I can’t express the ache in my heart
Knowing my son and I will only visit
After tomorrow.
God, I will miss that young man.
How blessed am I that he is my son.
Til I see you again, Bub.
Category Archives: love
Working Through the Angst
This has been the hardest day yet. Trying to help my son get the bike rack on his car, and I could barely stand there, with the car full of all his stuff. Trying to help him arrange it so it all fit, plus the two carry-on bags that have to go in tomorrow morning. I came back in the house and walked around aimlessly, looking for something to do to take my mind off the fact that this would be the last day I ever spent living in the same house with him.
I decided to go to the store, and pick up snacks for us. He needed a bike lock. I needed to get the hell out where there were people. I managed to suck it up, and get the bike lock. In the store, I couldn’t even imagine what we’d want for snacks in the car because my stomach was so upset. I picked out a few things, then just decided we’d have to stop somewhere along the way and get things to refill the snack bag. I have a small cooler to put water bottles in.
When I got home, we were sitting watching TV together, because his TV was in the car. He put on a movie, a comedy. We both started laughing. Then he said, “Mom, you gotta get it together or this is going to be an awful long trip.” I said, “I’m trying.” I was able to express some heartfelt emotions to him, then. And he to me. And then we just kept talking…..And I think I was able to pull myself back from the edge quite a ways.
He is, as most young people are, a bit self centered, and didn’t realize how hard this was for me, even though I was the one who set it all in motion. And I perhaps have not wanted to burden him with the difficulty I am having with everything, because he’s my kid, and I don’t want him worried about me. But now, I explained to him that even if this house here were paid off, I’d still have to come up with $600 a month in taxes. That I want to be able to enjoy life for a few years. I told him how much money I’ll save there, and he knows how I hate winter. He finally said, “Mom, I’m gonna be 25 on my next birthday. I shouldda been out of the house already.” I smiled and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think you and I needed this house. We needed to be here. This is the happiest place we’ve ever lived and we deserved that. We had 5 good years here, really good for us. Now it’s time for us both to move on.”
So we are on the same page. I feel so much better. The unspoken fears we both had, and perhaps a little misunderstanding between us about what was going on for each of us on an emotional level, were eating at us both. Thank God we are able to communicate, in a loving and close way. No accusations, no blaming. Just listening to each other, and honoring our feelings.
He’s going out with his friends for sushi tonight. I’m going to a gong bath. Then we’ll come home, and go to bed, and begin our new adventure tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok. I think I see the light returning to my psyche.
Breathing, exhaling. I have a great kid. He has a great future in front of him, and so do I.
Love and light.
One Last Gong Bath Tonight
Last night I sent a friend in Scotland Reiki. I only sent it for about 15 minutes, because I was so tired from getting up at 4:30 am yesterday that I started to fall asleep. (Sorry, Ogden, lol) But it did me good, which is the cool thing about giving reiki, you get it too, as it passes through you. I got the first 8 hours of sleep that I have gotten in about a week. I hope it helped him too.
I did my meditation this morning, as usual. Trying to prepare myself emotionally for this long trip I begin tomorrow. I realized at some point during the meditation that I can probably finish everything I need to finish to leave tomorrow, and still have time to go to the gong bath tonight. That would be the best thing for me.
I have been holding so much emotion in my sacral and solar plexus chakras. Every morning I wake up and have that nervous feeling in my stomach. I work with it throughout the day, but still, it’s there. And from time to time it overwhelms me, to drive such a long distance and then leave my son there. It’s just a mom thing I guess. I spent so many years trying to protect him from his fathers wrath and biting tongue, and then so much time freeing him, and then the last 8 years trying to help him heal. Making him believe that he is worthy of love and belonging just because he exists in this world, and just because he is my son, and I think that I’ve been successful on that count.
It’s just hard. We are so close. I am so happy and proud of him, that he’s set this new life up all on his own. I’ve tried to help, of course, financially a little, contributing to new tires and car alignment, and I’ll help him set up his place in CO, but he’s done all the work himself to find a place to live, and to get a decent job.
But anyway, I think the gong bath will help me to release a lot of the angst I have over the whole thing.
Not to mention all the people I’ve been saying goodbye to. There will be a ton more when I get back from CO too. I love this place I live, except in winter, lol, it is beautiful. But it’s the people who are in my life on a regular basis that will be in my heart.
So gonging I will go. I sent my friend Linda an email telling her I was now intending to come. Just once more to lay on the floor and let the tsunami pf the vibrations of all Peter and Linda’s gongs carry me where I need to go.
Working through it this morning.
Love and light…..
Note: the picture at the top is not the gong bath I go to, but is very similar. (Pic is from Google Images.) We also have 8 gongs and all kinds of other vibrational instruments. And most of us lay on the floor, it’s my preferred position.
Laugh Til You Fart
(Warning: Adults only…..)
I was talking to a dear friend tonight about how I had one man who was an awesome lover, but not fun, and another one who was not really a good lover at all, was quite self absorbed, but made me laugh all the time. He made me laugh so hard I farted once, in the middle of sex. Which had us both hysterical. (And me red-faced, lol) Once when we broke up he said, “Who’s gonna make you laugh til you fart now?” (We stayed broken up for a few days I think, lol.)
I’d rather have the laughs I think, than the heavy serious lover. I love to laugh.
In truth, I want both, lol. An unselfish, caring lover who can make me laugh til I fart.
But I remember being talked down to, because I had a rich full life with the funny one. And I said to that person, “Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? To have great sex with the man you love?” Geezus. I should feel bad about that? Or be embarrassed? WTF?
I just don’t get that attitude. As if it’s not one of the joys of being in a relationship with someone. As if sex with the person you love should be a burden. Or you should make them feel it is.
Well, anyway, I never understood that whole thing. I suppose some people just have baggage, that keeps them from enjoying fully that wonderful part of intimacy, in a (for me) closed, monogamous relationship. I don’t want to be judgmental. I’m just happy that I don’t have any, lol.
I’m sure there’s someone out there (in Florida!!!) that will join me in that endeavor
Love and light, all.
Circle of Friends
They are having a retirement party for me at work. It’s like a break in the day, in the lunchroom, usually ice cream cake and cookies. The pres of the company give a little speech, and they usually present you with a gift of some kind. It’s a nice thing to do. They are usually a surprise, but my boss told me his brother, the pres, won’t be here next week, so they want to do it this week.
Then there was a note on my desk, asking where to get the cake and cookies, lol. Because I have either planned or been a big part of the planning of these things up until my own. I definitely appreciate it though, it will be nice.
Then the friend who is going with me to FL is having Paint Nite at her house that night. That will be so much fun. If my painting turns out ok, I’ll put up a picture. It will be another good chance to see more of my friends before I leave.
I guess I just have to not think about what I’m doing, saying goodbye to everyone. Just like, I’m going away for a vacation or something and I’ll be back. Because I’m afraid I’m going to be crying for like a month between now and when I leave. When I think of all the things I’ve gone through with this bunch, how they’ve been there for me, keeping me close, helping keep my head on straight. And loving me even when I didn’t listen to them, because they could see what I preferred to be blind to. When my family fell apart, and I couldn’t see my son, they invited me into their homes for family dinners, and included me, treated me as a family member.
I will miss them, friends of a life time. But I won’t lose them. They’ll come see me, I’ll come up here and see them. We’ll talk on the phone, and FB messenger. We will stay part of each others lives.
I’ll see more of the friends I grew up with, many of whom already are in FL, and the ones that aren’t come down often and visit, and will be relocating there within a few years. It’s like full circle.
I’m really really blessed. I’ve known quite a few people whose circle is small, very small. 1 or 2 people. My ex hasn’t got anyone, but that’s the way he wants it. To have friends, you have to be a friend. Be willing to go out on that limb, not knowing what the outcome will be, and not worrying about it. I’m just so grateful for the people in my life.
Love and light
Lessons From Skywalking (A Poem)
Skywalking, she sees
as above, so below
As within, so without.
No footprints were left in the clouds.
No sign that her spirit floated by
She reached for a star,
To guide her
She reached within
To discern her path.
She saw the beautiful earth
The bluest deepest oceans teeming with life,
The green forests full of tall trees,
The mountains scraping the clouds with majestey
The deserts, vast and simple.
Was it an illusion?
Or mixed with reality?
Unsure, but greater
She walked home
To this earth
Where she tread softly still
Leaving no mark upon this earth.
Grateful to walk,
And to fly when she wanted.
‘Twas love that lifted her
To the sky.
‘Twas love that brought her home again.
In the end, there is only love.
Always and everlasting.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Google Images
(Very) Early Morning Musings
I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.
The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.
The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.
I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.
One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.
He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.
He never did.
When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.
But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.
S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.
I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.
I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.
I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.
All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.
At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.
Love and light, everyone.
Haiku No. 138: Greed, or Gratitude (4 parts)
Greed, I despise it.
Living from fear, fear of lack.
Take from those who need.
How can someone fear
So much? It boggles the mind.
A sad way to live.
Love your fellow man.
If he’s hungry, please feed him.
No shoes? Give him yours.
Love him, give to him.
Give to acknowledge having.
Grateful you’ve enough.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Image from Google Images
Life is Calling
I was home alone much of this weekend. While dealing with the damn water in the basement, and cleaning the house, and all the other weekend chores that have to be done, I was going deep, and peeling back layers.
Layers of pain, layers of fear, layers of love. I took a ride, on the emotional roller coaster, and missed some people to the point of tears, and feared losing others to the same extent. I sat with my feelings, I allowed myself to feel all of them, and it wasn’t always pleasant. Then I talked to good friends who helped me to get through. One on Saturday from here, who always gets me back to the present moment. One in Montana, who always reminds me of what’s important. My friend here who is going to drive to Florida with me, who brings me right to my present life, and all the joy I have in it.
At the end of the 2 days, I had done some real work, I think. Last night’s “Goodbye” haiku ( https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2016/07/25/haiku-no-125-goodbye-5-parts/ ) kind of spilled out of my heart, and I think it was real. I think it’s time to let that all go. I hope I left it in a good place, a place I can remember fondly. A place of forgiveness and love, because I just don’t want any of the angst of holding onto negative stuff. Our paths crossed for awhile, the lessons were there, almost in an explosion of emotion, and we both have to move on. Always and all ways, I can live with that.
This morning, there is peace on this hillside, in the trees, in the morning sun on my face and skin, the cool but balmy air silently soothing me. All I can think of is Beth Harts song, “Life is Calling” so I’m going to put the link below.
Love and light, all.
Balancing Love and Trust
In a comment to my last post, “To Lay Me Down” my good friend Survived Narc brought up a good point about holding back just a little, until you can trust. Which is really another whole blog, so here goes.
How do we give our all once we’re in love, but still, make sure we can trust before we allow ourselves to fall? That’s the question, for me, the big question.
Brene Brown, in her book Rising Strong, and her talk “The Anatomy of Trust” (http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust) breaks down in plain, clear, logical language how trust is created. I’ve learned so much from her, and I think that I now understand how I was so betrayed by Scott. I trusted him for all the wrong reasons, and thus, allowed myself to love him unbelievably intensely and dangerously.
I don’t know how to balance the two. Trust and love. Him….I felt like I knew him, felt like I loved him before we even met. I assumed he was trustworthy, I assumed it because of all the wrong reasons. Because he told me “secrets” which he swore he’d never told anyone else, but turns out he had. He lied, so much that it boggles my mind, but I believed him. Mostly, because so many of the lies were unnecessary. He didn’t need to tell me that his ex girlfriend was married. It would have made no difference to me why they broke up, or how, or what she did. He just lied. Of course, if he told me that he was waiting for her to come to her senses, and come back to him, it might have stopped me. But after months, neither he nor I thought she was coming back. I foolishly thought he and I had something too, because of the lies he told me. Things like “I said I didn’t want to be in love with you, Deb, but I didn’t say I wasn’t.” “You scare me, because I have a lot of feelings for you, and I don’t want to be in love….” “in my own way, I love you too.”
Well, needless to say, I learned my lesson.
I think that while love and trust are two separate things, they go hand in hand if you want to have a strong healthy relationship. So while I stand by my belief that not holding back in a relationship, if I love someone, maybe I would temper that statement by saying, I would let that love grow much more slowly, in tandem with my trust for the person. Just, not jump in with both feet until, as Brene says, they have filled my marble jar. Filled it without periodically dumping all the marbles out of it.
Loving without trust is walking the edge. My heart is not strong enough for that any more. I want solid ground, which means, I will give my all, but give it appropriately for where the relationship is at the moment. I won’t jump in believing it’s more than it is. But I won’t hold back either. I’ll just stay in the moment, and let both love and trust grow simultaneously.
I guess my thoughts that I am willing to be vulnerable is still valid, because I am. I am willing to say “I love you” first. But if it’s never said back to me, ever, or always qualified, or quantified, then the relationship will stall, not for lack of love but for lack of trust.
I used to say love was a choice, to fall in love was a choice. I never felt like loving Scott was a choice. It just was, it was from the first time we met. I don’t know what that was, why it was. I still believe we have past history, in another life. He used to believe that too, though I’m sure he denies it now. But he used to read me, just like I read him. Even with the limited contact of the last 6 months, I have known every time I have heard from him, that I would hear from him before I did. Even if it’s just to have him call and hang up, leaving no message. Or to leave me a voice mail. But I do know that if I ever feel that love at first sight thing again, a big “Slow Zone” sign will pop up in my head. A big question mark, following the question, “Can you trust him??? I know now that I can love unconditionally, but not let that person in my life unless and until I can trust them.
It’s a balance….to love, to be vulnerable, to trust, to build trust. It’s all a balancing act. Complicated and simple. A conundrum, of the human condition, lol.
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