Mercury Retrograde?? NOW? Come on….

I just saw on FB that Mercury went retrograde yesterday. I checked, www.ismercuryinretrograde.com, and yes, it will be that way until Sept. 22. When Mercury is in retrograde the site says, “Yes, that may account for the weirdness….”

If you are unaware of what it means, astrologically Mercury governs communication and intellect. When it’s in retrograde, communication of all types can become difficult.  Decisions can be harder to make.

This concerns me, because Mercury retrograde is not a good time to start anything new. And…I and my son are starting EVERYTHING new during this time. New lives, new places to live, he a new job, me retirement.

Yikes.

This time-table is not of our choosing. So we will have to work through it. It seems we have done all the prep in times when Mercury was not retrograde.

I have to believe the time-table has been set by the universe and meant to be.

It’s also a new moon, tomorrow. Which I hope takes precedence over Mercury’s antics. The new moon is the best time to set intentions for what you want, to plant the seeds that will blossom into your life. Both my son and I have been doing this for some time.

While I believe these things, Mercury Retrograde, and the New Moon, can energetically affect us all, I don’t believe that they are over-riding and can undo months of planning, and strength of desires, and beliefs. What having this knowledge does for me, is make me more aware of my world, of the energies that wrap around us moment by moment. For example, retrograde may have contributed to me waking up at 4:30 this morning, but not as much as the fact that my son and I are leaving for Denver day after tomorrow, and I keep replaying the lists of things that need to be accomplished before we leave, and after I get back.

So, off I go today on my list of chores, knowing that I may have to work through a little more resistance than I would have expected. Maybe I’ll have a little New Moon ceremony tomorrow, light a candle and set intentions for our trip that it all go smoothly and easily. Couldn’t hurt. I tend to believe more in positive energy (setting intentions) than negative energy (Mercury retrograde). I think the positive energy is far more powerful.

Love and light, all.

Haiku No. 129: Ancient Connection (4 parts)

connection2

Imperceptible
Except to her, she could feel
His torment, or joy.

It ran through her soul
Igniting threads, erratic
But never-ending.

Most days she ignored
The twinkling showers of sparks
Some days were blinding.

Honor connection
It is ancient, and holy
She’s known him, always.

Sorting, Cleaning, and Organizing a Shift in My Thinking

change-thoughts

This picture at the top is a description of what happened to me today. I’m having a glass of wine, after spending the day cleaning, sorting, tossing, organizing. My nightstands were first. Put the stack of books next to my bed into a box of books that will go with me. Put away the prism light, tho not too far away. Both my nightstands are covered in crystals, which I love. I’ll put them away for the pictures, but then bring them back out.

My dresser, yikes. I have so much jewelry! All but a few odd pieces are things I made. Necklaces, bracelets, wire-wrapped pendants, earrings. How to organize it, so I can still use it, and so it can be hidden for the pictures. I think I figured it out, we’ll see.

Then I went to the spare bedroom closets. I cleaned them out of junk awhile back. But today I pulled out pants and sweaters that I haven’t worn, mostly too big, and won’t need in Florida. Two garbage bags full. Probably take them to Savers, the proceeds all go to Big Brothers and Sisters.

Then I went after two ginormous stacks of papers in one closet, all from my divorce. I can’t tell you how much paper there was, for a divorce that lasted 4 years, went to the Supreme Court. There were filings, depositions, motions, decisions, appeals, agreements (that’s a laugh….every one of them agreed to, none of the agreements kept by my ex), bank records, personal and our business, accounting records, spreadsheets, tax returns, yada yada yada.

It made me unbelievably sad. I found the mortgage deed to our first house, paid in full after 15 years. Our cute little cape cod house, with the slate roof, and 150′ of lake front. The promise was so sweet, we had the world by the tail. Except for the occasional outburst that would land dishes and food on the floor, broken and sprayed all over, for me to clean up. We had a set of collector plates, all Normal Rockwell plates, $40 each I think. He broke every one of them one night. I always thought it was my fault, I’d caused it, that’s what he told me. Sociopaths can be very convincing.

It’s all gone now. He fought to keep my name off the deed of that house, and it was a blessing in the end, because once the first mortgage was paid off, none of the debt that caused him to lose the house in foreclosure was mine. His little plan for power and control backfired.I The universe is self-correcting….

Then I found piles of my old journals. Hand-written on legal pads and spiral notebooks. I wrote them because I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to me, and to my son. I was embarrassed, ashamed, I thought it was my fault. I had to at least write it down, I had to at least release it to the universe. I’d never heard of blogging then.

While I was going through this, as if on cue, my phone started playing “The Prayer”. “Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.” He did……

I went from the sweet promise of our first home, to hating every minute in that house. Hating to come home from work, never knowing what I’d walk into.

I found the mortgage papers for this house where I live now, after I found the demand letters from my atty to his, saying ok, the Supreme Court says pay her, so pay her. Thank God I left when I did, before he had gone through all the money we spent all those years working for. He still blew his portion, which was more than half. But I got enough to start over, and for that I am eternally grateful to the Universe.

I’ve been so happy here. My son has been so happy here. We had five good years here. Full of love and light and joy. Friends, and family. Spontaneous get-togethers. I think even Scott liked the energy here, he used to love to sit on the deck and talk til the wee hours our first summer together. Even our second summer, we still sat out there talking, though it was not as often, he had Betty then. I will be sad to leave here, but look forward to my future life.

Funny though, when I found all the stuff about my ex, the divorce papers, the journals….I just wanted to pitch them. Been holding onto them all these years, and now, I wanted that part of my life over. And I thought, I think it’s time to say the same about my loving Scott. I need for that to be over too, in my head. It’s still fresh, and I’m still attached by the energy, but it’s over. Today I realized that at the end of the day, I don’t feel much different about him than I do my ex. Sad for them, sad for the promise that never blossomed.

I had a bunch of cassette tapes I took with me when I left my ex. I put them all in a bag today when I came across them and I’m going to give them to him. I have nowhere to play them, he has a cassette player in all three of his cars. I also have a bunch of LP’s that I took with me. Vinyl records. But I’m keeping them, I want to get a turn-table some day.

My sister called me today. So full of excitement about my house, she got me refreshed as to the good things that I have in front of me. She’s scoped out windows for the house, she says her hubby is itching to go do work on the little house. I have gone to sleep thinking about my cute little yellow Florida house with the orange shutters and green trim, and the palm tree at the corner of the house. She can’t wait to help me landscape the yard, she has such good knowledge of what plants will do well, which ones won’t. She is a great gardener. We’ll take lunch breaks on the beach. 🙂 🙂

We talked about how fun it will be for us to live close to each other. We haven’t lived near each other since we left home. She exclaimed…. “I love your little town, I’ll be coming over there all the time!!!” I am looking so forward to being able to say “Hey why don’t you come over for dinner tonight…” Or lunch, or whatever. Just to hang out with my sis, my family. To be able to run to Long Boat and watch the sun go down with her and her hubby over the Gulf.

I’ve been chatting with a man all week, a different kind of guy. He knows I’m moving. He is kind, centered, from what I can tell, spiritual. We have spoken on the phone. He isn’t pressing for anything, except a friendship, meaning, he seems willing to let things happen in their own time. I have not told him of my recent heartache, it seems irrelevant to our very budding relationship. I’m not looking for a relationship. Just someone to do things with maybe and have some fun. It’s nice to talk to a man without an agenda.

I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, covering my life, really, my whole adult life today, in the cleaning out and organizing and shedding of those things which no longer serve me. The men I loved, I still love. Some more than others, for sure. I wish good things for them. I hope my ex can find some joy. I hope Scott does too. My life moves onward. Joyfully.

Love and light…..

Sunday Thoughts

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….

Along For The Ride

 

joy.jpg

Crazy day.  I went back to work for 4 hours after the emergency room visit.  Then I raced home to meet with my realtor at my house at 6 PM..  I won’t be listing it for what I’d hoped, the market it just swarmed with houses in this price range.  But not a lot less.  I’ll be fine.  She made a bunch of suggestions most of which I was doing anyway.

As soon as she left I heard from the Florida realtor.  All is progressing as I’d like it to there.

It’s coming together.  I can’t even say “slow but sure” because since I went to Florida it’s moving at light speed.  I feel like I am being pulled along some hyper drive pathway at the moment.  It’s kinda cool, actually.  I’m not expending a ton of effort, it seems it’s just falling into place.

When I came home to get my son, the guy was here looking at the lawn and flower and shrubs beds, and he said he’ll give me a call, to give me prices.  Happy about that!

So where am I?  Moving at light speed from the old stuff.  Stuff which kept me down, kept me insecure, kept me fearful, and unfulfilled. Every day those emotions seem more foreign to me, to who I am, to what I want to do with my life.  I feel armed now, with the knowledge of how intensely I am capable of loving someone, of the knowledge of how to let trust be built with another person, and the joy that comes when pain no longer exists.

Life is changing so fast, but it’s changing in the direction that I’m comfortable with.  It’s not freaking me out, it’s actually calming me.  Kinda cool.  I’m just along for the ride of a lifetime.

Love and light.

More Strange Dreams

dreams

 

Some more weird dreams. I felt wrapped in darkness when I woke up this morning. I was wishing the sun was up, but it’s going to be a rainy stormy day here.  I had three dreams, I don’t know what order I had them in. The first one is why I felt the darkness. When I woke up I wondered intensely if he was ok, if maybe he had died. I even asked the pendulum, that’s how dark I felt. The pendulum assured me he was breathing.

There is a tree in a planter pot, like you might see on someone’s deck. It is inside. Scott and I have been growing this tree. It is in my house. He does not live there. I call him to tell him we are going to lunch. He does not answer. I see the tree, and the growth on the top of it has been cut off, and I know he cut it and took it. And now he won’t answer the phone. The stump which is left is about 2” in diameter, and when I look closely, it seems that it was cut so smoothly it looks like molded plastic, and is all the same color. Like it’s no longer a real or living thing.

The tree is the relationship that we were growing. To cut a tree means wasting you are wasting your energy on something foolish. However, I didn’t cut it, he did, in my dream. A withered or dead tree means your hopes and dreams have been dashed. I didn’t cut the tree, and it wasn’t dead before it was cut. It was cut by Scott, and the live beautiful part was taken, leaving me the part with no growth, which then turned into something not even alive. It seems to me, as best I can tell, that he grew it with me, til there was something there, and then he took, stole, the good part, the part with all the energy, killing the tree. Leaving my hopes and dreams dashed. If you are cutting something down it represents a broken relationship or severed connection, but I didn’t do the cutting, he did, in the dream, and in real life.

To dream that you do not want to return a call or answer a ringing telephone indicates a lack of communication. There is a situation or relationship that you are trying to keep at a distance. It was he that did this. He wouldn’t answer the phone, cutting off the communication, keeping me at a distance in the dream. In real life, I have cut him off, by blocking him. But he has not tried to reach me either, nor responded to the one message I sent him.

This dream takes me back to the medium who told me in December that he was an energy vampire. He grew the tree with me, and then stole the good part, severed the relationship, leaving me with something that was not even alive, devastating me. He’s cut off communication, since the one message I sent him he wouldn’t answer. He has taken all the good stuff we had for himself. Energy vampire, for sure. Thinking that he would have all the good stuff to himself, and use it for himself. Not understanding it was our connection, the energy of us both that made it grow.

The second dream was driving, again.

I was driving, it feels like a truck of some kind. Maybe a U-Haul, because a friend was telling me on the phone last night that I should rent a U-Haul for my son to move his stuff to CO. I was with someone, I don’t know who. There were piles of logs beside the road, huge piles, many piles.

To see a log in your dream represents a significant and meaningful aspect of yourself. It may reflect some subconscious idea. Alternatively, a log signifies a transformation. You are headed toward a new direction in your life.

That’s pretty self-explanatory. In combination with the first dream….It seems that I am moving on from the ugly stuff of the first dream.  Definitely headed in a new direction.

Then I dreamed that my mother was with me, and we were making hot dogs, lol. To see or eat a hot dog in your dream is phallic symbol representing masculinity, sexual energy, and vigor. Alternatively, a hot dog refers to simple and short-lived pleasures. Since it is obviously not the first meaning, I would say it is certainly the second, to have my mom there was a simple and short-lived pleasure while I slept.

I feel less dark, having taken the time to interpret these dreams. I don’t understand why I am suddenly remembering my dreams in such detail. But I am, and it’s giving me a better understanding of my life, of where I’ve been, and a lot of hope for my future. It’s helping me to put the past in the past and leave it there.

I still love the man, the soul of the man. But these dreams are giving me clarity on who he is, making the letting go an easier process. Because in the end, he did take the good from me, which was the unconditional love I offered him, the love without limits, without reason, just because he existed, and left me without much of anything, except a bunch of memories. I hope the love lifts him, when he needs it, so that it wasn’t all for naught. I apparently feel like he stole it from me, but he didn’t. I gave it willingly, and it’s his to keep, nor does he need to feel guilty that he has it, and didn’t give it back. I’m content with what he left me. I know my future is bright, it is exciting. Everything points to me moving into a wonderful new life.

Whew. That was a lot of work to start at 5:30 AM. Lol.