Tag Archives: family

Promise of the Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.

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I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.

You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.

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The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.

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Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.

When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.

Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.

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Mellowing Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

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My tree is all decorated,and the house, except the outside lights. I still have to deal with that white extension cord for the lighted garland on the mantle, but you get the idea.  It was a nice day.  My son “supervised” while he watched football, but he was good company. He listened to me tell him stories about the different ornaments.  Some his cousins made, some from his first Christmas.  Some of them from his grandmother, from when I was a child.  It was enjoyable, close, relaxed, happy.

Just when I finished my cousin called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, which I did. She lives on a lake in the next town, we walked a couple of miles and talked and talked.  That too was nice.  Family.  It was a family day.  I was telling her how sick I have gotten of myself, and all the drama, and how nice it was to spend 4 days just with my son, and talking to old friends.  I realized talking to my bff from high school yesterday that I really don’t want to tell anyone else the story.  I am so sick of it, lol.

A number of people have expressed surprise that Betty has not contacted me.  I know I would have, but she probably got all she needed from the blogs.  And she’s only been aware of what was going on for less than 2 weeks.  S always said she didn’t have much to say anyway, so I’m not surprised.  The whole thing had the feel of some stupid high school drama anyway, and I’m glad really, not to have to discuss it with her, though I would have if she felt the need.

I sent A a picture of the tree.  He won’t have one, living in his RV, working on his house.  I know he wishes he was here today, helping me decorate it.  Then I told him I was about to make a plate of left-overs, lol. His response, “God, woman, you are making my mouth water….”

A had been very sweet lately, even though he’s trying to find someone who wants a relationship with him.  He asked me for a pic of me in my bathrobe and jammies this morning, my hair only combed slightly, lol.  He said, “please, that’s when you are the most beautiful, when you wake up.”  He’s seen me wake up twice.  Once at his house, once at mine.  I’m so grateful to have  him in my life.  I can love him a lot from a distance.

I wondered idly at some point today if S remembered last Thanksgiving weekend, when he was complaining he didn’t get any leftovers from his ex-wife, and I showed up on Saturday with enough for he and I to have a meal, and for him to have a couple more.  I remember that as a nice weekend, even though I can’t remember what we did.  Maybe went to the beach, I think he took me to a produce stand near one of the beaches. Doesn’t matter.   I didn’t think about it long, it was just a passing thought. Didn’t make me happy or sad, it was just a memory.

It was a happy, calm, relaxing day.  In fact, the last 4 days have been. I didn’t need an Ambien to sleep last night either. Mellowing out.  Life is good.

The Ordinary, The Mundane

Posted on by learning to live like water

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It’s odd, now that I’ve been out of the relationship drama for over a week, how I have to search for something passionate to write about.  I am sick of writing about that drama.  I am sick of living it over and over.

I’m leaving it behind me.  I leave the two of them to deal with what’s left of the drama.  I feel like I did my job, I got the truth on the table, and whatever happens will be a result of people dealing with the truth in a positive or negative way.  But I no longer am part of it.  Thankfully.

My life is becoming mine again.  What do I want?  What do I want to do?  Who do I want to spend time with? What will I give my sisters and my mother and my son for Christmas?  When will my bff and I make Christmas cookies?  What will my son and I have for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day?

Just the mundane, ordinary, questions of life that involve happiness, family, joy…

A huge sigh of relief.  It was like being in high school again, so immature, so unnecessary, so draining.  It’s over, and life returns.  Back to where I was two years ago, before S ever entered my life.

Happy to live a mundane life for awhile, lol.

 

The Keeper of the Secrets

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a text conversation with S yesterday.  It was not with the intention of getting back together, it was with the intention of not leaving things so ugly.

S is S.  I fell in love with the man I saw last winter, a year ago.  The man who would have me over, we’d talk, eat, listen to music, dance in his living room, watch tv, make love, sleep, spend Sundays as he showed me all the secret beautiful places he knew, while he told me stories. There was always laughter, there was never an argument.

In the spring, he began to withdraw, to want time to himself.  I don’t know if he was afraid he was falling in love, he told me in late winter he was open to whatever developed between us and those two glorious weeks that he gave me will always be some of my best memories.

Then his best friend became really ill, (he was older than S by quite a bit) and died.  With his death it seemed, went S’s joy.  Maybe it was coincidental, that he began to pull away at that exact time.  I just know that’s when it began.  I remember going to his house, and finding him sitting on the couch, bereft.  I just sat with him.  I didn’t know his friend (or anyone else in his life) but I knew there were not too many people he felt close to, and this man had been his friend for 40 years or so.

I would say that’s when the walls went back up.  When he decided that loving someone hurt too  much, and chose to withdraw.

In the conversation with him yesterday, I realized that’s the attraction to her.  She demands nothing of him.  He demands nothing of her.  They don’t talk, there is no deep, loving conversation between them.   I think he can fully justify his real lack of care for her because of what she did. I think their relationship has always been like this, and he says it has, then they have been doing to each other, and paying each other back, for the entire time.  He doesn’t tell her his secrets,and I’m sure she doesn’t either.  I’m not sure what’s between them, at all.  It seemed to me that to be with her, he has to deny who he is.  And I guess he does this in exchange for a silent, literally, partner.

The man I loved would never ever be untrue to who he was.  But I found out yesterday all the secrets he hides from her, including wanting to have sex with me during the week when they are not communicating, including very heavy sexting with me (which I no longer respond to).  She doesn’t play with him during the week as we did. I asked him what the attraction is, because she seems kind of uptight for him.  He said, she doesn’t talk much.

I was not hurt in this conversation.  I realize that the longer it went on, the easier it was to let go.  I don’t even know this man.  I don’t get exchanging a closed mouth for a relationship that leaves you needing to go outside of it to be satisfied.  But I suppose in the same way, he can’t understand wanting a rich close intimate in every way relationship, though we had that for awhile.  I thought he was happy with it.  Until he lost his best friend, and I think decided love hurts too much.

I wouldn’t have hurt him. Ever.  I still love the man I loved.  This new man, I don’t know, and don’t particularly like, though I still see the one I love, buried in there and will never just walk away.  I’ll always be around to talk to him.

I feel like the keeper of his secrets.  I don’t know if I even know them all, but he told me many, quantified that he’d never told anyone else.  I had no judgement of him because of them, they just helped me know him.  I always thought they were the incidents that made him into the man I loved.  He was the sum total of his experiences, and I loved who he was, then.  I remember sitting in his living room, him telling me how bad he was, how could I say I loved him.  I said, “It was all a long time ago.  It made you who you are.  And I see you, I see you completely and I love that person.”

This new guy, who is detached, and self serving, and would get involved with this woman who has no scruples, but doesn’t talk to him, leaving him free to be with whoever he wants during the week…I don’t know him.  He’s not someone I would fall for.  But the one who sat on my deck and we talked about our lives and lessons and philosophy and flirted and bantered back and forth, for hours, I love him, I will always love him.

So when I miss him, I miss the guy I loved.  There’s nothing there for me to miss now, so I can let go.  I have let go.  I will be friends with him, I think he, more than anyone I’ve ever known, needs to have someone consistently love him, but love is a many faceted jewel.  I won’t love him the way I did, but I’ll always love him without judgement, without limit.

I’m going to my niece’s wedding today, and I feel free of that huge burden of rejection, hurt, pain.  I’m not jealous of Betty Boop.  I would NEVER want a relationship like they have. I don’t want the man she has.  My heart is free, two weeks later, to find love again.  I’m happy that I feel this way, especially going to see my family.  I will be able to fully enjoy them, there will be no dark cloud over my head.  I am open, and that’s a huge part of attracting what you want, being open to letting it in.

I’ll be his keeper of secrets.  I’m good with that. I’m still honored to be trusted in that way, and won’t break that trust. (My ability to trust him is another story altogether.)  I’ll always feel tender toward him, because I see him. I’ve always seen him.  That’s probably why he could tell me what he has.  Because, I see him, and love that being in his center, just because he exists.  Even though he’s locked up right now.

In Other News…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Lovely evening. Sitting outside on my deck with a glass of wine. I am dead tired tonight, I couldn’t get to sleep til about 3 am, despite having taken 2 Ambien. I shouldn’t have answered the phone but the voice mail was a little scary, so I did. As usual, the conversation went nowhere, I hope I don’t have to do it again. I can’t do this stuff anymore. Too f’n old for this drama.

I realize I’ve not written much else than my issues with S this week, and I actually have some other pressing kind of stuff, that I’d like to put a voice to.

First, I lost one of my best friends from childhood this week to cancer. She was the sweetest, most loving person ever. She couldn’t say a bad word about someone ever. Just warm, loving, always made you feel good about yourself. As children we lived about a block and a half apart, and used to walk to school together. You know how those friendships often go, you are friends as small children, but tend to grow apart. Suzi and I never grew apart. We remained really really close until I went to college, got involved with my ex husband, and did too much dope smoking. But over the years a few times Suzi reached out to me, like a warm embrace welcoming me back home. When my marriage was at it’s worst, and I had basically no friends left, because my ex didn’t like any of my friends, and it became easier to let them go than deal with him, she found me after a couple decades of silence. I just cried, I was so happy to have someone reach out to me with love. We kept in contact off and on, and then last summer reconnected in person when I went to my 45th high school reunion. Suzi was one of the organizers, generally the photographer. I saw her and noticed she was wearing a wig, and was quite thin. I mentioned it to the friends I was staying with, but they didn’t know anything.

Yesterday at lunch, her best friend, who was also a good friend of mine in school, messaged me to let me know. I sat in my car and cried. Still do, when I think of the world without her.

Then my mother….aye yi yi. She’s 94 and suffered a massive stroke which left her unable to communicate, and partially paralyzed. I thought she was doing pretty well when I was down there 3 weeks ago. She was walking well, talking better. Her health, outside of the effects of the stroke, is good. But apparently last week, while I was in the panic over S’s silence and disappearance, my mother decided to leave the assisted living place she’s been in. She got about a block away before they noticed it. She walks very very slowly, with a walker. They told my sis that she kept taking her pictures down and packing her suitcase.

We thought she must have a urinary infection, which causes confusion in the elderly. But regardless, she had to be moved to a higher care facility once she left the premises. Turns out she had no infection, but we assume was communicating in the only way she knew how that she was unhappy there. And I’m sure it’s because she was left alone all day, if you can imagine being alone all day, unable to communicate. But I wish she’d understood the consequences of her actions, because now she is in a memory care facility. Smaller, which is good. And it’s nice and clean, and my sister knew the place, and had been there, and liked it. But…the doors are locked. Mom can’t go outside. They told my sis, who is down there at the moment, that she walks around all day looking for an open door. She doesn’t like her room. And is now even more unhappy.

My sis can’t bring her home now, because for one thing my sis is at her VA home, not in FL. And her daughter is getting married in a few months, in VA. And, my sis has been that route. Mom requires help with everything….it’s a full time 24/7 job and almost did my sister and her marriage in to take care of Mom for 6 months.

But it’s breaking our hearts.

I wish I could just sell my house and move down there. If I could do that, I’d be able to help my sis take care of her, and we could bring her home. I’m going to finish getting the house ready and get it on the market in the fall. It probably won’t sell, that’s not a good time to sell a house up here, but I can try, and see what interest is generated. And then if I do by some miracle sell it, I will be able to help my sis and we can make Mom’s life at least pleasant for the time she has left.

I’m looking so forward to the three day weekend. Going to go to my boat slip tomorrow and collect some money for the rental of it. It always does me good to go there, by the ocean. I may spend the afternoon hanging out somewhere down there. Maybe I’ll run into some old boating friends. One of my best friends texted me late today and invited me to spend 4th of July with she and her husband on their boat. I was so happy and excited. I told her, I was feeling a little down because I didn’t have any plans for the weekednd, and now I have plans to do my favorite thing in the world, spend it on the water.

Guess the universe was conspiring in my behalf, lol.

So….lots of stuff going on, and when I sit here with a glass of wine, I think that a breakup should not be the thing on the top of my list to be focusing my attention on. I am praying for a peaceful night, a good night’s sleep, some time to regenerate some nerve cells, lol. I was on my last one tenth of a nerve and that got frayed pretty well last night. Now, at the end of the day, I may have a few more that are working again.

Well, time to go inside, the mosquitos are coming out and I guess they’re hungry, because they are eating me up, despite the mean old woman I am, lol.

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

The Psychic/Angel Reading

Posted on by learning to live like water

So, I had my psychic reading. It was pretty amazing, and I’d totally do it again.

The medium started out telling me I had two native American guides behind me, (I think that means they kind of have your back…) one male one female. The first thing she did was tell me their advice on something very personal, which I’m not going to put here, but it was lengthy, on target, out of the blue, and believeable. Then she said, “I’m hearing a lot about Florida…”

OMG, my two friends and I jumped! That is so the focus of my life right now. Trying to get my house ready to sell, planning to move to Florida. Hoping my mother will still be around when I do, being near my sister, never ever having to deal with a New England winter again.

She said, “they say it will be a really good thing for you. They say it will offer you many opportunities, and you can choose any or all of them. And it will be easier for you financially there….” It was pretty amazing. She knew nothing about me except my name before this.

Then she had a female presence, over me, which means older than me. She asked if my mother was alive and since she is, we determined this was her mother. She said, “She says she was a good cook, loved to cook from scratch, grow her own vegetables, etc. But never got to pass that information on to your mother or you.” I said, “Because she died when my mother was 4 years old.” Now, considering my mom was born in 1921, this makes my grandmother’s death in 1925, living on an Indiana farm, of course she made everything from scratch and grew her own stuff. The medium said, “She said she didn’t want to leave your mother so young, but that it was part of both of their journeys. It made your mother strong, and able to deal with so many things in her life..” She suggested I pass that along to my mother, and I might when I see her again. I will have to decide if it would be well-receive by my mom, but since it is something her mother asked me to do, I probably will.

Which is what my sisters and I have always said, that Mom is able to adjust to any situation with such grace. Obviously, the one she faces now the hardest, not being able to communicate and being partially paralyzed resulting in the loss of so much of her prized independence. But I do believe that because of her mothers death so young, and subsequently living with a variety of aunts and uncles, that she learned how to adjust to different living situations, and to make friends and make people love her. Because everyone loves her.

The medium said she was showing her two faces, identical…did I look like my mother? No….My mother looked just like her mother. The medium said, “It seems as if it was close enough that people remarked on it.” Oh yes, in fact, it caused problems with my mothers older sister, because everyone commented on how much mom looked like my grandmother, and never mentioned her older sis, who as I understand it, was quite jealous of the fact and the attention it brought Mom.

It was pretty cool to have a communication with my grandmother that I never met. And to know she is with me.

Then she had a male presence which was undoubtedly my father. First off, she had advice on the same personal situation as the native American guides, which validated that it was my father, because it was exactly what he would say to me, lol.

Then the medium said, “I hear someone yelling ‘Fore!!!’ Did your father play golf?” OMG, I jumped, the hair stood up on my arms. “Yes,” I answered. “Every moment that he could.” He once got a hole in one, I think it was his proudest moment next to the birth of his 3 daughters.

She asked if he was part of a group of men, like a club or something because he was with these men and was happy… I could only think of the Air Force, he was in the reserves til a few years before he died in 1988.

It was wonderful to hear from him, she told me how he loves me and is with me. These things I knew, he always made sure we knew he loved us, and I have always known he was with me.

She asked who did the Ancestry.com thing. That is my older sister…she was able to put together about a 4 page family tree. The medium said, “but I hear that you weren’t able to have those family discussions where 3 or 4 generations sit around passing along family stories…” And this was so true. I said, “no, we weren’t but we’ve gotten my mother to write down a lot of her life, and to tag all the photos we can find.” The medium said that there are legacy writers now, who interview elders and then turn their stories into books for them.

Which I think was maybe a message for me about the writing, maybe in conjunction with my 2 sisters, since we all share a love of writing, particularly my older sis and I. I spoke to my sis about it yesterday, that maybe when I move down to Florida, we could collaborate. Just throwing the idea out but she was receptive.

The medium also told us in the beginning that some messages are meant for more than one of us. At one point, she was asking another woman about someone in her family who had a name like a flower, a young person. The woman nodded but didn’t really respond as if she knew exactly who she was talking about. But I think it was meant more for me. My niece who died in a car accident 10 years ago when she was 24….her name was Aster. I had been hoping she’d show up and I think she did. I should have spoken up…I didn’t because it wasn’t my reading, but in hindsight I should have. Next time I will.

So…it was pretty amazing, satisfying, good for my soul. I have no doubt that my loved ones were there, or my guides (how else did she know about Florida??). Looking forward to doing it again sometime.

Counting My Blessings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sitting out on my deck, having coffee outside this morning. It’s my first time this season.  It’s where I spend my hour to myself every morning when it’s warm enough.  It’s not really warm out yet, it’s ony 50°F, but I have a blanket around my shoulders and the sun is warm on my back.  There are few clouds in the brilliant blue early morning sky.  It promises to be a beautiful day.
There are a few things on my mind this morning.  I did a gratitude meditation, and have so much to be thankful for.  For one, that I have this place to sit and have my coffee.  That my health, while I am diabetic, and arthritic, is actually pretty good.  The diabetes is well controlled, the arthritis seems to be improving as of late.  It is really only in my hands that I have an issue with it.  I haven’t had as much as a cold in maybe a year, and even then, the last cold I had was very minor. So I say, I am blessed with good health.  Nothing that affects my quality of life.
I am grateful for my family.  My son who is doing remarkably well, is healthy, strong.  He has found his niche I think, and is making something of his life.  I’ve worked hard with him to overcome the affects of growing up in an abusive dysfunctional household, and he seems to be emotionally mature.  I am proud of him.  And grateful.
I’m grateful for my two sisters, and my mother.  We have always all been very close, even though we live at great distances from each other. My mother’s stroke, which has left her partially paralzyed and unable to communicate, has stressed and tested the bonds between my sisters and I, but we have always had our base in love and care, and when things get tough, we return to it, for comfort and love.
I am grateful for the presence of S in my life.  He has added a dimension to the joy in my life that seems to balance it.
I am grateful for my family of friends.  Last night I went with a friend to a high school play to see another friend”s daughter.   We got to the high school close to starting time, because we had waited to watch the Kentucky Derby before we went.  The friend whose daughter was in the play greeted us  at the door.  “Go down to the 4th row,” she said.  “You’ll see everyone, there are seats there for you.”  And there in the 4th row were more of our friends, and some of her family, who I am also close to.  I love being part of a group of people who have been best friends for 10 or 15 yars. Blessed.  Just blessed.
I ran into my old next door neighbor at the play.  I knew my old house had been sold in a foreclosure sale.  I am concerned about what my ex will do,he has lived there almost 40 years now.  He does not adapt to change well,which really is the crux of why he lost the home. I also know that he blames me for it all, (because if I hadn’t left him, and he hadn’t had to give me a settlement….yada yada yada) and so I am not in a position to call him and see how he is, what his plans are, to ease my mind that he will recover from this.  I know he is devastated, but I don’t want to be at the receiving end of his anger again, at least, not face to face.  He is probably going to lose his business too.
Truth be told, if I hadn’t left him, and then our son, he would most likely still be drinking, and would have gone through all the money he had to give me, (since he already went through much more money than the amount awarded me) and we would all be facing homelessness.  My being there, working with him was just a form of enablement.
But it’s sad, to see someone with whom you shared so much of your life, get to such a state.  Knowing that there was a time when he, we, could have had everything we ever wanted  Ego and greed and fear destroyed his life.  I pray that someday he’ll see the real reasons why his life unfolded as it did.
But this morning, I turn to gratitude.  That some light shone on me, and I have been able to create a joyful life.  Family, friends, a man who I thoroughly enjoy who boggles my imagination every time I’m with him, a home, a life.  I am blessed.
I can’t remember who said it, but some one said, “If you only have one prayer, let it be Thank you.”  This morning it is Thank you.

My Greatest Gift

Posted on by learning to live like water

I booked tickets to go to Florida for a few days.  Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?  Out of the deep freeze to sunny Florida for a few days of warmth. And while it is….it isn’t a pleasure trip.

My mom had a stroke last fall, massive, at the age of 93.  And she lived through it, but cannot talk, read or write, which is hard enough.  She needs full time care, which my older sister is lovingly giving her.  But we all know Mom is ready to go.  She eats little, sleeps a lot.  She is still her pleasant happy self, as happy as she can be in the state she is in.  I am happy that she is surrounded by people who love her.

Yesterday my sis texted me that she thought I should plan to head down there in a couple of weeks, so I can say goodbye, and see her again before she goes on that mysterious journey.  I am going, of course.

I have known for some time that anytime I see her could be the last.  I don’t feel like anything has been left unsaid with her, but of course, to get one more hug from her, to hear her say “I love you” one more time will be wonderful.  (She can say “I love you” because she doesn’t have to think about it.)  She is a wonderful mother, as loving and kind as you can imagine.

She is also a remarkable woman.  Her own mother died when she was 4, in 1925.  While her father traveled from town to town looking for work, she lived with a variety of aunts and uncles.  She always said she missed her mother, but she never felt alone because she was part of such a large extended family.  They were kind to her and her sister.

My mother went on to work her way through college, got a degree in economics, and met and married my father, to whom she was married for 45 years, until he died when he was 68.

While she and my father gave me and my sisters many gifts…of the intangible kind….the greatest gift they gave us was the gift of unconditional love.  Both of them loved us without condition.  Neither my sisters or I ever went to bed wonderingst if our parents loved us.  Love ruled our house.  We took it for granted, which is how it should be.  No child should ever question whether his parents love him.  Every child should be loved by their family just because they exist.

This is how a child learns that they have intrinsic value, just because they are.  It is their rock to stand on, it empowers them for life.  It allows them to set boundaries on how they are treated.  If someone treats them badly, they don’t believe they deserve it.  They know it’s wrong.  They also learn that every life has value.

I have known, intimately, a couple of people who grew up without this.  Their road is so much harder.  They can find it, they can eventually come to the conclusion that they DO have value, but the journey there is harder, longer, generally more fraught with pitfalls and potholes.

As I go on this journey to Florida, I will try somehow to let my mother know that I know.  That I also love her unconditionally because she exists.  And that I am so, ever so grateful, that she was my mother in this lifetime.  Of all the blessings I have been given, and they are many, this is one of my greatest.

Go in peace Mom, whenever you are ready.  I know you will never be far from me.  We’ll meet up again, in that place where there is no time and space.

I love you.