I’m going comfortably numb again.
Speaking, without being heard.
Loving, and being alone.
Hurting, without relief.
Or, numb.
Numb, my choice at the moment.
No dreams that won’t come true.
No feelings that will
overwhelm
and
break
my
heart
again.
No need to acknowledge,
Again
The bitter truth.
Or to taste it
When the salty tears
and snot
run down my face.
Numb,
much better,
Much safer
For tonight.
I’m trying to find some peace with the coming weekend. I’m going to another gong bath tonight. This one is not presented by the same couple who do the ones I usually go to. But the woman who does this one is an old friend, and I have not seen her in a couple of years. She stopped doing them for awhile, she was very ill, and then her relationship broke up, and her significant other of 20 years was her partner in playing the gongs. She has put it back together now, has a new gong player with her. I am happy to see her back to her life after all the trauma.
It is held at a a hospital cancer center, in the community room. I used to go regularly to this place, years ago. In fact have done some really tremendous healing there. I think because many of those who attend are cancer patients, and their intention is serious healing, so the energy of the room is palpable with healing intent. This is kind of the set up (it’s a google pic.)
I think it will be a good way to start the weekend.
I’ll get my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow. I may try to mow the lawn, I haven’t been able to do it all summer because of the carpal tunnel, but I think my surgery is healed enough I can try it. And maybe kill the grass growing between the bricks in my walkways around the house. Sunday, maybe I’ll finally get the garage cleaned. Hopefully, I’ll connect with friends at some time over the weekend.
I will miss S, I will be ok. We still talk every day, the intensity is there, as always, between us. But neither of us can change who we are, and what we want. Wish it weren’t so. Love that man so much.
I hope the sky is clear Sunday night, for the supermoon lunar eclipse. The full moon always rises over my deck. It is going to cloud up sometime Sunday night, I hope it waits until the eclipse is over. I had wanted S to come and watch it with me. But probably not a good idea, to see him will make me want more those things that I cannot have.
Hope everyone enjoys their weekend. Love and light to all.
Pulling…
My shoulders about to dislocate from my body
My hands blistered,
Hanging on.
Then push….
I snap back,
I hit the wall
I crumple to the ground.
I lay there, still
hoping the pushing and pulling
just stops.
I want excruciating joy.
That’s all.
I can’t write what I feel this morning. Because he reads what I write, it would not be helpful to say it again, what he already knows. Besides, the words escape me this morning, I can only feel, and know I can only sit with my feelings.
It’s another gorgeous New England autumn day again today. Wish I could skip work, and go to a park at the ocean, or maybe the big fair that goes on every fall an hour from here. Something, besides sit with my emotions. I need to distract myself. I am tired of working, and coming home, and going to bed, and repeating. Even the weekend holds no promise of distraction, only time to change the work from employment to taking care of my house. Feeling confined, and alone, tired of my solitary life.
Connection. I need connection, on a deep sweet intimate level. I suppose there’s a reason I feel alone today. And I suppose I will figure it out. The universe may remedy it anyway.
Trying to stay in the moment. It will all turn out ok…Everything will be ok in the end.
How do we measure our strength? I don’t mean the ability to bench press 500 lbs.
I mean emotional strength. Is strength the ability not to cry when you are in pain? Or is it the willingness to say I hurt, I hurt so much I think I might die, but I’m not going to stop feeling, or loving, or become something ugly.
Is strength the willingness to hide who you are and all your feelings behind a wall? Or is it the willingness to take the wall down, brick by brick, so you can travel past it, even with no reassurance what is on the other side?
Isn’t vulnerability an incredible strength? Doesn’t a willingness to put yourself out there, fully, not knowing the outcome, demonstrate strength?
During my divorce trial, my ex’s attorney approached me on the witness stand where I spend a full day and a half, and said, “You’re making your ex look pretty bad here.” I said, “Look, I just want it all out on the table, for once…and what happens from that is what happens.” (He didn’t need any help from me to look bad….)
But yeah, I was willing to just tell it like it was, not knowing the outcome. I was sick of secrets, sick of hiding things, sick of having to stuff the emotions that he engendered from me, stuffing them out of fear of his temper. I was willing to be vulnerable, vulnerable enough to let the truth out.
With S, I was the first and only one of us to say “I love you.” I think that makes me strong. I want the truth out on the table. What is protected by hiding the way you feel? And when it falls apart, as it seems to be, I know I gave it my all, I know that I laid it out on the table, I know I held back nothing. (I want it to be clear here, that S never misled me. He is an honorable and decent man. The truth was always on the table with him.)
As I work through the emotions, that so far have alternated between sheer anguish and pervasive numbness, I know I am strong. I was willing to say it, not knowing the outcome. I am strong enough to sit with my emotions, and work through them. To learn whatever lessons are here to be learned, and most importantly, to continue to love him, unconditionally.
Because love, love….is what we are here for. It is what life is all about. I am so grateful that I can feel so deeply, can be so passionate, can hurt so much because it means I can love so much. I’d do it again, I will do it again.
Unless, of course, I find someone who is more willing than me, and beats me to it.
I had a difficult night, and only slept a few hours. Today will be a long day, but I’ll get through it. My ginger kitty, Maggie, was so sweet. She heard me break down, in the dark, and jumped up and sat next to me, licking my hand and my arm, to tell me she loved me. She lay down beside me with her head on my arm, to comfort me.
Letting go is so hard. It’s not just the person, it’s all you wished and prayed and hoped would happen. It all has to go, and it leaves a hole. A painful hole.
He called me, he wished there was something he could do for my pain, but in his honesty, anything he could have done would have been a lie, and he hasn’t ever lied to me about it. It’s one reason I love him, he just doesn’t lie, or make up stories to get what he wants. I told him give me a few days, I’ll be ok.
I have to remember what the psychic said….that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open. The problem is realizing and accepting that what I was so attached to was the wrong door. But it was.
At least my words are coming back
Breathing, just breathing, and grateful for my breath.
Just checking in. I don’t really have any words tonight, stepping back til I gather myself. But I wanted to say, that today I had my best day ever on WP! I don’t know why. I only posted this morning, and then kind of lost my capacity for expressing myself the rest of the day. So, I would have to say, it was the Universe trying to brighten my day. I am so utterly grateful for it, for all the people who visited my blog. Going back to making jewelry for a bit, I need to do something that doesn’t make me think about things that render me wordless.
Love to all..
My life generally has rolled along, in a calm, fairly smooth rhythm that I am comfortable with. Working, writing, making jewelry, cooking, reading, taking care of the house, hanging out with friends. For about a year, there was time with S included in that rhythm, but this summer he took himself out of it, needing to follow a slightly different path. I have missed him.
Lately, the energy has been chaotic. I had surgery, and before that had constant pain and was basically handicapped, unable to use my right hand. Work became so incredibly busy, 9 and 10 hour days have become the norm, and I’m still never caught up. My son started a new job. My old life has just disintegrated and disappeared before my eyes. Not a bad thing, mind you. Just….there were always remnants of it around. But now our business is closed and for sale, my ex is kicked out of our old house, my beautiful boat is being auctioned off for unpaid storage fees. Ex disappeared for about a week, which had no effect on me except it was just strange in too many ways. He surfaced yesterday, he called my son and gave him his new phone number. Based on the number, he is still in town. To be honest, I’d kind of hoped he had moved farther away, but then…he hates change. I should have known he’d stay in the town he has lived in or 40 years.
S and I…well anyone who follows my blog knows that that relationship has become tumultuous, difficult, painful…as we both go our separate ways but neither of us has been quite willing to let go, for different reasons. I’m trying to come to terms with that now, and I think some headway has been made. I love him, I always will. But our paths diverge, for now.
I look forward to getting back into my own rhythm. It won’t be the same. People, time, and events change us, grow us. I have grown. I have had a good look at myself recently, at my reactionary tendencies, and I know where my work lies ahead. I also know what I need from a relationship more clearly than ever. I have known for some time the direction I want my life to take, and I will forge ahead on that path.
This morning, for the next how ever many days it takes, I am going to just sit back and breathe. Try to assimilate all the big changes into my life, find the lessons, find some contentment with what is, let go of the things that aren’t and never will be. There’s another gong bath Friday, I am thinking I’ll go. Acceptance, I guess, is what I will strive for in the present.
I have always considered myself a happy person. While I don’t always feel happy, I always know that I will be, again. My faith that things will all be ok…is strong, I believe the universe is conspiring in my behalf. Living in the present, I’ll watch it unfold, and remember to be grateful.
4 more hours to work.
4 more hours til I’m alone with my thoughts.
4 more hours til I have to hold myself up.
4 more hours I can pretend
That I don’t have to decide.
4 more hours I can pretend
There’s a way to make it work.
Again. And again.
4 more hours til the night descends
And brings with it the darkness.
Darkness was never my friend.
4 more hours.
Too long. Not long enough.
Been thinking a lot about this…what is intimacy, really? And why are so many people afraid of it? Afraid of the difficult but fulfilling conversation that leads to true understanding of another? Why does some conversation, meant to be an opportunity to let another know who you are, become an attack on another? Why do people pretend to have intimate conversations via text and email, instead of taking time in their busy lives to talk to someone they feel intimate with, on any level?
Is it because the electronic communication makes us feel protected from hurt? Does it put another layer of resistance between, a speaking to, without actually looking in the eyes, or at least, hearing the words? Is it because a text can so easily be ignored, and explained away? “Oh I didn’t see your text?” “I didn’t understand what you were asking.” “I was busy…” “I didn’t check my email today yet.”
All could be true. And all could be a way to avoid intimacy. Why? Why do we mistake physical intimacy for personal, emotional, spiritual intimacy?
Questions, questions. There may be more to come on this….Lots of questions, few answers.
I took this picture of sunrise over the Inter-Coastal Waterway from the town dock in Long Boat Key, Florida.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
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