Sorting, Cleaning, and Organizing a Shift in My Thinking

change-thoughts

This picture at the top is a description of what happened to me today. I’m having a glass of wine, after spending the day cleaning, sorting, tossing, organizing. My nightstands were first. Put the stack of books next to my bed into a box of books that will go with me. Put away the prism light, tho not too far away. Both my nightstands are covered in crystals, which I love. I’ll put them away for the pictures, but then bring them back out.

My dresser, yikes. I have so much jewelry! All but a few odd pieces are things I made. Necklaces, bracelets, wire-wrapped pendants, earrings. How to organize it, so I can still use it, and so it can be hidden for the pictures. I think I figured it out, we’ll see.

Then I went to the spare bedroom closets. I cleaned them out of junk awhile back. But today I pulled out pants and sweaters that I haven’t worn, mostly too big, and won’t need in Florida. Two garbage bags full. Probably take them to Savers, the proceeds all go to Big Brothers and Sisters.

Then I went after two ginormous stacks of papers in one closet, all from my divorce. I can’t tell you how much paper there was, for a divorce that lasted 4 years, went to the Supreme Court. There were filings, depositions, motions, decisions, appeals, agreements (that’s a laugh….every one of them agreed to, none of the agreements kept by my ex), bank records, personal and our business, accounting records, spreadsheets, tax returns, yada yada yada.

It made me unbelievably sad. I found the mortgage deed to our first house, paid in full after 15 years. Our cute little cape cod house, with the slate roof, and 150′ of lake front. The promise was so sweet, we had the world by the tail. Except for the occasional outburst that would land dishes and food on the floor, broken and sprayed all over, for me to clean up. We had a set of collector plates, all Normal Rockwell plates, $40 each I think. He broke every one of them one night. I always thought it was my fault, I’d caused it, that’s what he told me. Sociopaths can be very convincing.

It’s all gone now. He fought to keep my name off the deed of that house, and it was a blessing in the end, because once the first mortgage was paid off, none of the debt that caused him to lose the house in foreclosure was mine. His little plan for power and control backfired.I The universe is self-correcting….

Then I found piles of my old journals. Hand-written on legal pads and spiral notebooks. I wrote them because I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to me, and to my son. I was embarrassed, ashamed, I thought it was my fault. I had to at least write it down, I had to at least release it to the universe. I’d never heard of blogging then.

While I was going through this, as if on cue, my phone started playing “The Prayer”. “Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.” He did……

I went from the sweet promise of our first home, to hating every minute in that house. Hating to come home from work, never knowing what I’d walk into.

I found the mortgage papers for this house where I live now, after I found the demand letters from my atty to his, saying ok, the Supreme Court says pay her, so pay her. Thank God I left when I did, before he had gone through all the money we spent all those years working for. He still blew his portion, which was more than half. But I got enough to start over, and for that I am eternally grateful to the Universe.

I’ve been so happy here. My son has been so happy here. We had five good years here. Full of love and light and joy. Friends, and family. Spontaneous get-togethers. I think even Scott liked the energy here, he used to love to sit on the deck and talk til the wee hours our first summer together. Even our second summer, we still sat out there talking, though it was not as often, he had Betty then. I will be sad to leave here, but look forward to my future life.

Funny though, when I found all the stuff about my ex, the divorce papers, the journals….I just wanted to pitch them. Been holding onto them all these years, and now, I wanted that part of my life over. And I thought, I think it’s time to say the same about my loving Scott. I need for that to be over too, in my head. It’s still fresh, and I’m still attached by the energy, but it’s over. Today I realized that at the end of the day, I don’t feel much different about him than I do my ex. Sad for them, sad for the promise that never blossomed.

I had a bunch of cassette tapes I took with me when I left my ex. I put them all in a bag today when I came across them and I’m going to give them to him. I have nowhere to play them, he has a cassette player in all three of his cars. I also have a bunch of LP’s that I took with me. Vinyl records. But I’m keeping them, I want to get a turn-table some day.

My sister called me today. So full of excitement about my house, she got me refreshed as to the good things that I have in front of me. She’s scoped out windows for the house, she says her hubby is itching to go do work on the little house. I have gone to sleep thinking about my cute little yellow Florida house with the orange shutters and green trim, and the palm tree at the corner of the house. She can’t wait to help me landscape the yard, she has such good knowledge of what plants will do well, which ones won’t. She is a great gardener. We’ll take lunch breaks on the beach. 🙂 🙂

We talked about how fun it will be for us to live close to each other. We haven’t lived near each other since we left home. She exclaimed…. “I love your little town, I’ll be coming over there all the time!!!” I am looking so forward to being able to say “Hey why don’t you come over for dinner tonight…” Or lunch, or whatever. Just to hang out with my sis, my family. To be able to run to Long Boat and watch the sun go down with her and her hubby over the Gulf.

I’ve been chatting with a man all week, a different kind of guy. He knows I’m moving. He is kind, centered, from what I can tell, spiritual. We have spoken on the phone. He isn’t pressing for anything, except a friendship, meaning, he seems willing to let things happen in their own time. I have not told him of my recent heartache, it seems irrelevant to our very budding relationship. I’m not looking for a relationship. Just someone to do things with maybe and have some fun. It’s nice to talk to a man without an agenda.

I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, covering my life, really, my whole adult life today, in the cleaning out and organizing and shedding of those things which no longer serve me. The men I loved, I still love. Some more than others, for sure. I wish good things for them. I hope my ex can find some joy. I hope Scott does too. My life moves onward. Joyfully.

Love and light…..

Sunday Thoughts

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….

Along For The Ride

 

joy.jpg

Crazy day.  I went back to work for 4 hours after the emergency room visit.  Then I raced home to meet with my realtor at my house at 6 PM..  I won’t be listing it for what I’d hoped, the market it just swarmed with houses in this price range.  But not a lot less.  I’ll be fine.  She made a bunch of suggestions most of which I was doing anyway.

As soon as she left I heard from the Florida realtor.  All is progressing as I’d like it to there.

It’s coming together.  I can’t even say “slow but sure” because since I went to Florida it’s moving at light speed.  I feel like I am being pulled along some hyper drive pathway at the moment.  It’s kinda cool, actually.  I’m not expending a ton of effort, it seems it’s just falling into place.

When I came home to get my son, the guy was here looking at the lawn and flower and shrubs beds, and he said he’ll give me a call, to give me prices.  Happy about that!

So where am I?  Moving at light speed from the old stuff.  Stuff which kept me down, kept me insecure, kept me fearful, and unfulfilled. Every day those emotions seem more foreign to me, to who I am, to what I want to do with my life.  I feel armed now, with the knowledge of how intensely I am capable of loving someone, of the knowledge of how to let trust be built with another person, and the joy that comes when pain no longer exists.

Life is changing so fast, but it’s changing in the direction that I’m comfortable with.  It’s not freaking me out, it’s actually calming me.  Kinda cool.  I’m just along for the ride of a lifetime.

Love and light.

More Strange Dreams

dreams

 

Some more weird dreams. I felt wrapped in darkness when I woke up this morning. I was wishing the sun was up, but it’s going to be a rainy stormy day here.  I had three dreams, I don’t know what order I had them in. The first one is why I felt the darkness. When I woke up I wondered intensely if he was ok, if maybe he had died. I even asked the pendulum, that’s how dark I felt. The pendulum assured me he was breathing.

There is a tree in a planter pot, like you might see on someone’s deck. It is inside. Scott and I have been growing this tree. It is in my house. He does not live there. I call him to tell him we are going to lunch. He does not answer. I see the tree, and the growth on the top of it has been cut off, and I know he cut it and took it. And now he won’t answer the phone. The stump which is left is about 2” in diameter, and when I look closely, it seems that it was cut so smoothly it looks like molded plastic, and is all the same color. Like it’s no longer a real or living thing.

The tree is the relationship that we were growing. To cut a tree means wasting you are wasting your energy on something foolish. However, I didn’t cut it, he did, in my dream. A withered or dead tree means your hopes and dreams have been dashed. I didn’t cut the tree, and it wasn’t dead before it was cut. It was cut by Scott, and the live beautiful part was taken, leaving me the part with no growth, which then turned into something not even alive. It seems to me, as best I can tell, that he grew it with me, til there was something there, and then he took, stole, the good part, the part with all the energy, killing the tree. Leaving my hopes and dreams dashed. If you are cutting something down it represents a broken relationship or severed connection, but I didn’t do the cutting, he did, in the dream, and in real life.

To dream that you do not want to return a call or answer a ringing telephone indicates a lack of communication. There is a situation or relationship that you are trying to keep at a distance. It was he that did this. He wouldn’t answer the phone, cutting off the communication, keeping me at a distance in the dream. In real life, I have cut him off, by blocking him. But he has not tried to reach me either, nor responded to the one message I sent him.

This dream takes me back to the medium who told me in December that he was an energy vampire. He grew the tree with me, and then stole the good part, severed the relationship, leaving me with something that was not even alive, devastating me. He’s cut off communication, since the one message I sent him he wouldn’t answer. He has taken all the good stuff we had for himself. Energy vampire, for sure. Thinking that he would have all the good stuff to himself, and use it for himself. Not understanding it was our connection, the energy of us both that made it grow.

The second dream was driving, again.

I was driving, it feels like a truck of some kind. Maybe a U-Haul, because a friend was telling me on the phone last night that I should rent a U-Haul for my son to move his stuff to CO. I was with someone, I don’t know who. There were piles of logs beside the road, huge piles, many piles.

To see a log in your dream represents a significant and meaningful aspect of yourself. It may reflect some subconscious idea. Alternatively, a log signifies a transformation. You are headed toward a new direction in your life.

That’s pretty self-explanatory. In combination with the first dream….It seems that I am moving on from the ugly stuff of the first dream.  Definitely headed in a new direction.

Then I dreamed that my mother was with me, and we were making hot dogs, lol. To see or eat a hot dog in your dream is phallic symbol representing masculinity, sexual energy, and vigor. Alternatively, a hot dog refers to simple and short-lived pleasures. Since it is obviously not the first meaning, I would say it is certainly the second, to have my mom there was a simple and short-lived pleasure while I slept.

I feel less dark, having taken the time to interpret these dreams. I don’t understand why I am suddenly remembering my dreams in such detail. But I am, and it’s giving me a better understanding of my life, of where I’ve been, and a lot of hope for my future. It’s helping me to put the past in the past and leave it there.

I still love the man, the soul of the man. But these dreams are giving me clarity on who he is, making the letting go an easier process. Because in the end, he did take the good from me, which was the unconditional love I offered him, the love without limits, without reason, just because he existed, and left me without much of anything, except a bunch of memories. I hope the love lifts him, when he needs it, so that it wasn’t all for naught. I apparently feel like he stole it from me, but he didn’t. I gave it willingly, and it’s his to keep, nor does he need to feel guilty that he has it, and didn’t give it back. I’m content with what he left me. I know my future is bright, it is exciting. Everything points to me moving into a wonderful new life.

Whew. That was a lot of work to start at 5:30 AM. Lol.

 

Busy, Staying in the Light

Light-at-end-of-tunnel

Busy busy day.  I’m now on the couch watching Will Smith in “Focus”, back to blogging.  🙂

Washed all the downstairs windows and glass doors on the inside.  It was too cold to try to do the outside.  It’s going to snow tonight.  But they look nice, even without the outside glass having been cleaned.  Plus I did a couple loads of laundry, ran to the store for a few things. Oh, got my kitchen counters cleaned. One of the counters is part of an L wider that the rest, and kind of separates my kitchen from the eating area. It could fit bar stools if I used it that way, but it is where everything ends up.

I tried to price up a new door for my fireplace.  It looks like they are between $250 and $400.  However, I cannot figure out how what I’m buying. My fireplace door has a bunch of parts to it, I can’t tell what I’d be replacing, I can’t for the life of me figure out how the old one comes out and the new one goes in. I took a flashlight, looked up inside the fireplace at the back side of it, and all I got for my efforts was really dirty.

I will need some help with this. I think I’ll have to borrow my BFF’s husband to help me out with it.

I talked to a guy about enrolling for Medicare. I will need to do that in the next month, even if I choose to stay on my company’s insurance. So I’m meeting with him Wednesday night.

Busy busy. I’m beat tonight. Fell asleep on the couch already once before dinner.

Speaking of which, my son wanted tacos, and so made them for us. With very little intervention from me. I just cut up some onions and peppers. He did the rest. His dad was a really good cook, and I think my son takes to it naturally. Which is nice, for me occasionally.

It’s been a good productive day. There have been thoughts on the periphery, I can’t seem to stop them. I try not to pay too much attention to them though. It’s just energy, I think it’s slowing down. I think it got stirred by the medium Friday night. All the excitement about the house. I found I kind of wished I could share it, momentarily. Until the tunnel vision of one moment turns cinematic, and I see the whole big picture.

Nope. Keeping that door closed on my end. The momentary fun and relief would soon be overshadowed by the darkness he spreads over everyone and everything.. I’m too much in the light to go back there.

I think I’ll go soak my hands in lavender essential oil paraffin wax that I’ve been melting down all afternoon.

Love and light everyone.

 

 

 

 

Solitary Thoughts on Revenge, Truth, Happiness, and Love

 

your center

I was alone all day today, after my son went to work around noon. I was going to take a walk with a friend from my book club, but after I grocery shopped I was exhausted. I suppose because I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and worked around the house changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning windows, until I went to the store. So, I didn’t go for the walk.

I had a text conversation with the new guy from a dating site, and it went nowhere. Boring, lol. Might have been a scammer, Idk. But when he asked what I wanted in a man, I said, “Hmmm, funny, interesting, creative, maybe slightly outside the box like me. Someone I feel a connection with.” And that was the last I heard from him, lol. Literally. Not, “well it’s been nice talking to you”, nothing. Just disappeared. I wasn’t interested at all, so didn’t follow it up. Boring. Self absorbed.

I had asked him why he was single. Was he divorced, or widowed? He said, “Didn’t you read that in my profile?” Well, if I did I forgot….. Geezus, I didn’t memorize it! So when he asked me what I wanted in a man, I said, in the middle of the description, “This is all in my profile too, lol.” Trying to make him look at himself. Apparently, he didn’t like me or me throwing his words back at him.

God I can’t put up with crap, at all, any more. Geezus. Be real.

When I said it, what I wanted in a man, I was actually describing all the things I loved about S. Too bad he balances it with all lies, deception, unhealthy living, not being able to stand in his story, not being able to own his actions. And casting blame all around him rather than look it in the eye and deal with it. Too bad he can’t recognize and accept love, given to him just because he was. Too bad he had to assign motive to it. Well, there was a motive, then. To help him to be happy. That was all. I already was, am. I loved him enough, just to want him to be.

I doubt that he is, happy. I doubt he has what he wants, and I doubt he even knows what that is. I don’t think it’s what he professed it to be, or his behavior would have been different. He had some pie in the sky thing that was going to make him happy, but it wouldn’t have. Sooner or later he would have fucked it up again. Because he couldn’t/can’t be happy on his own. He couldn’t/can’t love himself. Neither she nor I, nor both of us together at the same time, could love him enough for him to love himself. No matter if we both loved him with every fiber of our being. It would never have been enough.

It makes me hurt for him. But it doesn’t make me want to unblock him on my phone. I can’t do it again with him. Even if that’s not on the table, I have no way of knowing, and I am not going to take the chance.

I talked on the phone to Montana, my friend who lives up there, this afternoon for about an hour, maybe longer. That was nice. She had me google these Arched Cabins. They are pretty cool, I gotta say, and inexpensive. We talked about books, about dating, about our men or lack of, about our abusive ex’s, our kids. Covered a lot of ground, lol.

But then I was alone again. I have to stay busy when I’m alone, that’s when it would be easiest to crack the door open to S again. Just unblock him to see if he tried to reach me. Or just leave him a message. Or an email. Or a text, to see if he’d answer. Or carry on a conversation with him in my head that I will never have. It’s when I’m home, and alone, especially if I’m tired, that he starts creeping into my psyche again.

So, I vacuumed. I washed the floors. I made some buffalo wings. I cut up some fruit. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes on the couch.

Now I’m watching Wild, which was such a wonderful book, and the movie is very true to the book. I’ve seen her, Cheryl Strayed, many times, mostly on OWN. She is one amazing woman.

She undertook walking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail, the west coast equivalent of The Appalachian Trail on the east coast) because her life was a mess. She ruined her marriage cheating on her husband with anyone she met. She was a heroin addict for quite a while. So she walked this trail, by herself, about 2000 miles. She ended it a different person than she began.

I hope S can find his PCT, his journey out of the darkness. It’s my most sincere hope for him.

I know he thinks I posted the truth about our January together as revenge to him for saying he didn’t want me at his house. But it wasn’t revenge. It was for her, it was all for her, so she would know the truth he would never tell her. So she could decide, with all the facts in her hand, whether or not she really wanted to be with him or not. Maybe she did, maybe they reached some common ground. Maybe she walked away forever. Maybe she’s still stuck in limbo, loving a man who would screw her over because he has no center, no ability to make a good decision. No comprehension of right and wrong.  Loving a man who will always pick immediate gratification over the long term repercussions.  He’ll always deal with those if and when they show up.

I know she loved him. I know I loved him. Like I said before, it would never matter how much someone loved him. Until he can find his own light, and let it shine, no one can love him enough.

So I posted it for her. It had nothing to do with him. It was for her, I hoped she’d read it, and at least know the truth. I knew it would hurt. But not as much as finding out you’ve made a decision based on the lie that poured out of the mouth of someone you loved and wanted to trust. My mistake was thinking that love and trust went hand in hand. They should, but they don’t. Or didn’t, in this case.

He said all the right things to me during that short time. About changing, about living honestly. He confided many things to me that he had not before. I really had hope for him. Then the moment he was under pressure, he defaulted back to that underhanded man who can’t own his actions, who can’t stand in his story, who has to not be at fault for a situation he created.

And I knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn’t have him in my life, no matter how much I loved him and wanted his happiness. I knew that at the end of the day, there would never be anything but endless pain for me if he was in my life.

It was small, compared to the betrayal of last summer. But it was the confirmation I needed. I needed to see if his words were real, or contrived to keep me in his bed, while he pulled himself together and figured out how to get her back. I got my answer. She told me, he can’t stand to be alone.

I don’t know if he is alone now or not. I am, but I’m ok with it. I can make myself happy. I have a rich full life without a man. Friends that call, that will go out with me. Things to do, things for which I have passion. I feel like I have a place in the world that I’m comfortable with.

I wish him well. I hope he finds some happiness, true, real happiness within himself before he dies. I hope she is well. I hope her heart is healing, and isn’t broken again. She’s still showing up on my FB page, I like to think that’s because we are friends on another level.

I suppose, considering the connection that I have always believed S and I have, that he and I are friends on some other level too.

So this blog has stretched out, lol. I guess I had a lot on my mind. Hope everyone has a nice evening. Or whatever it is, wherever you are. Love and light.

Just an Afterthought

I just remembered something about last night that my friend and I both found really cool.

We walked into this bar/cafe, and because they had a good band playing, even at 7:15 every seat was taken.  As we were looking around, a woman at the bar said to us, “We just came here for dinner, and we’ll be leaving in 15 or 20 minutes.  If you stay here, you can grab our seats when we go.”  They were sitting at the bar, which is our preferred place to sit, because it’s just more casual, presents a better opportunity to meet and talk with people. That was so cool!

Then while we were waiting, there was a high table, with no chairs, where we could stand and at least put our wine glasses on it.  As we stood there, another woman who was seated at a high bar on stools (there are individual high bar tables scattered around) offered to us the empty chair at her table.

When we finally sat down at the bar, which was only about 15 minutes later, we were sitting there, and had our coats on the back of the bar chairs.  My coat fell off, unknown to me, and someone came over, picked it up, and gave it to me.

Just people, being so nice!!!  People talking, like family.  It was a neighborhood bar.  Small. The bartenders were 3 women, so friendly, so nice.  The people at the bar all talked to each other.  Someone came and asked us to dance, I deferred to my friend, lol.  She loves to dance, I am ok with it, but was not feeling like moving after 3 glasses of wine, lol.  While she danced a man next to me began a convo with me.  He was younger than me, and I think he really had his eye on my friend who was dancing, she was much closer to his age (she’s 50, I’m 64) .  But he asked how long I’d been single, we compared our ring “scars”!  LOL.  He’d been married 22 years. Me, 32.  We kind of understood each other, lol.

It was just so pleasant, to actually have people who were friendly, kind, normal interaction with fellow human beings.  We had a blast.  My friend was so happy she got to dance.

It restored my faith, that most people in this world are good and kind, and loving people.  I guess that’s why I had such a good time.

A Little Twilight-Zone-ish

twilight zone

Do I live in the twilight zone?  I mean, really.  The ex-(last I heard she was an ex but I’m completely out of the loop so maybe not) girlfriend continues to show up on my FB page, under the list of friends who are on line, or were recently.  There is no indication of her being online or that she was recently.  But her name and profile pic show in the list.

But we are not FB friends, never have been.  We messaged for a short time, when she asked for my email address (because he took the letter out of her mailbox that had my contact info in it).  I sent her a friend request when we first contacted.

I deleted the convo, and cancelled the request, since it was still just sitting there.  It was not because I don’t like her, I actually do, I think she is nice, and kind, and gracious, and has been beat up by this man beyond compare emotionally. (Even more than me, if that’s possible.  Although I run a very close second.)  But at first her profile picture on my list of friends just kind of freaked me out,  and reminded me of things I’d rather forget.  Now, Idk, I guess because she’s still showing up and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just think of her as a friend, energetically.  We were both f’d over by the same man, we have an awful lot in common.  Perhaps it’s the universe’s way of telling me something.

If she is with him, or considering it, I wish her well, and hope he learned his lesson and doesn’t break her heart again.

Who knows?

I am looking quite forward to going out tonight.  Then working on the house this weekend.  And getting my summer clothes ready for Florida next week.  🙂 Life is good, still.  Always.

Love and light, all.

Too Old??

love heals

I’m getting too old for this.  Really…..

Too old to go to work at 8:15 every day, and and get home at 7 PM.  I’m so exhausted when I get home.  Thankfully, I usually think ahead and have some decent food left over in the fridge from the weekend.  Grateful for that.

I had a glass of wine while it heated up tonight. It tasted good. I just wanted to get in the fast lane to get to the slow lane. It worked, lol.

I’m too old for the energetic thing too. It’s over, whatever it was. I’ve been through it 100 times. Even the main sign that was plaguing me since Monday has disappeared. Thankfully. It was so weird. But I followed my instincts to get rid of it, and I did. I know this is cryptic, and I apologize. Just trust me, it was weird. But I also knew where it was coming from.

It seems that the only way to deal with that kind of energetic spike is with unconditional love. I’m calling it spike because it’s not really an attack, though that sounds more dramatic. It’s just a matter of feeling someone else’s energy, their emotions, or just feeling like they are trying on some level to make contact with you. To get your energy focused on them. In this case, I don’t want the contact. I know what will happen, I know it will cord me to this person yet again and that’s not something that I want to have happen.

When we were talking, I would just call him, or text him and find out what was going on. It’s easier to deal with, but then, if we were talking he already had my energy focused on him, and was just strengthening it.

I’ve been angry, upset, tried to ignore it. Nothing works, except the things I did today. I sent reiki this morning. I recited the Ho-oponopono (I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you) and the Meditation I put up in an earlier post. Plus, I’ve been praying for him, for his happiness, and his health.

It’s the unconditional love, present in all of those things, that can turn the negative energy around, and send it back to do some good. The good thing is, you heal yourself when you do any of it. You are the conduit, so the positive energy comes from the universe and passes through you, as it goes wherever you send it.

Tonight I’m free of it, until the next time, lol.

I made plans to go out with a friend tomorrow after work. A nice local place, with a band. Older crowd. Decent food, small. We want to meet some local men, lol. We’ll have fun, we always do.

Less than a week til I go until Florida! Yay! I have a lot to do this weekend in preparation to be gone for a week.

Maybe I’m not so old as I felt when I got home tonight.

Gonna get a good night’s sleep tonight, see if I can wake up laughing again.

Love and light all.

 

Energetic Discomfort This Morning

 

energy cordsI am feeling an attempt to energetically cord me again this morning, despite my deleting the song, despite my determination to stay on the road I’m on.  It’s irritating.

I find myself feeling negative emotions for no reason.  Unsettledness in my solar plexus and sacral chakras, which is always where I feel it.  I am determined to send it back where it came from.

I’m not sure it’s intentional.  It’s probably not. In fact, I doubt the sender is even cognizant of the fact that it’s being sent. But it doesn’t matter, it’s here this morning, and it disrupted my sleep last night.  Time to do reiki, I think.  Time to do a gratitude meditation. Time to cut the cords, once more. Time to make space for the positive emotions to take over and crowd this crap out.

I have no idea what’s happening at the source of this energetic cord.  Nor do I want to know.  I think the whole point of it is to encourage me to find out.  But I don’t want to know.  It’s of no purpose, it brings nothing to my life but magnification of negativity that manages to stretch across the miles to me.

I hold no grudge about it, I have no anger. I wish no ill on this person.  I wish for them all good things.  I understand that the person at the other end of this energetic cord that is trying to wrap around me is doing the best they can from the level of consciousness.  I forgive, because of that.  I am done with that chapter of my life.  I just want to be left alone by this person, on every level.

So much nicer to have my son’s laughing energy when I wake up.  I’m going to get back to that place, and send this energy on it’s way, back to the source, out to the Universe to atone for everyone’s highest good.

Love and light, everyone.