Questions

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to learn to stay in the moment.  I’m trying not to make up stories in my head, and even more, I’m trying not to believe the stories I tell myself.  Byron Katie teaches a method to inquire as to the truth of the stories we believe with the following 4 questions.

Do you know it’s true?  no.

(In case the first answer was yes)….Do you absolutely positively know it’s true?  No.

(If the answer is yes, then move forward based on that absolute truth.)

How do you feel when you think that thought?  Afraid, insecure, unloved, uncared for, disrespected, hurt, lonely.  (In other words, all the negative unhappy emotions that you can think of.)

Who would you be without that thought?  Content, patient, loving, self-assured, trusting, safe, busy, relaxed.

So why would I hold onto a thought that I don’t know (and in my heart don’t believe) is true, when it makes me feel like shit?

Because…history…triggers…fear…ego…

Ego.  Goddam ego, telling me maybe it’s true, and what will you do if it is, and how will it feel when you know it wasn’t real, you’re about to get blindsided, and yada yada yada.  Stupid monkey mind egoic voices screaming in my ear, “fear fear fear.”

In my marriage, I had to assume the opposite of what came out of his mouth was true. I had to take all the clues, and hints, (because there was always a piece of the truth in what he said, and he spun his lie around that truth) and then investigate and he never disappointed, he was always lying, when the whole truth came out.  It got so I didn’t even get mad, I couldn’t confront him with the truth, and expose his lies, because my anger and indignance at being lied to (again) only exacerbated the situation.  I just had to deal with the lies, work around them, discover the truth on my own, and then do my best to act based on whatever the truth actually was.

Of course, I was just burying anger, but that’s another blog.

I don’t have to do that anymore, but my mind is so trained to do it, I can’t seem to stop, unless I can find stillness somewhere.  I try hard to hold myself back from seeking constant reassurance.  I know it’s irritating, to people who have never lied to me.

So back to Byron Katie….my problem lies between acting on the third question and rising to the fourth, so that I don’t create problems that don’t exist.  The negative voices are so many, so deep-seated, they don’t want to let go. They tell me I’m being a fool. I fight to ignore them.  Because I know….they don’t have any good news, and are only afraid of losing their power.

Buddha teaches that attachment and desire are the causes of all pain….(or something like that…).  But how can we not be attached, nor desire the object of our affection?  When that attachment and desire is fulfilled, it is a beautiful thing.

I don’t know the answer to these questions. Well…I do know that I have to continue to try not to listen to my monkey mind.  I do know that I need to wait, to have patience, I have to let the truth make itself known, in its own time.  To fill my own time, and be flexible, because that’s what it takes right now.

Dancing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Dancing,

Circling each other,

Faster and faster.

skirts flying,

Hips swaying,

Torso undulating.

Breasts heaving.

Castenets clacking.

Heels clicking.

He pulls her into the enter of the circle.

Close enough

to glance into each other’s eyes.

He holds her for a moment

Only a moment,

Until the music tells him to send her away.

She spins outward

She cannot even touch his fingers.

The dance begins anew,

Over and over

round and round,

embracing for a moment only

Then parted, waiting for the music

to draw them together

For another momentary embrace.

Never easing the hunger

of that erotic dance

Never close enough to tell a secret

Or catch a scent.

Or rest in the arms

Of the lover they can’t touch.

The erotic dance goes on

Spinning til there is no more breath

Circling until the heart races

Longing, Longing

Until insides churn.

The wistful yearning

gives way to the emptiness.

All desire to dance gives way

to desire to just live.

Morning Stars and Hurricanes

Posted on by learning to live like water

Hard time waking up this morning.  I was in such a deep sleep.  I don’t use an alarm, and woke at my regular time, around 5:15 AM, or 5:30, but I kept dozing off for minutes, again, and I slept well, and 7 hours.  It’s as if the many nights I have slept badly are all trying to get undone.  There was a text from S, about 10 minutes after I shut off the light next to my bed, that I didn’t even hear the alert for.  Dead to the world.

When I finally crawled out of bed, shaking the cobwebs from my head, and wandered into the kitchen, it was very dark, darker than normal, because it’s a rainy dank week, and very cloudy.  But the skies must have cleared for a moment in just the spot where the last morning star this time of year shines.  I looked out my kitchen window, as I made coffee and saw it shining, like a beacon, like a gift.  One beautiful star…..It was gone again moments later,covered over again by clouds.

A little gift from the universe.  As was finding the text from S when I woke up.  As are a lot of things I often don’t bother to be grateful for.

We’re supposed to get Hurricane Joaquin Sunday night and Monday.  It’s now a Cat 3 storm.  Not likely at all that it will miss us completely.  This weekend will be storm preparations, even today, I’m going to go to the store and stock up on water, and foods that I can prepare in advance of having no power for a few days.  I live about 30 or 40 miles from the coast as the crow flies.  It wont be the worst, but we’ll feel it.  Last tropical storm we had 4 years ago we lost power for 3 days, and that was a short time, many were out a week or more.  UGH.

I’ll keep in mind the morning star….and know that it’s there under the clouds.  And will return, when the storm is over.

Dreaming in the Rain

Posted on by learning to live like water

The downpour in the middle of the night woke me.

My windows were open, and the sound was almost musical

As it landed on the roof, and the window sills.

I sleepily wandered under the covers,

The sheets sliding against my bare skin

Looking for you.

I thought I heard you breathing,

I thought I could faintly smell your scent in the air..

I thought I felt your heat, warming the bed.

It was a dream I had

In the cool dark rain

That you were with me.

What wondrous things we might have done,

If you were there.

The downpour faded away

And I melted back into a contented sleep

Hoping for another dream of you.

The Gift of Being Heard

Posted on by learning to live like water

Grateful this morning.

The words spoke of compassion

Of understanding

and set my mind and heart

at ease.

Feeling grateful today.

No minds were changed,

They didn’t need to be.

But connection was made.

You are you,

I am me.

I hear you.

I hear you.

What a gift to be heard.

To be acknowledged.

And accepted.

Perhaps, the angst

was eclipsed .

With the darkness of the night,

And set free as the light of the full moon returned.

Grateful.

The Eclipse and Relationships

Posted on by learning to live like water

Tonight is the lunar eclipse.  I’m not sure it will be visible here, there are some low clouds coming in tonight, but they may hold off til later.  I found an article about the eclipse, which included some information about the eclipses possible effect on relationships, and it’s astrological significance.  It actually, in the context of my life, seemed fairly accurate.

S was more knowledgeable about astrology than I.  I am an Aries….He used to accuse me of being pushy, “ramming” my points home, when I wanted something or believed it.  I think he was right.  I have been trying recently, to push not so much with my head but with my heart.  I can still be assertive…but I’m trying, mindfully, to be kinder about it, more loving.

The article states “Saturday’s full moon falls in the first degree of fire sign Aries, which is why this eclipse carries strong energies related to assertiveness, action and individualism.”  In the days leading up to this, I have been assertive, though not demanding, about what I want from a relationship.  And S, too, has been assertive about what he wants.  And the two are not the same.

This paragraph really struck me:

“This eclipse marks the ending of the lunar tetrad cycle along the Libra-Aries axis that began in April of last year. Each of these eclipses has challenged us in different ways to assert our own personal needs, while also recognizing the importance of caring for others. Since this cycle began, many of us have experienced intense personal and relational challenges and growth. Many of my relationships are barely recognizable compared to where they were when this cycle began last year. It is time to reflect upon these changes, transformations, births and deaths, and integrate how they shape your path for the future. With endings, come new beginnings.”

And yes, my relationship with S is barely recognizable  compared to last fall, when we saw each other once or twice a week.  When he asked me, on a drive, if I could “Just sit there and be beautiful.”  Lol.  Sweet memories, is all.  Everything changes, evolves….and who knows where any story will end up.

I had talked with S about watching the eclipse with me tonight, but this morning, it seems that that concept is pretty much off the table., since I have not heard from him since Friday, when he rather curtly dismissed me, because I stood my ground.  I know he was probably frustrated, and not understanding me, I have always relented in the past, and I have steadfastly told him that I love him.  I think the two ideas are incongruous to him.  I had been ignoring reality, imagining that it would be different than it was, before.  I realize the truth now, and have to make changes that I can live with, decisions that don’t cause me to blow up in anger, frustration, at myself, for believing what was not true, and burying my own emotions.  In the words of Iyanla Van Zant (paraphrased, I cannot find the original quote),”The things you bury, do not die.  They rot and fester and make you sick.”

I wish him well.  I send him love.  I wish him peace.  He will always have a very special place in my heart.

Another relationship that has transformed in the last 6 months is my relationship with my older sister, who is a Libra…the other side of this axis.  Contentious at best last spring as she dealt with really hard issues for the first time in her life, to a closeness now that I absolutely treasure.  I will see her in 3 weeks, when her daughter gets married, up in the incredibly beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.  I cannot wait to spend 4 days with my family.  My younger sister is coming with her 4 adult children and I think possibly her grandchildren.  I can only hope.  It will be lovely.  Just lovely.

This is the link to the article, if you want to read the whole article.  There’s other good information in it on the eclipse as well.

http://themindunleashed.org/2015/09/5-facts-about-sundays-total-lunar-eclipse-including-how-it-could-affect-your-relationships.html

Inadequacy

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
Words are all I have. 

And the written word at that. 

I tried to make them real

Honest

Complete

Soulful

Heartfelt

Meaning

Felt by my heart. 

Sometimes, an ache runs through it, 

my heart, 

Memories 

And intent

Soften the ache. 

A little. 

Reality makes it fade

As I remember 

That those blue eyes 

Never ached for me. 

Words. 

Inadequate. 

Golden Silence

Posted on by learning to live like water

A nice day.

A nice evening.

I can be happy without him.

I wasn’t sure.

But fact is,

we were night and day,

never to occupy the same space.

Maybe I accepted it, finally.

Maybe he forced me by his 24 hours of silence.

Perhaps,

silence really is golden.

The words

that could be spoken,

are redundant,

not necessary.

So, better to have silence,

to remember the past fondly,

And let it go.

Sundogs and Gongs

Posted on by learning to live like water


It’s a beautiful morning this morning.  Cool, not cold, the leaves are beginning to turn in earnest, and the sunrise painted the sky.  (I took the pic from my deck at about 6:30).  Promises to be a good day.

I went to a gong bath last night.  It was really good to see my old friend.  She had such a struggle in the past years, but has come out on the other side whole, with even more compassion than ever, more love than ever. The energy in the room was calm, healing. She has done some interesting things since she recovered from her cancer and her long time (20+ years) ended.  She told me she used to ask herself why all this happened to her, and really struggled with it.  She came to the conclusion she may never know and she’s no longer asking.  I smiled at her and said, “You always used to tell me I didn’t need to know….”  And she laughed, because she walked through a lot of my divorce/custody stuff with me.  She was not a close close friend, but was kind of a spiritual adviser.  Through her I found the gongs, found meditation, found a path that has worked for me.

The gongs worked their magic.  I went to purposefully try to make some sense, in my heart, of my relationship with S.  I think I was able to do that, though it will probably take some time to settle out.  When it was over, I realized my eyes and eyelashes were moist  I had not known that I had been crying at all.  I felt kind of drained….but knew that that feeling would not stay, I knew that it was just emotions being released, and replaced, and acknowledged.

Yesterday I saw two sundogs….once on the way to work, once while I was at lunch.  I was texting with S, and the conversation ended badly.  He seemed angry, I was frustrated.  During that conversation I saw the second sun dog.  They have always been a good sign for me, a sign that everything will be ok.  That there is a greater power, that can do miraculous things like put an aura around the sun, and that the world is indeed unfolding as it should.  (In case you have never seen one, this is a google pic.  I only saw one, the one to the right of the sun.  It showed as a sideways rainbow, with a glowing spot in the middle.)

As I said to my friend…we don’t have to know why, just accept enjoy the fact that they exist.  Accept and enjoy our lives.  When one door closes another will really open, the universe is conspiring to bring us what we ask for.

My prayer has always been that I would know the love of a good man before I die.  I still believe that is coming toward me. I’m guessing that things not working out with S, if they don’t, has been so that I have room in my heart for the right man when he shows up.  And that maybe I’ll be able to recognize him when he does.  I still will always love S, but I know I can let go of any dream I had that he was the one.

Anyway, I’m not sure the story with S is fully written.  I’ll just see what happens, and follow my intuition and my heart.  I’ll continue doing those things that make me stronger, meditating, gong baths, connecting with people, writing, being creative, taking care of my house, celebrating that I have a rich full life.