Tag Archives: alone.

Compromise, or Self Accountability?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Damn, I needed a glass of wine tonight.

First a little update. A bought the house. I got 2 or 3 group texts, with pictures…waxing poetic about Santa Fe. He got to Santa Fe on the weekend. Previously he spent less than a week there last winter. And in 3 days, he decided to change his mind completely about his lifestyle, and put a contract on a house, which he couldn’t even have had inspected yet. WTF? I kept thinking something is really wrong with him. Then later today, probably because he had no response from me about the house, I got a private text. I have NO idea how it got through, but he asked if I had the surgery. I deleted it without reading, or even opening, so it would show on is phone as “undelivered”. That really threw me, I mean, how does he get a text through when I have both his numbers blocked, and it’s coming from a blocked number? And made me more concerned about his motivation to do what he’s doing. I mean, that would be severely delusional, if I had anything to do with his decision. But then, I was married to a man who still thinks his 23 year old son could be a professional soccer goalie. People are quite capable of spinning great yarns and believing them. So yeah, that gave me a little headache.

The wine tasted good. I’m only having one glass, even though I’d like more, lol. But it’s a week night, yada yada.

But then.

I was thinking about my relationships with S, and A. Before A’s text. And how I compromised myself, both times. With A…I accepted his love for me, misdirected and perhaps ill motivated as it might have been. I accepted it without loving him back, because he made me feel good. It was a lush feeling, for awhile, to have someone adore me. To hold me, before he left and tell me he loved me “so much”. To hug me and say, “Thank God you came back to me.” I had just gone to say goodbye…he was leaving forever….I didn’t say I was back, he told himself that story. I didn’t disabuse him of that notion. I felt he was leaving, I’d probably not see him again, let him leave happy. Which is probably why I worry about his motivation in buying a house so impulsively. I mean…it’s not my worry really, he’s a grown man, but how can it be a good decision based on so little information.

But I compromised myself with him. I didn’t tell him the truth, at least not all the time. When it got too much, I did. I never told him that I loved him, I never led him on, but I accepted love from someone who I didn’t love back, and that feels wrong. Like I should have been more honest, I shouldn’t have been so self absorbed in enjoying the huge ego boost I got from it. Just feels wrong. Like I used him, even though that wasn’t my intention. I tried to love him but I couldn’t. I knew I could love S, so I went back to S.

I knew I did love S. I adored him. And he broke my heart so many times. Finally I got smart and headed him off at the pass, but not before I cried a river, a fucking ocean, over that man. Wondering what was wrong with me, that he could so easily dismiss me. So the compromise there was, that I allowed myself to love a man, with everything I had, who didn’t love me back. He would tell me he missed me, but he only missed sex. He said once he missed making me laugh. But he also told me he didn’t want to be in love, or a relationship, that he wanted to see other women. So I guess the lauging and the sex wasn’t that big a deal. I gotta give him honesty. He only led me on once.

After he fucked the prison whore, which I have lots of blogs about last winter, as I tried to work through that. He knew I had begun to see A, and just didn’t want someone else to have me. I thought he wanted me. He told me everything, almost, that I ever wanted to hear, he did everything I’d dreamed about. It took me about 30 seconds to cast A aside and be with S.

And then once S knew I was with him, not A….all those things disappeared, never to be seen again. And we went back to our non-relationship status and it hurt more than ever.

Because I compromised myself. I gave myself willingly, because I wanted to love him. And I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I let myself do that….treated myself like a tramp, like shit, because I wanted to love him. He treated me…ok, unless he was having a bad day, but he never was dishonest with me, except that one time, to keep me from being with A. I shouldn’t have allowed that either.

So here I am, compromised. By two men, on opposite ends of the spectrum. One, I let him love me, and I didn’t, couldn’t, love him back, but let him lavish it on me, just to make myself feel valuable. The other, I loved, with nothing in return. I let myself be used. Used honestly. It was only my fault.

So the question is…..should I be feeling bad about any of this? Am I responsible for the fact that A loved me, unrequited? No more than S is responsible that I loved him, unrequited. We can only control our own emotions. We can only set our own standards for ourselves.

A loved me, (I am not sure that’s even past tense at the moment), but I’m not responsible for his emotions. I never led him on, I just enjoyed his company. Until recently, when he was wanting a bigger camper “in case” I wanted to come see him, and then suddenly a house. And the way his conversation went far more intimate than I was comfortable with.

S…didn’t. I knew it. He’s not responsible for my emotions. I guess I kept thinking that he would love me someday, that some day he’d want me the way I wanted him. But it was my stupid dream, his was to be free. Over time, I began to detach. We saw each other rarely, we talked a lot, but there was nothing growing there, except separation. I accepted that over the summer, and little by little let the dream go. When he lost his temper with me over nothing this past weekend, it was not hard at all to close the book, and decide not to turn the page. I hadn’t seen him in a month. While I thought I missed him, I was actually in the process of detaching. This was the first time it has not hurt. Maybe there are no tears left to cry, but at any rate, I’m not and that’s a good thing.

(Let me just note here, that I have not been blogging about S and I for some time now.  The things in this blog are all things I have published before, so I don’t feel like I am breaking any trust by talking about them.  I cannot write this blog without mentioning them.  I am not going into any detail about why I closed the book on that relationship, now or ever.  If I did, I would be breaking the trust.)

Going forward….I don’t want to compromise. I will choose, yes choose, to love only someone who is capable of loving me back. I will not stay with someone just because he loves me. I will have balance, or be alone. It’s only myself that I have to not let down. No one else. Maybe I’ll be alone, but that would be preferable to not liking the person I have become. I’m alone right now, and you know what? It feels fine.

The Day Didn’t Get Easier. Or Harder. It Just Is.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just wrote a long blog about A and S, which I decided not to publish.  It was TMI.  Suffice to say, The day did not get easier. I miss S, I’m not in love with A, though I love him.  I found it hard to deal with the missing S today. But I knew I had to deal with it.  The facts are what they are.  A is way too much into me, I need to back off of that.

I wish there was someone who was a balance of the two.  A is too clingy, S is too detached. I am fucking lonely.  And tired. And looking forward to taking a week off and going to NY this weekend.  I need a change of scene.  I need to put the past behind me, and do some thinking on my own, see if I can get clarity.

I could probably talk to S without losing it now, but why?  So I can hear how he wants to be free again?  No thanks.  Once or twice was enough for me.  He could reach me on email, if he had something to say.  Or even leave me a voice mail saying something other than we should talk.  Talk about what?  How different we are, how we are night and day, how nothing will ever grow between us?  I’ve got that message, no need to repeat it.

I’m rambling.  I’m tired.  My arm kept me up for a couple hours in the middle of the night.  then I worked for 9 or 10 hours, trying to get everything done before I go on vacation.  One more day.  I have the pre-op exam tomorrow morning or my carpal tunnel surgery.  Cannot wait to have the surgery, and be able to sleep through the night.

Going to bed. I need to just let go. Peace out everyone.

To Be, or Not to Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

To be or not to be, that is the question.

To be what?  In love with S?  He isn’t in love with me, though he likes me well enough, likes being with me.  Our relationship was important enough to him to follow through this weekend.  It’s not love, but it’s  nice.   I can’t help but love him and his funny, off beat, intelligent, and quirky personality.  But that’s my problem, lol, not his…..

To be friends with A? I don’t love A, I’m pretty sure he still loves me, it makes me uncomfortable to be close friends wit him and intimate with S.  It just doesn’t feel right to me, I don’t know how to balance it.

To be alone?  I am fine alone, but not all the time.  I enjoy the company of a man.  Particularly S, Most everything we do together is fun.  My problem is I get very attached.  I get a little, and it makes me long for more.

I don’t know where I am this morning.  I am still not wanting to put any parameters on my relationship with S.  I enjoy every minute with him, so why should I not be with him?  I am ever so afraid of heartache down the road with him, but isn’t that the hallmark of most relationships?  You have to take a risk, and as it develops, your fears should subside, right?

I am going to be moving to Florida in a year or so.  I will be moving away, not he.  Our relationship is bound to be changed by that.  There are endless possibilities of how we could manage it.  But what right do I have to be demanding now, when I’m the one who’s going to make the biggest change to our relationship?  I can’t.  I can just be with S for as long as we want to be with each other, as long as we enjoy each others company.

As for A….I was going to send him an email, telling him more or less to bugger off.  I don’t think I will.  I think I will just let that relationship die a slow natural easy death, like going to sleep and not waking up, he and I will just fade into our histories.

To be…in the moment, to be mindful, to learn acceptance and gratitude for what is, and find grace.  I guess I am really getting sick of pushing, and am realizing that it’s not necessary.

To be or not to be?  I think, just let it be.

The Prayer, My Prayer

Posted on by learning to live like water

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbviXG_56ss

There was a time in my life, about 4 years from 2007 to 2011, when I was just spending every moment trying to hold my own in court against my abusive crazy ex.  My son came to live with me in 2009, but I still had nothing, except my paycheck and some child support, to support us until the Supreme Court decision in 2011.  After 30 years of marriage he held every asset we owned and the court would not order him to release any of it to me, except for attorney’s funds. My car was falling apart, I was building up a good chunk of credit card debt.  I was scared a lot, but had to keep pushing on, for my son and I. I don’t remember ever feeling safe, or that my son was. It was without a doubt, the hardest 4 years of my 64.

I would listen to this song, and sing along with it, the words

Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.

And then I’d cry, and pray.

In the end it all turned out ok.  My prayer was answered.  But whenever I hear this, I can remember…..

Blue Eyes

Posted on by learning to live like water

Those blue eyes follow me everywhere.

Sleeping,

Sitting

Driving

Walking.

I am trying to ignore them.

They steal into my brain,

And lay in wait for weakness

To strike and draw me back.

Bind me in the blue cords which jettison from them

And wrap around me until I find the strength

To wiggle out of them

And exhausted lay on my own bed.

In confusion, I want their warm sensuality.

In confusion, I cannot bear the way they cut into me and

Slice my heart open,

Again and again.

I opt out, for a whole life.

Not to constantly be stitching up the pieces of my heart

strewn across the horizon.

But the piercing blue eyes

are committed to my memory.

Bittersweet, and sad.

Peace, Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

My heart feels a little heavy this morning.  Maybe too much red wine last night.  Maybe not.  I feel guilty that my friend is going through this health issue alone.   That I am not with him.  But then again, he’s made it clear that that’s how he wants it, and I need to quit projecting onto him how I would feel about it.  I think he knows, or should know, anyway, that energetically I am there.

And then again….while I am with him energetically, the actual not being there, physically, emotionally….I don’t feel bad about.  Because I was broken, once more, and the pieces are not put back together.  I don’t know if they can be.  I think too many times I’ve been broken.  Broken when he fucked the prison whore, broken when he would come have sex and leave, or tell me after that we needed not to see each other so much. Broken when he would ignore my needs.  And broken, now, by a week of not knowing what was wrong wit him, meanwhile trying to do as he asked while I waited until he could or would tell me, broken by him not showing up and not even telling me he wasn’t coming.  He was capable.  He has been going to work, if he can work, he is certainly capable of realizing he should have let me know, and at least, the very least, texting me to say he wasn’t coming.  The blatant disregard was just more than I could deal with on top of his refusal to tell me what is wrong with his health.  I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, that was all that I needed to push me in.

It just occurred to me, he thinks that it was about my temper, about me being angry. He doesn’t understand the concept of hurt, I guess.  It was pain, on my part. Not anger. It was me crying out in pain. It was a broken, yet again, heart. 

I guess he can’t imagine the depth of the feeling I had, and have for him.  I need to let it go.

But now I have no idea how he is.  Is he in the hospital?  Is he still in pain? Is he having surgery? Is he scared? Does he want me there now?  Now, that he’s pushed me away?  I can’t ask, I can’t know.  I need to move on.

It was never mine to deal with, I was never included, I was never in the loop.  He always preferred to be alone.  I need to move on.

I’ll continue to ask the universe to take care of him. I’ll continue to send him love and light and healing energy.  My soul and his, I know are connected in ways I can’t explain and sometimes wish weren’t, because it makes the letting go so hard, when I know the cord which connects us in that way is strong.

But I need to let go and move on, and not change who he is by asking to be brought into his life.

Peace, out.

Crash and Burn

Posted on by learning to live like water

I didn’t stay afloat. I crashed and burned.  My “friend” with the serious health challenges set us up to fail.  Maybe he wanted me out of his life so he could deal with it alone, and not have to have me worrying about him. (As if I wouldn’t worry anyway.)  Maybe he just thought it was a joke, and didn’t realize how cruel he was being to me.

I spent the last 5 days worrying about his health issues. That’s all he would say.  He didn’t want to talk about them with me until he had specifics.  The reason that he told me that he had them at all was because I was trying to end it with him last week, and he used the symptoms to explain why he was treating me so badly.  It worked, I didn’t end it.  Instead, I did everything he asked me to do to help him keep his mind off of it, and to relax.  Including leaving him alone today.

Even though, leaving him alone today, was torture, because I knew he had seen a dr yesterday, and that he should have had some answers, and that he told me if the dr. called last night he had to go right to the hospital.  For some reason, he thought I wouldn’t care enough to be worried sick.  But I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t let him know how worried I was, I just kept things light, and gave him whatever he asked for.

Then late today, I heard from him, and I was so relieved.  I didn’t know if he’d gone to the hospital today, I didn’t know what shape he was in, I had no idea about anything.  I wanted to dance when I got a text from him. He made me believe he was coming over tonight.  I thought, finally, I might know something.  Finally, I could hold him, feel him, have  him with me so I knew he was safe even if it was just for one evening. I left work elated, imagining sitting on the deck talking.

But he didn’t come.  I waited and waited.  My stomach more in knots every second.  Would he really do this to me?  After making me wait all week, not sharing with me information that would allow me to at least know.  I mean, I am pretty strong.  I can deal with anything if I just know what I’m dealing with.  Finally, when I’d been waiting 45 minutes I texted him, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from him.

He wasn’t coming.  He’d wanted to but he wasn’t.  And he wouldn’t even tell me he wasn’t.  He would have let me sit here all night wondering if he was in a car accident, or just playing a joke on me, or was trying to get rid of me.

I am gonna say….it was a passive aggressive move to get rid of me.  He can’t deal with how much I care for him, he’s used to dealing with stuff alone, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings.  It’s about him, but I’m in it too, because I love him, because for whatever reason, he told me that he had some serious health issues.  And he has no respect for that, no care or concern for me, or my feelings, which are all about him.  Or, doesn’t want to have to respect, or feel care or concern for me.

Looking back through our communication, I thought it very telling that he said “I brought you in against my better judgment, because of your constant yammering. And now look, once again I am the bad guy for “hurting” you! WHAT ABOUT ME?” As I said, he brought me in to keep me from “dumping” him.  But what I wonder  is, how did I hurt him?  By doing what he asked?  By loving him unconditionally?  What about him?  He’s possibly sick, maybe very sick. But I did nothing to contribute to that. I did everything I could, everything I was asked to, to help him deal with it, which meant not asking, not being upset, leaving him alone. What about him???  I didn’t do anything to him. I never tried to make him believe something that wasn’t true, let alone refuse to apologize for it.  What about him indeed. 

Whatever. He’s used to being alone, not having anyone else who gives a real shit.  And that includes the past women in his life, as far as I’m concerned.  But at any rate….

We couldn’t get through it together.  We couldn’t even talk on the phone.  I wrote something, and sent it to him, trying to explain why I sat here crying for an hour or two.  We just couldn’t do it together.  We can’t do anything together.

I love him, but I have to walk away.  The relationship had gone purely physical anyway, that’s why I was trying to end it last week.  His words tonight were, that it was a good idea for me to be gone.  That he loved fucking me, but hated my temper.  That’s about as far from what I want as I can imagine.

So…we crashed and burned.  I tried, I have no regrets.  I hope he works through his health issues.  I really do.  It will be hard not knowing.  But we agreed to leave each other alone and that’s for the best.

Gonna sell my house and start over in Florida.  Better luck next time.

No More Heartbreak

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was with my ex-husband for just shy of 40 years.  We met when we were 18, married at 25, divorced at 58.  In that time, he broke my heart 1000 times.  Rivers of tears, countless sleepless nights.  Days of deep-seated fear, hours of sheer terror.  A broken heart was not something I wanted to revisit.

I left him when I was 55, almost 56.  I felt only relief from the moment I was gone.  And fear for my son, who stayed with him.  But mostly relief, that my world upon waking would be the same as when I went to bed.

When I was 63 I met S. A full 7 years after leaving my ex.  I was attracted to him before we even met.  I have often commented on our connection.  It seemed uncanny, it seemed that we had to already know each other on some level.  It’s never been a balanced relationship, but it’s been fun, interesting, and passionate. But then, last winter, he fucked the prison whore, and broke my heart.  To his credit, he knew he was going to break my heart, and tried to break it of with me before he did that.  But I was too convincing, I guess, in my misery, and sadness, and he couldn’t do it.

Since then….it has been off again, on again for us.  We have that connection, a physical desire, but we want different things from life, I guess.  We see things differently.  We react to things differently.  And the places we came from on our separate journeys were a long ways apart.  Each time now, that we are off again, it is a little harder to put it back on.  No matter that the love is there, will always be, it just isn’t making either of us happy.  My heart is broken again, I am guessing that his heart is feeling a little pain too, but I could be wrong.  I can’t speak for him.

Then there is A….who I met after the thing with the prison whore.  We became close.  A loves me, is not afraid to be vulnerable and tell me exactly how he feels.  He knows I have this thing with S.  A, however, is not here.  He’s off on his grand adventure, and sends me pics and  tells me how he misses me, and loves me, but he’s not here.  He’s out west, in one of the national parks….he won’t be settled in for probably a year.  There is no future really there.  And I never could drum up the passion for him.  But love, yes, I love the man. He treats me like gold. I think his purpose in my life is to remind me how I should be treated.

When I first told him I was going to see S again, he sent me a beautiful email, telling me he knows he only offers heartbreak on a platter, because he knew he would be leaving on this great adventure, but that he would balance it with love and tenderness.

But God, I didn’t want another heartbreak.  I don’t want any more of them.  I want to love someone who can love me back, fully, unafraid….  I am tired of the games people play in their heads, holding back out of fear, fear not caused by me, but by a past love.  Fear which has no basis in the present, but still colors everything.  I’m tired of having a passionate physical relationship, which never carries over into life, and living.

I think I’d just rather be alone that deal with another heartbreak.  I’m not saying that if someone came into my view I wouldn’t give it a chance.  I’d sure like to find the love that lasts before I leave this earth.  But I think when it begins to go bad, I need to just let it go, instead of trying to make it work.  Better to be alone, and whole, than have my heart axed in two again.