Tag Archives: healing.

It’s Supposed To Be This Way, Isn’t It?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy-Winter-Solstice-12.png

I always thought the winter solstice was today, the 21st.  But it’s actually tomorrow morning at 4 in the morning, GMT.  But tonight is the longest night of the year.  Tomorrow, the shortest day.

And then, the days get longer.  Sigh.  Dreams of summer begin to float in my mind.

Long days, days at the beach with good friends.  The Beach Whores, we call ourselves. Any Beach Any Time.

I may be moving this summer.  I hope.  Last summer was my last full summer here, and I can thank Scott for making sure it was an unhappy time in my life, playing his narcissistic game.  Except when I was with my friends, which gratefully I was.

However long I am here this summer, even if it’s all summer, I will enjoy the whole thing.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even find someone to sit out on the deck with me and stargaze.

But now, it’s winter, the world sleeps, Christmas is upon us.  Then the New Year.  The short days and long nights give us pause for retrospection and introspection.  What lessons did I learn from the last year? What direction do I now want my life to take?

I’m still kind of on a happiness hangover from having such a good day yesterday.  The gongs brought up some stuff, and I dealt with it Saturday, really just sat with it, and it came up, and it went.  The place where it was, that old sadness and pain, was filled with joy on Sunday.

I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?  The old stuff comes up, and if you don’t try to re-bury it, but honor your feelings, they just dissipate, and we can allow joy to come in.  Because, I think it’s there, just waiting.

Happy solstice everyone.

 

 

This Letting Go Is Hard-Ass Stuff

Posted on by learning to live like water

where the light comes in

As quickly as the melancholy came, it left.  Maybe because I got to have a real adult conversation with my son and his (maybe) girlfriend.  Maybe it’s because I got into making a traditional soup for Christmas.  I used to always make it, it’s my mother-in-law’s recipe, and it made my son happy.

It was probably a lot about the gongs, and what bubbled up, that memory of Scott holding my hand, that had to be let go of.  Often, you don’t feel the work of the gongs, or stop feeling it,  for a few days.  It was all symbolic.  That he wouldn’t let go of my hand, or me.  That I had to let go of him.  And now I have to let go of that memory.  All about letting go.   That’s why I remembered it then….to help me really let go.

I thought about, am thinking about, taking some soup to my ex, leaving it on his doorknob.  But I think he is always there.  I don’t want to run into him, really.  I just feel bad for him, all alone at Christmas.  I know it’s what he wants, I know he set himself up for it.  But he’s been alone at Christmas since 2008.  Even his sister doesn’t want him at her house.  Too much chaos, bullshit, lies.  It’s hard on those who cared about him.  It’s why I don’t want to run into him.

This letting go stuff is hard-ass stuff.  But when you can actually get there….even if it’s not forever, it’s so freeing.  Maybe it’s just one layer, that I managed to let go of today, but I did it.  No worse for the wear and tear.  Better than holding on to a memory that was sweet…and a manipulation to make me believe I mattered.  Realizing that it was Sunday, I realized now that he came to my bed from hers.  Really feeling special about that one….lol.  I don’t suppose she’d be feeling much different than me, if she finds out.  She might…she has the link to my blog, though I don’t feel like she’s reading them anymore.  Whatever.  The hurt, and the beauty, of the moment is gone.  A casualty of the massive deception.

But I’m still here.  I’m still me. I’m still someone with a wonderful life.  He didn’t kill me….Wounded, yes.  But the light got in.

 

 

Peeling Back the Layers

Posted on by learning to live like water

Wistful

I just got home from a gong meditation.  I had no intention going into it.  But I was tired, I didn’t sleep well last night.  And work this week was beyond crazy.  I was so happy to end the week with the gongs.

This week was another week in letting go of old stuff.  There was the thing with Addie, there was the strong vibe I had about Scott’s health, and then for a few days I felt no connection to him at all.  Which was a relief, because I mostly worry about him when I feel connected.  Which is, I know, kind of crazy, considering he’s the one who caused all this heartache and pain.  I wish I didn’t see his soul so clearly.  But I do, I’m going to have to deal with it somehow.

Tonight at the gong bath,  my friends who put it on suggested because it is the Christmas season, that we (there were about 20 or 25 of us there) say the names, or at least put the names out into the universe, of anyone we know who needs healing of any kind.  I thought of my 94 year old mother, who had a massive stroke over a year ago, leaving her unable to speak, read, write and partially paralyzed.  Yet, she goes on.  She laughs on the phone.  But we all know she’s ready to go on.  Her memory is failing and though she knows who her daughters are, she can barely understand some basic things.  Like my sister makes her get out of her wheel chair so she won’t forget how to walk.

I also thought of my ex, of Scott, of Betty, of Addie.  And sent healing energy to all of them.

I was soon into a deep meditative state…lying there in the dark, snuggled under my blanket.  I wanted to let go of the past, if anything.  But I kept remembering one afternoon last summer when Scott and I feel asleep spooning, and he had reached around me and was holding my hand and wouldn’t let go.  It was in the summer, so he was seeing Betty then on the weekend unbeknownst to me, although that may have been a Sunday, I don’t remember.  I guess it must have been if it was the afternoon.  I don’t know why I couldn’t stop that image while I was so deep.  I guess it was so symbolic, now, of how he wouldn’t let go of me all that time.

I’m not gonna lie, it made me sad to remember that tender afternoon.

I began to say the Ho’oponopono, to myself.  To say I love you, to myself.  To try to become strong enough to let go of that memory, and the rest of it.

I think I regained the stillness I had last night and this morning.  I hope. It wasn’t a voice in my head, it was just a memory, embedded deep in my heart.  I wasn’t holding a conversation about it with myself, I was just remembering it, in living color.  Feeling it again.  There are a lot more where that came from, and I need to let them all go.

I really do feel for Betty.  I don’t know her at all…..but I am pretty sure he convinced her he would never cheat on her again, for her to take him back.  And she had to deal with him being with me too, the whole time he was with her.  That’s hard.

And Addie…trying to fill holes with every woman he meets.  Not letting himself feel what he feels.  He tells me I keep breaking his heart, and I know I have a couple times, because I could not love him the way he wanted me to.  Then instead of allowing himself to heal from that, if it’s true, he jumps into a relationship with the first woman he dates, and the first woman he meets on line.  I know him well….it’s not because I’m on some kind of ego trip about him, I just know how he is.  I know how we were, I know how he buries his pain.  I do believe that he loved me very much.

My ex…I don’t even know what to think about him.  Living in the teeny cottage next door to our old house.  Not working, all alone.  He probably needs healing the most, and is the least likely to ever crawl out of the depths he’s fallen into.

I recognize now, that it was all another layer of pain that I peeled off the onion tonight.  It was not painful, not in the way it has been in the past.  It was more wistful, just some sweet tender memories from before it all blew up.  Before the explosion of emotions that ended in such destruction.  I’m glad to have a few real moments to remember besides all the sadness in the months leading up to to that explosion.

I am grateful to have the gong meditations to work through this stuff.  Since I was going through my divorce, it has been my biggest healing tool.  To go there, and let whatever is ready to come up, come up, and for me to see it, feel it, honor it, and let it go.

Setting Myself Free

Posted on by learning to live like water

freedom

Woke unsettled this morning.  I think it’s him again, he is always so depressed before the winter solstice anyway, with the short dark days.  He’s suffered from depression for most of his life.

I want to say, well no wonder….look how he lives.

But I have to just let it go, it’s his to deal with. I did a meditation, I turned the energy back around to him, cut the cords, again.  Asked his soul to fly away and to leave me be.

I thought about his cold cold lies.  His beautiful blue eyes lying to me.  Were they laughing?  I feel sad for him, it all caught up to him, and I’m sure he’s having a hard time.  Well….so did I.  I’ve made it through, but for me it’s just a matter of recognizing him and letting it all go.  I can still see his soul, the one he won’t even acknowledge that he has. Knowing he could only do what he did, because of where his head was at.  I will always feel affection for who I know hides behind the chaos he creates for himself. But it’s like you might feel for a wayward child, not the love of a woman for a man.

He has to deal with his head being in that place, repeatedly.  Hurting people who loved him, killing off their love for him.  Leaving him alone.

Much harder to face.  He used to say he was impulsive, he didn’t have a filter.  And after would say, “Oh…man, I won’t do that again.”  He may want to rethink that lifestyle, and try to do things that won’t blow up in his face, and in the process rip lives apart.

But whatever he does, I need to actively pursue cutting the energy cords with him, sending them back to him, or into the universe.  Setting myself completely free of him.  It’s one thing to tell him about the concern over his health, but another to wake up feeling his depression over the state he’s in.

He never could let me go…so I have to set myself free.  The fact that we do not talk doesn’t mean that there isn’t intense communication being attempted at levels we cannot comprehend.

I have not heard from A again.  I may, when he leaves this woman’s house.  LOL.  I idly wonder if he’s still going to see the Michigan woman.  I hope he finds what he’s looking for, because I know that I could never be it for him.  I also know if I could have been…there would be no Tobi, no Michigan woman.  I hope he doesn’t make a mistake in his pursuit of a relationship.  He’s so impulsive, and he pushes things far beyond their natural state.  It’s like he feels he has to lock it up, or it will disappear, instead of letting it grow.  He told me the other day that I was the one who keeps breaking his heart.  I want to say….then let it be broken, and let it heal.  Like I had to to with S.  He wants to bury the pain.  He is not much more aware than S of the repercussions of what he does.

I sure know how to pick dysfunctional men.  Maybe the third time will be the charm, if I get a third chance.  LOL.  I’m going to use the law of attraction, and visualize the man I want, over and over.  Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum between total deception and total neediness.

Florida.  Maybe in Florida there is someone looking for a woman who can love, and be loved.  Who’s slightly outside the box.  And rather outspoken.  I see things pretty clearly, and am not afraid to talk about what I see.  It endears me to some people.

Even though I know energy can travel over distance, in fact, distance is not even a factor with energy, I feel like when I am moved to Florida I will feel free of all this emotional chaos.  I will have other, new chaos, as I resettle in a new place, without my huge support base.  But I think it will be a smooth transition, calmed by being close to the sea, and warm water, and family nearby.

I feel like I’ll be free there.  Finally.

The Tale of the Pendulum

Posted on by learning to live like water

Crystal_pendulums

I have a couple of crystal pendulums. For those who don’t know what they are, they are a pointed crystal, attached to a chain usually.  You hold the end of the chain in your dominant hand, and place it about 2 or 3 inches above the open palm of your non-dominant hand.  You can ask it questions and it will move one direction for yes, and a different one for no.

I have two of these.  When you get them they should be cleansed of anyone else’s energy that has handled them, which can be done with white sage smoke.  Or putting them outside under the full moon, but then you usually have to wait, lol.  Salt is also cleansing.

The crystal gets a vibration from your higher self, which is connecting to the universe, and thus, higher energy.  It will answer yes and no questions.  It’s not, obviously, fool-proof.  But it is uncanny how often in my life it’s given me the right answer.  I also use it doing Reiki, just to verify that energy is flowing.

The first time you use it after it’s cleansed, you ask it to show you yes and then no.  It can be a different for each person, and each crystal, although both of mine swing back and forth in a straight line for yes, and in a clockwise circle for no.

I try to clear my head before I use one by getting into a meditative state, trying not to influence the answer I get.   I also try to get a few feet away from any electronics.

Usually if I ask it a question, it goes very still at first.  One of my pendulums is a clear faceted quartz pendulum, and I can see it suddenly start vibrating at a very fast rate, which is only visible because of the way the light reflects in the facets.  Then it will suddenly start swinging or circling.

Sometimes it hangs really still for a long time, as if it can’t find the vibe.  I then try to visualize the person’s face I’m asking about, and where they are at the time, even their address.  Usually by the time I open my eyes again, it is swinging one way or the other.

When I got the vibe yesterday about S not being well,  I waited and asked it when I got home. I wanted to get away from the influence of the day’s crazy energy. The answer was that he was not well, which just verified what my gut was screaming at me.  I looked at the email I had drafted.  It gave up nothing, except to tell him what I felt.  It also told him I hoped he was well and able to deal with all that had happened.  And all that is true.  But I wanted nor needed any response from him.  He knows I am usually right when I have these strong connections.  But honestly with his health history I felt, really, that I should at least tell him.  So I sent it late last night.  There has been no answer.  Which is fine.  I don’t need one.

Before anyone gets all up in arms that I would contact him, understand that I am way over the heartbreak.  Even if I miss him, I know that what I miss isn’t who he is now, and it doesn’t upset me.  His making me laugh is really just a good memory.  I have an ability to talk to anyone, at any time.  I can put him in his proper place in my life.  I don’t regret the way I loved him, I don’t love him that way now.  He’s a wreck, really.  He often told me he was still grieving the end of his relationship with Betty, but he blamed her, not  himself.  He stopped talking about her about 8 or 9 months into our relationship.  Especially when I came back from Florida in March, he said he was open to a relationship, he said everything I had dreamed of hearing.  Then a few weeks later she showed up…. but he wouldn’t let me go.

At any rate, I’m over it.  I can talk to him, if he felt the need, but I don’t need to talk to him.  I just felt that he should know what I felt about his health.  Because I can’t help it that I have this connection to him, whatever it is.  It doesn’t really feel like I’m tied to him, or corded.  Just that I had information that might be good for him to know.  That’s it.  He has it now, and I can let it go.

I had to learn how to do this with my ex.  Four years in court, and a son to deal with.  I am able to put whats behind me, behind me.

The pendulum also tells me that she won’t ever forgive him, or take him back.  It could be wrong.  The pendulum isn’t fool proof.  Maybe it’s just reading the energy as it is now.  It’s been less than a full month since she found out that the whole time he was with her, he was with me too.  I’ve had almost 3 times that long to absorb the loss, although I only found out when she did that he was also with her the last six months that he was with me.

I hope the pendulum and I are wrong about his health.  As for Betty, I was just curious.  I don’t really care.  But I do think he’s cashed in all his trust chips with us both.

Reiki, Gongs and Kokopelli

Posted on by learning to live like water

the cove

There were some other notable things that happened yesterday, but I didn’t want to mix them in with my realizations about grief and loss last night.  That was such a big deal for me, because I was able to accept that I will feel it, I was able to release some of that and feel free to let my self cry if I need to.  I’ve been refusing to cry over him any more.  Now I realize that what is left is not about him, but about the emptiness left after the destruction was cleared away from my psyche.

Yesterday I went to lunch at the cove.  It was an incredible day for December, it was in the low 60’s, much more like October, or April, than December.  The sun was out and I had the windows down on my car, breathing in the fresh clean air.  The picture above is one I took while I was there.

But when I got there I felt unsettled, nervous, really out of nowhere.  I suspected it was an energy cord from S.  I sat with it as best I could.  I ate my lunch, I read for a little bit. Finally, I put on some meditation music, lifted my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and decided to send him some reiki.  Again, it can’t ever hurt, it’s God-energy and if he doesn’t want it, he won’t get it, but it’s there if he’s open to it.  Giving it calms me down, because the same energy that I send, passes through me and works it’s magic.  It worked for me, I didn’t feel it any longer after sending it for about 15 minutes.  In fact, I was really in a much better space all afternoon at work.  I’ve kind of decided whenever I get these cords from him, this is how I’ll deal with it.  It is a loving thing to do, which doesn’t attach me to him.  And it always helps me.

Then last night when I got home from the gongs at about 9, I stopped at my mailbox and there was a thick padded envelope from Addie. (“A”).  I smiled, to see his handwriting on the envelope.  He calls me Deborah often, not Deb, and addressed it that way.  Inside was a small box, on which he’d drawn a couple of red hearts.  Inside was a pendant of Kokopelli in southwestern colors.  I love it so much.  Kokopelli is such a happy god, and that’s the way I feel often.

But what a wonderful thing to find, and receive, after that rather intense gong bath.  Here’s a guy who can love with his whole heart, knowing that the outcome won’t be what he wants, but happy to love anyway.  I do love him, so much, because he asks nothing except for me to care about him, which I do.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, he is such a contrast to those who would play games, and wreak havoc on people’s lives and their own.  He owns his story, he stands in it.  He is such a blessing in my life.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but his friendship is a gift from the universe.

I guess yesterday was a day of growth, and understanding, and love….I figured out a way to deal with S’s energy spikes that is loving and helps me, I understand why it is so hard to get over this relationship, and then as a reward, had Addie’s unconditional love at the end of the day.

Blessed.  Just blessed.

Dealing with Grief and Loss from a Relationship

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to the gong meditation tonight.  I picked up my cousin who goes with me, who is going through some family stuff, and she was talking about grief.  I don’t like to talk too much about S anymore, because I don’t feel like I’m grieving him, but she was talking about it generically.  She said, it’s just grief, Deb, it’s a loss.  That’s all, it’s just grief that we have to work through.

During the meditation, what she said was rolling around my head, and my heart.  The gongs and crystal bowls facilitated a very deep meditation.  I thought how can I be grieving HIM, I mean….after what he did to me, how could I grieve him?  Because in all honesty, I don’t think I do any more.  I don’t have that visceral pain that I had for the first 30 or 45 days when I thought of him. The pain that would wake me in the middle of the night sobbing into my pillow. The pain that came out in anguished poems, that made me keep texting him, talking to him, even though I knew he was with her, because I knew he’d egg me on, tell me he missed me, tell me to come see him.    I had no doubt if I’d allowed it, we would have been naked in bed together in no time.  I missed him with ever fiber of my being, and it hurt.

But after 4 or 6 weeks, I had somehow moved out of that pain, it no longer seared my heart to think about him, or him with her even worse.  I did what I had to do to heal myself, and began to move on.  When the depth of the lies and betrayal became known, I just wanted to get away from it all.  And did….have not talked to him since, and I know for a fact I don’t want that in my life.

But every once in awhile I still get an ache, and I can’t imagine why.  But my cousin explained it without trying.  There is loss, there was a part of my life that was full, it was rich for awhile, and now there’s nothing there.  It’s like a hole in my heart that he used to fill, and now he doesn’t, but neither does anything else.

Grief. Loss.  This is what takes the longer time to heal.  The pain and betrayal we can rationalize, we can know it was wrong, that it hurt, we can learn a lesson and go on.  The general grief and loss, the hole that is left empty when you lose someone you loved, I guess has to be filled with something else.  A passion for someone or something else.

I pour it out in my writing, I have been working hard at work, mindfully, to keep my mind busy. I have been talking to friends, reading, trying to fill the space, taking care of my house, trying to love and appreciate the people who are in my life.  But I think it’s a slow go.  That’s the wound that’s hard to heal, it just has to fill with the light, and the light will shrink it til it’s gone, I guess.  But it’s a process.  It will just take time.

So I’ll keep going to the gongs and searching for the light to fill that hole.  Tonight I continued with the Breathe in Love, Breath out Scott.  I also did the Ho’onopono (I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you) to myself, for the hole in my heart put there by choices I made.  I started thinking about all the people I know that have real issues to deal with and started saying it for them.

The gongs crescendo, the tsunami of sound, and I was crying, releasing the tears that I refuse to cry anymore. They weren’t for him, they were for me.

It’s just loss now.  It’s grief and loss for something I had that now I don’t.  I know Scott thinks it’s my fault I feel it, because I insisted he tell her.  But the loss happened long ago, it started over the summer during the weight of lies I was sitting in, it happened the day he told me he was going to be with her, it happened every day that he tried to engage me, after I knew about her and I had to say no.  Then it was covered up with anger, when I found out the depth of his betrayal and deception, and covered up by disgust, when I realized he did it to two of us, juggling our hearts in some cruel game.

But the anger is gone, the pain is gone.  Now there’s just loss to deal with, and to grieve.  I’ll let it come, and I’ll grieve, and I’ll fill my heart with loving people who need it, and want it.  That hole will be filled with gold one day, golden light.

WTF Was I Thinking Yesterday??

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”

Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text.  THAT was the universe watching out for me.  Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good.  Geezus.  It’s closed up tight again in his direction.  Open in all others.

I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer.  And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.

We texted a LOT.  Like every day, morning, noon and night.  Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating.  He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it.  I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity.  I kept that small amount of self-respect.

But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again.  I mean, seriously.  I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face.   I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him.  Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers.  I just went from hating him to pitying him.”  And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.

He’s right, S is to be pitied.  That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her.  When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love.  They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)

So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.

So, ok, I am not angry.  He is his own worst enemy.  I pity him.  But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life.  OMG.  I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe.  To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me.  And that’s a maybe.  He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.

The truth always outs.  I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out.  I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe.  The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.

So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it.  Maybe he got it and ignored it.  Whatever it was, GOOD.  I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him.  I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth.  I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together.  That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her.  (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back.  I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.

He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything.  I just wanted him, but I can want someone else.  Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement.  Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring.  He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.

As for me…I can forgive.  Right now.  I’m not even mad anymore.  But forget?  Invite that lunacy back into my life?  No fucking way.  LOL.  Yes, I feel strongly about it.

Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good.  Blessed, just blessed.

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.

Feeling Content

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

contentment-275x206Putting up Christmas decorations today. All but the tree. I’ll get to that maybe tonight, the lights at least. The rest of it tomorrow.

I didn’t go to the sweat lodge today. The sweat lodge tends to be emotional, a way to release, to reconnect with yourself at the deepest level. It’s good, sometimes. But I have been emotional now for so long. Riding the roller coaster of emotions, I just didn’t want to be emotional today. Or this weekend. I am sick of my emotions, sick of crying, sick of being angry, sick of it all. I just want to move on, and live a normal life, with all that chaos and drama in the past. Where it belongs.

So, in addition to the Christmas decorations I did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, put stuff away as I took stuff out, lol.  I also managed to get my new computer updated so I could install the printer without freezing the computer.  And I had to work at downloading Open Office too.  But I got it all done, seems to be working ok.  Every time I installed the new printer on this computer it would lock it up and I’d have to reset it to the initial settings.  Grrr.

Then I sat down to take a break. I found a movie I’ve wanted to see on On-Demand, for free. It was A Winter’s Tale, with Colin Firth and Russell Crowe. I had a few mixed emotions about it.

Scott had given me the book last spring, one of the last times I was at his house. It was a nice gesture. He said he just thought I might like it, a blend of fantasy, and fiction, love across the ages. A few weeks later he began to push me away, because she was back, unknown to me. I loved the book, it is one of my favorite books now.

One of the many times I tried to break it off with him, he asked me to give him the book back. He’d also given me another, Jitterbug Perfume. I guess at some point, I got angry with his little offers of a “nice afternoon” or to come over after work, and never stay. I told him not to come at all, if he wouldn’t stay. What he wanted I didn’t. I sent both books back to him after buying my own copies off of ebay for less than $5 each, including shipping. The break-up didn’t last, we reconciled after a few days. I probably gave in to him, but he might have come for the night too, that happened a couple times. I was just so crazy about him. Geezus.

Anyway, there was a lot of his energy around the movie. I was pretty sure I could deal with the triggers. As it turned out, there were not really any triggers, but the movie was well acted but terrible if you’ve read the book. I didn’t see how they could make a movie of it that would run less than say, 5 hours. Well they did, because they changed the story, and left out huge important parts of it. So….read the book, don’t watch the movie, lol.

The other book, Jitterbug Perfume, is in my desk at work. I started it before we broke up, I read the first few chapters and liked it too. But I’ve picked it up since and it just made me angry and hurt, and I can’t even look at it. Now that I have the facts, I just get disgusted looking at it, so it will stay in my desk drawer at work, where I will hardly ever see it.

Last night I slept without Ambien for the first time in months. I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel, it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain. Then I kept taking it when Scott dumped me, so I could get 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I’ve been afraid to not take it, afraid I wouldn’t sleep. But last night I did ok. I woke up a couple times but got back to sleep.

I got a couple messages from men on a dating site, (NOT OKCupid where I met S!). I’ve messaged with one of them before, and he said he’s looking forward to talking this week. That would be nice. The other guy wrote a very funny message, he made me laugh. Very outside the box, interesting writing style. He’s not my type physically, but his message made me laugh so hard, I answered it anyway. You never know. I love to laugh.

Talked to A this morning for a long while. He has met a woman in Michigan on-line….I was like, A, it’s so far!!! He wants so badly to be in love, he still loves me so much, I know. He told me so twice this morning. But he’s respectful of my wishes, of the fact that I don’t want a long distance relationship, that our chemistry isn’t like that for me. He says he’s going to go to MI to meet this woman, that’s almost as far as here. I’m afraid for him but it’s his deal. He said he will talk to me about it. I told him to trust his gut, that he doesn’t need my energy in the mix. (He said it already is.) I really want him to be happy. He is such a good loving soul. We have never lied to each other, never led each other on. I know I have broken his heart, a couple times, but I did it honestly, I let him know what was going on, and how I felt; He was never blindsided. I owned it, and I stayed with him while he dealt with it. We have had some very tender moments, moments which were real.

It’s nice to have had a few tender moments that were real with a man.

Last night he said he probably needs to live alone for awhile. Because he never has. He lost his wife to cancer in July of 2014. His son lives with him. He said, he is trying to learn how to “uncouple”. I told him I’ve been uncoupled for a long long while (9 years). I don’t include having been with Scott as having been a couple. I was crazy in love with him, but he never let us be a couple. I look back and have to just let it all go, I don’t think it meant anything to him at all.

My son is having “Friendsgiving” tonight at our house.  That should be interesting.  They will stay in his space, he said they’re all bringing food.  I love that energy.

It’s been a nice day, just getting stuff done, no exhausting emotions around anything. Feeling content, looking forward with a smile.