Tag Archives: love

Requests to the Universe

Posted on by learning to live like water

Daylight broke, and I didn’t wake until it was creeping tentatively through the edges of my windows around the shades.  It was lovely to sleep a little late, and have slept well.  When I got home from the gongs, and finished writing, I was just bone tired.  I think I let go of a lot last night, I let a lot of stuff that I don’t even realize or recognize, come up and begin to make it’s way out.  I felt kind of the way you feel after a really good cry, but I didn’t cry.  I only knew what I had to do to move on with my life, and did what I could to facilitate it.

Today I have no anger, at least at the moment, nor any great love.  Not really any over whelming emotion if I think about the events of the 6 weeks.  I have not heard from S since his voice mail wondering why I was so angry.  That’s a good thing.  I’m grateful for his reticence.

I’m looking forward to a calm productive weekend.  My friend, who knows someone who might want my house, texted me yesterday and said her friend is definitely interested!!  She asked me to send her any pics of the house I have.  I had none on my phone, but will take some if I can this weekend.  I may have some on this computer, but really…don’t often take pics of the house!  LOL.

I have been asking the universe to let me sell my house quickly and easily now for months.  Well, it can’t get much easier than this, if it works out!  I’m not banking on it, but the fact is there is a possibility!  When I bought the house, I had a picture in my head of the house I wanted, and this house fit the picture perfectly.  I also have a pic of the house I want in Florida, so I’m hoping and believing I will find it.

I guess that’s what I need to do with love, lol.  Ask the universe for the man I want, and need.  Picture in my mind someone actually capable of a great love, someone who knows how to build trust, and give of themselves.  Someone who can be as passionate as I can be.  I gotta believe he’s out there, and the universe will put him in my path.

I love Van Morrison.  I have a ton of his music on my phone.  I have to say, that my favorite of his songs is probably “Someone Like You”.  Which might make it my favorite song ever, lol.   I used to think, back before it all began to fall apart, that was S for me.  That thought, obviously, was so wrong.  I wasn’t ready for the man I will eventually find. I was unable to believe S when he told me who he was, literally, and he was most certainly the guy he said he was.  At least, that’s the one that manifested.  Regardless of the fact that I could see through it, and always saw the beautiful soul that he denied.  But the point is, now I hear the song and think, “Someone like you” is still out there, walking toward me as I walk toward him.

If you don’t know the song, here’s a link, with the lyrics.  This morning it makes me hopeful  Have a wonderful day.  Life is good.

Sweet Surrender

Posted on by learning to live like water

surrender

Surrender….God what a scary concept that can be. 

To many people, it means give up.  Just give up.  What good would that do? How can you even consider it, when something is weighing on you and seems so vital. How can you let go of wanting to direct and control the outcome to be what you want it to be?

I had this moment during my divorce, when my son was traveling with my ex to a hockey tournament. I didn’t know where they were, I couldn’t call them because neither of them would give me the cell phone number of the new phones my ex had bought them. My son was playing for a new team, I didn’t know any of the parents to contact them.  I knew my ex was an alcoholic, and would think nothing of driving drunk. I was in a panic attack, the only real one I’ve ever had, terrified for my son.

They were supposed to be back on a Sunday morning, and I was going to go over to my old house and just see my son for 5 minutes, to reassure myself he was ok. But I needed to pull myself together somehow, because I didn’t want him to know how freaked out I’d become. So I x’d out of my email, shut the computer down, and I went in the shower, and hoped that would straighten me out.

I ended up on my knees in there, naked, alone, letting the water (oh it’s always the water) just cleanse me. “God, I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. I’m giving it to you, to do with what you will. I’ll go along with whatever you do.”

Surrender. I had never thought of it, never considered it even as a concept. I was just doing it, because I had no where to go. I could not deal with it one more minute, so I gave the burden over to the universe.

When I got out of the shower, I felt better, but not great. I dressed, I headed out of the small condo I was renting. But as I headed for the door, a voice was in my head, “check your email.”

WTF? I had just checked it an hour before. I am not obsessive. But it felt like a command, so I sat down with my coat on, opened my laptop, and checked my mail again.

There, was the only email my son had ever sent me, written while I was on my knees in the shower.

“Hi Mom. The tournament was good, I broke my stick and had to get a new one. Are you coming to my game today?”

Immediately. I didn’t wait for an answer, it was there the moment I surrendered.

Surrender isn’t giving up. It’s giving it over to the unconditional love of the universe to deal with, and because that energy is love, nothing but love, I got what I needed.

From that moment on in my life, I have always known that everything will be ok. Every time anything, anything happens that I can’t deal with, I know it will all be ok.

It is one of the most freeing acts you can do as a human. I remember a year or two later, reading the chapter in The Power of Now about surrender. I laid the book down, just sobbing, knowing that that’s what I’d done (that’s when I got a name for it). And realizing the power it had.

Surrender. Don’t give up. Give up the idea that you have any power over the outcome, and trust in the loving energy of the universe to work it out for you. You are, no matter what you think, an integral part of that loving energy, and it will work in your behalf, if you just let it.

Peace….

 

Doing The Best We Can

Posted on by learning to live like water

the best we can

Do you think people are doing the best they can, usually?  It’s a question we were asking at book club last night, as we sat around my kitchen table eating my soup and biscuits.  We read “The Untethered Soul”, and it seemed ironic to all of us, that the place we used the lessons the most was at work.  Because all of us spend 8 (at least!) hours a day there with people with whom we have to get along, by necessity not by choice.

In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown has a whole chapter on whether or not people are doing the best they can.  I remember reading it on my way to Virginia to my nieces wedding.  I was reading before the plane took off, and 20 minutes later, I was reading this chapter, the break-up with S very fresh, only 2 weeks before.  I was looking so forward to being with my whole family, in their loving arms, for a joyous occasion.

I wasn’t doing well with the break-up. I was devastated.  The text I got, ending our relationship, was just so cruel, I couldn’t get past it.  I knew I was the one that holding onto the pain would kill.  But I couldn’t seem to find a way out of it, and then, I didn’t even know the whole truth, I didn’t even know they’d been together all summer, and S denied it vehemently.

I was sitting in the plane and read this chapter about whether or not most people are doing the best they can.  A door was opened for me, with that chapter, to walk through, toward forgiveness.  I clutched my kindle to my chest for a moment, and turned to look out the window, so my seat mates wouldn’t see the tears rolling down my cheeks.  As I looked out the window, I saw we were flying down Long Island Sound, over places that I loved, that my ex and I had gone to in the boat many times.  Places where. I have memories with my son as a toddler, long hot summer days.  Shelter Island, Three Mile Harbor, Sag Harbor, Montauk.  I have called them places of my dreams.

It was like a gift, to see those places at that moment, the water sparkling in the autumn sun, the islands and harbors clear and crisp.  I realized then, that S, and my ex, were doing the best they could at the time.  Caught up in something they lost control of, emotions that had their root somewhere deep inside of them.  And me too….  I had been writing out my pain here, because that’s how I deal with pain.  I knew S read it, I was lashing out at him.

Doing the best I could also.

I hadn’t spoken to him for some days at least, at that time.  When the plane landed, I sent him a text telling him that I knew he was doing the best he could, and that I hoped he knew I was too.

I find acknowledging this so much easier than being angry and vengeful.  I believe in unconditional love, which means we don’t get to pick and choose who we love.  I have been blessed to have unconditional love all my life, and I was flying into it, going to my family.  Who was I to judge anyone else?  We don’t know the burdens another carries.  Even though I thought I knew him well, obviously I didn’t know him that well.

My ex….was all about power and control, because he didn’t know how else to keep people in his life.  The idea of unconditional love was foreign to him, and he never realized that the only control he ever had over me was the amount he loved me.  Which, by the end, I didn’t feel at all.  And he blindsided himself, he thought I had no choice but to stay with him.  Thought that right up until I walked out the door.

But I think, in all honesty, he was doing the best he could with the tools he was given, to keep his family together.  He just wasn’t able to love, wholly and unconditionally.   He didn’t know better.  What’s worse, is he didn’t believe he was worthy of love just because he existed.  He was taught that love had to be earned, and could be taken away at any moment.

I can’t think of anything more painful that believing for your whole life that you are not worthy of love and belonging.  As if, because he was the child of broken people, it changed the fact that he still, on his own, was worthy.  He tried, really, to be different, but he didn’t have the tools.  I didn’t understand, and was caught up in that cycle of abuse, power, control.  I was unequipped to help him.

But yeah, I think people, for the most part are doing the best they can based on their level of consciousness at the time.  I try to remember that when I’m at work, and people irritate me.  I try to take a breath, and be kind, compassionate.  I don’t know what burdens they are carrying.

It’s a lesson worth holding on to.  We’re all just walking each other home, after all.

Sundogs

Posted on by learning to live like water

Back in December 2009 I was having lunch at the cove on a cold winter’s day.  I leaned my head back in the car, and looked up at the sky, just relaxing. The sky was blue, not clear blue, but a little hazy blue.  I saw a sight I had never seen before.  There was a sideways kind of short rainbow, and from the middle of it a light beam extended, like a huge spotlight.  Kind of like the picture below, but with less clouds, and a very pronounced beam.

sundog7

I just stared at it.  It was so amazing, this spotlight that extended  through the sky. I stared at it, studied it, until I had to go back to work.  On the way back to work, at the top of a hill, I saw that there was another one, equidistant from the sun on the other side.  I had no idea what I was looking at, but it was beautiful, amazing….took my breath away.

I later found out that it was a sundog.  Caused by ice crystals in the air, and the sun at a specific angle refracting the light in this way.  I felt totally blessed to have seen it.

Fast forward a couple of months to February 2010.  I was now in the 3rd year of a contentious divorce.  I was in limbo then, waiting for the Supreme Court to decide if they would even hear our case.  (My ex had appealed the Superior Court’s  decision to them, in an effort to keep me from getting anything.)  My son was with me, he was 17.  I was getting child support so financially I was in decent shape for the time being, but I knew that when he turned 18 in a few months that would stop.  I didn’t know how I would be able to take care of us both on my salary, I had committed to taking him on a cruise with a bunch of his and my friends in June when he graduated, and paid for it 8 months before, because I was sure that by now my divorce would be resolved and I’d have a settlement.

I was scared.  Anxious.  Sick of the battle.  I just wanted it behind me.  I wanted to move on with my life.  I’d been in this position with constant court battles with his father for so long.  One morning in February I just broke down, I said, “God, I know everything is going to turn out ok, but I really really could use another sign.  I’m beginning to lose my grip.”

Then I dressed for work, and went off on my day.  On my lunch hour I needed to run an errand to Walmart about 2 miles from work.  As I left work, I could see a bright spot under the sun.  I thought, wow…that’s cool.  But just kept driving, I didn’t focus on it.  There is a slight hill to get to Walmart, and a stoplight where you turn to go in.  I once again saw the bright spot under the sun.  I leaned over to look out the window better.

And there I saw…..the bright spot, a complete circle of a faint rainbow around the sun, a bright spot on top of the sun equidistant from the bottom spot, and on each side, the same thing I had seen at the cove that day, a small sideways rainbow on either side of the sun, in the rainbow aura, with spotlight beams coming out of them, bending toward each other in the huge sky.

polar-phenomena-rosing-749109-sw

I got into the parking lot as quickly as possible, got out of the car, and just stood there looking at it.  I remember laughing, just laughing.   It was so incredible…like a cosmic light show just for me.  No one else seemed to even see it .

And I remembered my request that morning, for a sign.  There was no question that this was my sign.

I don’t know how long I stared at it.  It was impossible to guess the distance it covered. I felt like it might be 100’s of miles.  The beams extended so far beyond me.  I had to turn a complete circle to see the ends of them, bending toward each other.

I look back and think people must have thought I was crazy…standing in the Walmart parking lot, laughing at the sky.

Since that day, sundogs have been my good luck sign.  I look for them now, and see partial ones, like the one at the cove often.  I’ve never seen the complete thing again.  Yet.

So….it did all turn out ok.  It took another 18  months and the divorce was over, the decision was confirmed, I got my settlement, I bought a home, and while I am far from rich, I have been able to make a nice, and happy life for my son and I.

I renamed my jewelry company after the sundogs that day.  Sundogs Designs.  As it turned out the sundog that day, a Friday, was the prelude to a very unusual weekend, I was given so much more, but that’s for another blog, for another day.

I’ve never lost faith that everything will turn out ok.  No matter the heartbreak, no matter the difficulty, I know it will be ok.

Blessed, just blessed. Below is a picture of a sundog phenomena that I saw on FB.  Which is beyond words to describe it, but I think anyone would agree with me.

Crazy sundogs

Peace and sundog blessings.

I’m Back, but I’m Sad

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m back.  One blog.  But today, I am dedicating the blog to my mom, who we lost last night.

Mom had a massive stroke in October 2014 that left her unable to speak, read, or write.  Since then, for 16 months, she has had only her memories and her thoughts.  Even though she could understand,she couldn’t communicate.  I know she is at peace now, with my dad.  I am so glad I went to they psychic a couple months ago, because my dad’s spirit was there, and he asked me to write her a letter, a long letter, relaying stories of us growing up and letting her know how much we appreciate her and loved her.  I did that, at his request and I’m ever so grateful for that direction, so that I know nothing was left unsaid with her.  The psychic also said that my dad was with her in the convalescent home she was in and would stay there with her, which gave me a lot of comfort.

My mother and father were the people who taught me the value of unconditional love.  We never talked about it, we just lived it.  My sisters and I grew up knowing that we had value just because we existed, and that knowledge, when I was able to actually form it into a thought, was what I knew would save my son.  At the end of the day, with both of my parents, I never went to bed wondering if they loved me.  I took it for granted, as all children should be able to.  I know now, in a very personal way, what happens to people who don’t have that luxury.  It has always been our rock to stand on our whole lives.

My mother’s own mother, my grandmother, died when my mom was 4.  She lived with her large extended family growing up, as her father looked for work as an iron worker during the Great Depression.  We had a family reunion for her 80th birthday.  The whole family came, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids….She told us, “you can’t imagine how happy this makes me to see this, to have this big loving family, after growing up without one.”

The lessons I learned from her I am still uncovering.  Grace, even under the worst pressure.  Survival.  Thriving.  Moving past things and going forward.  Forgiving.  Compassion. Countless more I can’t even put to words at the moment.

She was the glue that held us together, and I know that her love will live on in my sisters and me, and will continue to be the glue that holds us together going forward. Blessed, so blessed to have had her as my mother.

 

Baptism

Posted on by learning to live like water

baptism

Who knocks on my door?

The demons of the past,

Or the new ones

That I don’t know yet?

Is it love?

Am I so afraid of it now?

Fearful of being blinded by the light

And in my blindness

Cursed,

Laid waste to?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

How I long for that easy life again,

The one where everything made sense.

The one that flowed like water from my veins,

And heightened all my senses.

Now they are heightened in a different way.

Hyper-vigilance

Defensive.

Protective.

Fearful.

Come back to me,

Peaceful ocean.

Come back and render me speechless again.

Lift my face to the sun,

Let it’s warmth dry my salty tears.

Let me dance in the rhythmic waves,

Let the wind rearrange my hair.

Take my naked body and baptize me

Once again,

In the joyful sea of life.

Finding a Path

Posted on by learning to live like water

finding a path

Ahhh. End of the weekend. I made dinner for my son and I and am now finishing up my 2nd glass of wine with some dark dak chocolate. 88% cacao. Mmmmmmm It’s really good with red wine.

I’ve been a little introspective today. Thinking about love and forgiveness, hate and anger. I guess I’ve never been good at holding a grudge. Especially since my divorce. At some point I read somewhere that “holding on to hate and anger is like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.”

It just resonated with me so much. I was so angry at what my ex had done, was doing. Trying to make sure I was penniless, trying to drive a wedge between my son and I. The bullshit that came out of his mouth, at court, just enraged me. And because I couldn’t say or do anything about any of it, it was just eating away at me. It’s awful to wake up every day angry, upset, frustrated, and with a visceral hate for someone.

That was when the spiritual journey began…back in those days. I wanted to find a way through this process that would allow me to still have a life I loved. The universe put the people in my path that I needed. One at a time, it opened up. I learned to meditate, which I still say was the most valuable thing I’ve ever learned to do. I was brought by fate to the gong baths. I somehow was introduced to wonderful teachers, who wrote wonderful books. Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh, Byron Katie, Liz Gilbert, and, last but not least, Marianne Williamson and A Course in Miracles.

A Course in Miracles teaches a way to extend love. Period. Fear projects, Love extends. I wanted to find out how to feel, and live unconditional love. Because I didn’t want to feel the opposite.

One of the most important things I learned about unconditional love is, you can’t pick and choose who you love, if that’s what you profess to feel and practice. And in fact, often those people you feel least deserve your love are the ones who need it the most.

Another thing I learned, and this is a recent lesson, that came from the last 6 months of my life, was that the love has to first be turned inward on yourself. You have to take care of yourself, you have to give yourself a break for the things we do that are out of alignment with who we want to be. Because we are all human, we all do them. But I learned long ago, with my son and my divorce that forgiveness of ourselves is the hardest thing to do. I never learned to love myself, to consider what I wanted and what made me happy before I considered the happiness of others. I love Maya Angelou’s quote on this: “I don’t trust someone who says “I love you” but does not love themselves. Beware the naked man selling you a shirt.”

A psychic made me understand this concept in a personal way. She had my dad’s spirit there, and he told her that we never thought about what we wanted growing up, just what had to be done, what was expected of us. I agreed with her, and him, that was true. So, since that happened, I have considered myself, who I want to be, what values I have for myself. She told me to turn the energy of caring on myself. To do reiki on myself, especially my solar plexus, where we hold our emotions, and my sacral chakra, where we hold our creativity.

Writing is my creative outlet. Making jewelry also. Writing helps me to work things out. Making jewelry is good for those times when I’ve been thinking too much, too obsessively about something. It uses another part of my brain. I think the two compliment each other.

So anyway, in a broad sense, I am able to forgive, eventually, most things that have been done to me that were wrong, hard, hurtful. I took my ex cookies and Christmas soup (his mother’s recipe) this Christmas. I’ve called him to check on him. I’ve done similar with others who have hurt me. I guess I have to think that everyone does the best they can with where their consciousness is at the time. I know I have done things and behaved in ways I’m not proud of, because of where my consciousness was at the time.

I said in a blog not more than a few days ago, forgiveness comes with understanding. I believe that is true. I don’t think it means that what was done was ok, that those people can be in your life, but you can let go of the pain and anger and hurt and hate….and take back your power, and be someone you like.

Feeling the love tonight….

Trying to Find My Courage

Posted on by learning to live like water

courage vs comfort

I have so much to say this morning, and feel like I should just not say a lot of it, at least not right now.  Talking to Scott dredged up a lot of old stuff, that I’m hoping will settle back down where it was.  Not longing, but anger, disappointment, confusion.  My head is spinning, my emotions are a little raw again.  And I don’t want to write anything that can be taken wrong, that might cause pain to Betty, that will fuel a divide that is already huge.

He said that Betty told him I was still in love with him.  It sounded as though she said it not in a jealous way, but kind of as a revelation.  I told him, well that’s not news Scott.  I told you I will always love you, and I will.  But that doesn’t mean I can be with you, or accept your behavior, or would ever trust you.

He asked me what I wanted from him now.  I thought about it….but nothing.  I want nothing.  I want to move on, I want to fall in love with someone who can love me back as passionately as I can love.  I am happy that we talked, even though it came to no good end yesterday.  I hate cutting off communication with anyone, I don’t think that refusing to communicate ever eases anything. Not that I want to be communicating with him the way we used to, constantly.  It is just easier to know we can communicate, than thinking that  we can never talk.   Especially with this frigging connection that we have, or at least that I have with him.  Sometimes I feel compelled to let him know what I’m feeling, and it’s nice to know I can, especially when it has to do with his health.

I have to talk and write, to work things out.  I had to stay silent in my marriage for so many years, just to stay safe, just to keep the sleeping dogs sleeping.  If they woke they were vicious.  I refuse to do that ever again.  It almost killed me then, really. When I left that marriage I was diabetic, way overweight (I’ve lost about 40 lbs since then) and my heart was beating irregularly, pounding in my chest.  I prayed every night, literally, “Please God, don’t let me have a heart attack while I sleep.  I can’t leave my son with his father as his only parent.”  Thankfully, that prayer was answered night after night.  When I moved out, it stopped the very first night I was alone, and it’s never come back.

I started writing during that time.  I started writing down what I was living with because I just thought, “I have to write this down.  No one will ever believe this.”  I discovered the therapeutic benefits of writing it out.  My ex didn’t know I did this, though the journals weren’t hidden.  He went through my room a number of times, to see if I was hiding money, because once he found $85 I had squirreled away.  He had to see the journals when he rifled through my drawers and closets, but ignored them, because for whatever reason, he was not interested in my thoughts.  Until I brought them to court, and the judge showed an interest.  Whatever.  I wrote them for me, but they had a bigger benefit than I ever imagined they would.

I won’t go there again.  I’ve learned to have the hard conversations.  Scott asked what he could do now,now that he’s done all this damage.  And he apologized.  I thanked him for that, I told him it was a good first step for him to recognize and feel remorse for the damage he did.  But what could he do now?  He seemed genuine, as if he wanted to know.  I said, “next time you have a choice to tell a hard truth or a pretty lie, choose the hard truth.  Just choose the truth.  Practice it.”

I’d like to tell him to journal his day, to look back and observe his behavior, to see where he was selfish, and where he stood up for something.  But that’s my method, it’s not his.  Even though, I’ve read bits of things he’s written and he’s very talented.

All of this pain, every bit of it, could have been avoided by the truth.  Well, ok, I still would have been hurt and sad to lose him, but I wouldn’t have had all the other emotions around it.  I would have gotten past it, through it.  All of Betty’s pain, and his current pain, would be non-existent.  I acknowledge that the pain I would have had, I could have just looked at myself, and taken responsibility for it, because I dismissed 100 red flags because I didn’t want them to be true.  I loved being in love, I loved him beyond reason, and refused to accept anything that said to me, “NO, not now, Deb, not this time.  Don’t do it. Stop…..”  Because I thought he just wanted to be alone, and work things out, I thought too, that someday he’d not want to be alone.  If I’d known he was in love with Betty, I would have let go.  Quickly.  It’s the one boundary I will not cross.  It’s the only one I ever set.

Yes I’m a little fixated, as was said in a comment to me on my apology blog.  I need complete understanding to let go of things, or as much as I can get.  And really, I had it, I will have it again, I will gain clarity again, once all this stuff that was dredged up settles back down.  I have been moving away from it, in small, but steady steps.

I am looking forward to my lunch date today.  We’re going to a new Mexican restaurant.  It will be fun to meet this man that I’ve been talking to all week.  I have no expectation though.  It has been nice, so far.  Sometimes meeting in person makes it better, sometimes you find out there’s no connection.  But it’s a brave thing to do, to put myself out there again.  It’s a step in the right direction, toward where I want to go.  Brene Brown says that making yourself vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do.  I think she’s right.

Love and light.

Adder:  My date is off.  It’s fine.  He had a what appears to be a valid reason, and said maybe we can meet after work one day next week.  But I knew when Scott’s energy got thrown back into my life that this date might not happen, it’s just the way it is.  I was not focused on meeting a new man, I’ve been, obviously, focused on still working my way out of this old relationship.  That’s the way the energy ripples out.  I have some work to do still, and until I get it done, nothing will work out the way I dream about.

 

Clutter

Posted on by learning to live like water

clutter and stuff

It was 7° this morning when I went to get fasting bloodwork done at 6 AM.  I have an appointment with my endocrinologist next week.  It’s just routine.  But dang…bad enough to be out at 6 am, let alone have it cold enough to freeze the buggars in your nose.

Seems my mind was a little cluttered today.  Scott, Maggie, online communications, work….

I found myself wanting to call him this morning, leave a voice mail, just saying, “I miss you.”  But I didn’t.  I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, just one of those things I know.  Why I would miss him….when I stand back and observe myself, I have no idea, except it’s that connection, that just tugs at me every once in awhile.  I got over it, I was glad I didn’t.  If he heard that it would be like a pass for him.  Like asking to get set up again.  No matter what our infinite relationship is, the one here in this world is on hold, or non-existent, for the time being.  As it should be.

But I do still, see his soul, and not all the bullshit he hides it under.  I suppose I always will, I always have.  That light, when he exposes it, is blindingly beautiful.  He just never lets it stay lit.   And I’m also real, and I don’t want to ever go through something like that again.  Until he can learn to value love, he will always be sad and alone, I’m afraid.

Tomorrow I have to take Maggie to the vet for surgery.  I’m going to be praying all night that I don’t have to have her put down.

I began a conversation with a man online tonight that for some reason seem hopeful to me.  He likes the beach and said maybe I can teach him to find sea glass.   He’s nice looking in his picture too.  And he lives fairly close, no more than 20 minutes from me.  I can only hope.  So often they go nowhere.

I’m feeling so much more settled tonight with everything.  Peaceful.  Just concerned about Maggie’s surgery tomorrow.

I guess this blog tonight was for de-cluttering, lol.

Love and light, everyone.

 

 

Swimming in the Moat

Posted on by learning to live like water

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It was back to work today after 10 days off.  Winter hit with a vengeance this morning.  It was 22° when I got up.  It was 16° when I came home from work at 7:45 PM, and windy after a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  I froze my ass off filling the gas tank.  It’s going to single digits tonight.  I effing hate the cold.  It’s my most unfavorite thing about winter, closely followed by driving in snow as the 2nd thing I hate the most.
I’m sitting in my pajamas watching my favorite movie, Eat Pray Love.  I tried to watch the DVD over the weekend, and my cheap DVD player is apparently no longer working.  But tonight it’s on Lifetime. It’s perfect for where I am tonight.
I’m settled in, I guess, as much as possible with the twin flame idea.  Things keep popping into my head about our relationship that just made no sense, and now they do, even if it’s in a other-worldy sense.   Like, why neither of us could really let go, why I still want to talk to him, even after all he did to me.  Like why I continued to love him so much, when he was treating me so badly.  Why I hung on when I and everyone knew he was an ass.  The attraction was undeniable.  He called it the heat.  He said, when we broke up and I didn’t want to talk to him about our sex life any more, because we didn’t have one, and it hurt me to talk about it, since his was now with Betty…..he would say, “Deb the heat will always be there between us, why fight it?” He said to me, “I’m trying to find a way to keep you in my life.”
He knew, he just didn’t know what he knew.  I was in his life, I will always be in his life.  But he didn’t know what was going on, nor did I.  But I couldn’t share the leftover bits of his life, I’ll never be able to do that with anyone.  It’s painful.  It wasn’t just me being obsessed with this man, there was so much more in play.  I felt it so intensely.
And then….there are all the lies, the huge deception. While I have a better understanding of the forces that were in play, that he couldn’t deal with, and chose to lie about, rather than face, I wonder if he’s learned the lesson that has been repeating in his life since he was young.  I wonder if he’s learned it, or is going to have another round with it, in this life or the next. I mean, those same forces were in play with me, but I made different choices.  I didn’t lead Addison on, I didn’t play anyone.  I was honest and forthright in everything I did.  I’m not bragging, or blowing my own horn.  I’m just saying, we both had the choices to make.  He chose differently.  His choices caused two women who loved him more pain than I can adequately express here.  And he knew it would, and he knew that eventually, it would come to a head.  So why….did he choose that path?  I’d so like to know, just to understand his thinking.  He is such a dichotomy.  Here he can write a beautiful poem, describing not only our relationship on the physical level, but also on a soul level.  He could tell me that he felt the connection.  We never had a bad moment together until she came back into his life.  I loved being with him.  And then….he could lie, and cheat, and deceive like he had a phd in it.  He could hurt people, me, her, indiscriminately.  He could hurt himself, and then want you to feel sorry for him.  So full of contradictions.
I wonder how his health is.  I know he’s hurting.  I know he’s sad, but I’m not at all clear if he’s learned anything from all this.  I would guess that much of the contradictions in him, come from the difference between what he knew on a soul level, and was trying to be heard, and the life experiences he had that were in complete opposition to the soul level messages.
I think about how many times he tried to convince me that he was not a good guy.  And he proved that out.  But the same number of times, I told him I saw his soul, that I loved his soul.  Why would I say that?  I’ve never told anyone else that, not my son, not my ex husband of 40 years. But with Scott, it’s all I saw.  It blinded me to his human faults, and it set me up to fall, hard, face down in the dirt, because I could only see the center that was all love.  Just like in everyone else.  He couldn’t see it, didn’t believe in it.  And all his lies and deceptions, all the pain and devastation he caused me,  don’t stop me from seeing who he is at his center.
It’s friggin painful.  I have to leave it alone, it is a discovery that he needs to make on his own.  I thought if I loved him enough, I could convince him.  But he doesn’t love himself, so no one else’s love will ever make a difference.
It doesn’t matter.  It really doesn’t.  We have a connection which I will learn to deal with, without allowing it to disrupt this life.  I was happier not knowing  who he is to me.  I was happier just thinking that I knew him from a past life, that we agreed to meet up here, for some reason.  I was happier, because I thought I would be able to let go of him eventually.
Last night I saw Marianne Williamson on OWN.  She taught that the universe is “intentional”.  That nothing happens that is not supposed to.  I guess there are lessons inside of lessons….The dealing with this situation and being able to move forward in my life, will be a lesson in itself.  Learning to feel his energy and not get lost in it, will be a lesson in itself.  If I can attract it, being able to love someone else, and still keep a place in my heart for this man, my twin….will be a lesson in itself.
I’m sure there are more.  Honestly, right now I’m thinking, my life in it’s last quarter.  I’m sick of lessons.  I really am, and they keep falling into my path.  I really just want to be happy, to have an uncomplicated, easy life.  I want to downsize, into a smaller house, into a smaller life, into a safer life, into a life filled with love.
I am watching Richard From Texas tell Liz Gilbert, “Groceries, you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.”
I guess that’s about it for tonight. I think I’m in the damn moat, and I just want to stop swimming. Maybe I’ll just float on my back for awhile and look at the sky.