Tag Archives: connection

Back on an Even Keel

Posted on by learning to live like water

even keel

(( The top picture was me yesterday.  The bottom picture is me today. )

My eyes opened with the first rays of daylight this morning. I had gone to bed late, almost midnight, and managed to somehow get back to sleep for another hour. When I woke, I realized I was sore…from washing windows, mopping floors, carrying bags of empty bottles from the basement storage room to my recycling bin. I have a bit more to do this morning to have the house in shape for the showing today.

The thing was, I woke happy. Despite the early hour. Despite being alone. Despite a lawn mower that won’t start, lol. I feel like I got my clarity back, which was missing yesterday. Triggers, I guess. Just triggers. I see them, I know what they are. I just have to sit through them. Sitting with our feelings.

I find it difficult to comprehend at times, how someone could so devastate me, knowing how I felt about him, with all we shared together, and never wonder if I am ok. Never just say “hi, hope all is well. Happy for you about your Florida house.” How could I have loved, and been so intimate with someone who can be so cold? I suppose he has his own fucked up reasons. He will say he doesn’t need to ask, he reads my blog. And doesn’t feel the need to hear me say it. And for some reason, doesn’t think I want to know that he too is ok.

Whatever. I’m used to his callousness. His thoughtlessness. His selfishness. He’s got what he wants, what else matters?

Maybe just too much water under the bridge now. Idk. I was, still am, angry at him for showing her my writing. For even telling her it existed. Rightfully so. It was none of her business, what we did together. And then her, for having to tell me. So childish, immature of both of them. I’m not ashamed of what I wrote, but I wrote it for him, at his request, because I loved him. To have it cheapened, denigrated to less than it was, to appease her jealousy…..

On top of denying what he clearly felt, all the time we were together, again, to appease her jealousy.

Maybe it’s better I don’t talk to him. Some sick dysfunction going on there. Contact can only make me feel bad again. No contact is hard, but not nearly as hard as having the whole situation shoved in my face again.

Today I know I am moving closer to my dream. Today is one day closer to waking up in my Florida home, 1500 miles away from all the trauma of the last year. New experiences. New people. New joys. I am hoping that the unbreakable connection stretches thin over 1500 miles. I am hoping that I will be so preoccupied with my new life, I won’t think about the old life. At least, not the painful parts of it.

While my house is shown today, I’m going with my friend that I went out to eat with, to look for a dress for her for a wedding. And then to Sam’s Club, to restock the house. She just sold her house, just accepted an offer Friday. She got her full asking price. I’m so happy for her, and it made me hopeful. So glad I have such good friends.

That, and seeing a sundog yesterday. I think the universe knew I needed a sign. 🙂 All in all, things are moving ahead, with the plan I’ve always had. Plans that didn’t depend on a narcissistic man to complete them. I have always said, I wanted him, but I never needed him. I still don’t need him. And the want part…well….it’s fading.

Love and light to all.

On Breaking Like a Little Girl

Posted on by learning to live like water

breakingi like a little girl

So, look….I don’t break like a little girl. Usually. And not now, not today. In fact I’m a long ways away from breaking.

I am tired, I am slightly stressed. I know I need to be doing things like putting my furniture up for sale that I’m not taking with me. I’ve heard to just sell it on ebay, with a pick-up only, not to use Craig’s list. Don’t want to be letting the craigslist killer in my front door. Maybe I could advertise it in the local little paper. IDK. I need to find someone to give my old washer and dryer to, although, I have been told that Big Brother/Big Sisters will take that stuff off your hands and put it for sale in their stores, Savers. Which seems like a good cause, and I could take a tax deduction.

I need to finish getting the utilities in the Florida house in my name. I need to have the mail forwarded up here from there, til I move there.

I worry that my boss will find all this stuff out, about both houses, and it will ruin my relationship with him, which is good at the moment. Work life could get very unpleasant if that happens. But if I tell him, without an exit date, he might give me one, and I might not be ready to move, and I don’t want to have to pay this mortgage if I don’t have a job. So every day I feel like I’m taking a chance.

I want to find out what a POD will cost to get my son’s stuff to CO. I need to get costs on moving my stuff to FL.

Yesterday I was sat on my deck and fell asleep in the sun. It was lovely. But while I was there, I thought about how I ran into a good friend at the store yesterday, in the organic produce section, and we talked for 15 or 20 minutes. She wants to try her hand at jewelry making, for a hobby, because her youngest child is about to go off to college. So we made tentative plans for me to go with her to get some basic tools etc, and I told her to come over some Sunday (her husband works weekends) and we’ll sit on the deck and make jewelry…drink wine…

Anyway, sitting out there yesterday, thinking about that, I thought, God, I wonder how long it will take me to have friends like that in Florida? Friends I can make spur of the moment plans with, like going to Costco Saturday with my bff, like going to my cousins to do reiki, like having this friend over to make jewelry on the deck. I will miss my peeps so much. They are my family here. I’ll have to create a whole new family and that’s a little scary.

Altho, my bff said Saturday, “we want to come see you as soon as you get settled.” And I know she means it. I said, “October, you will love it there in October. You will be getting pissed because it’s getting cold here…Florida is lovely then.”

But still I had this dark vision of me sitting alone every weekend there, nothing to do and no one to do it with. It was momentary, because I know I will make friends, and I know that before I’d sit all alone, I’d probably head to the beach or my sisters, or something….But, you know, the fear kind of showed up momentarily.

But, I guess the point is, it doesn’t break me. I think a broken heart can break me, but even that only momentarily. And who knows, maybe I know enough now to work through it, without feeling broken at all, if it happens again. Plus, I think I learned enough lessons from the last two men, to choose better, and not fall in love with someone who will treat my heart so callously. I’m sure there are men who actually appreciate a loving heart, and will treat it lovingly in return. I’m hoping I find one in Florida.

Maybe at the yacht club, lol. Or maybe I’ll get a fishing pole and go down to the fishing pier and find a fisherman, one that doesn’t get a thrill out of being helicopter lifted off a sinking ship. One that just likes to catch fish, and be near the ocean. Calmer…..more content. More appreciative of the joys life offers every minute. One who doesn’t need to be walking on the edge to feel alive. One who feels alive every moment he takes a breath, and finds wonder in that gift.

So, the opinion once given me by the man who broke my heart, that I break like a little girl, well, I am gonna guess that he has probably discarded that opinion of me anyway. I broke like a grown up, and I did my work, and I once again found a new path that will work for me. I’ll get through the hard parts of it, probably by writing, by being near the sea every day, by finding joy somewhere every moment.

I won’t walk the edge, I won’t risk falling off. And if I slip, I won’t break. If I crack, well…I’ll let the light in, let it weld the pieces back together, and glow a little brighter when it’s over.

Love and light.

Awareness

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

third eye

Aware
That I can love
That the energy which powers the sun
Also powers my heart.
Powers my words to express.

Powers my body
To be one with my heart
That the physical manifestation
Of love
Is powered just as my heart is.

By the one thing.

True and honest.
I never lied,
(I could not)
With my words,
With my thoughts,
With my body.

The electrifying touch
Comes from the same place
As the soft words.
The connection that can’t be broken.

The face will come into focus
The face that will know what I know
And feel what I feel.
Another connection;
Stronger,
Sweeter,
Still unbreakable,
Is in the making.

Bliss.

Thoughts on Healing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Healing

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about healing in the last 24 hours. This is just me, working out my thoughts.

In the circles I run in, “emotional healing” is a big deal.  It is what we are always doing.  Sometimes with a narrow focus, like trying to get over a failed love affair, or the loss of someone close to us.  Often though, to heal from these things, we find out we have to dig deeper.  Sometimes the healing is very broad, it encompasses all of our pain, and comes down to the base idea that we have decided we are separate from the one great thing. That concept, that idea in itself, is faulty and will lead to all kinds of emotional angst.

In my case, it is easy to understand why I grieve and and have healing to do from the loss of the people and animals I have loved, who have moved on to the next level.  The healing there is just really adjusting to life without them, but knowing they are in truly a better place, and haven’t really left us.

Getting over a love that didn’t work out makes me go deeper, and ask questions.

Why was I so attracted to this person?  Why did I ignore the red flags?  Why did I allow him to treat me so badly?  (And by allow, I mean, stick around continually after he did it?) Why did I think so little of myself?  And, finally….what did I learn?

These same questions can be asked in a million different situations, which have made us unhappy.

I really believe that our soul’s purpose in this life, (which makes it our purpose….our only real purpose) is to learn the karmic lessons we have agreed to learn, so that our souls can evolve. I believe that this is the definition of karma….that if we don’t learn these lessons they will keep repeating until we do. That can become, what goes around comes around. But I don’t believe karma is about paying for it if you do something which harms yourself or someone else. That just perpetuates a negative cycle. I think it’s more about learning, and evolving. I think if you learn the lesson and truly change your path, then the lesson is learned, and won’t come around to bite you. The payback, if there is any, is the pain you feel when you truly understand the damage you did and truly feel remorse over it. Empathy, to understand how another feels. The pain you feel, if you are truly changing and learning and evolving, will cause you to do all you can to repair the damage done by your false ego.

The three R’s…recognition, remorse, repair.

The universe, the great consciousness of which we are all part, is unconditional love. Unconditional…..meaning, you don’t have to do anything except exist to have it.  It is not earned, or given, and can’t be taken away.  Unconditional.  That one great thing, wants you to remember you are part of it, and that we are all so connected. That if you hurt, I hurt. If you hurt someone, you hurt everyone. If you love someone, truly unconditional love, not selfish ego-boosting pretend love…then everyone benefits from the extension of that love.

(If this sounds like lessons from A Course in Miracles, it probably is, lol.)

S has said to me a few times since the truth became known, “I know I’m going to pay 5 lifetimes for what I did to you.” (I’m using this as an example only, not to be talking about him. It’s just such a clear illustration of the kind of faulty thinking that separates.) But he didn’t change, he kept doing it, or attempting to, until she and I put a stop to it. Even though he’s not doing it now, as far as I know, he has not been able to feel empathy for what he did to she and I, he has not repaired the damage, at least not with me.  He has run from the implications.  He left it, with the lies that were exposed, acknowledged.  But there were more in the works. Lies about the things that can’t be proved, but are known.  About feelings, and motivations.  I believe it’s just a matter of time until his ego forces him back into the same lesson, over again. Not to be berating him, but to see him. My heart aches for him to keep living this lesson over and over again.

He recognized, but there was no true remorse, and no real attempt to repair. When push came to shove, he couldn’t cross over, and stick with it. (I think it is in large part because admitting it, and truly seeing it causes so much shame that it becomes easier to continue rather than face it. Short term gain, vs long term ramifications.) So…yes, he will continue to experience the same lesson over and over, because he is a narcissist, who puts his ego ahead of everything else. He once told me the only reason he hadn’t finished himself off was because he had so much fear that the next life would be worse than this one.

As if he had no control over that. As if, he couldn’t change his life and his thinking right now…..and alter his path. Imagine being such a slave to your ego, that you would keep causing yourself the same pain over and over at it’s direction. As if the unconditional love of the universe would hold a grudge. The universe simply wants us to evolve. That loving energy is not hell-bent for revenge, or punishment. It’s hell bent for us to evolve into more loving, caring beings. The ego, on the other hand, uses fear to drive us. Why anyone would want to live their life in fear instead of love, when the choice is made clear to them, is beyond me.  But we have a choice, because we have free will.  To learn the lesson, or not.

So…healing, for all of us, I think, is a matter of peeling back the layers, one at a time. As humans, there is always another layer. We are, after all, spiritual beings having a human experience. Healing is evolving. Evolving, to me, is why we are here.

Love and light, and sweet healing, to all.

 

 

Energetic Discomfort This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

energy cordsI am feeling an attempt to energetically cord me again this morning, despite my deleting the song, despite my determination to stay on the road I’m on.  It’s irritating.

I find myself feeling negative emotions for no reason.  Unsettledness in my solar plexus and sacral chakras, which is always where I feel it.  I am determined to send it back where it came from.

I’m not sure it’s intentional.  It’s probably not. In fact, I doubt the sender is even cognizant of the fact that it’s being sent. But it doesn’t matter, it’s here this morning, and it disrupted my sleep last night.  Time to do reiki, I think.  Time to do a gratitude meditation. Time to cut the cords, once more. Time to make space for the positive emotions to take over and crowd this crap out.

I have no idea what’s happening at the source of this energetic cord.  Nor do I want to know.  I think the whole point of it is to encourage me to find out.  But I don’t want to know.  It’s of no purpose, it brings nothing to my life but magnification of negativity that manages to stretch across the miles to me.

I hold no grudge about it, I have no anger. I wish no ill on this person.  I wish for them all good things.  I understand that the person at the other end of this energetic cord that is trying to wrap around me is doing the best they can from the level of consciousness.  I forgive, because of that.  I am done with that chapter of my life.  I just want to be left alone by this person, on every level.

So much nicer to have my son’s laughing energy when I wake up.  I’m going to get back to that place, and send this energy on it’s way, back to the source, out to the Universe to atone for everyone’s highest good.

Love and light, everyone.

Connection

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is the quest, is it not?  To connect in a heart-felt, whole-hearted, deep way with other people, with other souls.  It is the reason behind almost everything we do.  Brene Brown has her finger on the pulse of this.  So I’m putting up some of the things she has to say about it.

connection

 

conncection energy

Everything is energy, different levels, different vibrations.  I believe the energy of connection is one of the highest levels that we as spiritual beings having a human experience, can achieve.

And finally…..

spiritulity

 

 

Clutter

Posted on by learning to live like water

clutter and stuff

It was 7° this morning when I went to get fasting bloodwork done at 6 AM.  I have an appointment with my endocrinologist next week.  It’s just routine.  But dang…bad enough to be out at 6 am, let alone have it cold enough to freeze the buggars in your nose.

Seems my mind was a little cluttered today.  Scott, Maggie, online communications, work….

I found myself wanting to call him this morning, leave a voice mail, just saying, “I miss you.”  But I didn’t.  I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, just one of those things I know.  Why I would miss him….when I stand back and observe myself, I have no idea, except it’s that connection, that just tugs at me every once in awhile.  I got over it, I was glad I didn’t.  If he heard that it would be like a pass for him.  Like asking to get set up again.  No matter what our infinite relationship is, the one here in this world is on hold, or non-existent, for the time being.  As it should be.

But I do still, see his soul, and not all the bullshit he hides it under.  I suppose I always will, I always have.  That light, when he exposes it, is blindingly beautiful.  He just never lets it stay lit.   And I’m also real, and I don’t want to ever go through something like that again.  Until he can learn to value love, he will always be sad and alone, I’m afraid.

Tomorrow I have to take Maggie to the vet for surgery.  I’m going to be praying all night that I don’t have to have her put down.

I began a conversation with a man online tonight that for some reason seem hopeful to me.  He likes the beach and said maybe I can teach him to find sea glass.   He’s nice looking in his picture too.  And he lives fairly close, no more than 20 minutes from me.  I can only hope.  So often they go nowhere.

I’m feeling so much more settled tonight with everything.  Peaceful.  Just concerned about Maggie’s surgery tomorrow.

I guess this blog tonight was for de-cluttering, lol.

Love and light, everyone.

 

 

Swimming in the Moat

Posted on by learning to live like water

castles-and-moats-225x300

It was back to work today after 10 days off.  Winter hit with a vengeance this morning.  It was 22° when I got up.  It was 16° when I came home from work at 7:45 PM, and windy after a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  I froze my ass off filling the gas tank.  It’s going to single digits tonight.  I effing hate the cold.  It’s my most unfavorite thing about winter, closely followed by driving in snow as the 2nd thing I hate the most.
I’m sitting in my pajamas watching my favorite movie, Eat Pray Love.  I tried to watch the DVD over the weekend, and my cheap DVD player is apparently no longer working.  But tonight it’s on Lifetime. It’s perfect for where I am tonight.
I’m settled in, I guess, as much as possible with the twin flame idea.  Things keep popping into my head about our relationship that just made no sense, and now they do, even if it’s in a other-worldy sense.   Like, why neither of us could really let go, why I still want to talk to him, even after all he did to me.  Like why I continued to love him so much, when he was treating me so badly.  Why I hung on when I and everyone knew he was an ass.  The attraction was undeniable.  He called it the heat.  He said, when we broke up and I didn’t want to talk to him about our sex life any more, because we didn’t have one, and it hurt me to talk about it, since his was now with Betty…..he would say, “Deb the heat will always be there between us, why fight it?” He said to me, “I’m trying to find a way to keep you in my life.”
He knew, he just didn’t know what he knew.  I was in his life, I will always be in his life.  But he didn’t know what was going on, nor did I.  But I couldn’t share the leftover bits of his life, I’ll never be able to do that with anyone.  It’s painful.  It wasn’t just me being obsessed with this man, there was so much more in play.  I felt it so intensely.
And then….there are all the lies, the huge deception. While I have a better understanding of the forces that were in play, that he couldn’t deal with, and chose to lie about, rather than face, I wonder if he’s learned the lesson that has been repeating in his life since he was young.  I wonder if he’s learned it, or is going to have another round with it, in this life or the next. I mean, those same forces were in play with me, but I made different choices.  I didn’t lead Addison on, I didn’t play anyone.  I was honest and forthright in everything I did.  I’m not bragging, or blowing my own horn.  I’m just saying, we both had the choices to make.  He chose differently.  His choices caused two women who loved him more pain than I can adequately express here.  And he knew it would, and he knew that eventually, it would come to a head.  So why….did he choose that path?  I’d so like to know, just to understand his thinking.  He is such a dichotomy.  Here he can write a beautiful poem, describing not only our relationship on the physical level, but also on a soul level.  He could tell me that he felt the connection.  We never had a bad moment together until she came back into his life.  I loved being with him.  And then….he could lie, and cheat, and deceive like he had a phd in it.  He could hurt people, me, her, indiscriminately.  He could hurt himself, and then want you to feel sorry for him.  So full of contradictions.
I wonder how his health is.  I know he’s hurting.  I know he’s sad, but I’m not at all clear if he’s learned anything from all this.  I would guess that much of the contradictions in him, come from the difference between what he knew on a soul level, and was trying to be heard, and the life experiences he had that were in complete opposition to the soul level messages.
I think about how many times he tried to convince me that he was not a good guy.  And he proved that out.  But the same number of times, I told him I saw his soul, that I loved his soul.  Why would I say that?  I’ve never told anyone else that, not my son, not my ex husband of 40 years. But with Scott, it’s all I saw.  It blinded me to his human faults, and it set me up to fall, hard, face down in the dirt, because I could only see the center that was all love.  Just like in everyone else.  He couldn’t see it, didn’t believe in it.  And all his lies and deceptions, all the pain and devastation he caused me,  don’t stop me from seeing who he is at his center.
It’s friggin painful.  I have to leave it alone, it is a discovery that he needs to make on his own.  I thought if I loved him enough, I could convince him.  But he doesn’t love himself, so no one else’s love will ever make a difference.
It doesn’t matter.  It really doesn’t.  We have a connection which I will learn to deal with, without allowing it to disrupt this life.  I was happier not knowing  who he is to me.  I was happier just thinking that I knew him from a past life, that we agreed to meet up here, for some reason.  I was happier, because I thought I would be able to let go of him eventually.
Last night I saw Marianne Williamson on OWN.  She taught that the universe is “intentional”.  That nothing happens that is not supposed to.  I guess there are lessons inside of lessons….The dealing with this situation and being able to move forward in my life, will be a lesson in itself.  Learning to feel his energy and not get lost in it, will be a lesson in itself.  If I can attract it, being able to love someone else, and still keep a place in my heart for this man, my twin….will be a lesson in itself.
I’m sure there are more.  Honestly, right now I’m thinking, my life in it’s last quarter.  I’m sick of lessons.  I really am, and they keep falling into my path.  I really just want to be happy, to have an uncomplicated, easy life.  I want to downsize, into a smaller house, into a smaller life, into a safer life, into a life filled with love.
I am watching Richard From Texas tell Liz Gilbert, “Groceries, you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.”
I guess that’s about it for tonight. I think I’m in the damn moat, and I just want to stop swimming. Maybe I’ll just float on my back for awhile and look at the sky.

 

It Doesn’t Matter

Posted on by learning to live like water

Stock-footage-energy-sphere

I had a romantic notion, I guess, of what a twin flame was.  I was horrified to think that someone who is so wrought with his own emotional problems, deep-seated issues that he can’t figure out himself, that cause him to act in ways that are hurtful to himself and others, could be my twin flame. 

This morning, it doesn’t matter.  It is, what it is.  If he doesn’t mature spiritually, we will not connect in this lifetime.  That journey is his to travel.  I will continue on my path, he on his.  Maybe in some lifetime we will connect.  I don’t think in this one, though I can’t possibly know when we will connect. 

Maybe I’ll find out that he’s really not my twin flame.  Maybe there are coincidences after all, and none of them are signs.

Though, my intuition tells me differently.

The relationship with him is rife with signs, but if he doesn’t read them, and only I do, it doesn’t matter. Or, if he reads them but discredits them, it doesn’t matter.

My intuition tells me that it just doesn’t matter here, in the present moment, what his soulful relationship to me is. 

I’ll let it be.  I’ll trust my intuition to guide me through whatever comes up.  My purpose here is to evolve my soul.  I believe it’s everyone’s, but if it’s not recognized on a human level by someone else, even a twin flame, it doesn’t make any difference to me. 

Since we don’t talk, ever now, which is so weird really after communicating constantly all day every day, except when we were in a push away phase, I have no idea where his head is at.  It’s been since November 19 that I have talked to him.  Since the weight of the lies fell out of his mouth and onto my heart, and as he asked me to lie for him, to become what he was, and I had to tell him he was dead to me. 

He is not dead to me, as a soul.  His current choices, as a human, made him dead to me.  Until he can grow, and change.  I have wondered when I will hear from him again, thinking in months maybe.  Because I have been sure I will at some point.  But now?  Maybe not for years.  Maybe not until we move on from this life. 

It doesn’t matter anyway.  My life moves on, the way it was.  The path was moving forward nicely, and then he showed up and I stumbled and lost myself, spun arouand and around, because there were some lessons I needed to learn, and now my life goes on.

My friend to whom I gave Reiki texted me last night to tell me that the issue she had that brought her to me yesterday, had taken on a whole, different feeling.  The issue has to do with her sister, and is ongoing.  They talked, they both laughed, good healing belly laughs.  The issue remains, but my friend was able to support her sister, and lift her.  I was delighted.

My friend also has issues with her ankle.  It hurts her often and a lot.  She said it was killing her when she got here.  Last night she said she forgot about it, there was no pain from it at all.  I’m sure it’s not gone, the issue with her ankle, but I’m so happy she had some relief.

It is satisfying to be able to help people.  To reach outside my own issues, and leave them be.  To make a deeper connection with people close to me.

I found a great site for guided free meditations.  https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/     I did one this morning that was on “knowing”.  Takes you very deep, to rest in your knowing.  I found some peace there.  My solar plexus was very tight when I got there.  I did self-reiki on it, while I did the meditation.  It feels fine now.

I guess that the tightness was caused by left over emotions from last night’s twin flame revelation.  Right now, it means nothing, because we are apart, as we were before, and it’s not my job to wait for him to catch up, as my medium friend said.  It’s his to catch up. He doesn’t listen to his soul much, he doesn’t think he has one, or doesn’t think it’s connected to the loving energy of the universe. 

People will make any excuse for bad behavior won’t they?  If you can believe you are not connected then I suppose that gives you free rein to do whatever the heck your narcissistic ego tells you to. 

Not my problem.  It doesn’t matter.  I won’t bump into him again, unless he matures. 

 

 

 

Still Waiting…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Waiting-

Maybe I’m just tired tonight. It’s getting late for me, because I’m up so early. Maybe it’s because I was alone all day.

But I’m sad. Just, sad. I miss him, and I don’t. I remember how I loved him and I don’t anymore, but I miss loving him. I used to be able to call his name in my head, and I’d hear from him. I don’t now. I think about calling him that way, and then every version of the conversation that could possibly take place runs through my head and it’s never good, it never serves any purpose except to re-open old wounds.

I wish I could just let go. I wish I had no connection to him except the 18 months that I knew him. I wish I never knew what he felt, and I wish I had never called his name and had him answer. I wish he’d never said to me, “if something happened to you, I’d know. I’d just know.” Because if that’s true, he knows right now how my heart aches. And I believe it’s true, that he knows. Because I know when his does.

Right now, I know he doesn’t blame me, he doesn’t hate me. But he never wants to talk to me again, because it reminds him of how utterly stupid and self-absorbed and self-centered he is. And what he lost because of it. He knows he cannot hide from me, because he knows that my soul and his recognize each other over the lifetimes, even if he says, “We can’t know that…” Instead of me reminding him of the light that shines somewhere under all those layers of darkness that he hides under, I remind him of how he put his own interests ahead of everyone, and ended up with nothing and no one. A barren landscape that once held so much promise.  I never wanted to bring him shame. 

Why do I even care? I am strong, independent. I have created my life so that I can live it out the way I want to, and don’t need anyone. But I wanted him, I think that has gone on for a very long time. I knew this when we met, I knew that I already knew him.

I read a couple of old blogs from the 3 days over which the truth became known in November. I don’t know why I read them, maybe I was just trying to keep the memory of my disgust, my amazement at the depth of what he did, alive so I wouldn’t miss him, so I’d see how utterly without conscience he was.

I remembered all of that, but then I also remembered when I loved him. I also remembered when the end started, and I also remembered how I kept asking him to just let me go. I remembered how it unraveled slowly all summer and then he let it build back up, he pretended we were going to be together in the way I’d dreamed of for months. He let my emotions crescendo, maybe because he wanted to feel how much I loved him just one last time, just before he destroyed me.  It’s hard for me to imagine that he didn’t purposefully cause me all that pain.

I found this poem I wrote one week after I last talked to him, the day that she got my letter and I told him he was dead to me.  I’m going to put it here again, because I think it’s pertinent to the way I feel tonight. It’s called “Awaiting Transformation”

Day dawns,

First light glows the horizon

Soft pink

Where heaven meets earth.

The sky still indigo directly above,

With one solitary star still visible

On this cold clear November morning.

The trees are bare,

The earth in New England settles down

For a long winter nap.

All of the the past year’s leaves and flowers

Lay on the ground

Ready to begin their transformation.

We mourn their passing,

Yet

At the same time

We know at the first breath of spring

They will arise to become

something once again beautiful.

I will rest with them

Let my heart

Heal in the warm unconditional love

of the universe

All the pieces I have so carefully put back together,

And the ones I have not found yet,

Will meld together again,

Become whole once more.

I will leave the old hurts in the ground with the leaves

Covered in the blankets of snow

Knowing that the spring will come.

Awaiting transformation.