Category Archives: personal musings

Let It Bubble Up, and Float Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

BubblesFor some reason I am a little unsettled this morning.  Partly because Maggie is not herself, and I shouldn’t expect her to be, but I’m waiting for her to be her old self.

Partly it is from being nervous about my lunch date Saturday.  Nervous-excited, but nervous.  I will have to explain pretty early about selling my house and moving.  I live in the present, and I just feel if I get attached to someone before I go, that it will work itself out.   For example we could have a Florida and a Connecticut house if we don’t want to be apart. So it doesn’t worry me, but it might put someone else off.  I remember Scott even asking what will we do when you move?  I just kept saying, are you going to work forever?  Would you not want to come see me in Florida?  Couldn’t I come see you?  And in between we could have our time alone?  He always seemed to be ok with that thought.  He even brought it up after he was seeing Betty, before I knew.   Why, I don’t know, now, probably just part of the elaborate ruse he was creating.  I do think that the two relationships were separate in his head.  I think he was able to shut one of us out when he was with the other.  So it may have been an honest question at the time.   Whatever.

I think that it can work out, that’s all.  I trust the universe to make happen what needs to happen.

Maybe part of the nervousness is my concern over diving into a relationship like I did with Scott.  Feet first, not checking the depth of the water.  Setting myself up for the kill.   I just have to be true to myself.  I have to be present, and mindful, and not give myself away.  Mostly to remember that trust has to be earned, and to filter my feelings through the BRAVING anagram.  I will say, that this new man, just in conversation, seems to be real, he’s earned a few small marbles for my marble jar already.  Those small, insignificant moments….what else is there when you have only talked and not met even.  The conversation seems to flow, he takes an interest, it’s not all about him.  That’s worth a marble or two, lol.

The gongs will be good for me tonight, just to allow me to center and ground myself.  Let whatever is causing me to be unsettled to come up, and to go.  I’m reading The Untethered Soul by Mark Singer, and he talks a lot about not resisting what comes up.  To let it just pass through.  If it’s pain, it won’t last, and he’s right, it never does.  I knew this before I read the book.  I’ve always known that the way through pain is to allow yourself to feel it, for as long as you need to until you just don’t feel it anymore.  It’s why I could tell Scott, this will hurt but I’ll get over it.  I know what to do, I have the practice as part of my daily life.

Off to another day of work.  And the gongs.  See you on the flip side.

 

 

Clutter

Posted on by learning to live like water

clutter and stuff

It was 7° this morning when I went to get fasting bloodwork done at 6 AM.  I have an appointment with my endocrinologist next week.  It’s just routine.  But dang…bad enough to be out at 6 am, let alone have it cold enough to freeze the buggars in your nose.

Seems my mind was a little cluttered today.  Scott, Maggie, online communications, work….

I found myself wanting to call him this morning, leave a voice mail, just saying, “I miss you.”  But I didn’t.  I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, just one of those things I know.  Why I would miss him….when I stand back and observe myself, I have no idea, except it’s that connection, that just tugs at me every once in awhile.  I got over it, I was glad I didn’t.  If he heard that it would be like a pass for him.  Like asking to get set up again.  No matter what our infinite relationship is, the one here in this world is on hold, or non-existent, for the time being.  As it should be.

But I do still, see his soul, and not all the bullshit he hides it under.  I suppose I always will, I always have.  That light, when he exposes it, is blindingly beautiful.  He just never lets it stay lit.   And I’m also real, and I don’t want to ever go through something like that again.  Until he can learn to value love, he will always be sad and alone, I’m afraid.

Tomorrow I have to take Maggie to the vet for surgery.  I’m going to be praying all night that I don’t have to have her put down.

I began a conversation with a man online tonight that for some reason seem hopeful to me.  He likes the beach and said maybe I can teach him to find sea glass.   He’s nice looking in his picture too.  And he lives fairly close, no more than 20 minutes from me.  I can only hope.  So often they go nowhere.

I’m feeling so much more settled tonight with everything.  Peaceful.  Just concerned about Maggie’s surgery tomorrow.

I guess this blog tonight was for de-cluttering, lol.

Love and light, everyone.

 

 

Day One, 2016. Good Day.

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

Astrophyllite pendant

Quiet first day of 2016. I was alone all day, which was fine. I was tired from going to bed at 1 AM, and not sleeping that well. I made the pendant in the picture today. The stone is a natural stone called Astrophillite. I’d never seen the stone before, and really liked the irridescence embedded in the black stone.

I looked up the metaphysical properties, and found this:

Astrophyllite is a stone of self-knowledge and self-acceptance that is said to promote a feeling of well-being. Through this self-awareness and acceptance, it is said to be excellent for releasing unhealthy behavior patterns or bad habits. It is said to help one reach and align with the soul’s purpose.

Astrophyllite grounds and calms, as well as protecting. It can bring fidelity, honesty between partners by activating a soul-connection that allows the partners to “see into” the other’s soul. It is said to give the ability to make major change that moves forward your life journey in a positive way, something akin to the saying that when a door closes, a window opens somewhere. Astrophyllite is said to help with astral travels. (from http://meanings.crystalsandjewelry.com/astrophyllite/

Geez. Too bad I didn’t have this stone over the summer. I just bought it a couple months ago. Coincidental? Well, I have it now.

I actually started this pendant the other day. I coiled the wire for the wavey feature on the right the other day,then put it all together today. The cube shaped clear stones are clear quartz crystal. Total time to make it was probably 5 or 6 hours. I’ll put it up on my Etsy store when I get more pics taken.

I really enjoy making jewelry, especially this type of wire wrapping. It uses a different part of my brain than writing, and it does me good to be creative in another way besides writing. I tend to get too much in my head sometimes, with writing. Especially when I’m alone all day. I start wanting answers to questions that will never be answered. I begin to feel people’s energy that would be better left alone.

It was coming on pretty strong today. So I sent Reiki to him fairly intensely for a half hour earlier today. I don’t know if he’s even open to it. If he’s not he won’t get it, but it will be there for him if he is. It helped me anyway. I turn the energy back around toward him with a loving intent, and it balanced me at the same time. All has been quiet since.

It’s a quiet evening now. I’m watching Coneheads on TV, it’s such funny movie. I remember when it first came out, my ex and I were on our boat, going down the Connecticut River with 1000 other boats. This had to be in the 80’s. Some guys came up the river, in the opposite direction in a candy red speedboat, flying up the river. When they went by us, we could see that they had coneheads on….OMG, we were laughing so hard…

Hope everyone had a good and peaceful first day of the year. Love and light.

Moving Onward in 2016

Posted on by learning to live like water

OnwardAndUpward

2016, Finally!

I am so glad to leave the past year behind. I learned so much, I lived such extreme experiences. I can’t say it was a waste of time, I can only say it was really hard. Not what I expected at this age.

This year, I have some plans, really good plans that will propel me closer to the life I want to live. I’ve been off of work, and have been able to do some of the things I need to get done to sell my house. The more I do, the more I want to get done. I am so excited for this move. To be far away from the drama that played out in my life, unbidden. To live within 20 minutes of the beach will be a dream come true, in a climate where I can walk on it and not freeze ever. That sounds like heaven to me. I’ll still come back to New England in the summer, and visit friends, during the hottest part of the summer in Florida. My friends and I figure I can spend a month here, staying with various friends. Who will be visiting me in Florida in the dead of the cold winter. It feels win-win to me.

My mom seems to be doing well. She is slipping into dementia, at 94. Caused mostly by her inability to communicate, or read or write, which were her passions. But she seems pretty healthy, and when I spoke to her yesterday, she could still laugh, and recognize my voice. Which brings me joy. I would love if even for a few months I could go visit her daily.

I went out with a friend last night. We went to a hibachi grill and really enjoyed the show the chef puts on in front of you. Flicking food from the grill into people’s mouths from the grill, shooting saki in to people’s mouths, building volcano fires with rings of onions. The food was good too. We totally enjoyed it.

Then we came back to my house, watched some of the New Year’s Eve shows on TV, and talked talked talked. We both had relationships in which we were totally in love, that ended badly during the last year. But we are both moving on, both doing our best to let them go. We are both selling our homes in the spring. Her kids are thinking of moving away to be close to their father for awhile, he’s lived away from them for a long time now and wants them to move near him. She would never stop them, but is not happy about it. She says if they do, though, when she sells the house she may move to Florida too! If her kids move, she has no family ties here, and is a nurse, she can work anywhere. She has a friend near where I want to be that loves it, and it’s really starting to look like a good idea to her. That would be so much fun. She’s my one single friend here who likes to go out and have fun! She’s younger than me by almost 15 years, but we have been friends for 18 years, we used to boat together when our families were intact. Our kids went to school together. My son and her daughter have been really good friends for most of their lives.

I was talking to her about blogging and showed her some of my work. She read one of my poems while I was out of the room, and it made her cry. I showed her some of the stuff I wrote about Scott, the good stuff. She was like God, what is the matter with him, to have someone who loves him like this and then do what he did? She noted how I wear my heart on my sleeve, especially in my writing. He knew, he always knew how I felt. The fact that he could not honor that is his defect, not mine for loving him.

It made me feel good that she felt what I felt when I wrote it, but it also just made me laugh, because there I was, thinking I’d never get over him, and I’m over him, lol. Even last night, we were talking about what we did last New Years. I said, I was with Scott, it was one of my best New Year’s ever. But it didn’t hurt to say it. Nor did I feel the need to question it, and his motives. We had a good time, then. It got all f’d up months later. But I have to say, it was real back then. It was just the two of us, there were no other people involved. I think his feelings then were as genuine as he can be.

No regrets.

I got a Happy New Year message from Addison. Nothing more, no message, just happy new year. Later, I sent him one back, and said “Happy New Year Addison. I hope you find what you are looking for in 2016. I wish you peace.” I heard nothing else from him, don’t expect to. I’m sure it hit a nerve that I called him Addison, not Addie. I talked to my friend about him. How he met this woman on a Friday, Saturday he’s talking about coming to see me, and how I have broken his heart so many times, and Sunday night he’s living in this woman’s house for a week, “to see how we do after we’re together for a week.” Talk about dying to fall in love, and doing it with the first woman that smiled his way. Too needy for me. Needy is near the top of the list of things I can’t stand in a man.

On Christmas, I sent him a Merry Christmas text. I said I hoped he was well. He answered me, “Merry Christmas. Tobi and I just finished breakfast.” Which was just, weird! This is a man who called me his best friend, who sent me kisses and hugs and hearts with every message. Until the Sunday night (two days after he met her) that he had decided to stay with her for a week. He said, “She knows about you.” Scott also told me that about Betty.

And I want to say to both of them, “What does she know?” I knew for a fact that Betty didn’t know the truth at all. But she does now. To Addie, “does she know how much you were in love with me? How you sent me pictures of yourself lying in bed every morning and night, (not naked pictures, just like, good morning and good night, with a smile on his face.) and wanted to come see me for 2 ½ weeks at Christmas? That if I’d agreed, she would not be in the picture?” I doubt that she knows that.

The fact that he had to change the way he communicated with me, immediately, spoke volumes about her being uncomfortable with his relationship with me. Which is fine, but he should have said that to me. “She’s not comfortable with the way we communicated, so I’m going to honor that for the time being….I still love you, as my friend.” Whatever. He never could have the hard conversations. And if you can’t, you probably won’t be my friend for long.

It’s amazing how these two men tried to rewrite history when they were with another woman. I couldn’t do that for a minute. I was clear with Addie, that I was still grieving Scott, when he wanted to come here. I made sure he knew how I loved Scott. I’m not going to let someone make up a story in their head about what was or wasn’t going on.

But I wish him the best. And Scott.

This morning, the first day of 2016, I feel my life is richer, fuller, that I have a greater wealth of experience for having lived through the trials of 2015. My perspective has broadened, my understanding of what I want, and what it will take to get it, is deeper. I always knew I could get through the heartbreak, the trauma. I always said I was strong. Scott disagreed with me, because he could make me cry so easily. I bet he sees me differently now.

It’s a good way to start the year. Positive, looking forward, happy.

As Liz Gilbert says, “ONWARD!” For 2016, let us all move ONWARD!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Snapshots in Time

Posted on by learning to live like water

Snapshots-in-Time-Title

I have been pretty ambivalent lately in how I feel about him. I obviously missed him resulting in the blog about why we can’t be friends. I am also obviously a little distraught over my kitty. And I also fight a battle to be true to the person I want to be, which fights what I think is justice, resulting in the blog about compassion.

And I read a blog by a self-described narcissist who thought he was powerful, and made no apologies for being a user of people, which pissed me off, but moreso disgusted me.

Lots of conflicting emotions.

Scott used to complain so much about what I wrote in my blog. If he was acting like an asshole, I’ve always said so. And when he wasn’t I would say that too. I told him every blog is a snapshot in time, it’s what I feel at that moment, and it’s how I work through it.

I rue the day I EVER gave him the link to it. Worst decision ever…..

But he has it. And I feel he still reads them. Maybe not every day. I think sometimes, when he has curiosity or needs some attention, he still reads him. I have no way to verify that, it’s just something I “feel”. Which has often been a valid indicator. I do have my pendulums, but I still can’t be sure I’m getting real answers from them. They can also be a snapshot of the emotions that are being felt at the time.

So, I think I’ve figured it out at the moment. I don’t think there will be one definitive emotion. I don’t think I will ever say “I’m so done with him, I’ll never mention him again.” Or, “I will never miss him, look at what a jerk he was to me.” Or “I wish I’d hear from him” and leave it at that.

I think the emotions will come and go. I can see the pattern, but I can also see that the general trend is to keep him in the past, and let it go. It seems most days I’m doing that. It’s easier when I’m with other people, who remind me who I am and what I deserve from a man. And also remind me what a complete fuck-up fucktard he was, not only to me but to Betty.

It took years for my emotions to settle out to a consistent level after I left my ex.  Hopefully, it won’t take so long this time.

So…the blog continues to be a snap-shot in time. Like snap-chat except the blogs stay, they last. And good thing. It never hurts to have a whole lot of repetitive emotions on the printed page to remind you when you are frigging dying to reach out. And you know it would come to no good end, it would not do anything but re-open wounds that you’ve been working night and day at healing. And, anyway, the couple of times I”ve reached out, unable to quell the desire to talk to him, he has not responded. As if I’ve not been rejected enough.

Today, out running errands, by myself…(dangerous, to be driving around alone with your thoughts sometimes) I thought about how I was pretty sure they had plans for retirement, which my discovery of his lying cheating ass most likely put an end to. Suddenly it was important for him to get his house all cleaned up, and rooms painted, and fixed up. I think so he could sell it, or she could sell hers, and they could move in together. All of a sudden he was looking into Social Security, and getting the facts. Meeting with them. Telling me all about what you had to do and didn’t. And oddly getting mad at me when I already knew a lot of what he was telling me, but I’m close to that age, and I plan to start collecting it this spring.

So now…since I have a copy of the note she left him with the key to his house, saying it was all over, for him not to try to contact her, (and that was before she got my letter telling her the extent of his deception as well as a link to this blog), I would guess those plans are off for both of them. Wondering what he’ll do. Keep working? Since he had no plan before her, and probably doesn’t have one now. I have a feeling she can’t afford to retire unless she is with someone. That’s not something I know, but he told me a few times that she had terrible credit, had gotten into credit card debt, etc…..

And I know he wants to blame me for disrupting all of this. But I know at the end of the day he knows it was his own stupidity. He could have told me the truth for starters, back last spring. He could have kept his FB page hidden. He could have let me go any of the times I tried to break up with him because I wasn’t seeing him. Or the couple of times he told me he needs to be alone, and figure himself out. Usually followed within minutes or a day or two, with an offer to get together. I never took it seriously. But I did always tell him go ahead, I support that. I also told him do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m waiting in the corner for you when you decide you want to see me. If you want to be alone, be it…. And of course, he didn’t, because he made it up. He wanted to be with her, and with me. So he couldn’t go off an be alone.

Or he could have been honest with himself, and admitted that he only wanted to fuck two women, and didn’t really give a shit about either of them. I want to think he was more sincere about caring about her, but really….he denied us both to each other in exactly the same way. I just found out the truth. I don’t think she was looking for him to be lying so didn’t look for it But his choice to lead me on and build me up to a frenzy right up to the moment he told me about her, caused me to keep looking for answers. He knows I don’t “let things be” no matter how many times he asked me to.

So, I have a bunch of snapshots in the last 48 hours. Missing him, seeing him with compassion, being angry with him. And thinking about the bigger picture and how it affected him and her.

I don’t regret for a second that I made sure she knows. If he’d gotten a pass on it, it would have been a get out of jail free card, he would have done it again and again to her. (Which his history proves, his history with her and with me.) She might have gotten married to the SOB, to find her sheets soiled by another woman at any time. I wonder, often, if he had other women besides us two. If he went to see Samantha the prison whore after work some days. Or someone else. He has an insatiable need to prove himself sexually. And he can’t let anyone go, whose willing to give it to him. No matter what it will cost him if he’s found out.

He has neuropathy from being diabetic. After chemo, he wasn’t for a full year because of the weight he lost. But this summer his numbers went really bad, a fact I knew before he went to the dr and found out, because of that energetic connection we have. When all the real shit came down, I told him, it won’t matter soon, because your dick won’t be working all that much longer. I can be cruel too…..

At his age, it’s really disgusting. Honest to God. He’s gonna be 67 next month.

So today, I’m back to disgusted by the whole episode, and anxious to have it relegated to a corner of my past. Yes, I loved him. I loved him so friggin much it is ridiculous. Ridiculous considering who the man turned out to be. More ridiculous that I can say I still love him, but not in that needy, lustful way.

Snapshots…that’s all these are. Just snapshots of my emotions as I continue to work my way through this so I can have a free heart for the right guy.

Saturday Morning, Post-Gong Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

sun and moon

Today is the first day it’s been cold enough to feel like December.  It’s not going to last either, and is supposed to warm up again next week.  I am delighted at that. Saving so much money on heating bills.  And I haven’t had to break out my heavy coat yet.   With the winter solstice upon us, that’s incredible.

I love the two solstices, winter and summer. For opposite reasons….Winter because it marks the end of shortening days, and the return of the sun.  I’ve always wanted to see the Paul Winter Consort Winter Solstice concert at St. John’s Cathedral in NYC.  I have a friend who has gone many times.  He has brought in a sun gong for the last couple.

I love the summer solstice, because it is the longest day of the year.  I LOVE long days.  I love sitting outside at 9 PM in the twilight, watching fireflies, talking with friends.  I used to love someone who liked to do that too…..  Hopefully I will find someone else who can delight in the simple pleasures that the universe gives us.

I have a cat, who was given to me by my bff when I was living alone after I left my ex, and my son was living with him.  I was fine alone, I didn’t have an issue with it.  It was still better than dealing with the chaos my ex caused moment to moment.  But my friend couldn’t stand that I was coming home to an empty house, and foisted Maggie on me.  She’s never been a lap cat, never been cuddly.  She’ll sit beside me at times, but never on my lap.  This morning, I was doing my meditation, and she climbed up on my chest, and sat there purring.  I don’t know what all that was about, but it was sweet.  My head had been pretty clear of thoughts, and when she did that I just thought “love” over and over.

Trying to keep my emotions in check as we approach Christmas, and I’m alone.  Trying not to miss him.  It seems ludicrous to my mind, to miss him.  But last night at the gongs, I think I realized he really did have affection for me.  I’ll leave it at that.  I just started trying to dissect it again, and backspaced out a whole paragraph.  I don’t need to go there.  I know what it was, and I know what it is.  That’s enough.

As with yesterday, I am grateful for what I do have.  My son is off this weekend, it will be nice to have him around.  My bff and I are making Christmas cookies tomorrow.  We make 5 or 6 or 7 kinds, her daughter will be with us, home from college.  We generally have spiked eggnog or something while we do it, and Christmas carols on, and laughter.  Oh I love the laughter.

Laughter endears a person to me like nothing else.  And I haven’t done enough of it in the last 6 months.  I intend to change that balance, so that laughter is the rule of the day, and pain rarely shows it’s face.

Love and light to all.

Calmer Seas Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

Addie was out on a date last night, so I didn’t get to talk to him.  But he wished me goodnight, “Goodnight my love”, while he was with her.  I assume he was with the Christmas woman.  It’s whatever.  I’m not really jealous, I just would have liked to talk to him after the weekend. Tonight I have an appointment to cut and highlight my hair, so I won’t be around til later.

I almost sent S a link to my last night’s blog, Caught in the Riptide, with a note saying, “I’d really like answers to these questions some day”.  I actually typed it out, but then thought let me sleep on it, let me see how I feel in the morning.  And this morning I think, why?  He most likely would ignore it, first of all, but if he didn’t, it would come to no good end to initiate any kind of communication.

I think I also wanted him to know the reasons I told her, to understand why I made him tell her and then finished the job myself.  But he’ll likely read the blog.  I don’t think as long as his name is in the blog consistently he can stop reading it.  It’s attention.

I’m pretty sure Betty Boop told him not to try to contact him, and he probably doesn’t.  That’s what happened the last time, when I met him. That’s what the note she left with her key to her house said (he sent me a picture).  I don’t think she can do the hard conversations, he always said she was a woman of few words.  But he can’t either.  He either gets angry or defensive, it is hard for him to just talk out the issues with a give and take.  Especially when the issues are ones he created, caused, and is fully responsible for.  Accountability is not his strong suit.

And of course, I’m the woman with way too many words at times. So, this is the only attention he is likely getting, are my thoughts.  I could try to stop writing about him, and my emotions around what he did,  and sometimes I do.  But my healing requires me to write, and I can’t censure what I write because he may be reading it.

I’m feeling more myself this morning.  Less angry, hurt, more accepting, more hopeful, more looking to the future.   I do hope Addie finds someone, he needs someone.  I don’t, never have. I wanted someone, and there’s a big difference.  If the right guy doesn’t come along, I have a rich full life.  It can always be richer and fuller, but I trust in the universe to bring it there.

Yep, out of the riptide this morning.  The seas are calming, and my soul with it.

Unwelcome Solitude

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

feelings

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I was tired, I did my normal things, I shut my light out and expected to go off.  But an hour later I lay there, wide awake.

Maybe part of it was that Addie had a date last night.  I am not, was not jealous.  In fact, I am happy for him, because he deserves to find someone who can fall in love with him and I know it’s not me.  But I missed our nightly conversation, I missed him saying goodnight….

But the thing was that I just felt alone.  Really, bone chilling, heart wrenching alone. Sometimes I am happy that way, in fact, most of the time, I’m just fine with it.  But last night, I was just sick of it. Sick of walking through this life alone, sick of being so responsible for everything.  Like the house….it is sometimes overwhelming to think about getting it in shape to sell, and even moreso to think about packing up and moving a long way away.  But I’m going to do it.  Just wish I didn’t have to do everything, every single thing alone.

I even got mad at Scott again, I wrote a poem that started out, “Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?”  LOL. Actually, writing that helped me finally get to sleep, lol.  But I don’t think I’ll publish it.  I was allowing myself to feel way too sorry for myself, and blaming him for my solitude.  Well, yeah, he is culpable, but not completely.  I chose to love him despite every red flag, even many out of his own mouth.  My mother used to say, “No one can tell you anything…..”. LOL.  Yes, I’m way too independent for my own good at times.

Last night was one of those times.  My independence had me alone, and I wasn’t happy about it.  This morning…I am fine with it, lol.  I have a lot to do today.  Have to get to the store, I have to make cookies to take to a cookie swap, and will be with people I love and who love me tonight.

Feelings pass.  We have to learn to honor them, to let ourselves feel them, and sooner or later, we move on to a different place.  I finally slept, maybe about 5 or 6 hours which is about average anyway.  I have to consciously change my course and open my heart to all the possibilities.  Again.

Just some introspective musings this Saturday morning. Love and light to all.

 

 

Another Lovely Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_2008

Daybreak, with a small crescent moon and one star in the sky.  Is it Venus?  I don’t know.  Promises to be another beautiful, unusual December day.

Not much to say this morning.  Waiting, I feel like I’m waiting, for the next phase of my life to begin.  I am sick of work, sick of trying to make sense of the nonsensical.  But I’m grateful, still…for all my blessings. Like this beautiful morning.

Peace, everyone.  Love and light.

 

 

 

Mellowing Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

tree

My tree is all decorated,and the house, except the outside lights. I still have to deal with that white extension cord for the lighted garland on the mantle, but you get the idea.  It was a nice day.  My son “supervised” while he watched football, but he was good company. He listened to me tell him stories about the different ornaments.  Some his cousins made, some from his first Christmas.  Some of them from his grandmother, from when I was a child.  It was enjoyable, close, relaxed, happy.

Just when I finished my cousin called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, which I did. She lives on a lake in the next town, we walked a couple of miles and talked and talked.  That too was nice.  Family.  It was a family day.  I was telling her how sick I have gotten of myself, and all the drama, and how nice it was to spend 4 days just with my son, and talking to old friends.  I realized talking to my bff from high school yesterday that I really don’t want to tell anyone else the story.  I am so sick of it, lol.

A number of people have expressed surprise that Betty has not contacted me.  I know I would have, but she probably got all she needed from the blogs.  And she’s only been aware of what was going on for less than 2 weeks.  S always said she didn’t have much to say anyway, so I’m not surprised.  The whole thing had the feel of some stupid high school drama anyway, and I’m glad really, not to have to discuss it with her, though I would have if she felt the need.

I sent A a picture of the tree.  He won’t have one, living in his RV, working on his house.  I know he wishes he was here today, helping me decorate it.  Then I told him I was about to make a plate of left-overs, lol. His response, “God, woman, you are making my mouth water….”

A had been very sweet lately, even though he’s trying to find someone who wants a relationship with him.  He asked me for a pic of me in my bathrobe and jammies this morning, my hair only combed slightly, lol.  He said, “please, that’s when you are the most beautiful, when you wake up.”  He’s seen me wake up twice.  Once at his house, once at mine.  I’m so grateful to have  him in my life.  I can love him a lot from a distance.

I wondered idly at some point today if S remembered last Thanksgiving weekend, when he was complaining he didn’t get any leftovers from his ex-wife, and I showed up on Saturday with enough for he and I to have a meal, and for him to have a couple more.  I remember that as a nice weekend, even though I can’t remember what we did.  Maybe went to the beach, I think he took me to a produce stand near one of the beaches. Doesn’t matter.   I didn’t think about it long, it was just a passing thought. Didn’t make me happy or sad, it was just a memory.

It was a happy, calm, relaxing day.  In fact, the last 4 days have been. I didn’t need an Ambien to sleep last night either. Mellowing out.  Life is good.