Tag Archives: energy

I Can’t Help But Wonder

Posted on by learning to live like water

ethereal cords

I’m home now, with 10 days off.   I wish I could have gone to Florida to see my family but Christmas is the wrong time to fly to Florida.  I’ll go in March for half the price.

I have no big plans for the time.  I think I’ll take my two screen doors and have them re-screened.  Maybe clean up my spare bedroom that I use for storage mainly.  I have to get this house ready to sell in the spring but it at times is just an overwhelming job.  I guess because I’m by myself.

It’s good to have some real downtime, after the chaos of the last couple months.  Emotionally, I want to settle down.  I want off the roller coaster.  Most of the time I think I’m off of it, but sometimes a random thought will send me off. Or a random dream, lol. I don’t want to think about it anymore, I want to move forward.

I haven’t made jewelry in months, and it’s something I love doing.  So, maybe I’ll do some of that.  I’ve been putting all my passion into writing.  It’s really been the way I’ve worked through all the pain that was handed me because I fell in love with a man who is incapable of loving anyone, especially himself.  It made me question myself, to distrust myself.  Made me afraid to put myself out there, because I found myself loving him against the warning signs, despite his own warnings, despite the shoddy way he treated me.

Who was I?  Why did I allow that?

If you believe in past lives, there is a school of thought that we plan out our lives before we are born to experience and learn lessons for the evolution of our souls.  There is a story I heard somewhere, where one soul wanted to reincarnate on the dark side, to learn a lesson only that life could teach him. And he asked his soulmate….not to leave him behind.  To remember who he was, and bring him back from the dark.  In Many Lives, Many Masters, by Dr. Brian Weiss, he talks about groups of people who agree to reincarnate together.  This is for the purpose of helping each other with these lessons, or to work out karmic differences.  His research, and his books, are very convincing.

If you follow this blog, you may know that I have always felt a strong energetic connection to Scott.  I have always seen his soul, and not his personna as a human.  It got me in a lot of trouble!  I was constantly discounting what he did and said and how he treated me, because I felt this connection, that spanned far more than the physical distance between us.  I have always felt I knew him, even before we met.  When we met, on a dating site, he was undergoing chemo.  Instead of saying wow, I’m sorry and going on to the next one, we began to message as friends.  I just felt he was alone, that he had no one.  I had no way of knowing that, how would I?  But it was true.  We just messaged for 2 or 3 months.

I guess this is what made it so hard for me to completely let go, because I still feel like we have history, that doesn’t span much time in this lifetime, but actually spans lifetimes.  I feel like there’s communication going on that I can’t comprehend in human terms, but that brought him into my dreams so vividly that I could smell and hear and feel and taste him.

Scott always claimed to love the darkness.  I loved the light.  We had long discussions about this.  I always told  him….that  a single candle obliterates the darkness.  That the darkness doesn’t rush into the light bulb and make it dark.  Yet, he loves the long days, he pulls all his window shades wide open in the day time to let the light in his house.  I felt he loved the darkness because it allowed him to hide, in this lifetime, in human terms.  But the evidence was there that he loved the light, in his soul.

Yet, when I look at this lifetime, I have to be done with him.  There was no joy in loving him, in the end.  I can love him unconditionally, and only hope that he finds his way.  I can’t bring him out of the darkness that he is comfortable in, it’s a journey he has to undertake by himself, for himself.  Maybe all that has happened in the last few months will redirect him.  I really hope that’s the case.

Still, I feel him, even though I’ve tried cutting the energetic cords.  I know that if cord cutting doesn’t work, it’s said that you aren’t ready to give them up.  I feel like I cut them, it works for awhile, a few days, a week, and then those energetic cords somehow come in and wrap around me, so that suddenly out of the blue, I know that he is stressed, or unhappy, or angry.  It is usually negative emotions I feel from him.  I don’t ever feel that he’s happy.  And then things like the dream…blindsided me.  I was happy, he was not on my mind, I wasn’t feeling anything about him, at all…and he comes into my dream so vividly that I could hear and feel him, and makes me cry.  I could smell him when I woke up, he’d been holding me while I sobbed into  his chest.

I am going to go to the psychic again, and try to get a handle on how to deal with this.  I guess it was healthy that I made it known he isn’t welcome in my dreams, or anywhere.  And that the sadness didn’t carry into my life.  I was only angry that he found a way into my dreams.  But he didn’t make me sad again.  That’s real progress for me.

Just sometimes, I feel like I’d like to stay in touch, in case my soul promised his that I wouldn’t leave him behind, on a level I can’t even understand.  It also would explain a lot about why on a whole different level he couldn’t let go.  In human terms, he loved the adoration from a purely narcissistic view.  But on another level altogether, he was holding on for a completely different reason.

I think I sound a little crazy.  But I think I’ve managed to work out here why I occasionally have to go back and try to figure out what was going on.

I once asked him if he thought we knew each other in a past life.  He said, “Well we won’t know til we leave this life, so why spend time wondering about it?”

But I can’t help it….

 

 

Setting Myself Free

Posted on by learning to live like water

freedom

Woke unsettled this morning.  I think it’s him again, he is always so depressed before the winter solstice anyway, with the short dark days.  He’s suffered from depression for most of his life.

I want to say, well no wonder….look how he lives.

But I have to just let it go, it’s his to deal with. I did a meditation, I turned the energy back around to him, cut the cords, again.  Asked his soul to fly away and to leave me be.

I thought about his cold cold lies.  His beautiful blue eyes lying to me.  Were they laughing?  I feel sad for him, it all caught up to him, and I’m sure he’s having a hard time.  Well….so did I.  I’ve made it through, but for me it’s just a matter of recognizing him and letting it all go.  I can still see his soul, the one he won’t even acknowledge that he has. Knowing he could only do what he did, because of where his head was at.  I will always feel affection for who I know hides behind the chaos he creates for himself. But it’s like you might feel for a wayward child, not the love of a woman for a man.

He has to deal with his head being in that place, repeatedly.  Hurting people who loved him, killing off their love for him.  Leaving him alone.

Much harder to face.  He used to say he was impulsive, he didn’t have a filter.  And after would say, “Oh…man, I won’t do that again.”  He may want to rethink that lifestyle, and try to do things that won’t blow up in his face, and in the process rip lives apart.

But whatever he does, I need to actively pursue cutting the energy cords with him, sending them back to him, or into the universe.  Setting myself completely free of him.  It’s one thing to tell him about the concern over his health, but another to wake up feeling his depression over the state he’s in.

He never could let me go…so I have to set myself free.  The fact that we do not talk doesn’t mean that there isn’t intense communication being attempted at levels we cannot comprehend.

I have not heard from A again.  I may, when he leaves this woman’s house.  LOL.  I idly wonder if he’s still going to see the Michigan woman.  I hope he finds what he’s looking for, because I know that I could never be it for him.  I also know if I could have been…there would be no Tobi, no Michigan woman.  I hope he doesn’t make a mistake in his pursuit of a relationship.  He’s so impulsive, and he pushes things far beyond their natural state.  It’s like he feels he has to lock it up, or it will disappear, instead of letting it grow.  He told me the other day that I was the one who keeps breaking his heart.  I want to say….then let it be broken, and let it heal.  Like I had to to with S.  He wants to bury the pain.  He is not much more aware than S of the repercussions of what he does.

I sure know how to pick dysfunctional men.  Maybe the third time will be the charm, if I get a third chance.  LOL.  I’m going to use the law of attraction, and visualize the man I want, over and over.  Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum between total deception and total neediness.

Florida.  Maybe in Florida there is someone looking for a woman who can love, and be loved.  Who’s slightly outside the box.  And rather outspoken.  I see things pretty clearly, and am not afraid to talk about what I see.  It endears me to some people.

Even though I know energy can travel over distance, in fact, distance is not even a factor with energy, I feel like when I am moved to Florida I will feel free of all this emotional chaos.  I will have other, new chaos, as I resettle in a new place, without my huge support base.  But I think it will be a smooth transition, calmed by being close to the sea, and warm water, and family nearby.

I feel like I’ll be free there.  Finally.

The Tale of the Pendulum

Posted on by learning to live like water

Crystal_pendulums

I have a couple of crystal pendulums. For those who don’t know what they are, they are a pointed crystal, attached to a chain usually.  You hold the end of the chain in your dominant hand, and place it about 2 or 3 inches above the open palm of your non-dominant hand.  You can ask it questions and it will move one direction for yes, and a different one for no.

I have two of these.  When you get them they should be cleansed of anyone else’s energy that has handled them, which can be done with white sage smoke.  Or putting them outside under the full moon, but then you usually have to wait, lol.  Salt is also cleansing.

The crystal gets a vibration from your higher self, which is connecting to the universe, and thus, higher energy.  It will answer yes and no questions.  It’s not, obviously, fool-proof.  But it is uncanny how often in my life it’s given me the right answer.  I also use it doing Reiki, just to verify that energy is flowing.

The first time you use it after it’s cleansed, you ask it to show you yes and then no.  It can be a different for each person, and each crystal, although both of mine swing back and forth in a straight line for yes, and in a clockwise circle for no.

I try to clear my head before I use one by getting into a meditative state, trying not to influence the answer I get.   I also try to get a few feet away from any electronics.

Usually if I ask it a question, it goes very still at first.  One of my pendulums is a clear faceted quartz pendulum, and I can see it suddenly start vibrating at a very fast rate, which is only visible because of the way the light reflects in the facets.  Then it will suddenly start swinging or circling.

Sometimes it hangs really still for a long time, as if it can’t find the vibe.  I then try to visualize the person’s face I’m asking about, and where they are at the time, even their address.  Usually by the time I open my eyes again, it is swinging one way or the other.

When I got the vibe yesterday about S not being well,  I waited and asked it when I got home. I wanted to get away from the influence of the day’s crazy energy. The answer was that he was not well, which just verified what my gut was screaming at me.  I looked at the email I had drafted.  It gave up nothing, except to tell him what I felt.  It also told him I hoped he was well and able to deal with all that had happened.  And all that is true.  But I wanted nor needed any response from him.  He knows I am usually right when I have these strong connections.  But honestly with his health history I felt, really, that I should at least tell him.  So I sent it late last night.  There has been no answer.  Which is fine.  I don’t need one.

Before anyone gets all up in arms that I would contact him, understand that I am way over the heartbreak.  Even if I miss him, I know that what I miss isn’t who he is now, and it doesn’t upset me.  His making me laugh is really just a good memory.  I have an ability to talk to anyone, at any time.  I can put him in his proper place in my life.  I don’t regret the way I loved him, I don’t love him that way now.  He’s a wreck, really.  He often told me he was still grieving the end of his relationship with Betty, but he blamed her, not  himself.  He stopped talking about her about 8 or 9 months into our relationship.  Especially when I came back from Florida in March, he said he was open to a relationship, he said everything I had dreamed of hearing.  Then a few weeks later she showed up…. but he wouldn’t let me go.

At any rate, I’m over it.  I can talk to him, if he felt the need, but I don’t need to talk to him.  I just felt that he should know what I felt about his health.  Because I can’t help it that I have this connection to him, whatever it is.  It doesn’t really feel like I’m tied to him, or corded.  Just that I had information that might be good for him to know.  That’s it.  He has it now, and I can let it go.

I had to learn how to do this with my ex.  Four years in court, and a son to deal with.  I am able to put whats behind me, behind me.

The pendulum also tells me that she won’t ever forgive him, or take him back.  It could be wrong.  The pendulum isn’t fool proof.  Maybe it’s just reading the energy as it is now.  It’s been less than a full month since she found out that the whole time he was with her, he was with me too.  I’ve had almost 3 times that long to absorb the loss, although I only found out when she did that he was also with her the last six months that he was with me.

I hope the pendulum and I are wrong about his health.  As for Betty, I was just curious.  I don’t really care.  But I do think he’s cashed in all his trust chips with us both.

To The Shore, Or Not….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sleep did not evade me last night!  I got about 8 hours, albeit broken by waking up every couple of hours.  But I got back to sleep pretty easily without Ambien.  Yay!

My energy is my own this morning, and that feels good.  No angst, except about how I’m going to do everything I want to do and still maybe get to the shoreline, lol.  Grocery shopping first, my fridge is so bare! And putting the outside lights up, which shouldn’t take all that long.  I promised my son I’d make cookies too.

The shore is about 45 minutes from me, which means an hour and a half drive time.  Maybe an hour there.  Maybe take a pad of paper and my kindle, read and write.  Or just use my phone to write.  I think I need to go.  Need those negative ions that blow off the water and connect to my soul.  The endless sky and water, and the islands, the places of my dreams that are also places I have some warm memories of.

I have some memories of S at the place I would go.  (That’s a pic of it at the top of the page.)  Our first date, which ended because the park closed.  We spent the whole day together there by the water, just walking and talking.  It is also the place where he first told me he wanted to be alone, it was last spring, and figure out what he needed to do with his life. He said, “I think I’m gonna break your heart again.”  I answered with a smile, “Again?” We walked on the beach, we sat at a picnic table, we walked around the park and talked.  I didn’t get upset, at all.  I remember he was turned around as to where he was in relation to the water and the islands, and insisted that one island was another.  These were the waters I lived on, on my boat, for 30 years, so I told him when we walked up on a ridge he’d see I was right.  And of course I was.  I laughed and said, “See….here you have a woman who knows the waters around here like the back of her hand and you don’t want her…”  He looked at me and said, “It’s never been a question of not wanting you.”

I asked if it was a temporary or a permanent break, he said “I didn’t think temporary  was an option.”  I told him that I think he probably needs to do it, and if he wanted he could just check in with me when he felt like it, let me know how he’s doing.

Obviously, that was all because Betty was back in his life, I know now.  Why he didn’t want to tell me the truth I don’t know.  But at any rate, when I didn’t get upset and just was a friend to him, he asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner (which never meant just dinner).  So much for not seeing me anymore.  I said to him, “you just said you wanted to be alone….” He said, “but I like you so much when you’re like this….”  Lol.

I do think he had a soft spot for me, and in some warped way wanted to keep me in his life, while he kept her.  It’s just too bad that he couldn’t own the truth with me.  He could have kept me in his life if he had, as a friend.  If he could own what he’s done now, we might be friends again.  I never could hold a serious grudge.  Even for this, if he’s learned his lesson and can stop lying to me. I would never be intimate with him again, but we could at least talk, he could still make me laugh.  Maybe.  If he could own his story, and stand up and be counted.

Of course, he may be holding a grudge with me, for making him tell her, for bringing the truth out.  But I think, really, he knows that it’s his own actions that caused the situation.  Not the fact that I insisted the truth be on the table.

At any rate, I don’t feel like I’d be triggered into anything if I go there.  I feel like it’s all a story of my past now.  Distance and time have given me back my own life.

Time for me to get my day underway, if I really want to get everything done today.

 

 

A Little More Stable Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

The “S” energy stabilized today, for the most part.  Thankfully.   There was some sadness, kind of being a little depressed, but that might have just been me, because I didn’t sleep much, I’m tired, I had a lot to do.  It wasn’t strong, I didn’t investigate.  Just let it be and let it go.  It seems to be all gone.  The Reiki also probably was working on me that I sent him last night.  The cool thing about giving Reiki is that you get it when you give it, as it passes through you.  I hope it helped him, if he needed it.

Actually feeling myself today as the day wore on.  Like seeing reality, and being happy taking care of my house, and making a nice meal for my son and I.  Got my kitchen really cleaned today, cleaned out the fridge of all the uneaten Thanksgiving leftovers.  Got my floors done, my own bedroom cleaned and sheets changed.  I’m really tired, but I think I’ll sleep tonight without the Ambien.  I ended up taking one at 1:30 last night, trying to shake off the worries that weren’t even mine.

I finally talked to my bff about the group she’s putting together to help seniors.  It’s called “Sisters for Seniors”.  She’s looking for people who are willing to visit seniors once a week or so, that are living at home, but don’t see people often, and can’t really get out on their own.  Mostly, for the human connection.  I can offer a couple of hours on a weekend.  During the week is hard, because I work such long days.  But we’ll see.  She’s just getting it started, so she doesn’t have a list of people yet.  I think I’ll look for other opportunities to give back over the Christmas vacation too.  I need to be doing something outside of myself.

Not sure about going to the shore tomorrow, even though it will be a beautiful day.  I guess I’ll see how I feel in the morning, and then decide.  It might be a good day to find seaglass on the beach, since not a lot of people will have been walking the beach this time of year picking it up.  I have a dish of seaglass, but I also like to use it for jewelry.  I have a piece of purple glass, which I wire-wrapped a long time ago.  Found it on Cuttyhunk Island.  Anyway, now that I know how to wire-wrap better, I may redo it.

I may stay home and put up my outside Christmas lights, and take a walk with a friend.  I could use the exercise.  But then….the salt air….idk.  I’ll see.  Nice choices to have.

 

 

 

Energy-Laden Random Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling all over the place this morning.  Trying to put this stuff in some kind of random order, so I know where I am.

I went out with a friend last night.  First time I have been out in ages, maybe since S and I split up.  It was good for me.  We went to a little Italian restaurant and sat at the bar.  It’s in a small town on the Connecticut River. A band began to play at 9, and opened with Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”, which is one of my favorite songs of all time.  Then they did Van Morrison’s “Caravan”.  Also love that.  Love Van Morrison.  Then they did 2 Neil Young songs, “Old Man” and “Heart of Gold”. Love him too.

It’s been AGES since I listened to live music. They were pretty good too, and funny between songs.  They could have used a sax on the Van Morrison stuff but it was still great.  I was sitting in my bar stool, singing along, kind of seat dancing to it.  I laughed when they played Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down” because the first time I saw a psychic, I was battling with S over his offers of a “nice afternoon”, aka a physical relationship.  And the spirits and guides that showed up, the psychic said, came in singing that song.  She, the psychic, had never met me before, and only knew my first name.  She said, “they’re singing Stand your ground, don’t back down.”  My friends kept looking at me while she was telling me this, we had just discussed this on the way to the psychic in the car.

So here I was listening to this music, first “Into the Mystic” which S always said was his favorite Van Morrison song, and Neil Young.  One night S and I watched a 2 hour special on Neil Young.  I remember laying in his bed one afternoon listening to a Neil Young CD, such a pleasant afternoon.  And then “I Won’t Back Down” which made me laugh.  Lots of his energy hanging around me.

It was around all day yesterday, I was feeling his energy.  Strongly in the morning, not so much in the afternoon.  Then last night at about 1:30 I was wide awake and had some very strong feelings from him.  I fought with myself not to do what I would have done 2 or 3 months ago and sent him a text asking if he was ok, or wanted to talk.  It felt panicky.  But I didn’t.  I knew that doing that would end up in the wrong place, would be taken wrong.  And just because I feel it, doesn’t mean he wanted to talk to me.  If he did, or does, want to talk to me,  he knows how to reach me.  I let him deal with it himself, and finally got to sleep by sending him reiki to calm him down energetically.  Of course, he didn’t ask, but if he doesn’t want the reiki energy he won’t get it.  It will just hang outside his aura.  It can never hurt….  I felt everything calming finally, maybe it just calmed me.  But anyway, I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep finally.

Thinking  of going to the shore this weekend.  We are having exceptional weather for December.  Sunny, not too cold. I need to put up a notice at the yacht club to try to sell my boat slip, and I haven’t been to the water for a long long time.  It would do me a lot of good.  Maybe take a sandwich over to the park where S and I had our first date.  It’s a beautiful place.  I don’t think it would trigger anything bad, but would bring some peace.  Maybe tomorrow, it’s going to be close to 60°, which is crazy here in December.

So it’s all good.  I’ll get a lot of stuff done around the house today, make a nice dinner for my son and I.  Maybe catch up with some friends.  Just a nice quiet life.

 

Actually Did Find Some Balance

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a group meditation in town this morning.  It is a new group, there were about a dozen of us.  It was a guided meditation, and was very nice, lasting about an hour.  The woman who guided it said it was her spiritual teacher’s birthday and this was her way of paying tribute.

After it was over, we each shared our feelings about it.  Most of the participants were not experienced with group meditation, but really, that’s how I learned to meditate.  I used to go to a weekly group.  We would lay on mats on the floor, with blankets, in the dark.  The facilitators would talk for awhile, we would contribute to the conversation, and then they would play crystal bowls for about an hour.  They had about a dozen, it was really lovely.

What I shared this morning, was that I loved the intensity of the meditation.  The energy of a dozen people participating is not 12 times the energy of a single person alone.  The energy increases exponentially, so that the energy of 12 people becomes more like 1200.  There is each person, and whatever they bring to it, and then there are the spirit entities that accompany them.  The energy increases exponentially.

It can be pretty amazing.  I could feel that spiritual guidance I have called upon so often this week, in more intensity, as everyone called in their own guides.

The girl at whose yoga studio this meditation took place knew my friends who do the gong baths.  We began to talk about the sweat lodge that they also put on, and I told her they are having one next Saturday, and I was considering going.  I’ve been once before and found it to be the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had.  However, you have to be able to give up a whole weekend day to it, because you come home so exhausted, emotionally and physically.  Since next weekend is a 4 day weekends, I am really considering going. I think it would do me a lot of good.

The girl I went with works with me.  I knew she had an interest in learning to meditate, and I offered to go with her, thinking that after all the drama/trauma of the week, a second group meditation after the gong bath might be good for me.  After it was over we chatted in the parking lot, and she said, “I keep wondering if I did it….”  Then she said, “I was surprised how fast the time went though. I thought it was about 20 minutes and the hour was up.”  I said, “Then you did it!  Because you escaped the time space continuum, if an hour turned into 20 minutes.”  It was fun to see her register that she may have visited another plane of existence for awhile.

After the meditation, I went to the grocery store with the rest of the town, lol, to do Thanks giving shopping.  And of course ran into a couple of my really good friends there, and had to stop and talk.  Finally, my son called  said, “Are you coming home Mom?”  LOL.  I have done a lot of bonding in the  pasta sauce aisle.

Talked to a good friend on the phone about our love lifes, or lack thereof, lol.  My cousin came over, and is starting a blog.  I will post a link to her blog when she puts up a post.

It’s a good day.  Feeling that I maybe achieved some of the balance I was looking for this morning.

Love and light.

 

 

 

Turning the Love Inward

Posted on by learning to live like water

Letting go?  Have I really done it?  For the last month, I have thought I had many times, then a wave would wash over me, I would remember his cruelty in the way he dumped me, I would be so jealous that he was with her.  The pain would try once again to drown me. I don’t know, this is different.

I just don’t care.

And I can still say, as in the poster I have on my last blog, that I love the 100 things about him still, and always will.  I feel affection for the memories and the man, I just don’t feel the pain.  I am ready, and moving, on.

Whatever that dream was….I am sure it allowed me to energetically let go, which is what I HAD to do. Our connection has always been so energetic, more than any other way.  I don’t feel the pull.  I don’t feel wrapped up in his energetic energy cords.  My body, my heart, my soul, once again are free to shine.

I still have him blocked, for the time being I will leave it that way.  This is our last text.  You will see how juvenile it is…

last text

When I blocked him, I wasn’t even mad. I was just sick of it.  Sick of the juvenile conversation.  Sick of the bullshit, of listening (or reading) him say whatever was convenient, whatever he thought would change my mind.  Or, having to deal with his anger when I didn’t change my mind, and put the truth in front of him. This conversation had gone on for the entire month since he let Betty Boop back into his life.  I didn’t tell  him I’d call the police because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to give him any way to access me. I needed it to stop, fully and finally.  It was over.  He pretended to end it, the day he chose her, but he couldn’t really let go.  So I finished it off.

Four days later, as if because there was no other way, he came into my dream, trying to still convince me, continuing the conversation.  Telling him then, in the midst of love-making, to leave….and standing my ground, surprises and now, delights me.  Delights me, because I took my life back, when I was the most vulnerable, I was still strong.  I let go.

I want it to remain finished, so I will leave him blocked.

And I will become stronger and stronger. My light will get brighter and brighter, until it dazzles the man I’m looking for.

Feeling my happy self this morning, the way I was 2 years ago, before he showed up in my life, to teach me this lesson.

The lesson, that I am worthy of love and belonging, that no one can make me feel otherwise.  That people all have free will, to learn their lessons or not.  To set themselves up to repeat them over and over, til they choose to learn them, or to learn them quickly, and move forward.  In the grand scope of things, I am not unsatisfied with the length of time it took me to get this lesson.  It was important.  Unconditional love is not just for others.  It’s for ourselves too.  First.  I loved myself enough to let go.

Friday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a kind of rough day.  I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often.  I found myself missing who he was months ago.  It’s painful, it can become so intense.  I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me.  And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return.  Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend.  We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.

So these things help me crawl out of the slump.  If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier.  Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I.  The flirting, the innuendo.  And then his inability to truly let me go after.  But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go.  Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again.  No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.

So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him.  In full recognition of who he is this morning.  I’m excited about the future for myself.

I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night.  He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know.  That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream.  I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water.  Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches.  Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there.  I would like that.

When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends.  We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat.  But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone.  I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved.  I reclaimed it, for myself.  Ii will do that with the other places S took me.  He once asked me not to take another man to these places.  It is an unfair request.  I’m not going to lose these beautiful places.  I am going to make new memories.

A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me.  He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?”  LOL.  Nope.  I’ll be more careful.  I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story.  I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease.  I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.

Onward.