Tag Archives: healing.

BLOCKED. FINALLY. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

I blocked him. Finally. No contact is definitely the path I need to follow. I realized on the way to work today that nothing he could say would make me feel any better about the way he broke me, willfully, with premeditation.  Like a monster.  And that anything he had to say would most likely make it worse. 

So I told him that in a text and told him he is blocked . He knows he can leave a voice mail. And I haven’t blocked email, yet.  

But as I have said since the beginning of this nightmare Saturday, there is no way back from this. I would NEVER expose myself to this kind of damage again. EVER. 

It is a huge relief, to have finally come out of the fog of so much pain. I’m not over it yet, the treachery is just so broad. But I made a huge step this morning in letting go, so that I can fully heal. 

Sigh….finally I can get on with the business of healing all my broken pieces. 

Loving What Is, Until There’s Something Else

Posted on by learning to live like water

Not knowing is hard

But maybe not as hard as the knowing?

If I don’t have the answer yet,

then the possibilities still live,

Right?

To stay in gratitude for what is,

at the moment.

The cool clean air

the early morning sun streaking golden across the sky.

The blanket wrapped around me

And the happy memories filling my head this morning.

What is, is all there is

Until there’s something else.

Moment to moment

forgive yourself and others

and be free.

Alchemy

Posted on by learning to live like water

Wednesday I went to my endocrinologist, for a routine checkup for diabetes.  She is in a huge medical building, with an attached garage that has about a dozen parking levels.  I parked on level H, and walked down the ramp to the elevator.  When I came back, I went back to level H and my car was not there.  I walked around and around, and couldn’t find it.  I was sure it was stolen, the parking place I was in was empty.  I was freaking out, silently.  I went to the attendant, and she called security, who drove me through the garage til I found my car on level F.

God, I was SURE it was level H.  Positive.  Which just goes to show how my mind works.  Not only was I sure it was level H, I was sure it was stolen.

But there in lies a microcosm of how I have been living my life.  Very wrong about so many things, and making up stories in my head, which I fully believe to be true, until, oh there’s the car in front of my face, right where I left it.

By the time that was done, and I was safely in my car, on the way back to work, I texted S to tell him, it wasn’t stolen, it was on level F.  And then I said, “I need you to come see me, before I lose my mind.  Will you come see e tonight?”

After he realized I wasn’t kidding, he indicated he would come.

And there was S, willing to drive an hour see me, with back pain so much he could barely walk, when I had done the same to him, making up a story I fully believed to be true.

I can’t get over how allowed my egoic mind to just take over for the last 10 days.  This man I care so much for….maybe he didn’t communicate to me exactly the way things were, maybe he is imperfect.  But he expected the best from me, not the worst, and that is worth so much.

All I needed to do when he said she is back in my life is ask what that meant.  And I would have found out it meant, they could talk, they were friends of a sort.  And if I could have calmly said, why should I be happy, I would have found out it was because he had so many unanswered questions about the ending of their long term relationship, questions that kept popping up and preventing him from healing from it.  That maybe now he can move past it, and free his heart up?  (That’s just a guess on my part….) To be honest, we didn’t talk that much about his break-up with her, almost 2 yers ago.  I thought his questions had been answered, when he met with her over a year ago and found out she was married.  I also felt it was not my business why they broke up, it was his.  But still, now…it kind of overflowed into my business, and if I’d have asked why I should be happy, calmly, not accusingly, I would have saved a whole lot of pain.   If I had been listening, with my heart and not my stupid fearful mind, I would have heard him when he said “I want you to be happy, you know it’s all I’ve ever wanted” meaning, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  Me.

When I understood that Wednesday night, I stopped dead in my tracks.  As the realization came to me, how absolutely asinine I’d behaved, I just cried.  I could name all the reasons I was fearful, but the point is, you can’t just be loving and soulful when it’s easy.  To remain loving, when it’s hard, is the true measure of how deep your convictions run.

I hate, absolutely hate, that I sent all that negative emotion, all those untruths about him into the universe.  I hope the universe can work it’s wonders and perform some alchemy and turn lead into gold, and let that stuff come back in it’s new form to him.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach.  I feel like I don’t know who I am.  Everything I believe in my heart is the opposite of who I became over the last 10 days.  Jumping to conclusions, wrong conclusions, not asking questions, cutting off communication, just so my ego could feel big and inflated and powerful.

It is so difficult to look at yourself, and not like what you see.  Sure there were a lot of things that added up to making me believe what wasn’t true, but the fact is, I was expecting the worst from him, while he expected the best from me.  And he gave me the best of him, and I gave him the worst of me.

I can’t undo what was done, but I can rethink the way I behave.  I am so grateful that the universe helped me to lose my car in the parking garage, so I would find it and see how I make up a story, and don’t question it at all, and believe it to be true.

S was right where I left him too….not with her.  With me as much as he ever has been, and willing to put the effort in to get through the mess that was created.

I had a gong bath last night.  An hour long vibrational healing meditation.  Boy did I need it.  S used to say to me, the day after a gong bath, “You should do that every night.”  Because it helps me so much, in regaining center.  Wednesday night he was my gong bath.  He helped me regain center, and see who I was and who he thought I was.  I liked who he thought I was better than who I was.  I will try to deserve his belief in me.

Not Sure It’s Possible

Posted on by learning to live like water

  I’m not sure of the answer. I’m inclined to say “you don’t”. But I get through each moment that I think of him fondly by remembering the ugly that came with it. I absolutely know that if we got together again, in 2 weeks the ugly would show up, and make me regret it.  So I remain by myself, open to the possibilities. One day at a time.  

Conscious Healing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Not too much to say this morning, but that goes so much against my nature, I feel the need express it, lol..

First of all, it is hot and muggy.  Real summer weather.  Closed the house up and turned on the AC again.  I would love to be at the beach, but didn’t make any plans, so am not.  The beaches will be wall to wall anyway, so I’m probably not missing much.  This is my kind of weather.  It’s why I can live full time in Florida.  I can take heat.  I cannot take cold, snow, heating bills.

I have been dealing with carpal tunnel syndrome for about 5 months.  I kept putting off getting it fixed, because surgery scares me, the expense scares me (I have one of those wonderful high deductible plans), and I didn’t want to miss work. But it’s been getting progressively worse.  It keeps me up half the night, I am taking 3 to 4 ibuprofen before bed and an Ambien to help me sleep through it and even that doesn’t always work.  Last night was particularly bad, because I did so much housework yesterday with it, especially preparing the seafood gumbo.  Lots of slicing and dicing.  So, Aug. 28 I am having the surgery.  And I will only miss one day of work for sure…it’s so simple now, it takes literally 10 minutes…(the dr. said, yeah it takes 10 minutes if there are delays….)  I should have done it ages ago…stupid…..

I am a great believer in the emotional component of most physical ailments.  Louise Hay suggests that carpal tunnel is brought on by railing against the injustices we see in the world.  My friend who is a spiritual counselor and is even more tied into alternative healing than I am, says, “You’ve been giving too much.  The right hand is for giving, the left for taking.  and you are out of balance.”  I think that is possibly true, regarding some of my, well one of my relationships.  So maybe it will improve now that that is no longer in my purview.  I think it is possible that the emotional aspect is not just giving, but giving to someone who doesn’t want it, and is not receptive to the light.  Because overall, giving acknowledges having, and the more you give the more you have.  But trying to lift someone out of darkness who professes to seek the darkness, is stupid, and unfulfilling and a waste of time.  So when the energy gets thrown back at you in a negative way, and upsets you, I would guess there are some physical ramifications.

Until you learn to do the Byron Katie thing, and say, “It’s not my business that he likes the darkness. It’s his.  I have to stay out of it (and in my case, away from it….)”

And you know, he has/had so many health issues, I think his longing for the darkness is giving him what he wants.  He should be content.  I am content to have only a couple of issues….and I know where they came from. Diabetes, from not taking in the sweetness of life for 40 years.  And the carpal tunnel.  I have had what I thought to be arthritis, bad, actually was thought to be rheumatoid arthritis, but in the past months, the symptoms have basically cleared themselves.  Just very minor stiffness in my fingers now, and even that is improving.

Some friends I have in alternative healing said to me, “Put your hand into a tight fist for 5 minutes and then release it.  It hurts…..You held on too tight for too long.”  And yes, that was true.  Louise Hay suggests arthritis is from feeling unloved, from criticism. and resentment.  All of which were true in that long nightmare of a marriage.  It seems that I’ve been out long enough (8 1/2 years), and have learned to like myself, love myself, that the symptoms are subsiding.

Pretty cool.

I guess I am at the moment, just living in the moment.  And grateful for being able to sit out on my deck and listen to nature, and feel the soft breeze that occasionally drifts by.  And just kind of let my mind go where it wanted.  Which apparently was to healing…..spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Love and light….

The Second Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day 2 of no contact with S.  It was much easier, I was much less angry, less confused, less bitter. He runs through my mind occasionally, as in “Why the hell would he treat someone that loved him like that?”  Because, God, I loved him so much.  But I have been able to quickly shake the thought out of my mind.  He did.  He does.  Repeatedly.  I don’t know why.  And it doesn’t matter why.  The fact is he does, and I am free of it.   And what of the love I felt for him?  The unconditional love remains, but I don’t want to see him or talk to  him.  The passionate love, the desire to be with him, is, as Pink Floyd says, “receding”.  Such a perfect description. I can breathe again.

My son and I happened to both be home for dinner tonight.  He put some chicken jalapeno sausage on the grill while I had a glass of wine.  Then we added a whole bunch of food that he brought home from Bobby Flay’s restaurant at the Mohegan Sun Casino, Bar American.  One of his friends is a chef there, and that’s a GOOD connection to have!  He said the kitchen is allowed to comp their family and friends….he paid for 2 appetizers, two entrees and desert, they comped him 4 more appetizers, another entree, another dessert.  Way more food than any two humans could eat, and unbelievably good.

The best part was that I got to sit and eat with my son, and chat with him for awhile, not something I often get to do.  He’s 23, and now we have these adult conversations, lol.  About his girl, my issues, plans, time off, when’s the lawn going to get cut, etc.  Out in the summer evening, warm but not hot.  Blue sky with a few puffy white clouds.  It was a treat.

Starting to feel myself.  No drama, no heartache, no pain.  Peace and quiet.  Lovely.

At least, for tonight, all is well.

Putting Myself Back Together

Posted on by learning to live like water

My morning meditation was disturbed by a thunderstorm this morning.  A warm, soft rain had been falling, which suddenly became a thunderstorm.  I had to end the mediation prematurely and make sure the open windows were not allowing the rain in the house.  They were not, thank goodness.  I didn’t want to have to shut the windows.  It’s not hot enough to turn on the air conditioning, but if all the windows need closing, I’d have to turn it on.

S has not tried to reach me, which I’m not surprised at, but grateful for. I’ve been able to calm my emotions, stop flinching when the text alert goes off on my phone.  Last night I stopped at my cousin’s house on the way home and we went for Chinese food together.  Actually, she’s my ex’s cousin, but one of my best friends.  I knew she was going through a hard time, and was alone last night. So it did us both good.  It’s a blessing to have someone in my life here, who knew me 40 years ago, and for her too.

I still hear from my friend A, such a sweet man.  He’s on the Olympic peninsula in the extreme northwest of the country, 3000 miles from here.  He sent out a group text yesterday of looking across the water and being able to see Canada.  He seems to be really enjoying his trip, and why not?  Retired, financially stable.  Like he said, he’s not flunking retirement, lol.

Hope I can find someone to hang out with this weekend, maybe go to the beach on Sunday, it’s supposed to be hot.  We’re off work on Friday, so we get a lovely 3 day weekend.  Looking forward to it. Might try to get my deck ready to paint.

So, life goes on, peacefully now.  Putting the pieces together, but trying to make something new out of them.

Contentment

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m working on contentment.  I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different.  Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.

There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon.  It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time.  If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow.  One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t.  Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.

Content.  Actually, I am feeling pretty content today.  I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell.  I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing.  If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content!  But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.

I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me.  It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.

I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends.  It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the  phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.

I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season.  That will be nice.  The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later.  It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air.  Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it.  For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean.  Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters.  I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again.  We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip.  He has since sold the boat, which made me sad.  It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.

So, contentment, is where I am today.  Accepting what is, happily.  Hopefully with grace.  I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.

Acceptance Comes Slowly

Posted on by learning to live like water

So dawns a new day.  I still have not heard a peep from him.  I left another voicemail, I have texted him.  It is unlike him to hold a grudge with me, especially when I am so obviously trying to find my way back to him.  But this morning, acceptance is setting in.

I had a nightmare about him last night. And now I’m trying to see if I can logically understand why he is silent.  So far these are my choices.

1.  He’s still angry with me for being so hurt the other night.  He cannot stand being the bad guy.  All it  required was an “I’m sorry”. We all make mistakes, he made one in not telling me he was not going to come.  He made one in underestimating how much it meant to me.  But a heartfelt “I’m sorry” would have gone a long way.  A phone call would have been nice.

2. He read the blogs I wrote after, “Crash and Burn” and “Sifting through the smoldering ruins” and was furious.  He dislikes i when I write about him, us.  When we are published on the internet.  No one knows me, or him.  He says, “yes, but when your book is published they will know who you are, and then who I am….”  That’s still such a long shot. But I have to write about me.  I have told him any blog I write is a snapshot in time of how I am feeling at that moment.  So why don’t I just journal it, why publish?  Because when I am in pain, confused, fearful I long for feedback from my peers.  The community helps me through it, helps me not to feel so alone.  I am quite able, obviously, when my feelings change, or circumstances change, to own it, and correct it here.  I rue the day I ever gave him the link to this blog.  It puts a bracket on my freedom to write what I feel here.

3.  Maybe he is too sick to communicate with me.  I can’t know that he actually went to work yesterday.  I do know that he wasn’t in the hospital.  I do know that he didn’t die, because I checked the obits this morning.  Sounds morbid, I know, but if he had an aneurism, which could kill him instantly, I would never know, I would never be told by anyone because no one knows of me. So it was some kind of black comfort not to see his name there. Maybe he is just in too much pain to add the stress of talking to me to it.  But…he doesn’t have to talk with me.  Just to tell me how he is, in a text or an email, and then ask me to continue to leave him alone, and I will.  Just to ease my mind.

4. I have occasionally, thought, what if his ex girlfriend leaves her new husband (that she found within 4 months of breaking up with him after 12 years) and wants him back?  He told me many times he was not over her, that he thought she was the one.  I asked him not that long ago, maybe a couple months, what he would do if that happened.  He said he didn’t know.  Which didn’t help me feel secure with him at all, obviously.  There is no making sense of who we choose to love, he says he loved her, and she took him for so much…..  I just don’t know.  But it is what it is.  I mean, I still love him after all the ups and downs we have had, when it is quite obvious to me that this is not a healthy relationship.  This #4 reason leads me to the nightmare.

I dreamed he finally called me.  We were, in the dream, on the phone, but I could see him at his house as well.  He told me he was in love. His voice was odd, kind of a falsetto.  He has in reality a deep, sexy voice.  I kept asking with who?  And he just kept telling me it was real, he was finally in love. (He constantly told me he didn’t want to be in love.) Then I could see his ex girlfriend in his jacuzzi.  And I said, “tell me who it is or I’m hanging up.”  He got mad at that threat and started yelling back at me on the phone.  I hung up, I woke up.

This morning I can’t help but wonder if the universe was telling me something.  I don’t even know what to look up on dreammoods.com.  It is so unusual for me to dream about him, about anyone I know, and to remember it, though I am sure I remember it because it woke me.

So where am I at this morning?  Still  numb, thankfully, from the wine and an Ambien.  It’s nice how the two combine to knock you out on a night when you’d not have slept otherwise.  Especially after the dream.  I am accepting that I can’t do anything about his refusal to communicate.  I can call the hospitals again, and make sure he’s not there.  I considered calling his ex-wife, who doesn’t know me, and asking her to check on him.  Because I am pretty sure, that unless he goes in the hospital, he has not told his family about  his health issues either.  By family I mean ex-wife and kids. But then I think, in my best Byron Katie mind, no don’t do that.  Then you are in HIS business.  (you know, there are three kinds of business:  Mine, other peoples, and God’s)

So to try to stay in my business, only mine today, I won’t try to reach him but just let it be, as he used to tell me all the time.  Maybe he’ll be in touch when he feels up to it.  Maybe he never will be again.  My business is to go on with my life.  So, I’m going to go get my hair done, go to the grocery store, go get 2 new tires for my car and maybe talk to my ex husband about our son while they put the tires on, since his business is right next door to the tire place.  But his business is weather related and we are supposed to have a huge storm this afternoon (of course, it’s Saturday) so he might not be there.  That should keep me clear of him until tonight.

Acceptance of what you truly don’t want to have to accept is such a mind-fuck  But again, it’s reality.  He is not communicating with me, and I need to respect that is how he wants it, for whatever reason.  I can’t put too much energy into that thought, the lump in my throat begins to grow again.

Slowly taking steps to move beyond this pain.

Conspiracy Theory

Posted on by learning to live like water

God, you know, I can write some very convincing bullshit, really! Thinking I know what’s going on when I only know half the story.

Well…my blog has always been about what I’m feeling or working through at the moment I write it. But dang, I look back and see how skewed I had things in my own mind, and how things just kind of evolve and grow and all the panic I put myself through was so unnecessary. As if I am addicted to the emotional highs and lows and so create them for myself.

Ugh. Gotta stop that. Sometimes I feel so enlightened, I can be kind, thoughtful, mindful. And then sometimes I am so totally in my ego, making myself so afraid, of NOTHING. Geezus. I’m very good at convincing myself the bullshit is real too.

Oh yeah, sometimes there is a little tiny kernal of truth which I then grow into an Iowa cornstalk. Why the hell don’t I do that with the good things that go on.? I keep finding out that what I want is just sitting there waiting for me. When the hell will I learn?

When you decide what you want, all the universe conspires to bring it to you. So says Paulo Coelho, and Ralph Waldo Emerson, Goethe….et al.

I think I will just sit back for awhile and watch it conspire, lol.