Category Archives: Truth and Lies

Christmas Eve Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

love and belonging

Before I went to bed last night I used my very unscientific method of confirming my feelings about knowing him from a past life, I asked my pendulum, both of them.  LOL.  They both said, yes, we have known each other in past lives.  They both said yes, I was supposed to remind him of who he was.  But no, I was not supposed to bring him back from the darkness.

Which is a relief…..Because I did my best, while we were together, to tell him that he had a beautiful soul, and that I could see it.  The darkness, the things that have happened to him in his life, have obscured it, in his own mind.  I always saw it, and even now, I know that it was his insatiable need to be loved that made him deceive.  I know his holes are so deep that he just couldn’t let go.  Such erroneous thinking.

Ruin is a gift, S.  It is the only way to begin transformation. I know he’s saying “bullshit” to that, lol.  But it’s true.  The trip back from the darkness is his to undertake, when he’s sick of having his life go wrong.

I saw him, I still see him…I forgive his inability to believe enough in himself to tell the truth.  I do know that the person the most hurt by all he did was himself.  So, the fact that I made sure she knew the truth is secondary.  If there had been nothing to tell, he wouldn’t be there.

The fact that I’m sure he blames me for the misery he’s in now….well, honestly, what he thinks of me is none of my business.

My ex has the same issues, of not believing anyone could love him based on his own merit.  And blaming me. He never was with another woman, but he lied about finances, about what he was doing, about his life, about his successes and failures, and blamed everyone else for everything.  In the end, everything was my fault, and still is, I know.  I really want to take him some Christmas food today.  I will try, but honestly, I don’t even know if he’s even living in the same place.  I’ll try, as long as I can do it without running into him.  I haven’t seen him in about 2 years, though I’ve talked to him during that time.  But I just don’t want to come face to face and have to talk to him.  It would be uncomfortable for us both.

I have considered inviting him over for the holiday.  But first, my son and he have no relationship.  My son is content that way, even though I know he’s avoiding feeling all the stuff that he had to deal with with his father.  I could not do that to my son. He’s made a lot of progress, and is a great kid, but he’s not ready to deal with his father’s abuse.

I also know that my ex believes everything we had together, all of the money and possessions, were his, not ours….so the fact that I have a lovely home while he lost everything he had because he borrowed so much money and thought he’d never have to pay it back, would just anger him.  He really thought he could lie his way out of of having to pay the money back.  He would look at me and think this house is really his, that it was bought with his money.  The fact that I worked side by side with him for 25 years, and then for 10 more ran his business while he descended into severe alcoholism, means nothing to him. I was there to serve him, not to partner with him.  I’m just so grateful that I got out before he threw it all away and was able to salvage enough to have a nice life for my son and myself.

So I have to leave him alone.  But I’d still like to bring him something, so he’d know we were thinking of him.  He can use that information however he wants, to build his ego or to regret his actions that caused him to lose us.

I got a message from a guy on a dating site this morning.  His profile just made me laugh, it was so obviously a spoof on profiles.  It’s too bad he lives a little too far outside my geographic area, about an hour and a half or so from me.  But God, I hope I actually find someone who has a sense of humor like that.  It would be so much fun.

It seems I mostly get messages from men who live in California, Arizona, Texas….lol.  One this morning from Manitoba Canada, lol.  I live on the east coast, it’s pretty densely populated here.  But most of the profiles I come across are so boring!  Where are all the funny, alive men?  That was the attraction with S, he made me laugh and he was never boring.  If he just could have been honest, geez….

Well time to wrap gifts.  Make cakes. Clean up the kitchen, the house.  My son is working all day, so won’t be home til this evening.  It will be a nice low-key evening and I’m looking forward to it.

Happy Christmas Eve to all.

 

To The Shore, Or Not….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sleep did not evade me last night!  I got about 8 hours, albeit broken by waking up every couple of hours.  But I got back to sleep pretty easily without Ambien.  Yay!

My energy is my own this morning, and that feels good.  No angst, except about how I’m going to do everything I want to do and still maybe get to the shoreline, lol.  Grocery shopping first, my fridge is so bare! And putting the outside lights up, which shouldn’t take all that long.  I promised my son I’d make cookies too.

The shore is about 45 minutes from me, which means an hour and a half drive time.  Maybe an hour there.  Maybe take a pad of paper and my kindle, read and write.  Or just use my phone to write.  I think I need to go.  Need those negative ions that blow off the water and connect to my soul.  The endless sky and water, and the islands, the places of my dreams that are also places I have some warm memories of.

I have some memories of S at the place I would go.  (That’s a pic of it at the top of the page.)  Our first date, which ended because the park closed.  We spent the whole day together there by the water, just walking and talking.  It is also the place where he first told me he wanted to be alone, it was last spring, and figure out what he needed to do with his life. He said, “I think I’m gonna break your heart again.”  I answered with a smile, “Again?” We walked on the beach, we sat at a picnic table, we walked around the park and talked.  I didn’t get upset, at all.  I remember he was turned around as to where he was in relation to the water and the islands, and insisted that one island was another.  These were the waters I lived on, on my boat, for 30 years, so I told him when we walked up on a ridge he’d see I was right.  And of course I was.  I laughed and said, “See….here you have a woman who knows the waters around here like the back of her hand and you don’t want her…”  He looked at me and said, “It’s never been a question of not wanting you.”

I asked if it was a temporary or a permanent break, he said “I didn’t think temporary  was an option.”  I told him that I think he probably needs to do it, and if he wanted he could just check in with me when he felt like it, let me know how he’s doing.

Obviously, that was all because Betty was back in his life, I know now.  Why he didn’t want to tell me the truth I don’t know.  But at any rate, when I didn’t get upset and just was a friend to him, he asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner (which never meant just dinner).  So much for not seeing me anymore.  I said to him, “you just said you wanted to be alone….” He said, “but I like you so much when you’re like this….”  Lol.

I do think he had a soft spot for me, and in some warped way wanted to keep me in his life, while he kept her.  It’s just too bad that he couldn’t own the truth with me.  He could have kept me in his life if he had, as a friend.  If he could own what he’s done now, we might be friends again.  I never could hold a serious grudge.  Even for this, if he’s learned his lesson and can stop lying to me. I would never be intimate with him again, but we could at least talk, he could still make me laugh.  Maybe.  If he could own his story, and stand up and be counted.

Of course, he may be holding a grudge with me, for making him tell her, for bringing the truth out.  But I think, really, he knows that it’s his own actions that caused the situation.  Not the fact that I insisted the truth be on the table.

At any rate, I don’t feel like I’d be triggered into anything if I go there.  I feel like it’s all a story of my past now.  Distance and time have given me back my own life.

Time for me to get my day underway, if I really want to get everything done today.

 

 

A Good Place

Posted on by learning to live like water

a good place.jpg

Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Just Some Observations

Posted on by learning to live like water

 I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal. 

I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us.  What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?

How could it not be special?  He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.”  How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?

Well, we always pay.  What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with.  No wonder his diabetes is back.  No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer.  Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night.  Nothing is for sure anymore.

I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist.  I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes.  I thought it had to do with his breathing.  Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.

It’s all just an observation now.  I look at what happened without emotion now.  It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.

You wake up, and say, it was just a dream.  An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.

I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze.  I’m letting go, with every word I write.  7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.

 

It Wasn’t Revenge

Posted on by learning to live like water

He thinks it was revenge.  Revenge for breaking my heart.  Does he not know that a broken heart stems from love?  Does he not know me at all after all this time?

He said he will never forgive me. I said “why would I care if you forgave me?”

It us only important whether or not I could have forgiven myself for standing by, watching, an not doing anything to prevent any more heartache. 

It was for her.  It was because I saw someone getting the crap beat out of them every day, by a lie they were unaware of that was growing daily.  How do you stand by, when you see someone getting set up for the kill, against their own wishes, and do nothing?

It was for her Scott.  It wasn’t about you.

You devastate me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

As the weeks went on, I saw what you were doing to her.  You were still telling me you didn’t want a loving relationship. She obviously thought she was in one.  She had no idea, none, that daily you were laughing inside, as you tried to get me to see you Sundays, Wednesdays.  And if it wasn’t me, because it wasn’t, soon enough it would have been Samantha, or someone. Because you don’t know why you can’t have whoever you want whenever you want.

Your dream, to have a different woman every night of the week.  Your fantasy.

Her fantasy and mine, to have a man who loved them, and was faithful to them, and building something that bordered on miraculous.

It was for her.  I couldn’t stand by and watch you play with someone else the way you did with me.  I couldn’t watch as you set someone else up for a fatal blow at a time of your choosing.  You know I cannot remain silent, and watch someone get hurt. If you don’t know that about me, it’s because you didn’t pay any attention, you just took what you could from me.

I told you, if you want to be loved, then be lovable. Your actions are not separate from the person that you are, they are a physical manifestation of who you are.

Who you are, right now, is not lovable, because you used two women for your own purposes, oblivious to the pain you would cause.  I told you to stop acting wounded.  You have no idea what a wound is.  You didn’t love either one of us.  You are incapable of loving someone.  You are only capable of stealing from them, to bolster the empty hole that is your heart.  Stealing their pure love, their energy, their lives, so that you can believe you are valuable because these two women love you.

I have told you 100 times, I saw your soul.  Maybe 1000.  You know it was true, you know I knew things about you I shouldn’t have known because you didn’t tell me.  I told you your value is within.  Find it.  Take this time and find it.  Stop leaching off of me and her.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you when you were a child.  It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday.

It matters what you choose to do today.

Try loving yourself, enough to acknowledge who you have been, and to try to be the person you want to be.  The person you think you are when one of us took you to our bed and adored you.

We deserved to be adored back.

It was for her.  It was never about you.  You and only you are responsible for your life.

FB Shocker, a Complete Story of S’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a shocker tonight.  S always said that he didn’t have a FB account, that his employer didn’t allow it, or want it.  I believed him, why not?  I never checked, but tonight, just fooling around, I found him easily. And his girlfriend.  Wow….just another punch to the stomach on how stupid I am, or was, how easily I believed him.  I mean wow, that must have been so much fun, it must have felt so cool to deceive me.  Like it was so hard…like I didn’t love and adore him. \

Your specialty S.  Lies and deception.  How is it even any fun, when it was so easy with me?  When you said there was no challenge with me, I didn’t realize you meant there wasn’t any challenge in deceiving me, in wrapping me up in your lies.  I thought it was because I made sure you knew who I was, and you didn’t have to work at it to find out.

I sent him a friend request.  LOL.

It is very tempting to bring her out of her “ignorant bliss”.  I have all the texts from the week before he dumped me in the trash.  I wonder if she’d like to read them?  He always said she said if he cheated on her that was it.  He freaked out that day when I said I was going to make sure she knew what he was doing all week with me. God it’s tempting.  Really tempting.  He would call me vindictive.  Yeah.  Exactly.  He totally deserves it, and more.

I’m not really interested in further engaging him, (well ok I just sent him a hateful text, well deserved.  But he’s blocked and cannot answer it.) nor am I interested in getting her up-to-date.  Any woman who would do what she did deserves what she gets.  If, and it’s a big if, what he told me about her was true.  I have a feeling the truth was bent and stretched, and that he’s been trying to get her to leave her husband all summer.  In fact, I’m positive he was seeing her all summer.  It’s why I didn’t see him. He wanted to keep us both.  But she didn’t know about me, or at least, not the truth.  She commented on a post he made about his friend dyning back in April.  That’s when their communication started up again, that’s why he began pushing me away then. Not because he was broken up over his friends passing, but because she was back in his life. Here I was running to his side worried about him.   Asshole.  It all makes sense now, but dang, I am really just so stupid.  I am glad though, to have clarity on who he is, what he was doing, and what happened to me.

As I said, I would prefer to just get as far the fuck away from those two low lifes as possible.  She has a dragon fly as her profile picture.  Maybe that’s why I saw one the other day, to warn me.  She’s about a spiritual as the prison whore. Dragonfly my ass.  Greenhead fly, the kind that bites your ass and leaves a bruise.  Whore. Bitch. User.

It kind of makes me sick, to think I was intimate with him, while he was seeing her.  Slimy, like I was with a slimy slug.  Real creepy.  I’m lucky I didn’t get a disease.

Deceitful.  Sick.  Liar.  Liar liar.  I wish his pants could be set on fire.

A week ago he was trying to convince me that he cared for me.  Geezus, I’d hate to see what he’d have done if he didn’t care for me.

Not that it matters now.  I am over him, I’m over our non-fake-self-serving-him relationship, and if I wasn’t quite over it before, to find out he deceived me in this way would have done it anyway.  I mean, why?  But why, is the question with anything he does.  It is all self serving, and designed to make him feel important.  It’s the sign of  someone who has no self esteem whatsoever, and steals it from who ever is stupid enough, or loves him enough, to give it to him.

He’s gonna be nervous now, that I’m going to tell her what he’s been up to with me.  Let him sweat it out.  It would be good for him.  He hated that I was on here, speaking my truth.  Said I was “trashing” him all over the internet.  My God, he deserved 1000 times worse than I ever said about him.  He is the epitome of a filthy dirtbag.  I didn’t know.  He’s a good actor.

God, what a scumbag.

Anyway, I had a lovely day.  I was at my BFF’s for awhile, watching movies and hanging out.  I am waiting for A to get home from working on his house, he wanted to talk to me tonight.  I got a lot done around the house, and did some cooking for this week. I’ve been having a nice conversation with a seemingly nice man, who has family and grandkids, and seems happy to share himself.

Soon, S will just be a pimple on the ass of my memory.  That’s all.  My belief in unconditional love is being sorely tested at the moment.  Can I stay with it?  I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.

I Just Wanted the Truth.

Posted on by learning to live like water

God, I can’t stop writing.  The words are like a volcano, spilling out of me, running down my face, over my heart, like smoke coming out of my ears and every part of my being. I need to get it into the universe and let the higher powers deal with it.  I SO don’t believe he hasn’t seen her.  I am SO sure that was a bold faced lie.

He texted me early Saturday morning, and NOT for the rest of the day.  I texted him, no answer.  No response.  Because he was not alone.  I know his habits, I know how he works.  I went out Saturday evening.  I realized by then that I needed to not talk to him, period, so I had him blocked, but he didn’t try to reach me.  Because he was busy.

Sunday morning, I got a brief text from him.  I sent him 3 more, one of which he got because he talked about it today, but never responded to Sunday.  But he told me he didn’t get anything else after he texted me.  When I said, well you got the one about the snake….he backtracked, well I got it but didn’t think it needed a response.

Oh no, I texted you freaked out and didn’t need a response.  You didn’t respond because you were busy.  With someone else.  Probably out to breakfast with her, where we used to go and where you went with her before.  Showing everyone there because the waitresses all know him, that she was back.

Except….she couldn’t do for him what I could.  Not gonna get into it, just that I am guessing she couldn’t do that.  They probably tried more than once.  So….he back tracked and they decided not to get back together because it just wasn’t working or gonna work….and he knew in his own demented mind that if he was with her, and I knew it, I’d never be with him again.

Now…I might not.  But the best, very best chance he had was to tell me the truth.  And to apologize for all the hurt he dished out and made me sit through.  To come squeaky clean and take whatever the consequences were. I smell a lie, I smell it like a dead fish, when someone is circumventing questions, trying to distract you from your intended purpose.  My ex was a champ at it  And I learned not to believe anything he said.  I KNOW that what i heard in that phone call was NOT the truth.  “I don’t know, it never occurred to me…” Bullshit.  “I only talked to her”  Then why couldn’t you talk to me too.  Why no word from you for 3 days?  “Because I didn’t want to deal with your anger.”  Well….I wasn’t angry yesterday morning, when he sent me that short text.  It was obvious to me that he snuck off, or she was in the bathroom or something and that’s all he had time for.  It was obvious that a decision had been made about her when he first contacted me today.

He says, “I was thinking of driving up there today.”  WHA??  No, I don’t want you up here.  I suppose he thought I was so into him, that I’d be thrilled and put all the bs he dished out to me away, never to be spoken of again.

Guaranteed that she knows nothing about me. Guaranteed.

So, I’m sorry, I’m ranting.  I just have to get this out of me.  Even if my version is incorrect, technically, I know it wasn’t the truth.  The truth rings, all the pieces fit together.  The truth is not a a bunch of disjointed, disconnected statements that have little or no bearing to the actual recorded events.  I just want the truth, I want the whole truth, I want it spoken so I have not one unanswered question.  I deserve that.  It’s what I give.  I want it back.  A hundred times I have said I would take a brutal truth over a pretty lie any day. And anyway, there are no pretty lies.  They are just ugly, manipulative, spoken by creeps without conscience, and they lead to destruction.  Every. Single. Time.

This was just more bullshit.