Category Archives: gratitude

Loving the Mundane Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

Joy-in-the-Mundane

Living in New England this winter is schizophrenic.  Yesterday it was almost 60, after an incredibly out of season torrential rain all night with winds around 50 mph.  Trees down all over the place.  I had to re-route my drive to work yesterday because of trees down on the back roads.  And today, the high will be about 30, tomorrow morning +10-15.  You barely know how to dress from day to day.

I am glad though, that it’s not frigid cold every single day like last year.  And that the price of fuel oil is about a third of what it was last year.  I got 210 gallons yesterday, first time in 2 months.  For $1.49 per gallon.  Last year it was over $4.  Nice to heat the house for less than $500 for the winter.

I have been sleeping so well lately, except for the night that I had all those nasty hockey/abuse memories.  It’s nice to not have all that emotional upset that became my normal state for so long.  I’ve been able to focus better at work, starting to actually see daylight on getting caught up with my work there.

This weekend will be for cleaning my bathrooms, and my garage.  Once I do that, I think I can show the house if the people who are interested want to see it.  If they don’t I’ll call my neighbor/realtor and talk to her about getting it on the market when I get back from Florida.  Need to set up my appt’s with realtors in Florida too.

Life is calm, it’s good.  Mundane, lol.  It’s so nice.  Had a long conversation with one of my best friends last night, equally split between her life and mine.  It was actually nice not to be the one with major problems, lol.  I remember thinking that when my divorce was final, and I was moved into my house.  Thinking “God it’s so good not to be the one with all the problems for a change!”  LOL.

So, hoping for a mundane day for all of us, lol.  Love and light.

 

 

Saturday Morning, Post-Gong Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

sun and moon

Today is the first day it’s been cold enough to feel like December.  It’s not going to last either, and is supposed to warm up again next week.  I am delighted at that. Saving so much money on heating bills.  And I haven’t had to break out my heavy coat yet.   With the winter solstice upon us, that’s incredible.

I love the two solstices, winter and summer. For opposite reasons….Winter because it marks the end of shortening days, and the return of the sun.  I’ve always wanted to see the Paul Winter Consort Winter Solstice concert at St. John’s Cathedral in NYC.  I have a friend who has gone many times.  He has brought in a sun gong for the last couple.

I love the summer solstice, because it is the longest day of the year.  I LOVE long days.  I love sitting outside at 9 PM in the twilight, watching fireflies, talking with friends.  I used to love someone who liked to do that too…..  Hopefully I will find someone else who can delight in the simple pleasures that the universe gives us.

I have a cat, who was given to me by my bff when I was living alone after I left my ex, and my son was living with him.  I was fine alone, I didn’t have an issue with it.  It was still better than dealing with the chaos my ex caused moment to moment.  But my friend couldn’t stand that I was coming home to an empty house, and foisted Maggie on me.  She’s never been a lap cat, never been cuddly.  She’ll sit beside me at times, but never on my lap.  This morning, I was doing my meditation, and she climbed up on my chest, and sat there purring.  I don’t know what all that was about, but it was sweet.  My head had been pretty clear of thoughts, and when she did that I just thought “love” over and over.

Trying to keep my emotions in check as we approach Christmas, and I’m alone.  Trying not to miss him.  It seems ludicrous to my mind, to miss him.  But last night at the gongs, I think I realized he really did have affection for me.  I’ll leave it at that.  I just started trying to dissect it again, and backspaced out a whole paragraph.  I don’t need to go there.  I know what it was, and I know what it is.  That’s enough.

As with yesterday, I am grateful for what I do have.  My son is off this weekend, it will be nice to have him around.  My bff and I are making Christmas cookies tomorrow.  We make 5 or 6 or 7 kinds, her daughter will be with us, home from college.  We generally have spiked eggnog or something while we do it, and Christmas carols on, and laughter.  Oh I love the laughter.

Laughter endears a person to me like nothing else.  And I haven’t done enough of it in the last 6 months.  I intend to change that balance, so that laughter is the rule of the day, and pain rarely shows it’s face.

Love and light to all.

Choices

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had an unusual conversation with A last night.  He had taken a “good morning” pic of himself in his bathrobe, and said something like “Good morning sweet Deb” or something, but sent it to the woman who he’s been seeing in Santa Fe by mistake.  It was not risque, it’s something he does every day.  But, of course, it did not make her happy…..

I felt bad for her, really, and for him.  He likes her, and I’m sure it would be hard for her to understand our intimate but non-sexual relationship.  I asked him about the other woman up in Michigan, and he said she was off with her “other” boyfriend.   He’s thinking he’s not going to try to be monogamous.   The woman in Michigan is obviously not, the woman in Santa Fe obviously wants to be, but apparently that picture ended it between them.

I told A I could never NOT be monogamous, I can’t do casual sex.  I said, “S would have been happy if I could have done it.”  LOL.  Personally, I don’t see A as the casual sex type, and in fact, I’m pretty sure if I agreed to have a relationship with him that way, he would be completely faithful to me.  I think if he falls in love again, he will be monogamous.  I think he’s just craving affection right now, reacting to the fact that I had to shut down the plans to get together over Christmas.  I know I broke his tender heart again.  I had to be honest.  Maybe it was too soon for me, but I think it was just chemistry.  I have tried before to feel passion for him, and I sometimes feel it but it never lasts.  I want to feel it for someone like I did for S, every day, every moment.  I want to be enough for the person I feel like that about, and he will be enough for me.

I don’t want to share, I don’t do it.  Don’t want to even know how to do it.  S once told me I can change myself so I’m not so jealous.  I said, I don’t want to…..I see no benefit in it.  S felt every relationship was different, what he had with one person he could never have with another, so he wasn’t sharing.   No, except his body.  His intimacy.  Probably his thoughts and feelings.  The things that make a relationship special, and wonderful, to have one person who knows you and cares for you, and has your back.

Nope, not interested in multiple partners.

But the difference between A and S is that A will tell a woman up front, that she is not the only one.  He won’t pretend to two women that they are the only ones, and then do what he wants, the way S did.  A will give a woman a choice first, if she wants to be with him when he might be with someone else.  Neither me or Betty was given that choice, we were taken by deception.

A can stand in his truth and be himself, and own his story.  S cannot.

A has never been anything but monogamous.  I don’t think this choice will last for him anyway.  I think he’s just looking for affection til he finds love.

Interesting, though.  To compare A’s telling me this, honestly, and S playing me (and Betty) for the same end.  I wish he’d been honest with me.  That’s all.  So I could have chosen to have done what I did with  him, knowing the truth, or chosen not to.  But he took my choice away with lies and deception.  We cannot even be friends now, the truth would have at least salvaged a friendship.  It’s too bad that he chose that road.  It’s too bad that he still has not owned it, at least with me.

He will say he has.  He said he will pay 5 lifetimes for what he did to me.  But that statement is about him….how it affects him.  It has nothing to do with acknowledging how it affected me.  It is about how he will pay, not about how I already paid the price for loving him so much.  He’s sorry because he will have to pay.  He’s not sorry that I had to deal with lies and betrayal by someone I completely adored.  He can’t feel my pain, he can only feel his own.  I would guess he feels his own pain with Betty too, but I doubt that he can feel the real pain that he caused her with is lies and deception too.

I have managed to pick myself up, on my own.  To take the hand of the universe, and my friends, and stand back up, dust myself off, bandage and care for my own wounds.  S caused utter devastation and walked away from it, uncaring, unfeeling.  Truth be told he did that with Betty too.  He called her on the phone to tell her, he couldn’t go to her house and face her pain. I told him to go sit with her while she read the hard truths in my letter to her, and face her pain, and deal with it. To let her see him deal with it.  But he didn’t.  He left her alone, to deal with it by herself, as he did me once the truth came out.

At least he treated us equally.

Any way, my feeling is when you choose not to be monogamous, especially physically, you open the door to pain and hurt.  At least, you have to be like A and say it up front, and let someone have free will and choice in whether or not they wish to be with you.  I would always choose not to be with someone who was with other women.  Always.  I should have been given that choice with S.

 

As Good As It Gets, for the moment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Mondays I work late, til 7.  I started work at 9.  So, it was another long, busy day.  It’s good, that it’s busy.

But now I’m home.  I’ve eaten leftovers from Sunday, when I usually manage to make a decent meal.  I have a half glass of cabernet beside me, 3 squares of dark chocolate, in my warm fleece jammies, lol.  It’s about as good as I can get it at the moment.

Good, considering I was a little angry about things today, but I wrote the anger off to the still present emotional waves.  When I thought about how cruelly he ended it with me 7 weeks ago, and then wouldn’t let me go, kept calling and texting and leaving me voice mails, asking me to come see him, right up to the moment he was exposed, and then had the unmitigated gall to ask me to lie for him….Geezus.  It just pissed me off.  I mean, really what rock did he crawl out from under?  But I’m over it.  A little rage bubbles up, I consider the source, and honest to God, I have to laugh at someone who is so clueless.  Geezus.

So, now I’m home, in my beautiful home, relaxing, writing, being happy.  A is texting me with his undying love, which from 2000 miles is a soothing.  He has gutted his new home, he’s sent me pics.  He and his son are doing all the work.  A is 69, man, he’s working his ass off physically.

I so didn’t want to be at work today.  I can’t wait to put this house on the market in spring.  I am believing that it will sell by summer.  I just can’t wait to retire, and not work.  Own a home with no mortgage.  I wanted to be writing all day today.  It has become such a passion, to sit down and put my thoughts and emotions to written word.  So healing.

My cousin was reading some of the poetry I’ve written and put up here last night.  She knows what I’ve been through and could feel it in what I wrote.  She said, “Damn, Deb, you are good…”  I told her the only problem is that to write a good poem I apparently need to be tortured, lol. Or crazy in love.  So… lately I’m just tortured.

The love will come, the love will come.  My heart is open, the love will come.

Return to Happiness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy.  I bet it’s been months since I felt happy.  Just happy with myself.  Happy with my life.  Happy to be independent.  Happy to have so many good friends.  Happy that I can stand up and be counted.

I got so much done today, the cleaning frenzy continued until 5 PM, when I quit and was exhausted. So now I’m on the couch, on my second glass of cabernet, watching Sex and the City.

I will wait til I move to Florida I think, to do any serious dating.   Really, I need the time to myself.   It seems stupid to get involved if I am moving.  And God, I can’t wait to move.  I’d do it tomorrow if I didn’t have a house to sell.  Ready for palm trees and beaches that never close, warm water, tropical breezes and family and friends, no more winter and no more drama.

I will miss my friends, but they all say, “Go!  We need a free place to stay there….”  And have made it clear they will reciprocate in the summer.  So it’s the best of both worlds.

I’ve not had any energetic spikes that I can’t identify since yesterday morning.  That’s been a huge relief, to know I got the help I asked for. Every second, farther down the path of my own life.  My solar plexus and sacral chakras are fine.  Nothing stirring them up.

I’m thinking there’s someone there for me.  Someone who loves to laugh, and play and only needs one woman in his life.  Especially at this age.  I think that most people, when they get into their 60’s, are done with the games. I know I am.

I always eat at Whole Foods before the gong bath.  Their pizza rocks.  I also always load up on dark chocolate there, they have so many different kinds!  So tonight I have my choice of 85% dark, dark with crystallized ginger (my all time favorite), dark lemon ginger (which is awesome) and dark chocolate with sea salt.  Should last me a couple weeks.

Life is good.     Been a long time since I could say that.  I’m free, with wine, and good chocolate, phone calls with good friends.  Yes, life is good.  Been a long long time since I could say that.

Morning Stars and Hurricanes

Posted on by learning to live like water

Hard time waking up this morning.  I was in such a deep sleep.  I don’t use an alarm, and woke at my regular time, around 5:15 AM, or 5:30, but I kept dozing off for minutes, again, and I slept well, and 7 hours.  It’s as if the many nights I have slept badly are all trying to get undone.  There was a text from S, about 10 minutes after I shut off the light next to my bed, that I didn’t even hear the alert for.  Dead to the world.

When I finally crawled out of bed, shaking the cobwebs from my head, and wandered into the kitchen, it was very dark, darker than normal, because it’s a rainy dank week, and very cloudy.  But the skies must have cleared for a moment in just the spot where the last morning star this time of year shines.  I looked out my kitchen window, as I made coffee and saw it shining, like a beacon, like a gift.  One beautiful star…..It was gone again moments later,covered over again by clouds.

A little gift from the universe.  As was finding the text from S when I woke up.  As are a lot of things I often don’t bother to be grateful for.

We’re supposed to get Hurricane Joaquin Sunday night and Monday.  It’s now a Cat 3 storm.  Not likely at all that it will miss us completely.  This weekend will be storm preparations, even today, I’m going to go to the store and stock up on water, and foods that I can prepare in advance of having no power for a few days.  I live about 30 or 40 miles from the coast as the crow flies.  It wont be the worst, but we’ll feel it.  Last tropical storm we had 4 years ago we lost power for 3 days, and that was a short time, many were out a week or more.  UGH.

I’ll keep in mind the morning star….and know that it’s there under the clouds.  And will return, when the storm is over.

Grateful For My Breath

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a difficult night, and only slept a few hours.  Today will be a long day, but I’ll get through it.  My ginger kitty, Maggie, was so sweet.  She heard me break down, in the dark, and jumped up and sat next to me, licking my hand and my arm, to tell me she loved me.  She lay down beside me with her head on my arm, to comfort me.

Letting go is so hard.  It’s not just the person, it’s all you wished and prayed and  hoped would happen.  It all has to go, and it leaves a hole.  A painful hole.

He called me, he wished there was something he could do for my pain, but in his honesty, anything he could have done would have been a lie, and he hasn’t ever lied to me about it.  It’s one reason I love him, he just doesn’t lie, or make up stories to get what he wants. I told him give me a few days, I’ll be ok.

I have to remember what the psychic said….that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open. The problem is realizing and accepting that what I was so attached to was the wrong door.  But  it was.

At least my words are coming back

Breathing, just breathing, and grateful for my breath.

The Story in His Eyes

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I know an old soul. He gazes at me, at the sea, at the night sky, knowing all of us, all these things, in days past. Days long gone, eons before.

He knows that he knows these things. He never speaks of them. He is not even sure why he knows, only that he has loved someone a century or two ago. That he traveled the high seas guided only by the stars. He understands bits of languages he never learned, and finds solace on an empty winter beach.

No one knows how ancient his soul is,

No one, except me.

How do I know?

I know because his soul and mine reached for each other, through the humanness that would deny his soul’s age. We may separate for a few days, even at times a few weeks. Then one of us will reach out, one of us will call the others name. Because we knew each other then, and we found each other now.

Maybe.

I know, because he understands me, without being told who I am. Even though I have an incessant need to tell him.

I used to say to him, “I see you. Underneath it all, I see you.” He said, “did you ever think that maybe you see me because I choose to reveal myself to you?”

Perhaps.

It could be the reason. Perhaps what I arrogantly thought was my ability to perceive who he really is, was only because he allowed me to look in.

In which case, I am grateful, and honored.

He understands the way it works better than I do, I think. Except perhaps the idea of unconditional love. His humanness finds that concept to be pleasant, but rare.

Mostly I know, because when I catch him unaware of my gaze, I can see the depths of the sea, and of life, in his clear, smiling (usually) blue eyes.

When I ask him, “Do you think we knew each other before? Do you think we agreed as souls to meet up in this lifetime?” He answers, “I don’t know. And we won’t know til this lifetime is over, will we?” And he smiles, usually, laughing at me and my insatiable desire to know what happened before, and what happens after.

I still think he knows….His blue eyes tell me the story, when I get the chance to see them, gazing out to sea, or under the night sky.

Burning Man

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today my son was off work, so he and I made a run to Sam’s Club to restock the house.  He has gotten into going to music festivals recently.  He went to one in NJ, at Giant’s Stadium.  He’s going to another in NY over Labor Day and next summer some HUGE festival in Las Vegas.  We have been talking about festivals, Woodstock forward.  I didn’t go to Woodstock, I lived in the midwest then.  I told my son I’d really like to go to Burning Man.

His eyes got huge. “Really, Mom???”  It’s like a hot bed of drugs.”   “Well, sure,” I said.  “Name a festival that doesn’t have HUGE amounts of drugs.  Doesn’t mean you have to do them.”  I told him that I know a lot of people my age that want to go someday. So after he calmed down, he told me about a documentary on Netflix called Spark, which is about Burning Man.

It’s not about the music, it’s really about the art, the huge performance art.  It seemed to be about people being free, and conscious of the environment, living in the moment.  It seems like it gets crazy, but it’s so non judgmental.  And crazy in a fun way, though with the fire I guess it could easily get out of control. But mostly just crazy fun!

I was chatting on text with A who was at a teeny little country music festival up in Michigan, and he told me Burning Man is on his bucket list.  He said he plans to take his trailer with him and park it there. We said maybe we’d meet up there.  Who knows what the future can hold.  I had fun chatting with him anyway.  Amazing to talk to someone via text for a couple hrs who never tries to make me feel bad about anything.  There is never an unkind word. I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream, into one that is absolutely pleasant.

I am really blessed.  I have so much to be grateful for, and so much going on in my life.  Gonna go back to my default mode and be grateful.  My trip to NY, my carpal tunnel surgery to end the stupid pain I have.  New carpeting in my TV room, a move to a warm place and no more winter, a far off dream of Italy and Burning Man, an awesome kid, a great bunch of friends, a loving family.  And a male friend, who, at the very least, makes me feel like what I say has value.

Burning Man would be so much fun though……

Comes a time

Posted on by learning to live like water

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsWrmJjD2eY

I don’t know why we can’t keep things on an even keel.  Yesterday, driving to work, I realized, I don’t want to take the place of his ex.  I want my own new, and unique place in his heart.  I don’t want the feeling he has for her, I want my own account full of his love and passion.

When you love someone, do you ever really stop?  Do you have to “get over” them?  Or do you just have to forgive, do you just have to accept that the past will always be what it is, and move on?  I love my exes.  Not the way I once loved them, because time and events temper that, but I could never say I didn’t love them.  Even at the height of my contentious divorce, I wished no ill will on my ex, I wished he’d find a way to be happy.  I remember thinking, when things were ugly, why is he doing this to me?  I love him.  Then at some point, I realized the dark and ugly place he was living in, in his own mind, devoid of any human love or caring.  My heart aches for that and still does.

My heart aches for the pain S has endured with his ex.  I don’t know, and don’t really want to know, the whole story.  I know he loved her and something went wrong.  Now is the time for forgiveness, for her part in the pain, for his own.  And then to move on.  He never has to stop loving her, she earned her place in his heart.

Now there is another woman, who wants to walk out of that darkness with him, and find reasons for living, loving, gratitude and allowing grace to fill both our lives.  I hope I am given my own special place in that heart of his, that he opens it to a possibility at least.

We are given an endless capacity to love, which become greater as we give the love away.  There’s a Neil Young song, Come A Time, where he says, “We were right, we were giving, that’s how we kept what we gave away.”  Ah, yes Neil, that’s how you keep it and get more.  One of my favorite Neil Young songs.

I know loving is scary.  But honestly, isn’t NOT loving, ever again in your life, scarier?  Never feeling that warmth, compassion, that joy, that contentment, that pleasure, that comes with loving, isn’t it scarier to think of living without that?  Life is for living.  Life with love is like dying before you take your last breath.