Category Archives: personal musings

Just Some Observations

Posted on by learning to live like water

 I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal. 

I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us.  What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?

How could it not be special?  He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.”  How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?

Well, we always pay.  What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with.  No wonder his diabetes is back.  No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer.  Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night.  Nothing is for sure anymore.

I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist.  I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes.  I thought it had to do with his breathing.  Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.

It’s all just an observation now.  I look at what happened without emotion now.  It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.

You wake up, and say, it was just a dream.  An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.

I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze.  I’m letting go, with every word I write.  7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Early Morning Sunrise 11-23-15

Early morning sunrise is beautiful this morning.  I have been up since well before dawn, but I slept well last night.

I did my final day of the Deepak Chopra 21 day free meditation this morning.  When it was done I saw this sunrise, like a simple gift from the universe.

Every morning I wake up a little farther from the chaos of the last few weeks, and it usually lessens throughout the day.  I am not slipping backward, which is a huge thing.  I have no more rogue waves knocking me down.  Nothing pushing me backward.

Grateful this morning, I guess.  Just grateful.  There is so much to be grateful for, even the hard lessons.  I can see it all as a gift.  Even though at times, I still pick my jaw up off the floor at the depth of deception that one man can create, he deceived himself worst of all.  His deception made me smarter, and wiser.  I have grown from the experience.  As long as we do that, it’s never a waste.

It’s only a 3 day work week this week.  Hopefully I will go to the sweat lodge Saturday.  I know it would be really good for me.  I feel blessed that there are so many healing opportunities around here to bring me back to myself.  Every day I remember more who I was, and who I am.

Thanksgiving will be quiet as usual.  Just me and my son.  I’m grateful he’ll be home all day. It is the first time in a few years he has not had to go into work in the late afternoon to work overnight for Black Friday.  In fact he has the day off, his new job is not a hot spot for Christmas shopping.

Been texting with A this morning, since early, which is really early for him.  He is telling me about his son’s girlfriend, coming to see him from Maine, to New Mexico, talking about moving out there.  I think he is wistful, that I have no interest in doing that.  I have always told him I could never live in the desert.  I wouldn’t mind visiting, but probably not him for more than a day or two.  I love him, but it’s a love that’s better from a distance than up close.

I’m still sure the up close one is headed my way.

Love and light.

 

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.

 

Making Heartspace

Posted on by learning to live like water

Got my new computer, and partly set up.   So glad to be back on line, but I’m not used to this keyboard yet, lol.

I never heard from S.  I guess he’s not talking to me.  I sent him a last message asking if he’s really never going to talk to me again.  I said, I loved you so much, please don’t do this.

But apparently he’s going to.

I had stop at the store and get cream for coffee in the morning, and I’ve been a little sad all afternoon, once I realized I was checking my email incessantly for a message that wasn’t going to come.  But when I left the store, I had a little heart to heart with myself, and realized that I don’t want to get back with him, I don’t want to have sex with him, I just wanted him to be in my life on some level, maybe because I’m used to having him there.  I will always love him, always miss him, but he’s got to travel his path, whatever it is.  I would have liked to see him once more, just to maybe smooth over some of the really hard parts, and let him go on a positive, or more positive note.  But if it can’t be, it can’t be. He did a lot of damage to me, but I am strong, I’ll be fine.  My door will remain open.  I wish him nothing but love.

I got home, and began to set up my computer, turned on the tv and saw the horrible news from Paris.  So sad, so senseless.  The misery that humans are capable of wreaking on each other is just mind boggling.  Fear and hate.  Just so sad.  My heart goes out to Paris tonight.

I left my phone in another room while I was working on the computer.  When I went to get it, I saw that the man I had kind of expected to talk to last night, had called tonight.  He left a voice mail, and said he’d connect with me over the weekend.  I called him back, and left a short voice mail, so he’d know when I’d be around this weekend.  I liked the energy of his voice at any rate.  It seems that he called within minutes of me coming to terms with the fact that S wasn’t going to respond to my messages, and he’s blocked my phone. I’ve known that holding onto S and A would keep my heart closed to a new man who might be perfect.  I don’t know if this man is it, of course, but i do think that I freed up the energy and the space for the possibility.

Love and light.

Waking Up With a Heavy Heart

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke up this morning, sure I don’t want A to come here.  Now I have to tell him. Not looking forward to that.  He is so sweet, he will be so hurt.  But everything in me is saying no….

Now that he wants to come for 2 weeks, he will be disappointed with less, and I realize that while I love and appreciate him so much, I am not in love with him.  I can’t pretend that for 1 day, let alone 5 days, or 2 weeks.  I don’t act, I can’t lie.  So, I’ll have to deal with that soon. Whenever I have an unpleasant task to do, I need to do it, as quickly as possible.  It weighs on me not to.  I wish I could match his affection for me.  He so deserves it.  But I don’t, I can’t, I’ve known him long enough to know that it’s not happening for me.

I was thinking about my ex and S, how similar they are, that they so don’t believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, that they fabricate a whole world to manipulate people into their lives.  I can’t imagine having to wake up every day and have to face that.  I mean, to the point that the whole world is skewed, that they believe the people who really do love them are trying to get something from them.  They look with disdain on the people who just love them, because those people innocently believed the carefully crafted lies that have been woven to make themselves acceptable to others.

I feel full of love and compassion for those two men this morning.  If they could just see that they are lovable.  In my ex’s case, he hides from the world.  His cousin in Florida called me the other night, to get his phone number because she wanted to check on him.  She doesn’t understand him.  I tried to explain that he doesn’t want to be known, he wouldn’t even tell me where he was living. I found out from my old next door neighbor that he is renting the cottage right next door to the house he lived in for 40 years.  But the cousin just doesn’t understand that he’s alone out of choice.

S…still wants to draw people into his life, but with lies and deception.  He doesn’t believe anyone can really love him the way I did…just because he is.  He thinks, as my ex does, that if you love someone that way you are just stupid, naive. I always said I saw him, I have told him that since forever.  I still see  him.  I still see that soul inside of him that just wants to be loved, but he’s crafted so many lies and such deception, and so convinced himself that love is not real….he also crafts a world in which he is alone, and no one really knows him.  And if someone does…like me….he runs away from them.  Afraid they will destroy the false world he’s put together. Both men believe they have to be separate to protect themselves, when the truth is we are all connected.

I have not heard a word out of S, in over a week.  I imagine that he was thinking he was punishing me, but now he is probably feeling a lot of shame at having been found out.  When I left him a voice mail, I tried to convey that I am not judging him, I see him, I know why he’s done what he’s done.  I feel sorry for him, is all, that he believes the only way he can keep people in his life is to craft a fake self that he thinks is more lovable than his true self.  Just so sad.

It’s not my job to teach either one of these men.  It is my job, when and if I ever interact with them, to extend love and compassion as much as possible.

Too much heavy crap on my mind this morning. I’m going to deal with A today somehow.  And then forget about the mess that S and my ex have created for themselves, and be grateful for all the blessings I have.

Settling Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunrise 11-07-15

Sunrise from my deck

Feeling peaceful this morning.  It was week full of turmoil, but has ended ahead of where it started, emotionally.  It started with me missing S last Sunday, and making the mistake of telling him.  It opened the door to him telling me to come see him then, the minute she walked out his door. Which led to raw emotions, again, and to ugliness between us.  It led to me having to cut him off completely in order to move forward.  Which led to the dream (I don’t know what else to call it, but it was way more than a dream)….which freaked me out, but then made me realize that I had let him go, energetically, that I could do it at my most vulnerable.  Not saying it wasn’t hard, and didn’t hurt, but I did it, for me.

I was so concerned with the lesson.  I think it was the balance of the Unconditional Love lesson, that we have to extend that love to ourselves, first.  We have to be strong enough to let go of those things that hurt us, that no longer serve us, even if we love them.

So, now I follow my own advice for the moment and will go where the love is.  Which leads me to some peace this morning, starting with the beautiful sunrise. Peaceful in the sense that I can think things through, without angst.

A and I will talk this weekend about Christmas break this weekend.  He wanted to last night but it was too late for me, I was too tired.  It deserves more attention than that.  I am conflicted, to say the least.  I would rather he came here, he might be open to it, because his house is getting gutted, and there’s a good chance it won’t be done by then anyway.  I’m still uncertain about the long term implications, but I think that I need to just let what happens happen.  I love him enough to spend 5 days with him.  I know he won’t make me sorry.  My only issue is guilt that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me, but I’m not that far off.  I think it’s the distance that keeps me from engaging my heart more.  But I’m not even sure about that.

Am I just being lazy, accepting what is here, in front of me, offering me unconditional love, but without the passion that I crave?  Am I just being impatient?  Is it just that my defenses are down?  I love the relationship I have with him at the moment, would I ruin that with expectation on his part if I do this? Because I don’t want to commit to a long distance relationship… And I don’t want the perception of friends with benefits, because we are way more than friends, we have been lovers in the past…

God I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should just be celibate until I find the passion I crave.

I hope the psychic calls me back today.

The weekends have been so hard for me since S dumped me so easily.  Last weekend I made it til Sunday morning. I hope I can get through Sunday this week, without being hit by a rogue wave.  Even if I get knocked down, I won’t reach out…I’m sure of that.  He is growing fainter in my psyche.  I ignore his messages, the ones I feel, (there aren’t any others) more easily now, they are always the same. And only lead to more pain.

I am beginning to feel that he stopped reading my blog, I’m hoping. But I’ve thought that before, and was surprised to find out he still read them.  It doesn’t really matter, I don’t have to deal with his emotions over them, unless he visits me in a dream again.

Just thoughts, emotions settling out.  Time to get the day underway.

Love and light.

No Rumbling Tonight.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am almost out of wine, not a good situation on a Friday night,  I think I have enough to get me by tonight.

I missed S for less than a second.  I missed A more, because I would have been safe with A.  I’m a little sick of living on the edge.   Which I always was.  Sometimes with my toes hanging off, leaning back on my heels to stay out of the abyss.

A pulls me back.  Keeps me attached.  Keeps me on solid ground.  S pushes me over the edge and can’t understand why I’m screaming. So I stopped giving him the opportunity.

Every day things come up that I’d like to be able to tell him, that I know he’d get, and maybe no one else would.  But I don’t, I won’t.  It just opens the door to all the emotions I have to heal from. I talk to A.  It’s not the same connection, but whatever it is, it’s a loving connection, where he puts me first.

I chose not to tell A about the dream.  He doesn’t need to know, he just needs to know I’ve worked through a lot of stuff.  While I think he’d get it on some level, he might get upset with the energetic connection, communication, I had (have? possibly..) with S. Even though I told him to leave, the overall idea might be upsetting to him.  Because it was definitely something. And I’m not at all surprised, that we communicated that way, though it was distressing.  I called the psychic today, left a message.  I’m anxious to see her  I hope she can see me next week, but I have no idea how she schedules.

I still don’t know how I feel about A.  Tonight I miss him, but I’m also feeling that’s just because I’m lonely and he’s so present with me.  I know he’d make me feel good, important, beautiful.  I’ll just let it be tonight.  I’m too tired to try to do any serious investigating.  No serious rumbling tonight.

Peace out.  Love and light.

Sunday Morning Writing Therapy

Posted on by learning to live like water

Writing has saved me $1000’s in conventional therapy.

Yesterday, I recognized that it was the first weekend where I was not in absolute pain because I know he is with her.  I’ve been ok, and I guess it’s because I know the man that’s with her is not the man I knew and love.

My friend Megan wrote a blog about it not being the pain she fears but the void beyond the pain.  If it’s over, what is there but emptiness where all that emotion was?  Yes…thus my poem a few blogs back called The Void.  (https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2015/10/29/the-void/   Some days it’s larger, some smaller.  Some days I can ignore it, walk by it, some days I fall in and disappear.

I also have realized that what I miss is the every day connection. I miss him being part of my life every day and being part of his.  I don’t like a man who changes his face for everyone he meets, but I have always seen S’s soul, not his face, and it’s always been his soul that I love, and that I know.  I see the inner child, just wanting to be loved because he exists, like every other child.  I can still do that.

He tried occasionally, to convince me he was a bad evil person. I always said, “I see your soul S.  I see your soul and I like what I see.  I don’t know what to tell you.”  Imagine being so convinced you don’t deserve love that you try to convince others not to love you.

I wish he and I could just talk, and be friends, without the sexual tension that’s between us.  But it always goes there, and for me that comes with attachment, and besides, I know he can turn on me on a dime, evidenced by his texting me at 4 am, and devastating me 6 hours later.  That’s not a friend.  I don’t even know what to call that.  It’s been 4 weeks, this weekend.  The wound at times is fresh, as if it just happened.  Then I remember how every time I’ve spoken to him since it has not ended well.  He has told me he cares for me.  Whatever he feels only causes me pain.  I can’t go there again.

The man I saw last week, Jim, sent me two texts yesterday.  The first was “Happy Halloween 300 times.”  which I didn’t understand at all. Like I said, I don’t get his sense of humor.  Then later he sent one saying he enjoyed my company the night before very much.  And I thought “How?  You didn’t make even the smallest effort to find out who and what I am.”  I didn’t answer either one.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was afraid if I said I was sorry, but I didn’t feel any connection, maybe we should just let it go, that he would call me, and I didn’t want to deal with it.  I chose to just ignore the texts, and hope it just fades away.  We’ve only been out 3 times.  There is no attachment.

And then there’s A.  Always there for me, always steady.  Never anything but loving and caring and honest.  Yesterday he sent me a pic, and there was a red truck in it. His truck, I thought, was black.  I asked him if he got a new truck when I disappeared.  (Which I did in August and September, just cut him off without warning to focus my attention and energy on my relationship with S, which was unraveling then.  I think even then, S was in touch with her, which was why we were unraveling.) Anyway A, answered about the truck saying it wasn’t his, but then said, “I’m so glad to have you back.  Don’t fucking disappear again!”  He went on to say “Fall madly in love, get married, but don’t disappear!”  I told him I wouldn’t, ever.  And that I didn’t want to get married either.  Just to have a loving, monogamous, extraordinary relationship with someone.

And so…I continue onward.  Feeling like S and I have unfinished business, business that will remain that way for the foreseeable future, at time nagging at me, at times I can just ignore it.  Hopeful that perhaps there is someone else out there that I can love as intensely as I loved him.  Someone who is also capable of that depth of emotion.  Clearly S, in his present state is not, nor wants to be.

Therapy, writing is therapy.

Halloween Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling a little disjointed this morning, I have so much I want to do today, but it’s early.  It’s Halloween, and my neighborhood is Grand Central in this small town. A friend is coming over to help me hand out candy.  I’ll make dinner, we’ll have a glass or two or three of wine and enjoy the kids.   I was just reminded we set our clocks back tonight, whoo hoo. I guess that means I’ll be waking up even earlier tomorrow, lol.

I am glad I didn’t spend more than a week figuring out Jim was not the guy for me.  I need to let my intuition guide me a little quicker.  I have been saying I didn’t really feel a connection, and trying to allow one to form.  I should know when there’s not one, there’s not one. When there is, there is.  I’d like one that is good, intimate, loving connection but not so intense that I feel the person all the time.  That’s way too distracting.

I realize I tend to be too direct for a lot of people.  I just don’t believe in pretending to be someone I’m not. Especially in the beginning, when just meeting someone.  I am not brazen, not pushy, I can usually get across what I need to say with a smile, a flirt, some humor, some self deprecation, a little funny sarcasm.  But I get it across.

Games are not part of my personna.  You know, where you pretend to be what you think the other person wants.  Or just be untruthful, because you’re unsure of yourself, because you think another person won’t like you as you really are.  Personally, I think games bite you in the ass.  I think they lead to depression, to insecurity.  Control, manipulation.  Because you have to keep up the fake personna to keep the person.  Sooner or later, you wish you could just be yourself. You would wonder why you couldn’t be, why you thought the person wouldn’t care for you if you were yourself, but by then…you’ve lied to them so much, you’ve worked so hard at this fake personna, you risk ending the relationship if you make yourself known, and admit that the person they thought they knew wasn’t you.  Vicious cycle.

Vulnerability is hard.  It’s scary to put yourself out there, not knowing what the outcome will be.  But lying, faking, game playing…is harder.  It will never end well.  At some point the truth will be known, and it will leave you cold, alone, and empty.

I think the thing that shocked me the most about S was that he was playing a game….with me, with her.  with everyone, I think. He was obsessed with the game “Go”, an ancient Chinese game where the point was to have no losers so that everyone saves “face”.  I always said, look if I screw up, I don’t need to save face.  I need to own it, and change that about myself, and make amends for any damage I did.  Save face?  A mistake is just a mistake if there is no lesson learned.That’s the bullshit about shame.  We all have it, the point is to learn from it, and use it as a tool to become a better person, and raise our vibration.

I know that the fact that I kept allowing S into my life after all the crap he pulled on me was starting to damage my relationship with my son.  What a mistake that would have been, to trade off my relationship with my son for S.  Another bullet, that would have literally killed me, dodged.

It just occurred to me, that my ex, who obviously didn’t think he was lovable because he grew up in a family where love was a reward, not a fact of life, felt he had to manipulate and control people to keep them in his life.  He truly thought that if I professed to love him, which I did, it meant that I was either a.) stupid or b.) wanted something from him.  I think perhaps the same was true of S.  Because it is an innate human condition to want to be loved, but when we are taught at a young age that we are not lovable, we learn not to trust it.  To see it as another manipulation, since in an abusive household everything is a manipulation. My ex’s father was physically and emotionally abusive, his mother was passively abusive, she didn’t stop his father, and used the threat of him to keep my ex in line and in fear.  S had the same situation.

S says I can’t let go of my marriage, that I talk about it all the time.  Well, yeah, I do talk about the things I learned from it.  It was the experience from which I learned the most in my life.  I spent the first 5 years of freedom trying to understand what happened to me and my son, and undoing the damage.  I realize that the wisdom I gained from that search, might be valuable to someone else.  It has nothing to do with the marriage, or letting go of it.  It has to do with life lessons, and learning, and sharing.  I know for a fact that sharing the wisdom has helped others, when I was active in an online community for abuse survivors.

I couldn’t convince either my ex or S that they were lovable just because they existed.  It’s water under the bridge now.  I need to find someone who already knows it.

I was watching Amy Schumer on HBO last night, after my boring date.  She just cracks me up.  I love her honesty, and she’s hilarious.  She reminded me of how my relationship with S used to be, open, funny, physical, flirty, honest….  Watching her just made me laugh, and remember part of my life.  I didn’t get sad, or upset.  I know S is not that guy all the time, I know he morphs into another person when he’s with a woman that probably wouldn’t find Amy Schumer funny. Or if she did, she would think she was outrageous, and that no one is like that.  Not knowing that S was for 18 months with a woman pretty much like that, though not as funny, lol. I know he and I both thought she was hysterical.  Real.  She’s very real.

Well, whatever.  I’m sure there’s a man out there who would appreciate and enjoy an open, honest, monogamous, sexy woman, and is open to falling in love, and monogamy too.

God, I sound a little needy.  I think I just miss having sex, lol.  Nah…I need a connection to have it.  I’m just longing for that connection with someone.  I’ll find it.

Just Some Random Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

My lunch was nice.  We went to a deli run by a very upscale restaurant chain in the area.  Great NY style sandwiches, on bread that they make.  I don’t always get a sandwich when I go there, often I get their salads, maybe a feta cheese and spinach croissant.  It was Jim’s first time, I think he enjoyed it.

I explained to him about the freshness of the breakup.  How the relationship was done, but it was still fresh and I was being very cautious, and taking things slow.  He seemed ok with it, He said, “one day at a time.”  I feel better that he knows this about me.  He still wanted to make plans for Friday night.  🙂  He had a son who played hockey until about the same age as my son, so we exchanged some hockey stories, some stories of our youth. our lives. He had his new phone, I sent him his first text today, lol.  And I was the recipient of his first one, ever!!  LOL.

I had a spell where I missed S today, like crazy.  I managed to work through it.  I got back to the place where unconditional love for him is the only emotion I am comfortable with, it is who I am, it is what I believe.

We talked a bit tonight at book club about soul journeys, and contracts, and agreements.  There is a well known surgeon who has written books (or a book) about this. His name escapes me at the moment, I’ll have to find out from my friend who has been to one of his workshops.  But he says, he is sure that in a past life he murdered someone with a knife.  So in this life, he is saving people with a knife.  So, perhaps if we were abused in this life, we are learning the other side by asking to have a life in which we are abused, because we were an abuser in a past life, so that we can know the light and the dark, and grow and evolve.It’s an interesting concept to think about, and we only touched on it.  It leaves a lot of unanswered questions though.

Dr. Brian Weiss, head of Psychology at University of Miami, and author of Many Lives, Many Masters, (and many other books about past lives) found that often the same group of people agree to incarnate over and over again, to work out karmic differences, or to help each other achieve a goal, a lesson that one of them wants to learn.  I think this explains how there are some people with whom we have an instant and enduring connection, against the odds.

I was at a meditation group one night, when  new girl came in.  She sat her chair down next to me.  Instantly, really, within minutes we were in a deep conversation, about crystals, and meditation, and a whole host of other things.  We were on a high speed information exchange.  She and I have remained friends since then, she put me in touch with her reiki teacher when I wanted to become certified.  I used to see a lot of her, but we don’t connect much anymore, because the group has been disbanded, and really people’s lives just run in different directions, intersecting for awhile.  But we always both said we felt like we had known each other forever, immediately.

I’ll be honest here, I felt like I knew S, and loved him,  before I ever met him.  I guess I won’t find out in this lifetime, but it was similar to my friend above.  I don’t know if he ever felt that or not, but really that kind of connection is really on a level I have worked at for a long time, as did my girlfriend above.   And really S and I are so different, such different experiences, there was nothing really to bond us, except a love of the sea, which was strong in both of us.  I always loved that I didn’t have to try to explain it to him, I just knew he felt the same way about it. I’ll always appreciate all the places he took me to along the shoreline.  Though, I’d liked to have gone in the summer too, lol.   Night and day.   But we did….for awhile.  Daybreak and sunset.

Just kind of ruminating on it, because of the discussions we had at book club.