Renewing a Meditation Practice

I didn’t sleep well last night, and so didn’t wake up in time to see sunrise this morning. It was one of those mind chatter nights. I fell asleep fine, despite having listened to an hour or so of that ridiculous debate. But I woke up, a couple hours later and just had such a hard time shutting it down again.

Thoughts… of what I had to do today. Go to the dr. Meet the guy from the insurance company to get the payment for my car. Go look at another car. Tonight go to the open mic and hear my poems read, which makes me really nervous and self-conscious. Then, I thought about my friends back home, the ones who have been part of my life, and I missed them. I was so glad to hear from the friend yesterday, and another that I messaged with later.

I finally fell back to sleep with my meditation music, and a conscious effort at remembering all the things I have to be grateful for.

This morning I realized that my meditation practice has really slid since I’ve been here. New routines, new surroundings. I did a good 20 minutes this morning, trying to focus on Sat, Chit, Ananda. Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. It took about half the time to shut down the chatter again. When I finally did, a lump rose in my throat. I don’t know why, except, I was just grateful for the people who are in my life, and for the universe bringing to me, or maybe actually bringing me to, the kind of life I have dreamed of.

So, I need to get this car thing finished. A car needs to be something I take for granted that I have, not something I have to spend a great deal of time thinking about. Then I can get back to the business of continuing to make this house the way I need it to be.

I want to make jewelry again. Really have a hankering to do that. The other night I was wearing a rose quartz wire wrapped pendant which I wear often, and people have asked me if I have a studio when they find out I made it. I always want to laugh, and think….Geez, I just do this as a hobby. But maybe I could get my stuff displayed at some of the stores around here. I asked my friends if they think my work is good enough to show in places like that and they were like, “OMG, Deb it is totally good enough!” Well, I need the money. I guess I’ll try and see what happens.

Anyway, I can’t make jewelry until I have a place in my house to do it, and so, I have to get back to the business at hand of getting the house set up as I need it to be. And first, I need to have a car.

Sometimes this is harder than I thought it would be. And then I have to say, but aren’t you lucky you can do it at all?

Yes, I’m blessed. Totally. I can do this. One thing at a time. Even though I haven’t really got a time table, I need to press on, I need it done, so I can live the way that works for me. So, onward, as Liz Gilbert says. Onward.

Love and light, all

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Oh Lord Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz

I had a wonderful night. I didn’t lock eyes with anyone, lol, but I did meet a lot of people, including men, my age! The woman who emceed the open mic night was introduced to me, and when she introduced my friends, Pat and Beth, to sing, she announced that there was a new person there, ME, a friend of the “ Gulfport’s legendary Pat and Beth”. Everyone clapped, it was pretty funny, really. Then Pat and Beth sang “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin and said it was a request from me, lol.

It kind of was. We had been sitting talking before it all started, and I asked them if they knew Mercedes Benz. They loved the idea, but wanted me to get up with them. I don’t do “standing up in front of a lot of people.” Lol NO. They kind of got into a discussion of Joplin songs and I said, “How about Take Another Little Piece of My Heart?” Beth, who was a professional singer, got all excited and immediately broke into the song, sitting at our table, and Pat joined her. So they sang it for me, lol.

The next person to sing was Jerry. I’m not sure how the name is spelled because I was informed she was our local transexual….dressed as a woman, but sounding like a man. She had a nice voice. But in the middle of her song, it began to rain, so people were running around trying to get the equipment in out of the rain under the canopy. Finally we all realized it was going to rain for awhile, and we all went inside the restaurant, which is tiny. Most of their seating is outside. But about 25 of us fit in there, and a kid with a banjo showed up and began playing and singing, he was really good! It was so cool. A few other people sang after that, we were all singing along, toe-tapping. Jerry finally got to sing her songs, and we were sitting at a table with her. She is quite funny, I enjoyed talking with her. She is a regular there.

Finally we ran out of singers, but Pat, Beth and I were in a conversation with another singer, a woman named Sherry, who actually goes on the road and plays gigs. She just got back from a 9 week road trip, and she’s my age. There were a couple more people still in the restaurant, though by now it had stopped raining. Beth decided we all needed to sing Mercedes Benz, so we started and pretty soon, everyone was singing it, people came in from outside to sing it with us! It was so fun! As it ended our friend Art, who dates my bff from high school though she lives in Iowa, showed up. He’d been waiting for the rain to end to come down.

It was still early, the now 4 of us decided to go to another place that may have karaoke, and we were hungry anyway. The place didn’t have karaoke because there was a football game on, so the karaoke wouldn’t start until the game was over, and we were all too tired, to wait any longer. By now it was 11. So we piled in my car and drove back to my house.

Beginning to feel not so much an outsider here. I met a man who was born in CT, and truth be told, most everyone there is a transplant. I met a woman who does not live far from me, at least my age, maybe older, who wears her hair in two long braids. She knew my street (not everyone does because it’s a block long, lol) because the Gulfport community garden is a few lots down the street from me. It’s a whole bunch of aging hippies who want nothing to do with winter and now just live in the moment, enjoying life, being creative, making friends. There are no egos, at least none that seem to want to dominate the world, lol.

Life is good. Every day I am more glad that I made this decision. Love and light, all.

Straight From the Bottle

I’m about to drink wine straight from the bottle. Because I don’t have a glass that’s not packed. I feel like I need to sit back and relax.  (There’s only about 1 glass left in the bottle.)  I’ve been going full tilt since 8:30 am and it’s now 5:30. Vacuumed and mopped the basement floors, and cleaned the fridge in there. It was my sons fridge, he’s 24. That should be enough to explain how much fun that was. I did score 4 beers out of it, lol, but I don’t really like beer. Oh well. Someone will drink it.

My two besties came over this morning and cleaned out my pantry and freezer. Their husbands cleaned out the garage. By cleaned out, I mean that they took all the food that was edible out of the pantry, and all the stuff from the garage that I couldn’t sell or give away.   Snow blower, weed wacker, space heaters, gas cans, all sorts of stuff.  Then the husbands helped me disconnect the TV, and put it in the box it has to go in for moving. Also the mirror which is attached to my dresser.

Then I packed more stuff. Like my printer, jewelry box, jewelry that doesn’t fit in my jewelry box, DVD player, hand soap dispensers and toothbrush holder. Cleaned two bathrooms.

Done for today. Done. Especially after talking to my sister for an hour, and my son for a half hour. I’m pretty spent.

I don’t have TV to watch tonight either. I can watch it on my computer though. So many people are asking to come by and say goodbye one more time. It’s really heartwarming. Because I don’t have time to go see everyone, but they are all willing to come here. I am grateful. Doing all this stuff alone has proven to be very hard.

The one person I really kind of hoped would say goodbye has remained silent. I’m not surprised, he couldn’t do the right thing on his best day. And neither could his girlfriend. Match made in heaven. Or maybe the other place. I’m over it, just think it would have been nice to leave things on a more positive note. He’s never been able to do things that are uplifting to anyone but himself anyway.

On the other hand, Addie, whose heart I broke over the silent one a few times, has been in touch, and still makes mefeel his   unconditional love.   I am so hsppy to hear from him. And happy that his girlfriend is secure enough and mature enough not to try to stop him.  Blessed to have that sweet man in my life, takes the sting out of the other one.

Well, onward. Not much left to do here. Thankfully. Wind it up and get my butt down to the land of sand, salt and palm trees. I’m ready.

Love and light.

A Going-Away Party

My bff, as I suspected she would, had a surprise going-away party for me last night. She’d asked me to dinner, but I know her. I knew I wasn’t going to get away with just a dinner. So when I got there about 20 of my closest friends were there.

I started to cry, just for a second, that they were all there, for me. No one, ever, has thrown a surprise party for me. Just was so nice, just wrapped up in the love of the people I love. They’ve all said they wanted to come see me in FL. I know not all of them will, I know some of them will.

We ate, and drank, and told stories, and laughed. I love going to my bff’s house, because I know I will laugh there until my stomach hurts. I only had one drink. I was tired when I got there. But it was just fun, relaxing. Caught up with everyone before I left.

A few people gave me gifts, which totally surprised me. How nice! I am going to have to get some cards that I can write thank you notes on, to all the people at work and my friends.

I don’t think there’s anyone I haven’t said goodbye to now. And I’ve been good, I’ve barely cried at all. At least not til I’m alone. I think I may cry when I leave town, maybe when I leave my house to go to my friend Susan’s for the two nights before I leave. The movers are coming Tuesday to take my stuff. Wednesday I’ll clean the house, and we’re leaving early Thursday, really early like around 5 am, to beat the NYC traffic because we have to go over one of the bridges over the Hudson. So, I will stay at her house after the movers take my stuff.

I am nervous, and anxious, and excited, and happy, and sad. I have never had so many mixed emotions about anything. Yet, I know it’s the right thing, only choice I can make that makes any sense for me to be able to spend some time not working. So I forge ahead, each day, and make the dream come a little closer. When I get to Florida, Susan will be with me, and my friend Pat from high school who lives there, and my other high school friend Cathy who is coming over from Daytona just to help me move in. So I will be greeted and in the company of more people I love. In October my sister will be down for the winter, I can’t wait for that, to be able to be close to her. It’s all good.

I am so blessed, just so incredibly blessed. That I am able to do this at all, to make this choice, to have had family to help me do it, and life-long friends. My bff toasted me last night, reminding me that we have been friends since I brought her Glorious Morning Muffins when her father died, and we sat at her kitchen table and bonded. 20 years ago. She has stuck with me through my horrible marriage and divorce, and helped me to move out, and advised me to leave Scott in the dust long before I could imagine it, but she was right. She could see how he treated me, and how I was taking it and after my ex, she couldn’t stand to see me let Scott do what he did to me. But she also never got mad at me for my inability to let him go, she knew I really loved him. Though one time, when I asked her to go shopping she said, “Ok, I’ll go, but we’re not talking about him.” LOL. And we didn’t. I don’t think she and I, or any of my friends have ever uttered an unkind word to each other. True true friends. We are there for each other, all of us, without judgment, with only unconditional love.

The path opens, and it is paved with the wonderful things that have been put in my life. I know there are more waiting for me there.

Love and light, everyone.

 

Counting Blessings, A Poem

blessings1

Feeling so blessed this morning.
I’ve had,
and focused way too much on,
So much heartache in my life.
But this morning,
all I feel is gratitude.

Everything that happens to us
Brings us to where we are.
LOOK where I am!

On the cusp of a dream,
Filled with good friends,
And family.
About to live close to the ocean,
In a place where I’ll never shovel snow again.

My son is strong, and smart
And creating his own good life.
I’m so proud of him.
So lucky to have such a close connection with him.
We will always have each other
Even if the miles separate us.

The lessons I’ve learned
Through the heartache and pain
Have brought me here
To a place I can be exceedingly happy
And be myself.

Everyone has been a teacher
I’m grateful for them all.
It’s been a hell of a journey
And the journey continues.

Blessed, just blessed.
Nothing else to say.

Lessons From Skywalking (A Poem)

skywalking

Skywalking, she sees
as above, so below
As within, so without.

No footprints were left in the clouds.
No sign that her spirit floated by
She reached for a star,
To guide her
She reached within
To discern her path.

She saw the beautiful earth
The bluest deepest oceans teeming with life,
The green forests full of tall trees,
The mountains scraping the clouds with majestey
The deserts, vast and simple.

Was it an illusion?
Or mixed with reality?
Unsure, but greater
She walked home
To this earth
Where she tread softly still
Leaving no mark upon this earth.

Grateful to walk,
And to fly when she wanted.
‘Twas love that lifted her
To the sky.
‘Twas love that brought her home again.

In the end, there is only love.
Always and everlasting.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

(Very) Early Morning Musings

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.