Category Archives: Gratitide

A Final (for now) Word on Lies

Posted on by learning to live like water

I lay awake last night remembering so many lies I’ve been told. From about 2:30 til 4, the parade of them was constant. From my ex, from S. I wanted to turn them off, stop remembering. I kept asking myself, “Why are you dredging this up now? Again?”

I suppose because I saw the post from Liz Gilbert and it so touched me. But it also, apparently, triggered me.

Finally, I remembered to begin my gratitude list. And repeated over and over the list of things I’m grateful for, until I finally fell asleep again.

Odd thing is, that some of the things for which I’m most grateful had to do with the men who so betrayed me. I’m grateful for my son, always first, most. And the man who couldn’t, can’t, stop lying gave him to me. I’m grateful to know I can love so much, so passionately, still, and the man who broke my heart into a million pieces gave me that.

So…..there’s always a place for forgiveness, because in all the loss, there was gain. And the things I gained, I would not give back for anything.

‘Tis they who pay the price for their lies and deceit and betrayal. Not me. My life goes on, richer, and fuller than ever before. Their lives…..well, I expect they will remain closed to the things they are closed to. That their default setting of lies to people will continue to keep them alone. Even if they think they are not alone, the lies about the lies about the lies continue to dig a deep hole in their soul.

I fell asleep with only love in my heart for all the people in my life. To waste a life telling lies, manipulating people, never knowing the joy of love unimpeded by ego, is sad. It’s not my life, it’s theirs and their choices.

I guess the hours awake thinking of it helped me to reconcile it. As a wise woman once said to me, “I guess it was something you needed to be awake for.” I apparently needed to dredge up a little more, and deal with it. Since there are no coincidences, there’s a reason I had to see that post just before I went to bed. I had more work to do, I did it. I’m better for it.

Love and light, all.

Haiku No. 157: No Safety Net (3 parts)

Posted on by learning to live like water

no safety net

There’s no safety net
To catch me when hard times fall.
I’ve had to make my own.

It’s a net of light,
Woven of love, trust, and truth.
Clarity of mind.

Catching me gently,
It soothes me where it finds me,
‘Til the aching’s gone.

This haiku came about as a result of a conversation I had with my cousin, about how I seem so able to deal with letting go of things, like my son moving away, a horrible marriage and divorce, a failed love affair.  I said, “i don’t have a safety net. I’m by myself most of the time.  I have to make my own, if I want to go on living.”

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images.

Circle of Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

They are having a retirement party for me at work. It’s like a break in the day, in the lunchroom, usually ice cream cake and cookies. The pres of the company give a little speech, and they usually present you with a gift of some kind. It’s a nice thing to do. They are usually a surprise, but my boss told me his brother, the pres, won’t be here next week, so they want to do it this week.

Then there was a note on my desk, asking where to get the cake and cookies, lol. Because I have either planned or been a big part of the planning of these things up until my own. I definitely appreciate it though, it will be nice.

Then the friend who is going with me to FL is having Paint Nite at her house that night. That will be so much fun. If my painting turns out ok, I’ll put up a picture. It will be another good chance to see more of my friends before I leave.

I guess I just have to not think about what I’m doing, saying goodbye to everyone. Just like, I’m going away for a vacation or something and I’ll be back. Because I’m afraid I’m going to be crying for like a month between now and when I leave. When I think of all the things I’ve gone through with this bunch, how they’ve been there for me, keeping me close, helping keep my head on straight. And loving me even when I didn’t listen to them, because they could see what I preferred to be blind to.  When my family fell apart, and I couldn’t see my son, they invited me into their homes for family dinners, and included me, treated me as a family member.

I will miss them, friends of a life time. But I won’t lose them. They’ll come see me, I’ll come up here and see them. We’ll talk on the phone, and FB messenger. We will stay part of each others lives.

I’ll see more of the friends I grew up with, many of whom already are in FL, and the ones that aren’t come down often and visit, and will be relocating there within a few years. It’s like full circle.

I’m really really blessed. I’ve known quite a few people whose circle is small, very small. 1 or 2 people. My ex hasn’t got anyone, but that’s the way he wants it. To have friends, you have to be a friend. Be willing to go out on that limb, not knowing what the outcome will be, and not worrying about it. I’m just so grateful for the people in my life.

Love and light

First Surrender, Then Gratitude

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night, worrying. About my son’s living arrangements, or lack of, in CO. About whether or not the people are going to accept my offer about the foundation cracks in the house. But more about my son. Because, that’s what we do. As mothers. I don’t care about the fact it could cost me $5000, I care that my son had no place to live in CO.

I wrote the poem this morning. My head hurt, my stomach was upset. Bad enough when your only child leaves home, but to leave it so far away, and not to yet know where he will go, if it will be safe…. My son and I have been through so much. I don’t want the terror visited on him by his father ever to visit him again. So, yeah, I’m a little over-protective I guess. But I’ve seen the dark side. I’ve worked too hard to leave it in our past, to take a chance again that it might find a way in.

So, then, on the way to work, I had a conversation with the Universe. It went something like this.

“I can’t do anything about this.” “It’s not in my control.” “I’m turning it over to you, because in your infinite wisdom, what should happen will happen. I am good with whatever it is. I’ll take him to FL and we will drive to CO from there if we have to. I just want him to be in a safe, comfortable place. But it’s up to you, what happens. I let go. I give it to you.”

Or something along those lines. I don’t remember exactly the words, they were thought words, running through my head.

Immediately, I felt physically better, and more able to face the day ahead at work.

I was at work about a half hour and my son called me. In a wicked (a very New England thing to say) cheery voice he said, “Hi, Mom. I think I really have a place this time.” He went on to tell me that he just talked to a woman for a half hour, she had a 4 bedroom home in the town he wants to live in. He said, “She’s a carbon copy of you Mom, she’s into spiritual healing and all that stuff. She teaches English to immigrants. She has another room you can rent if you come to see me, half the price of a hotel room. She’s gonna send me the application. She said I have a really great personality, and she has a really good feeling about me.”

So, what I did on the way to work, was surrender it to the Universe. Let go of attachment to the outcome, and trust.

And what I got in response was exactly the answer I needed.  Immediately. First After we hung up I just looked up and said, “Thank you.” I felt like crying. I have stressed so much over this.

He’s only going to live there a few months, but I think it is a perfect step down from the comfort of living with me, to living on his own. It is perfect. She sent the application tonight, he filled it out immediately and returned it. He will give her the security deposit, and I will feel safe enough to drive my son to CO.

I am so grateful right now. So grateful, on so many levels. Just can’t say more. He’s my only kid, and he’s an awesome kid. I’m just grateful.

Love and light.

(Very) Early Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

Haiku No. 138: Greed, or Gratitude (4 parts)

Posted on by learning to live like water

greed into gratitude

Greed, I despise it.
Living from fear, fear of lack.
Take from those who need.

How can someone fear
So much? It boggles the mind.
A sad way to live.

Love your fellow man.
If he’s hungry, please feed him.
No shoes? Give him yours.

Love him, give to him.
Give to acknowledge having.
Grateful you’ve enough.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Google Images

So Hum

Posted on by learning to live like water

I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.

I have a favorite meditation from Youtube.  This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.

And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)

So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.

I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.

It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.

We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.

This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.

The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.

I am, we are, you are.

Love and light……

 

A Glass of Wine is on the Table

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m having a glass of wine tonight. The tank is going to cost me over $2,300. It’s something called an indirect heater, which is, per the plumber who was just here, “High-end.” I could get a whole  electric hot water heater for less than $1500, but I don’t know if I have to replace the leaking tank with what’s there. Holy shit. $2300. And I will be here for 7 more weeks.

Son of a bitch.

So I’m out in my sacred space, drinking, cooking dinner in the microwave. I texted my realtor and asked her if I can’t just put in a regular hot water heater and save $800. I have not heard yet. I mean, if I have to replace this one, I have to. I am not gonna break the contract over $800. But geezus. Flip me the frick out.

And then, there are the ants to deal with. Sigh……Maybe the house is pissed off I’m moving, lol. And I do love this house.

Not stressing, really, just freaked out. I thought it would be way cheaper because it’s not an electric hot water heater. Oh well. I guess I just let it unfold.

I have to go over my 2 quotes for moving and see if I can get a couple more. Make sure I’m comparing apples to apples.

I knew this was gonna get crazy for me, but didn’t think it would be this crazy, lol.

On top of this, I called in my diabetes meds for refills, and the most expensive one is still not covered. My dr is trying to get the insurance co. to make an exception. The assistant thought they had, but was supposed to call me back and didn’t. So I will have to go without until I get to their office and get free samples, because it’s $400 a month, just that one. It helped me lose 20 lbs, and keeps my glucose levels really decent. So maybe they got it covered, idk. I spent my lunch hour on the phone with the pharmacy and the dr’s office. That was fun. But the assistant I talked to is pretty sure they got the exception through. And they also can give me free samples to get by til the exception is through.

American health care is so f’d up. And this is supplemental Medicare insurance.

Whatever.

I’m alive, I am happy, basically. I’m moving to somewhere where I’ll never deal with winter again, and all my peeps will come to see me. Where I’ll never be cold again, never shovel snow again. Never wear gloves again. And I won’t have to work so damn hard, so many long hours, and carry so much responsibility. Like my bff said to me this am, just remember in 2 months you won’t have any debt.

Sigh……. that fact makes me want to lay in the breeze and feel the wind on my skin, lol.

So if it does in fact cost me an extra $3000, it’s worth it. I will make it back somehow. The plan is still perfect.

Love and light…..

Sunday Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….