Tag Archives: love

Even Though

Posted on by learning to live like water

My world this morning is unsettled

Yet again.

Dark gray clouds race through the early morning sky,

And a wind from the sea, 30 miles away,

Blowing, fiercely,

Bending trees.

Bending me.

A voice called to me

speaking silently

Asking me for just a small slice of my soul.

It would have been so easy

to acquiesce, to agree.

To pretend, again.

Oh I am so good at pretending

At making up stories

That what isn’t, is.

This time I said, no…..

You can’t have that slice.

Because it will leave a wound

When you are gone.

My heart lately, is tender.

It is covered with small wounds healing.

Wounds inflicted by me

Pretending, for you.

I can’t inflict another.

Even though I love you with all my heart.

Out of the Fog

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

My struggle seems to have taken a time-out this morning.

I went to a gong bath last night.  My hour long (or slightly longer) meditation spent in darkness, laying on the floor, blanket pulled up, and mask over my eyes, while 8 gongs vibrated, and crystal bowls sang, and drums beat and bells chimed in a wondrous cacophony of healing.  I set an intention last night going in.  It was to send love to all those in my life, love without strings, just send it to the universe and let the universe decide how to bring it to them.  I sent it to S, to my ex husband, to my son, to my friends.  To my mother, my sisters.  I visualized the pink energy threads spreading out from me, touching these people.

When the tsunami’s came (the tsunami is our name for when the gongs are played with such intensity that the vibrations wash over you like a tsunami, and you cannot hold a thought, whatever needs to bubble up for release is compelled then, there is no escape as the vibration of 8 gongs being wailed on reaches your very cellular level and finds what needs healing and opens the door) I sobbed.  For what, I didn’t know, but release is always good, and probably, at the gong bath, more common than not.

I had gone with a friend.  It’s nice to have a friend with me, I usually do, but last night I wished I was driving home alone, too many emotions, and none were coherent enough to put into words.  So, I let her talk, she is addicted to her phone, and I let her tell me all the funny memes that she was reading as I drove back to where we’d left her car.  (“I put $1 in an envelope every time my wife and I have sex, and what’s in there is all I’m spending on her for Christmas.  So far she’s getting a cup of coffee.”)  The time passed amicably.

Then I got stuck in traffic.  They are doing major major highway reconstruction at night, and it held me up a good half hour.  The emotions which the gongs shook to the surface began to appear, like a wound that won’t close.  I longed once more for what never would be, I couldn’t find a pathway between what I know I can accept and what I want more than anything.  I felt like all those pink threads that I sent out were pulling on me, painfully, 100 little threads pulling my heart apart. Struggle.

I sent out a text, to which there was no response.  Understandably, but still, painfully silent.

When I got home, late, because of the traffic, I wept as I wrote “Only You”.  More release.

I climbed into bed, and tried to read.  My book club is reading “The Sacred Year” by Michael Yankovich.  I wasn’t crazy about it at first, but I like it more and more as I read.  His year becomes a deeper and deeper search into his soul.  Finally, I shut the light out, it was late, I was exhausted.  But the struggle seems to like that time, when I am tired and it’s late, to make me think about it.

I have been trying to wean myself off of the Ambien to sleep.  Started with the carpal tunnel, because it helped me sleep through a lot of the pain.  Last weekend I made it through a night without it.  But not since.  I tried last night, but lay there, with a knot in my heart and the pit of my stomach, and finally got out of bed and took one more, so I wouldn’t be up all night, struggling.

I was thinking then, that I might ask for something today, that would probably not serve me well, except it would stop the pain, for a little while.  Not having any resolution but thanks to the Ambien, I fell soundly asleep for 6 hours.

This morning, it seems, the gongs work becomes evident.  What bubbled up last night, what was pulled out of me at the very cellular level, needed to come up, and I  needed to release it.  While I still feel the struggle, it is not so fresh, not like a new wound again.  More like one that is healing, a wound that brings bittersweet memories with it, but is healing, not bleeding anymore.

And really, who knows which wound causes the struggle?  There are many, we all have many.  I have chosen one, it seems, at which to direct my emotions.  I think, really, the struggle is multi-faceted, and not completely caused by present moment events.

I was surprised to walk out on my deck at 6 AM this morning and find the world shrouded in fog.  As if some greater power knew I needed this time alone, no distractions of bright golden sunrises, or even morning stars.  I know they are there, I know I will see them again, but I needed to focus on this this morning .

It is good to regain my focus, and to think I can move forward in letting go of things that have not served me, even if I love them.  I will always love them.  And that’s a good thing.  To love without attachment.  I’m trying, anyway.

Only You

Posted on by learning to live like water

Weary,

I long to rest my heart

On yours.

To hear a heartbeat

Reverberate through the silence.

Only silence envelopes me now

Quiet dulled by emptiness.

Where will I find some peace,

And when?

Tears leak out of my eyes,

begging solace from the night sky.

Walls implode

And crash in on me.

I tiptoe through the rubble,

looking for the pieces of myself that are scattered across the landscape.

You.  Only you.

Is all I can find.

Loss

Posted on by learning to live like water

Is something a loss if you never really had it?

Or if what you had was not what you thought it was?

Or what you wanted?

Is it loss because you dreamed of it,

And the dream died?

In an instant….

fighting for it

didn’t make it so

Nor begging

Nor asking,

Nor longing.

It never was.

I think it’s loss

Still.

A Time of Transformation.

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

The sun comes up so much later in just the last 2 weeks.  I’m outside before it, again.  There is a wee, crescent moon, a single star hidden behind the leaves of the tress and the eastern horizon is lighting up pink, fading to gray blue in a cloudless sky.  It is cool, but not cold, about 68 degrees.  No blanket needed this morning, the cool air fees lovely on my bare arms.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach, and food is still difficult though I am able to eat without feeling like I’m going to get sick.  I think now, it is not so much pain, but is so much regret, and confusion, and inability to comprehend what this whole past weekend was about.

First, the snake. I knew that the metaphysical meaning of a snake showing up in your life meant change.  I just looked it up for a closer look, at the meaning, it’s been a long time.  Here is what I found.

“Transmutation is the key word here. The shedding of old skin and emotions and transforming them into something bigger and better. If Snake winds itself into your life know that change is in the wind and that you are at the center of it all as the catalyst. Make sure that your intentions are clear and that you have clear a clear sense of the direction that you need to strike out in. Snake is letting you know that these changes are safe and that there is no need to fear them.”

And another site.

“The snake animal meaning is powerfully connected to life force and primal energy. In many cultures, it is revered as a powerful totem representing the source of life. When the snake spirit animal appears in your life, it likely means that healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy are manifesting.”

So, believing that there are no coincidences, I should probably look at the snakes appearance in my life in the very middle of all the weekend chaos, as a sign, that there is huge change coming, and not to be afraid of it.  That, combined with the message from the Secret Scrolls that I  published a couple days ago, which both said the same thing.  I need to lose the fear of change.

I sat last night, after I published my last blog on wanting to know the truth, and rolled around the events of the day and the weekend.  I am not meaning to be obsessed.  This is a habit I got into when I was married to a man who delighted in being devious, and loved to gaslight me, and just see if he could create a situation that would make me believe all the wrong things.  He did it for the pure joy of knowing he could control my mind and emotions.  So, I learned to read the signs, to be hypervigilant, to do my best to stay one step ahead of him.

In replaying everything last night, I still know that the conversation I had with S was not the truth.  That it was far from the truth. And that it’s design was to lead me into some chaotic path, back to him, without him having to own up to whatever it was he had planned, designed, and carried out.

Maybe it was like I said, they were together, it didn’t work out, and he was backtracking, to undo the damage he had done. Maybe the entire scenario was a fabrication, right from the start, maybe he never talked to  her at all, but made this up because he knows how jealous I am, to reassure himself that I still wanted him, and to get me to stop with ending the relationship.  I had been publishing all week prior to the appearance of Betty Boop, that I was done with the screwy relationship, that caused way more pain than pleasure for me.  Nothing adds up to him receiving a call  from her, telling me she’s back in his life, I should be happy for him, and it’s all he ever wanted, and then telling me they have just talked for a week.  I believe either they got together, hence me not hearing from him all weekend, and suffering all weekend, because he just didn’t give a damn, he was so caught up in the possibility that she was “back in his life”, or he made the whole thing up to keep me from breaking  up with him.

I have the voicemails still, that he left telling me he wished I’d be happy for him.  But I don’t want to listen to them again.  In my memory, they seem genuine, his voice seems as if he’s not acting.  But then again, he’s good at taking on roles,

The point this morning is, it doesn’t matter to me right now exactly what happened.  I know I don’t have the truth, and what the truth is doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I was lied to.  And that is only equal with the fact that he knew how much pain I was in all weekend, and did nothing at all to ease it.

He is incapable of loving, but even more important he cannot empathize, he has no ability to understand another person’s pain, and he cannot stand to be accountable for the consequences of his actions.  Childish, immature, and so far from the man I thought he was, and so far from the man I want.

Back to the snake, I know the ball in the pit of my stomach is the transformation which has begun.  My transformation, out of this relationship, to open the door in a real way to a better, happier life.  It is letting go of something I held dear for a long time, and had dreams around, but every minute the fog is burning off my psyche and I see the truth a little bit better.  As it comes into focus, I will heal.

This morning, even though I can look at what happened and still feel enormous anger at S, I have to feel sorry for him too, that he felt compelled to make up a story to me, rather than tell the truth.  That he has so little confidence in who he is, that he can’t be real, even with me, who never asked him for anything except love which was the one thing I could not have. I hope he does what he’s been telling me he needs to do for 6 months, and that is to go and find  himself.  Find what he wants, find what he needs to be, and do with the years remaining on this earth.  He has so much potential, but he sets himself up for failure in his belief that he is not worthy of love and belonging.  I thought I could help him learn to believe that he has value because he exists, for no other reason.  But I can’t, couldn’t.  He needs to find that out for himself, to love himself.  He needs to learn to silence his ego, and allow his spirit to lead the way.  Then there is a possibility he will be able to love another person and not cause them both endless pain.

The sun is up now.  It promises to be a hot late summer day.  This time of year, I always think, is this the last hot day until next summer?  Will I feel the waves of warm moist heat on my skin again for many months? Every warm day in September is a blessing.  It is a good time for change, for transformation.  The autumn here is known for it’s beauty, the hills and mountains heavily wooded, covered with red, and gold, and orange, and still some green.  It can be breathtaking.

I would like to have my breath taken away by something beautiful for a change.

Note:  the picture at the top is from my deck as I wrote this blog.

The End Is In Sight This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m up early this morning.  I have been out on the deck since the very first rays of sunlight edged the eastern horizon.  It’s still, the birds are not even singing yet.  And it’s cool, I’m wrapped in a blanket.  It promises to be a beautiful day.

I’d thought I was going to the beach today, but that didn’t work out.  It’s ok, though.  I am going for a walk with a friend this morning, just back from Martha’s Vineyard where she has a summer home.  It will be good to catch up.  My son will be home from his music festival in the early afternoon, and it will be good to see him, have his somewhat chaotic energy back in the house.  And his help in finding and getting rid of the snake!

I am better this morning.  I have a selenite healing wand with a fluorite tip on it.  The two stones are very healing.  I held it to my heart last night.  One of selenite’s metaphysical properties is that it helps to break up patterns, and I felt it was exactly what I needed to get over S.  I need to break up the pattern that my mind and heart go through when I think of him.  I held it there, and repeated “detach” like a mantra.  Focusing on the word, on visually seeing the energetic cords break off and fall away.  I fell asleep with it that way.  I think it helped.  Because this morning when I think of him, I remember all the ways we did not get along, all the reasons I tried to break it off with him all summer, and he kept drawing me back in.

Looking back, I suppose he just didn’t want to be alone.  I don’t think that he thought that, purposefully.  Just, he really has so few people in his life.  His daughter and son, and one good friend that I know of.  He wasn’t in love with me, but he liked the fact that I was.

I am putting that in the past tense.  I think I can just begin to feel the transformation of what I felt for him, becoming something else.  Something less painful, something more like the words of that song “You’re just someone that I used to love.”   No mean intent, just that I can feel the first tendrils of moving my heart away from him, and the pain and chaos loving him has cost me.

I’ve known for months we were not meant to be.  We never saw each other for one, which was his decision. Not mine.  But I stopped fighting it long ago.  I saw him maybe 4 times all summer.  So why is it such a big deal that he is not with me now?  Because he’s with someone else, and it feels like rejection.  Because I am jealous, I would have liked to be someone he wanted to spend more time with, but I never was, so I need to stop making it out to be like he ever wanted to be with me anyway.  He just liked keeping me on the periphery of his life, liked knowing there was someone out there who adored him.

Well, I don’t, adore him at the moment.  I’m not mad, but this morning I am real.  His relationships are all pretty dysfunctional.  He has been healing the one with his daughter, but Betty Boop will probably reverse that in a big hurry.  Too bad.

I have lived such a dysfunctional life with my ex, that I was comfortable with S’s ability to create a dysfunctional relationship with me.  I realized that this summer, there are probably 3 or 4 blogs about how I tried to end it with him, and he talked me out of it.  Most notably, the time in maybe July, where he had just pulled me back in with the possibility of him being very sick, and then disappeared on me for 4 days.  I mean, literally, on the weekend, he called and asked me not to “dump” him, and told me how he is sick and the constant pain of his headaches was making him behave poorly, and so I didn’t, and I think he came up to my house that weekend, maybe.  Then the next weekend his mother died and he disappeared to New Jersey, without a word, and I was calling the hospitals here to see if he’d been admitted, because I was afraid he had an aneurysm.  I was so terrified.  He came home and texted me like it was nothing.

Dysfunction.

I don’t need that.  He once told me that he and his ex gf used to fight passionately, and make up passionately, and that there had been many times when they had separated for months at a time.  This was when we first met, and I thought, I don’t want any fighting passionately.  When a fight begins, I run.  I was the runner.  I have had more than my share of hard fought, blood and guts fights in my life, and I don’t like them.  Back then, he didn’t yet know she had married within months of leaving him.  I think he thought it was just another temporary break up.  One day she messaged him, after I’d been seeing him for a couple of months, said she wanted to see him.  Of course, I was terrified, and he was kinder then, than now.  He told me to not worry, that I was taking him out of the equation, that he was just going to talk to her, and it didn’t mean he was going back to her.  Turns out she wanted to meet with him to tell him face to face she was married.  He disappeared then for 2 days.  Wouldn’t talk to me, or answer my texts, left me hanging out to dry, just kind of like this weekend.  The difference was he gave our relationship no consideration this time, He just said, “she’s back in my life.”  After 18 months.  He let go of me so fast, that it’s taken me days just to get up on my own two feet again.  I was blindsided, not only by Betty Boop’s appearance in his life, and mine by extension, but by how easily and quickly he threw our relationship to the wind.

Well, it’s all moot now.  She’s back, and I am letting go.  I think about all the hurt, all the times he disregarded my feelings because he couldn’t cope with his own.  When I am in a relationship with someone, him included, generally I consider their feelings first.  He and I both were dysfunctional, we could not figure out how to make it work.

It was a bad relationship.  It is good that something happened to make it actually end, to create an ending that there is no bridge from to get back to where we were.  Where we were was not a good place anyway.  I know there are much better places ahead of me, than behind me.

I’m going to have a good day today.  The knot in my stomach has unraveled some.  I made a pot of chili yesterday, but couldn’t eat any of it.  We’ll have it today, with some good bread.  I’ll work at opening the door for something “magnificent” to walk through.  I know the rest of my life will be wonderful, I know what I want, and where I’m going and what I’m going to do when I get there. S is beginning to fade, and I can imagine, for the first time, that a day is coming where I don’t think of him wistfully.  Maybe kind of, he was kind of a cool guy but so messed up.  I’d like to remember him fondly, but not painfully.  Someday.

Not there yet, but like I say, I know where I’m going and what I want, and that’s what I want.  Just to let go of it all, say I loved him once, we had some fun, but we had more pain, and we let it go.

The end.

Coming Full Circle

Posted on by learning to live like water

My first tears fell last night.  The anger gave way to the cause of it and I broke down sobbing last night.  I woke up doing the same this morning.  Thank God I have the sleeping pills from my carpal tunnel, they afford me 5 or 6 hours of sleep.

I miss him so much, if I think about it for a second, my heart just squeezes and all that pain just pours down my face, just wracking my body.

This morning, I unblocked him and sent him this pathetic text.

“I miss you so much I can’t breathe.  I can’t stop crying.  I’m a mess.  I tried so hard to love you so well and it didn’t matter even one teeny bit.  I unblocked you in case you have a pang of conscience about walking so briskly away from the woman that loved you.”

Because, this ex gf, Betty Boop, I don’t believe she loves him.  I believe she needs something from him, and is using his love for her to get it. I don’t think anyone who leaves a 12 year relationship, runs off an marries a man she doesn’t know, and walks out on the marriage 18 months later, has a clue about herself.  I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her, her actions tell me who she is.and my intuition.

Maybe S likes being so much smarter than her.  Maybe it feeds his ego, to have some sexy dumb woman think he’s smart.  It feeds his ego enough that he doesn’t mind being used by her to take care of all her financial needs.

Damn the connection I have with him.  If I am right they were together last night, and this morning.  I know he’ll go read the text in private, I know he won’t have read any of my blogs until he’s alone.  Maybe he’ll stop reading them altogether.  After all, I suppose he doesn’t really need to know what I’m thinking now.  He’s got her to occupy his mind.  Maybe he’s spending all of the long holiday weekend with her.  Something he would never do with me.

I need to let go.  I forgot how painful this roller coaster is.  Last night I was pretty high, I was not caring, until I got home.  This morning, I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t talk to him. I know it would be so much better if I could just cut off communication, but I just can’t, quite yet.

I still know that I’ll be ok.  I know I’ll get through this.  I know there is someone out there who will love me and what I have to offer.  It is just so hard to think of him with her.  That’s where I get stuck.  I need to do a lot of work around that one thing.  I just can’t stand him being with someone else.

He used to tell me that they never talked during the week.  Sometimes a quick, “are we on for the weekend” message.  I thought that so strange.  He and I talked all the time, texting during the day at work, in the evening, sometimes talking on the phone.  Seems so strange that he loved someone so much that he never talked to.  Just seems…a cold way to have a relationship.

Well, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants.  I could never want it.  I loved our conversations.  Intimate, flirty, downright sexual, intellectual, spiritual, debates at times  One reason I loved him was his ability to discuss intelligently a huge wide rage of subjects and interject his pretty expansive and varied life experiences to them.  I miss his stories.  I miss how he made me laugh.  I thought he liked it too.  I know he liked what I did for him in bed.

And she shows up, and he just takes her back, and tosses me to the side.  It’s killing me today.  Just killing me.  So much rejection, so suddenly.

I just had a glimmer though, a small one.  I thought how a week ago, he called me dumb because I misunderstood his two word communications when he was in NJ.  How angry it made me.  How unnecessary it was for him to talk to me like that.  I knew it was because he was in a bad mood from his sisters, and taking it out on me.  When I stood up to it, it got worse.  He was swearing at me, because I misunderstood him.  He had forgotten his phone charger altogether, and was trying to save the battery.  He’s always had one in the car, I’m pretty sure, and I just assumed that since he was driving he was able to charge the phone. that he only hadn’t been able to charge it when he was in his sisters house.  I told him he was the stupid one for forgetting the charger, and that he was also an asshole for calling me dumb and everything else he called me.  And later that evening, when I knew he was home and wasn’t contacting me, I sent him an email, telling him that I missed the man I thought he was, but the one that showed up that day, I didn’t want within 100 miles of me.

So the question I’m asking, that’s given me a little glimmer, is….If he were to decide he didn’t want to be with her, and wanted to be with me, do I really want that back in my life?  Because that’s our two week cycle.  I still don’t want to that man, that calls me names, and flashes his anger like a weapon, within 100 miles of me.  I only want the funny one, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tells great stories, and the one who is so physically passionate, though selfish. I can’t have one without the other. And I really don’t want the other.

That answer makes it easier to deal with the fact that he’s with her right now.  Tears have finally stopped.  If I remove Betty Boop from the equation, it is all the same.  He and I can’t work for more that 2 weeks without a blow up.  That book needed to be closed.

God, I have come full circle with this blog.

Writing is so therapeutic.  I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t write and work this stuff out.  I didn’t expect this to go here, but here I am.  My circle may look like the one in the picture, full of twists and turns. It may be convoluted, but I ended up back where I was before Betty Boop showed up.

Wanting, or Needing? I Know My Answer

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was late. The pain was still raw, as if I’d had surgery done on my heart. The anger visceral, because it covered the pain. Demons gnawed at my very sinew, baring their bloody teeth. Some of them churned my stomach, like a hurricane in the middle of my body. My breath, my very breath, was being stolen from me. I could feel the fury coursing through my veins, my eyes and head and heart pounding in an evil dance.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t want to get in.” I said, to nobody. “Maybe I’ll go sleep on the couch. Then I won’t think of him. Sleeping with her, never with me again.” Although loathe to sleep in my bed, I knew I had to do put one leg in, then the other. Lay on the pillows that we used to share. I had to be comfortable in my own bed.

But first, I put on a nightgown. So I wouldn’t have visions of him, not next to me naked. Next to her naked. So I wouldn’t feel the luxury of the sheets on my skin. So I could avoid the worst pain.

I sat on the edge of the bed again. I had to know. “Is she sleeping in your bed?” I asked. “No.” I drew out some more anger, to mask the pain.

Sleeping pills and wine… I got a little sleep somehow.

I woke 2 hours later, it was 3 AM. I called him, but he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to know. I needed to know. How long had I been the fool?

I’m still the fool. Because I still let it hurt me. Because I still allow the anger to consume me. Because he’s not worth it, he’s never given me back anything. Yet, I sat there, sit here, empty. Wanting him to fill the void.

I guess I always did, and because he was here with me, I thought some day he would.

There’s always a lesson. Some people can’t. Just can’t, fill an emotional void. Some people run from the emotions. They don’t want to feel. So they numb. Numb with drugs, numb with alcohol, numb with cigarettes, numb with food. Some people numb the present by living in the past, because, you can rewrite your past. You can make a nightmare into a dream. Or a dream into a nightmare. And believe it.

I’m kind of getting it. Having someone who needs you to take care of them, keeps you from having to invest in them emotionally. “See, see what I did for you. How can you question my love for you?” “I gave you a kitchen, I bought you a car. Of course I love you.”

But something made her run, into the arms of another man. Who, of course, she didn’t even know, let alone love. A grown woman? No, an emotional teenager. And now she wants out, and of course, he will take care of it for her. Of course. It will prove that he loves her. Of course, it doesn’t prove that she loves him. It only proves that she needs  him.  Then when she runs again, after she is free….he can wear his pain like a badge, “All women hurt me. I don’t ever want to love again.”

All women, except me. I didn’t hurt him. But I didn’t want anything either. Except his love. That was it, that was all.  The one thing that he gives no one.  Not even himself.

But I’ll be gone. I’ll be in the arms and bed of someone who wants me, and doesn’t need to take care of me.

I don’t want to need anyone, nor do I want to be needed. But want, oh what a glorious thing that is, to want someone, and have them want you back. I’ll find him.

Disclaimer:  I don’t know for a fact that any of that about her is true.  It is my intuitions best guess.  Only time will tell.

Not Sure It’s Possible

Posted on by learning to live like water

  I’m not sure of the answer. I’m inclined to say “you don’t”. But I get through each moment that I think of him fondly by remembering the ugly that came with it. I absolutely know that if we got together again, in 2 weeks the ugly would show up, and make me regret it.  So I remain by myself, open to the possibilities. One day at a time.  

We Can Always Choose Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning I listened to Deepak Chopra say “If we have a choice between love and grievance, we can always choose love.”  He went on to talk about noticing and allowing into our hearts the abundance of love all around us.

So I began my meditation with that thought, because although I sit out here on my deck alone, I can feel love from many sources.  It gives me strength.  Then I took that strength and focused on visualizing my good health, my financial abundance, selling my house for what I need to get for it, finding the perfect spot in Florida.  Maybe even finding the love of my life.

Asking, believing and receiving.  Three simple steps to achieving the life you want.  I’m going back to that place, so simple yet so effective it has been in my life.

I had this surgery with no pain, and honestly, there have been other rather profound changes in my life, in my psyche, that have occurred in these last 4 days,  None of them painful.  Just forward motion. It’s a good experience, to be able to close a book and open another without a huge amount of drama.

Breathing deeply, and counting my blessings.  Sending love and light to all.