Tag Archives: friends

All Good Things

Posted on by learning to live like water

So starts a new week. It’s suppose to be warmer this week, more normal spring temps. And sunnier. I’m excited about it. Shafts of sunlight are beginning to poke holes in the clouds.

I have a short work week this week, because my friend who lives in the Adirondack Mtns is coming to visit me for a few days. She’s coming Thursday, until Sunday or maybe Monday morning. I’m taking her to a gong bath Thursday night. Friday I’m going to take her to some incredible greeenhouses, full of tropical plants. It’s a place S took me on the last excursion we ever took, before she came back into his life. It’s got a 200 year old lemon tree in it, it has all kind of tropical plants. It is like walking into Jumanji. The plants are all over the place, on the ceiling, up the walls. It is warm, it smells like heaven. There are paths through the plants. They sell the plants but many people just go there to see them. They also have a huge herbal green house. My friend is an avid gardner, I know she will love it. It’s called Logees, and they have a great website and will ship plants everywhere, if you want to google them. We will get lunch somewhere along the way. Saturday we’re going to Newport. Not sure what she might want to do there, maybe see a mansion or two, maybe to the cliff walk past all the mansions if its a nice day. Maybe just shop, eat. It’s always fun, and beautiful there.

I’m really excited about all of it. Only working 3 days, seeing my friend, all the things we’re going to do.

I have a showing on my house today, so keeping my fingers crossed that they like the house better than the last people did. Have I mentioned that I am so ready to be living in Florida? LOL. My sis is going to the house today with a friend of hers. She’s going to get some more measurements for me, and check to make sure all the utilities are on. Probably wants to get lunch at our favorite sandwich shop there too, lol. She loves my little community.

Wishing all good things for all people today. The Buddhist Matta prayer…Love and light, all.

buddhist matta prayer

Saturday

Posted on by learning to live like water

musings

Whew! I slept 7 hours, feeling better this morning.

Until I realized that my lawn needs mowing, and my son was off yesterday and could have done it but I didn’t even think to tell him. Of course, he doesn’t think of things like that, on his own, ever. He’s working all weekend, so I guess it’s up to me to get it done.

And of course, I’ve been wasting time, sitting here all morning, perusing the dating site for kicks. Wasting time because there’s no one there, lol, and I’m moving so what would be the point? I guess I just wanted to play “imagine that” because I miss male energy in my life. Pretty pathetic.

And then reading, on my WP reader. Which is way more productive and interesting than a bunch of pictures of men I don’t know, probably half of whom are scammers, lol. I have had so little time to read blogs in the last couple of weeks. Work, write, go to bed. Repeat. That’s been my life. And clean the house.

Which I have to do again today.

It’s a little frustrating to be keeping the house “show ready” and have no showings. And scary. I’ve been on the market a week, and no one’s come to see it. I emailed the realtor, asking if I should be concerned. But then again, I don’t want to sell it quickly and be closing in the middle of June, but need some showings, just to keep my spirits up.

I guess I wrote the Scott stuff out of my systems last night. Today I don’t give a shit. LOL. Good. Glad. Not missing the misery he brings with him everywhere he goes. I was just tired last night. It’s easy to revert to old behaviors and feelings when you’re exhausted.

Haven’t decided if I’m going to my friends bonfire tonight. I can’t drink. Even though my stomach thing seems better this morning, I would not take a chance of drinking and killing off all the bacteria in my stomach again. Plus there is this cold kind of feeling hanging around the edges of my health. Not a cold but it wouldn’t take much to become one. I guess I’ll figure it out when I’m done with the lawn. And cleaning the house. And maybe running to the dump. If I go, I’ll have to make some food to take. So will need to add that to my list.

I think I’ll be tired, again….

Might be better off calling my friend in Florida and catching up with her. Or Montana. Or Iowa. Sitting in my jammies and relaxing.

I can’t wait to be sitting on my deck in Florida (or here for that matter) writing, feeling the warm breezes. Smelling the salt air. And be done with all this stress of buying and selling and moving. Back to just living. Creating. Dreaming the good dream.

In proof-reading this blog, I wonder why I feel compelled to chronicle my life here.  I mean really?  It’s not like anyone needs to know how I will spend my Saturday, lol.  I think it’s just a way of organizing my life, and then making myself accountable, because if I write it here, I feel more of an obligation to actually get done what I say I will.

I guess I should go get dressed, get this day underway. Get a little closer to Florida.  The picture at the top is because I am….still…a hippie, (despite someone saying I was not, because I didn’t “live the life” on his terms) and because sunflowers are my favorite flower.

Love and light.

Promise of the Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.

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I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.

You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.

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The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.

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Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.

When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.

Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.

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Florida Calling

Posted on by learning to live like water

Anna Maria

Just as I was heading for bed I got a call last night from another of my high school friends who lives in Florida.  She lives in Daytona.  She’s a riot.  Anyway, she is going to drive across the state, about 3 hours, when I come down to spend time with me and my other friend.  The three of us were all best friends in high school, still are really close.  We’ll be missing a couple of our crowd, but when I get moved down there, we can have an honest reunion with everyone.  The three of us are going to have a blast.  I can’t wait!

I’ll meet with a realtor for part of one day, then hang out with them for the rest of that day and the next.  We’ll go somewhere and listen to the friend who lives there sing, and have a few drinks.  Maybe meet some hot musicians, lol!  I think this trip will do a lot to take me away from the bs that’s been occupying way too much of my headspace, not to mention heartspace, up here.

Like I say, good things are falling into place.

I haven’t heard about how the people liked the pics of my house that were interested.  So I’ll text her today and see what they had to say.

How lucky am I to have close friends I have known for 50 years?  And to have them here that I’ve known for 20, whose kids grew up with mine?  ??!!  It’s awesome.

Feeling very blessed this morning.  Love and light, all.

 

Getting to the Other Side

Posted on by learning to live like water

NewLife

I got so much done on my house yesterday.  I think one more weekend and it will at least be ready for these people who are interested to see it.  My son promises to go at his space today, and it’s by far in the worst space in the house.  I just have the bathrooms and the garage to do.   Even if these people don’t end up buying the house, at least it will be ready to put on the market, pretty much, when I get back from Florida.  I will need to paint the deck, but I don’t think I can do that until the days are longer and warmer.  End of April maybe.  I’m going to hire someone to come in and get the yard in good shape, cut back the shrubs, etc.

I had so much fun talking to my friend in Florida last night. Old friends are so wonderful to have.  I haven’t talked to her, except FB messenger, for a long long time, but we know each other so well, we just pick up where we left off.  I just love her to death.  She’s just one of those people who never allows anything to take her joy of living from her.  I can’t wait to see her.  Having her there, where I want to live will be like instant immersion into that life.

Which will move me at light speed  away from this one, lol.  It’s time, really.  Definitely time.  It’s funny, I have had the plan to move to Florida since before I met S.  The relationship with him did not deter it.  It has always been there.  It could have worked out in many different ways, either for us, or for me.  If he had wanted a relationship, and to retire, we could have shared each other’s homes, had a place to go in the winter in Florida, a place here in New England in the summer.  And kept our independence, both owning a home.  We could have just visited each other. It turns out it became my escape route, from the devastation he wrought on my life for a time.  I’m so glad it’s one dream I never gave up.

I think at times, well he wanted a relationship, just not with me.  But then, did he want one with her, really?  If he did, why did he do what he did, knowing it would kill it.  And if it wasn’t dead, then spending January with me, certainly didn’t help breathe life back into it.  It’s not my problem any longer though.  I look so forward to loving a man who knows what he wants, and who doesn’t engage in self-destructive behaviors constantly.  There is another side of life, and I intend to experience it fully. 🙂

Lovely to have slept a good night’s sleep last night.  Today is supposed to be warm, at least warm enough to go to the cove for lunch.  It’s been so long, I am looking forward to it.

Off for my 2nd cup of coffee…..Love and light, all.

 

Florida Dreams

Posted on by learning to live like water

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Sunrise from the town dock

I got my dates to go visit my sis in Florida.  I’m going the week of March 7 and for about a week, which is the longest I’ve ever gone!  I’m very excited about it.  I have a couple of neighborhoods I want to scope out while I’m there.  But balmy breezes, sunrises on the town dock, (the picture above is one I took of one of the more stunning sunrises there), walking the beach of the Gulf of Mexico every morning.  Even the call of the peacocks is beautiful to me.

It will be so cool to live close to my sister.  I have never in my adult life lived close to any of my family.  None of us have, my sisters and I have always been spread out across the country.

The idea of moving is overwhelming though.  To get the house ready to sell, to put it on the market, to figure out how to get all my stuff down there, and my cat, and then I’ll have to store it until I find the house I want.  The logistics of giving notice at work, to coincide with closing on my house when it sells, and moving into a temporary place while I look for somewhere permanent.  I will be unsettled for awhile.

But with the beach close, I should be able to stay grounded, lol.

I will also miss my friends so much.  That’s the hardest thing to leave, is the wonderful people I have here.  I’ve lived in the same small town since 1978. My son has spent all 23 of his years here.  I think all of my friends are parents of kids he hung out with, played baseball or hockey with.  The blessing is though, I know they will all come to see me, and I know I can come up here and stay with them.  I’ll like that.

I was driving home one night thinking, “It will be a long time down there, before you can drive around knowing exactly where you are without even thinking about it.”  But that’s ok, I know I’ll have the path to the beach memorized soon enough when I get settled!

What I’m looking forward to the most is not working.  Getting up and writing until I’m done, making jewelry, maybe learning something new. I hope I can find a house with a space for me to be creative, because even though I am very right-brained as it is, I intend for that part of my brain to run free when I don’t have to work!!  You never know what might come out of it.

I hope I can find a spiritual community.  I know the gong baths will be probably non-existent, but if I can find a meditation group, maybe even one that has sound healing, that will ease the moving stress.

Time for me to go check flights!  Have a good day, everyone.  Love and light.IMG_0787

Who Will Walk Through The Fire With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a friends house for dinner and a bottle of wine.  We were gonna go out but changed our minds.  It was really nice to just sit with two people who love each other, and love me, as a close close friend.  My friend and I went off to gab girl talk.  She’s a psychiatric nurse,and had some insight on my week’s struggles.  We are close, been friends for years.  Our kids met in the 5th grade, about 15 years ago, we have been friends since.  She’s one of the members of my book club.

We somehow got onto sexuality, probably in discussing my recently ended relationship.  I told her I dived into sex too early, with S, and it was nice to have someone I could consider a partner in it.  So, it was part of the attachment problem for me, because they go hand in hand for me, sex and attachment.  I guess S enjoyed it…he told me a few times it was the best he ever had.   And trust me, he had had many sexual partners. He did tell me I was overconfident, lol, but was laughing when he said it.  So…my friend wanted to know what I did to make it the best, lol.  I said, I loved him.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she loves her husband very much and they are best friends.  She would just like  him  to feel that way, like it was the best.  I was able to talk to her, about being with S, without pain.

So I am good tonight.  I know I won’t get blindsided by my past tonight.  I can’t imagine it would be important enough for S to make a trip up here, to convince me he didn’t do anything wrong, so I am pretty sure I’m in the clear. It’s nice to feel good, in control of my life, and not scattered, not 1000 threads of my life scattered in different directions, trying to grasp something to hold onto.

I’ve been reading Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  It’s about being able to get up, strongly, when you are knocked out for the count by someone.  Because as she says, if you’re gonna be vulnerable, which is a strength, because it’s the birthplace of creativity, joy, love, and worthiness, and belonging, then you are gonna get knocked down.  And it’s all about our ability to rise from the floor, strong.

She teaches looking at a problem in 3 acts…the definition of the issue, the action in which the issue is addressed, and the final resolution, where all things come together, to make you stronger, smarter, and learn a lesson. She says we forget the second act.  We want to brush over our struggles, our battles to work ourselves out of pain, heartache, anger., whatever the emotion is that you are struggling with.  But really that struggle is where it’s at.  That’s where we learn, where we become strong.

So, I am slugging it out with heartache, the second act, but tonight I’m winning.  I am seeing clearly here.  I am not a pile of mush, I am actually happy tonight.  I had dinner with people I love and who love me.  I had texted with my dear friend A.  My girlfriend asked me if I am not leading him on, but no.  A is a good good friend.  I can tell him everything and anything.  He knows exactly how I felt about S.  We have talked about our own chemistry, our own relationship, nothing held back. There are no secrets.  We flirt on occasionally, in the morning, when I’m getting ready for work and we are texting.  He tells me he loves me, still.  I have said it to him.  Because he’s willing to walk through the fire with me, to make sure I’m not alone.  How could I not love him?  I am really blessed.

I see, now, that S would never walk through the fire with me, or for me.  He would have not even held out his hand to me.  It’s whatever, I don’t care tonight. The passion I have had for him is waning. I’m grateful there are people in my life that would walk through the fire with me, for me.  I would have done it for S, I would do it for A.  And my family of friends here.

There is no reason to be morose.  My life is rich and full, and I am blessed.

Sundogs and Gongs

Posted on by learning to live like water


It’s a beautiful morning this morning.  Cool, not cold, the leaves are beginning to turn in earnest, and the sunrise painted the sky.  (I took the pic from my deck at about 6:30).  Promises to be a good day.

I went to a gong bath last night.  It was really good to see my old friend.  She had such a struggle in the past years, but has come out on the other side whole, with even more compassion than ever, more love than ever. The energy in the room was calm, healing. She has done some interesting things since she recovered from her cancer and her long time (20+ years) ended.  She told me she used to ask herself why all this happened to her, and really struggled with it.  She came to the conclusion she may never know and she’s no longer asking.  I smiled at her and said, “You always used to tell me I didn’t need to know….”  And she laughed, because she walked through a lot of my divorce/custody stuff with me.  She was not a close close friend, but was kind of a spiritual adviser.  Through her I found the gongs, found meditation, found a path that has worked for me.

The gongs worked their magic.  I went to purposefully try to make some sense, in my heart, of my relationship with S.  I think I was able to do that, though it will probably take some time to settle out.  When it was over, I realized my eyes and eyelashes were moist  I had not known that I had been crying at all.  I felt kind of drained….but knew that that feeling would not stay, I knew that it was just emotions being released, and replaced, and acknowledged.

Yesterday I saw two sundogs….once on the way to work, once while I was at lunch.  I was texting with S, and the conversation ended badly.  He seemed angry, I was frustrated.  During that conversation I saw the second sun dog.  They have always been a good sign for me, a sign that everything will be ok.  That there is a greater power, that can do miraculous things like put an aura around the sun, and that the world is indeed unfolding as it should.  (In case you have never seen one, this is a google pic.  I only saw one, the one to the right of the sun.  It showed as a sideways rainbow, with a glowing spot in the middle.)

As I said to my friend…we don’t have to know why, just accept enjoy the fact that they exist.  Accept and enjoy our lives.  When one door closes another will really open, the universe is conspiring to bring us what we ask for.

My prayer has always been that I would know the love of a good man before I die.  I still believe that is coming toward me. I’m guessing that things not working out with S, if they don’t, has been so that I have room in my heart for the right man when he shows up.  And that maybe I’ll be able to recognize him when he does.  I still will always love S, but I know I can let go of any dream I had that he was the one.

Anyway, I’m not sure the story with S is fully written.  I’ll just see what happens, and follow my intuition and my heart.  I’ll continue doing those things that make me stronger, meditating, gong baths, connecting with people, writing, being creative, taking care of my house, celebrating that I have a rich full life.

All in a Day’s Work

Posted on by learning to live like water

Back to work…which went just about as I thought it would.  1001 emails, literally. And really, only 1001 because a co-worker waded through some of the junk for me.  Piles of papers all over my desk, each person left their own pile, lol.  Crazy, but I tread water all day, and stayed above the surface.

However, with the perfect timing only the universe can achieve, I walked into the office and had not even made it to my desk when my son called to tell me something happened to the AC, and water was spraying around the basement.  He shut it off, but it still sprayed so he shut off the furnace.

Let me add that the temperature was 95° F today.

It seemed to be a return line on a pump for the central air that a fitting broke on.  I called the furnace people, since the pump said it was for use on furnaces.  Made no sense to me.  But I scheduled them to come out tomorrow morning.  For a $100 diagnostic fee and then the cost of repair.  I’m thinking $300. And no AC tonight, meaning I probably would get very little sleep.

Then I texted my best friends husband and asked him what he thought it would cost me.  He said $140 plus labor.  But that he thought he had the fitting, and would come over tonight and see if it was the right one.  So….when I got home at 7:45 he came over and it took him less than 10 minutes to save me $300.

That’s a good friend.  This man is like a brother to me.  He’s fixed my snowblower twice, he came over with a chainsaw after a storm and cut out my broken shrubs. This is why I say I am blessed.  I have loving family, and loving friends that treat me like family.

At the end of the day, my house is cooling down.  All in a day’s work.

A Rich, Full Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m still on vacation until Monday morning  I had a lovely day today.  My son and I went to Newport, RI basically for lunch.  We didn’t want to spend a lot of money, so didn’t do much shopping, But we walked around, we both enjoy just being near the water.  We talked about his plans to move next summer, a little about mine.  Talked about the music festivals he’s going to.  He drove, I paid, lol.  It was a perfect summer day, just perfect.

I am having the carpal tunnel surgery 2 weeks from tomorrow.  My arm is so much better since I have been on vacation and can baby it.  Not looking forward to going back to work next week, for that reason (that I can’t baby it there) and for a lot of other reasons.

My son had planned to take the whole day off, so he could take me and stay with me at home after.  But hes switching jobs (after being at his job 4 years) and the new job is assistant manager for a brand new store, which has it’s grand opening the day of my surgery.  I can’t get the time for surgery til the afternoon before.  So I called the dr’s office today and explained the situation.  She said the latest I would go would be 10 and I’d be home by 1.  I think at that point he can go to work, I can get a friend to sit with me for the afternoon.  The woman at the dr’s office said she will call the surgery center and ask them to schedule me first, which means I would need to be there between 6 and 7 AM but would be home by 10.  So, it was all a relief to know that he could still take me and bring me  home and not have to worry about it.

Next Saturday I get new carpeting in my family room.  I’m pretty excited about that!

This Saturday I have a graduation party for my best friend’s daughter.  My friend asked me to make an appetizer and a dessert.  So I’ll need to get on that tomorrow.  I’ve got a few ideas.  The party will be fun, probably about 60 people.  I’m looking forward to it.

These are all small little moments.  My life seems to be full of them, and so all I can say is life is good.  I am very blessed to have such a great kid, and such good friends.  A rich full life.