Day One, 2016. Good Day.

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

Astrophyllite pendant

Quiet first day of 2016. I was alone all day, which was fine. I was tired from going to bed at 1 AM, and not sleeping that well. I made the pendant in the picture today. The stone is a natural stone called Astrophillite. I’d never seen the stone before, and really liked the irridescence embedded in the black stone.

I looked up the metaphysical properties, and found this:

Astrophyllite is a stone of self-knowledge and self-acceptance that is said to promote a feeling of well-being. Through this self-awareness and acceptance, it is said to be excellent for releasing unhealthy behavior patterns or bad habits. It is said to help one reach and align with the soul’s purpose.

Astrophyllite grounds and calms, as well as protecting. It can bring fidelity, honesty between partners by activating a soul-connection that allows the partners to “see into” the other’s soul. It is said to give the ability to make major change that moves forward your life journey in a positive way, something akin to the saying that when a door closes, a window opens somewhere. Astrophyllite is said to help with astral travels. (from http://meanings.crystalsandjewelry.com/astrophyllite/

Geez. Too bad I didn’t have this stone over the summer. I just bought it a couple months ago. Coincidental? Well, I have it now.

I actually started this pendant the other day. I coiled the wire for the wavey feature on the right the other day,then put it all together today. The cube shaped clear stones are clear quartz crystal. Total time to make it was probably 5 or 6 hours. I’ll put it up on my Etsy store when I get more pics taken.

I really enjoy making jewelry, especially this type of wire wrapping. It uses a different part of my brain than writing, and it does me good to be creative in another way besides writing. I tend to get too much in my head sometimes, with writing. Especially when I’m alone all day. I start wanting answers to questions that will never be answered. I begin to feel people’s energy that would be better left alone.

It was coming on pretty strong today. So I sent Reiki to him fairly intensely for a half hour earlier today. I don’t know if he’s even open to it. If he’s not he won’t get it, but it will be there for him if he is. It helped me anyway. I turn the energy back around toward him with a loving intent, and it balanced me at the same time. All has been quiet since.

It’s a quiet evening now. I’m watching Coneheads on TV, it’s such funny movie. I remember when it first came out, my ex and I were on our boat, going down the Connecticut River with 1000 other boats. This had to be in the 80’s. Some guys came up the river, in the opposite direction in a candy red speedboat, flying up the river. When they went by us, we could see that they had coneheads on….OMG, we were laughing so hard…

Hope everyone had a good and peaceful first day of the year. Love and light.

Update on Maggie, the Kitty

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I guess it’s have computer and blog, will write today.

I finally got an appointment for Maggie to get her surgery. Wednesday, Jan. 6. Yesterday she was really bleeding badly, so I confined her to my bathroom, brought her food and litter box up there. I felt guilty, but thought, it’s better than a cage, she can walk around. I made her a little bed with some old junk towels. At least the bathroom is easy to clean up.

Needless to say she was not happy about it, and at first cried and cried, but finally gave up. I went in every few hours and cleaned it and her up, and cuddled her.

This morning she seemed better. Not nearly as badly bleeding. I remembered I had some plastic drop cloths in the garage. I laid them out and cut them to cover my bedroom carpeted floor, including under my bed which is her hangout of choice. I let her out, confining her to my bedroom and the bathroom now. I can hear her up there, trying to get the door open. But she spends a lot of her time in my bedroom anyway, and I’m sure she’ll be more content there until Wednesday morning.

At this point, I just hope the surgery can resolve the problem, and that they don’t open her up and find out it’s spread all over. I’m hopeful because she has a good appetite and plenty of energy to try to open the door, lol.

I remembered, randomly, how Scott thought I should get rid of her because he was allergic to her. I remember thinking, I’ve had her for 7 years (at the time) and you for 6 months. And you are commitment phobic….. Take a Benadryl, or a Claritin. Can you imagine someone you dated for a few months asking that? Geezus. I wonder if he realizes how selfish a request that was?

Anyway, I am praying she’ll be ok with the surgery, and fixed, and I’ll be able to take her with me to Florida. I didn’t want her when I got her, because I didn’t want the responsibility of a pet, but I love her now. I would miss her a lot.

Well it will be what it will be.

I do have a lovely stone I want to wire wrap today. I have been prepping the wire, part of the process is to coil a smaller gauge wire around a larger gauge. Very time-consuming. It adds texture to the piece. I’ll post a picture of it when it’s finished.

I also want to start taking the Christmas decorations down. I am so ready to put them away, and get back to normal life. That being said, I am a kind of tired from my late night last night. Not really hung over, even though over 7 hours we did put away one martini at the hibachi grill and then we each had at least 3 glasses of wine at my house. I can say I was feeling no pain, but I also wasn’t really downright inebriated. Just had a good New Year’s buzz on. At any rate, I’m not thinking I’ll be taking down the tree today.

Hope everyone is having a decent New Year’s day.

Moving Onward in 2016

Posted on by learning to live like water

OnwardAndUpward

2016, Finally!

I am so glad to leave the past year behind. I learned so much, I lived such extreme experiences. I can’t say it was a waste of time, I can only say it was really hard. Not what I expected at this age.

This year, I have some plans, really good plans that will propel me closer to the life I want to live. I’ve been off of work, and have been able to do some of the things I need to get done to sell my house. The more I do, the more I want to get done. I am so excited for this move. To be far away from the drama that played out in my life, unbidden. To live within 20 minutes of the beach will be a dream come true, in a climate where I can walk on it and not freeze ever. That sounds like heaven to me. I’ll still come back to New England in the summer, and visit friends, during the hottest part of the summer in Florida. My friends and I figure I can spend a month here, staying with various friends. Who will be visiting me in Florida in the dead of the cold winter. It feels win-win to me.

My mom seems to be doing well. She is slipping into dementia, at 94. Caused mostly by her inability to communicate, or read or write, which were her passions. But she seems pretty healthy, and when I spoke to her yesterday, she could still laugh, and recognize my voice. Which brings me joy. I would love if even for a few months I could go visit her daily.

I went out with a friend last night. We went to a hibachi grill and really enjoyed the show the chef puts on in front of you. Flicking food from the grill into people’s mouths from the grill, shooting saki in to people’s mouths, building volcano fires with rings of onions. The food was good too. We totally enjoyed it.

Then we came back to my house, watched some of the New Year’s Eve shows on TV, and talked talked talked. We both had relationships in which we were totally in love, that ended badly during the last year. But we are both moving on, both doing our best to let them go. We are both selling our homes in the spring. Her kids are thinking of moving away to be close to their father for awhile, he’s lived away from them for a long time now and wants them to move near him. She would never stop them, but is not happy about it. She says if they do, though, when she sells the house she may move to Florida too! If her kids move, she has no family ties here, and is a nurse, she can work anywhere. She has a friend near where I want to be that loves it, and it’s really starting to look like a good idea to her. That would be so much fun. She’s my one single friend here who likes to go out and have fun! She’s younger than me by almost 15 years, but we have been friends for 18 years, we used to boat together when our families were intact. Our kids went to school together. My son and her daughter have been really good friends for most of their lives.

I was talking to her about blogging and showed her some of my work. She read one of my poems while I was out of the room, and it made her cry. I showed her some of the stuff I wrote about Scott, the good stuff. She was like God, what is the matter with him, to have someone who loves him like this and then do what he did? She noted how I wear my heart on my sleeve, especially in my writing. He knew, he always knew how I felt. The fact that he could not honor that is his defect, not mine for loving him.

It made me feel good that she felt what I felt when I wrote it, but it also just made me laugh, because there I was, thinking I’d never get over him, and I’m over him, lol. Even last night, we were talking about what we did last New Years. I said, I was with Scott, it was one of my best New Year’s ever. But it didn’t hurt to say it. Nor did I feel the need to question it, and his motives. We had a good time, then. It got all f’d up months later. But I have to say, it was real back then. It was just the two of us, there were no other people involved. I think his feelings then were as genuine as he can be.

No regrets.

I got a Happy New Year message from Addison. Nothing more, no message, just happy new year. Later, I sent him one back, and said “Happy New Year Addison. I hope you find what you are looking for in 2016. I wish you peace.” I heard nothing else from him, don’t expect to. I’m sure it hit a nerve that I called him Addison, not Addie. I talked to my friend about him. How he met this woman on a Friday, Saturday he’s talking about coming to see me, and how I have broken his heart so many times, and Sunday night he’s living in this woman’s house for a week, “to see how we do after we’re together for a week.” Talk about dying to fall in love, and doing it with the first woman that smiled his way. Too needy for me. Needy is near the top of the list of things I can’t stand in a man.

On Christmas, I sent him a Merry Christmas text. I said I hoped he was well. He answered me, “Merry Christmas. Tobi and I just finished breakfast.” Which was just, weird! This is a man who called me his best friend, who sent me kisses and hugs and hearts with every message. Until the Sunday night (two days after he met her) that he had decided to stay with her for a week. He said, “She knows about you.” Scott also told me that about Betty.

And I want to say to both of them, “What does she know?” I knew for a fact that Betty didn’t know the truth at all. But she does now. To Addie, “does she know how much you were in love with me? How you sent me pictures of yourself lying in bed every morning and night, (not naked pictures, just like, good morning and good night, with a smile on his face.) and wanted to come see me for 2 ½ weeks at Christmas? That if I’d agreed, she would not be in the picture?” I doubt that she knows that.

The fact that he had to change the way he communicated with me, immediately, spoke volumes about her being uncomfortable with his relationship with me. Which is fine, but he should have said that to me. “She’s not comfortable with the way we communicated, so I’m going to honor that for the time being….I still love you, as my friend.” Whatever. He never could have the hard conversations. And if you can’t, you probably won’t be my friend for long.

It’s amazing how these two men tried to rewrite history when they were with another woman. I couldn’t do that for a minute. I was clear with Addie, that I was still grieving Scott, when he wanted to come here. I made sure he knew how I loved Scott. I’m not going to let someone make up a story in their head about what was or wasn’t going on.

But I wish him the best. And Scott.

This morning, the first day of 2016, I feel my life is richer, fuller, that I have a greater wealth of experience for having lived through the trials of 2015. My perspective has broadened, my understanding of what I want, and what it will take to get it, is deeper. I always knew I could get through the heartbreak, the trauma. I always said I was strong. Scott disagreed with me, because he could make me cry so easily. I bet he sees me differently now.

It’s a good way to start the year. Positive, looking forward, happy.

As Liz Gilbert says, “ONWARD!” For 2016, let us all move ONWARD!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Just Bringing the Truth

Posted on by learning to live like water

truth

I wrote that blog last night about the hammer, and didn’t think about the fact that S might read it.  I don’t have any idea if he still reads my blogs.  I don’t know why he would, except to reassure himself on some sick level that I still think about him.  I would guess if he reads that one, he’ll get angry, and think it was all about revenge.  (My pendulum still says he does, though not every day.  It just seems illogical to me, that he would.  We have not spoken since I told him he was dead to me.  So why he would want to read it?  Maybe to reassure himself he is really not dead to me?  Who knows?)

Well, of course I think about him.  But I don’t think of him with any pangs of longing, it’s more like a bad habit I’m breaking now.  Kind like when the text alert goes off on my phone, I still first think of him, because we used to text so much.)  He is less and less on my mind.  What he did is more and more just another experience I lived through and learned from.

Neither of the experiences that I wrote about, he or my ex-husband, were about getting even.  Neither of the experiences was about revenge.  My ex was about getting what was mine, and being fair. I only brought the truth to light so I could survive.

S was about bringing the truth to light as well, so that everyone knew exactly what was going on, and so could make their own decision about whether or not they wanted to be part of it.  I feel that I did the right thing for myself, for her, and whether or not he wants to believe or accept it, for him.  A relationship based on a lie is nothing, except an ego boost for the narcissist, that he once again pulled the wool over someone’s eyes and got away with it.  While I normally stay out of other people’s business, I felt that since I was the third leg of his triangle, it was my business. He involved me where I didn’t want to be involved.  And when you pull one leg out of the triangle, it’s going to collapse, it’s a law of physics….

Both men were someone I loved, and men I hope the best for in the new year.  I am so happy to be moving away from all that drama.

I have a nice New Year’s Eve planned with a friend.  We’re going to try to get an early dinner somewhere, (because we have no reservations and probably can’t get any at this late date) and then hang out at my house and talk, drink wine, watch movies, lol.  I’m glad I won’t be alone, but if I was, I’d probably just write and write, lol.

Love and light everyone.  May 2016 be our year!

Dropping the Hammer

Posted on by learning to live like water

Hammer

Today I went to see the movie “Joy” with some friends. I really liked it, and loved Jennifer Lawrence’s character. So strong and smart. She learned from every bad experience. She called people out when they needed to be called out. She did her homework.

Toward the end of the movie, the narrator said, “She would take anything, until she had to drop the hammer. And then she would drop it hard.” Or something to that effect.

God, that made me laugh!!!! That was ME!!!

My ex…refused to settle with me. Our divorce went on 4 years, he appealed the judge’s fair decision after a 3 day trial, and took it to the Supreme Court. Until then, I couldn’t get a dime of our joint estate, because it was all in his name. But there were times that I felt like I just kept taking and taking abuse from him until I just dropped the hammer. During our trial, I produced journals he knew nothing about. I had pictures he knew nothing about. And I had actual information about his business because I had done the books my whole life. I was not the stupid country girl he thought I was. His testimony was not credible at any point. Mine always was. He spent probably $125K trying to keep me from getting what was rightfully mine from a 32 year marriage. But I won. I dropped the hammer. (And he ended up paying the bulk of my legal fees too…..)

With Scott….well it’s obvious. I took and took and took what he was dishing out. He kept fucking with my head, my life, and I kept taking it. But finally, when he exceeded the limit of what I could take, when I found out he’d been with her all summer, and lied to both of us, bold faced, look-you-in-the-face lies, I dropped the hammer again. I did my research. I was not the naive stupid lovelorn woman he thought I was either. I found out the truth. I made him tell her, or I would. I will never forget calling him and saying, “Are you telling her? Becaue I have her number dialed on my phone pad and I’m going to call her if you don’t tell her.” And then I finished the job that I knew he would not do by sending her a letter which spelled it out for her. She may want him back, though I doubt it. But at least, if she does, she knows what she’s getting.

And I have no regrets about either man. They both made their bed, they both lie down in it tonight. If my ex had settled with me, he’d not be broke right now. If Scott had told me the truth, there would have been nothing to tell her. If either man hadn’t been so hell-bent on satisfying themselves instead of doing the right thing, they would both be where they want to be right now.

I, on the other hand, am. Right where I need to be. Without either one, and with a life rich with family and friends, looking forward to a retirement in a warmer climate, and knowing that somewhere there is a man my age that would be happy to have a smart, independent, fairly attractive, honest, and passionate woman.

Letting go has not been easy, but I knew I could do it. I know I can do it, I’ll keep it in the present tense.

And like Joy, if you fuck with me, you will get hammered. Period.

Let It Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

let it be

This morning I chose a guided meditation on acceptance. It seemed quite clear to me after my last blog, Still Waiting, that I was not doing a good job of accepting what is. I have been holding on, waiting for some resolution, some miracle of understanding to happen.

The guided part of the meditation asks, “What would your life be like if you could accept someone else’s point of view all the time?” I remember thinking, “I can’t…accept lies and deception of another person as a way to achieve personal satisfaction….I can’t.” As the guided part ended and I slipped into the gap, I thought, but why not just accept what happened, as just what happened? Why not, just allow it to be, since it is, it was, what happened? Why fight this forever?

And, at least, for that 20 minutes, I accepted it. I accepted the pain, and the heartache, and that I loved him, and who he was, and who I was, and the lessons I learned, and the place to which it has brought me. Without judgment. Without tears, without any emotion about it. I just observed it, as an experience of my life.

Which is exactly how I view my long relationship with my ex-husband. I can see the good, the bad, the ending, the beginning, the differences, the pain, the joy….

And for that time while I was in that deep gap of silence, and maybe longer, I can see the same with Scott. It was good, it was bad, it was thwarted because of his inability to be accountable for his actions. His actions before me, his actions with me. His actions with her. I don’t judge, I actually have a good idea what burdens he carries. And that he carries even more now, somewhere deep inside that damaged psyche. For that I can have compassion.

I accept it is the way it is. At least for now. It may not last. But it may. It seemed to resonate on a deeper level than before. I can only hope. I can only be mindful, as I move through the next days, weeks, months, and let it be.

Which is ironic, it’s what he always wanted me to do, lol. Let it be. Don’t tell her, let it be. Don’t ask that question, let it be. Don’t look for answers, let it be.

Suddenly, I think I can let it be, but only because I have answered my questions, I know what happened, I see quite clearly. I stood in my own truth, I did what I needed to do. The story is written, the truth came out, the whole truth. The rest of the story unfolded as it should have, and my story continues to unfold, as does his, as does hers, but those are none of my business.

So I’ll let it be. Right now, I stop asking questions, I stop holding on to the trauma and the pain and the love….. Just let it be. It was an experience. Like taking a trip, like taking a drive, like any other experience. I may have learned more from it, and so I will be grateful for it. I don’t wish it never happened, because then I would not have known that I can still love passionately, unconditionally. I would not know that trust needs to be earned. I would not know that unconditional love has to extend to ourselves first. Always.

Acceptance. I hope I can continue to let it be. I know that the waves may still wash over me, I hope I can go back to this place, and let the waves come in, and go. Let the tide rise and fall again. I hope I can find the man I’m looking for somewhere along the tideline. Where all the treasure washes up.

Still Waiting…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Waiting-

Maybe I’m just tired tonight. It’s getting late for me, because I’m up so early. Maybe it’s because I was alone all day.

But I’m sad. Just, sad. I miss him, and I don’t. I remember how I loved him and I don’t anymore, but I miss loving him. I used to be able to call his name in my head, and I’d hear from him. I don’t now. I think about calling him that way, and then every version of the conversation that could possibly take place runs through my head and it’s never good, it never serves any purpose except to re-open old wounds.

I wish I could just let go. I wish I had no connection to him except the 18 months that I knew him. I wish I never knew what he felt, and I wish I had never called his name and had him answer. I wish he’d never said to me, “if something happened to you, I’d know. I’d just know.” Because if that’s true, he knows right now how my heart aches. And I believe it’s true, that he knows. Because I know when his does.

Right now, I know he doesn’t blame me, he doesn’t hate me. But he never wants to talk to me again, because it reminds him of how utterly stupid and self-absorbed and self-centered he is. And what he lost because of it. He knows he cannot hide from me, because he knows that my soul and his recognize each other over the lifetimes, even if he says, “We can’t know that…” Instead of me reminding him of the light that shines somewhere under all those layers of darkness that he hides under, I remind him of how he put his own interests ahead of everyone, and ended up with nothing and no one. A barren landscape that once held so much promise.  I never wanted to bring him shame. 

Why do I even care? I am strong, independent. I have created my life so that I can live it out the way I want to, and don’t need anyone. But I wanted him, I think that has gone on for a very long time. I knew this when we met, I knew that I already knew him.

I read a couple of old blogs from the 3 days over which the truth became known in November. I don’t know why I read them, maybe I was just trying to keep the memory of my disgust, my amazement at the depth of what he did, alive so I wouldn’t miss him, so I’d see how utterly without conscience he was.

I remembered all of that, but then I also remembered when I loved him. I also remembered when the end started, and I also remembered how I kept asking him to just let me go. I remembered how it unraveled slowly all summer and then he let it build back up, he pretended we were going to be together in the way I’d dreamed of for months. He let my emotions crescendo, maybe because he wanted to feel how much I loved him just one last time, just before he destroyed me.  It’s hard for me to imagine that he didn’t purposefully cause me all that pain.

I found this poem I wrote one week after I last talked to him, the day that she got my letter and I told him he was dead to me.  I’m going to put it here again, because I think it’s pertinent to the way I feel tonight. It’s called “Awaiting Transformation”

Day dawns,

First light glows the horizon

Soft pink

Where heaven meets earth.

The sky still indigo directly above,

With one solitary star still visible

On this cold clear November morning.

The trees are bare,

The earth in New England settles down

For a long winter nap.

All of the the past year’s leaves and flowers

Lay on the ground

Ready to begin their transformation.

We mourn their passing,

Yet

At the same time

We know at the first breath of spring

They will arise to become

something once again beautiful.

I will rest with them

Let my heart

Heal in the warm unconditional love

of the universe

All the pieces I have so carefully put back together,

And the ones I have not found yet,

Will meld together again,

Become whole once more.

I will leave the old hurts in the ground with the leaves

Covered in the blankets of snow

Knowing that the spring will come.

Awaiting transformation.

 

Snapshots in Time

Posted on by learning to live like water

Snapshots-in-Time-Title

I have been pretty ambivalent lately in how I feel about him. I obviously missed him resulting in the blog about why we can’t be friends. I am also obviously a little distraught over my kitty. And I also fight a battle to be true to the person I want to be, which fights what I think is justice, resulting in the blog about compassion.

And I read a blog by a self-described narcissist who thought he was powerful, and made no apologies for being a user of people, which pissed me off, but moreso disgusted me.

Lots of conflicting emotions.

Scott used to complain so much about what I wrote in my blog. If he was acting like an asshole, I’ve always said so. And when he wasn’t I would say that too. I told him every blog is a snapshot in time, it’s what I feel at that moment, and it’s how I work through it.

I rue the day I EVER gave him the link to it. Worst decision ever…..

But he has it. And I feel he still reads them. Maybe not every day. I think sometimes, when he has curiosity or needs some attention, he still reads him. I have no way to verify that, it’s just something I “feel”. Which has often been a valid indicator. I do have my pendulums, but I still can’t be sure I’m getting real answers from them. They can also be a snapshot of the emotions that are being felt at the time.

So, I think I’ve figured it out at the moment. I don’t think there will be one definitive emotion. I don’t think I will ever say “I’m so done with him, I’ll never mention him again.” Or, “I will never miss him, look at what a jerk he was to me.” Or “I wish I’d hear from him” and leave it at that.

I think the emotions will come and go. I can see the pattern, but I can also see that the general trend is to keep him in the past, and let it go. It seems most days I’m doing that. It’s easier when I’m with other people, who remind me who I am and what I deserve from a man. And also remind me what a complete fuck-up fucktard he was, not only to me but to Betty.

It took years for my emotions to settle out to a consistent level after I left my ex.  Hopefully, it won’t take so long this time.

So…the blog continues to be a snap-shot in time. Like snap-chat except the blogs stay, they last. And good thing. It never hurts to have a whole lot of repetitive emotions on the printed page to remind you when you are frigging dying to reach out. And you know it would come to no good end, it would not do anything but re-open wounds that you’ve been working night and day at healing. And, anyway, the couple of times I”ve reached out, unable to quell the desire to talk to him, he has not responded. As if I’ve not been rejected enough.

Today, out running errands, by myself…(dangerous, to be driving around alone with your thoughts sometimes) I thought about how I was pretty sure they had plans for retirement, which my discovery of his lying cheating ass most likely put an end to. Suddenly it was important for him to get his house all cleaned up, and rooms painted, and fixed up. I think so he could sell it, or she could sell hers, and they could move in together. All of a sudden he was looking into Social Security, and getting the facts. Meeting with them. Telling me all about what you had to do and didn’t. And oddly getting mad at me when I already knew a lot of what he was telling me, but I’m close to that age, and I plan to start collecting it this spring.

So now…since I have a copy of the note she left him with the key to his house, saying it was all over, for him not to try to contact her, (and that was before she got my letter telling her the extent of his deception as well as a link to this blog), I would guess those plans are off for both of them. Wondering what he’ll do. Keep working? Since he had no plan before her, and probably doesn’t have one now. I have a feeling she can’t afford to retire unless she is with someone. That’s not something I know, but he told me a few times that she had terrible credit, had gotten into credit card debt, etc…..

And I know he wants to blame me for disrupting all of this. But I know at the end of the day he knows it was his own stupidity. He could have told me the truth for starters, back last spring. He could have kept his FB page hidden. He could have let me go any of the times I tried to break up with him because I wasn’t seeing him. Or the couple of times he told me he needs to be alone, and figure himself out. Usually followed within minutes or a day or two, with an offer to get together. I never took it seriously. But I did always tell him go ahead, I support that. I also told him do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m waiting in the corner for you when you decide you want to see me. If you want to be alone, be it…. And of course, he didn’t, because he made it up. He wanted to be with her, and with me. So he couldn’t go off an be alone.

Or he could have been honest with himself, and admitted that he only wanted to fuck two women, and didn’t really give a shit about either of them. I want to think he was more sincere about caring about her, but really….he denied us both to each other in exactly the same way. I just found out the truth. I don’t think she was looking for him to be lying so didn’t look for it But his choice to lead me on and build me up to a frenzy right up to the moment he told me about her, caused me to keep looking for answers. He knows I don’t “let things be” no matter how many times he asked me to.

So, I have a bunch of snapshots in the last 48 hours. Missing him, seeing him with compassion, being angry with him. And thinking about the bigger picture and how it affected him and her.

I don’t regret for a second that I made sure she knows. If he’d gotten a pass on it, it would have been a get out of jail free card, he would have done it again and again to her. (Which his history proves, his history with her and with me.) She might have gotten married to the SOB, to find her sheets soiled by another woman at any time. I wonder, often, if he had other women besides us two. If he went to see Samantha the prison whore after work some days. Or someone else. He has an insatiable need to prove himself sexually. And he can’t let anyone go, whose willing to give it to him. No matter what it will cost him if he’s found out.

He has neuropathy from being diabetic. After chemo, he wasn’t for a full year because of the weight he lost. But this summer his numbers went really bad, a fact I knew before he went to the dr and found out, because of that energetic connection we have. When all the real shit came down, I told him, it won’t matter soon, because your dick won’t be working all that much longer. I can be cruel too…..

At his age, it’s really disgusting. Honest to God. He’s gonna be 67 next month.

So today, I’m back to disgusted by the whole episode, and anxious to have it relegated to a corner of my past. Yes, I loved him. I loved him so friggin much it is ridiculous. Ridiculous considering who the man turned out to be. More ridiculous that I can say I still love him, but not in that needy, lustful way.

Snapshots…that’s all these are. Just snapshots of my emotions as I continue to work my way through this so I can have a free heart for the right guy.

Thoughts on Compassion

Posted on by learning to live like water

thich nhat hanh compassion quotes

It seems that winter has hit the northeast USA today.  It is cold, but not unseasonably so.  It’s just hovering around freezing.  But that’s the problem, it’s precipitating, and it’s sleet, not snow.  Frozen pellets falling from the sky.

Thankfully, I don’t have to work.  Thankfully it’s supposed to change to rain by late morning.  However, I had a dental appointment at 8 AM for a crown, which I just canceled.  To get there I have to drive over a huge hill, in some places it would be called a small mountain.  And there are accidents galore on the highways this morning.  I’m guessing that getting out of my driveway would be challenging.  So, now I have to wait to get this crown done.  I hope the tooth does not fall apart in the meantime.

I still am waiting to hear from the vet for an appointment for Maggie.  I called them late last evening, so I’m guessing they will call back this morning.

So, I’m home for the morning anyway.  I think I may make some jewelry.  I have so many lovely stones I can wire-wrap.  I need to use that part of my brain for awhile.  It will refresh my outlook on things.  Give me some perspective. 

Tomorrow I’m going to see Joy  with Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Robert DeNiro with a few of my friends, and get a bite to eat.  Looking forward to it.  Although, I may have to take Maggie to the vet tomorrow also.  If I don’t get an appointment tomorrow, I’ll have to wait til next week, I doubt that it would get done New Year’s Eve. 

I did a guided meditation on Forgiveness this morning.  I chose that one, because I felt I was slipping backwards a bit.  I know from the experience with my ex-husband that the only way I can move forward and truly let go of the past is to forgive.  I see my ex now as the flawed damaged person he is, who is still seeking the unconditional love, though he doesn’t believe in it, and in his damaged psyche, doesn’t believe he deserves it.  Which is how, in my heart, I see Scott too. 

I know too much about both men, I know what their lives were like as children, I know the struggles they went through.  I know my ex’s from experience, from almost 40 years of living with his extended family and seeing the dysfunction in action.  I know Scott’s experience from what he told me.  I believe it to be true, because his actions, and his relationships with his sister and his mother bear the stories out. 

When I know this, and see this, I have to feel compassion.  I don’t have to feel love in the way that I did, I don’t have to want to be with them, but I have to feel compassion.  I am just more comfortable that way. 

I believed with Scott that if I loved him unconditionally, as he had never been, it would eventually bring him around.  That was my Pollyanna side, because one person’s unconditional love for that time was not going to be enough to undo years of conditioning.  It was my naivete.  I was coming off of the power it had to give my son strength, but my son had my unconditional love for his whole life, and had a frame of reference.  Scott had none, and so, had no reason to believe that it was real, that I was not just naive and stupid.  In hindsight, he had affection for me, but it was very mixed with his own self-centered self-absorbed desires, and needs.  He is a typical child of an abusive dysfunctional household. 

My ex’s childhood was similar, with different twists.  I know first hand how verbally and emotionally abusive his father could be, because I worked for him for 20 years, before we bought the business, and he visited it upon me a few times. I also know how his mother passively endorsed the abuse, while professing love for her children. It was not until I left that marriage that I learned about abuse, that I even realized there was a name for what I lived through.  I found an online community of over 8000 members, and I remember reading their posts, thinking “Oh My God!  There are OTHER people who have lived with this!  There’s  NAME for what he did to me!”  I remained very active in that community for at least 5 years.  I went in naive, I came out with an education.  The friends I made there are still some of my closest friends.  We still call on each other as our children deal with the repercussions of abuse.

Combine this education, with embarking on a spiritual path, to regain my sense of self, to rediscover who I was when I left my marriage.  Because when you live with abuse, you end up spending 24/7 just trying to keep the peace.  Just trying to stay a step ahead of the abuser, to protect yourself and your kids.  You try to become what they want, so they will be happy.  Of course, they always change what they want, the minute you achieve it, so that you never know what’s going to come at you.  A true honest mind-fuck of the first degree.

I began to recognize the same pattern with Scott, with his push pull game.  The same thing, in a different form. Which is why I kept trying to break up with him, but was unable to let go.  Until, it’s all I could do to save myself.

I cleansed my pendulums this morning with white sage and asked some very pointed questions.  I got what I believe are real answers, and I’m going to try to follow the path that they put me on. They were questions and answers about dealing with these issues with compassion.  Both men and the issues still come into my head way too much, and I don’t want to fear them, I don’t want to hate them, I don’t want to feel angry. 

There was something for me to learn in both situations, and I think, something for me to teach.  If the student refuses the lesson, that’s not my problem.  I think I’ve learned mine.  I’m open to them, and to any that are still hanging out there for me to learn.

I sense that my ex has been humbled.  Not completely, but he is sounding more like he’s reaching out, that he misses having some communication with someone who knows him.  That’s a good thing.  I won’t get caught in his web again, but it’s possible that now that he’s lost everything, and I mean everything….he can be a little vulnerable, because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I’m not jumping in, but neither will I be afraid to communicate with him.

Scott, I don’t sense much from.  I think he’s closed whatever small opening he had in his heart that would have allowed love to enter and to extend from him.  I do sense though, that perhaps he’s doing what I suggested, and taking some time to re-evaluate the way he lives.  He’s not doing this because I suggested it, he’s doing it because in his mind he’s lost everything too.  He’s heading into his final years, when he should be retiring, and enjoying life with people he loves, but he’s all alone.  His ploy to keep people in his life based on deception didn’t work.  So I hope he’s going to go within, and try to find his own light.  I still can see that soul, I still can see his light. I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my feelings for him:  love, hate, anger, compassion, longing, repulsion….. 

At the end of the day, I have to go with compassion, because it’s my comfort zone.  It’s what I believe in my heart to be the only way to move forward.  My pendulums seem to concur with that. 

One thing I learned in the abuse community was that hurt people hurt people.  I am no exception.  When each of these men hurt me, I hurt them back.  My words with Scott, while true….were scathing. My actions with my ex, while necessary for my survival and my son’s, blindsided him.  I make no apologies, really, because Scott devastated me, I had to release that pain.  My ex was on a quest to steal my soul…my son…my breath.  If I didn’t leave him we both would have died, literally…because the dysfunction was truly affecting our health.  My son would have never seen that there is a different way to live, he would have been doomed to repeat what he did not understand.

Lord, I did not expect this blog to go here.  But it did, and that’s the reason I write mostly.  To work things out, to express things that I am trying to understand, and in the expression to find the understanding.  If you made it this far, thank you. 

Love and light.