Tag Archives: happiness

Gratitude and Connection

Posted on by learning to live like water

Morning of a new day.  Today I will try to get farther along my path of healing.  Today I will focus on the gifts that I have in the present moment.  Gratitude.

Gratitude, true gratitude, is really how I was able to make the turn from devastated to healing.  I changed my point of view from what I didn’t have, to what I do.  From what didn’t work out, to what did.  I let go of the things that caused me pain, and chose to remember those things that brought me joy.

I had questions, unanswered.  I stopped asking them.  To what purpose would I get the answers?  There would be no joy in the answers, only confirmation of things I “know” without asking.  I let the questions go.

I am grateful, there is always a lesson.  There is always something we can learn from a difficult, even devastating, lesson.  We can always become better people.  We can raise our vibration a bit, we can see more of the big picture than we saw before.  We can ask for help, and find out it’s available.

Our humanness may still grieve, but our spirits will lead us out of it if we can listen to it.  Joy is in living, not in regretting, not in pain.  We have to open the door that was set ajar by the pain, and walk through.  Trust…vulnerability….love and belonging….creativity…inspiration.  Open to something new, that will fill our soul more than what we left behind.

Appreciate, and love those we leave behind.  Love is easier than hate, at least for me.  As I look back on my life, I don’t want to have spent much time hating anyone.  Momentary, perhaps, to get through the first initial shock of pain and betrayal, but it very quickly dissipates.  How could I hate someone I loved so much, moments before?  Can’t, in reality.  In the end, love is all there is.

I don’t hate my ex, I don’t hate S.  I love them both, I hope both find happiness and joy.  My ex…shows no sign of having learned any lesson.  S…idk.  I think he feels safe, right now, comfortable in what he knows. I don’t think it’s joy.  He can’t believe in love, and while I find it sad, it’s not something I can change, it’s not my journey.  I think that unconditional love is something you have to experience over time, you have to see that someone loves you no matter what you have done or do, over time, to believe it.  The kind of love I was blessed to be born into.  No matter how angry my parents would get at me for stupid stuff I did or said, they always loved me. That was the baseline.  It was never crossed. So, just because I can’t invite the chaos that S caused my heart back into my life, I will always love him, and if he needs me, I will be there.  As I am for my ex.  The difference between them, is my ex doesn’t accept that, he believes I want to hurt him.  S, I think, knows I will be there.

A seems to have found joy in his new home, and he has a girlfriend there, and I am so happy for him.  We still talk every day, every night he tells me “Good morning sweetie.”, every morning, a good morning.  Often a nice conversation during the day. There are times when he tells me he wishes he could just lay down next to me and hold me.  I feel the same about him at times.  But we are both moving forward in our lives, knowing that our friendship is not definable, and that we will always be special to each other.  We didn’t have a soul connection, but we have a very close connection anyway.  Our purpose in each other’s lives has been to help each other heal, I am sure.  So maybe it is a soul connection.  Who knows?

Jim, I can’t speak about yet.  I don’t know him well enough.  I think he would like to go deeper than he is, he sent me a good morning text as I write.  Sweet, it was nice.

I am blessed by the people in my life, the ones who have been and have moved on, and the ones who have stayed.  I’m grateful for them all.

Its Been Awhile…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

My date went VERY well!!!  We continued to hit it off.  He seems to be genuine, not afraid to put himself out there and be known.  He likes to talk, and likes that I am not afraid to either.  He said he is shy, I laughed.  Because he’s been anything but shy with me.  He’s very appropriate, and he’s funny.  He made me laugh, and that’s so important to me.  We both kept things light most of the time, but did discuss our situations, our marriages.  I didn’t talk much about my relationship with S, except to say I had one.  He didn’t ask.  Which was good, I think, that I didn’t have to get into it.

Before I left for the date though, I did send S a text.  I just didn’t want his unanswered voice mail hanging over me.  I said I think it’s best that we don’t speak to each other yet, I’m not ready.  I am still very hurt by the cruelty with which he broke my heart.  I also told him that I didn’t know what happened to him, that he’s become someone I don’t really know.  He can leave me a voice mail or an email, because both of those give me the option to wait to listen or read them until I feel strong enough.  I hope he understood.  I am protecting myself.

I’m glad I sent it, it cleared my head to meet this new guy, Jim. I just didn’t want any unfinished business taking up space in my head. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with Jim for 2 hours.  He kissed me good bye, twice, we made plans to see each other this week.  And he called me on his way home, and told me he loved my laugh, and he missed me already.  🙂

So it’s way early, but looking good so far.  🙂

A had asked me to let him know how it went, I told him that Jim is a lot like him.  Open heart, willing to take a risk not knowing the outcome.  He’s also a lot like me.  We share common values.

I guess only time will tell if today was the day, lol.  But I’m feeling good so far, haven’t really been down all day.  I remember when I felt happy almost all the time.  It’s been awhile.  It’s good to be back here.

Wednesday Night Ruminations.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I left work about 6 tonight, 9 hour day.  Stopped at the store on the way home, because my house is so barren after being gone 4 days.  I was eating dinner about 7:45 and the guy I talked to that wants to meet called me.  We talked for a half hour, and it was fun!  We laughed, we related.  We like a lot of the same things.  Including beaches, the ocean.  He told me about a place he likes to eat in a fishing village in Rhode Island.  When we hung up, and I said, I’m looking forward to it (meeting him), he said, “Me too!  We have so much in common.”

So, so far it appears hopeful.  You never can tell til you meet someone, if there’s any chemistry.  I hope there is.

I was a bit angry with S, for not leaving me alone, and trying to manipulate my emotions again.  Creating chaos which in my head, which is his specialty.  (Along with my ex)  But I got over it, by thinking about A, and how he treats me from 2000 miles away, he can make me feel loved and cared for.  He is such a blessing to me, I was wishing that he was here last night.  I think about how I gave up his sweet love for S, God how stupid I was.  But I was lucky, A still tells me he loves me.

S….is full of his old BS.  Maybe I have been a challenge to him, IDK.  But I hope he will crawl back into the woodwork with his bitchy, silent, thoughtless, selfish girlfriend and leave me alone. She’s perfect for him.

Being with my family reminded me how it feels to be loved unconditionally, without games and manipulation, and being used, taking without giving.  And A….who reminds me that I am valuable, to him.  He makes me feel good about myself.  The man I’m going to meet seems to be like A, positive, happy with himself, loves his family the way I love mine. So we at least have the basis of the same values.

I think that because I came from such a dysfunctional marriage, I thought I needed to be with someone who had experienced dysfunction in their life, or they wouldn’t understand me.  I thought I wasn’t healthy enough for a healthy person.  As it turned out, I am, healthy enough for a healthy person.  My basis, my values, instilled in me as a child, are still there, and still what I crave.  I still like people who are outside the box, but not dysfunctional. No loners please.  No one so selfish that they would do what was done to me, and then not leave me alone.

I guess that was the lesson, and lessons never come easily.  Pain is necessary to grow, and the lesson here is that I am not dysfunctional.  And that it doesn’t take someone who has lived with dysfunction to understand me.  In fact, someone who has lived with it his whole life is less likely to understand me, or anyone.

I know I maybe sound angry and bitter.  Well, yeah, to be dumped as I was, to realize that he’s been seeing her since she first called him, and not telling me, to be playing me now….that does still make me angry.  But I don’t care that he’s with her, I see that they are two loner peas in a pod.  Perfect for each other.  A lifestyle that is the last thing I would want.  The very last choice I would make.  Games.  I wish I could find out who gets to screw the other one first.  I could take bets, maybe make some money, lol.

But mostly, I just don’t give a damn what goes on down there.  There are still moments when I wonder why I got treated so poorly, and then I remember that he does the best he can, with his level of consciousness at the time.  I don’t expect he will change.  And I don’t care if he does.

My life is moving on, happily.

Blessed, Just Blessed

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s the day after, lol.  I am exhausted, but happy.  Sitting in my sisters gorgeous home on the side of mountain, it looks like a castle, and feels like one.  I feel like a princess at the moment.

The wedding was the happiest most wonderful experience I have had in so long.  Years, maybe.  My whole family, except my son and my mother, are here.  My sisters, nieces and nephews, and old family, my ex brother-in-law and his awesome new wife, his sister and her husband, my current brother-in-laws family, his daughter and son. Friends of my niece that I haven’t seen in 30 years or so.

We were cracking up, saying it’s just a lovefest when we are all together.  So much laughter, hugging, catching up, and in this gorgeous setting.  The wedding was at the log cabin I put up a pic of in my last blog, it’s another of my sister’s beautiful homes.

The vows took place at 5 pm under an arbor built on the dock in the lake.  There was a bar set up on an overturned john boat down near the lake, with wine, beer and hot apple cider.  Up near the house was a huge tent, heated, with a dance floor, dj and tables for 160 people.  There was another bar near the house, and appetizers everywhere that my sis had planned and we had all pitched in to put together.  The dinner was a buffet BBQ.  Perfect.

The weekend was so what I needed. To be surrounded by people whose values, and life experiences are shared, and are the basis for all our interactions.  We have all had our setbacks, we have all dealt with adversity, tragedy, but our love for each other overrides all else.  I had forgotten how my little sis can make me laugh.  She’s the one person that with me, can get hysterical and we can’t stop laughing.  It was joyous.

My older sis just did so much work for this day.  She had everything laid out perfectly.  She had a minute by minute itinerary, so that nothing would be forgotten.  (Although, my little sis and I are so much more laid back, we were laughing saying to each other “our sister had some control issues.”  because when she tasked us with getting the cheese trays for 160 people ready, she wanted to tell us exactly how to cut the cheese into cubes, lol )  But she is beautiful, smart, funny, and only she in our family could have pulled this off.  Not to mention between the two houses, there were bedrooms enough for all the immediate family.

At one point after dinner, in the tent, I was watching the dancing and “We are family” came on.  I got up and ran to my two sisters, and we danced together, to “We are family, I got all my sisters and me.”  We included in our dance circle, where we had our arms entwined, everyone who cared to join us and brought in everyone we could find.  We all felt like family. I am so blessed.  Just so blessed.

I got a few nice texts from A, hoping I was having a good time, and making me laugh.  I got a nice voice mail from a man I spoke to last week, also wishing me a wonderful weekend, and saying he hoped to meet me when I got back.  And a text from yet a man who has asked me to call him when I get back.  I have let go of the past, I am so looking forward to the future, and letting the old stuff just rest in the realm of life experiences.  I am good with it all.

I think I’m being redundant, here, lol.  I think I said that last blog, but it is so true.  At the end of the day, we only gain from each life experience.

And so, onward.  Life is indeed wonderful.

The Keeper of the Secrets

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a text conversation with S yesterday.  It was not with the intention of getting back together, it was with the intention of not leaving things so ugly.

S is S.  I fell in love with the man I saw last winter, a year ago.  The man who would have me over, we’d talk, eat, listen to music, dance in his living room, watch tv, make love, sleep, spend Sundays as he showed me all the secret beautiful places he knew, while he told me stories. There was always laughter, there was never an argument.

In the spring, he began to withdraw, to want time to himself.  I don’t know if he was afraid he was falling in love, he told me in late winter he was open to whatever developed between us and those two glorious weeks that he gave me will always be some of my best memories.

Then his best friend became really ill, (he was older than S by quite a bit) and died.  With his death it seemed, went S’s joy.  Maybe it was coincidental, that he began to pull away at that exact time.  I just know that’s when it began.  I remember going to his house, and finding him sitting on the couch, bereft.  I just sat with him.  I didn’t know his friend (or anyone else in his life) but I knew there were not too many people he felt close to, and this man had been his friend for 40 years or so.

I would say that’s when the walls went back up.  When he decided that loving someone hurt too  much, and chose to withdraw.

In the conversation with him yesterday, I realized that’s the attraction to her.  She demands nothing of him.  He demands nothing of her.  They don’t talk, there is no deep, loving conversation between them.   I think he can fully justify his real lack of care for her because of what she did. I think their relationship has always been like this, and he says it has, then they have been doing to each other, and paying each other back, for the entire time.  He doesn’t tell her his secrets,and I’m sure she doesn’t either.  I’m not sure what’s between them, at all.  It seemed to me that to be with her, he has to deny who he is.  And I guess he does this in exchange for a silent, literally, partner.

The man I loved would never ever be untrue to who he was.  But I found out yesterday all the secrets he hides from her, including wanting to have sex with me during the week when they are not communicating, including very heavy sexting with me (which I no longer respond to).  She doesn’t play with him during the week as we did. I asked him what the attraction is, because she seems kind of uptight for him.  He said, she doesn’t talk much.

I was not hurt in this conversation.  I realize that the longer it went on, the easier it was to let go.  I don’t even know this man.  I don’t get exchanging a closed mouth for a relationship that leaves you needing to go outside of it to be satisfied.  But I suppose in the same way, he can’t understand wanting a rich close intimate in every way relationship, though we had that for awhile.  I thought he was happy with it.  Until he lost his best friend, and I think decided love hurts too much.

I wouldn’t have hurt him. Ever.  I still love the man I loved.  This new man, I don’t know, and don’t particularly like, though I still see the one I love, buried in there and will never just walk away.  I’ll always be around to talk to him.

I feel like the keeper of his secrets.  I don’t know if I even know them all, but he told me many, quantified that he’d never told anyone else.  I had no judgement of him because of them, they just helped me know him.  I always thought they were the incidents that made him into the man I loved.  He was the sum total of his experiences, and I loved who he was, then.  I remember sitting in his living room, him telling me how bad he was, how could I say I loved him.  I said, “It was all a long time ago.  It made you who you are.  And I see you, I see you completely and I love that person.”

This new guy, who is detached, and self serving, and would get involved with this woman who has no scruples, but doesn’t talk to him, leaving him free to be with whoever he wants during the week…I don’t know him.  He’s not someone I would fall for.  But the one who sat on my deck and we talked about our lives and lessons and philosophy and flirted and bantered back and forth, for hours, I love him, I will always love him.

So when I miss him, I miss the guy I loved.  There’s nothing there for me to miss now, so I can let go.  I have let go.  I will be friends with him, I think he, more than anyone I’ve ever known, needs to have someone consistently love him, but love is a many faceted jewel.  I won’t love him the way I did, but I’ll always love him without judgement, without limit.

I’m going to my niece’s wedding today, and I feel free of that huge burden of rejection, hurt, pain.  I’m not jealous of Betty Boop.  I would NEVER want a relationship like they have. I don’t want the man she has.  My heart is free, two weeks later, to find love again.  I’m happy that I feel this way, especially going to see my family.  I will be able to fully enjoy them, there will be no dark cloud over my head.  I am open, and that’s a huge part of attracting what you want, being open to letting it in.

I’ll be his keeper of secrets.  I’m good with that. I’m still honored to be trusted in that way, and won’t break that trust. (My ability to trust him is another story altogether.)  I’ll always feel tender toward him, because I see him. I’ve always seen him.  That’s probably why he could tell me what he has.  Because, I see him, and love that being in his center, just because he exists.  Even though he’s locked up right now.

Who Will Walk Through The Fire With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friends house for dinner and a bottle of wine.  We were gonna go out but changed our minds.  It was really nice to just sit with two people who love each other, and love me, as a close close friend.  My friend and I went off to gab girl talk.  She’s a psychiatric nurse,and had some insight on my week’s struggles.  We are close, been friends for years.  Our kids met in the 5th grade, about 15 years ago, we have been friends since.  She’s one of the members of my book club.

We somehow got onto sexuality, probably in discussing my recently ended relationship.  I told her I dived into sex too early, with S, and it was nice to have someone I could consider a partner in it.  So, it was part of the attachment problem for me, because they go hand in hand for me, sex and attachment.  I guess S enjoyed it…he told me a few times it was the best he ever had.   And trust me, he had had many sexual partners. He did tell me I was overconfident, lol, but was laughing when he said it.  So…my friend wanted to know what I did to make it the best, lol.  I said, I loved him.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she loves her husband very much and they are best friends.  She would just like  him  to feel that way, like it was the best.  I was able to talk to her, about being with S, without pain.

So I am good tonight.  I know I won’t get blindsided by my past tonight.  I can’t imagine it would be important enough for S to make a trip up here, to convince me he didn’t do anything wrong, so I am pretty sure I’m in the clear. It’s nice to feel good, in control of my life, and not scattered, not 1000 threads of my life scattered in different directions, trying to grasp something to hold onto.

I’ve been reading Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  It’s about being able to get up, strongly, when you are knocked out for the count by someone.  Because as she says, if you’re gonna be vulnerable, which is a strength, because it’s the birthplace of creativity, joy, love, and worthiness, and belonging, then you are gonna get knocked down.  And it’s all about our ability to rise from the floor, strong.

She teaches looking at a problem in 3 acts…the definition of the issue, the action in which the issue is addressed, and the final resolution, where all things come together, to make you stronger, smarter, and learn a lesson. She says we forget the second act.  We want to brush over our struggles, our battles to work ourselves out of pain, heartache, anger., whatever the emotion is that you are struggling with.  But really that struggle is where it’s at.  That’s where we learn, where we become strong.

So, I am slugging it out with heartache, the second act, but tonight I’m winning.  I am seeing clearly here.  I am not a pile of mush, I am actually happy tonight.  I had dinner with people I love and who love me.  I had texted with my dear friend A.  My girlfriend asked me if I am not leading him on, but no.  A is a good good friend.  I can tell him everything and anything.  He knows exactly how I felt about S.  We have talked about our own chemistry, our own relationship, nothing held back. There are no secrets.  We flirt on occasionally, in the morning, when I’m getting ready for work and we are texting.  He tells me he loves me, still.  I have said it to him.  Because he’s willing to walk through the fire with me, to make sure I’m not alone.  How could I not love him?  I am really blessed.

I see, now, that S would never walk through the fire with me, or for me.  He would have not even held out his hand to me.  It’s whatever, I don’t care tonight. The passion I have had for him is waning. I’m grateful there are people in my life that would walk through the fire with me, for me.  I would have done it for S, I would do it for A.  And my family of friends here.

There is no reason to be morose.  My life is rich and full, and I am blessed.

Loving What Is, Until There’s Something Else

Posted on by learning to live like water

Not knowing is hard

But maybe not as hard as the knowing?

If I don’t have the answer yet,

then the possibilities still live,

Right?

To stay in gratitude for what is,

at the moment.

The cool clean air

the early morning sun streaking golden across the sky.

The blanket wrapped around me

And the happy memories filling my head this morning.

What is, is all there is

Until there’s something else.

Moment to moment

forgive yourself and others

and be free.

A Time of Transformation.

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

The sun comes up so much later in just the last 2 weeks.  I’m outside before it, again.  There is a wee, crescent moon, a single star hidden behind the leaves of the tress and the eastern horizon is lighting up pink, fading to gray blue in a cloudless sky.  It is cool, but not cold, about 68 degrees.  No blanket needed this morning, the cool air fees lovely on my bare arms.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach, and food is still difficult though I am able to eat without feeling like I’m going to get sick.  I think now, it is not so much pain, but is so much regret, and confusion, and inability to comprehend what this whole past weekend was about.

First, the snake. I knew that the metaphysical meaning of a snake showing up in your life meant change.  I just looked it up for a closer look, at the meaning, it’s been a long time.  Here is what I found.

“Transmutation is the key word here. The shedding of old skin and emotions and transforming them into something bigger and better. If Snake winds itself into your life know that change is in the wind and that you are at the center of it all as the catalyst. Make sure that your intentions are clear and that you have clear a clear sense of the direction that you need to strike out in. Snake is letting you know that these changes are safe and that there is no need to fear them.”

And another site.

“The snake animal meaning is powerfully connected to life force and primal energy. In many cultures, it is revered as a powerful totem representing the source of life. When the snake spirit animal appears in your life, it likely means that healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy are manifesting.”

So, believing that there are no coincidences, I should probably look at the snakes appearance in my life in the very middle of all the weekend chaos, as a sign, that there is huge change coming, and not to be afraid of it.  That, combined with the message from the Secret Scrolls that I  published a couple days ago, which both said the same thing.  I need to lose the fear of change.

I sat last night, after I published my last blog on wanting to know the truth, and rolled around the events of the day and the weekend.  I am not meaning to be obsessed.  This is a habit I got into when I was married to a man who delighted in being devious, and loved to gaslight me, and just see if he could create a situation that would make me believe all the wrong things.  He did it for the pure joy of knowing he could control my mind and emotions.  So, I learned to read the signs, to be hypervigilant, to do my best to stay one step ahead of him.

In replaying everything last night, I still know that the conversation I had with S was not the truth.  That it was far from the truth. And that it’s design was to lead me into some chaotic path, back to him, without him having to own up to whatever it was he had planned, designed, and carried out.

Maybe it was like I said, they were together, it didn’t work out, and he was backtracking, to undo the damage he had done. Maybe the entire scenario was a fabrication, right from the start, maybe he never talked to  her at all, but made this up because he knows how jealous I am, to reassure himself that I still wanted him, and to get me to stop with ending the relationship.  I had been publishing all week prior to the appearance of Betty Boop, that I was done with the screwy relationship, that caused way more pain than pleasure for me.  Nothing adds up to him receiving a call  from her, telling me she’s back in his life, I should be happy for him, and it’s all he ever wanted, and then telling me they have just talked for a week.  I believe either they got together, hence me not hearing from him all weekend, and suffering all weekend, because he just didn’t give a damn, he was so caught up in the possibility that she was “back in his life”, or he made the whole thing up to keep me from breaking  up with him.

I have the voicemails still, that he left telling me he wished I’d be happy for him.  But I don’t want to listen to them again.  In my memory, they seem genuine, his voice seems as if he’s not acting.  But then again, he’s good at taking on roles,

The point this morning is, it doesn’t matter to me right now exactly what happened.  I know I don’t have the truth, and what the truth is doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I was lied to.  And that is only equal with the fact that he knew how much pain I was in all weekend, and did nothing at all to ease it.

He is incapable of loving, but even more important he cannot empathize, he has no ability to understand another person’s pain, and he cannot stand to be accountable for the consequences of his actions.  Childish, immature, and so far from the man I thought he was, and so far from the man I want.

Back to the snake, I know the ball in the pit of my stomach is the transformation which has begun.  My transformation, out of this relationship, to open the door in a real way to a better, happier life.  It is letting go of something I held dear for a long time, and had dreams around, but every minute the fog is burning off my psyche and I see the truth a little bit better.  As it comes into focus, I will heal.

This morning, even though I can look at what happened and still feel enormous anger at S, I have to feel sorry for him too, that he felt compelled to make up a story to me, rather than tell the truth.  That he has so little confidence in who he is, that he can’t be real, even with me, who never asked him for anything except love which was the one thing I could not have. I hope he does what he’s been telling me he needs to do for 6 months, and that is to go and find  himself.  Find what he wants, find what he needs to be, and do with the years remaining on this earth.  He has so much potential, but he sets himself up for failure in his belief that he is not worthy of love and belonging.  I thought I could help him learn to believe that he has value because he exists, for no other reason.  But I can’t, couldn’t.  He needs to find that out for himself, to love himself.  He needs to learn to silence his ego, and allow his spirit to lead the way.  Then there is a possibility he will be able to love another person and not cause them both endless pain.

The sun is up now.  It promises to be a hot late summer day.  This time of year, I always think, is this the last hot day until next summer?  Will I feel the waves of warm moist heat on my skin again for many months? Every warm day in September is a blessing.  It is a good time for change, for transformation.  The autumn here is known for it’s beauty, the hills and mountains heavily wooded, covered with red, and gold, and orange, and still some green.  It can be breathtaking.

I would like to have my breath taken away by something beautiful for a change.

Note:  the picture at the top is from my deck as I wrote this blog.

Looking for Joy

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

Not a whole lot to say this morning, which is unusual.  Remarkable, some would say.  Just feeling grateful, it’s a cool morning after days of hot weather, Sitting outside watching the sunrise, grateful to be sitting on my deck, to have a deck attached to a house, and a job to go to.  My son is in NYC at a music festival, gone for the weekend, so I have the house to myself.  Going to do a massive cleaning tomorrow, and  hopefully make some plans with someone.

Been thinking a lot about my move to FL next year.  I am already saving listed houses on Zillow, lol.  Think about not having my son around, will love some things about it, hate others.  It’s been just he and I for so long now, we are so close.  I’m sure I will just miss his energy.  I know it’s time for him to fly alone though, so I’m happy he wants to do it.

Looking for some joy today.  I usually find it.

Occulting Happiness.

Posted on by learning to live like water

End of vacation, end of the weekend.  I had a wonderful week off, but it makes me want to go back to work tomorrow even less.  I will have about 1200 emails to read, countless calls to make, orders to process, and ship, and UGH.  None of it stimulates my creativity at all.  But it pays the bills for the time being.

On the other hand….4 days in the mountains, a day in Newport, 2 days just cleaning my house, doing laundry, reading, relaxing, an amazing graduation party for my best friend’s daughter who I love so dearly, and then today…spent at the beach with my two best friends, a hot summer day, spent talking about the great party last night, laughing, reading, sleeping, listening to a thousand happy kids splashing in the water, the not so big waves breaking on the shore.  The islands in the distance, every single one of which I’ve overnighted in their harbors many times, were visible floating on the mist that rose from the sea.  It was a perfect end to a perfect week.

I have less than 2 weeks til my carpal tunnel surgery.  I can’t wait.  I am so sick of only having basically one useful hand, not being able to write, or even open a jar or a bottle of water. And of it hurting all the time.  My son will take me and bring me home from my surgery.  One of my friends will come over and spend the afternoon with me. I am so blessed.

I remember a time, not so terribly long ago, when I first was happy, after I left my ex.  And the feeling was so foreign to me, I hadn’t been happy in so many years.  I remember my “aha” moment….OMG, This is what happy fees like.   And now, happy is where I’m at most of the time.

When you’re traveling by sea, and reading a marine chart, every light on a buoy or a light house has a different light pattern, so you can identify it in the dark and know where you are.  One pattern is called “occulting”.  which means that the light flashes on for longer than it’s off.

That’s what my happiness is now.  Occulting.  It’s on more than it’s off.