing. Frigging living in paradise, even though it was chilly today. Windy. Way better than being up north where it’s probably cold, and windy. Happiness.

Love and light…..

Scammers, Odds and Ends

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday I said I wasn’t going to write more about these guys I’m meeting. But I will write about the ones who I don’t meet that I think are scammers or are just living in an alternate reality.

For instance, I got this this morning.

“Hi good morning how are you doing…i do really like your profile and i will like to get to know more about you..why don’t you check my profile and tell me what you think…anyway you take good care of your self there for me and have a nice day enjoy your Christmas Bruno”

This morning. He missed Christmas. Well..he’s a scammer. “i will like to get to know more about you” instead of “i would like to get to know more about you” is such a dead give away. And of course this message comes from a man with one pic up, a pic of a very handsome guy.

I’ve toyed with answering him. “You have a nice Christmas too, but it’s a pretty long wait, don’t you think?” Like roughly 350 days. But I won’t, I don’t respond to people I can ID as a scammer right from the start.

I have had 3 scammers all with names that end in “-taco”. With a different unintelligible first part of their name. But, it’s kind of a dead giveaway isn’t it. They all “will like to get to know more about” me. LOL. As soon as they get back to the States.

I have had messages from 4 different men, in about the last week, all of whom have the same profile. Exactly the same, word for word. After the 2nd one I started reporting them for fake profiles. That’s on a paid dating site. I gotta wonder what the scam is, if they’re willing to pay to scam you. I don’t wonder enough to try to find out though,lol. I’ve been scammed enough.

In other news, I actually slept 8 hours last night. Finally. I’m guessing the not sleeping while corresponding with Tom the Scammer was my body’s way of letting me know something was really not right about that whole thing. It is always so freeing to get the truth and set yourself free.

I guess it wasn’t Scott reading 100 posts in an hour yesterday. At least if it was, it didn’t spur him to leave me any vicious voice mails. I suppose it could have been Betty, but if it was, I would still have expected a nasty voice mail from him, complaining about something I’d written. Pretty soon I’ll be able to let go of that hypervigilance thing I think. Because I’m beginning to realize on a really deep level that I don’t have to allow whatever energy he spews into my life again, and that it’s not that hard. I can’t get an email from him, and I don’t have to listen to a voice mail. I’m hopeful that that little read-fest was a new reader, which is cool. I like that.

Looking forward to the day today. It’s going to be much warmer than yesterday, close to 70. And warmer each day this week, which is really nice because it will be nice, high 70’s when my two friends from high school get here! We’re going to have so much fun! My handyman is coming tomorrow night to retrieve the screw out of the curtain rod bracket. LOL. But maybe I’ll get the curtains hung before my friends get here. That would be nice!!

Love and light everyone.

As The Day Turned Out….

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m meeting Tim tomorrow morning. The ex firefighter. We’ll have coffee, and then see how the day unfolds. He needs to be home by 4 so he can watch his grandson after school for a half hour. He’s nice, talks a lot. I’ve noticed that some men do that, just jabber away at first, til they get relaxed talking to you. I’m glad, because I tend to be a little reticent at first. If you can believe that.

I did not hear from Tom. At all. He’s on line now. No message, no call. Disappearing act. I wonder if he was even real. One of my friends suggested he might be S disguising himself. Whatever, he was a disappointment last night, tonight I am only mildly curious, having expected not to hear from him today. I really expected it last night. But today, no…..

Today on my blog, I got a notice from WP that my stats were booming. I had almost 100 hits one hour. While on the surface that seems great, I know it’s an anomaly, and I always worry that it is S or his gf, because in the past I’ve found that out after the fact every time except once. Usually through an angry voice mail from S. So far that has not happened. Praying it does not. If it does, I will delete and not listen.

Men. Grrr.

I think I’ll stop writing about them, until there’s one that lasts.

In other news, lol, I tried to hang curtains in my bedroom. First the curtain rods, right. I drilled a hole, as the instructions said. I tried to then screw the bracket through the hole. And about ¾ of the way it got stuck. Like there was a piece of metal, and the screw could not penetrate it. Then the damn screw was stuck so tight I couldn’t get it back out. Stripped the screw trying. So now the bracket is dangling upside down from screw that won’t go in or come out. I called Don the Handyman. He’s coming over this week to finish the dryer vent in the attic, and to help me get the mirror back on my dresser. I said, I have one more little job for you to do, lol. Geezus.

Well, productively, I helped a friend out today, so feel good about that at least. It was a quiet cold day today. Like, COLD. 35 this morning. I was talking to a friend up north, and said, “I’m not going outside. I don’t want to remember what 35 feels like.” I did go out though, when it warmed up to about 55. I picked up my friend who’s been sick and has no car, and told her to bring over a couple loads of laundry, because I know she’s been wanting to go to the laundromat. So she did some, and we just hung out. Since I couldn’t hang my curtains, lol.

And now gonna go see if sleep evades me or gives me some rest tonight. It would be nice not to have suitcases under my eyes when I meet Tim tomorrow.

Love and light, all.

Considering the Possibilities

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought…..here I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

Saturday Stuff

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s cold and windy, for Florida. It was gray, and rainy all night, and morning. My sister was here, and slept like a baby, til 9:30 this morning! I slept about 4 hours. If. So much energy right now, I need to get centered. I need to sleep, lol. Meditate. Stay quiet. Distract myself.

Waiting is hard, when you really want what you’re waiting for, and you don’t really know what it is.

It would be so cool to have a first date on Wednesday. The date will be 1/11/17. There are four 1’s in that date. 11 is a master number. It’s an energy portal, new beginnings. My house is an 11, numerologically. January 11th is a powerful day. The number 1111 is like a wake-up call, like, Pay Attention. The Universe is about to send you a message. And there are 2 11’s in that number, so powerful.

But added to Pay Attention, and energy portals to new beginnings, is this…if you add up the numbers 1+1+1+1+7, you get 11! New beginnings! So exciting! I guess the day is a powerful one anyway, just think it might be cool to have the first date that day. If it works out that way.

If he calls like he says he will. If he continues to be the guy he has been consistently in his messages.

I’m obsessing. I need to stop. I have a life. I just really like him. The first man who has sparked me in a long long time. On to other things.

My sis and I went to a couple galleries in St. Pete this morning. They were all getting ready for the artwalk next Saturday, so many of the walls were bare. In the back of the one where I sold a couple necklaces, they had a childrens art exhibit, from some of the classes which they teach there. It was so fabulous. Really talented kids! They were all by kids in 5th grade.  9 year olds.  These are a few pics of their work. They were really inspiring.

The display was called “On my block” and each painting had a description of the painting and how it related to the artist.

We talked a bit about how this area is so full of creative outlets. This gallery, which sold a couple of my necklaces has classes in all kinds of creative endeavors. Wood, pottery, glass, painting, watercolor, even writing!

I came home and fell asleep on the couch this afternoon. It’s cold here…50’s. I guess that’s better than the snow the rest of the east coast got today. And we got rain, such a welcome event. It will be cold tomorrow and then the temps will be climbing back up to their normal 70’s – 80. Paradise.

Love and light.