Exorcising The Ghosts

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

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I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

Trying to Get Back to Myself

I just watched a documentary on Lama Garchen Rinpochet, who is considered to be a Buddha.  My friend with whom I am staying last night and tonight, had the great honor of meeting him.

Evolved, to say the least.  He travels the world, for the purpose of bringing love to all sentient beings.  All, not just some.  People cry, sob, for the love he gives them. You can see pure joy on their faces.  .

Unconditional love.

And that’s how we become happy, according to the dharma.

I believe it. I am finally getting back to the place where I know that unconditional love is my way.  I know that is when I am happiest, when I am acknowledging that believing in unconditional love means, loving people, without judgement, despite what you may feel on some other, less evolved, level.

The documentary reminded me who I was, who I wanted to be.  The nastiness of last week set me back.  I felt like I had to reclaim my life, my memories, what was MINE back from those who wanted to take it from me, pretend it never was, that it didn’t exist.

Tonight I remembered, I realized, that it’s mine, and try as they might, they can’t take it, so why get upset?  My life, my experiences, my truth, and my unconditional love can’t be taken. By anyone.

So,  the investment I had in bringing the truth to light, caused me to experience some really ugly emotions, some mine, some theirs.

I realize that there are people who are attached to their pain, to their story, that believe spreading it around will make it thinner for them.  But the opposite happens, and it becomes pervasive.

I have released all attachment to that outcome. I know what is mine, in my heart, and can’t be taken by that darkness. I know what was, what is, and I know where I want to go.  And that’s back to forgiveness, and unconditional love, and sending love and light to all, including those who tried to take it from me. They  need it most of all.

Love and light….. 🙂

Sacred Sunrise

I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.

I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.

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Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.

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It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.

I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest.  I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down.  I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.

I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.

I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.

It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.

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Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.

Gratitude and Release

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I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.

 

WWYD? (What would you do?)

 

What would you do

What would you do?

If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex?  Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?

What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?

What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently?  And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help  him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.

What would you do?

Well, I wrote them both an email.  I told the story from my perspective.  I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed.  I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship.   I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.

I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.

What happens now, is what happens.  Probably nothing.  I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it.  Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale

But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here.  But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her.  For God’s sake.  I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him.  I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.

It’s over now, I want to let it go.  I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was.  I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for.  And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.

He’ll never be able to love anyone that way.  But I know there are other people, men, who can.  He was good practice for me.  I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.

I want someone who I can trust.  Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness.  I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.

So, what would you do?  Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary?  I’d love your thoughts.

 

What to Do If You’ve Been Betrayed

Marianne Williamson is one of the great spiritual teachers of our time.  I have written so much about betrayal, and forgiveness, and how to deal with the whole situation that I recently experienced.  She is brilliant.  Just brilliant.  Love is truly the greatest, and I believe only real, power in the universe.  Watch this, if you’ve been betrayed.  (And I know there are a bunch of us out there.)

 

Don’t Look Back

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Maybe I tried too hard to dig down and let stuff go last night, because he’s been in my head all day. Not all good, not all bad, just is there. It could be just those bottom layers, coming up, needing to be sat with before they will depart for good. IDK. You’d think with all the work, and cord cutting he’d be gone from me. It scares me to think I may never be rid of this connection with him.

I’m cleaning the house, and once again, ridding it of things that remind me of him. I need to put away the prism light he gave me, taken out when he came to see the day after my mother died. I was so bereft, and he offered, and I was so glad to see him, and have him here. His presence was comforting, and sweet, and caring. We didn’t intend to do what we did, but I guess it’s’ just how we are. I remember putting my hands over my face, wondering what I was doing, but not stopping. It felt like I was undoing some of the torture from the way we ended last October. I remember not wanting him to leave.

I have to put away the coaster I put back on his side of my bed, taken out when he spent the night here a few days later. And used again, a few days after that.

Small things…..that’s all I have are small things. Except memories. None of them are small enough.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment. I knew he was confused, hell, I was SO confused, and he professed to love her but be mad at her for “running”, after telling him she could deal with whatever was in my blogs. She couldn’t, not many women could. I told him that. I was just happy to be with him. We felt close, he confided so much in me, I talked him down, I made him see that all might not be lost. I probably also thought, how much could he love her, if he’s in my bed a week after she leaves him? But never said so, I didn’t want to know the answer. I was in the moment, I loved him, I wanted nothing but his happiness, and to be with him. I saw him in pain over her, and tried to help. It wasn’t even hard to do. We pledged our close friendship always.

And then he turned on me, when she found out that the following weekend I’d spent it at his house with him. He’d already said he wanted to cool it between us, he needed time to think. I was ok with that. But I wasn’t ok when he found out she was hurt by it, and said he hadn’t wanted me there. That I was pushing. That was so untrue, that was such an attempt to rewrite history. He wanted me there, just like he wanted to come up here the week before. 3 times in a week. Even that day, that he found out that she knew. Hours before that he’d asked me to call him and wake him from a nap. So, I did, and he kept saying how he wished I was there. To negate that there was something between us, because she was hurt, was so disingenuous, so hurtful, such a betrayal, again. It wasn’t all lust. We spent hours talking, literally hours. More than ever before. Every night, texting in the day, and suddenly he’s telling me I was pushing and he didn’t want me there. It angered me more than hurt me, because I had no expectations of a future with him. I’m moving, he’s a mess….I just didn’t expect him to disown whatever it was that we had. It wasn’t what he had with her, but it was something. It meant something to both of us.

So, today, I will put these things away. I’ll get out my sage smudge sticks and cleanse the energy in the house, and also around me. Someone told me to ask for my aura to be protected from his energy, so I’ll do that too.

I’m going out with a friend tonight. Food, drinks, a band. It will be good to be around people, it will bring me back to this moment, the present moment. To the good life that I have. I’ll remember how little joy there is with him, in the long run, it always ends up being painful, I always end up hurt. I will walk, not run, away. Just walk at my own pace, there’s nothing chasing me, even though I’ve been looking over my shoulder, wondering. I need to remember there’s no joy in the place I’m walking away from. So stop looking back.

Working Hard at Letting Go

I’m back from the gongs.  I kind of set an intention in keeping with my last few blogs, to let go of that which no longer serves.  I have done this on many levels, but if I want to fully cleanse myself, I need to do it at some very deep levels, where this attachment, this connection is hiding out.

I lay on my back for much of it.  Usually after about 5 or 10 minutes I am kind of curled into a fetal position, lol.  Tonight, I just wanted the vibrations to slide down and through my body, to enter everywhere there is a crack or a wound.  I kept thinking about, just let it go, just let it go, with love and light, just let it go.

This connection is hard-wired I am afraid.  I finally was asking for help from whatever spirits might be available, particularly Archangel Michael who has that awesome blue sword, to come in and cut the connections during the tsunami’s of sound .  In the vibration of the gongs, I could visualize the energy cords radiating out from me, and Archangel Michael gracefully slicing them all away from me.   I repeated the mantra, that I no longer want, no longer welcome, any energy connections from him.

I have done this before.  I did it with my ex husband and it worked quite well.  I have done it with S, and it works for a day, for an hour, for whatever, it’s never been permanent.  I asked that it be made permanent.  Regardless of it’s origin.  You may remember that my friend who is a medium suggested to me that he was my twin flame, and that’s why the connection couldn’t be broken.  I asked tonight that even if that’s the case, which I hope and pray it is not, that the connection must be able to be severed somehow.

I’m ok, for most of the time.  I don’t get sad, but I do get angry at the betrayal again, just of the last few weeks.  The dishonor he puts on me, saying the things he did, and on himself, and on her, not trusting her with the truth.  Seriously, an untruth honors no one.  But these are things I need to let go of on the deeper level.  I suppose I’m really angry at myself for believing him for those 3 weeks.  Believing that he’s gone low enough to change, that he’d hit his bottom and could now manifest the man I’ve always seen beneath his bullshit.

Well, now I know.  I don’t know what it is with him that when she shows up in his life he becomes a total asshole. Well, he does, that’s all.  It’s not m problem any more.

Often times, the effects of the gongs don’t show up right away.  Often the work shows up in the next few days, as your body absorbs and assimilates and adjusts.  So tonight I’m going to bed quite tired, quite exhausted, content, relaxed.  Knowing that I am doing the work that needs to be done to release myself.  I wished he weren’t so much on my mind tonight, but he was, so it is what it is.  I have to allow it and deal with it, and not bury it, or ignore it.  Let it in,  make it’s presence known and then, let it leave through the back door.

So here’s to letting go of stuff we don’t want, need, or serves us any purpose.  No matter what the origin.  There has to be a way, in this lifetime, to walk away from it 100%.  If anything can help, it will be the gongs.

Crazy Day, With a Few Demons Thrown In

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Kind of a weird day…..

First of all, I had to spend $345 on a new muffler.  My son chastised me because I never wash my car, so the undercarriage never gets washed.  The muffler was rotted out.

None of that would be a reason to chastise me, except that for 30 years my ex and I ran 3 full service car washes.  And I KNOW that it’s true.  Now that I have to actually pay for a car wash…it’s maybe once every 3 or 4 months.  And I hate waiting in line for a car wash, so….I won’t stop if there are more than a couple of cars in line.

Make it past tense…I know better.  I’ll do better.  LOL..  Plus I will move where the roads are not coated with salt and other stuff 4 months out of the year.

Then…I may have written some of this awhile ago.  Can’t remember, not going to go look it up.  Last summer when S disappeared for 4 days, after stopping me from breaking up with him with the excuse he was really sick, he had terrible headaches, he was going for an MRI and a CATscan to make sure he didn’t have a tumor or an aneurysm.  That was on the weekend, and on the following Thursday he disappeared, would not answer my texts, or my calls, or my emails.  I was in a panic, I thought he was maybe laying dead in his house.  I was calling the hospitals to see if he’d been admitted.  Seriously.  Finally, I remembered he’d said he might go to New Jersey to see his mom, but had assumed he wouldn’t with his health issues.  I later found out (if it’s true) that his mother died.  But that doesn’t explain disappearing, not answering my panicked messages.  I asked him in January, when we were talking, if B went with him and that’s why he wouldn’t answer me.  He said, no she didn’t go.  But really, I don’t believe him.  There’s no other reason for him to do what he did.

So once I figured out that must be where he was, I got drunk, to numb the anger and pain he had wrought on my heart and soul and mind.  I wrote a blog called “Comfortably Numb” because that’s what I was seeking, to be comfortably numb.  I searched for a pic on Google using those 2 words, comfortably numb.  Not being a huge Pink Floyd fan, I’d never heard the song, or even of the song.  But when I found it, because the search was full of links to it, perfect, I put the link on the blog.  Pink Floyd is S’s favorite band.

Later, a month or so, he told me I “stole” the song from him.  Wha???  Whatever.  He said it had a lot of meaning for him.  Well it did for me too, when he fucking disappeared after such a heartfelt plea for me not to abandon him.  (Of course, he had B…so it was all a play and who the hell knows how much is true?)  I had downloaded it to my iPhone already.

When we broke up, I deleted it from the playlist.  It was too dark for me, about a junkie getting fix, or whatever junkies call it when someone is sticking a needle in their arm to numb them up.  I kept it on my phone, after all I’d paid for it.  But didn’t want to hear it.

Today, it started playing again.  I went to check to see if it had somehow reappeared on my playlist, and no, it had not.  But it was playing.  It did this about 2 months ago too.  And then it stops and I don’t hear it for months.  Whatever.  Just seems weird.  I half expected to hear from him.

Then, last night I saw a pic of a guy from my hometown, who happened to be my ex’s roommate when he was a freshman in college.  I wasn’t friends with him really, when we were in high school, but became friends when I started seeing my ex.  The pic was with another friend of mine.  So I “liked” it.

Today I got a FB message from him, saying hi, very nice greeting.  Asked about my ex, how to get in touch with him, did we ever get married…LOL.  So I gave him my ex’s number, and said I’m sure he’d love to hear from him.  I hope he calls him.  I called my ex to let him know.  He was happy, and grateful, it was ok to talk with him.  Still wants to tell me how bad things are for him, (as if it’s my fault I think) but I’m used to that.  Nothing is his fault.

That seems to be a main character trait of the men I fall in love with.  Nothing is their fault, really.  Even if they pretend to own it, they really don’t.

So, by the end of the day, I am exhausted, emotionally.  What S did last week, denying me to her again, is sticking in my craw today.  I hope it will go away.  It’s who he is.  He could never stand up and say to her, I may have messed up but I wanted to be with her, for xyz reasons.  Because he did….for God’s sake.  She’s not stupid, she knows that.  But he looks like an ass.

Oh well.  Crazy day.  I hope that Comfortably Numb stops playing.  I hope my old friend calls my ex, it will give him a lift.  And I hope the muffler bill doesn’t spike my credit card bill too much, lol.  And I hope he comes clean with her, but I doubt it.  I’m going to try to wash the feeling of betrayal all over again, out of my system.  At least I know her now, I know she’s not stupid, or mean, I know she knows I cared way too much for him.  I know she doesn’t blame me.  She’s gotta battle her own demons with him.  I have looked mine in the eye, and stared them down.  They know better than to fuck with me again, lol.

 

 

 

 

Still Waiting…..

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Maybe I’m just tired tonight. It’s getting late for me, because I’m up so early. Maybe it’s because I was alone all day.

But I’m sad. Just, sad. I miss him, and I don’t. I remember how I loved him and I don’t anymore, but I miss loving him. I used to be able to call his name in my head, and I’d hear from him. I don’t now. I think about calling him that way, and then every version of the conversation that could possibly take place runs through my head and it’s never good, it never serves any purpose except to re-open old wounds.

I wish I could just let go. I wish I had no connection to him except the 18 months that I knew him. I wish I never knew what he felt, and I wish I had never called his name and had him answer. I wish he’d never said to me, “if something happened to you, I’d know. I’d just know.” Because if that’s true, he knows right now how my heart aches. And I believe it’s true, that he knows. Because I know when his does.

Right now, I know he doesn’t blame me, he doesn’t hate me. But he never wants to talk to me again, because it reminds him of how utterly stupid and self-absorbed and self-centered he is. And what he lost because of it. He knows he cannot hide from me, because he knows that my soul and his recognize each other over the lifetimes, even if he says, “We can’t know that…” Instead of me reminding him of the light that shines somewhere under all those layers of darkness that he hides under, I remind him of how he put his own interests ahead of everyone, and ended up with nothing and no one. A barren landscape that once held so much promise.  I never wanted to bring him shame. 

Why do I even care? I am strong, independent. I have created my life so that I can live it out the way I want to, and don’t need anyone. But I wanted him, I think that has gone on for a very long time. I knew this when we met, I knew that I already knew him.

I read a couple of old blogs from the 3 days over which the truth became known in November. I don’t know why I read them, maybe I was just trying to keep the memory of my disgust, my amazement at the depth of what he did, alive so I wouldn’t miss him, so I’d see how utterly without conscience he was.

I remembered all of that, but then I also remembered when I loved him. I also remembered when the end started, and I also remembered how I kept asking him to just let me go. I remembered how it unraveled slowly all summer and then he let it build back up, he pretended we were going to be together in the way I’d dreamed of for months. He let my emotions crescendo, maybe because he wanted to feel how much I loved him just one last time, just before he destroyed me.  It’s hard for me to imagine that he didn’t purposefully cause me all that pain.

I found this poem I wrote one week after I last talked to him, the day that she got my letter and I told him he was dead to me.  I’m going to put it here again, because I think it’s pertinent to the way I feel tonight. It’s called “Awaiting Transformation”

Day dawns,

First light glows the horizon

Soft pink

Where heaven meets earth.

The sky still indigo directly above,

With one solitary star still visible

On this cold clear November morning.

The trees are bare,

The earth in New England settles down

For a long winter nap.

All of the the past year’s leaves and flowers

Lay on the ground

Ready to begin their transformation.

We mourn their passing,

Yet

At the same time

We know at the first breath of spring

They will arise to become

something once again beautiful.

I will rest with them

Let my heart

Heal in the warm unconditional love

of the universe

All the pieces I have so carefully put back together,

And the ones I have not found yet,

Will meld together again,

Become whole once more.

I will leave the old hurts in the ground with the leaves

Covered in the blankets of snow

Knowing that the spring will come.

Awaiting transformation.