Category Archives: happiness

A Grateful Start to the Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days, slept 8 hours and that’s a real feat for me. I suppose the 3 glasses of wine I had while sitting outside with my sister and one of her friends in the evening really helped me to relax. It’s so awesome, to be celebrating TG here. I know, that’s very redundant. I’ve been talking about it for weeks, I think. But each day, I am grateful again as the feeling washes over me.

I made it to the town dock for sunrise this morning. It did not disappoint. Oddly, no one else was there. Perhaps because it’s a holiday, everyone is busy with cooking and planning and getting things ready. It’s slightly warmer here than where I live. And I only life about 30 miles north as the crow flies. But the temps this morning were in the low 60’s instead of high 50’s and it’s supposed to get to the low 80’s. These are some pictures.

I was kind of grateful that no one else was there this morning. It allowed me to do a bit of meditation. To kind of slide into the spirit of the day, the spirit of gratitude. I read these words by Anne Lamott a few days ago on her FB page, and I so loved them. This is a copy and paste of the short post. I think it’s fitting for today. My heart is full of gratitude that my life has turned out the way it has, so far.

” We pray to be mindful of the needs of others. We savor these moments out of time, when we are conscious of love’s presence, of Someone’s great abiding generosity to our dear and motley family, these holy moments of gratitude. And that is grace.”

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, with family and friends. Love and light to all.

The Benefits of Detachment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sometimes the love just comes back around.
The passion rises high
And spins my head
And my heart.
Puts a smile on my face,
To remember how it was
How it felt.

Happiness for what was
In my life.
And for what is, now.
Embracing the moment
With my whole heart.

Detachment
At first a scary idea.
Now, a peaceful one.
Life is happier
With no attachment
To outcomes
No expectations.
Joy in each moment.

Let people,
Relationships
Fly on their own.
No need to force anything
Anymore.
No need to pull to me
What resists.
No need to hunt down
That which I don’t have.
If it’s meant to be
It will be.

Everything that happens to us
Brings us to where we are.
Do you like where you are?
It’s yours to keep,
Or change.

No expectations
No attachment.
Only love for myself
And those in my life.
Love always, and all ways.

By Deborah E. Dayen

A Feeling of Wonder

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been for hours, to an outdoor brunch with music, which was supposed to end at 2, but actually we stayed much later. My friend Beth sang, with the guy who was playing for it, as did a couple other people. Another buy brought his bass and played the whole second two hours with the man on guitar. It’s fun to go with Beth, because she is at the center of the music community here and knows everyone. She’s lived here for 28 years.

After the guitarist was done at 2, all the musicians who had taken part in the mornings brunch music, came to our table. Some of them were collaborating on songs for another venue, some were just talking, they were hungry, lol. It was really fun to hang out with them all. They are all about my age, and we all like the same kind of music. I am not well versed, but I’m getting an education, lol. They include me so much.

I had met a man who sang old kind of crooner songs, from the Frank Sinatra genre, the other night. We talked for so long today. He is from NYC. Everyone is talking about Bob Dylan getting the Nobel Prize, and this man said he remembers so well, being in high school and going to Greenwich Village and seeing Dylan, and Peter Paul and Mary and other great old names there. He said that this community reminds him so much of the Village. I’ve never been to Greenwich Village, but I can imagine that it does. Everyone is so serious about their art, whether it’s music or painting or writing or whatever. Yet, they are all one big family and so laid back, kind, and respectful of each other.

They’re having the First Annual Gulfport Jazz Festival this coming Saturday. My friend Beth is totally excited because she sang jazz for so many years and knows so many of the musicians that will be playing. She’s trying to arrange an after party at one of the restaurants for all the musicians to come after the festival closes at 10, and just be able to jam together. I went with her to talk to one of the restaurants that is a good venue for this. I hope it works out for her.

Tonight is the super full moon. I want to go to the fishing pier or somewhere similar with a glass of wine and watch the moonrise over the water. I want to remember too, to put out my crystals on a tray to recharge them. I love the full moon, and this one should be huge, being the closest the moon will be to earth this month.

Maybe it’s the full moon energy that is giving everything a feel of wonder today.  Life is good here. Had a wonderful day so far, and it’s not over yet.  Feeling grateful.

Love and light, all.

Behind the Screen (SoCS)

Posted on by learning to live like water

the-screen

A screen,
Like a veil
To rest behind.
A partition that allowed
Thoughts to fly,
Or swim
And be transferred
To paper,
To words,
To a canvas,
To art.

A screen
A veil between
The artist and the world
To be pulled back at completion
Of the work.

A screen in his mind
That kept other people out
And kept him safe.
Or was it simply keeping him solitary?

If no one is allowed
Behind the screen
Then no one really knows who he is.
He can be someone different
For every face he meets.

But he also will never find
the place where he belongs.
The arms he longs for
Will never hold him tight
Because they won’t know him
Fully.

He met someone, once
Who saw him,
Who saw through the screen
Easily, on first glance.

It terrified him.
He wove the screen tighter
And tighter,
And made up stories
that kept him safe
So he thought.

She could see through it still.
Always.
Knowing his terror
She left him alone.

Hoping one day
He’d come out
From behind the screen
And embrace himself

Like the artist
Showing his completed work,
Risking vulnerability,
She hoped he too
Would risk letting himself be seen
Fully
Speaking the truth
To everyone
About who he is
What he wants,
What he believes.

Instead of hiding behind the screen
And morphing into someone different
For everyone he meets.

Screens have their place.
They keep the bugs out.
They conceal what we are not ready
To share with the world.

Just, don’t live there,
Behind the screen.

socs-2016-badge

The prompt for this weeks SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday) was “screen”.   This is hosted by Linda G. Hill.  For more information on this prompt please go to her website, https://lindaghill.com/2016/10/14/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-1516/

Self-Absorbed Updates

Posted on by learning to live like water

self-absorbed

Ok, I need 10 minutes. Maybe only 5, I don’t think it will take that long to read this, lol. Just feeling totally self absorbed this morning. I don’t really like it, but hey, I guess I need my moments. Anyway….it’s how I woke up, and the only way to get through it for me, is to write about it, publish it, and then look at it and go, “YUCK. Get back to yourself, and stop all this whining!” So I apologize, but I’m doing it anyway. Therapy.

I need to go through my mail, and unsubscribe to a whole bunch of it. Notices and coupons from stores back in CT. Ace Rewards, from the local hardware store. Who’s playing at Angelico’s Lake House, the local watering hole beside the lake. I need to update my Groupon and Living Social offers, so they are for offers down here, not for massages and car detailing up in CT.

Seems a small thing, but it makes me a little homesick. Not that I’m not happy here, because still, I have to characterize my life as happy. It’s just they remind me when everything was on an even keel. When I went home to a house where everything was in it’s place. Where I didn’t have to use GPS to get anywhere. Where I had lots of people around.

Sleep evaded me for a long while last night, even though I was so tired when I went to bed. And even though I took an Ambien. I need to get back to myself, and my normal positive outlook on stuff. I need to finish moving into this house. I am sick of being unsettled.

I didn’t go to sunrise this morning, because it’s cloudy, solid clouds. So I am holed up in the house. It is much cooler out these days. It was 70 this morning, instead of close to 80. But my windows need replacing, the screens do not all fit tightly, so I leave the AC on and don’t open the windows. I would be inundated with bugs if I opened a window. As it is, they get in the house, I suppose just by opening the door. I am missing the fresh air.

But ok, I can’t stand feeling sorry for myself for too long. Yesterday afternoon, my friend Pat called and asked if I would come to her house for awhile, because her daughter and grandkids were there and she’d like me to meet them. I’ve been wanting to, so I went. Her grandson is 8, and an amazing smart, well mannered, articulate young man. Her granddaughter is almost 3, and the cutest thing ever, and reminds me so much of my son because she talks incessantly, and can carry on a real conversation with people. Mostly with Pat, I can see she just adores her grandmother. Her daughter is like Pat, so similar. She is beautiful, and real, and has the same sense of humor. Plus like Pat, her life is full of amazing stories, and she tells them so well. I got there and she was painting a picture frame. I asked her if her mom taught her to paint, she said, no she never had time. LOL. Pat had to take care of her two kids basically on her own. Her life was hard. But her daughter is married to a wonderful man, she has a beautiful home, and a condo on the beach, and the two amazing kids, so I think Pat can say, she did right by her kids.

It seems odd, that I have known Pat 52 years, and I’m just now meeting her daughter. But that was the gap caused by an abusive marriage for me, a marriage to a man who wanted to isolate me from everyone else who loved me. He couldn’t do it with my family, but he did for many years from my friends. Well, I let him, right? Yes, there were some battles with him I just couldn’t fight. I got them all back, that’s all that matters.

And now, to get myself back. I will take a kind of a breather today, except for the appointment for my windows, and with the dr. My handyman is coming over to fix my fence this morning too. Then tomorrow I’ll go pick up my new car, and get back in the groove of finding a washer dryer, a shed, getting my stuff up on the walls, calling the town to get a special pick up of some of the rest of the boxes that I can’t take to the recycling center myself, or fit in my recycling bins. Just some of what I need to do.

Onward. Love and light, all.

Oh Lord Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a wonderful night. I didn’t lock eyes with anyone, lol, but I did meet a lot of people, including men, my age! The woman who emceed the open mic night was introduced to me, and when she introduced my friends, Pat and Beth, to sing, she announced that there was a new person there, ME, a friend of the “ Gulfport’s legendary Pat and Beth”. Everyone clapped, it was pretty funny, really. Then Pat and Beth sang “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin and said it was a request from me, lol.

It kind of was. We had been sitting talking before it all started, and I asked them if they knew Mercedes Benz. They loved the idea, but wanted me to get up with them. I don’t do “standing up in front of a lot of people.” Lol NO. They kind of got into a discussion of Joplin songs and I said, “How about Take Another Little Piece of My Heart?” Beth, who was a professional singer, got all excited and immediately broke into the song, sitting at our table, and Pat joined her. So they sang it for me, lol.

The next person to sing was Jerry. I’m not sure how the name is spelled because I was informed she was our local transexual….dressed as a woman, but sounding like a man. She had a nice voice. But in the middle of her song, it began to rain, so people were running around trying to get the equipment in out of the rain under the canopy. Finally we all realized it was going to rain for awhile, and we all went inside the restaurant, which is tiny. Most of their seating is outside. But about 25 of us fit in there, and a kid with a banjo showed up and began playing and singing, he was really good! It was so cool. A few other people sang after that, we were all singing along, toe-tapping. Jerry finally got to sing her songs, and we were sitting at a table with her. She is quite funny, I enjoyed talking with her. She is a regular there.

Finally we ran out of singers, but Pat, Beth and I were in a conversation with another singer, a woman named Sherry, who actually goes on the road and plays gigs. She just got back from a 9 week road trip, and she’s my age. There were a couple more people still in the restaurant, though by now it had stopped raining. Beth decided we all needed to sing Mercedes Benz, so we started and pretty soon, everyone was singing it, people came in from outside to sing it with us! It was so fun! As it ended our friend Art, who dates my bff from high school though she lives in Iowa, showed up. He’d been waiting for the rain to end to come down.

It was still early, the now 4 of us decided to go to another place that may have karaoke, and we were hungry anyway. The place didn’t have karaoke because there was a football game on, so the karaoke wouldn’t start until the game was over, and we were all too tired, to wait any longer. By now it was 11. So we piled in my car and drove back to my house.

Beginning to feel not so much an outsider here. I met a man who was born in CT, and truth be told, most everyone there is a transplant. I met a woman who does not live far from me, at least my age, maybe older, who wears her hair in two long braids. She knew my street (not everyone does because it’s a block long, lol) because the Gulfport community garden is a few lots down the street from me. It’s a whole bunch of aging hippies who want nothing to do with winter and now just live in the moment, enjoying life, being creative, making friends. There are no egos, at least none that seem to want to dominate the world, lol.

Life is good. Every day I am more glad that I made this decision. Love and light, all.

Hard Night, Beautiful Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

I slept hard last night. Nightmare, of hate and anger. Displaced, afraid. Real fear that they were coming to get me, and that I would die in their hands. (I don’t know who they were, maybe Nazi’s.  With tanks. And soldiers marching.)  Then, in the dream, I told myself I was dreaming. And that I could combat their hate and anger and fear with love.

I did. I turned the tide, I sent the fear packing, I taught them that they deserved love, and they lay down their arms.

Still, it was a hard and terrifying dream.

Not sure what brought it on. Probably some deep-seated stuff, from the past.

Whatever. This morning I awoke early, around 5:30. My room was cool, I could hear the faint hum of the ceiling fan. I tried to go back to sleep but decided about 20 minutes later that that was not happening. I got up, tried to write, and did, but not sure it’s worthy of publication. I need to re-read and edit.

I decided it was time for me to see the sunrise here in my new hometown. So I quickly got dressed in my bathing suit top, and a skort, and drove the short mile or so to the beach. I parked along the street, as the first rays of dawn broke the sky.

There is a long fishing pier on the beach. I headed down the pier, into the gray and pink early morning light. The pier was dotted with a few fishermen, people walking dogs, people exercising. But not more than a dozen people in all. They all greeted me, everyone, with a “Good morning.”

IMG_2777.JPG

Felt like I was taken into a brother/sisterhood, of people who love the morning. I walked to the end of the pier. I guess it’s maybe 500′ long? I’m a bad judge of distance.

On the way, I passed a gull on the rail, so still I didn’t think it was real. He just watched me as I passed by. Then, a great blue heron flew in and landed on the rail, about 100′ in front of me. As I approached, taking my camera out of my pocket, it flew away.

I got to the end of the pier, and sat on a bench. I was alone. I set my cup of coffee next to me and closed my eyes and just breathed. Tried to take in that this was now my home. Listened to nothing but the sounds of the sea birds, and worked at finding peace again, the remnants of that nightmare still on the fringes of my psyche.

When I opened my eyes again, the sky to the east was breaking dawn. Turning the clouds pink, and gold. It is something I will never tire of, seeing a day come in over the water like that.

IMG_2784.JPG

There were a lot of boats anchored in the bay, many with their dinghies laying in the water behind them, signaling that they were aboard. I thought how lovely a place to anchor out. One boat had two dinghies behind it. I made up a story in my head of people coming from one boat to the other, drinking wine and talking late into the night, too late and too dark to find their way back to their own boat, and staying with friends instead. Like Van Morrison’s song, “So Quiet in Here”. “this must be what paradise is like, so quiet in here….”

After awhile, two women came walking past my bench, and struck up a conversation. One of them had a dog, she did not stay long, her dog was anxious to go. But the other woman and I talked. She’s lived here for 20-something years. She used to live in Philly and Martha’s Vineyard. We talked about the Vineyard, and the breach that happened about 8 years ago in the south beach, and changed the whole nature of Katama Bay, and made Chappaquiddick a real island.

She walks often, she said, so maybe I’ll see her again there. Her name was Mary.

I got up and walked back down the pier Most of the fishermen had gone by then. I walked along the sidewalks, past what says is a casino, but is really a dance hall now, advertising lessons and dancing in fox trot, tango…ballroom dancing, for $8. No partner needed. Might be fun to learn the tango. Outside is a sculpture which says this town is Florida’s best kept secret. I’m beginning to agree. I walked past the permanent beach vollyball courts, and along the beach for a while.

As the town woke up, I headed back home, to record this, my first sunrise here. What a lovely way to start the day. I think it may become a habit.

Love and light.

An Evening Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

mangia

The evening air was sultry.
Sea breezes blew across our shoulders
from the bay
From beyond,
Giving us respite from the heat of the day.

Quiet music charmed the diners
As we sipped our tea
And carried on intimate conversations,
Or laughed together,
And met new people,
Under the lights strung through the trees
Like twinkling stars.

We clapped our hands
For the singers
Who got up and sang for free
For the joy of singing.
Only happiness and contentment
Filled the air.

Sometimes it’s not that way
Sometimes it’s more raucous
With singers belting out the blues
Or rock and roll,
And people dancing.

But not that night.
That night was just laid back
And perfect.
Evoking memories
Of hot summer nights
In another life
Long ago and far away
And intimate conversations
Under the stars
With people that I loved,
Still love.

There is a continuum,
From then to now.
The energy and the love survive all,
Love always, and all ways.

Slightly Hung Over, Still Amazed

Posted on by learning to live like water

A slight, very slight, hangover this morning. I had my own little celebration last night, watching TV til late (1 AM), chatting with a close friend who lives in Montana, and is also moving into her own perfect dream place on the side of a mountain. We are both leaving so much painful stuff behind us, we both have houses that are, numerologically, 11’s. 11 being the number of powerful energy portals, of new beginnings. We talked for 2 hours, lol. She was so happy about her move that she could barely talk for a few minutes. I get that. I’ve been there.

I met her in the online community I belonged to for survivors of abuse. We are both about 10 years out of that horror, we both have kids who were also abused horribly. And now we are both moving into a place where that will be behind us, completely. Joy, just joy.

It’s amazing to me, how the distance actually DID leave so much of the old ugly crap behind me. As if it was a different life, as if it were as long ago as high school. My ex, who I had a flurry of calls from before I left, has not tried to reach me in about 2 weeks. I am hopeful that he’ll have no reason to contact me in the future. I know him well enough to know he is envious, and that he still thinks that everything I have is really his, so is most likely harboring some anger. He makes me sad, that he allows his life to be the way it is. As for S….well, I would have liked the ending to be different than it was, but I get where his life is at. There is no more pain associated with that situation either.

Looking forward to seeing my son on Facetime this morning. It’s kind of surprising, how I miss him terribly but it is also freeing, to know he’s on his own, taking care of himself, to know I can go to the store, and just buy what I want to eat, lol. I keep telling him when he gets his own place, and fills it with things that he considers his own, that he will be able to begin to feel at home. It just takes time. He’s going hiking sometime in the next day or two with a friend from high school who also lives out there, and I think that will bring him a lot of comfort, to just touch base with someone else who grew up in his town.

Time for me to get dressed and begin the unpacking marathon, lol. Now that I have my stuff, I can’t wait until it’s all put away.

Life continues to amaze me.

Love and light, all.

Off, But Not Quite Running

Posted on by learning to live like water

Nice to be sitting in my family room, sipping on a cup of coffee again. Yes, I miss my kid, but I’m not devastated by it. At least, not most of the time. Because I know he made the very best choice possible to live the kind of life he wants. I know he’s happy.

We were talking about when we could see each other again. He was saying to come maybe at Christmas, or in January, because he already has so many people coming for Christmas. I said, “Um…I don’t think I want to come in the winter!” LOL. He said, “Oh well, I thought you might just miss snow since you won’t see it any more.” I laughed and said, “Oh maybe some day. But I’m not there yet….” He laughed. I said when he can put together a 3 or 4 day weekend after he’s done with his initial training, he can come see me. I want him to see my little house, and my new life. So we’ll see. If I miss him too much maybe I’ll brave the snow, lol. But fact is, I hope to be working before Christmas too. We’ll just have to see how it works out.

So much to do today. And every day until I leave next Thursday. I woke up in the middle of the night making lists again, Grrrr. Finally I read for awhile, and managed to get back to sleep for a few more hours. I hope I don’t keep doing that all week! Geezus.

My friend Susan who is driving with me to Florida and I talked last night. She said she’s happy to drive us to the Tappanzee Bridge in NYC, because she’s from New Jersey and has been that way so many times, as long as I can navigate us through the other side of the Hudson River. We’ll have GPS but it always wants to put you on I-95, and we definitely don’t want to go that way. That would take us through all the traffic of NYC, Philly, Baltimore, and DC. Um, no. lol. So I’ll see if I can get the GPS to take us another way. The friend who picked me up last night told me to get the app WAZE, and it will show all the routes, and updates in real time for traffic and speed traps!

I can’t believe I’m gonna get back in the car for 2 ½ days, in 6 days. Yikes. It will be fun with Susan. We’re trying to pick audible books to listen to. She was part of my book club.

Well, off and not quite running yet. But I will be, I have to be.

Love and light, all.