Category Archives: Letting Go

Whatever Remains, Let It Go

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_1997.JPG

It was quiet by the ocean yesterday.  There were other people in the park, couples walking their dogs, or walking the walking paths, kids flying kits.  Not many on the beach though. maybe a half dozen.  I was alone, a few people were alone as well.

The park is an old estate, complete with a 40 room mansion, now used mostly for weddings.  I went to one there once, we were walking around the mansion, pretending we were actors in Downtown Abbey.  There are all kinds of formal gardens, and one has a statue of a Buddha in it.  Usually when I go, I offer something from the sea to the Buddha, a pretty stone or shell.  I did so yesterday too, and set it down with the intention of letting go.

I had done something others might feel was foolish before I went.  S used to talk a lot about when a relationship ends wanting closure.  I had been feeling that I wished it didn’t end so ugly, though I don’t know what other outcome there could have been, when there were so many lies and deceptions, all by him.

But I texted him, just saying I would be there, if he’d like to talk, and get some closure.  I didn’t have any expectation that he’d come, I didn’t really care if he came.  I have had a feeling that he’s a wreck, I thought it might be something he needed.  But there was no answer, which is answer enough in itself.  I won’t ask again.  It was for him, not for me.  And really, what closure would there be?  He probably blames me that he’s lost Betty, not himself.  I doubt very much that at this late date, he is ever going to own his story, this story, that he created to fail.

It makes me sad for him, but it’s his journey.  I wash my hands of it.  If he wants to reach me he knows how.  But since he didn’t respond to the text, I’m pretty sure he won’t try, at least not for a long time.

In the meantime, I am loving having a drama-free life.  I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me.  There was constant never ending drama, even before the breakup.  There was him always wanting to see me for a few hours, me fighting it, me wanting him, me trying to understand what was going on.  I was spending so much time and energy on him.  And now, I have a lot of time and energy for myself, my son, my home, my friends, and who knows what else. It’s like breathing again.

A has been in constant communication with me from Santa Fe.  He was dating a woman who a couple weeks ago decided they would just be friends, which he was ok with.  Then asked him to her hot tub.  He was going to go.  Then he sent her by accident a picture of himself, meant for me.  It was just his normal good morning sweet Deb picture, but she took exception to it, though he says she knew about me, and also, that they were just friends.  Then yesterday she told him he wasn’t giving her enough attention or courting her properly….

He said, this is way too confusing.  Too much drama.  I’m afraid this is goodbye.

I kind of felt bad for him, but really…she sounds like she had mixed emotions, and was so inconsistent.  He was fine, but a little frustrated, confused by it.  I think I helped him understand it a little, and I was glad to be there for him.  He has talked me down so many times. He asked if my life was still drama-free, and I was happy to tell him yes.

I do miss S, from time to time.  But I always remember him before last spring, when she came back.  When I remember what transpired between last spring and now….it is easy to walk away from it, and put it all behind me.  I’m still looking, but I have the feeling that the man I’m looking for will be in Florida when I move there.

Just some introspective thoughts today.  Morning meditation:  Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.  Whatever remains, let it go.

Love and light.

PS  The picture at the top I took yesterday.  It is where I own a boat slip.  It reminds me to keep my perspective on what a small part of my journey the last 18 months really is.

 

 

Feeling Content

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

contentment-275x206Putting up Christmas decorations today. All but the tree. I’ll get to that maybe tonight, the lights at least. The rest of it tomorrow.

I didn’t go to the sweat lodge today. The sweat lodge tends to be emotional, a way to release, to reconnect with yourself at the deepest level. It’s good, sometimes. But I have been emotional now for so long. Riding the roller coaster of emotions, I just didn’t want to be emotional today. Or this weekend. I am sick of my emotions, sick of crying, sick of being angry, sick of it all. I just want to move on, and live a normal life, with all that chaos and drama in the past. Where it belongs.

So, in addition to the Christmas decorations I did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, put stuff away as I took stuff out, lol.  I also managed to get my new computer updated so I could install the printer without freezing the computer.  And I had to work at downloading Open Office too.  But I got it all done, seems to be working ok.  Every time I installed the new printer on this computer it would lock it up and I’d have to reset it to the initial settings.  Grrr.

Then I sat down to take a break. I found a movie I’ve wanted to see on On-Demand, for free. It was A Winter’s Tale, with Colin Firth and Russell Crowe. I had a few mixed emotions about it.

Scott had given me the book last spring, one of the last times I was at his house. It was a nice gesture. He said he just thought I might like it, a blend of fantasy, and fiction, love across the ages. A few weeks later he began to push me away, because she was back, unknown to me. I loved the book, it is one of my favorite books now.

One of the many times I tried to break it off with him, he asked me to give him the book back. He’d also given me another, Jitterbug Perfume. I guess at some point, I got angry with his little offers of a “nice afternoon” or to come over after work, and never stay. I told him not to come at all, if he wouldn’t stay. What he wanted I didn’t. I sent both books back to him after buying my own copies off of ebay for less than $5 each, including shipping. The break-up didn’t last, we reconciled after a few days. I probably gave in to him, but he might have come for the night too, that happened a couple times. I was just so crazy about him. Geezus.

Anyway, there was a lot of his energy around the movie. I was pretty sure I could deal with the triggers. As it turned out, there were not really any triggers, but the movie was well acted but terrible if you’ve read the book. I didn’t see how they could make a movie of it that would run less than say, 5 hours. Well they did, because they changed the story, and left out huge important parts of it. So….read the book, don’t watch the movie, lol.

The other book, Jitterbug Perfume, is in my desk at work. I started it before we broke up, I read the first few chapters and liked it too. But I’ve picked it up since and it just made me angry and hurt, and I can’t even look at it. Now that I have the facts, I just get disgusted looking at it, so it will stay in my desk drawer at work, where I will hardly ever see it.

Last night I slept without Ambien for the first time in months. I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel, it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain. Then I kept taking it when Scott dumped me, so I could get 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I’ve been afraid to not take it, afraid I wouldn’t sleep. But last night I did ok. I woke up a couple times but got back to sleep.

I got a couple messages from men on a dating site, (NOT OKCupid where I met S!). I’ve messaged with one of them before, and he said he’s looking forward to talking this week. That would be nice. The other guy wrote a very funny message, he made me laugh. Very outside the box, interesting writing style. He’s not my type physically, but his message made me laugh so hard, I answered it anyway. You never know. I love to laugh.

Talked to A this morning for a long while. He has met a woman in Michigan on-line….I was like, A, it’s so far!!! He wants so badly to be in love, he still loves me so much, I know. He told me so twice this morning. But he’s respectful of my wishes, of the fact that I don’t want a long distance relationship, that our chemistry isn’t like that for me. He says he’s going to go to MI to meet this woman, that’s almost as far as here. I’m afraid for him but it’s his deal. He said he will talk to me about it. I told him to trust his gut, that he doesn’t need my energy in the mix. (He said it already is.) I really want him to be happy. He is such a good loving soul. We have never lied to each other, never led each other on. I know I have broken his heart, a couple times, but I did it honestly, I let him know what was going on, and how I felt; He was never blindsided. I owned it, and I stayed with him while he dealt with it. We have had some very tender moments, moments which were real.

It’s nice to have had a few tender moments that were real with a man.

Last night he said he probably needs to live alone for awhile. Because he never has. He lost his wife to cancer in July of 2014. His son lives with him. He said, he is trying to learn how to “uncouple”. I told him I’ve been uncoupled for a long long while (9 years). I don’t include having been with Scott as having been a couple. I was crazy in love with him, but he never let us be a couple. I look back and have to just let it all go, I don’t think it meant anything to him at all.

My son is having “Friendsgiving” tonight at our house.  That should be interesting.  They will stay in his space, he said they’re all bringing food.  I love that energy.

It’s been a nice day, just getting stuff done, no exhausting emotions around anything. Feeling content, looking forward with a smile.

Releasing the Past, With Love and Light

Posted on by learning to live like water

I did a meditation this morning on releasing the past.  Bits and pieces of memories still pop up from time to time, usually first thing in the morning, and I ask the universe, why?  He just so didn’t have to do that to me.

So, I’m trying to just find a way to let those memories come and go, and not unpack and take up a room in my psyche.  The guide in the meditation suggested re-framing those things, realizing that people who did things that hurt us were acting from their level of consciousness at the time.  Brene Brown, in her book Rising Strong, has a whole chapter on the debate as to whether or not people are doing the best they can.

When I went to the wedding in VA, a couple of weeks after I was devastated by S, I read that chapter of Brene’s book on the plane.  I had to stop reading, when I read that, and hugged the book to me and looked out the window, tears in my eyes.  I sent him a text, when the plane landed, and told him that I knew he was doing the best he could.  And so was I.

But that was before I found out that he’d been lying to me all summer.  That’s when I thought they had just gotten back together the weekend he dumped me.

Now I ask, do I have to still accept that he was doing the best he could?

Do I have to accept that when he would tell me he wanted to be alone, that he didn’t want a loving relationship right now, he wanted to find himself, all the while the truth having been that he was seeing Betty Boop on the weekend, that he was doing the best that he could?  When I would tell him to let me go, and he would ask me not to go, when he would tell me how he missed me, and come to see me, all the while lying to me, and to her, was he doing the best he could?

Do I have to accept that?

It seems naive.  It seems false.  He knew neither of us would share him, if we knew.  And he played us both to keep us in his life.  He played me harder than her, because she had no idea he was doing anything other than spending Saturday night with her.  She had no desires that weren’t getting met, she had no longing he wasn’t fulfilling.  I had them every day, and every day I had to hear what I now know was another lie as to why he wasn’t available.  I was far more work…and got far less.

But back to the question, was he doing the best he could?

I wish I could say yes.  I wish I could say yes, and just forgive it and move on from it.  Sometimes I can.  More and more of the time.  But sometimes I say, this is a smart man. It was one of the things I loved about him, was how smart he was, how he could discuss almost anything, could solve problems, could fix things.  This is a man with whom I was so clear…he would get aggravated with me for saying the same thing over and over in a million different ways to make sure he understood me.  I never wanted to hear from him, or another man, that they didn’t know how I felt.  He knew, unequivocally, how I felt.  And how Betty felt for that matter.  At least, that’s what he told me back at the beginning of our relationship, that she had told him that she wouldn’t tolerate him cheating on her.

Was he doing the best he could?  God, I hope not.  I hope he knows better than to treat people he loves in that way.  There was no honor, no respect, not even a tiny bit of love for either of us, in his actions.  It was just self-serving, it was stealing our love, and our energy, to fill his holes.

Perhaps therein lies the problem.  His holes.  He has so many….and I knew of them.  He told me.  He told me so many things, of his past.  Things that were horrible, that he lived through.  That he did.  Things that he swore he’d never told another soul, and didn’t know why he was telling me.  I still will hold his confidence, and never tell a soul those things.   I never judged him for any of it.  It was all in the past, way past, and I always felt that his experiences made him into the man I loved.  Let me say, though, that the knowledge of these things, allowed me to always see his inner child, the one who just wanted to be loved like all children do.  I gave him an inner child crystal early in our relationship, after he told me some of these things, which he used to keep next to his bed.  When we broke up over the prison whore, I think it was, he threw it into the river near his house.

I suppose it doesn’t matter how smart he is.  I suppose that what happened to him, and the way he acted out on it in his lifetime don’t have anything to do with his ability to solve problems, and do the work he does.  Emotionally, with me and Betty, he was doing the best he could.  He had two women who loved him the way he always wanted to be loved, unconditionally.  Although, I can’t speak for her.  I can only speak for me.  He didn’t want to lose that, but he knew he couldn’t keep us both if we knew about the other.  He lied and lied, to create a false world, a different world for each of us, so we would stay in his life, and continue to love him.  Fear…of losing what felt so good to him.  What is not love, is fear.

The answer is, yes, I guess he was doing the best he could.   The best he could was destined to eventually blow up in his face.  And mine.  And hers.  It was destined to absolutely devastate me.  I assume it did Betty also.  I think it has more than anything devastated S, because he now has neither of us (unless Betty has forgiven him, but I kinda don’t think that’s happened….) and has none of that unconditional love that he had.

If he had been honest with me in the beginning, when he began the song and dance about wanting to be alone,  we would still be friends. If he had just told me that then they had talked and he really wanted to see if they had a future. That he still had a lot of feelings for her.  If he had just been honest.   We would still be talking.  The hurt would have just been hurt, it never would have turned to anger, it never had to affect Betty at all.

I told him, so many times, that I would always love him.  That the love I gave to him he could take to the grave with him.  My heart still aches for that child, the one who steered the riverboat right into the deep and was lost.  My heart also sees the grown man, who denied the light, who fought for the darkness, who chose to allow his darkness to hurt people who loved him.  That was a choice.  No matter what he felt emotionally, he knew it was wrong.  He should have made another choice.

He can’t undo what he has done.  He can only make different choices going forward.  As can I.  I have to, as the meditation suggested, re-frame his actions, realizing that what he did reflected his level of consciousness at that time.   The pain is down to the level of a thorn stuck in my thumb every once in awhile, that needs extracting. I keep wondering why I keep grabbing the thornbush, and don’t just walk away from it.

I’ll attempt to do that, so that I can fully let it go, with love and light.  I can wish for him, that in his final years, he will welcome the light that I always saw in him, that he will learn to love himself enough to make himself proud from here on out.  To make decisions that he can live with, to be honorable, because I know right now, he’s having a hard time living with what he did to us.

Love and compassion are, apparently, and gratefully, my default settings, and I’ll return to those.

Love and light S. May you someday see the light in you that was always so apparent to me.

 

 

 

Just Some Observations

Posted on by learning to live like water

 I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal. 

I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us.  What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?

How could it not be special?  He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.”  How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?

Well, we always pay.  What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with.  No wonder his diabetes is back.  No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer.  Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night.  Nothing is for sure anymore.

I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist.  I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes.  I thought it had to do with his breathing.  Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.

It’s all just an observation now.  I look at what happened without emotion now.  It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.

You wake up, and say, it was just a dream.  An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.

I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze.  I’m letting go, with every word I write.  7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Two Stubborn Leaves

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

I texted with S yesterday, and this morning.  I think what was said, needed to be said.  A few of the pieces of my heart that had been so tentatively put back in place, crumbled and fell off.  I’ll pick them up, and put them back, and let the light in to heal them into something more beautiful.  I finally had to stop.  I can’t really do it.  I need to move on, not remind myself, or be reminded, of what was, and what happened.  There is no closure.  There is no way to end it well.  So we always just fade away, we don’t say good bye, we don’t say good luck, we don’t say anything.  I say, I’ll always love you.  He says, I miss you.

But he does nothing to change the decision he made.  We hang there, like the last stubborn leaves on a tree in the fall. Refusing to fall off, to be raked up, to be transformed.

I am about to let go.  I have to move on.  For real, not for a few days.

I may find the love of my life.  I may move by summer.  I will always love him.  But I will let go.  So I can go on living.  I’m tired.  I’m empty.  I’m letting go, strand by strand.  Soon the last one will slip out of my hands, and I’ll be gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consciously, with Love and Gratitude

Posted on by learning to live like water

I made a decision today, this afternoon, to consciously let go of the pain and heartbreak.  In order or me to be true to myself, I have to stick with my values, the idea that is the basis of who I am, my center.  It is a belief in the power and the importance of unconditional love.  I will let S go, with love and gratitude.  I will not become bitter, I will not be angry, I will not berate him, I will  not judge him.  I will love him, always.  But I will move on, and wish him peace.

A few months ago, he wrote a poem, called “Night and Day”.  It was about us, and how different we were, how we could never occupy the same space.  I posted it, but then took it down, because I wanted to keep it for myself.  It was sad, but real.  I hung on anyway.  But he was right, all along.  Our relationship was the beautiful dawn, and dusk, when the sun and the moon complement each other and set the sky ablaze.

I loved loving him.  It is really none of my business if he loved me or not, though I suspect he did in his own way.  He hated vulnerability, and could not put himself out there the way I could.  Our life experiences were opposite of each other.  But I love the man, his humor, his quirky way of seeing things, his intelligent off-beat brain.  I loved going to the beach with him, though it was always in winter, when it was cold.  We would have endless stretched of beach to ourselves, and took advantage of that when we could. There were many months that went by when we never had a bad moment.  Those are what I take away.

I have always put myself out there.  I’ll risk the pain of rejection, and really, in all my years this is the first time I’ve experienced it, because I’d rather risk that, than risk having regrets for not speaking up, not offering myself completely.  So, there are really no regrets here.  If he has any, I don’t know, it’s none of my business.  I have gone back to the light, he has receded into the darkness that he loves.  He feels safe there I think.  I get that.  I only feel safe when I can see, or when I love.  I never was any good at hiding.

I’m going to try to make this my last post about him.  I am going to try to write more about other things that are important to me, that drive me.  There may be a new man in my life, I don’t know yet where it’s going to go.  But I want to give it my energy, instead of hanging onto a relationship that was never going to work.

I sent him an email today, I said what I needed to say as lovingly as I could, and said goodbye.  I am glad he was in my life.  And now, I am determined to find joy in the divergent path.  In my mind, the relationship really ended last spring.  Alternately, we each tried to hang on to the parts of it we liked but they were never the same thing.

Day and night.  Night and day.  Can’t have one without the other.  Peace, S.  Love always, all ways.

Disconnection

Posted on by learning to live like water

I saw S last night.  It was a kind of swan song, I guess, though not so graceful as a swan.  We got a take out pizza and took it up to a park and ate it outside, it was nice out, about 70.  He had been asking me to talk to me, so I finally relented, having things of my own to ask, and to say.

I wrote a blog last night, and then took it down.  I wrote another shorter one, and put it up, but it’s not here this morning, so I don’t know what happened to that one.  No big deal. I had just begun to process what happened anyway, and I felt confused, disjointed.  I still do, I will for some time.

He says he is not “with” her.  That he still does not want some intense loving relationship with anyone.  Ok, I can buy that.  But he’s spent part of the last two weekends with her, so he obviously would rather be with her than me.  I suppose, because I do feel intensely about him.  There is nothing about me that is not passionate.  The way I loved him, the way I love the ocean, the way I write, the way I feel about anything.  She and he don’t talk all week, they never did, he told me that when I met him. He likes that.  They would get together on the weekend, for some of the time.  I can’t even fathom, a 12 year relationship in which i didn’t communicate with my significant other all week, but got together on the weekend for some semblance of intimacy.  I could not even consider it a relationship, to bed someone that I was not involved with 5 days a week, and then suddenly saw on the weekend.  It would be like being with a stranger.

He always complained I talked too much.  I think he and she occupy the same space at times, but don’t have much to say. He buries his feelings, they are not up for discussion.  My feelings…well, my heart is on my sleeve.  No one ever has to wonder how i feel.  It’s the only way to be connected to the rest of the human race.  I know it is the only way to allow love into my life, and creativity, and joy, and trust.  I know now that not everyone deserves to hear my story, to have my trust.  But still, I will only temper the ease with which I lean into vulnerability, I won’t change it.  I think all humans crave connection, I agree with Brene Brown that it is basic to the human psyche.

To fall in love with a man who wished no real connection….well, it was not something I ever considered, that there are people who freely admit they don’t want that deep, rich, full connection with others. In this way, I understand that part of why he is “with” her, or not “with” her, as he says.  She wants no connection, nor does he.  They are acquaintances, who share some physical intimacy at times, but not really connection, because then they go their separate ways and have no interest in maintaining the tie for the next week.  No deepening of it, no reveling in it.  Just do it, enjoy it, and go home.  It’s a lifestyle I can’t fathom, and can walk away from, and leave it to them.

Personally I think she wanted more, which is why she cheated on him and left him.  Perhaps, in practicing disconnect all those year, she was unable to put herself out for someone else, and after the infatuation wore off, she couldn’t connect with her new husband.  She also went back to what she was comfortable with.  I would expect that she is a lot like S, with walls up to keep people out, and herself walled in.  The fact that she could leave him when he was dying, and take all she could from him, is another thing altogether.

I still don’t understand, why he would invite back into his life, someone who did what she did to him.  He said he wipes the slate clean, he doesn’t hold a grudge.  I said, I don’t hold one with my ex either, I have forgiven him for what he did to me.  But would I welcome him, and that, back into my life?  No, never.  I know what chaos he can cause…I know he hasn’t changed.  I know what he would bring.  It’s one thing to forgive, it’s quite another to ask to be taken down again by inviting it back in.  But it’s not my cross to bear, and I won’t be there to pick up the pieces for him when she does it again.

In the meantime, he has the relationship with which he is comfortable.  Physical need fulfilled when he needs it, and not to have to give anything up.

The whole thing makes it much easier to let go.  I can love the man, I will always love the time we spent together on my deck, in my bed, driving around on excursions, our funny flirty texts. But knowing that what drives him is an intense desire to be alone, even when he is with someone, just allows me to let go.  It is the opposite of what drives me.

I love connection. I love intimacy, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.  I know there are men out there who love it too.  I now look forward to finding one, and putting S into the “someone that I once loved” category.  It’s where he wants to be.

He said, “Can we still know each other, can’t I still call you and see how you’re doing in Florida?”  I suppose, maybe someday, his voice won’t hurt me, it won’t remind me how I loved a man who wanted no part of it.  Maybe someday we can be “friends”. The trouble is I will never be that disconnected.  The love I feel for him will always be there between us, even when it’s buried, and I have let a new love into my heart, and built a relationship with someone who wants to reciprocate, I’m not sure I can ever talk to him without remembering.

Right now, I am looking forward to moving on, but I’m not moved on yet.  I still feel wrecked, broken, confused, rejected.  I had hoped for some tenderness from him last night, I guess that’s why I went, hoping he’d at least own the fact that his actions devastated me.  But there was none.  There was more him telling me it was my own fault, that he was honest with me.  He was….but he knew how I felt, and did nothing to mitigate the pain that what he was doing caused me.  I can own the fact that I loved him without limit, knowing he didn’t want to, and didn’t feel the same. But so what, he knew.  He spent time with me knowing how I felt.  He pulled me back to him in every time I tried to leave. Why he did that I don’t know.  It was dishonest. There is something abusive about that, being pulled in, just to fulfill his ego, with no intention.  “I don’t want you to dump me” he said to me back then.  So, he wanted my adoration, he wanted what I did for him. And he used me, and threw me out.

Last night I realized that I am left by myself to find my way back.   He says he has feelings too.  And he’s all about what he’s feeling, making sure I understand what they are, but he’s not able to feel empathy for me.  Disconnect.  Walling oneself in, so no one can get in, and you can’t get out, and the only thing that matters is what you feel.  As I can’t comprehend the disconnect he has, he cannot fathom the love I felt.

He watched me cry and shake.  He made no move to comfort me.  He had no remorse, no empathy. Cold.

It was a little hard to take.

But he is who he is.  Like I said, I can much more easily let go.  I knew when I met with him, that if nothing else, I would get clarity.  And really, that’s all I got.  But it’s something. It is positive motion.  Pretty soon, I’ll stop writing about him.  This blog will anger him I’m sure, but that seems to be all he can feel with me anyway.  Anger because I wanted to be with him, anger that I loved him and wanted him to love me back.  Anger that I wasn’t satisfied with the non-loving relationship he’s been trying to push on me for 6 months now. Anger that I can write so openly about him and I.  Don’t worry S, no one will ever know who you are.  She walked back into his life, and he could suddenly have that disconnected, shallow relationship that he wants, where he doesn’t have to give anything of himself.  Oh, maybe money, maybe things, but not anything of himself.

It was me who finally said, “We really don’t have anything to talk about” and got up to walk to the car.  There was no hug and kiss goodbye, there was nothing said.  I gave him the pizza I’d bought, that i didn’t eat one piece of. We just each got in our car, and drove home, knowing that there really was no way back.

Disconnected. Over. Done.

Onward, as Liz Gilbert says.  Onward.

Add-on:  I just remembered, when I talked to him on that fateful Saturday, when he told me he was going to be with her, I asked  him if she knew that he texted me at 4 am, that he asked for pictures of me the night before.  He said, no.  I said “well tell her, she deserves to know the truth. ” When he objected, I said, you tell her, or I will do everything in my power to tell her myself.”  At that, he got furious, and threatened me, enough so that I screen-shot the text, for my own protection.  So, that he’s not “with” her seems to be her doing, not his.  He clearly thought he was “with” her when he spoke to me that morning, and didn’t want any interference of the truth to change it.  And now he rewrites history.

Set Back

Posted on by learning to live like water

I set myself back today, way back. I was so good this morning. And I cried all the way home, and haven’t stopped.  He started off with an angry text because of my last blog, Questions Without Answers.  I apologize to all of you, who were cheering me on.

First off, he’s with her.  Why is he even reading my blogs, and 2nd, why does he care what I write? What does it matter, she’s his life now, what I say is just peripheral, and should have no effect on him.  I have to write.  It’s my only outlet.  My friends are sick of listening to me cry.  Complain.  Bitch.  And cry some more.  I can’t even tell A, he has been so good to me, he loves me, but even he will want to excuse himself if I start up with him again.  This is all I have, and he hovers over it as if he cared, but he doesn’t.

He says he apologized.  I said, yes you apologized for choosing her, and breaking my heart.  You didn’t ever apologize for telling via text, like a 14 yr old adolescent boy, hit and run.  “I’m with someone else and I’m busy and I don’t want to talk about it.”  Never.  No apology.  You should have been here, face to face, and dealt with the devastation you caused like a man.  Not left me in the street bleeding. Not treated me like yesterday’s trash.

But this is all repetitive.

We texted for about 3 hours.  I told him that calling him a 14 yr old adolescent was only stating the obvious.  That everyone’s first words, were “Really???  Like a teenager?? How old is this guy?”  No one needed me to tell them how immature and cruel and thoughtless that was.

But it’s water over the dam now.  He wants her, I don’t want him.  Well, I do.  I will for a long time.  But he wants her, even if he didn’t want her, I could never ever expose my heart to this much pain again.

He told me I wasn’t devastated, just jealous.  Wow…..I said, Yeah I’m jealous.  A woman who is a whore, a bitch and a bimbo is sleeping with the man I love.  You BET I am jealous.

After I’d said that about 5 times, he asked why I keep trashing her.  I said, I call a spade a spade.  I had to learn to read people when I was married and divorcing a manipulative asshole.    She #1) makes sure she gets paid for her time with you.  A new kitchen, a new car, maybe help with her credit card debt.  Who knows this time, probably help with her divorce.  Just like the prison whore, just the stakes are higher.  No different than the $50 you paid the prison whore, just cost you way more. She #2) left you when you were diagnosed with untreatable liver cancer.  (A miracle experimental drug saved his life).  If that’s not being a total bitch, and devoid of any human feeling, I don’t know what is. She thought you were dying, and she left you. She #3) left you then, as soon as you were done with the kitchen, I think you said the day later on your birthday…to marry some man she’d been cheating on you with.  That’s a bimbo.  The definition of all 3, in Websters, should have her picture.  I asked him what he did to piss her off.  Because he says he hates my temper.  I said, oh, yeah, well I do have a temper, and I lose it and then I get over it, and I don’t hold a grudge once something is settled it’s settled.  I don’t store it up, so that I can fuck someone up 6 months later when they are at their most vulnerable moment.  Personally, I think THAT’S a bad temper.  And a devious one, and a manipulative one.  Mine, is flat out anger, at injustice usually. It is fiery for a few minutes.  Seems to me, that would be easier to deal with than having someone leave you when you’re sick, after they’ve gotten 10’s of $1000’s from you, to be with someone they cheated on you with.  But that’s just me.  I’d take the honesty any day.

And then I said, so she comes back to you.  And she’s so sweet and cunning, isn’t she….you just can’t resist….You don’t even know where she’s been all week?  Do you care? It is sickening, that that’s the kind of woman he wants.  Just sickening.  Fucked up.  Royally.

I think that’s when he told me to leave him alone.  But I didn’t….because I was on a roll.  And he didn’t either. But we did say some t things that weren’t ugly, that we both needed to say.  And I ended up in the bathroom at work, sitting in there, crying. Wondering how I was gonna finish the day.  Not devastated?  No, decimated.  Crushed. Used Up. Wrecked. Shattered.  Broken.  Bruised.  Beat up. DEVASTATED.

Someone else is in his bed and his heart, no, I’m not devastated.  He is denying it, but he knows it’s true.  He knows I loved him more than I can say.  He knows I gave him everything I could give him, and asked for nothing.  Those things he knows.

I will never ever be the same.  I will be ok, I will recover, but I will never ever be the same.  I will look twice before I trust again.  Maybe 3, 4, 10 times.  100 times.  I will hold onto my heart, and probably fuck it up with a good man because I’m so fucking scared to give my heart away again.  I’ll never go to a beach around here without wishing he were with me.  Good thing I’m moving.  New beaches, new places, where he won’t be ghosting my psyche all the time.  Even the town he lives in, I won’t want to go to anymore.  And it’s a beautiful little town. Lots of tourists because it’s so beautiful.

He wanted me to go to the beach with him yesterday, why didn’t I go?  “Do you think I want to see you when you are sleeping with someone else?  Do you think I want to look in those eyes and see someone else’s reflection?  Are you THAT cold, that you think that would be ok with me?”

He blasted me for being online, on a dating site.  Why does he care?  What does he expect.  Yes, I said.  Of course I am.  Of course I’m looking for a man that will soothe my aching heart, and make me forget about you.

So, I have been messaging with a nice man, looks nice in his pics, loves the ocean like me.  Seems we have something in common.  My heart isn’t in it, but I’m going to meet him for coffee after work one day, because I have to force myself to get out there, and stop sitting home making myself sick.  I got a nice message from a different man today, but too busy to check him out. I might respond, just to put the energy out there, just to get used to trying to deal with the fact that this is where I’m at. That the man I love wants someone else, and ruined me. The fact that she’s the kind of woman she is, only rubs salt in the wound. I have to start from square 1 again.

So, I guess I need to stop talking to him, again, because this is all that’s going to happen.  I’m gonna miss him more, and hurt more, and still know we can never be together.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide out.    He’s gonna get an ego boost out of my pain.  He’s going to keep me engaged.  I need to let go.

It’s only been a week and 2 days.  I guess I shouldn’t be beating myself up so much for still wanting him so much.

Silence is a Response

Posted on by learning to live like water

S responded to me at midnight last night.  Except, it was a non-response.  No mention of the cruel and juvenile way he told me about Betty Boop.  Instead he has chosen to make a battle of texting vs. talking.  I’m not talking, and since he can’t address my questions about why he did what he did, or own it, I don’t need any more information.  Not going to get into a battle over how we are going to communicate, for God’s sake.  The fact that I am, after what he did, is far enough for me to go.

I won’t play a game with him about this.  His first  two texts, which he said he wouldn’t do, were angry.  He says they weren’t, but he was swearing.  Again…he wants to argue over this.  I do not.  I only want to know he owns what he does, and the consequences of that.  Anything else is frivolous, really.  He has made his choice about who he wants in his life.  And I would never trust him again, so there’s not much to talk about.

He can ease my pain if he chooses, by owning up to what he did, but really…he doesn’t have to now.  His refusal tells me where he’s at.  He’ll say he has not refused, only refused to text.  Whatever.  I refuse to talk to him, I am the one bleeding and I don’t want to give up the layer of protection that texting vs. talking gives me. If he can’t respect that, and understand it, then so be it. Again, enough of an answer, to have him demand I talk to him.

I don’t have an answer about why he was so cruel, nor has he owned the fact that he is, and I’m done asking  for either.  I am fine this morning, with a greater understanding of why he chose her (in great part because I won’t let things go until they are resolved.  There is no lump under my carpet to trip on) and the realization that I really hate these endless circular conversations that never accomplish anything.  Either way, answer or not, it helps to pave the road to letting go, and moving on.

As I said yesterday, I know I broke the rule of NC yesterday, but it gave me clarity and helped my healing get off of the stuck place it was.  So I’m glad I followed my heart, and got the information that will help me let go.  It’s all good.