I left work about 6 tonight, 9 hour day.  Stopped at the store on the way home, because my house is so barren after being gone 4 days.  I was eating dinner about 7:45 and the guy I talked to that wants to meet called me.  We talked for a half hour, and it was fun!  We laughed, we related.  We like a lot of the same things.  Including beaches, the ocean.  He told me about a place he likes to eat in a fishing village in Rhode Island.  When we hung up, and I said, I’m looking forward to it (meeting him), he said, “Me too!  We have so much in common.”

So, so far it appears hopeful.  You never can tell til you meet someone, if there’s any chemistry.  I hope there is.

I was a bit angry with S, for not leaving me alone, and trying to manipulate my emotions again.  Creating chaos which in my head, which is his specialty.  (Along with my ex)  But I got over it, by thinking about A, and how he treats me from 2000 miles away, he can make me feel loved and cared for.  He is such a blessing to me, I was wishing that he was here last night.  I think about how I gave up his sweet love for S, God how stupid I was.  But I was lucky, A still tells me he loves me.

S….is full of his old BS.  Maybe I have been a challenge to him, IDK.  But I hope he will crawl back into the woodwork with his bitchy, silent, thoughtless, selfish girlfriend and leave me alone. She’s perfect for him.

Being with my family reminded me how it feels to be loved unconditionally, without games and manipulation, and being used, taking without giving.  And A….who reminds me that I am valuable, to him.  He makes me feel good about myself.  The man I’m going to meet seems to be like A, positive, happy with himself, loves his family the way I love mine. So we at least have the basis of the same values.

I think that because I came from such a dysfunctional marriage, I thought I needed to be with someone who had experienced dysfunction in their life, or they wouldn’t understand me.  I thought I wasn’t healthy enough for a healthy person.  As it turned out, I am, healthy enough for a healthy person.  My basis, my values, instilled in me as a child, are still there, and still what I crave.  I still like people who are outside the box, but not dysfunctional. No loners please.  No one so selfish that they would do what was done to me, and then not leave me alone.

I guess that was the lesson, and lessons never come easily.  Pain is necessary to grow, and the lesson here is that I am not dysfunctional.  And that it doesn’t take someone who has lived with dysfunction to understand me.  In fact, someone who has lived with it his whole life is less likely to understand me, or anyone.

I know I maybe sound angry and bitter.  Well, yeah, to be dumped as I was, to realize that he’s been seeing her since she first called him, and not telling me, to be playing me now….that does still make me angry.  But I don’t care that he’s with her, I see that they are two loner peas in a pod.  Perfect for each other.  A lifestyle that is the last thing I would want.  The very last choice I would make.  Games.  I wish I could find out who gets to screw the other one first.  I could take bets, maybe make some money, lol.

But mostly, I just don’t give a damn what goes on down there.  There are still moments when I wonder why I got treated so poorly, and then I remember that he does the best he can, with his level of consciousness at the time.  I don’t expect he will change.  And I don’t care if he does.

My life is moving on, happily.