Tag Archives: healing.

The Darkness Has Passed, and I’m so Grateful

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am in much better shape this morning than last night when I wrote my last blog.  Pretty much back to the place where the whole affair just disgusts me, that I participated in it at all, even though I didn’t have any knowledge of the facts.  I am back to seeing him as a defective, sick man.  Completely devoid of normal human empathy and compassion, as my friend Megan pointed out.  He feels it for himself, no one else.  Not missing him at all.

It’s good to be in a place where the random memory bombs just set off a small detonation, and then disappear.  I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what happened to me.  I see where I was feeling the truth, even though he constantly denied it.  I needed to trust my gut, my intuition more, and going forward, will listen more astutely.  It’s a good lesson for me.

I had been feeling so bad for Betty when I first realized she had no idea, but really….she had a relationship with him that left him to his own devices all week, and he’d already proven to her he was untrustworthy with her former best friend.  She also set herself up.  Yesterday I realized that he didn’t lie anywhere near as much to her, he wasn’t trying to blow her off to see me, so lies weren’t needed.  Just the lies of omission, lol, that he was with me when he wasn’t with her.  But ignorance was bliss, for awhile.  We both had to get the big lie.  I’m just way ahead of her on the healing path.  Who knows, she may forgive him, and let him back.  He can’t be monogamous, he can’t draw a line for himself he won’t cross.  If it’s not me, it will be someone else, one day when she least suspects it.  It’s just who he is.  Lies and deception and living on the edge are what he likes.

Enough about him.  Really.  This morning I’m sick of it again, lol.

It’s Thanksgiving.  I made a beautiful pumpkin pie last night.  This morning I am making a jello mold, the stuffing for the turkey was made Tuesday night.  I have a small 12 lb turkey for my son and I, and will put it in the oven around noon so we can eat around 4.  Then a few other things, twice baked potatoes, baked butternut squash.  My son bought a really good bottle of wine, which was really sweet.  He’s growing up and realized he should contribute.  It will be fun to hang with him for the day.  He’ll probably have friends over tonight, which is also good with me. I love having young people in the house, even though they mainly stay in his space, my finished basement.  Still, I like the energy.  It’s invigorating.

I’ve been talking to A a lot.  He’s really gutted his new home.  His son smashed his finger in a car door and had to have it stitched up.  A is not pushing it with me, though I can feel his feelings have not changed.  And right now…as long as he is not pushing me, it is soothing, and a blessing for me. He said he wishes he were here, he’d love to go to the sweat lodge with me tomorrow.  He sends me love every morning, every night, he reminds me of my worth.  I try to also remind him.  I wish I could love him the way he wants, he so deserves it.  I really have a lot of self introspection to do, though….I am not really in a place to be with anyone.

But I’m oh so grateful for A and his loving attention.  Lots of things I’m grateful for on this lovely cold Thanksgiving morning.  For my son, for my friends who have been hanging with me through all this stupid drama.  For my book club, which is 3 of my best friends.  We’re going out to dinner on Tuesday.  I’m grateful for this blog, which allows me to release my emotions in a productive way.  I’m grateful to live in my lovely home, to have a decent job.  Grateful to be able to put a feast on my table today.  To know what I know, lol, and be open to continue learning. Grateful that a relationship that caused me far more tears than joy in the last 6 months is over. I think the dark days are over for the most part.

Happy Thanksgiving, with love and light.

Awaiting Transformation

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day dawns,

First light glows the horizon

Soft pink

Where heaven meets earth.

The sky still indigo directly above,

With one solitary star still visible

On this cold clear November morning.

The trees are bare,

The earth in New England settles down

For a long winter nap.

All of the the past year’s leaves and flowers

Lay on the ground

Ready to begin their transformation.

We mourn their passing,

Yet

At the same time

We know at the first breath of spring

They will arise to become

something once again beautiful.

I will rest with them

Let my heart

Heal in the warm unconditional love

of the universe

All the pieces I have so carefully put back together,

And the ones I have not found yet,

Will meld together again,

Become whole once more.

I will leave the old hurts in the ground with the leaves

Covered in the blankets of snow

Knowing that the spring will come.

Awaiting transformation.

Update

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had emotions today ranging from pure anger at the bold-faced lies I was told, to that feeling of great sorrow for him.  It seems that the height and depth of the emotions are evening out.  None of them last long anymore.  Thought about sending him the song “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan.  Because I think at the end of the day that’s what I wish for him.  But I ended up on middle ground, knowing that the journey which he needs to take is one he has to embark on himself, and take by himself, and choose by himself, and I need to not add my energy to the mix.  He always said to me he’s never been alone, he’s been in relationships for 40 years.  He has the opportunity now, to do some real work.  I hope it’s what he’ll choose.

It is generally exhausting for me anyway,  our connection has always been so strong.  I have a couple of crystal pendulums and when I’ve received strong energetic messages from him they have been confirmed for the most part.  I am learning to let them come and go.  I am trying to pay attention to what I need, and let the rest go.  I told him he was dead to me, because I don’t want any on-going communication, and because I can’t take finding out one more untruth.  But I think I will always care for the man I loved, the one pre-Betty who was trying to be someone.  I will always love the child who steers the riverboat.  He was headed for the deep, but now he’s in it, and he has to find his way back alone.  I hope he can do it.

 

 

As Good As It Gets, for the moment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Mondays I work late, til 7.  I started work at 9.  So, it was another long, busy day.  It’s good, that it’s busy.

But now I’m home.  I’ve eaten leftovers from Sunday, when I usually manage to make a decent meal.  I have a half glass of cabernet beside me, 3 squares of dark chocolate, in my warm fleece jammies, lol.  It’s about as good as I can get it at the moment.

Good, considering I was a little angry about things today, but I wrote the anger off to the still present emotional waves.  When I thought about how cruelly he ended it with me 7 weeks ago, and then wouldn’t let me go, kept calling and texting and leaving me voice mails, asking me to come see him, right up to the moment he was exposed, and then had the unmitigated gall to ask me to lie for him….Geezus.  It just pissed me off.  I mean, really what rock did he crawl out from under?  But I’m over it.  A little rage bubbles up, I consider the source, and honest to God, I have to laugh at someone who is so clueless.  Geezus.

So, now I’m home, in my beautiful home, relaxing, writing, being happy.  A is texting me with his undying love, which from 2000 miles is a soothing.  He has gutted his new home, he’s sent me pics.  He and his son are doing all the work.  A is 69, man, he’s working his ass off physically.

I so didn’t want to be at work today.  I can’t wait to put this house on the market in spring.  I am believing that it will sell by summer.  I just can’t wait to retire, and not work.  Own a home with no mortgage.  I wanted to be writing all day today.  It has become such a passion, to sit down and put my thoughts and emotions to written word.  So healing.

My cousin was reading some of the poetry I’ve written and put up here last night.  She knows what I’ve been through and could feel it in what I wrote.  She said, “Damn, Deb, you are good…”  I told her the only problem is that to write a good poem I apparently need to be tortured, lol. Or crazy in love.  So… lately I’m just tortured.

The love will come, the love will come.  My heart is open, the love will come.

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Early Morning Sunrise 11-23-15

Early morning sunrise is beautiful this morning.  I have been up since well before dawn, but I slept well last night.

I did my final day of the Deepak Chopra 21 day free meditation this morning.  When it was done I saw this sunrise, like a simple gift from the universe.

Every morning I wake up a little farther from the chaos of the last few weeks, and it usually lessens throughout the day.  I am not slipping backward, which is a huge thing.  I have no more rogue waves knocking me down.  Nothing pushing me backward.

Grateful this morning, I guess.  Just grateful.  There is so much to be grateful for, even the hard lessons.  I can see it all as a gift.  Even though at times, I still pick my jaw up off the floor at the depth of deception that one man can create, he deceived himself worst of all.  His deception made me smarter, and wiser.  I have grown from the experience.  As long as we do that, it’s never a waste.

It’s only a 3 day work week this week.  Hopefully I will go to the sweat lodge Saturday.  I know it would be really good for me.  I feel blessed that there are so many healing opportunities around here to bring me back to myself.  Every day I remember more who I was, and who I am.

Thanksgiving will be quiet as usual.  Just me and my son.  I’m grateful he’ll be home all day. It is the first time in a few years he has not had to go into work in the late afternoon to work overnight for Black Friday.  In fact he has the day off, his new job is not a hot spot for Christmas shopping.

Been texting with A this morning, since early, which is really early for him.  He is telling me about his son’s girlfriend, coming to see him from Maine, to New Mexico, talking about moving out there.  I think he is wistful, that I have no interest in doing that.  I have always told him I could never live in the desert.  I wouldn’t mind visiting, but probably not him for more than a day or two.  I love him, but it’s a love that’s better from a distance than up close.

I’m still sure the up close one is headed my way.

Love and light.

 

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.

 

Tying Up The Loose Ends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I slept 7 hours last night, the first time all week I’ve gotten a decent night’s sleep.  I was at peace finally.  The truth is on the table and now can be dealt with by the universe and the people involved.  I can go on with my life and know I did the right thing.

I always told S when he was breaking up with me, which happened in 18 months a few times, that it would hurt, but I was strong and would get over it.  I always knew I would.  He said, “You aren’t strong.  You crumble like a little girl.”  He was the one who crumbled, when I said ok, go….he never could.  He could never walk away.  He still can’t.

Although I did crumble. But I could also put myself back together.  I knew what to do, how to do it.  I guess my ex gave me practiced.  When I found out about Betty, I didn’t think I’d be able to put myself back together.  I have never hurt so much in my life.  It was his cruelty in the way he told me, not that he wanted to be with her.  It was his callous disregard for the way I loved him. But  just over 6 weeks later, I have myself almost back together.

I bet that S has changed his mind about whether or not I am strong now.

My biggest problem going forward will be sensing his feelings, sensing what is going on with him.  I still have no explanation as to why I do this, but there have always been people with whom I can do this.

The first time was when my ex and I were about 30.  We lived on a lake, and our neighbor kid who was about 20,used to go water skiing with us a lot, often we’d have him over to eat after.  One day we came home from a trip, and he came over.  He was in the living room talking to my ex, I was in the kitchen.  I began shaking, literally.  I sensed some really dark horrible energy, and I wasn’t into energy work at all.  I called him into the kitchen, and told him, “I don’t know what’s happening, but you need to get him out of the house, NOW. ”  My ex didn’t argue, he just did it.

Six months later, the kid went down the street, and killed an old woman and stole her car.

It still creeps me out.

I tend to listen to these messages, and will continue.  If I determine they are warnings to me, I will act.  Otherwise, I’ll let them go.  A psychic told me that S was sucking my energy dry, that I didn’t have to do anything about the vibe I got from him, I got them because I am an empath. And that I needed to turn the energy in on myself.

This will be my aim going forward.  To do what is right for me, and to let go the vibes I get from S.  And anyone else they come from.  I told her I thought I knew him in a past life, she said that could well be true.

I was so relieved to hear that I was not expected to deal with the crazy info that I would get at random times.

I have a gong bath tonight, perfect timing.  I am so grateful to wake up to no drama today, the drama is all over in his corner, and it’s what he loves.  He feels most loved when someone is crying over him.  Lord knows he did it enough with me, and while I was crying he would make me laugh, hard, endearing himself to me.

He told that every woman in his life has hurt him.  I thought, I won’t join that club. I loved him so much, beyond reason, without limit.  As it turns out, I’m sure in his mind I hurt him.  Badly.  I don’t expect he will ever take ownership of this story.

If he was smart, he would take this whole episode as a gift, as the gift of ruin, as rock bottom emotionally, and begin to transform into someone he could be proud of, that could love himself, and others with his whole heart.  He would direct this energy inward, and do some real soul-searching to figure out why he finds it so necessary to manipulate people.  It was, really, an act of love, to make him accountable for his actions, even though he will never see it that way.

I don’t think he will ever get that.

If he’s smart, he will use this time to do what he told me he wanted to do all summer when he made up this story so he could be with Betty every weekend.  Be alone, learn to be alone.  Learn who he is, and change what he doesn’t like.  Discover his passions, figure out what he wants for the rest of his life.  I hope he does this.

But it’s not my problem anymore.  I’m running to the light.  I’m tying up the loose ends of my emotions around this, and connecting all the dots, and every minute I feel better and more distant from all the chaos of the last few months.

I can look at S, as someone I loved, I can feel the same detached sorrow for him as I do for my ex.  A detached sorrow, that he feels so unlovable, that he has to lie and manipulate people into his life. He has done it so much that he just lies as a way of life, just like my ex.  As far as me….he had me at hello.  He just couldn’t believe it.  I bet it was that way that way for Betty too.

Onward….onward.

 

 

 

It Wasn’t Revenge

Posted on by learning to live like water

He thinks it was revenge.  Revenge for breaking my heart.  Does he not know that a broken heart stems from love?  Does he not know me at all after all this time?

He said he will never forgive me. I said “why would I care if you forgave me?”

It us only important whether or not I could have forgiven myself for standing by, watching, an not doing anything to prevent any more heartache. 

It was for her.  It was because I saw someone getting the crap beat out of them every day, by a lie they were unaware of that was growing daily.  How do you stand by, when you see someone getting set up for the kill, against their own wishes, and do nothing?

It was for her Scott.  It wasn’t about you.

You devastate me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

As the weeks went on, I saw what you were doing to her.  You were still telling me you didn’t want a loving relationship. She obviously thought she was in one.  She had no idea, none, that daily you were laughing inside, as you tried to get me to see you Sundays, Wednesdays.  And if it wasn’t me, because it wasn’t, soon enough it would have been Samantha, or someone. Because you don’t know why you can’t have whoever you want whenever you want.

Your dream, to have a different woman every night of the week.  Your fantasy.

Her fantasy and mine, to have a man who loved them, and was faithful to them, and building something that bordered on miraculous.

It was for her.  I couldn’t stand by and watch you play with someone else the way you did with me.  I couldn’t watch as you set someone else up for a fatal blow at a time of your choosing.  You know I cannot remain silent, and watch someone get hurt. If you don’t know that about me, it’s because you didn’t pay any attention, you just took what you could from me.

I told you, if you want to be loved, then be lovable. Your actions are not separate from the person that you are, they are a physical manifestation of who you are.

Who you are, right now, is not lovable, because you used two women for your own purposes, oblivious to the pain you would cause.  I told you to stop acting wounded.  You have no idea what a wound is.  You didn’t love either one of us.  You are incapable of loving someone.  You are only capable of stealing from them, to bolster the empty hole that is your heart.  Stealing their pure love, their energy, their lives, so that you can believe you are valuable because these two women love you.

I have told you 100 times, I saw your soul.  Maybe 1000.  You know it was true, you know I knew things about you I shouldn’t have known because you didn’t tell me.  I told you your value is within.  Find it.  Take this time and find it.  Stop leaching off of me and her.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you when you were a child.  It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday.

It matters what you choose to do today.

Try loving yourself, enough to acknowledge who you have been, and to try to be the person you want to be.  The person you think you are when one of us took you to our bed and adored you.

We deserved to be adored back.

It was for her.  It was never about you.  You and only you are responsible for your life.

Two Stubborn Leaves

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

I texted with S yesterday, and this morning.  I think what was said, needed to be said.  A few of the pieces of my heart that had been so tentatively put back in place, crumbled and fell off.  I’ll pick them up, and put them back, and let the light in to heal them into something more beautiful.  I finally had to stop.  I can’t really do it.  I need to move on, not remind myself, or be reminded, of what was, and what happened.  There is no closure.  There is no way to end it well.  So we always just fade away, we don’t say good bye, we don’t say good luck, we don’t say anything.  I say, I’ll always love you.  He says, I miss you.

But he does nothing to change the decision he made.  We hang there, like the last stubborn leaves on a tree in the fall. Refusing to fall off, to be raked up, to be transformed.

I am about to let go.  I have to move on.  For real, not for a few days.

I may find the love of my life.  I may move by summer.  I will always love him.  But I will let go.  So I can go on living.  I’m tired.  I’m empty.  I’m letting go, strand by strand.  Soon the last one will slip out of my hands, and I’ll be gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Paris, For Us All

Posted on by learning to live like water

The Great Bell Chant (The End of Suffering)

I keep trying to write something for Paris, but it is too overwhelming for me to have a coherent thought.  I know all our hearts are with the the citizens of Paris, of France, and of humanity, as President Obama said.  We are all connected, nothing affects anyone that doesn’t affect everyone.

Anyone who reads my blogs knows that I am a believer in the power of love.  But here….there was such huge evil intent.  Its inexplicable,

I pray for peace.  I pray for healing. I pray for light to be borne of this darkness.