Category Archives: Letting Go

Rising, Rising Strong

Posted on by learning to live like water

Woke up happy today! Even though it was my cat Maggie who woke me at 5:30, snuffing and purring around my head. I don’t know why she did, it’s not her normal MO. But whatever. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get out of bed and get ready for work. I slept well, again.

Feeling more centered and grounded, and myself than I have in a long time. There are no unresolved issues in my head. I have a lot going on, like, a real life. No illusions, it is all real at the moment, and not something I have to roll around in my head constantly wondering what is really going on. I have vacation, plans with friends, a house to get ready for sale, things to do.

There is no drama. I can’t believe what a difference it makes, to have the drama out of my life. I sleep, for one thing. I am smiling a lot more. Thinking clearly. God, it’s so good to feel like maybe all that stuff really is in the past, and I only have good things to look forward to at the moment.

I guess some people, just love the drama. I like it in a movie, or a play. But in my life? Uh uh. No. Not at all. To live it? Nope. I leave those who love it, to live it on their own. I remove myself….

Real life, real truthful, honest life is so much more interesting. Knowing who you are, and what you want is so much more fulfilling than the wondering what is going on, or the creating a situation where no one knows what’s going on. I have extracted myself from that situation.

The sun is out today, bright, beautiful. It is cold but warming. I intend to take a long walk today, hopefully I’ll find a friend to go with me. Life is also bright and beautiful at the moment.

In the words of Rumi…

You have seen my descent

Mercedes Benz

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m considering taking my last blog down. I had such a difficult morning emotionally. I had all these memories from my marriage, a difficult night’s sleep with that picture of my son all bruised in my head. Some overwhelming guilt, and it all blended in with S’s recent actions. I don’t think the gray pouring rain day was helping me either.

But anyway, I pushed through all that stuff. I sat with it, which for me means writing about it. So I did, two blogs on all that nasty, abusive stuff that my ex put us through. And one on S. It’s just that I think I’ve maybe over-dissected the thing with S. The outcome will always be the same, he betrayed me yet again. Even if he didn’t say that to her, he said it to me. He thought it. He is an asshole. I am done. I hope I’m done expending any more energy on his loser ass. If he’s sick, I’m sorry. Actually, I mean, sickER because he’s already sick. I am sorry, but I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to be encumbered by that knowledge.

Tonight I’m in a good place. I am back to my basically happy self. I know I have a really nice life. So many good things are falling into place, and so many bad things are falling by the wayside.

So…I won’t take it down, because it was cathartic to write it. But it was a wave, it was temporary. The real me is back. Don’t read too much into it, it’s just another level of letting go.

In other news, lol, I was sitting at my desk today, and started singing Mercedes Benz by Janis Joplin. One of the other 60-something women I work with sang with me. I decided at that moment I needed that song on my iphone, so I bought it for 99 cents. I need to go back and look again, because there is so much good music by Janis. But I thought I’d put up Mercedes Benz tonight, because….it’s just the way it is sometimes. Love and light all, and enjoy the song. If you don’t know it, you are young it’s short and pretty funny. And true….

Leaning In

Posted on by learning to live like water

lean-into-discomfort-1024x673

I’m a little fuzzy this morning, ever so slightly hung over from staying out and having that one more glass of wine last night. We had a nice time. The restaurant had a blues band playing, complete with a keyboard player, a couple of saxophones, two guitars, a drummer. They were good! We sat at the bar, talked to a guy who was a retired attorney for awhile. Nice guy, but obviously still angry at his wife for custody issues when he got divorced, and his kids are adults with kids of their own. Talk about holding on to something.  He was my age, but I think his interest was in my 50 yr old friend, lol. Whatever, we had a nice time. It’s always nice to get out.

My friend and I are in sync with our relationships, both of us having ended one in which we were passionately in love. We can relate. When I got home I was actually missing S, and in my weakened, too much alcohol state, it was all I could do not to text him. I wrote about it instead, but chose not to publish it. I figured I might feel different when I woke this morning. And I do. It was a wave, it wasn’t a permanent state of being. A week ago I never thought I’d ever miss him, lol. And today, I don’t miss him, not that way. I’m pretty sure yesterday’s work on understanding what was going on was just stuff that came up with the help of the gongs, that needed to be sat with, so it could dissipate. It seems to be where I am today. Learning to lean into the discomfort, and deal with it.

This is why I go to the gongs. They facilitate going deep enough, gently enough, in a safe, supportive environment, to allow the stuff that we need to let go of, show up, so we can let it go. The stuff we bury doesn’t die. We have to deal with it, in a healthy way, that is sometimes painful for the moment, but leaves you free to move forward. So yesterday was a kind of rough day, but totally worth it and it ended well.

It was so warm yesterday, so spring like! Almost 60, after being below 0 just a week ago. It was nice to go out and not have to dress in so many layers. Today promises to be the same. It’s bright and sunny out. Such a nice break from winter.

The friend I was out with is the friend who knows someone who might want my house. She told me last night they are very interested, and will probably want to see the house in the next couple of weeks. Which means, I have to continue the deep cleaning I started last week. I took a bunch of pics yesterday of the outside of the house, and my living room, and sent them to my friend. This would be so amazing if it worked. If it gets to the point of them wanting to see the house, I’ll have to get one of those “For Sale By Owner” kits, lol. I’m beginning to think the Universe thinks I need to get moved ASAP, lol!

Well, the coffee pot is on, I’m on my second cup. I need to shake the fog out of my head so I can get some productive work done on the house today. Maybe a couple ibuprofen would help, lol. I started the kitchen yesterday, but have a lot more to do.

I also want to do some cooking today. Making BBQ beef in my crock pot, and I’ve been dying for cheddar cheese cauliflower sausage soup. That will give me left overs for the week.

It’s amazing though to me, that with all this stuff to do, and with a slight hangover, I am motivated to get it done. Feel like I’m picking up speed on the walking away thing.

Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

Requests to the Universe

Posted on by learning to live like water

Daylight broke, and I didn’t wake until it was creeping tentatively through the edges of my windows around the shades.  It was lovely to sleep a little late, and have slept well.  When I got home from the gongs, and finished writing, I was just bone tired.  I think I let go of a lot last night, I let a lot of stuff that I don’t even realize or recognize, come up and begin to make it’s way out.  I felt kind of the way you feel after a really good cry, but I didn’t cry.  I only knew what I had to do to move on with my life, and did what I could to facilitate it.

Today I have no anger, at least at the moment, nor any great love.  Not really any over whelming emotion if I think about the events of the 6 weeks.  I have not heard from S since his voice mail wondering why I was so angry.  That’s a good thing.  I’m grateful for his reticence.

I’m looking forward to a calm productive weekend.  My friend, who knows someone who might want my house, texted me yesterday and said her friend is definitely interested!!  She asked me to send her any pics of the house I have.  I had none on my phone, but will take some if I can this weekend.  I may have some on this computer, but really…don’t often take pics of the house!  LOL.

I have been asking the universe to let me sell my house quickly and easily now for months.  Well, it can’t get much easier than this, if it works out!  I’m not banking on it, but the fact is there is a possibility!  When I bought the house, I had a picture in my head of the house I wanted, and this house fit the picture perfectly.  I also have a pic of the house I want in Florida, so I’m hoping and believing I will find it.

I guess that’s what I need to do with love, lol.  Ask the universe for the man I want, and need.  Picture in my mind someone actually capable of a great love, someone who knows how to build trust, and give of themselves.  Someone who can be as passionate as I can be.  I gotta believe he’s out there, and the universe will put him in my path.

I love Van Morrison.  I have a ton of his music on my phone.  I have to say, that my favorite of his songs is probably “Someone Like You”.  Which might make it my favorite song ever, lol.   I used to think, back before it all began to fall apart, that was S for me.  That thought, obviously, was so wrong.  I wasn’t ready for the man I will eventually find. I was unable to believe S when he told me who he was, literally, and he was most certainly the guy he said he was.  At least, that’s the one that manifested.  Regardless of the fact that I could see through it, and always saw the beautiful soul that he denied.  But the point is, now I hear the song and think, “Someone like you” is still out there, walking toward me as I walk toward him.

If you don’t know the song, here’s a link, with the lyrics.  This morning it makes me hopeful  Have a wonderful day.  Life is good.

Working Hard at Letting Go

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m back from the gongs.  I kind of set an intention in keeping with my last few blogs, to let go of that which no longer serves.  I have done this on many levels, but if I want to fully cleanse myself, I need to do it at some very deep levels, where this attachment, this connection is hiding out.

I lay on my back for much of it.  Usually after about 5 or 10 minutes I am kind of curled into a fetal position, lol.  Tonight, I just wanted the vibrations to slide down and through my body, to enter everywhere there is a crack or a wound.  I kept thinking about, just let it go, just let it go, with love and light, just let it go.

This connection is hard-wired I am afraid.  I finally was asking for help from whatever spirits might be available, particularly Archangel Michael who has that awesome blue sword, to come in and cut the connections during the tsunami’s of sound .  In the vibration of the gongs, I could visualize the energy cords radiating out from me, and Archangel Michael gracefully slicing them all away from me.   I repeated the mantra, that I no longer want, no longer welcome, any energy connections from him.

I have done this before.  I did it with my ex husband and it worked quite well.  I have done it with S, and it works for a day, for an hour, for whatever, it’s never been permanent.  I asked that it be made permanent.  Regardless of it’s origin.  You may remember that my friend who is a medium suggested to me that he was my twin flame, and that’s why the connection couldn’t be broken.  I asked tonight that even if that’s the case, which I hope and pray it is not, that the connection must be able to be severed somehow.

I’m ok, for most of the time.  I don’t get sad, but I do get angry at the betrayal again, just of the last few weeks.  The dishonor he puts on me, saying the things he did, and on himself, and on her, not trusting her with the truth.  Seriously, an untruth honors no one.  But these are things I need to let go of on the deeper level.  I suppose I’m really angry at myself for believing him for those 3 weeks.  Believing that he’s gone low enough to change, that he’d hit his bottom and could now manifest the man I’ve always seen beneath his bullshit.

Well, now I know.  I don’t know what it is with him that when she shows up in his life he becomes a total asshole. Well, he does, that’s all.  It’s not m problem any more.

Often times, the effects of the gongs don’t show up right away.  Often the work shows up in the next few days, as your body absorbs and assimilates and adjusts.  So tonight I’m going to bed quite tired, quite exhausted, content, relaxed.  Knowing that I am doing the work that needs to be done to release myself.  I wished he weren’t so much on my mind tonight, but he was, so it is what it is.  I have to allow it and deal with it, and not bury it, or ignore it.  Let it in,  make it’s presence known and then, let it leave through the back door.

So here’s to letting go of stuff we don’t want, need, or serves us any purpose.  No matter what the origin.  There has to be a way, in this lifetime, to walk away from it 100%.  If anything can help, it will be the gongs.

Stained Glass Windows

Posted on by learning to live like water

stained glass

My book club is reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection this month.  It’s a quick read, and kind of sets the basis for her next two books, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, which for me had a huge impact on my life.  The quote above was in the book, and I read it last night.

Isn’t this true?  I could go on, about people who never let their light shine, people who want the external light to make them become beautiful, people who don’t believe they even have a light. I have known these people.  But lately, I feel like that has been me.

My light hasn’t been shining lately, from within.  I have been angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed by the actions of others.  I read this quote and realized I need to stop.  I need to cut the cords (again) that connect me that way.  It’s not the kind of energy I generally like to carry around with me.

Everyone has their own journey, and I know mine doesn’t include constant unhappiness any longer.  No one can be in a constant state of happiness, but I can get back to my overall normal state of being happy,  being grateful for all my blessings, of forgiving and letting go, of seeking the light, not the darkness, and it’s the light within me that I want to pull the layers of darkness off of.

My lesson at the moment, is that when people behave in ways that dim my light, to walk away from them.  To let them go.  There are so many people who are innately unhappy.  I feel for them.  I have had an overabundance of empathy for them, and tried to help them find their way out of the dark.

It’s not my job.  Not to be cold, but to be real, to acknowledge that everyone has their own journey, and I can’t over-invest myself in trying to help those who are determined to live in darkness.  Everyone has a light buried somewhere in there.  They can deny it, they can cover it up, it still burns.  The fact that I could see it and want to see it shine, doesn’t make it my job to uncover it.

Everyone has autonomy over their journey.  We can’t know what anyone’s soul’s journey is, and there is always free will added to the mix.  Everyone has their karmic lessons to learn, and everyone has the choice to learn them or not.

It’s not my job to teach them.  It’s my job to learn my own lessons, and let the light within me radiate out.  If I am to teach them, let it be by example. Rumi says “The wound is where the light enters you.”  Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.”  I think I’ve been wounded again recently, that cracks have been reopened.  But I hope now, that enough light has gotten in, that I can continue my journey back to source.  I wish those well, who still cover their light.  My journey takes me away from them, from that sadness and pain.

As usual, my prayer is that the Universe work it all out for the highest good of all.  Love and light to all.

 

 

Why We Can Never Be Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

Friends and enemies

It seems crazy, I mean really mind-bending crazy, to say I miss him at all. Because every thing I think about that I miss about him, is now tainted with the deception and the lies.

I miss sitting outside, on my deck, and talking till the wee hours or in the wee hours of the morning. About anything….and just talking, and laughing. And flirting. Flirting until we wanted to go back upstairs to my room…..

I miss that.

But now I know that a lot of those nights last summer, he had come to me from her, or was going from me to her. So it’s tainted, and now it hurts to remember. Or makes me angry. Or some of both. And I’d just rather not feel any of that, so I just shut the door.

I miss our intimate sexual conversations. But they too are tainted. When Betty found out, he tried to say we were just kidding around, that he wasn’t serious.

But he was. Then. But now he denies it. He dishonors it. He makes me feel dirty, and stupid. He says it meant nothing to him.

But it did. Then.

I remember quickly, that he denied her to me. Just exactly as he denied me to her. So it’s just who he is. The narcissist who plays women for all he can personally get from them.

He used to say, in general, why can’t people remain friends when they break up? So they had some bad stuff, they couldn’t make it together. Does that have to negate all the good times they had.

I think, that in this case…. Yes. It does mean that. Because when lies and deception undercut a relationship enough to destroy it, it also undercuts everything about that relationship. All the things you valued, all the things that made you excited to see each other, that made you want each other, that made you enjoy each others company, that made you laugh til you couldn’t breathe, and then make love the same way, are all undercut by the lies, by the deceit. None of it seems real anymore. It seems like it was all a lie. It was all just a deception on someone’s part.

Not mine.

So, we have to let it all go. We can’t just let go the actual incidents that caused the break-up, we can’t just let go of the pain that caused our hearts to stop beating, at least for the seconds around the moment when we realized the truth.

We can’t keep the parts we wanted to remember forever. I can’t remember being on the beach in Matunuck or driving around in the car, or Watch Hill, or East Beach, not my deck or his or my bed or his, or any of it, not one second, without a question mark at the end of my memory. Was he playing me then? I wonder. Then? What about then?  Why did he take me there, and tell me it was his special place….and make me feel so honored he took me there. Why did he share so much of himself?  Was it even true, or just a ploy to make an empathetic loving soul have one more reason to love him?  So that now, I have a beautiful, tainted memory that I have to let go of. That I’m not sure of.

I’m letting it all go, I’m almost done. Really. It doesn’t hurt much anymore, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t keep any of it, and think it’s real. It all is pretty meaningless now. I didn’t want it that way, but he did. Or he wouldn’t have…..done what he did.

So I’ll live like water, I’ll go with the flow, and I’ll let it all go. Because that’s the way it has to be, to move on.

Christmas Morning Epiphany

Posted on by learning to live like water

Christmas Sunrise 2015

It’s Christmas morning.  I’ve been up since before dawn, and managed to catch the sunrise, which was beautiful.  It is such an unusual Christmas morning. It’s warm out, I went out on the deck to take this picture, and left the slider open, it’s almost 60° outside!  Certainly not a normal New England Christmas!

I have had a few epiphanies this morning.  One was while I lay in bed, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get up, and go to work.  For the last couple of months, my elbows, forearms and wrists have been in a lot of pain while I slept and when I wake.  I believe it’s just arthritis. At least that’s what I’ve been saying.

I did realize this morning, that the pain has increased substantially since the break-up.  I also realized I have not been dealing with it, just trying to ignore it, and have been focused more on obsessing about the break-up.  What he did, to me, to her, to himself.  Trying to understand that mindset that would create a situation that was bound to fail, to hurt himself most of all.

I decided that starting today, I was going to redirect that energy to myself, and find out what the emotional components of arthritis presenting in my arms was.  Louis Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” has a permanent place on my coffee table.  I got up, I did my morning meditation, (which I gave a little extra time today), and then consulted the book.  I was not surprised at what I found, because I knew there was an emotional component linked inextricably to my recent experience.  But here’s what it said.

Elbows (I have a limited range of motion at the moment):  Represents changing directions and accepting new experiences.

Wrists (also limited range of motion):  Represents movement and ease.

Arms (specifically for me, throbbing pain in my forearms when I rest):  Represents the capacity and the ability to hold the experiences of life.

Wow.  I am obviously not accepting, nor moving through the experience of the break-up, the deception that was visited on me, well.  It is manifesting in my body.

It had also caused sleep issues, causing me to be dependent on taking a prescription sleep aid.  I have not taken any this week, and I am finally getting back into my own old sleep patterns.  Which probably allowed me to re-evaluate this pain in my arms.

I have to look at the lies and deception that culminated in such a painful break-up as an experience. An experience from which to learn something, about myself.  I learned about trust, about loving myself first.  And I also learned that I still have the capacity to love someone intensely and passionately.

These are lessons that I would not know, if I didn’t live through that experience.  It is now my task to accept the experience, without regret.  To embrace the lesson.  It is said that those who make your life the hardest are your greatest teachers.

Perhaps, if my purpose in his life was to remind him of his intrinsic value, his was to teach me those invaluable lessons.  That trust is something earned, not given freely like love.  That we have to love ourselves first, and enough, to walk away when we recognize that a relationship does not serve us and only takes from us, causing us pain.  To know that I can love passionately and intensely?  Well, that’s just a gift.

The break-up also has brought me to feeling compassion for the man with whom I spent most of my life.  He also created a situation which was bound to fail.  There could be no other outcome of the way he was living.

It is obvious to me, that there is a healing in the wind.  Healing my bruised psyche of the pain that the lies and deception caused me.  Healing the relationship with my ex, because it may be that it’s possible now.  I will take that as it comes.  The journey back to life is still his to take.

Healing between my son and his father. I can only pray.  It’s not my relationship, I can only facilitate the loving kind of environment that would make space for it.

I hope there is healing for Scott.  Not necessarily the way he wants it, but for him to reconsider the way he lives his life, and change it so that he can live out his life in a rich full way.  But his journey is his, it’s none of my business.  I am hopeful for him, but there is no expectation.  And I doubt if I’ll ever know what the outcome is for him, of all this trauma.  So I wish him love and light, he is in my prayers.  But my life diverges, and I will be leaving that path behind me.  I just deleted the whole text thread with him, which went back almost 3 months to the week after I initially found out about Betty.  I intend also to delete all the emails I have sent him, including a lot of writing I did just for him.  I let it go, I send it to the universe now, where I trust it will be atoned and turned into something beautiful.

I see the break-up now, as a fissure.  A huge crack in my life, which not only allows the light in, but also allows space to grow.  Like a seed breaking ground to become a beautiful flower, or a tall tree, or some other magnificent creation.  Everything reaches for the light.

On this Christmas morning, I change my focus, to accepting fully and with gratitude the experiences which continue to shape my life.  I regret nothing.  I will hold the experiences, not only in my arms but in my heart.  I will change direction gracefully, and let go of the pain and devastation that has been my focus for the past few months.

The best Christmas gift I could give myself.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Love and light to all.

 

 

Christmas Eve Growing Pains

Posted on by learning to live like water

growing pains

Christmas Eve.  The cooking is done for tonight.  We had a nice meal, but now my son has retreated to his space, and I’m here alone with the tv and my computer.  I miss the old days of being with extended family, having people around.

I called my ex today and told him there was soup and cookies on his doorknob.  He seemed really happy that I thought of him, and that I called.  He got me up to date on his family.  Most of it I knew but I didn’t tell him.  He didn’t sound drunk, so maybe he has stayed off the alcohol.  We had a nice conversation, and that’s a relief.  I called him because I knew if he didn’t go out of the house through that door, he wouldn’t know it was there.  And he didn’t know.  I was glad he called.

I told my son his father was going to call him.  I told him about our nice conversation.  I said, “you know, it would be nice if we were all at least talking before we all move.”  My son nodded, and agreed.  He has not talked to his father in 4 years.  At least.  I think it’s time, really.  He’s been away from his dad for 7 years, I’ve been for 9.

His dad called tonight, while we were eating.  My son didn’t answer it, but said he would call him back tomorrow.  I would be so happy if the relationship with my son and his father improved to the point that they were on speaking terms.  I was going to say was normal, but I think that’s asking a lot.  If my son can talk to his father, at all, without fear or resentment, I would be happy.  That’s a Christmas gift in itself.

While I was writing, my son came up and he and I just had an intimate, hard conversation about moving.  He to Colorado, me to Florida.  He is afraid he won’t have saved enough money to move, and set up a new life there by the time the house sells.  He just told me he is happy here.  He doesn’t want to even move, he would be happier if we were just staying here.  But he knows I can’t stay here and keep the house if I retire.  It’s just too expensive to live here.  But we came up with a plan, I assured him I would work with him.  But it’s up to him to make a plan he can live with, and then work the plan.

He feels better.  It’s overwhelming to him, he’s only lived in this small New England town his whole life.  Growing pains.  He’s kind of been living in between being totally on his own and being taken care of by a parent.  He’s talking about embarking on his own life, and he’s overwhelmed by it.  But he’ll be fine.

I have to say, we have been happy here.  Living here has been a hard won dream come true.  This is the place where we healed from the years of abuse.  The end of this segment of our lives is going to bring big changes to us both.  They will be good changes, but changes nonetheless.

Seems like a lot of growing pains this Christmas.  My son, and his life.  His and my relationship with his father.  Me with letting go of those things that have not served me well this past year, the things that have drained me, and given nothing back.  Over the next week, I want to fully let these things go,  and focus my attention where it will move me forward in my dreams, and bring me joy.

Still, I am so blessed this Christmas.  So much to be grateful for.  And I am.  More than I can say.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

 

 

This Letting Go Is Hard-Ass Stuff

Posted on by learning to live like water

where the light comes in

As quickly as the melancholy came, it left.  Maybe because I got to have a real adult conversation with my son and his (maybe) girlfriend.  Maybe it’s because I got into making a traditional soup for Christmas.  I used to always make it, it’s my mother-in-law’s recipe, and it made my son happy.

It was probably a lot about the gongs, and what bubbled up, that memory of Scott holding my hand, that had to be let go of.  Often, you don’t feel the work of the gongs, or stop feeling it,  for a few days.  It was all symbolic.  That he wouldn’t let go of my hand, or me.  That I had to let go of him.  And now I have to let go of that memory.  All about letting go.   That’s why I remembered it then….to help me really let go.

I thought about, am thinking about, taking some soup to my ex, leaving it on his doorknob.  But I think he is always there.  I don’t want to run into him, really.  I just feel bad for him, all alone at Christmas.  I know it’s what he wants, I know he set himself up for it.  But he’s been alone at Christmas since 2008.  Even his sister doesn’t want him at her house.  Too much chaos, bullshit, lies.  It’s hard on those who cared about him.  It’s why I don’t want to run into him.

This letting go stuff is hard-ass stuff.  But when you can actually get there….even if it’s not forever, it’s so freeing.  Maybe it’s just one layer, that I managed to let go of today, but I did it.  No worse for the wear and tear.  Better than holding on to a memory that was sweet…and a manipulation to make me believe I mattered.  Realizing that it was Sunday, I realized now that he came to my bed from hers.  Really feeling special about that one….lol.  I don’t suppose she’d be feeling much different than me, if she finds out.  She might…she has the link to my blog, though I don’t feel like she’s reading them anymore.  Whatever.  The hurt, and the beauty, of the moment is gone.  A casualty of the massive deception.

But I’m still here.  I’m still me. I’m still someone with a wonderful life.  He didn’t kill me….Wounded, yes.  But the light got in.