Tag Archives: betrayal.

Even In My Sleep

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was a rough night last night.  Maybe because I opened up to A about my struggle to reclaim myself..  Maybe because I got hit by one of those rogue waves on the way home from work.  But last night I wrote the next two paragraphs in the middle of the night.

He came to me in a dream. We were together the way we used to be. For awhile, sweet, loving.  And then he began to tell me about being with her, and taking care of something for her. I got so angry. He wanted to know why I was ruining our good time being jealous of her.  I told him to leave. It was exactly the way he would act, the words were exactly what he would say about it. Cut my heart open and ask why I would bleed. 

I woke up wracked in pain, sobbing shaking. I could still feel him, smell him, taste him. I’m afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid he will come again and torture me. Can’t he just leave me alone?

Even in my sleep.  It was such a vivid dream, almost like a visitation.  I suppose there was a reason.  Maybe the purpose is to make me more fully accept that he chose her.  I am apparently still struggling with that, I think it’s mostly because of the way he just turned on me that day.  Suddenly I went from the one he wanted to be with, to a pariah, that he just wanted to quickly get me out of his life to make room for her.

He has since said, no, he wanted to keep me in his life, but under conditions he knows I could never accept.  And there is no trust now, I will never trust him again.

I felt like it was an energetic connection, manifesting.  I rarely remember my dreams, let alone feel so much from them.  Maybe because I’ve cut off all forms of communication to him, this is how his soul will communicate with me.  It’s exactly what he continued to try to convince me to do. To be with him, while he’s still with her. 

I’m considering going to the psychic, to try to understand what holds me back. What it is that keeps me connected.  It doesn’t feel normal.  It’s not like any connection, anything at all, that I’ve ever experienced before. Maybe I’ll talk to my friend Linda, who plays the gongs, but also does many types of energy work, including hypnotherapy.
My dear friend A….is another issue.  And I think talking to him last night didn’t help this struggle any, but I needed him to try to understand, which he doesn’t.  He wants to change my mind. He wants me to rest in his love, and forget about it.  I’ve done that before, but it can’t last, because I need to deal with the reason I chose to be with S, against all reason.  Why did I stay when I knew he would hurt me.  When he TOLD me he  would hurt me. Why did I choose not to believe him.  I tell everyone else, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. But I ignored that sage advice.

I need to know why.  I need to learn how to do it.  I need to understand.  And I need to find a way to stop loving the man.  And stop missing him.  And to stop seeing him as that little boy who just wanted to be loved, but as an adult couldn’t trust it when he got it, and instead fought it, fought not to have it, and found someone who can’t and wont give it to him, and he won’t give it to her.

Until I get this, I won’t be available for any relationship.

And A….is 2000 miles away.  I don’t think I even want to be in a committed loving relationship over a long distance.  I love him, he’s like a best friend, but intimacy requires more than that. If I’m going to be intimate, I want the intensity I felt with S.  I don’t want a relationship where I only see him for a short time with months in between.  I don’t want to live in the desert.  But I also don’t want to be with out the love and kindness of the man.  I’m afraid he will just get sick of my inability to deal with what happened with S and give up on me.

So,rough night.  not much sleep.  Still feel like crying this morning.  I want my life back.  I want to be free of all this emotional encumbrance.  I think it’s too big for me alone.  Today, I may start to seek some help with it.

N.O. W.A.Y. B.A.C.K.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Here is what set me back so far yesterday.

Wednesday night I put up the blog about how far I’d come in 5 days, so far that the realization that I will  never see him again did not hurt.  I was glad to get to a place where that didn’t hurt me.

I forgot, momentarily, that he reads my blog.  I hate that he reads them, it makes me measure my words.  It is like a censor, I don’t feel like I can write down my real feelings all the time.  Especially now.  I am already too vulnerable to him.  He already had proven he doesn’t deserve to hear my story. I was hoping that since he now had Betty Boop and had thrown me out of his life like yesterday’s  trash that he would stop reading them. (I’ve chosen to just write down what I feel this morning, and let happen whatever will happen from putting it all out on the table.)

But he read it. He sent me an email, since texting is cut off to him, saying something like ” You might get carpal tunnel from patting yourself on the back.”  I deleted it, with no response. I would have liked it if he were happy I had come so far in healing from his unfathomable betrayal.  But no, he was a smart ass.  He didn’t like that I was healing.  He prefers me hurting.

I went to bed around my normal time, 10, and read, and then tried to get to sleep.  I was almost asleep when a friend texted me.  When I opened the phone, it opened to voice mail, I don’t know why, I must have accidentally left it on VM. I saw a blocked voice mail, which could only have been S.  I listened (big mistake) to him say, “I don’t know what to say.  I really miss you.”

This is 5 days after he completely and totally devastated me, decimated our relationship. Chose Betty Boop. 5 days after he texted me at 4 am, and followed up with a text telling me he was spending the weekend with her.  5 days later, he misses me.

All I could think is HOW DARE HE?  HOW DARE HE?

Naturally, I didn’t sleep much.  maybe 3, 3 1/2 hrs.

It infuriated me. He was simply playing with my emotions.  A manipulation to make me think about him.  He didn’t like that I could think about never seeing him again and not hurt over it, so he stuck a knife in the wound again, so that I would hurt again.

Cruel.  Heartless.  Selfish beyond belief.

He didn’t say, “I made a mistake. I’m so sorry I hurt you like that.  I’m not with her.”  He just said he misses me.

Duh. Of course he misses me.  I was the one, the only one, in his entire life to unconditionally love him.  Adore him. Accept him.  Ask nothing of him. I knew he would miss me.  He knew he would miss me.  Who cares?  He did what he did, he can’t undo it.  I told him there is no way back from this, when he did it.  There is not.  There is no way back to where we were.  He created an abyss, and whether or not he is happy with his decision, he made it.  We both have to live with it.

So yesterday my anger was renewed.  My healing had to start all over again.  The gaping bleeding wound in my heart, that actually physically hurts, had to begin all over again.  What kind of monster does this to someone?  Does he think so little of himself, that he doesn’t believe he can have any effect on people?  No.  He knows, if he knows anything, that I loved him more than ever at the moment he broke me. He knows what he’s doing.

My posts yesterday were meant to tell him to leave me alone.  I knew that the pain was going to follow the anger, it always does.  I hoped it would be during the gong bath, but it was really this morning.  Apparently I wasn’t ready last night, to accept and deal with the pain.This morning, I remembered how much I wanted to be with him, Friday night. How I sent him a text, telling him I would drive down to his house Friday night, I missed him, wanted to be with him so much. Maybe he was talking to her then.  I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

I have wondered, since he texted me when she left Sunday, and now with the voice mail, if maybe the reunion didn’t go quite the way he dreamed it would.  That maybe once you have had someone really love you, whatever she offered wasn’t enough.  I will never know, I don’t want to know.

I know, that I can never ever expose my heart to him again.  There is no trust, there is only hurt when I think of him.  There is only the knowledge that he can throw me away at a moments notice, first he prison whore, then the bimbo.  There is only the knowledge that he chose the woman who devastated him, over me, the woman who loved him without limit.  And that he was able to make that choice with as much cruelty as possible.  That he could crush me, without a tender word, without acknowledgment of anything decent.  Just telling me what he wanted.

So, does it hurt me to think I will never see him again?  No. It is actually a relief.  A relief to know that he won’t have the opportunity to ever again crush my heart.  His voice set me back to the beginning, made me re-ask all the questions I had realized were not answerable, and that I didn’t even want answers to.  I had to go back and now work myself back to the place where I know that nothing he can say can fix what he did.

If he decided he made a mistake choosing her, so what?  So if it wasn’t the dream reunion, and she couldn’t and didn’t want to fix him, or be accountable for what she’d done to him, so what? And I don’t even know her side of the story, but I know if he did something to her, for which she was getting revenge when she took off on him when he was sick, to actually marry someone she’d cheated on him with, after taking him for all she could, I know that he cannot be accountable for his part. He never can.  And who cares what happened if anything with the reunion?   Because in the mean time, he killed us.  He broke me and he broke us in such a way that I know I am better off without him, and the pieces of our relationship cannot be put back together.  There is nothing there.  He pulverized it, with his cruelty.  I’ve said right along he’d have been happy to have kept us both.  Maybe that’s all his message was. An attempt to keep me on the side while he spends his weekends with her.

Do I still love him?  Yes, I will always love him.  That’s unconditional love.  Do I forgive him?  I was getting there, but now, with his “I really miss you” message, I have to start that journey all over again.  But I’ll get there.  Because that’s what I do.  Hate and anger and pain will kill you.  It is taking poison and thinking someone else will die.

Not right now, though, not yet.  Not since he had to re-open the gaping wound that hadn’t even stopped bleeding yet.

The gong bath helped.  What happened during it was not what I expected, but it never really is. I was in a deep, and very tired meditation.  There was a good chance I’d fall asleep, but that didn’t happen.  My friend led us into the meditation, with the guided imagery of a white light surrounding us.  That light stayed with me, and soothed me.  It told me, literally, that I was beautiful, that I was love, that I was loved, that I was worthy of love.  I visualized S on a cloud with me, and I said everything I needed to say, without anger.  I gently pushed him off my cloud, and thought, hoped, expected I would watch him drift away, out of sight.  Last night he would not drift away.  He just floated around me.  Hard as I tried to energetically push him out of sight, I could not.

Not quite far enough in my healing.  The white light comforted me though.

On the way home, I said out loud, “S, I need you to leave me alone.  I need this to heal.  Please please leave me alone.”  Because his energy around me was palpable.  And I swear, I swear, I heard his voice say, “I can’t leave you Deb.  I can’t”

Could have been my imagination.

When I went to bed last night, I decided to sent him a text saying “You have a tremendous amount of nerve to leave me that voice mail 5 days after you decimated me and our relationship.  I’d appreciate it if you would not attempt any further contact with me. You’ve got your bimbo. You don’t need me.  And I don’t want you,you made sure of that.”

I know that it might not have been the right thing to do. I know that no contact is probably a healthier choice, to just let it all go.  But I just want there to be no mistake in his head.  I want to make sure he understands that I don’t want to hear from him, that there is  n.o.  w.a.y.  b.a.c.k. from what he did.  And I don’t want to have to start this process over every fucking day.

This morning, there is pain again.  I knew it would come, I also know when I have sat with it, and honored it, it will go.  I hope it goes soon.

At least he was silent last night.  For that I am grateful.

As Liz Gilbert always says, “Onward.”

More Work

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
All these posts, about healing, letting go, working through the trauma. I’ve said it all so many times. I’m sure S reads  it and thinks yeah she’ll be contacting me soon. 

All my friends say “yeah we’ve heard that before.”  Even my son. 

And I recognize that always after a few days I begin missing him. 

So yeah, the posts are me, trying to convince myself. But this time, there is no going back. There is no “I miss you” message to send. 

The man I loved didn’t exist. He was a construct of my imagination and desire.  Even though I could, and still can, see his soul, the person he covers it with,and uses to deny his true self even to himself, is completely opposite of what I believed he could be, and thought was. I have to remind myself constantly of who he chooses to be, regardless of my belief that he was capable of so much more. 

Some people want to rise to others expectations. Others want to lower yours so they can remain in the place they are comfortable, regardless of its darkness, it chill, starkness, devoid of human compassion. 

There’s a poster on FB, I see all the time that says “be the person your dog thinks you are. “.  Some people try to live up to that expectation. Some people abuse the dog so they can make the dog change its mind.  

S is the second. He tried to change me to become like him. Sex without love. Secrets held dearer than life. Walls, not bridges. 

I am so glad that I refused to change who I was. And in fact, left him many times for just that reason. 

So.. I’ll get through it this time. I won’t become a shell of the person I am for anyone.  He is not insisting this time. He is not sucking me back in for another go round at it. He has Betty Boop and she’s already there with him 

All I would be is an ego boost for him.  He would have kept “sexting” me if I allowed it. He’d even arrange a tryst occasionally if I allowed it.  Of course she’d never know, until he wanted to crush her at some point. 

I’ve been there with him before. He’s good at crushing.  Not so good at nurturing. 

No not going back. Just working through it.  Helps me see through the thinning fog. 

Like the Phoenix…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day 4.  I am better this morning than I was yesterday morning.  Not as good as last night.  I have let him go, let any desire for him blow away with the emotional cyclone he put me through.  I never want to see his face again, I have deleted every picture so I won’t accidentally come across his face, and have to remember how I loved this asshole.

It’s the treachery, the deception, the idea that he thought it was perfectly ok to lead me on all week, to blow my world apart.  That he couldn’t man up, and tell the truth to me, and let me go when I was asking to go.  Such a narcissist, one of the worst I have ever known.  Worse than my ex-husband, and I thought he was the worst ever.  My ex’s lies were just random, about what he was doing, often stories he made up and believed, that were so obviously lies it was almost humorous.  (Though laughing at him brought on his scary scary temper.)  He never set me up emotionally just to punch me in the stomach, just to knock me down and stomp on me.  He was a sick f**k, but S is so much sicker.

Yes S, it turns out you were much like him, as you said.  You were him, taken to a new level that was past my ability to think was possible.

I have known many people abused as children, though his story was one of the worst.  But he’s smart, he could have crawled out of it.  He used to say he didn’t have a filter.

No, S, it’s not a fucking filter.  It’s a conscience.  You said you were developing one?  That’s a laugh.  Really…you are so full of shit. You like chaos, you like hurting people because you NEVER dealt with your own hurt in a productive way.  So you project it, and you act out on as many people as possible, in as intense a way as you can.  And some unsuspecting person like myself, that just saw the possibilities of you instead of the reality,comes along, you must have been fucking drooling to set me up and watch me fall.

Like you said, it’s your karma.  If you had a belief in anything, that would be ok, but you don’t.  You’re a cold, dead heartless man.  I am so glad to be rid of you.  And not to have lost any more than i did.  You ought to go crawl in a hole and stay there, until sensory deprivation makes you forget everything you know, and you have to be reborn.  Go to the monastery, like you talked about.  And stay there.  Then you can’t continue to hurt people for your own gain. (Yes he used to talk about doing that for 6 months.  I used to laugh, I am thinking the monks would exorcise him before they’d let him in.)

I have my book club tonight, I’m grateful for that.  To be with friends who live on the other side with me will be just what I need.  A has still been beside me through all of this. He texts me all morning, during the day, in the evening.  He still tells me he loves me, and we know it’s just an unconditional love he has, that we will always be good friends. He sends me music, pictures of the southwest. Just being sweet, kind, loving, talking me down if I need it (tho I think I was done with that after the first 48 hours), showing me reality in a kind, but firm way.  He has always turned out to be the blessing in my life.  He is diametrically opposed to S, and I am sure that he was put in my life to make me see the difference between a creep and an angel.  I wish it had been S I cut off for A, a couple months ago.  Not the other way around.

My friend Megan from here has been so helpful to me too.  She and I have so many of the same issues, and we have had a running conversation with each other comparing notes, and trying to understand this sick narcissism.  So the blessings that have come from his treachery far outweigh the pain, and the pain was unbearable.  But the duality is, there is equal joy that grows out of the ashes.  Like the Phoenix, I will rise. I will be better, happier, and more loving.  No stupid man who thinks the darkness is where it’s at, is ever going to have too much effect on me.

PRACTICE RESURECTION

Posted on by learning to live like water

PR_Title Image_700x170pI was ready, on my way home from work, to write a scathing blog about S, and Betty Boop.  Another one.  Because it still smarts to be so blindsided, so used, so monstrously treated.  Such treachery, as my friend A said.  I wanted him to pay, I wanted to figure out her last name and send her an anonymous mail.  I wanted to send one to his daughter too, who hates Betty Boop.  I conjured up all kinds of revenge.

But then I got home.  I was having a convo with A, about music, about poetry, and he did not know Wendell Berry’s Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front.  My beautiful niece who died in a car accident 11 years ago, used this poem as the basis of her valedictory address when she graduated from high school, first in her class.  In looking it up, I re-read it.

You know, the universe will lead you in the right direction if you will listen.  Reading this, lead me away from the revenge thing, to the making this world a better place thing.  Let the ugly things lay in the ground, and rot, as they are supposed to, to transform into something valuable. If you’ve never seen the poem, it’s below.  The last line has been one of my mantras for years, and is the title of this post.  Much more positive than  “Let’s Get S and Betty Boop”  And as far from them as I can possibly go energetically. Which is what I need to do.  Just let go of it altogether. they’ve stolen enough of my energy.  And seriously, what I need to be doing.  Resurrecting.

Manifesto:
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

PHEW!!!

Posted on by learning to live like water

As the morning wears on, I am asking myself why I am even grieving the loss of this relationship?  I mean, seriously?  This man in unscrupulous, he told me he was bad, but by all that is holy, I never believed anyone could do this to anyone else.  It’s monstrous.  What is there to grieve?  Betty Boop did me a HUGE favor, showing up on the scene, needing to use him for something else.  HUGE.

Thank you Betty Boop.

For two days of pain, I will save a lifetime of any more pain from this man.  There will be no more chances to “take another little piece of my heart, now baby.”  Imagine if this had gone on, if she had wanted to stay married to her “revenge” husband, and he had visited me in Florida?  What terror might he have visited on me then?  And between now and then?

Why would any sane person want anything to do with this guy?  You’d have to be as sociopathic as him, and I have no doubt she is, with her history.  She played him one up, she used him better than he used her.  Two complete losers in my book.

God, I got off easy.  With only a little loss of my dignity, and self esteem.  Thank God, he wanted to be on his own this summer, and didn’t use the summer to suck me in deeper.  Thank God.  Everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?

I am disgusted with myself (but I’ll get over it) for ever giving him the time of day, for ever lavishing the love on him that I did.  For ever thinking he was capable of being a decent human being.  But you know…all I did was love him.  I did nothing evil, or mean, or hurtful to him.

Although, I’m sure when he reads this, he will say I’m crucifying him.  Because he only sees what he feels, he is incapable of seeing what another feels, or of seeing and being accountable for the damage he does to innocent people.

Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll get angry enough at me to stop reading my blog.  I wish he would.  Go on about his business with Betty Boop, I’m sure there is an urgent need for him there.  A new car, a divorce that needs paying for.  Of course, first she’ll have to schmooze him, but I give her credit, on being able to do what she did on his birthday in January of last year when he was diagnosed with cancer, after she got a new kitchen out of him.  Well played Betty Boop.  I’m sure he deserved it.  And he’s right back in for more.  You sure are good at it, girl.

When clarity comes, it comes like a hurricane force wind.   So happy to be free.

PHEW!!!!

Tough Day Ahead

Posted on by learning to live like water

tough dayAs I expected, I heard from S last night, I would guess it wasn’t long after Betty Boop was gone home.  Nothing was accomplished, I had told him he was unblocked in case he had anything to say to me.  Apparently he did not, last night, though he says he has plenty to say, but chose not to say it.  Of course, I was in bed, I was exhausted having slept very little the night before.  I had no expectations from him.  I just left the lines of communication open.

Why?  I don’t really know.  In hindsight, I don’t know that it was even a healthy thing to do.  He burned the bridge, when he played me.  I don’t know that hearing from him will dull the burn still blistering on my skin.  I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after about 5 hours of sleep.  Nauseous and crying, and wondering how he could do that to me, again.  Then I thought of A’s calm steady love of me, and how he gently, and carefully, and sweetly talked me down yesterday.  How he offered me the unconditional love that S spurned.  It was calming, to know that A will always be there for me.  Even as just a friend, he is a male friend who loves me, and understands how I love people.  I am so grateful that he is still in my life.

Maybe if I talk to S, I will get a clearer picture of who he is, and how he could do what he did to me, making it easier to let him go.  But maybe not.  I have a feeling he still wants me in the periphery of his life, to be able to text and talk to me, and to spend his time with Betty Boop.  That’s not going to happen.  No matter what, I cannot go back to where I was.  He made his choice, spraying out as much pain as possible in his wake. I don’t want to be with a man who can do that.

I bought Brene Brown’s new book “Rising Strong” last night, after watching her on SuperSoulSunday,  I think it is exactly what I need to hear to heal from this devastation, to find my way back to wanting to live.  She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, creativity,…but if you’re going to be vulnerable, you are going to fall down.”  This book is about getting back up….and exactly what I need right now, help in getting back up.

This day is going to be tough.  I have to work til 7 tonight and I was awake at 4 am, and am still so stressed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.  It will be good though, to get back to a regular schedule, and not to be alone all day.  I know the people who love me will check in with me.  I’ll make it through the day, and hopefully be a little better tonight than I am this morning.

Love and light everyone.

Cold Blue Eyes (Ice)

Posted on by learning to live like water

Those eyes,

Those cold blue eyes.

I wanted to swim in them,

I loved when they gazed upon me,

The corners turned up with a small grin.

Little did I know

That they were a reflection of a heart

As cold as an Arctic iceberg.

They were the tip of it,

Fooling me,

Teasing me

(we only tease the people we like….)

I thought they were a piece of the ocean

that I loved so much.

That I’d found a place

A person

whose eyes reflected my own passion.

Unbeknownst to me

Danger lay below them,

Life threatening,

Heart wrenching

Mind numbing danger.

I sailed right into them,

In fact,

I dove.

Head first

To find that they were cold blue ice,

masking a monumental block of

frigid ice.

That thaws only when it’s hurt.

And I could not hurt it.

And so…

I froze to death,

in it’s shadow.

Well-Played. Another Story of Betrayal, but This One is True

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last weekend, the day of the eclipse, I hadn’t talked to S in 2 or 3 days, and was fine with it.  But I thought it was a really sucky way to end a relationship, so I texted him “Are you really never going to talk to me again?”

We texted.  That’s all we ever did.  A torrid texting affair. Why did I care?  Idk, I always saw the good in him, the desire to be good, the desire not to fuck things up.  I once gave him an inner child crystal, because his inner child was so tortured. That day, his whole tone changed with me, as if heard me (thus, the poem “The Gift of Being Heard.)  Well I might have been heard, but I was still fucked over.

All week, we texted intimately.  I LONGED for him, I wanted him so bad.  He talked of doing intimate things with me, alluding to the weekend.  I held back asking for plans, it’s always been the kiss of death for me with him.  He likes to feel he’s driving the train, and that things are spontaneous.  Just yesterday, I sent him intimate pictures of me, because he asked.  But he was quiet last night.  Before I went to bed I asked him “S, is something wrong?  Please talk to me.”  He answered that he fell asleep on the couch…we texted a few times, and said goodnight.  I thought everything was ok.   Just this morning, he texted me at 4 am.

Then, no word.  I sent him one text, but held back….fearful of ruining it.  But then I got this text….

“I don’t know how to deal with this…so I am just going to say it.  I am going to be with someone else this weekend.  I am busy and don’t want to talk about it.  Peace.”

A TEXT.  A FUCKING TEXT.

Well, you all know the wave of emotions that hit you like a tsunami.  Like you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t talk.  My son was in the room with me, and I’d been waiting for my phone to update to go somewhere.  This text was the first thing I saw when it was done.  I managed to say to my son, “Well the phone’s done.  I’m gonna go.”  He was leaving for work soon, won’t be home til later, and will never know what S did to me today.  Bad enough, I told my son last night I’d be going to S”s or he’d probably be coming here tonight. My son scolded me for being stupid, told me that S has made me cry more than his father.  Why am I being so stupid about him?  But all I have to say is that we decided not to, and let it fade.  I haven’t seen much of S for months, my son won’t think much of it, except he’ll be glad he doesn’t have to deal with him.  I am ashamed and embarrassed at how I made excuses for S with my son.  Geezus.  The kid at 23 is 100 times the man S will ever be. He’s a stand-up honest and decent young man.  I thought if nothing else S was honest with me.  I have said so here….that he was an honest and decent man…  If only I could re-write history.

So played.

The thing is, I had hope all week.  I really did.  But I knew…he’s capable of withdrawing on a dime.  I asked him many times in the last few weeks, are you seeing Betty Boop?  Does she want to get back together with you?  He said always that he only talked to her a little, and he didn’t know.  Always.

He played me. Big time.  I loved him so much and he used it, to make himself feel good.  He loved my adoration, the way I was always there. We finally talked around noon, because I told him if he didn’t man up and call me that I was gonna show up on his doorstep, and tell Betty Boop about me.   He said he’d been weighing one of us against the other all week.

And that’s where I got mad.  FURIOUS.  What right does he have, to put me in competition with another woman and not tell me????  Or her??? Who the fuck does he think he is???  Fucking playing God with me. As if I’d have stuck around if I thought they were doing anything more than talking.  What a fucktard.  I am still so angry at that.  Had he chose me, would he ever have told me that I almost lost to her?  Would I ever have known the truth?  He must have seen her, I haven’t asked, I don’t want to know.  (hear Stevie Nicks in the background singing Silver Spring “I don’t want to know….”)

I told him he should have told me.  And her, and let us both make up our minds if we wanted to be in that triangle.  Because I for sure didn’t.  Don’t. Won’t EVER with any man, compete for his attention.  I loved him well, unconditionally, and he repaid me this way?  Thinking that was ok?

He said, she knows about you now.  I said, “Does she know that you asked for a picture of me last night???  That you texted me at 4 AM this morning???”  No…he said.  THEN TELL HER.  LET HER MAKE UP HER MIND.  YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY GOD WITH HER ANYMORE THAN YOU DID WITH ME.

He has called me about 5 times since then.  Because I told him, if I ever have the opportunity to tell her, I will.  (Though I don’t know her last name, so I can’t even look her address up.)  He asked why I can’t just let things unfold.  I said, this is how they unfold when you fuck someone over.  When you play people, when you hurt people, when you use people.  This is how they unfold.

But the universe will make sure she knows.  Besides, I am pretty sure that a woman who left him when he thought he was dying, (he had cancer, and only an experimental drug saved his life, and a philanthropic organization that paid for it but the drug came along after she split, she thought he was dying)  and took him for as much as she possibly could, to run off and get married to someone she’d been cheating on him with, is playing him too.  They deserve each other, and what they get. I told him, that’s all he thinks he deserves, that’s all he’s gonna get.

I am wordy, I have been sending him long texts telling him what a fuckup he is, and why.  And he knows I’m right.  But he’s stuck on this woman that will hurt him again, whatever.  He said, “this is the #1 reason I don’t want you.”  the wordy texts, the righteous indignation.  I said, “OH it’s so much harder to take my righteous indignation than a woman who will leave you when you’re dying, and who’ll take you for all she can, and run off and get married to someone she cheated on you with.”  Yeah, I can see how my truthful words are harder to take.

God he’s a real piece of work.  I sure know how to pick ’em.

I will always love this man’s soul, because that’s what unconditional love is, but I never want to see him again.  I know, I am sure, (he says I’m overconfident), because I know him, I see him, he has told me everything, things that she doesn’t know and I’m sure never will…and I was still there for him, because I could see his soul, that I loved him better than any other person in his life.  I still see his soul, and will always know he is capable of so much more.  But the human that he is…needs to stay clear of me.  Enough heartbreak for one man to accomplish.

I’m gonna get back on that horse and ride.  I haven’t cried yet, I hope I don’t.  I have wasted way too many tears on him, he has broken my heart more often than my ex did.  My ex…didn’t break my heart in the traditional sense.  He became someone I could not love, romantically.  S….has broken my heart, I loved him 1000 times more than any other man.  But I don’t want to cry for him again.  I want to actively pursue someone who can appreciate a woman who can love beyond reason, beyond all measure, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I told him, finally, that he will miss me.  And he will.

The End Is In Sight This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m up early this morning.  I have been out on the deck since the very first rays of sunlight edged the eastern horizon.  It’s still, the birds are not even singing yet.  And it’s cool, I’m wrapped in a blanket.  It promises to be a beautiful day.

I’d thought I was going to the beach today, but that didn’t work out.  It’s ok, though.  I am going for a walk with a friend this morning, just back from Martha’s Vineyard where she has a summer home.  It will be good to catch up.  My son will be home from his music festival in the early afternoon, and it will be good to see him, have his somewhat chaotic energy back in the house.  And his help in finding and getting rid of the snake!

I am better this morning.  I have a selenite healing wand with a fluorite tip on it.  The two stones are very healing.  I held it to my heart last night.  One of selenite’s metaphysical properties is that it helps to break up patterns, and I felt it was exactly what I needed to get over S.  I need to break up the pattern that my mind and heart go through when I think of him.  I held it there, and repeated “detach” like a mantra.  Focusing on the word, on visually seeing the energetic cords break off and fall away.  I fell asleep with it that way.  I think it helped.  Because this morning when I think of him, I remember all the ways we did not get along, all the reasons I tried to break it off with him all summer, and he kept drawing me back in.

Looking back, I suppose he just didn’t want to be alone.  I don’t think that he thought that, purposefully.  Just, he really has so few people in his life.  His daughter and son, and one good friend that I know of.  He wasn’t in love with me, but he liked the fact that I was.

I am putting that in the past tense.  I think I can just begin to feel the transformation of what I felt for him, becoming something else.  Something less painful, something more like the words of that song “You’re just someone that I used to love.”   No mean intent, just that I can feel the first tendrils of moving my heart away from him, and the pain and chaos loving him has cost me.

I’ve known for months we were not meant to be.  We never saw each other for one, which was his decision. Not mine.  But I stopped fighting it long ago.  I saw him maybe 4 times all summer.  So why is it such a big deal that he is not with me now?  Because he’s with someone else, and it feels like rejection.  Because I am jealous, I would have liked to be someone he wanted to spend more time with, but I never was, so I need to stop making it out to be like he ever wanted to be with me anyway.  He just liked keeping me on the periphery of his life, liked knowing there was someone out there who adored him.

Well, I don’t, adore him at the moment.  I’m not mad, but this morning I am real.  His relationships are all pretty dysfunctional.  He has been healing the one with his daughter, but Betty Boop will probably reverse that in a big hurry.  Too bad.

I have lived such a dysfunctional life with my ex, that I was comfortable with S’s ability to create a dysfunctional relationship with me.  I realized that this summer, there are probably 3 or 4 blogs about how I tried to end it with him, and he talked me out of it.  Most notably, the time in maybe July, where he had just pulled me back in with the possibility of him being very sick, and then disappeared on me for 4 days.  I mean, literally, on the weekend, he called and asked me not to “dump” him, and told me how he is sick and the constant pain of his headaches was making him behave poorly, and so I didn’t, and I think he came up to my house that weekend, maybe.  Then the next weekend his mother died and he disappeared to New Jersey, without a word, and I was calling the hospitals here to see if he’d been admitted, because I was afraid he had an aneurysm.  I was so terrified.  He came home and texted me like it was nothing.

Dysfunction.

I don’t need that.  He once told me that he and his ex gf used to fight passionately, and make up passionately, and that there had been many times when they had separated for months at a time.  This was when we first met, and I thought, I don’t want any fighting passionately.  When a fight begins, I run.  I was the runner.  I have had more than my share of hard fought, blood and guts fights in my life, and I don’t like them.  Back then, he didn’t yet know she had married within months of leaving him.  I think he thought it was just another temporary break up.  One day she messaged him, after I’d been seeing him for a couple of months, said she wanted to see him.  Of course, I was terrified, and he was kinder then, than now.  He told me to not worry, that I was taking him out of the equation, that he was just going to talk to her, and it didn’t mean he was going back to her.  Turns out she wanted to meet with him to tell him face to face she was married.  He disappeared then for 2 days.  Wouldn’t talk to me, or answer my texts, left me hanging out to dry, just kind of like this weekend.  The difference was he gave our relationship no consideration this time, He just said, “she’s back in my life.”  After 18 months.  He let go of me so fast, that it’s taken me days just to get up on my own two feet again.  I was blindsided, not only by Betty Boop’s appearance in his life, and mine by extension, but by how easily and quickly he threw our relationship to the wind.

Well, it’s all moot now.  She’s back, and I am letting go.  I think about all the hurt, all the times he disregarded my feelings because he couldn’t cope with his own.  When I am in a relationship with someone, him included, generally I consider their feelings first.  He and I both were dysfunctional, we could not figure out how to make it work.

It was a bad relationship.  It is good that something happened to make it actually end, to create an ending that there is no bridge from to get back to where we were.  Where we were was not a good place anyway.  I know there are much better places ahead of me, than behind me.

I’m going to have a good day today.  The knot in my stomach has unraveled some.  I made a pot of chili yesterday, but couldn’t eat any of it.  We’ll have it today, with some good bread.  I’ll work at opening the door for something “magnificent” to walk through.  I know the rest of my life will be wonderful, I know what I want, and where I’m going and what I’m going to do when I get there. S is beginning to fade, and I can imagine, for the first time, that a day is coming where I don’t think of him wistfully.  Maybe kind of, he was kind of a cool guy but so messed up.  I’d like to remember him fondly, but not painfully.  Someday.

Not there yet, but like I say, I know where I’m going and what I want, and that’s what I want.  Just to let go of it all, say I loved him once, we had some fun, but we had more pain, and we let it go.

The end.