Tag Archives: friendship

It’s Supposed To Be This Way, Isn’t It?

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I always thought the winter solstice was today, the 21st.  But it’s actually tomorrow morning at 4 in the morning, GMT.  But tonight is the longest night of the year.  Tomorrow, the shortest day.

And then, the days get longer.  Sigh.  Dreams of summer begin to float in my mind.

Long days, days at the beach with good friends.  The Beach Whores, we call ourselves. Any Beach Any Time.

I may be moving this summer.  I hope.  Last summer was my last full summer here, and I can thank Scott for making sure it was an unhappy time in my life, playing his narcissistic game.  Except when I was with my friends, which gratefully I was.

However long I am here this summer, even if it’s all summer, I will enjoy the whole thing.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even find someone to sit out on the deck with me and stargaze.

But now, it’s winter, the world sleeps, Christmas is upon us.  Then the New Year.  The short days and long nights give us pause for retrospection and introspection.  What lessons did I learn from the last year? What direction do I now want my life to take?

I’m still kind of on a happiness hangover from having such a good day yesterday.  The gongs brought up some stuff, and I dealt with it Saturday, really just sat with it, and it came up, and it went.  The place where it was, that old sadness and pain, was filled with joy on Sunday.

I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?  The old stuff comes up, and if you don’t try to re-bury it, but honor your feelings, they just dissipate, and we can allow joy to come in.  Because, I think it’s there, just waiting.

Happy solstice everyone.

 

 

Amazing Wonderful Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

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What a wonderful day.

First of all I managed to sleep until 6 AM, which is a major feat for me.  I sat with my computer for a couple hours, and read and blogged, and thought, and meditated.  Two and a half hours passed without me even noticing, caught up in my own world, in my own passions, in my own thoughts.

Then my son came up from his man-cave in the basement, his (maybe) girlfriend had spent the night. (He’s been seeing her on and off for a long time, and I love this girl.) So I had breakfast with them and that was very nice…since he cooked!

Then I showered and went to my bff’s and we made Christmas cookies, 5 different kinds in 4 1/2 hrs….about 35 or 40 dozen.  It was like a cookie factory, but it was so much fun, we laughed so much, we are like a well oiled machine when we start this.  We’ve been doing it for years.  Her daughter and her daughter’s best friend, college girls now, helped.  That was just added joy and fun.  And I got the belly laughs I have been missing, along with the love of an old, long friendship.

While I was there, another friend texted me and asked me to go out for a drink later, in the late afternoon. Another old, long friendship.  Just a drink,to talk, to catch up.  She also just ended a relationship in which she was so immersed, so crazy about the man.   It was just like mine with Scott’s, anyone and everyone knew it was bad for her….and she finally was able let it go.  She still misses him from time to time, but she knows better now.

So when I got done with the cookies, I came home, got dinner started for my son, and went and sat at the bar at a local watering hole with her, and we laughed, and talked with other people at the bar, and had a GOOD time! What a wonderful way to wrap up the weekend, and begin the week!

Am I, dare I ask, dare I say it, HAPPY????  Maybe???

I came home, I put together dinner, with what I had started for my son (and he ate while I was gone for a couple hours) and put on the Sunday night show on OWN that I love, called Super Soul Sessions.  Last week she had on Brene Brown and Tim Story.  The first hour was a repeat, but honestly, I’ve seen the Brene talk (on the Anatomy of Trust) already a half dozen times and will watch it probably a half dozen more.  The second hour started with Elizabeth Gilbert.  The “Eat Pray Love” author who I idolize (along with Brene Brown, lol).   Liz Gilbert was so profound, she got a standing ovation.  Her subject was on finding and following your curiosity, to find your passion….she is amazing.  She is followed by Michael Beckwith, about participating in your own coming out, your own growth.

God, I am happy.  I have no attachments at the moment, to things that bring me down.  I can see them, and feel compassion, I do not feel the need to get wrapped up in them.  I feel the need, conversely, to be myself, to follow my own path, to listen to the inner voice inside me, to do what feels right to me, in my gut.  To love people….to extend love.

OMG, I AM happy!!!  I AM content. I am in love with my life.  I am happy with where it is going.  I am at peace with the past, and the present, and looking forward to what each day will bring me.

What a wonderful day!  To let go of those things that have dragged you down, and to realize that the possibilities are really, indeed….infinite.  I just heard someone say “Happiness is the joy you feel when you move toward your potential.”

Yeah, I’m happy.  😀

 

 

 

 

Non-Monogamy?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Another weirdly warm December day today. Yesterday it was in the mid-60’s, today will be similar, but cloudy not sunny.  We are all loving it.  Our heat doesn’t go on, we don’t have to wear 5 layers of clothes to stay warm, my winter coat has not come out of the closet yet this year!

Awesome, just awesome.

I don’t know what’s going on with A, he was acting weird last night.  He did finally text me, and quickly said “goodnight sweetie” then began to talk about his date Friday night.  How she’s nicer than the last woman he dated, and how she’d invited him and his son to Christmas.  I said, “Wow, on the first date….”  because that actually seems a little weird to me, to ask someone on the first date to come to your home for Christmas.  I will say he exudes kindness and love, but still…just seems a little needy on her part or something to me.  And on his, to accept that quickly.  To me, coming to someone’s home on Christmas speaks to a closer level of connection than a single date.

But then I began to think how he’s going to meet the Michigan woman in a month…and this one wants him for Christmas, and I wondered…and asked… “Did you tell her about Michigan?”   Because, really…someone who is asking you to Christmas on the first date obviously likes you and I would guess she’s not thinking about being one of many partners.

He didn’t answer.  At all.  I have not heard since I asked the question.

Maybe he feels it’s none of my business, but we are close friends, I can ask him anything, I thought, or tell him anything.  And if he’s going to get chummy with this new woman, she should know his plans.  I will always advocate having the truth on the table.  Anything else is just self-serving.

I’m thinking I don’t really like this new thing he’s doing, deciding that he doesn’t want to be monogamous.  He said he wants to learn to share better. ??? I think it’s an idea he picked up from the Michigan woman, who last week, was “off with her other boyfriend.”   Speaking from experience, it’s a recipe for disaster.  When he told me that a week or so ago, I said,  “I can’t do that, Addie.  Scott would have loved it if I could, but I can’t.”  Reminding him of the pain it caused me.   It is incongruous with the man I have known for the better part of a year, for him to not be monogamous, for him not to be forthcoming about his intentions with others.  I’m not jealous, I’d love for him to find someone who loves him madly.   I can’t love him that way, and lord knows I tried, but it wasn’t there.

I’m afraid he’s a mess.  And I still know if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, he’d give it all up….  I don’t know if he’s more hurt than he will admit by my not wanting him to come here, by my not wanting to have an intimate relationship with him and is trying to fill the hole.  I’m not tuned into him like I am/was (hopefully was) to Scott. So I can’t read it that well from 2000 miles.

Well, I’m not going to obsess over it.  Things change, and it seems he is too.  If this path continues, we won’t be so close anymore, because I can’t admire what he’s doing at the moment.  I’ll miss him, but it is what it is. I’m still grateful to have him, to have had him in my life, he’s never treated me with anything but love and respect, except for his little anomaly yesterday asking to come see me after he’s been with the MI woman.  But it does show where he’s headed….not a good thing.

 

To The Shore, Or Not….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sleep did not evade me last night!  I got about 8 hours, albeit broken by waking up every couple of hours.  But I got back to sleep pretty easily without Ambien.  Yay!

My energy is my own this morning, and that feels good.  No angst, except about how I’m going to do everything I want to do and still maybe get to the shoreline, lol.  Grocery shopping first, my fridge is so bare! And putting the outside lights up, which shouldn’t take all that long.  I promised my son I’d make cookies too.

The shore is about 45 minutes from me, which means an hour and a half drive time.  Maybe an hour there.  Maybe take a pad of paper and my kindle, read and write.  Or just use my phone to write.  I think I need to go.  Need those negative ions that blow off the water and connect to my soul.  The endless sky and water, and the islands, the places of my dreams that are also places I have some warm memories of.

I have some memories of S at the place I would go.  (That’s a pic of it at the top of the page.)  Our first date, which ended because the park closed.  We spent the whole day together there by the water, just walking and talking.  It is also the place where he first told me he wanted to be alone, it was last spring, and figure out what he needed to do with his life. He said, “I think I’m gonna break your heart again.”  I answered with a smile, “Again?” We walked on the beach, we sat at a picnic table, we walked around the park and talked.  I didn’t get upset, at all.  I remember he was turned around as to where he was in relation to the water and the islands, and insisted that one island was another.  These were the waters I lived on, on my boat, for 30 years, so I told him when we walked up on a ridge he’d see I was right.  And of course I was.  I laughed and said, “See….here you have a woman who knows the waters around here like the back of her hand and you don’t want her…”  He looked at me and said, “It’s never been a question of not wanting you.”

I asked if it was a temporary or a permanent break, he said “I didn’t think temporary  was an option.”  I told him that I think he probably needs to do it, and if he wanted he could just check in with me when he felt like it, let me know how he’s doing.

Obviously, that was all because Betty was back in his life, I know now.  Why he didn’t want to tell me the truth I don’t know.  But at any rate, when I didn’t get upset and just was a friend to him, he asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner (which never meant just dinner).  So much for not seeing me anymore.  I said to him, “you just said you wanted to be alone….” He said, “but I like you so much when you’re like this….”  Lol.

I do think he had a soft spot for me, and in some warped way wanted to keep me in his life, while he kept her.  It’s just too bad that he couldn’t own the truth with me.  He could have kept me in his life if he had, as a friend.  If he could own what he’s done now, we might be friends again.  I never could hold a serious grudge.  Even for this, if he’s learned his lesson and can stop lying to me. I would never be intimate with him again, but we could at least talk, he could still make me laugh.  Maybe.  If he could own his story, and stand up and be counted.

Of course, he may be holding a grudge with me, for making him tell her, for bringing the truth out.  But I think, really, he knows that it’s his own actions that caused the situation.  Not the fact that I insisted the truth be on the table.

At any rate, I don’t feel like I’d be triggered into anything if I go there.  I feel like it’s all a story of my past now.  Distance and time have given me back my own life.

Time for me to get my day underway, if I really want to get everything done today.

 

 

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.

Return to Happiness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy.  I bet it’s been months since I felt happy.  Just happy with myself.  Happy with my life.  Happy to be independent.  Happy to have so many good friends.  Happy that I can stand up and be counted.

I got so much done today, the cleaning frenzy continued until 5 PM, when I quit and was exhausted. So now I’m on the couch, on my second glass of cabernet, watching Sex and the City.

I will wait til I move to Florida I think, to do any serious dating.   Really, I need the time to myself.   It seems stupid to get involved if I am moving.  And God, I can’t wait to move.  I’d do it tomorrow if I didn’t have a house to sell.  Ready for palm trees and beaches that never close, warm water, tropical breezes and family and friends, no more winter and no more drama.

I will miss my friends, but they all say, “Go!  We need a free place to stay there….”  And have made it clear they will reciprocate in the summer.  So it’s the best of both worlds.

I’ve not had any energetic spikes that I can’t identify since yesterday morning.  That’s been a huge relief, to know I got the help I asked for. Every second, farther down the path of my own life.  My solar plexus and sacral chakras are fine.  Nothing stirring them up.

I’m thinking there’s someone there for me.  Someone who loves to laugh, and play and only needs one woman in his life.  Especially at this age.  I think that most people, when they get into their 60’s, are done with the games. I know I am.

I always eat at Whole Foods before the gong bath.  Their pizza rocks.  I also always load up on dark chocolate there, they have so many different kinds!  So tonight I have my choice of 85% dark, dark with crystallized ginger (my all time favorite), dark lemon ginger (which is awesome) and dark chocolate with sea salt.  Should last me a couple weeks.

Life is good.     Been a long time since I could say that.  I’m free, with wine, and good chocolate, phone calls with good friends.  Yes, life is good.  Been a long long time since I could say that.

Love Never Hurts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I started having a text convo with A last night, we were joking about how it rained in Santa Fe all day yesterday.  Santa Fe is out west in the desert, so it was a completely unique experience there to have a day of rain.  I asked him how it was going with his new girl, he said well.  I told him I was dating.  We began to talk about our relationship, and how we love each other but are happy for each other.  Suddenly he was calling me.

He missed me, I missed him.  But we love each other enough to want each other to be happy.  I told him I wished I’d made different choices when he was here, but then, I would have been heart-broken when he left.  He said, me too, but I’ll take a heartbreak for a real love affair…..

I was protecting myself, I guess, is what I thought.  (And now I realize that I was headed for the biggest fall, the most pain and hurt I could imagine.)  I wasn’t done with S, but am so done now, and I have missed A the last few days, when I was tired, and not feeling well,  I told him too, and he tells me.  I would have loved, when I was exhausted my first night back to have curled up next to him and gone to sleep, knowing I was safe in the arms of a man who loved me.  He also has those moments.

But he said, he’s pledged his fidelity to his new girl, and I’m just happy for him, because I know she is a great woman if he did that.  He said he has not told her he loves her….We both said that to each other last night.  He wants me to find someone who adores me, as I do him.

It’s a true, intimate, sweet, deep friendship.  His woman knows about me.  Obviously does not know the intensity of the conversations we have, but they are rare.  We have a special connection, maybe because when I first met him, and before we were seriously going out, his wife, who died 18 months ago, came to me in a dream.  I had never seen her, didn’t know at the time it was her, until I saw her picture about a week later on his FB page, and realized it was her in the dream.  He had told me he didn’t believe in God anymore, he was so devastated by her loss.  So I told him, about the dream, and told him, I think she came to me, because she knew I would tell you, and you would know she’s still around, that you didn’t lose her…

At the time he just hugged me, and in the days following, told me I gave him his spirit back.

The night before he left, when he told me he loved me, we were laying in his bed, just cuddling.  He wanted me to spend the night, and I didn’t, because of S. S and I were in one of our momentary breakups but I still loved him, so I didn’t feel right to spend the night with A.  I wish I had stayed, and had that memory.  But it was a sweet, warm, loving memory anyway.

He has repaid me, 100 times, being there for me when I was crying over S, he reminded me that I have value, and deserve to be loved.  And that he was willing to love me.

We will always be close friends.  His new woman is a lucky one, but I’m sure she knows it.  🙂

What was with S, in the end, was just pain.  And love never hurts.  And what was with A, still is, and it never hurts.

Lovely Vacation

Posted on by learning to live like water

Adironacks 060

It was lovely to get away for a few days.  Especially to a place so beautiful, so remote.  My friend is involved with so much in her extended community.  Her little village has 90 year round residents. One up the road has 1000, in the other direction there is a little town of about 2,000 or 3,000.  The schools are all consolidated, and include kids as far as Lake Placid, 70 miles away. My friend taught music to almost every kid in 50-70 mile radius that lived there year round.  Of course, these numbers go way up in the summer.  Cool there in the evening and the morning, up to maybe 80°F during the day.

Because of this, she knew someone everywhere we went. In Lake Placid, she was friends with the docent at the hockey rink..  We ran into other folks who recognized her on site.  She took me for a brunch cruise on one of the lakes that has 99 miles of shoreline. She and her husband took me to a play of local and some Broadway actors who live in the area in the summer.  It was all really wonderful.

Then, of course Lake Placid, was just a little story book village.  When the Olympics were held there they did not level part of the town to build the facilities.  They put them where they would fit, and didn’t destroy the magic of that wonderful little village.  For instance, the high school is directly across the street from the hockey rink.  And at the bottom of the front steps is the speed skating oval where Eric Heiden won 5 Olympic gold medals. I kept saying I can’t imagine how motivating it would be to go to high school with those facilities as part your daily life.  (The Lake Placid high school hockey team won their championship in 1980….)  You can stand on the hill and see the ski jumps, which kids were practicing their arrial jumps on, landing in a pool.  The toboggan run is a water slide in the summer ending in Mirror Lake.

Of course, the hockey rink was a huge deal for me. I was texting pictures to my son from there, he was texting back “I’m so jealous!”  The town still has Miracle on Ice memorabilia all over town, the names of each player on the team are on the walls of the rink.  My shock was what a small venue it was, maybe 5000 people could fit in there. But then, that was the year, and the game, that changed the face of the Olympics.  I was standing there, in the rink, and could almost hear the chant “USA USA USA USA”.  I remember watching the game back then at home, on TV, and it was just awesome to be there 35 years later, as a hockey mom whose kid played for so many years.

We also saw the 1932 Olympic rink.  It had so few seats, it was quite comparable to rinks my son played at.

We did some souvenir shopping, had lunch.  The surroundings are beautiful, that part of the Adirondacks, near Lake Placid are called the High Peaks, which include Whiteface Mountain.  That ski resort was the site of the Olympic skiing that year, and is visible from anywhere in town.

Then we drove back to their beautiful little village, and had dinner.  We reminisced a lot, got caught up.  Her husband is a great guy, I had only met him briefly once before.  But he has a great sense of humor, a little off beat, he can make me laugh, and anyone who can make me laugh is a special.  He ad my friend have a great marriage, calm, happy, live and let live, while caring deeply for each other.

It was a good place to get rested up, (I slept 7 or 8 hours every night) and try to figure my own stuff out.

I texted and talked to S while I was there.  I am still making no predictions for us.  He may come here tonight…but then again, I told him if he still has the feeling that he might want to date other women he will be disappointed if he comes.  So…I don’t know.  I’d love to see  him, but I’m not gonna set myself up for another heart break.  I hope he gets it….  I friggin love that man.

Every time I go away, I end up realizing how much I care for him.  Every single time.  So I need to somehow figure out how to protect my heart, and follow it.  Talk about a minefield. At least I cut A loose, because he was a distraction from what i need to deal with.  I have not heard from him since Friday.  We had no unkind words, but I’m not going to initiate communication with him, because it’s really better for me and for him, to end it if I have no intention.  He jumped way ahead, making assumptions that he didn’t know to be true, and then making plans based on them.  He and S are on the opposite ends of that spectrum, S hates making plans even a few days in advance.  I wish there was a happy medium.

Back to my life now.  I’m off the rest of the week.  My son and I are going to do something Thursday.  My best friends daughter’s graduation party is Saturday.  I asked S if he wants to take Friday off from work and do something with me, which he never answered.  (I have asked  him twice before if he could take some time off when I’m off and he said he would, but then we’ve split up and reconnected probably 3 times since then, so I have no expectations.)

So.. life goes on. No resolutions, but the conversation has turned caring and kind and flirty, instead of angry, and hurtful.  Just trying to stay with it.

On Vacation, Finally!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am officially on vacation for a week.  No work.  Sigh.  Tomorrow I drive up to the Adirondack Mtns of upstate NY.  It should be a beautiful 4 hour drive.  Through the Berkshires Mts of Massachussetts, and then the Adirondacks.   It will be the longest trip I’ve ever taken alone.  Me and my music and my thoughts.  It’s going to be a beautiful day.

Today, I pretty much cut A loose.  We will remain friends, but it always creeps toward intimacy and I just can’t go there with him.  #1, I don’t feel it for him.  Sometimes, I wish he was around, because he is good to me, it’s all about me, but then, it’s just too much for me with him.  I don’t know if that’s because I am such a one-man woman, I just don’t feel right being intimate, even just talking, with someone when I want to be with someone else.  And I don’t want to maintain an intimate relationship with anyone that I might see once or twice a year.  Long distance is not what I want.

And that someone else, well, there’s not much to say about him. I’m not saying I want to be with him, because that means something different to each of us.  Right now…we are on opposite sides of the moon, (he’ll say he’s on the dark side of the moon I have no doubt).  But whatever, even though I miss him so much, I am not willing to go over to what he wants, at least what I think he wants.  He tells me I am wrong about him, but not how I am wrong.  I only have his words and actions to go by.  Could be that he doesn’t know what he wants, or that it changes frequently, neither of which is bad, it just implies that he needs time to himself to figure it out.  Maybe it means that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  We used to laugh over that phrase, who doesn’t want to eat their cake?  But I think it’s meant to convey that you can’t have it both ways, i.e. he can’t have me only when he wants me, so until he wants more of me, he can’t have me.  Or it could be that I’m just wrong, but I don’t feel like I am.  Idk, S….talk to me.  Tell me.  I’m listening.

On top of that, it infuriates him that I write about him here.  It’s a problem, because he is so much a part of my thoughts, I can’t write a cohesive complete thought without mentioning him.  I will try though, I will try out of respect for his wishes.   It’s just another way in which we are opposites.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will put myself out there.  I believe vulnerability is just necessary, as Brene Brown says.  Suffice to say, S does not wear his heart on  his sleeve.

I had my pre-op exam this morning.  They told me it would take a half hr.  It took almost 2 full hours.  EKG, blood work.  On top of it, they had a new software system that no one could use well.  I tried to get a cup of Starbucks after, but you could tell I was in a different world than the one where I live when there was a 10 car line there at 11 in the morning.  I didn’t get any coffee, suffice to say.  I had work waiting….UGH.

I am pretty sure I left work in good shape, no orders waiting to ship, nothing that anyone had to finish for me.  I was stressed out to the max til about 5 when I realized I would finish it all, and did, by 5:45. So I can vacation in peace, knowing I won’t walk into a huge mess when I get back.  My department, which is just me, did the best in the whole company last month.  And for the year I have already doubled the total sales for last year.  I should be on commission, lol.  But all I get is OT, and too much of it as it is.  Getting too old for this.

I keep thinking, I could collect soc sec now, and work 20 hrs a week at a supermarket or something to make up the difference.  It is doable.  Then I could spend all winter getting the house ready to sell, not stress over the frigging snow and cold, or, more importantly, my job.  I may give that some serious though in the coming months.

Well I need to go pack.  I will be in the warm, familial embrace of my friend and her family for a few days, a welcome respite.  Her heart is on her sleeve too.  I probably won’t be on here nearly as much for a few days, though I’m taking my computer, because sometimes I have to write like a compulsion.  The picture at the top is where I’ll be til late Tuesday.

Looking for Honesty

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I missed S, to the point that it hurt.  I miss the laughter, the feeling of being tuned in to him.  I don’t even know for sure that I was, but it felt like it.  Anyway, I sent him a text telling him that I missed  him.  Also that I don’t think that changes anything, but that I just wanted him to know I missed  him.  I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, my heart is always on my sleeve, and I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted make sure he knew where I was at, that I didn’t just, and can’t just, boot him out of my life callously.  I still, and I’m sure always will, love the man that he is.

It doesn’t change anything.  Missing him does not mean I want to go to bed with him and have him leave in the morning, or a few hours later, it doesn’t mean that I give up my desire for a whole relationship, it just means that I miss S, the man that he is, having  him in my life regularly.

This morning this brought me to thoughts about A.  I realize I am just trying to put a bandaid over the missing of S, the wound that can still bleed from time to time.  I am not ready to be intimately involved with anyone, and I am going to tell A this. That while I love him and appreciate him as a close supportive friend, I am not comfortable with the level of intimacy that he wants, that I see coming in the last few days, and that I have gone along with, because I was lonely.  I can’t allow myself to be that lonely, I can’t allow myself to use A to fill someone else’s space in my head or my heart.

Tomorrow I go to upstate NY for a few days.  I intend to do some soul searching there,, and find the right words for A.  Then I intend to get back to the healing process, of letting S go.  I hope so much that S feels free, that he is feeling like he is free to go and find what he wants.  Who knows, he may find someone else, he may find that he wants me.  But I don’t want him to be with me by default, any more than I want to be with A just because he’s available to me and loves me.

I still feel a connection with S.  I also know that he has a lot of his own work to do.  He survived cancer, he survived a break up that was painful for him.  He is ready, chronologically to retire, but has no plans because he doesn’t know what he wants to do.  I have to respect that, I have to let him go figure it out.  I am wary of being “just friends” with him, because it always immediately turns sexual, and that means different things to each of us.  For me it always will come with attachment, and that’s exactly what he doesn’t want.  And I don’t want it without attachment.

I don’t feel as pained this morning.  I am able to sit with it, and let whatever comes come, and go.  I need to deal with A soon though, I feel dishonest with him.  And I hate dishonesty.

Here’s to a better day today.  I’ve had no response from S to my text.  I unblocked him, I don’t know i I should have, but I did. Going with my gut on that, not overthinking it.  Maybe I’m ready to talk now, maybe I should talk to him before I go away.  IdK.  I will leave it be for now.

I feel like some resolution to some of my stuff is bubbling up, and that’s a good thing. Mostly, right now, I am searching for honesty, from myself the most, regarding both of these men.

UPDATE:  I told a this morning. I’m never been able to put off an unpleasant task I need to get them over with.  It turns out he’s fine with it.  He thought he was maybe going to come east and would come see me for a couple of days but his plans have changed anyway. And seriously all he’s looking for is the same thing S is, friends with intimate benefits, he’s just does a better job of presenting it.  He loves me but he’s not in love with me.  Which was of some great relief to me. I told him I’d stay in touch. That’s a load off my mind. Now if I can just sort out my feelings for S,  who I still love but need to let go of.  One down one to go.