Category Archives: Blessing

Hockey Lessons

Posted on by learning to live like water

hockey lessons

Geez, I had a good day on WP.  Not a lot of visitors, or likes or comments, but like double the normal amount of views.  I have no idea what caused it, someone was reading old posts.  But it gave me a lift, it’s nice to see interest, although a few likes would have been nice, lol.  But then, maybe it was someone who didn’t want to register. 

Whatever.  Brene Brown says the world needs us to share our creativity, and this is mine, at least it’s my most passionate creative effort.  So I am happy for a day when twice the normal amount of my blogs are read. 

I got my hair done tonight. It’s such a treat to have it done.  Feels like pampering myself.  My hairdresser has two young girls who play hockey, and since my son played for 10 or 12 years, we have a lot in common.  I so remember our lives being wrapped around that sport.  Crazy. Hours in the car, driving all over New England for a one hour youth hockey game and turning around and coming home.  It would have been great family time, if my ex hadn’t been such an ass, and had to “coach” my son by telling him about everything he’d done wrong and “motivating” him by telling him he sucked at the game.  Poor kid.  I tried to stay out of it, because that only made it worse.  But there were times I couldn’t.  To sit in that enclosed car for 2 or 3 hours and listen to him verbally beat up my son was unbearable at times.  So I’d interfere, and redirect my husband’s anger at me, and off my son.  About the time my son got bigger than my ex, and a lot tougher, my ex stopped.  It also helped when I moved out, because he needed my son as an ally. 

Luckily, my son loved the game, and played anyway, and actually became quite good in spite of his father. (It’s no coincidence he hasn’t talked to his father in about 5 years.)  Many years he played up a year to the next age group.  He’s a big strong athletic kid.   He finally had to quit to be free of his dad, but he learned a lot of good lessons.  How to think on his feet (hockey is one fast game), what team work is, commitment to something, to other people.  How you can’t bullshit your way through life.  If you throw bullshit around in that game you’ll get hurt.

And how to skate like the wind.

Well, life lessons for a young man from hockey.  Some for his mom too.  Maybe even for his father, if his father can sit down and own what he did.  But I doubt it.  He seems so stuck on a life that didn’t work out the way he wanted, despite his best attempts to control the behavior of everyone around him, via threats, and yelling, and brow beating, withholding….

He never understood that the only control he ever had over my son and I was the amount he loved us. And that never showed up at all. Both my son and I tried endlessly to earn his love, his approval, to meet or exceed his expectations. Never could. Not when he changed by the minute what he expected or wanted from us.

I don’t understand the mind set. Well…I do. He believes love is something you earn, not something you deserve just because you are. He used to tell me to “use” my love for my son to motivate him. To give it and take it away as a reward or a punishment.

Can you imagine? Geezus.

It was the main reason I left him, almost 9 years ago. I had to give my son a choice, I had to let him know there are other options, other ways to live that are joyful. I wanted him to know that living in a household where two parents can’t say a kind word to each other, and the father has a temper tantrum on a regular basis that included throwing things, and making messes for me to clean up, wasn’t normal. I needed it for me, but if I didn’t do it for him, I would have lost him, I know.

So, wow, I wasn’t expecting this blog to go here, but it did….

Better times started the day I moved out. There were rougher times, but that was the beginning. The end of the fighting, anyway. Except in court, we did that for long enough.

We have such a good life now. Just blessed, really. It all turned out well, I think we learned our lessons. I know that love is the overriding emotion in this household. And that’s the only way I would have it.

Love and light, all…..

 

 

 

Peace and Some Blessings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Thank you all for the thought and wishes. They are so much appreciated.

I am oddly at peace today. I am so happy she went peacefully in her sleep. And after my visit to the psychic, in which my father said he was there with her every day, I know she and he are together, that she is whole again, and at peace. She had a long and good life, which she made for herself, and the help of the universe.

She’s being cremated in Florida, and then at some point we will all meet in Virginia where her remains will be buried next to my father. So, there is no rush to get down there, it is simple and easy, just the way she would have liked it.

I am exhausted today. My phone was ringing like crazy this morning, and I had a lot of work to do in the house too. I slept only a few hours last night, but tonight I think I’ll sleep easily. I feel her love wrapped around me like a blanket.

Been thinking so much about what’s important in life, and what isn’t. And really…not much is except the love of your family and friends, and their health and welfare. I hope I go peacefully in my sleep.

I was very glad I’d been to the gong meditation last night. I think it helped me to be in a place to accept. I have done so much of my major healing there, from many things. I am making a conscious effort to stop blogging the painful breakup with S. I really feel it’s over and done, and right now feel there’s nothing more to say about it. Of course…..I have been known to have a random thought that needs working out, lol.

One of the blessings of this blog, aside from being a venue to work out my own thoughts and issues, is the number of friends I have made, from all over the world, and a few close by me, who have experienced the same thing. Unlikely friends, we are united by a common experience. It just goes to show that we are all, really, part of the one great thing.

I had to draw my own conclusions from the information I could glean from such “reliable sources” such as Facebook, my own blogs, trying to sync dates and events. I know that not all the conclusions are correct, or the way it was. When I have found out that I was not accurate, I have tried to own it and make it right.   I do think that the broad strokes of the picture I got and wrote was fairly accurate.  You guys are so great, you have kept me on the straight and narrow when my own judgment was severely clouded, and supported me at times when I felt completely alone.  I am so grateful.

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.

A Good Place

Posted on by learning to live like water

a good place.jpg

Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Tale of Two Men, or , Too Long In the Darkness

Posted on by learning to live like water

two men

One man is mad with power.  Unable to feel empathy.  Disrespectful of everyone’s wishes, desires, love, care….dishonors everyone, in the pursuit of what he wants.  Never accountable for the destruction that he leave behind him with every footstep.   Convincingly, he tells people what they want to hear, and when they believe his false story, he uses them to do his bidding.  So they will fill his need, his desire.  He offers them some future compensation that he knows he will never give them.  Pretty soon everything he says is a lie, and darkness surrounds him and follows him and envelops anyone who tries to love him.

One man is vulnerable, sweet, loving, fearless.  He feels others pain, more acutely than his own, and is there. Beside them.  Wiping their tears, reminding them they have worth.  Sees people at their worst and tells them that’s when he loves them the most.   He never misses a chance to connect. To be kind.  To show his love, even if he knows you don’t feel quite the same. The light follows him everywhere, every word, every breath.  If he goes into the dark, he brings the light with him.

With the first man, the love was fire, and now it’s ash.  It’s a gray film on the heart, all the loving fire has been dulled, and burned out, burned away.  The fire of lies, and deception reduced it all to nothing but powdery ash, waiting for the first rain to wash it into the ground, to begin transformation into something else.

With the he second man, the love was cool, and now it builds.  He is easy, his warmth crosses the miles.  His unconditional love floats on the breeze and caresses my soul.  She thinks, why….do I deserve this?  It’s not to ask….

There is no asking, why, for either of them.

One chooses disconnection, disinterest, disharmony, solitary solitude.  Why?  It’s not to ask, it’s his to tell, if he ever chooses to.  Or to hide.  Or to hide from.

One chooses love, connection, compassion, kindness richness of life.  His light just shines.  Why?  It’s not to ask.  It’s to accept. Why?  It’s his to tell if he chooses.  Or to live.  He doesn’t care why, he just is.

Two men, a perfect dichotomy.  Everything one is, the other is not.  The ying and the yang, clear in front of me.   I rest.  Too long in the darkness, I seek the light.

 

Return to Happiness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy.  I bet it’s been months since I felt happy.  Just happy with myself.  Happy with my life.  Happy to be independent.  Happy to have so many good friends.  Happy that I can stand up and be counted.

I got so much done today, the cleaning frenzy continued until 5 PM, when I quit and was exhausted. So now I’m on the couch, on my second glass of cabernet, watching Sex and the City.

I will wait til I move to Florida I think, to do any serious dating.   Really, I need the time to myself.   It seems stupid to get involved if I am moving.  And God, I can’t wait to move.  I’d do it tomorrow if I didn’t have a house to sell.  Ready for palm trees and beaches that never close, warm water, tropical breezes and family and friends, no more winter and no more drama.

I will miss my friends, but they all say, “Go!  We need a free place to stay there….”  And have made it clear they will reciprocate in the summer.  So it’s the best of both worlds.

I’ve not had any energetic spikes that I can’t identify since yesterday morning.  That’s been a huge relief, to know I got the help I asked for. Every second, farther down the path of my own life.  My solar plexus and sacral chakras are fine.  Nothing stirring them up.

I’m thinking there’s someone there for me.  Someone who loves to laugh, and play and only needs one woman in his life.  Especially at this age.  I think that most people, when they get into their 60’s, are done with the games. I know I am.

I always eat at Whole Foods before the gong bath.  Their pizza rocks.  I also always load up on dark chocolate there, they have so many different kinds!  So tonight I have my choice of 85% dark, dark with crystallized ginger (my all time favorite), dark lemon ginger (which is awesome) and dark chocolate with sea salt.  Should last me a couple weeks.

Life is good.     Been a long time since I could say that.  I’m free, with wine, and good chocolate, phone calls with good friends.  Yes, life is good.  Been a long long time since I could say that.

Blessed, Just Blessed

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s the day after, lol.  I am exhausted, but happy.  Sitting in my sisters gorgeous home on the side of mountain, it looks like a castle, and feels like one.  I feel like a princess at the moment.

The wedding was the happiest most wonderful experience I have had in so long.  Years, maybe.  My whole family, except my son and my mother, are here.  My sisters, nieces and nephews, and old family, my ex brother-in-law and his awesome new wife, his sister and her husband, my current brother-in-laws family, his daughter and son. Friends of my niece that I haven’t seen in 30 years or so.

We were cracking up, saying it’s just a lovefest when we are all together.  So much laughter, hugging, catching up, and in this gorgeous setting.  The wedding was at the log cabin I put up a pic of in my last blog, it’s another of my sister’s beautiful homes.

The vows took place at 5 pm under an arbor built on the dock in the lake.  There was a bar set up on an overturned john boat down near the lake, with wine, beer and hot apple cider.  Up near the house was a huge tent, heated, with a dance floor, dj and tables for 160 people.  There was another bar near the house, and appetizers everywhere that my sis had planned and we had all pitched in to put together.  The dinner was a buffet BBQ.  Perfect.

The weekend was so what I needed. To be surrounded by people whose values, and life experiences are shared, and are the basis for all our interactions.  We have all had our setbacks, we have all dealt with adversity, tragedy, but our love for each other overrides all else.  I had forgotten how my little sis can make me laugh.  She’s the one person that with me, can get hysterical and we can’t stop laughing.  It was joyous.

My older sis just did so much work for this day.  She had everything laid out perfectly.  She had a minute by minute itinerary, so that nothing would be forgotten.  (Although, my little sis and I are so much more laid back, we were laughing saying to each other “our sister had some control issues.”  because when she tasked us with getting the cheese trays for 160 people ready, she wanted to tell us exactly how to cut the cheese into cubes, lol )  But she is beautiful, smart, funny, and only she in our family could have pulled this off.  Not to mention between the two houses, there were bedrooms enough for all the immediate family.

At one point after dinner, in the tent, I was watching the dancing and “We are family” came on.  I got up and ran to my two sisters, and we danced together, to “We are family, I got all my sisters and me.”  We included in our dance circle, where we had our arms entwined, everyone who cared to join us and brought in everyone we could find.  We all felt like family. I am so blessed.  Just so blessed.

I got a few nice texts from A, hoping I was having a good time, and making me laugh.  I got a nice voice mail from a man I spoke to last week, also wishing me a wonderful weekend, and saying he hoped to meet me when I got back.  And a text from yet a man who has asked me to call him when I get back.  I have let go of the past, I am so looking forward to the future, and letting the old stuff just rest in the realm of life experiences.  I am good with it all.

I think I’m being redundant, here, lol.  I think I said that last blog, but it is so true.  At the end of the day, we only gain from each life experience.

And so, onward.  Life is indeed wonderful.

Occulting Happiness.

Posted on by learning to live like water

End of vacation, end of the weekend.  I had a wonderful week off, but it makes me want to go back to work tomorrow even less.  I will have about 1200 emails to read, countless calls to make, orders to process, and ship, and UGH.  None of it stimulates my creativity at all.  But it pays the bills for the time being.

On the other hand….4 days in the mountains, a day in Newport, 2 days just cleaning my house, doing laundry, reading, relaxing, an amazing graduation party for my best friend’s daughter who I love so dearly, and then today…spent at the beach with my two best friends, a hot summer day, spent talking about the great party last night, laughing, reading, sleeping, listening to a thousand happy kids splashing in the water, the not so big waves breaking on the shore.  The islands in the distance, every single one of which I’ve overnighted in their harbors many times, were visible floating on the mist that rose from the sea.  It was a perfect end to a perfect week.

I have less than 2 weeks til my carpal tunnel surgery.  I can’t wait.  I am so sick of only having basically one useful hand, not being able to write, or even open a jar or a bottle of water. And of it hurting all the time.  My son will take me and bring me home from my surgery.  One of my friends will come over and spend the afternoon with me. I am so blessed.

I remember a time, not so terribly long ago, when I first was happy, after I left my ex.  And the feeling was so foreign to me, I hadn’t been happy in so many years.  I remember my “aha” moment….OMG, This is what happy fees like.   And now, happy is where I’m at most of the time.

When you’re traveling by sea, and reading a marine chart, every light on a buoy or a light house has a different light pattern, so you can identify it in the dark and know where you are.  One pattern is called “occulting”.  which means that the light flashes on for longer than it’s off.

That’s what my happiness is now.  Occulting.  It’s on more than it’s off.