Tag Archives: love

Two Stubborn Leaves

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

I texted with S yesterday, and this morning.  I think what was said, needed to be said.  A few of the pieces of my heart that had been so tentatively put back in place, crumbled and fell off.  I’ll pick them up, and put them back, and let the light in to heal them into something more beautiful.  I finally had to stop.  I can’t really do it.  I need to move on, not remind myself, or be reminded, of what was, and what happened.  There is no closure.  There is no way to end it well.  So we always just fade away, we don’t say good bye, we don’t say good luck, we don’t say anything.  I say, I’ll always love you.  He says, I miss you.

But he does nothing to change the decision he made.  We hang there, like the last stubborn leaves on a tree in the fall. Refusing to fall off, to be raked up, to be transformed.

I am about to let go.  I have to move on.  For real, not for a few days.

I may find the love of my life.  I may move by summer.  I will always love him.  But I will let go.  So I can go on living.  I’m tired.  I’m empty.  I’m letting go, strand by strand.  Soon the last one will slip out of my hands, and I’ll be gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Ending and a Beginning. They Are the Same Thing.

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s been a good day.  The north wind blew in and it was blustery, probably the first day this season with a wind chill.

In Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert says “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.”  I would have to agree.  Complete chaos ensued from the devastation of my life.  But now, 6 weeks later, I can see the unfolding of a new life for me, with clarity.  I see what I was not getting from that relationship, and how I just accepted it as it was.  Seriously, I was unfulfilled in many ways, and always deferring to his wishes. If I asked for myself, it would only be once, most of the time.  “No” is just too much rejection for a simple request.  I learned to find happiness with what I was given.  For awhile.  Because I loved him so much.  I was always dreaming of the day when he’d want me the way I wanted him.

It was never gonna happen.

Eventually, I wanted out, because I was unhappy.  Most of the summer.  He talked me down, he kept me engaged.  I don’t know why he did.  We rarely saw each other.  What did it matter?   I settled for misery because I loved him.  Time and time again, he pushed me away, til I left and then reeled me back in til he had me.

He should have told me about Betty Boop wanting back into his life.  Or him wanting her.  He just should have been honest with me and let me know the truth.  He knew neither she nor I would share him.  So he lies to her about it, and tries to convince me there’s nothing wrong with it.  He should have told me, and let me walk away with some dignity.  Instead of dealing a crushing blow to me. A blow that left me face down in the dirt, gasping for air, while he danced.

He chose BB because she doesn’t want anymore than his warm body in bed once a week.  And that’s what he wants, someone who asks nothing more of him. Who doesn’t even ask much of him there.  I caused endless problems between us because I was not satisfied with less than.

We have had an uncanny connection, I think more from my end than his.  He used to have it, he would call when I was thinking of him.  I have always been able to feel when things aren’t right with him. The day his friend died.  Different days and nights I wondered if he was ok, and he wasn’t.  Sometimes I knew, and didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to know.  Just the other day, with his health.  I am still concerned with that, I’m not sure that was what I had the intuitive feeling about. Waking up to middle of the night phone calls or texts.  The morning he dropped his bomb on me, I sat there shaking, knowing there was something terrible about to happen.  I even blogged about it, how I was trying to talk myself down.  But my intuition was right.  My world was forever changed that day.

It felt like I would die.  And I was dying.  The me that kept giving in, and giving up, and accepting being treated poorly, and accepted less than I deserved, and so little real fulfillment, did die.  That day, and on the ensuing days.  And now, I have been reborn, transformed as Liz Gilbert says.  I have lost some of my excess weight.  I have done my work, I have looked within to see why I accept less than I want.  I defined what values were important to me.  I have realized that unconditional love has to be extended to ourselves first.  We have to value ourselves first, and only then can we offer anything to anyone else.

I am proud of my ability to show up, to get into the arena and be seen, and dare to love with my whole heart.  I don’t regret for a moment that I loved S.  But now, I won’t accept a one way street again.  What he has with the Boop, I don’t want.  I want connection.  Love.  Happiness.  I loved being in love. I want to be loved back.  This life is too precious to waste it away on trivial sex without connection, on a love that only goes one way, in a relationship that makes you cry as much as laugh.

I want more.

My heart is open to all the endless possibilities.  I am transformed. I am stronger than I ever was.  I am more focused.  I am more sure of myself, and what I want.  I can find and make very happy someone whose happiness will also depend on my being happy.  An energetic circle, where the beginning and ending are blurred, because eventually, they are the same thing.

Making Heartspace

Posted on by learning to live like water

Got my new computer, and partly set up.   So glad to be back on line, but I’m not used to this keyboard yet, lol.

I never heard from S.  I guess he’s not talking to me.  I sent him a last message asking if he’s really never going to talk to me again.  I said, I loved you so much, please don’t do this.

But apparently he’s going to.

I had stop at the store and get cream for coffee in the morning, and I’ve been a little sad all afternoon, once I realized I was checking my email incessantly for a message that wasn’t going to come.  But when I left the store, I had a little heart to heart with myself, and realized that I don’t want to get back with him, I don’t want to have sex with him, I just wanted him to be in my life on some level, maybe because I’m used to having him there.  I will always love him, always miss him, but he’s got to travel his path, whatever it is.  I would have liked to see him once more, just to maybe smooth over some of the really hard parts, and let him go on a positive, or more positive note.  But if it can’t be, it can’t be. He did a lot of damage to me, but I am strong, I’ll be fine.  My door will remain open.  I wish him nothing but love.

I got home, and began to set up my computer, turned on the tv and saw the horrible news from Paris.  So sad, so senseless.  The misery that humans are capable of wreaking on each other is just mind boggling.  Fear and hate.  Just so sad.  My heart goes out to Paris tonight.

I left my phone in another room while I was working on the computer.  When I went to get it, I saw that the man I had kind of expected to talk to last night, had called tonight.  He left a voice mail, and said he’d connect with me over the weekend.  I called him back, and left a short voice mail, so he’d know when I’d be around this weekend.  I liked the energy of his voice at any rate.  It seems that he called within minutes of me coming to terms with the fact that S wasn’t going to respond to my messages, and he’s blocked my phone. I’ve known that holding onto S and A would keep my heart closed to a new man who might be perfect.  I don’t know if this man is it, of course, but i do think that I freed up the energy and the space for the possibility.

Love and light.

Truth, Wounds, Scars

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m at work now, using my computer there.  This will have to be quick, lol.

I was hoping that the blog I had written but not finished might have been saved by WP, because sometimes when i have inadvertently lost it by flipping a page or some other weird malfunction of cyberspace, it shows back up in the form of a message that I had a blog started, do I want to restore it.

But no, of course not, this time.

I wrote that A has been backing off since I told him not to come.  While he was ok on Tuesday after I told him, yesterday I barely heard from him, though at night I did get my normal “Goodnight sweetie” with some hearts.  I know he is having to face the fact that there is no future for us, and I won’t press him, I’ll just be here when and if he wants to talk about it.  I did hear from him this morning a bit…but not as much as usual, and with much less emotion.  It’s all good.  I couldn’t have led him on, who can live with that kind of stress.  If I don’t feel it I can’t do it.  Simple.

Much better not to lead him down a path to believe there’s something there, as happened to me with S.  No devastation.  Hard truth, but the pain is so much easier to bear, when the truth is known up front.

I realized too, that what has hurt me the most about the unknown FB account, was not just the lies and deception about having it at all, and realizing that he has been in contact with BB for a long time, but just as much if not more, because I realized that there are people that he lets into his life fully, that knew about and could comment on his FB page.  Here was the pic of his friend, and BB could comment on it, and I was the one who ran to his side when his friend died, and was excluded.  I was always excluded, it was always a problem for me, not to know anyone, to be his secret. When he got a phone call and I was in the car he might say I’m not alone, he never said, I’m here with Deb.  Because no one knew about me.

Just opened another wound up a little.  It’s probably why I’ve been hurting all week.  To love someone so much and have it shoved in my face, again, that I was just on the periphery of their life.  Never to mean really anything.

So, I am healing, once again.  I have a gong bath tonight, and some events this weekend that will help.  One of these days all the wounds will be healed, scarred over enough that they can’t be reopened.

Still rising…..

New Moon

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for New Moon

Tomorrow is the new moon.  The day of the month that the dark side of the moon faces the earth.  It is a time to set intentions about what you want to bring into your life.  It’s a time to be introspective, and commit to a new vision.

I am thinking about my intention.  Where do I go from here?  There is no S, only a friendship with A.  With my ex there is just the old stand-off.  I have a good life, all in all. But Ive taken a set back in the recent months.  I have been writing obsessively, trying to get back on my feet.

Inexplicably, I still miss S from time to time.  The S I knew, the one that really never was. I guess for about 6 months he was this guy, because he was consistently this guy, day in and day out.  Then the man just disappeared, he morphed into the old S, the one I never knew that I only heard stories about. The guy I loved was so cool.  But, he was my fantasy.  It was fun to live while I lived it.  When it crashed and burned it almost killed me though.

A….God, he is the sweetest man I’ve ever met.  He is all about me, all the time, but there are some things, that don’t bother me from 2000 miles away, that would bother me day to day.  Still…I was so loathe to hurt him today.  He told me he was “giddy” at the thought of spending 2 weeks with me.  There are times when I really want to “rest in his love” as he put it…but it just feels dishonest.  I can’t reciprocate that kind of love.

Back to my intentions.

  1. To stop obsessing about any of these men. Wasting a lot of energy on it, and there is nothing workable there.
  2. Open my sacral chakra back up.  It’s been closed since S has been out of my life.  It is where our sexuality is centered, but also, where our creativity is.  I’m going to work on opening my creativity back up.  Put that energy that I’ve been stifling because it made me miss him so much, into something productive, and beautiful.  Something that is uniquely me.
  3. To stop beating myself up as not good enough.  Rejection is so hard to take, when you’ve given all you have and then some.   I’ve been working on this, but I still find myself going there occasionally.  I suppose time and distance will help to resolve those emotions. But so will setting an intention on the New Moon.
  4. To begin open my heart to allowing in someone new, someone who wants what I want, can make me laugh but not cry, and love passionately. I’m a little afraid, really….to put myself out there at the moment.  So, one of my intentions will be to let go the fear that comes from hitting the floor so hard.

I have had a lump in my throat all day, since I talked to my ex this morning.  Not because I loved him or wanted him, but to see what he’s done to his life is just so sad.  Then I think about S, and how much he’s like my ex, and what he’s doing to his life with all the lies and deceit that are so unnecessary.  Especially with me.  I was like the girl in Jerry Maguire “You had me at hello.”  He didn’t need to hide or embellish.  He was so lovable just as he was.  But then, no one really knows him, so I can only say I loved that man that I knew.  I think I knew the most honest version of him that anyone did.  But that man’s gone now, so I let my love for him go with him, out into the universe.

Anyway, new moon. New intentions.  I have a first phone call with a seemingly nice man tomorrow night.  I hope he isn’t boring! He doesn’t seem so in his messages.  Seems willing to jump into the arena and be seen.

Maybe the new moon is a good time for that first phone call.

Waking Up With a Heavy Heart

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke up this morning, sure I don’t want A to come here.  Now I have to tell him. Not looking forward to that.  He is so sweet, he will be so hurt.  But everything in me is saying no….

Now that he wants to come for 2 weeks, he will be disappointed with less, and I realize that while I love and appreciate him so much, I am not in love with him.  I can’t pretend that for 1 day, let alone 5 days, or 2 weeks.  I don’t act, I can’t lie.  So, I’ll have to deal with that soon. Whenever I have an unpleasant task to do, I need to do it, as quickly as possible.  It weighs on me not to.  I wish I could match his affection for me.  He so deserves it.  But I don’t, I can’t, I’ve known him long enough to know that it’s not happening for me.

I was thinking about my ex and S, how similar they are, that they so don’t believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, that they fabricate a whole world to manipulate people into their lives.  I can’t imagine having to wake up every day and have to face that.  I mean, to the point that the whole world is skewed, that they believe the people who really do love them are trying to get something from them.  They look with disdain on the people who just love them, because those people innocently believed the carefully crafted lies that have been woven to make themselves acceptable to others.

I feel full of love and compassion for those two men this morning.  If they could just see that they are lovable.  In my ex’s case, he hides from the world.  His cousin in Florida called me the other night, to get his phone number because she wanted to check on him.  She doesn’t understand him.  I tried to explain that he doesn’t want to be known, he wouldn’t even tell me where he was living. I found out from my old next door neighbor that he is renting the cottage right next door to the house he lived in for 40 years.  But the cousin just doesn’t understand that he’s alone out of choice.

S…still wants to draw people into his life, but with lies and deception.  He doesn’t believe anyone can really love him the way I did…just because he is.  He thinks, as my ex does, that if you love someone that way you are just stupid, naive. I always said I saw him, I have told him that since forever.  I still see  him.  I still see that soul inside of him that just wants to be loved, but he’s crafted so many lies and such deception, and so convinced himself that love is not real….he also crafts a world in which he is alone, and no one really knows him.  And if someone does…like me….he runs away from them.  Afraid they will destroy the false world he’s put together. Both men believe they have to be separate to protect themselves, when the truth is we are all connected.

I have not heard a word out of S, in over a week.  I imagine that he was thinking he was punishing me, but now he is probably feeling a lot of shame at having been found out.  When I left him a voice mail, I tried to convey that I am not judging him, I see him, I know why he’s done what he’s done.  I feel sorry for him, is all, that he believes the only way he can keep people in his life is to craft a fake self that he thinks is more lovable than his true self.  Just so sad.

It’s not my job to teach either one of these men.  It is my job, when and if I ever interact with them, to extend love and compassion as much as possible.

Too much heavy crap on my mind this morning. I’m going to deal with A today somehow.  And then forget about the mess that S and my ex have created for themselves, and be grateful for all the blessings I have.

Answers, and More Questions

Posted on by learning to live like water

I don’t know what to do.

After all the stupid bs with S in the last 12 hours, I needed to put it to rest and focus on my own life.  I was afraid he was going to so freak out that he’d show up at my house, with his eyes glazed over or something.  (Not that I’ve ever seen him like that, but he’s got a temper and he used to just withdraw when he lost it, because, he said, “people get hurt when I get mad.”)  So in an effort to avoid another ugly scene, I called and left him a voice mail, trying to reassure him I had no interest in communicating with Betty Boop.  But if he needed to talk to me about it, to reassure himself, then to leave me a voice mail and I’d call him back. I have not heard so I guess he’s ok with it.  I hope.

That’s the end of it for me.  I got my answers, finally, as to what happened to our relationship, and now I can leave it in peace.  What goes on between the two of them, whatever happens, I want it to be a result of the way they treat and respect and care for each other, I want nothing to do with it. It’s so far from anything I’d even dream of, I can leave it behind me without another thought.

When I got home, it was already late, and I’d promised A I would call so we could discuss him coming here for Christmas.  I had a headache from work which is insanely busy as I cover two desks, and from the ridiculous situation with S.  It all gave me a massive headache.

I don’t want to talk to A about the S situation.  It’s too stupid and sick to even tell someone.  I think he is sick to death of hearing about S, as am I, but the guy keeps popping into my life from the sidelines.  So I didn’t tell A about the dream, or about all the lies I uncovered today, because it’s all irrelevant to anything except giving me the answers I wanted.  Well, it was relevant I guess, because it distracted me.  I don’t feel I can talk to  him about it, bottom line.

I thought A was going camping until Dec. 29 and he could come here the next day and stay until I went back to work, the 5th.  He got so excited, that without discussing it, he canceled his camping plans and now wants to come for 2 weeks.  And that terrifies me, I would like 5 or 6 days, but 2 weeks?  I don’t want to live with him….I really care for him, and it will hurt him if I don’t want it.  I don’t want to hurt him, but man he’s always jumping ahead of me.

Before I called him, I sat in silence, and did about a 10 minute self-reiki session.  Trying to unblock myself, trying to be able to hear what my intuition is telling me.  My third eye chakra was friggin pulsing.  My heart felt blocked.  I think that even though I was over S before I even found them out, to discover the huge mass of lies just made my heart chakra close up a little.  Or a lot.  I don’t know.

So A and I talked.  He’s flying across the country, he wants to stay for a while.  While I get that, I’m not ready for it.  I don’t want company for that long, I am so independent, I am not ready for him to move in here, with no options to stay anywhere else.  He wants us to see how we are for the long haul, I want to spend 2 weeks together when I know already that I want it.

I told A I needed to run it by my son, because he lives here, and I think he deserves a say in it.  My son’s reaction was like mine, 2 weeks?  That’s a long time.

When I hung up, I felt pressured.  I told him he always jumps in and gets so far ahead of where I am.  This is all why I don’t think a long distance relationship will work for me.  It has to grow on me, I can’t force it.  I’m afraid A has grown on me as much as he’s going to.  And I know he’s so in love with me.  I’m trying really, I’ve always tried.

I asked him to let it roll around my head for another day or two. Maybe I’m just worn out. I don’t think that’s it.  I just don’t have the energy to have to pull in the reins on him,constantly.  Not when I’ve just gotten my hands burned letting them go with S. I just need to be alone I think.  Even though I’m sick of being alone.

I guess I already know what the answer is. It’s gonna break his heart.

Trying to Honor Myself

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ok.  So this weekend I didn’t make it through Saturday. I sent  him a email, I didn’t unblock him. A quick, short one.  I was worried about a medical problem he has, I don’t know if I made it up, or not.  Probably, an excuse to contact him.    He’s not answered. He’s with her.  He won’t answer until she’s gone or he’s home. If at all.  Probably better if he doesn’t.  I’d have to let go a little more.

I missed him something fierce this morning.  This afternoon, I’m better.  It’s all probably because I’m so tired.

Maybe I’ll make it through Sunday.  Who knows?

I walked with my ex’s cousin this morning, maybe 3 miles.  I talked about my lesson, from S.  I said, “I think it was the other part of unconditional love.  That we have to extend it to ourselves, first.  Not everyone will be open to the concept.  That’s their journey.”

Her response was, “I hate it when people say to love yourself, and people pretend that they are just awesome because they love themselves, so nothing bothers them.”

I expected that at some point S would find it irresistible, to be loved so limitlessly.  But he didn’t want to be loved at all.  He didn’t want the responsibility, he didn’t want to give of himself that way.  I don’t believe he loves her.  Not when he was asking me to come see him the minute she left last week. He’s using her, she’s blissfully ignorant of what he’s up to (thus my poem “Not Ignorant Bliss.)  in my profound belief in the power o unconditional love, I loved him anyway.  I still love him anyway.

What I realized is that loving yourself unconditionally doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful, that you are so great, that you are impervious to hurt.  I realized that loving yourself means that when you hurt, you honor that hurt.  When you are angry, you honor that.  When you are in love, you honor that.  Even if you are in love with someone who can’t or won’t for any reason, love you back.  If you miss someone, then miss them. If you are lonely, be lonely.  Honor it.  Honor what you feel.  Don’t run from it.

Sit with it.  Allow it.  It’s human, we are human.  We are spiritual beings, having a human experience.  So experience it, the whole human perspective.  That’s the lesson.  I had to have unbearable pain to learn this.  I had to love  someone beyond reason and limit to learn this.  I had to miss someone so much, that it still can render me almost senseless, to learn this.

I thought I knew it.  I even wrote a blog about it, a long time ago.  But I didn’t know it, until I experienced this, to this degree.  Knowing it, will help me heal.  Because you don’t sit with it once, and it’s over.  You sit with it in waves, some huge rogue waves, some just momentary swells.  Some of them knock you down, and leave you gasping for air.  Some of them just make you wobbly on your feet for a moment.

There’s no rule.  They comes as they come.

Take them as they come, and honor each one, and live through it, and realize how strong you are, because you did.

Listen to me preaching.  It’s hard, it’s fucking hard.  But there are no real options, except to honor it, and get through it.  And so we, the broken-hearted, continue in our quest to find a way through it, so we can one day love again.

No Rumbling Tonight.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am almost out of wine, not a good situation on a Friday night,  I think I have enough to get me by tonight.

I missed S for less than a second.  I missed A more, because I would have been safe with A.  I’m a little sick of living on the edge.   Which I always was.  Sometimes with my toes hanging off, leaning back on my heels to stay out of the abyss.

A pulls me back.  Keeps me attached.  Keeps me on solid ground.  S pushes me over the edge and can’t understand why I’m screaming. So I stopped giving him the opportunity.

Every day things come up that I’d like to be able to tell him, that I know he’d get, and maybe no one else would.  But I don’t, I won’t.  It just opens the door to all the emotions I have to heal from. I talk to A.  It’s not the same connection, but whatever it is, it’s a loving connection, where he puts me first.

I chose not to tell A about the dream.  He doesn’t need to know, he just needs to know I’ve worked through a lot of stuff.  While I think he’d get it on some level, he might get upset with the energetic connection, communication, I had (have? possibly..) with S. Even though I told him to leave, the overall idea might be upsetting to him.  Because it was definitely something. And I’m not at all surprised, that we communicated that way, though it was distressing.  I called the psychic today, left a message.  I’m anxious to see her  I hope she can see me next week, but I have no idea how she schedules.

I still don’t know how I feel about A.  Tonight I miss him, but I’m also feeling that’s just because I’m lonely and he’s so present with me.  I know he’d make me feel good, important, beautiful.  I’ll just let it be tonight.  I’m too tired to try to do any serious investigating.  No serious rumbling tonight.

Peace out.  Love and light.

Turning the Love Inward

Posted on by learning to live like water

Letting go?  Have I really done it?  For the last month, I have thought I had many times, then a wave would wash over me, I would remember his cruelty in the way he dumped me, I would be so jealous that he was with her.  The pain would try once again to drown me. I don’t know, this is different.

I just don’t care.

And I can still say, as in the poster I have on my last blog, that I love the 100 things about him still, and always will.  I feel affection for the memories and the man, I just don’t feel the pain.  I am ready, and moving, on.

Whatever that dream was….I am sure it allowed me to energetically let go, which is what I HAD to do. Our connection has always been so energetic, more than any other way.  I don’t feel the pull.  I don’t feel wrapped up in his energetic energy cords.  My body, my heart, my soul, once again are free to shine.

I still have him blocked, for the time being I will leave it that way.  This is our last text.  You will see how juvenile it is…

last text

When I blocked him, I wasn’t even mad. I was just sick of it.  Sick of the juvenile conversation.  Sick of the bullshit, of listening (or reading) him say whatever was convenient, whatever he thought would change my mind.  Or, having to deal with his anger when I didn’t change my mind, and put the truth in front of him. This conversation had gone on for the entire month since he let Betty Boop back into his life.  I didn’t tell  him I’d call the police because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to give him any way to access me. I needed it to stop, fully and finally.  It was over.  He pretended to end it, the day he chose her, but he couldn’t really let go.  So I finished it off.

Four days later, as if because there was no other way, he came into my dream, trying to still convince me, continuing the conversation.  Telling him then, in the midst of love-making, to leave….and standing my ground, surprises and now, delights me.  Delights me, because I took my life back, when I was the most vulnerable, I was still strong.  I let go.

I want it to remain finished, so I will leave him blocked.

And I will become stronger and stronger. My light will get brighter and brighter, until it dazzles the man I’m looking for.

Feeling my happy self this morning, the way I was 2 years ago, before he showed up in my life, to teach me this lesson.

The lesson, that I am worthy of love and belonging, that no one can make me feel otherwise.  That people all have free will, to learn their lessons or not.  To set themselves up to repeat them over and over, til they choose to learn them, or to learn them quickly, and move forward.  In the grand scope of things, I am not unsatisfied with the length of time it took me to get this lesson.  It was important.  Unconditional love is not just for others.  It’s for ourselves too.  First.  I loved myself enough to let go.