Category Archives: Dreams

A Going-Away Party

Posted on by learning to live like water

My bff, as I suspected she would, had a surprise going-away party for me last night. She’d asked me to dinner, but I know her. I knew I wasn’t going to get away with just a dinner. So when I got there about 20 of my closest friends were there.

I started to cry, just for a second, that they were all there, for me. No one, ever, has thrown a surprise party for me. Just was so nice, just wrapped up in the love of the people I love. They’ve all said they wanted to come see me in FL. I know not all of them will, I know some of them will.

We ate, and drank, and told stories, and laughed. I love going to my bff’s house, because I know I will laugh there until my stomach hurts. I only had one drink. I was tired when I got there. But it was just fun, relaxing. Caught up with everyone before I left.

A few people gave me gifts, which totally surprised me. How nice! I am going to have to get some cards that I can write thank you notes on, to all the people at work and my friends.

I don’t think there’s anyone I haven’t said goodbye to now. And I’ve been good, I’ve barely cried at all. At least not til I’m alone. I think I may cry when I leave town, maybe when I leave my house to go to my friend Susan’s for the two nights before I leave. The movers are coming Tuesday to take my stuff. Wednesday I’ll clean the house, and we’re leaving early Thursday, really early like around 5 am, to beat the NYC traffic because we have to go over one of the bridges over the Hudson. So, I will stay at her house after the movers take my stuff.

I am nervous, and anxious, and excited, and happy, and sad. I have never had so many mixed emotions about anything. Yet, I know it’s the right thing, only choice I can make that makes any sense for me to be able to spend some time not working. So I forge ahead, each day, and make the dream come a little closer. When I get to Florida, Susan will be with me, and my friend Pat from high school who lives there, and my other high school friend Cathy who is coming over from Daytona just to help me move in. So I will be greeted and in the company of more people I love. In October my sister will be down for the winter, I can’t wait for that, to be able to be close to her. It’s all good.

I am so blessed, just so incredibly blessed. That I am able to do this at all, to make this choice, to have had family to help me do it, and life-long friends. My bff toasted me last night, reminding me that we have been friends since I brought her Glorious Morning Muffins when her father died, and we sat at her kitchen table and bonded. 20 years ago. She has stuck with me through my horrible marriage and divorce, and helped me to move out, and advised me to leave Scott in the dust long before I could imagine it, but she was right. She could see how he treated me, and how I was taking it and after my ex, she couldn’t stand to see me let Scott do what he did to me. But she also never got mad at me for my inability to let him go, she knew I really loved him. Though one time, when I asked her to go shopping she said, “Ok, I’ll go, but we’re not talking about him.” LOL. And we didn’t. I don’t think she and I, or any of my friends have ever uttered an unkind word to each other. True true friends. We are there for each other, all of us, without judgment, with only unconditional love.

The path opens, and it is paved with the wonderful things that have been put in my life. I know there are more waiting for me there.

Love and light, everyone.

 

What Will Be (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

front door

Today, I imagined
That someone came up the steps
to the orange door
To my bright yellow bungalow.
He was following behind me,
And I opened the door,
I turned to smile at him
And took his hand
And led him inside.

I’m not telling any more about that,
(She says, with a wink and a smile).

But it was nice.
It was fresh,
And sweet,
And loving
And fun.

There were no games.
There was no pain.
There was steamy breath
In the air conditioned room.
The palm fronds swept against the porch
And a tropical wind blew across the deck.

I didn’t think about my past.
I didn’t think about my future.
I was happy
In the moment
With this man who was no longer
A stranger to me.

He’s waiting for me there.
He may not know it, yet,
But sure enough,
He’ll tell me that he has been
After we meet,
When we dance up the steps,
Into my front door,
And close the door on the world.

What Dreams May Come…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I said that there is nothing like a day at the beach doing nothing to make me sleepy. And also, it seems, make me sleep well. I slept more than 7 hours last night, which is a real feat for me. I had a few strange dreams though, which I’m looking up in Dreammoods.com

One was about a clogged drain. This drain was so large that you could look into it, and see the standing water. We, whoever it was that lived in the house with me, couldn’t use the sink it was connected to at all. Suddenly, when we were about to do something about it, I can’t remember what, I looked into it again and realized it had unclogged it’self, and that everything was draining so fast it was making that sucking sound. Here’s what dreammoods says about the drain, and a clogged drain.

To see a drain in your dream signifies your need to release and channel your emotions. You should not keep your feelings inside. Consider the condition and appearance of the drain for clues on how you are feeling. Alternatively, it may represent some wasted effort or loss. The dream may also be a pun on something or someone that is “draining” you of your en­ergy or resources.
To dream that you are unclogging the drain indicates that you need to remove some obstacle or blockage that is hindering your progress.
I’m taking that to mean, that since the drain was ultimately unclogged, that I have successfully removed the obstacle or blockage that was holding me back. The drain was full of murky water. Since I know water represents emotions in a dream, I would say that I’ve had some murky emotions that needed dealing with.
I think I know what they were, and yeah, I think I’ve let them go. Or at least, I’m well into the process.  (See smile on her face….)

The second dream had to do with a bunch of elementary school kids, practicing dancing outside, maybe on the playground. There were dozens of them, in groups, in lines like line dancing, a horizontal type line, but they weren’t doing line dancing. There was one girl, in particular, who I feel like I’ve dreamed about before. I did not recognize her from my real life. But she was kind of teaching the dance to the others in her line, she was in front of them and they were following her. She had long wavy hair They were all very good! I found out that they were rehearsing because they were all going to be in some big play, like a Broadway play, big production, but not Broadway. They were going there on a bus. I found out that on the bus all of us watching could go too, and there were tickets on the bus for us. When I looked back at the dancers, the lead dancing girl was now at the end of her line, and dancing her heart out with everyone else, because now she was just one of the dancers. Her hair was now short, but very adorable. They had all learned their steps. They were all wearing very colorful bright clothing, it was fun to watch them. As they ended their dance, the young girl looked at me and waved. At that moment, I felt like maybe she was a younger version of me.  I had long hair until I was in my early 50’s and have cut it pretty short since.So there are a few elements to look up here. Young children, dancing, bus, tickets.
Children: To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Alternatively, the dream may be highlighting your innocence, purity, simplicity, and carefree attitude.
Dancing: To see children dancing in your dream indicates a happy home life.
Bus: A dream about a bus, like dreams about all modes of transportation, may be addressing the path you are on in life, how fast you are moving and how much you are in control of your life. (All the rest of this just told about missing a bus, being on the wrong bus, being in a bus accident. I just saw the bus, and was planning to get on it to go to the show. I knew where I was going.)
Tickets: To see a ticket in your dream represents the price you need to pay to attain your goals. You have decided on your path in life. A ticket signifies the start of a new endeavor. Consider also the type of ticket. A bus or train ticket symbolizes the price you pay to get ahead in life, while a movie ticket represents your need to be more objective in a situation. 
Theater: To dream that you are in a theater signifies your social life. Consider how the performance parallels to situations in your waking life. Observe how the characters relate to you and how they may represent an aspect of yourself. You may be taking on a new role.

Sooo. I think this dream had to do with me needing to allow some things to grow and nurture, but in a good way. Thus the children, and the fact that they were dancing. I do have a happy home life! The bus, is signifying that this is on my path in life, it’s where my life’s journey is heading. The ticket is the new endeavor I am undertaking, moving to Florida, (and maybe even my date today!) and perhaps the theater is about the new role I will have with my current friends, and the people I meet in Florida. Also, if the ticket is the price I will pay for my move, then the theater is the price, my social life up here, and having to create a new on in Florida.
It’s actually a pretty cool dream! I LIKE it! Makes me feel I’ve made the right decision!
The last dream was about a room in a house. I lived in the house, but I think that it had been mine and was no longer. The room had been repainted by someone else, an unknown man who was now living there. It was not my real house. The room had been painted a lovely lemon light yellow color, and all the trim, moldings, had been painted white. I looked at it for a long long time, trying to remember what color it had been. Then I saw a small portion of wall by a window that had not been painted and that part of the wall was gray, and I remembered that the room had been gray. And I liked the bright color so much better.
That was a pretty short dream, lol.
Room: To dream that you are in a room represents a particular aspect of yourself or a specific relationship.  Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality. If the room is welcoming or comfortable, then it signifies opulence and satisfaction in life. If you dream of being in a dark or confined room, then it denotes that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation.
To dream of a yellow room suggests that you need to use your mind. You are feeling stimulated mentally.  

I couldn’t find anything on a room painted by someone else. But I think I’m good with this. The room was welcoming, it was yellow. Yes, I’m satisfied with my life at the momoent, and yes, I usually am stimulated mentally, lol, especially when writing.
It seems it was a good night for me, lol, albeit busy! I am heading in a direction that’s working for me. And thinking the universe is letting me know it’s all going to work out. It seems like a good omen for a first date today, but I’m not going to go there, really. I hate to have any expectations, and I’m moving, so it’s just for fun that I go anyway.
It’s another beautiful day. So atypical of weather here, we generally have rain at least once or twice a week. I am counting my blessings.
Love and light, all.

Crazy Dreams, Good Dreams

Posted on by learning to live like water

dreams.jpg

I had a dream so crazy and funny I can’t even look it up on dreammoods. I was on a plane, but the interior of the plane was just a room, and all the passengers were just standing around. Suddenly, potatoes came flying into the room as if they’d been shot out of a slingshot or cannon and landing on the floor. They didn’t hit anyone. But, when they landed you could see that they had eyes..real eyes, not potato eyes, lol. And they were sitting on the floor, looking stunned, kind of like “How did I get HERE?” And all the passengers were laughing, and just laughing at the bewilderment in their eyes, not cruel laughter. None of the potatoes were hurt, lol.

I woke up laughing.

So, any ideas what THAT was all about? Dreammoods can’t help with this one…

Feeling pretty well this morning. I guess it’s always good to wake up laughing. I did the same meditation as yesterday for my morning meditation. It’s 20 minutes long, and I have historically done 15 minutes. I find that the extra 5 minutes is really beneficial. I’m sure an hour would be even better. Well, I can do that when I retire. At the beach, lol.

It’s going to be a beautiful day. It’s not warm enough for flip-flops yet though. It’s been abnormally cold. Still, I can wear less layers, it will be 70. And sunny. It’s supposed to have scattered showers this weekend. I wanted to paint the deck on Saturday but won’t be able to with rain. And now I have a showing in the middle of the day. Still, I can maybe prep it anyway. The long term forecast for Memorial Day weekend is that the weather pattern will change and it may get hot. So I’ll paint it then.

I WILL check off some things on my list this weekend. One thing at a time. I remembered that during my divorce, I used to just focus on the next thing that I had to deal with. I never looked at the big picture, the whole picture, except in the extreme abstract. It was too overwhelming. I need to do that with all this stuff around my move. So, right now I’ll just focus on getting the house sold. Then once I’ve done that and have a firm exit date, I can plan how to get my son to CO, and get myself to FL. I have to sell some furniture too. But there will be time for all that.

I am going to my sisters for my mothers memorial in 2 weeks. I’m pretty excited for that. The whole family will be there. That should help with this stress and anxiety.

Life is good, I’m learning to deal with it. And there is a huge carrot at the end, lol. Balmy sea breezes, palm trees, evenings with friends, new friend and old, under the stars. It’s a good dream to have.

Love and light.

More Strange Dreams

Posted on by learning to live like water

dreams

 

Some more weird dreams. I felt wrapped in darkness when I woke up this morning. I was wishing the sun was up, but it’s going to be a rainy stormy day here.  I had three dreams, I don’t know what order I had them in. The first one is why I felt the darkness. When I woke up I wondered intensely if he was ok, if maybe he had died. I even asked the pendulum, that’s how dark I felt. The pendulum assured me he was breathing.

There is a tree in a planter pot, like you might see on someone’s deck. It is inside. Scott and I have been growing this tree. It is in my house. He does not live there. I call him to tell him we are going to lunch. He does not answer. I see the tree, and the growth on the top of it has been cut off, and I know he cut it and took it. And now he won’t answer the phone. The stump which is left is about 2” in diameter, and when I look closely, it seems that it was cut so smoothly it looks like molded plastic, and is all the same color. Like it’s no longer a real or living thing.

The tree is the relationship that we were growing. To cut a tree means wasting you are wasting your energy on something foolish. However, I didn’t cut it, he did, in my dream. A withered or dead tree means your hopes and dreams have been dashed. I didn’t cut the tree, and it wasn’t dead before it was cut. It was cut by Scott, and the live beautiful part was taken, leaving me the part with no growth, which then turned into something not even alive. It seems to me, as best I can tell, that he grew it with me, til there was something there, and then he took, stole, the good part, the part with all the energy, killing the tree. Leaving my hopes and dreams dashed. If you are cutting something down it represents a broken relationship or severed connection, but I didn’t do the cutting, he did, in the dream, and in real life.

To dream that you do not want to return a call or answer a ringing telephone indicates a lack of communication. There is a situation or relationship that you are trying to keep at a distance. It was he that did this. He wouldn’t answer the phone, cutting off the communication, keeping me at a distance in the dream. In real life, I have cut him off, by blocking him. But he has not tried to reach me either, nor responded to the one message I sent him.

This dream takes me back to the medium who told me in December that he was an energy vampire. He grew the tree with me, and then stole the good part, severed the relationship, leaving me with something that was not even alive, devastating me. He’s cut off communication, since the one message I sent him he wouldn’t answer. He has taken all the good stuff we had for himself. Energy vampire, for sure. Thinking that he would have all the good stuff to himself, and use it for himself. Not understanding it was our connection, the energy of us both that made it grow.

The second dream was driving, again.

I was driving, it feels like a truck of some kind. Maybe a U-Haul, because a friend was telling me on the phone last night that I should rent a U-Haul for my son to move his stuff to CO. I was with someone, I don’t know who. There were piles of logs beside the road, huge piles, many piles.

To see a log in your dream represents a significant and meaningful aspect of yourself. It may reflect some subconscious idea. Alternatively, a log signifies a transformation. You are headed toward a new direction in your life.

That’s pretty self-explanatory. In combination with the first dream….It seems that I am moving on from the ugly stuff of the first dream.  Definitely headed in a new direction.

Then I dreamed that my mother was with me, and we were making hot dogs, lol. To see or eat a hot dog in your dream is phallic symbol representing masculinity, sexual energy, and vigor. Alternatively, a hot dog refers to simple and short-lived pleasures. Since it is obviously not the first meaning, I would say it is certainly the second, to have my mom there was a simple and short-lived pleasure while I slept.

I feel less dark, having taken the time to interpret these dreams. I don’t understand why I am suddenly remembering my dreams in such detail. But I am, and it’s giving me a better understanding of my life, of where I’ve been, and a lot of hope for my future. It’s helping me to put the past in the past and leave it there.

I still love the man, the soul of the man. But these dreams are giving me clarity on who he is, making the letting go an easier process. Because in the end, he did take the good from me, which was the unconditional love I offered him, the love without limits, without reason, just because he existed, and left me without much of anything, except a bunch of memories. I hope the love lifts him, when he needs it, so that it wasn’t all for naught. I apparently feel like he stole it from me, but he didn’t. I gave it willingly, and it’s his to keep, nor does he need to feel guilty that he has it, and didn’t give it back. I’m content with what he left me. I know my future is bright, it is exciting. Everything points to me moving into a wonderful new life.

Whew. That was a lot of work to start at 5:30 AM. Lol.

 

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Dreaming the Night Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

tunnel

I had a couple of weird dreams last night. I think more than a couple, but two are all I can remember enough to look them up on dreammoods.

Both about driving.

The first, I was driving down what I think was the road Scott lives on. I was looking for a cross street, to get to his house, even though he lives in reality right on the road, and I don’t need a cross street to get there. At any rate, I couldn’t find the cross street, and kept driving and driving. Here’s what dreammoods says:

Driving: To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life.

Road: To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or  bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that  you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.

If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned.

Search: To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem. 

The road was smooth, a typical New England road, really his road, bordered by trees, woodlands, rural homes, farms, some large gentle curves, but not windy, a few easy hills, but you can’t find a road here that has no hills. It wasn’t narrow either. It was his road which is a state highway, one lane in each direction.

Since I was searching for his cross street, his intersection, I would guess I was looking for him in my life. Since I couldn’t find it, I think it must say that our lives are not intersecting at this point. I continued to look, for that intersection of our energies, our life paths. I knew where to look, but it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t give up. Right now, I don’t think that to keep looking is a healthy thing to do. However, considering my belief that we are so connected at the soul level, I have a feeling part of me will always be looking for the guy I knew and loved, which is completely not the guy he is manifesting right now. So, I couldn’t find him, or his intersection in my dream.

It would behoove me to just stop looking now, and focus on my own path. To just keep rising. Never say never, but for the time being, we won’t intersect. I guess it’s good that I just kept driving, down the typical easy road.

The second dream was driving also. I was driving my regular route to work. The highway became a single lane tunnel. As I approached the end of the tunnel a police car with the lights on came driving toward me, and blocked the lane out of the tunnel. The officer motioned for me to back up. Not to turn around and go back, but for me and those behind me, to back up the length of the tunnel. I woke up, with the car stopped, I remember thinking in the dream “Is this guy crazy? He wants me to back up, in reverse, all the length of this tunnel?” Which is exactly how I would react in life, I would have gotten out of the car and said, “how about you let me turn around?” I didn’t do it, in the dream.

So we already know what driving means.

Tunnel: To see a tunnel in your dream represents the vagina, womb, and birth. Thus it may refer to a need for security and nurturance.

To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase “tunnel vision”. Are you being close minded or narrow minded in some issue?

To see the light at the end of a tunnel symbolizes hope. You will navigate through life and all its difficulties with great success. Alternatively, it also indicates the end of your journey and the realization of your goals.

Police car: To see a police car in your dream indicates that help is on the way for you. You are experiencing some inner turmoil and need intervention.

Police: To see the police in your dream symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.

Driving backwards: To dream that you are driving a car in reverse suggests that you are experiencing major setbacks in your goals. In particular, if you drive in reverse into a pool of water, then it means that you emotions are literally holding you back.

So, again, it’s about my life’s path. I think I can buy that I’m seeking and opening to a new awareness of many things in my life. And, at the same time, have had some tunnel vision in regards to him. The tunnel ended, there was light, and I had hope. The need for nurturing ties in exactly to what the medium told me, about my grief. Security? Idk, I don’t really feel insecure. Yes the move is a big overwhelming thing to do, but I don’t feel insecure about it, or myself. So I’d say it’s the nurturing thing, for sure.

Then the power and authority and control represented by the police in the dream, tried to stop me, from getting to the light. What’s interesting is that whatever force or energy was represented by the police stopping me, and I can pretty easily guess what energy that was, wanted me to go backward, to experience a major setback, to not get to the light. Honestly, I was wondering earlier this week about that, he was on my mind so much. However, rather than allow it myself to go backward, I woke up. I hate to do things twice, lol.

I was almost out of the tunnel. Which says to me, I was making, have been making real progress. Maybe I just need to be very vigilant I don’t allow myself to go backward, to the place I was. Maybe the police officer was a warning to me. Because the police car itself, symbolizes help is on the way.

Which must be my friends here, lol. Helping me through the strong pull of the energetic connection this week.

Thank you my sweet friends. Would love to hear any additional thoughts. I do have a little “tunnel vision.” Lol.

Love and light.

Tuesday Updates

Posted on by learning to live like water

desert sunrise

The house.

My sis has been making calls about the mold. There is a test that can be done for $375 to see if there’s a mold problem. So we’re going to order it, and try to get an extension on the contract until that test is in. All these inspections are gonna run about $1000. But at least I’ll know what I’m buying. My sis is building lots of good karma, I’ll tell you. I could never do this without being there without her. So much to organize. My sis is good at that stuff, lol, but I will be forever grateful.

Addie

I texted with Addie again today, 3 days in a row. After only intermittent convos over the last 2 or 3 months. He sent me the picture he took of the desert sunrise this morning (above). He used to do that every morning. And send a selfie of him waking up. He would always ask for one of me. I would protest. I had bed hair, no make up, you know….. He would always say, “But that’s when you are the most beautiful.” Sigh………

He is such a good guy. I hope everything is ok with the gf, and I hope he’s not falling for me again. Much as I love him, and love having him in my life, I can’t go there with him. It’s just never worked, and I’ve tried. I keep breaking his heart, as he rather succintly reminded me back in December.

The first time was because S was doing his thing, to get me back from Addie. I’d been seeing Addie for about a month, after the prison whore. But I still loved S, and S was really working it. He said everything I’d ever dreamed of hearing from him, and did everything I’d ever wanted, and I left Addie in a heart beat. (I guess that’s when he cared for me, as B said, “not in the way I wanted or dreamed of” except it was everything I’d ever wanted from him.) I was unbelievably happy for about 6 weeks, till B decided she wanted him back. Then began the S torture. Not letting me go, not seeing me much, pushing, pulling. Having a great time watching me cry over him. Getting his huge ego boost from all the tortured poems I wrote last summer. Playing the game, the great player. See how long he could get away with it. No wonder he thought I was weak, that I “broke like a little girl”. Well, I bet he doesn’t think that now.

The second time I broke Addie’s heart big time was last November, when we were talking about him coming to visit. I suggested New Year’s Eve, for a few days. He wanted to come for 2 ½ weeks. “I’ll rent a car when you go back to work, I’ll make you dinner every night….” I know he meant it to show how he loved me.  He was so excited about it. But I didn’t want it. I was not, am not, ready to have someone here every night. It’s like a commitment, and I didn’t want it. I called it off, the whole thing. I told him I wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t gotten over S yet, and I hadn’t, that was true. I had just found out a couple weeks before, the full extent of S’s deception, and I was still trying to assimilate all that bad news. I was still rebounding from all the push pull, which continued right up to the moment I found out the whole truth.

That’s my biggest problem with Addie, is that he won’t allow time for a relationship to just grow. But also, because I don’t want to be in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away. And in the desert…I could visit, but I need the water. I have to be by the ocean. There were some physical issues too, which I never mentioned to him, because he couldn’t do anything about them, and I didn’t want to make him ashamed or even feel bad because of them.

For whatever the reason, it’s nice to have Addie in my life again. No games, just a good, intimate friend. Someone you can count on. Someone who constantly fills up my marble jar. It is so nice to be reminded, reassured that there are men in the world capable of selfless loving. Who take pleasure in pleasing their woman. I hope all is well with his gf, and he’s not talking to me every day because there’s something wrong, or worse, because he’s still in love with me. I don’t want to break his heart again. But I love having a man in my life who wants nothing from me, except a little of my time, and a little of my affection, and is never anything but loving and kind. I want nothing from him but his friendship. We are more than friends, we are very close. There was a tenuous time, when I broke his heart, the last time, that I didn’t know if we would make it through as friends. But we have, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  I’m so grateful the Universe has brought him back to my life right now.  Just so glad.

All is well, as I watch the Universe self-correct, and self-organize, and help me along the way to the fulfillment of my dreams. Love and light.

The Universe Is Listening…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I got the house!!!!  Whoo Hoo!!!!!  The buyer countered with an offer in which he met us more than half way, (actually exactly what we were hoping he would come back at) and we took it, my sister signed it and sent it off to the realtor yesterday!!  (Then I went out with a friend and celebrated!!!)

Now it just has to pass the inspections next week.  We’re doing 3 inspections, a regular home inspection, a termite inspection (apparently that’s a huge problem down in Florida) and a hydrostatic plumbing test to make sure there are no problems between the house and the street.

And if it passes, the closing is set for April 19, which….believe it or not….  IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!  I mean, what kind of sign is that???  The Universe is not only manifesting my dream, but giving it to me for a birthday present!!!!  I am ever so slightly blown away by that.

It reminded me of getting my Supreme Court decision, and the end of my long, (4 years) contentious, tedious divorce.

My divorce went to the Supreme Court on December 4, 2010.  Then you wait for a decision. They have no time limit.  Some cases wait a year, 18 months, even 2 years.  Some are quicker, a few months.  I kept saying I wanted it by Easter that year, which was April 24.  I really wanted it for my birthday, lol, but thought that was asking a lot to get it for a birthday present.  The decisions are announced on Monday of  the week before they are official.

I was driving home on the Friday before my birthday that year, and just before I got home I saw a sundog, almost exactly like the one in the picture.  Sundogs have always been my personal good luck sign.  I remember thinking, “That’s cool!  Don’t often see them in April, because they require ice crystals to be in the atmosphere.  That’s a really good sign.”

When I got home a few minutes later, I found in my email a message from my atty, with an court document attached, telling us that the decision would be published Monday, April 18, and official April 25!

The universe, in it’s inimitable way, gave me the announcement  that the decision would be published on April 18, the day before my 60th birthday!  And the decision was official April 25.

So, my birthday is a lucky day for me, I think, besides being the day I came into this world!

Ok, so I’m feeling really good about all of this, better than good.  Totally blessed.  So happy.  Have a lot of work now to get the house up here on the market, I’m hoping in early April.

Please universe, let it sell easily, and quickly enough that I can move this summer.  This is my intention.

Living like water, moving back to the source from which we all came.  Love and light all…..

 

 

Promise of the Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.

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I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.

You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.

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The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.

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Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.

When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.

Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.

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