Category Archives: Unconditional Love

A Larger Perspective

Posted on by learning to live like water

larger perspective

I remember 6 or 7 years ago reading Paulo Coelho’s book The Valkyries, which was about his own quest in the Mojave Desert for to meet his angel. It’s purported to be true, and I believe it is. He undertakes this journey with his wife. She was not into spiritual things, but of course he’s the author of The Alchemist which has sold 65 million copies world wide in 56 languages.

His wife was trying to get into this quest, because it was so important to him. One day they were walking and he told her to lift her gaze. He explained most people keep their gaze to only a few feet in front of them. He told her her world would expand if she lifted her gaze. So she did…..and after a little while she told him, “Paulo, my world has grown.”

Ever since I read that, I have tried to remember to lift my gaze. To see the world from a wider perspective. Somehow it allows me to be more forgiving, because what seems large when it is 3 or 4 feet away, and the only thing in your view, is so small and insignificant when you gain a wider, longer perspective. Suddenly you see that in the scope of things, it didn’t really matter.

All of a sudden I see a lot of things in my life are that way. In the grand scope of my life, my relationship with Scott was only 18 months, only 12 if I discount the time he shared himself with me and Betty. If I was 15, a year would be a lot of time. But I’m 65, and a year is not so much. I didn’t lose that much time, at least, to him.

How much of my heart I lost, well….I think it was a lot more than a year’s worth. Kind of like an overstuffed pillow. I packed years of loving into that one year, enough that now my heart is hard, like the pillow that the foam is so densely packed that there’s no softness left to it.

What can I do about it? I believe that love is forever….unconditional. So it’s not like I can empty it out and it will go away. I think all I can do is expand my heart, so I can fit more in it. And have a larger perspective, I think. More love has to be better, right? I think someone will come along and dwarf what is there for Scott. I hope. It’s my intention.

I need a larger perspective. I need to lift my gaze. I think a lot of us do.

Love and light. 🙂

There’s Nothing Wrong With Me

Posted on by learning to live like water

unconditional-love

Today all day I reminded myself that there’s nothing wrong with me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

And there’s not. My bloodwork came back all good. So it’s stress. I know it’s stress. I know that all this stuff on my plate that I absolutely have to deal with to get moved to Florida has to just get done. I have to plow through it. I have to not let the list upset me. I have to do one thing at a time.

So I called my sister tonight, my loveable, beautiful sister, and she helped me with the forms for Mom’s estate. I will have them into the mail by Monday. I told her, because she’s worried, that all my labs came back ok, that there’s nothing wrong but that I am just stressing the shit out of myself. I hadn’t told her about the cryptic and sporadic contact from S that has been making me crazy, because I just didn’t want to. But I told her tonight, and told her how it just eats at me to hear from him, because I still love him, but he hurt me so much I can’t even stand to have that little bit of connection. I need to be free of it, forever. I can’t imagine a time when I will think of him and not hurt from it. So, I’m grateful that so far he is honoring my request to let me go.

I was pretty happy all day today. I did that meditation this morning, and all day was happy thinking about the end of all this stress, being at the Mangia Cafe, having a drink, and listening to my friends sing under the stars. Or having a bike, and riding it to the beach to watch the sun come up. Or go down. I was showing the picture to some of my colleagues at work, saying “This is gonna be my life….” That thought enables me to relax, and put perspective back into my long list of things to do and worry about, lol.

I was reading Marianne Williamson today, A Return to Love. I wanted to brush up on it before my book club meeting, even though I read it a few years ago. She said, when you allow love into your heart, and your life, instead of fear, you can expect it to get hard. All the things that most aggravate you will confront you. Because, you if you are going to embrace life from a place of love, not fear, you can’t just love when it’s easy. You have to love no matter how hard it is, because that’s where grace lies. So, the people who most aggravate and hurt you, you have to learn to deal with from a place of love. Not hate, not fear. But love.

She says too, from A Course in Miracles, love isn’t love until it’s unconditional. I know this is true. It’s why it is easier for me to love all the people I have loved than it is not to. Even the ones that have hurt me, devastated me. I never put any limits on anyone when I loved them. I never said, I’ll love you unless you do such and such. I’ll love you if you do such and such. I just said, I love you. You. The person you are. I love you. I never will put brackets on loving anyone. I won’t have people in my life if they’ve hurt me, I just can’t. But I can love them, still, for the rest of my life.

And that’s hard. It’s really hard. But I’m trying. Because I believe the only way this world will ever change is for each of us to change our perception of things from fear to love. I’ve always said our toughest teachers are the ones who caused us the most pain, and thus, the most growth.

I’m grateful to them. I really am. Even though, still, I hurt when I think of them. But that too is a lesson, how to get through the pain and the grief and grow, and embrace life stronger, to not shrivel up from fear of being hurt again.

So the stress is teaching me a lesson. I have to learn balance. I always thought since I got through that 4 year divorce that ended in the Supreme Court, not by my choice, that I could get through anything. I got through a horrible custody battle, during which I wasn’t able to communicate with my son. Again, I thought nothing should stress me out after that.

But life goes on, and just because I had a few doozies for stress, doesn’t mean there won’t be more. And would I want that? I want to keep growing and evolving and learning how to deal with every situation. From love, from a place of love.

I’m really glad I’m reading that book now. Because as far as I can tell, love really is the answer. It really is all we need.

Didn’t really mean to get all philosophical. Just trying to find my way through it all. And come out with a bigger heart than I went in with.

Love and light.

Maybe It’s Time…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Love can change

I took my son out for Vietnamese Pho for dinner tonight. It’s one of his favorite foods, usually the place he chooses if he has a choice. I am still so tired from this bug, and not sleeping this week, I couldn’t put together a dinner for him, and I didn’t get home til 6:30 anyway. I got him an ice cream cake, which is tradition. He’s never been a big fan of regular cake, even though all of mine are made from scratch.

It was really nice to go out with him. He’s going to a music festival in Las Vegas next month, and he’s so excited. Almost all his friends from here are going, and his friends from Colorado. I’m so happy to see him living his life.

On the way home though, I thought about how I won’t be with him on his next birthday most likely. I thought about how I’m going to miss him. It’s been just he and I for 8 years now. We are so close. I got all choked up in the car. He asked, “Are you ok Mom?” Yeah…I’m just going to miss you. We don’t hang out a lot, but we enjoy each other’s company. That’s gonna be a hard transition. Really hard.

I’ve been reading Marianne Williamson’s book The Gift of Change. It’s like she gently takes my heart, my soul, and my mind, and aligns them all with her words.

Today I put up a snarky post, with the song Silver Spring, telling how and why I got the song on my playlist, because of the first betrayal of me by S. The one he admitted to, the one I’ve always called the prison whore. Because I heard it playing, it reminded me of the first and all of the subsequent betrayals and I just wanted to put it down, on paper. Well, on the page. I did. In my inimitable way, hard, cold, edgy truth.

Then I read this sentence, in The Gift of Change, when I was at lunch.

“Our mission is to affirm the essential goodness in people even when they’ve made mistakes.”

And I thought about that post. Even though it was true, every word, it was designed to make one person uncomfortable with his behavior. To make him squirm. To make him look at himself. I could self-righteously say I hoped he’d change if he saw it in print, but I know better. I knew it would just piss him off, and maybe even shame him, to have me telling the world what he’d done. And I guess that’s what I wanted to do.

I deleted it. I rewrote it so it was more closely aligned with my pain, not his behavior. It was a mistake he made. He made a lot of them. But he’s living with the consequences, I’m not, not now. If I’m going to be who I want to be, I need to encourage what is good about him. Not broadcast any longer what is bad about him.

I’ve waivered. I go from encouraging open and honest communication to being triggered into furiousness. I have not been consistent, as I’ve tried to heal. And really, who is? It’s a roller coaster, one day it’s way in the past, the next day, something brings it front and center and it’s all you can do to not put your head down on your desk at work and cry.

It’s not my job to try to fix the behavior that caused the pain. But it’s also not my job to rub it in, through this blog, and remind him over and over of what he did. It’s my job to take care of me, and practice and find ways to encourage what makes me grow, and heal, and spread my light.

“Practice kindness,” Marianne says, “and you will become kind. Practice discipline, and you will become disciplined. Practice forgiveness, and you will start to become forgiving. Practice charity, and you start to become charitable. Practice gentleness, and you start to become gentle.” She goes on to say, “We become gracious when we decide to be gracious.”

I don’t know if this is just a phase for me. Or if I’m really sick of hitting him over the head with my words. Maybe I have enough distance that it seems old to me, at least right now. Maybe I’ve just gotten past it. Maybe, though, maybe I am afraid that my endless barbs at him are keeping him stuck where he doesn’t want to be.

Even though, he doesn’t have to read this blog. I don’t know why he does. He wrote one, on his own blog, after a year. It was one sentence, a barb, aimed at me, his only follower. I unfollowed him. Lol.  I didn’t want to get baited.  I already have an arsenal stored away if I feel like getting angry with him.  I don’t need anything else added to it.

But he still reads my blog, for whatever reason. Maybe, like he said once, it’s like the train wreck you can’t drive by. Maybe he hopes one day I’ll just stop…and go back to writing things like The Story in His Eyes, or The 7 Reasons I Love You. Or stop writing about him altogether. Maybe he just thinks he deserves my ire. Maybe he just wants to know what’s on my mind, hoping I’ve finally moved on.

Maybe he’s trying to find the unconditional love I always promised, in my words.

Maybe one day I will stop. I don’t think I’m quite done with it, I don’t think I’ve healed completely. I still think I’m picking up pieces of myself daily, and trying to meld them back into the whole. And as long as I’m doing that, I’ll probably continue to write about it. It’s just part of my process.

But, I think I will try to be kinder, lighter. I think I’ll try to shed some light, instead of pointing out the darkness. Even if my light doesn’t dispel his darkness, it might dispel someone’s.

He did cause me an inordinate amount of pain, and I did love him without limit. But he also caused me an inordinate amount of laughter, and that’s one of the reasons I loved  him so much.

Food for thought, that’s all.  Maybe it’s time for a change.

Love and light.

To Lay Me Down

Posted on by learning to live like water

I loved a man once,
Without guile,
Without pretense,
With purity, honesty.
Without limit.
I gave everything I had
Free, for the having.
I asked nothing.

I got nothing.
Should I then, have asked?

I guess this is what it’s about, making yourself vulnerable. I never believed in holding back. Once I make up my mind about what I want, I see no purpose in holding back. That seems like a game, to hold back and dole it out a little at a time Making sure that each bit you give is matched. Word for word. Gift for gift. Lustful desire for lustful desire.

I never believed in asking either.  At least, not for love.  If it’s not given freely, I’m not sure it has much value.

Maybe it’s smarter to go tit for tat. Maybe then it’s easier to get back up when you get knocked down. Maybe the blow isn’t quite so hard. Maybe there is a cushion made by the things you didn’t say, or do, or give.

But then, might you not say, for the rest of your life, “What if?” What if you’d wanted to tell him you loved him but didn’t, and it was what he needed to hear, because he didn’t think he was lovable. What if you didn’t give him that sailboat sculpture you knew he’d like, because he didn’t have something equal to give to you? You would have missed the smile on his face, the twinkle in his eyes, the way he explained all about the boat and what each part of it was, and how it was true to scale, and what kind of boat it was. You would have missed all that, because he didn’t have a gift of equal value to give to you. What if, you didn’t tell him you wanted to see him, because you didn’t want to say it first, and found out he needed to be wanted, at that moment, just to go on.

At the end of the day, I need to know I gave it my all, my everything. That there was no stone left unturned, that he had all the facts on the table, and said, no, it’s not what I want. I can deal with that. I can say, I love you, I’ll always love you. But good bye.

Of course…..what I can’t, couldn’t, deal with was all the betrayal. There was no need for it, and it just grates against my nature. To take what was given honestly, purely, unconditionally, and treat it like it was nothing, nothing but a toy to be played with. We could have parted respectfully, and remained friends. But betrayal, after betrayal, continuing for months after we stopped seeing each other. Every word spoken, every act, another betrayal.

But that’s a blog I’ve written about plenty and now wish to let it go. I can’t undo it, and it belies a sickness in him, not in me.

I’m glad, satisfied, happy, and confident that I did the right thing, in making myself fully vulnerable. I will do it again. I will not play a game. If I love someone, I will love him fully, unconditionally, in every way I can. I will not hold back. Ever. The key is….to find someone you can trust with your love. That will be my intention next time. Not to give it away, until I know I can lay me down in the circle of his arms and be safe.

The Best is Yet to Come

Posted on by learning to live like water

The sun poured into my bedroom window like spun gold this morning. It was filtered only by the sheer white curtain that hangs like a flouncy skirt onto the floor. It was 6:15. I woke earlier, at 5:30 and thought, no, I don’t want to get up this early, and the next time I looked it was 6:15.

When the sun is like that, pouring through the windows on the south side of the house, I am excited to get up, and watch the day unfold. I am only sorry it isn’t warm enough to sit outside, and listen to the birds, and feel the gentle spring breeze on my cheek.

I did a meditation this morning by Tara Brach on Open Awareness. She does wonderful guided meditations. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

At the beginning, as she guides you into physical body relaxation, she asks you “What is it your heart really wants?”

My answer was swift, required no thought. “To love and be loved.” That’s all.

The meditation sought to bring us to a place of only awareness, not thought. Using words from the Buddhist monk Tilopa from 1000 or so years ago:

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

It was a nice way to begin the day. Peaceful, no angst today. Or at least, not right now. (she smiles, lol)

My son and I are going out for BBQ today. It’s a delayed birthday dinner. Then we’re stopping at Sam’s club, for a few things. It is a lovely spring day.

I have not buried the St. Joseph statue that my friends Peter and Linda gave me in my front yard yet. I think I’ll do it this morning. I’ve not had a nibble all weekend on the house. Even though I’m not really worried about it, I still think I will give it whatever added boost the statue can give it.

And believe. Just believe it will happen. Just trust that the universe will bring the right buyers to my house at the right time.

Feeling peaceful and calm this morning. Trusting my intuition to guide the path of my life to follow my heart’s desire, to find my heart’s desire. I am beginning to trust myself again. It’s a good feeling. I’m not sure if that isn’t the greatest trauma of being betrayed on such a grand scale, the loss of our ability to trust ourselves. A good lesson was learned about love and trust.

I still believe love never dies. I think I’ll always love the people I loved. It’s just that I see them through unfiltered glasses now, in all their imperfection. What’s done is done, what’s over is over. In the words of Van Morrison in Someone Like You:

But just lately I have realized
The best is yet to come.

I hope that’s true until my last breath.

https://youtu.be/tIrJK19dADI

Trying to Just Keep Rising

Posted on by learning to live like water

keep rising

I just came home from the gong bath.  Gong meditation.  I took a friend tonight, someone not into much alternative stuff.  She asked, “There’s not water involved?”  LOL.  No…..Better to call it a meditation, that is, really what it is.  But deep, very deep if you want it to be.

When I am there, bathed in the vibration of the gongs, and crystal bowls and the drums, I seem to be able to look at the issues in my life non-judgmentally.  I seem to get a clearer picture of what has happened, is happening.  From a different level.  It has happened so many times.  S once told me I should go every night, because I work so much stuff out when I’m there.   I’m a much nicer person, apparently.  Or at least, so he thought. I suppose it’s true, because who isn’t nicer when they aren’t stressed.  Although he was usually the one stressing me, lol. But I digress.

Tonight was no different. What I think I needed to do tonight was get back to the present moment. To stop fretting over things about which I have no control. There is so much going on in my life right now with retirement, buying a house, selling a house. Leaving here, relocating where I know three people well. Letting go of old attachments to people, places and things.

I reminded myself tonight, that my obligation to myself is to keep rising. There are those who will rise with me. There are those who won’t rise at all. There are those who will rise, catch up to me, and rise past me. We all may bump into each other in this life. But each of us has to keep rising, in our own way, on our own path. I believe that we are here, in this lifetime, to learn lessons, and to evolve our souls. So, the only thing I have to do, is try to keep doing that.

Back when my friend who is a medium suggested that S was my twin flame, she explained about that kind of relationship, how it is push pull, how one is running and is chasing.  How you are usually not in the same place based on the many life experiences.  The important thing she said to me though, was, “and you have just just keep rising.” The rest will never be known to me, if he is or is not my twin.That there is some kind of soul connection is undeniable.  I know when I’m going to hear from him, I still feel him.  I basically ignore it, but the fact is, it doesn’t matter now.  All that matters is I keep rising.

It does not involve hate and anger, blame, guilt, shame. It does not involve jealousy or selfishness. It does not involve any of the negative emotions we as humans find so easy in our interactions with others. We all have to keep rising. We can’t hold the hands of others and pull them with us, everyone has to raise themselves. If we meet somewhere, at some point, then it’s just a blessing.

When the meditation tonight was over, I was thinking about what a loving and supportive environment it is there. Everyone is there for healing. Everyone is there to lovingly support each other. I have friends who I see only at the gongs, who I have seen once or twice a month for years now. And I feel so close to them, as if we know each others souls.

It’s all about love, everything, every emotion that I have there reduces to love. It’s like numerology, reduce to a single digit. It’s like the Rumi saying I put up this morning, we are left with two desires at the end of the day: to love, and to be happy. Evolving our souls, to me, is finding a way to love more, and be happier for it.

So I go to the gongs, twice a month, to seek out unconditional love, and to find a way to be happy. For the most part, it works. I am always always, better for having gone.

Sending love and light to all tonight.

 

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Dancing Through the Insanity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Still

Posted on by learning to live like water

Still wrapped.jpg

Sometimes those cords
Are wrapped so tight
They constrict my breathing
They constrict my heart
Still.

Seeking respite,
There is only silence
In the cacophony of
Waves crashing in my head
In my soul
Occasionally
Still

So much good has happened
Since.
So much joy
Has come to me
Since.
New dreams beginning to unfold
Since.

Still,
Grief, longing,
Wondering why,
Unanswerable questions
Occasionally
Fill me with that old familiar pain.
Still.

Every day is a journey,
Every moment is now
A step away from it.
Disentangling the ties that bind
As I move away
Leaving only the love.
Still.

karma of a relationship

Thanks Megan for reminding me of this quote. 🙂

Tuesday Updates

Posted on by learning to live like water

desert sunrise

The house.

My sis has been making calls about the mold. There is a test that can be done for $375 to see if there’s a mold problem. So we’re going to order it, and try to get an extension on the contract until that test is in. All these inspections are gonna run about $1000. But at least I’ll know what I’m buying. My sis is building lots of good karma, I’ll tell you. I could never do this without being there without her. So much to organize. My sis is good at that stuff, lol, but I will be forever grateful.

Addie

I texted with Addie again today, 3 days in a row. After only intermittent convos over the last 2 or 3 months. He sent me the picture he took of the desert sunrise this morning (above). He used to do that every morning. And send a selfie of him waking up. He would always ask for one of me. I would protest. I had bed hair, no make up, you know….. He would always say, “But that’s when you are the most beautiful.” Sigh………

He is such a good guy. I hope everything is ok with the gf, and I hope he’s not falling for me again. Much as I love him, and love having him in my life, I can’t go there with him. It’s just never worked, and I’ve tried. I keep breaking his heart, as he rather succintly reminded me back in December.

The first time was because S was doing his thing, to get me back from Addie. I’d been seeing Addie for about a month, after the prison whore. But I still loved S, and S was really working it. He said everything I’d ever dreamed of hearing from him, and did everything I’d ever wanted, and I left Addie in a heart beat. (I guess that’s when he cared for me, as B said, “not in the way I wanted or dreamed of” except it was everything I’d ever wanted from him.) I was unbelievably happy for about 6 weeks, till B decided she wanted him back. Then began the S torture. Not letting me go, not seeing me much, pushing, pulling. Having a great time watching me cry over him. Getting his huge ego boost from all the tortured poems I wrote last summer. Playing the game, the great player. See how long he could get away with it. No wonder he thought I was weak, that I “broke like a little girl”. Well, I bet he doesn’t think that now.

The second time I broke Addie’s heart big time was last November, when we were talking about him coming to visit. I suggested New Year’s Eve, for a few days. He wanted to come for 2 ½ weeks. “I’ll rent a car when you go back to work, I’ll make you dinner every night….” I know he meant it to show how he loved me.  He was so excited about it. But I didn’t want it. I was not, am not, ready to have someone here every night. It’s like a commitment, and I didn’t want it. I called it off, the whole thing. I told him I wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t gotten over S yet, and I hadn’t, that was true. I had just found out a couple weeks before, the full extent of S’s deception, and I was still trying to assimilate all that bad news. I was still rebounding from all the push pull, which continued right up to the moment I found out the whole truth.

That’s my biggest problem with Addie, is that he won’t allow time for a relationship to just grow. But also, because I don’t want to be in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away. And in the desert…I could visit, but I need the water. I have to be by the ocean. There were some physical issues too, which I never mentioned to him, because he couldn’t do anything about them, and I didn’t want to make him ashamed or even feel bad because of them.

For whatever the reason, it’s nice to have Addie in my life again. No games, just a good, intimate friend. Someone you can count on. Someone who constantly fills up my marble jar. It is so nice to be reminded, reassured that there are men in the world capable of selfless loving. Who take pleasure in pleasing their woman. I hope all is well with his gf, and he’s not talking to me every day because there’s something wrong, or worse, because he’s still in love with me. I don’t want to break his heart again. But I love having a man in my life who wants nothing from me, except a little of my time, and a little of my affection, and is never anything but loving and kind. I want nothing from him but his friendship. We are more than friends, we are very close. There was a tenuous time, when I broke his heart, the last time, that I didn’t know if we would make it through as friends. But we have, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  I’m so grateful the Universe has brought him back to my life right now.  Just so glad.

All is well, as I watch the Universe self-correct, and self-organize, and help me along the way to the fulfillment of my dreams. Love and light.