Tag Archives: love

Love on the In Breath

Posted on by learning to live like water

So Hum, the ancient mantra.  Meaning simply, I am.  Simply?  Maybe not so simply?  I Am is God’s name, they say.  I am that I am.  And so, on this spiritual journey we are taught never to put words after I AM that God couldn’t be.

It’s hard, to remember this.  To remember that I Am worthy, to remember not to say I am not deserving.  I Am beautiful, not to say I am ugly.  I Am lovable, not to say I am only deserving others disdain.

I do my morning meditation almost every day, beginning with So Hum.  Breathe in love on the in breath with So, breathe out all that no longer serves on the out breath with Hum.  Every day, clean house, every day lift your level of consciousness to let go of old useless ideas, and allow more love in your life.

Love without condition. Loving someone, everyone, without knowledge or care if they love you back. Is that hard?  Yes, at times.  But the part that is hard needs to be uncovered, and let go on the out breath with Hum.

I am relearning this…to love without condition.  Why would anyone need to meet my measure of worthiness to be loved?  They need to meet their own.  I need to allow people to be, to find their own level of happiness, and be themselves.  In fact, I only need to find MY own level, and stay out of other people’s business.  If someone chooses to include me intimately in their life, then i can choose whether or not that serves me.  I am finding it is not the other way around though.  Just because I may choose to include someone in my life, i have to accept that it may not serve them.  At least in the present moment.

But I find love has a way, when it is truly given without condition, of bringing those that we most want in our lives to us.  It is human nature to go where the real love is, the easy love, the love that says, “You are valuable, just because you exist.”  It is fearless love, because it doesn’t need to know the outcome, it is willing to take the risk, it is willing to open it’s arms and say, “Here with me, be yourself.  I will love you. I will hold you when you need it, I will let go and let you fly if that is what serves you.”

I learned this when my son lived with his father, when I had very limited contact with him.  I suppose I always knew it was the truth, I always believed that love without condition would open a pathway for him to travel.  It did, he was able to find it and travel it, out of the dark murkiness of abuse, he followed a light that may have been faint at first, but steady. And  he found his way.

Life is for loving, as Deepak Chopra said, in my morning meditation, our inherent nature is love.

So Hum.  Always, love on the in breath.  You will never run out.,

Bittersweet

Posted on by learning to live like water

Bittersweet.  .To love someone so much and be on such opposite sides of the fence. Places on the fence are broken, and there we can come together and touch each other’s lives.  Other places it’s set in concrete, and we cannot cross the barrier between us.

I texted with  him yesterday.  I tried to give clarity, but was unsuccessful, and just made him mad.  Then, later, we texted, and made each other laugh, until a moment became too poignant, and we just had to stop.

Night and day, truly what we are right now.  But it’s what it has to be, for personal growth.

I miss him, but I’m ok.

Packing my bags, Gonna make good use of the time.

Looking for Honesty

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I missed S, to the point that it hurt.  I miss the laughter, the feeling of being tuned in to him.  I don’t even know for sure that I was, but it felt like it.  Anyway, I sent him a text telling him that I missed  him.  Also that I don’t think that changes anything, but that I just wanted him to know I missed  him.  I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, my heart is always on my sleeve, and I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted make sure he knew where I was at, that I didn’t just, and can’t just, boot him out of my life callously.  I still, and I’m sure always will, love the man that he is.

It doesn’t change anything.  Missing him does not mean I want to go to bed with him and have him leave in the morning, or a few hours later, it doesn’t mean that I give up my desire for a whole relationship, it just means that I miss S, the man that he is, having  him in my life regularly.

This morning this brought me to thoughts about A.  I realize I am just trying to put a bandaid over the missing of S, the wound that can still bleed from time to time.  I am not ready to be intimately involved with anyone, and I am going to tell A this. That while I love him and appreciate him as a close supportive friend, I am not comfortable with the level of intimacy that he wants, that I see coming in the last few days, and that I have gone along with, because I was lonely.  I can’t allow myself to be that lonely, I can’t allow myself to use A to fill someone else’s space in my head or my heart.

Tomorrow I go to upstate NY for a few days.  I intend to do some soul searching there,, and find the right words for A.  Then I intend to get back to the healing process, of letting S go.  I hope so much that S feels free, that he is feeling like he is free to go and find what he wants.  Who knows, he may find someone else, he may find that he wants me.  But I don’t want him to be with me by default, any more than I want to be with A just because he’s available to me and loves me.

I still feel a connection with S.  I also know that he has a lot of his own work to do.  He survived cancer, he survived a break up that was painful for him.  He is ready, chronologically to retire, but has no plans because he doesn’t know what he wants to do.  I have to respect that, I have to let him go figure it out.  I am wary of being “just friends” with him, because it always immediately turns sexual, and that means different things to each of us.  For me it always will come with attachment, and that’s exactly what he doesn’t want.  And I don’t want it without attachment.

I don’t feel as pained this morning.  I am able to sit with it, and let whatever comes come, and go.  I need to deal with A soon though, I feel dishonest with him.  And I hate dishonesty.

Here’s to a better day today.  I’ve had no response from S to my text.  I unblocked him, I don’t know i I should have, but I did. Going with my gut on that, not overthinking it.  Maybe I’m ready to talk now, maybe I should talk to him before I go away.  IdK.  I will leave it be for now.

I feel like some resolution to some of my stuff is bubbling up, and that’s a good thing. Mostly, right now, I am searching for honesty, from myself the most, regarding both of these men.

UPDATE:  I told a this morning. I’m never been able to put off an unpleasant task I need to get them over with.  It turns out he’s fine with it.  He thought he was maybe going to come east and would come see me for a couple of days but his plans have changed anyway. And seriously all he’s looking for is the same thing S is, friends with intimate benefits, he’s just does a better job of presenting it.  He loves me but he’s not in love with me.  Which was of some great relief to me. I told him I’d stay in touch. That’s a load off my mind. Now if I can just sort out my feelings for S,  who I still love but need to let go of.  One down one to go. 

Staightening Out the Mess I Created

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I had a rough day yesterday.  Feelings of being taken for granted permeated my brain, my being, from the people at work, to S.  I was angry by the afternoon.

At work, the lead admin is on vacation.  Her desk is deemed the most important admin job because she supports the sales of our biggest, main product. When she is gone, I cover her desk.  I have always done this, no one else knows how to do it.  Of course, no one covers mine while I cover hers, and my work generally gets behind.  This time, it has fallen way behind because we are all unbelievably busy.  My boss seems to be oblivious to it all, and just keeps piling tasks on me, which someone else could do but he’s afraid they will get mucked up.  I’m  afraid they won’t get done at all.  Anyway, the pressure got to me yesterday of expectations and realistic capabilities and I began to fold.

I heard from S, in his ever to be playful way.  He felt better yesterday, but not great.  I asked something of him that my ego wanted, just to feel like I mattered in a certain way.  I ended up in angry with him, because he doesn’t do on-demand things, ever, and I wanted, needed it.

Last night I had a dream, that I was at a table, maybe a luncheon, in a house where my sis lives in Florida.  And all these wonderful spiritual teachers were there.  We were talking and walking outside with each other, it was amazing.  Lots of crystal jewelry, I remember especially one woman’s beautiful fluorite broach.  Fluorite is one of the most healing of stones.  And someone came and gave me a card, and it was from S, and all I remember it saying was that he loved me, in his own handwriting.  Which he has never said to me, and which I suspect from time to time, but then he will say he doesn’t want to be in love.  And when he backs off I am sure he doesn’t love me, and when he pulls me back, I think he must or why would he do this?

This morning, I did my Byron Katie thing on my thought about him.

1. Do I know it’s true?  Yes.

2. Do I know absolutely that it’s true.  No.  I can never ever know for sure what goes on in his  head. (or anyone’s for that matter.)

3.  How do I feel when I think that thought?  Bereft, lonely, sad, unloved, uncared for, used, abused, broken hearted.

4.  And how would I feel without that thought?  Happy, content, most likely still crazy about him.

So, all that angst over something that may or may not be true.  I went to see my best friend’s daughter in West Side Story last night, S called me on the way there, and I was mean, I was still angry.  Yet when I got out of the play, there was a text asking me to call him when I got home.  So do I believe I don’t matter to him, when he is able to get through my angst and still want to talk to me?  It seems like I should let him speak for himself, and stop imposing my belief, which is not coming from my best self, on him.

As it was, when I called  him I woke him, and just told him to go back to sleep, we could talk today.  Because it was late, he’s been so sick, and I was tired.  It was nice to hear his voice.

I think that loving someone I see so sporadically is playing with me.  I need to either shit or get off the pot with this relationship.  Either we have one or not, I want to be done questioning where we stand with each other.  If I’m gonna miss him so much, either let me miss him and get over it and move on, or let the longing be fulfilled by seeing him on a regular basis.  For me there is no in between.

So, S, if you read this, I’m sorry for spiraling into the stratosphere yesterday.  There may have been underlying reasons that were valid, but I didn’t need to go where I went.

It’s going to be a perfect beach weekend.  I hope, maybe, dream, maybe that I’ll finally get to spend a perfect summer beach day with him at one of the beautiful places he took me in the winter.  I suppose it will depend on a lot of things.  In the end, my heart aches to be with him.

Now if I can just get through today at work, without a meltdown, I think I will be ok.  The picture is from one of the beautiful beaches we went to in the winter.  I will end with Ho’oponopono.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me

Thank you.

I love you.

Comes a time

Posted on by learning to live like water

I don’t know why we can’t keep things on an even keel.  Yesterday, driving to work, I realized, I don’t want to take the place of his ex.  I want my own new, and unique place in his heart.  I don’t want the feeling he has for her, I want my own account full of his love and passion.

When you love someone, do you ever really stop?  Do you have to “get over” them?  Or do you just have to forgive, do you just have to accept that the past will always be what it is, and move on?  I love my exes.  Not the way I once loved them, because time and events temper that, but I could never say I didn’t love them.  Even at the height of my contentious divorce, I wished no ill will on my ex, I wished he’d find a way to be happy.  I remember thinking, when things were ugly, why is he doing this to me?  I love him.  Then at some point, I realized the dark and ugly place he was living in, in his own mind, devoid of any human love or caring.  My heart aches for that and still does.

My heart aches for the pain S has endured with his ex.  I don’t know, and don’t really want to know, the whole story.  I know he loved her and something went wrong.  Now is the time for forgiveness, for her part in the pain, for his own.  And then to move on.  He never has to stop loving her, she earned her place in his heart.

Now there is another woman, who wants to walk out of that darkness with him, and find reasons for living, loving, gratitude and allowing grace to fill both our lives.  I hope I am given my own special place in that heart of his, that he opens it to a possibility at least.

We are given an endless capacity to love, which become greater as we give the love away.  There’s a Neil Young song, Come A Time, where he says, “We were right, we were giving, that’s how we kept what we gave away.”  Ah, yes Neil, that’s how you keep it and get more.  One of my favorite Neil Young songs.

I know loving is scary.  But honestly, isn’t NOT loving, ever again in your life, scarier?  Never feeling that warmth, compassion, that joy, that contentment, that pleasure, that comes with loving, isn’t it scarier to think of living without that?  Life is for living.  Life with love is like dying before you take your last breath.

Ho’oponopono, A Prayer of Healing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ho’oponopono is a practice I learned about during my Reiki training.  It is much like Reiki, in that it’s energy is healing and can work at long distances, or short ones.  I have said it for people I hadn’t heard from who I knew were ailing, and the result was that I heard from them. It changed the dynamic, and some type of healing takes place.

Healing can come from unexpected places.  Anytime you want to connect with someone and you and they are suffering, in anyway, say this, thinking of them.  It can heal you both, and heal all kinds of things.

Attracting Grace

Posted on by learning to live like water

A new day, a new week.  I have been talking, well texting, with S all weekend.  I hope we got somewhere, I can’t be sure.  I just hope he understands where I’m at with our relationship.  It seemed last night perhaps he did, but I can’t be sure.  Time will tell I guess.  I am the same as always with  him, I love him, but can’t continue to be second in his heart to his ex girlfriend, nor will I stand by while he checks out the rest of the female population.  As I said before, I will love him from a safe distance, until either my feelings for him fade, or his feelings for her and desire to be free to date other women fade.  I’ll keep my heart safe that way.

My son has told me this weekend that when I move to Florida he is going to move to Colorado.  A lot of his friends are moving that way, and he has two of his best friends who want to join him.  The company he works for would likely be able to arrange a transfer, and he will be saving all year to have a financial cushion.  I’m happy that he’s making plans, and being pragmatic about it.  I will miss him so much, but honestly…he had planned to stay here as it was.  so CT or CO, both a long distance from Florida.  And I know he will come see me.  He’ll be by a major airport, so it won’t be difficult.  Apparently a lot of young people are heading that way.  Some because pot is legal, but my son is not a smoker, toker, whatever,  Some because there is so much to do, outdoor activities, and that’s more like him.  He’s always been athletic, and loves to be active.  He’ll have roommates, and he’ll be 24.  Perfect time for him to branch out on his own.

He and I went out to dinner last night, which we rarely do.  We hardly see each other, he either works late and gets home when I’m in bed, or if he doesn’t work late he is off with his friends.

It was a good weekend, even though the Beach Whores had to call off our beach day.  I got a lot done, and yesterday rested my arm that has carpal tunnel all day.  Last night was the first night in weeks that I slept well, without pain.

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra (in conjunction with Oprah) 21 day meditation, “Attracting Grace Through Gratitude”.  It’s in the 3rd week now, he is such a wonderful teacher.  I have done many of these 21 days meditations.  His voice is so soothing.

I hope I am attracting grace.  I feel like there was some grace in my ongoing conversation with S over the weekend, and with my son.  Two people who are very important in my life.  And I am grateful, for all the blessings I have.  I’m not feeling angst at the moment, and both of those situations, S and my son, could and have brought it to me before.  So, I guess that there is some grace in that.

The Men in My Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

The men in my life.  Been thinking a lot about that today.  There have been basically 4 men in my life.  One of them I’m counting is my first boyfriend, who really….we only went out 2 or 3 months. But when he broke up with me I thought the world ended.

I was 15, so was he.  We couldn’t drive anywhere so we’d walk a few blocks from my house to go to the movies.  Otherwise, we’d just hang at lunch at school, by each other’s lockers, and talk on the phone. The only reason he made the list is because he gave me my first real kiss….so sweet, so tender, so young.  That’s all we ever did, but it was glorious for a 15 year old.  The cool thing is, we are Facebook friends today.  He is married to a beautiful woman, with kids and grandkids, a long 35 or so year marriage.  I’m so happy that his life turned out well.

The next man was my high school boyfriend.  He and I were together for 3 or 4 years.  Till I went off to college and met my ex husband.  He played guitar in a band, he was such a good guy. I  was always “with the band”, going to his different venues.  If they didn’t have a gig on the weekend, I would book them one at a local hotel, and we’d get a couple hundred kids by word of mouth, paying $1 each.  The guys would split the money and we’d go get a pizza after. LOL.   I hurt him mercilessly.  I know he just assumed he and I would get married.  But I would have driven him crazy, always wanting more, pressing him to be what he was not.  He and I also are Facebook friends, which made me so happy.  He has had a good life too, married for many years, with kids, grandkids, big family and still playing that guitar.  He was very good….

Then of course my ex husband.  We were together almost 40 years.  It started out  beautifully, but there were red flags all the way back that I chose to ignore.  I would have liked to grow old together.  I think, really, that he has a mental illness, he’s unable to face reality in any way, and truly believes that what he says is true, just because he said it.  It’s scary.  But it’s more sad than scary, how his refusal to see reality has messed his life up.  I do think that we might be able to consider ourselves friends, based on my last few conversations with him.  But….i also know from others things about his life that frighten me for him.  Yet, I can’t get involved, unless he asks me.  So I keep my distance. He is not on FB, so we are not FB friends, lol.

Then there is S…..

You all probably know way more than you need to about him.  I love him, I miss him, but it will never ever work between us.  We are texting right now, first communication in a week.  But it’s hard, I won’t dodge the issues, I won’t pretend.  He wants me to always forget about it, and just “have fun”.  That’s just so not me.  In the beginning, yeah, having fun was ok.  But I fell crazy in love with him. (See my blog, “7 things I love about you”)  And I can’t just “have fun” anymore, knowing he still loves his ex gf , and he maybe wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else.  I’ll just love him from a distance and let it fade away.  Or let his other desires fade away.  It’s just that if I’m going to go to bed with someone, I want to be first on their list.  I deserve that. I love myself enough to know it won’t work for me any other way.  If there’s no chance of a relationship growing, then to me, there’s no reason to start.

Then of course, there is A.  I have not included him in the list.  We only dated a short time, and I did not love him.  Not the way I loved the others.  He is such a good close friend.  I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t been in love with S when I met A.  But the reality is, that I was, I am, and because of that, I have to keep A off the list.  It’s kind of a shame.  A loves me unconditionally.  He keeps in touch, he’s always loving and kind and misses me and makes me feel beautiful in his eyes.  Then again, he is always going to be a long ways away.  And even if I was in love with him, how would that work?  I might fly to see him a couple times a year and he might come see me the same…but that wouldn’t be the relationship that I could lean back at night and feel that it filled my world.  Not part time like that.

So A doesn’t make the list, but he does have a special place in my heart.  He has been at times, salve on a wound in my heart.  I’m grateful for his presence in my life.

Men, the men in my life.  It seems odd that the only one I don’t feel friends with now is the one I spent pretty much my life with, from 18 to 55, and had a child with.  I see hope there, but we aren’t there yet.  As far as S…idk.  I don’t think the ending of the story is written yet, so I have to let that one play out.  Go with the flow.

Live like water, right?

Whispers

Posted on by learning to live like water

I heard my name whispered

in a thousand breezes,

as the waves lapped the shore,

as the moonlight illuminated the night.

I thought I recognized the voice,

But it was a whisper,

Who could be sure?

Perhaps it was someone I know,

or perhaps,

someone I don’t know yet,

but whose soul searches for mine

as mine searches for theirs.

The whisper is lovely,

And allows me to dream the peaceful dream,

Of laying beside someone who won’t let me go.

Contentment

In the knowing that I can hear it.