Tag Archives: friendship

Accepting What Is, and Moving Forward

Posted on by learning to live like water

I talked to my friend whose daughter was so banged up in the car accident last week. She had a really hard run. She’s moving too, only about 15 miles away, but moving. And packing up. And her daughter was so injured. I can’t imagine what she was going through. But the daughter is recovering well, is getting around ok, dealing with the pain she has but not letting it hold her down. My friend and I made plans to go to a place down at the shore this weekend and take a breather. We will both be packing and sorting all weekend. And ready for a break by Sunday afternoon.

She offered to pick me up at the airport when I fly home from Denver, which means I won’t have to pay parking for the week I’m gone.

She also said I will have a room at her house next summer, and she’s coming to FL in March, I’m pretty sure. Good times. Close friends. Love it.

I am pretty sure tomorrow I will just order a replacement tank, maybe to be delivered on Monday on Tuesday. My realtor is asking if I can get a regular hot water heater but not thinking they are gonna say yes. So it is what it is. My friend had to spend so much to get out of her house. Home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be, let me tell you. Even if you are staying there for a long time. She and I both are of like minds, “I just want to get out of here.” A lot like when you get to the airport to go home. Just beam me up, Scotty. I don’t need the trip, I just want to be there. Overdue, you know?

Work seems hard to me lately, because I so don’t want to be there. I so just want to be in my new house, in my new life. The job keeps me tied to the past, and I’m letting go of the past. I have been focused on how hard it will be to say goodbye to my son when I get on the plane in Denver. And I should be focusing on how much fun it will be to drive across the country with him. He’s not seen any of our country, except Florida, Virginia, and the few days he spend in Colorado last February. We will have so much fun doing that, just hanging out together for those 6 days. I am looking forward to that!

I have decided to focus on the good, not the pain I will feel. This will be good for him, for me. We will always have each other. How many people even have the opportunity to drive across country with their son? I’m going to start to map it out when I’m too tired to do anything else.

I am blessed, no matter what. Fuck the hot water heater. I still have enough.

Love and light.

Good Things :)

Posted on by learning to live like water

Good-Things-Happening

It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep can do for you, lol.

I told my boss yesterday about my impending move. I said, “I’m NOT giving you my notice!” He laughed, but he was very grateful to know what my plans were because they totally affect his plans with staffing in the business. I told him that having been a boss for so long, I can see that he has an issue and that I knew I would be instrumental in solving it, so I wanted him to be able to plan. It was selfish as well, because I know I will be training anyone he hires, for the other job as well as mine, and training, decent training, will take at least a month for each position. He asked me to please start writing a manual for my job, because it is by far the most complicated admin job. He asked if I knew anyone who might be able to do my job, which is WAY unusual for him. But it requires someone who has some knowledge of bookkeeping, doesn’t want to stay tied to a desk all day, can work independently, and really likes customer service. I told him I will keep my eyes open. I told him when I accepted an offer, I would expect to have around 60 days then. He laughingly said, “Labor Day….” and really I’d be ok with that, I just don’t want to be here in the winter. I’d like though, ideally to be moving in July or August, even though it’s hot as hell in FL then. I told him I assume whoever buys my house will be a family with kids who want to be settled in before school starts.

I’m so relieved he knows my plans. It has been bothering me, and I just felt that even though I don’t have an exit date, that he’d want to know. And he did. I was also afraid that someone would let it slip since a lot of people at work know, and I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else.

He and I communicate easily, it’s a pleasant relationship now. It was hard for a few years in the beginning, but he’s come to appreciate me, I think. Not just my work ethic and ability to work without too much direction from him, but that I try to guide the younger members of our staff as to the way he wants things done.

I still have this stomach thing, I know I should call the dr, but I will pay out of pocket for it, and I hate to do that. Totally pisses me off . I feel like it might be one of my diabetes meds, which bothers me some, because it worries me that I might not tolerate it any more, after taking it for about 15 years. I take two a day, one in the morning and one at night. Yesterday I didn’t take the morning one, and I was better yesterday morning, and my blood sugar was ok all day. So I’m gonna do that again today. Maybe I don’t need 2 any more, since I lost 20 lbs. IDK. This particular med is processed through the liver, and on my last labs only a few weeks ago, my liver function was good. So it also could just be a bug. I supposed a call to the dr is in order.

I spoke to my friend in FL last night for about an hour. She is such a great person! I’m going to send her a key to my house so she can go check on it for me. Her bff there lives about 4 blocks from me, she is there a lot. She said she’d be happy to do that. So I have to have my sis send me a key, and I’ll get one made for her.

Can’t wait to go out and watch her sing. And last night she was telling me she has yearly passes to all the parks, except Disney, in Orlando which is about an hour and a half from me. How fun!!! She had a back injury years ago that has really disabled her to some extent and she’s put on a lot of weight. She is going to get weightloss surgery within the next month, because she just hates the weight (she was always thin) and it will help her mobility too. She’s so looking forward to losing the weight and hanging out at the beach with me. She can also hang out at the yacht club with me, lol. She was in the merchant marines for many years, so she can speak the language too. And we both want to find a rich guy with a boat, lol.

Anyway, life is looking good today. If I can just get this house sold!!! Gotta set some intentions, lol. Got so much to look forward to.

Love and light.

Back on an Even Keel

Posted on by learning to live like water

even keel

(( The top picture was me yesterday.  The bottom picture is me today. )

My eyes opened with the first rays of daylight this morning. I had gone to bed late, almost midnight, and managed to somehow get back to sleep for another hour. When I woke, I realized I was sore…from washing windows, mopping floors, carrying bags of empty bottles from the basement storage room to my recycling bin. I have a bit more to do this morning to have the house in shape for the showing today.

The thing was, I woke happy. Despite the early hour. Despite being alone. Despite a lawn mower that won’t start, lol. I feel like I got my clarity back, which was missing yesterday. Triggers, I guess. Just triggers. I see them, I know what they are. I just have to sit through them. Sitting with our feelings.

I find it difficult to comprehend at times, how someone could so devastate me, knowing how I felt about him, with all we shared together, and never wonder if I am ok. Never just say “hi, hope all is well. Happy for you about your Florida house.” How could I have loved, and been so intimate with someone who can be so cold? I suppose he has his own fucked up reasons. He will say he doesn’t need to ask, he reads my blog. And doesn’t feel the need to hear me say it. And for some reason, doesn’t think I want to know that he too is ok.

Whatever. I’m used to his callousness. His thoughtlessness. His selfishness. He’s got what he wants, what else matters?

Maybe just too much water under the bridge now. Idk. I was, still am, angry at him for showing her my writing. For even telling her it existed. Rightfully so. It was none of her business, what we did together. And then her, for having to tell me. So childish, immature of both of them. I’m not ashamed of what I wrote, but I wrote it for him, at his request, because I loved him. To have it cheapened, denigrated to less than it was, to appease her jealousy…..

On top of denying what he clearly felt, all the time we were together, again, to appease her jealousy.

Maybe it’s better I don’t talk to him. Some sick dysfunction going on there. Contact can only make me feel bad again. No contact is hard, but not nearly as hard as having the whole situation shoved in my face again.

Today I know I am moving closer to my dream. Today is one day closer to waking up in my Florida home, 1500 miles away from all the trauma of the last year. New experiences. New people. New joys. I am hoping that the unbreakable connection stretches thin over 1500 miles. I am hoping that I will be so preoccupied with my new life, I won’t think about the old life. At least, not the painful parts of it.

While my house is shown today, I’m going with my friend that I went out to eat with, to look for a dress for her for a wedding. And then to Sam’s Club, to restock the house. She just sold her house, just accepted an offer Friday. She got her full asking price. I’m so happy for her, and it made me hopeful. So glad I have such good friends.

That, and seeing a sundog yesterday. I think the universe knew I needed a sign. 🙂 All in all, things are moving ahead, with the plan I’ve always had. Plans that didn’t depend on a narcissistic man to complete them. I have always said, I wanted him, but I never needed him. I still don’t need him. And the want part…well….it’s fading.

Love and light to all.

On Breaking Like a Little Girl

Posted on by learning to live like water

breakingi like a little girl

So, look….I don’t break like a little girl. Usually. And not now, not today. In fact I’m a long ways away from breaking.

I am tired, I am slightly stressed. I know I need to be doing things like putting my furniture up for sale that I’m not taking with me. I’ve heard to just sell it on ebay, with a pick-up only, not to use Craig’s list. Don’t want to be letting the craigslist killer in my front door. Maybe I could advertise it in the local little paper. IDK. I need to find someone to give my old washer and dryer to, although, I have been told that Big Brother/Big Sisters will take that stuff off your hands and put it for sale in their stores, Savers. Which seems like a good cause, and I could take a tax deduction.

I need to finish getting the utilities in the Florida house in my name. I need to have the mail forwarded up here from there, til I move there.

I worry that my boss will find all this stuff out, about both houses, and it will ruin my relationship with him, which is good at the moment. Work life could get very unpleasant if that happens. But if I tell him, without an exit date, he might give me one, and I might not be ready to move, and I don’t want to have to pay this mortgage if I don’t have a job. So every day I feel like I’m taking a chance.

I want to find out what a POD will cost to get my son’s stuff to CO. I need to get costs on moving my stuff to FL.

Yesterday I was sat on my deck and fell asleep in the sun. It was lovely. But while I was there, I thought about how I ran into a good friend at the store yesterday, in the organic produce section, and we talked for 15 or 20 minutes. She wants to try her hand at jewelry making, for a hobby, because her youngest child is about to go off to college. So we made tentative plans for me to go with her to get some basic tools etc, and I told her to come over some Sunday (her husband works weekends) and we’ll sit on the deck and make jewelry…drink wine…

Anyway, sitting out there yesterday, thinking about that, I thought, God, I wonder how long it will take me to have friends like that in Florida? Friends I can make spur of the moment plans with, like going to Costco Saturday with my bff, like going to my cousins to do reiki, like having this friend over to make jewelry on the deck. I will miss my peeps so much. They are my family here. I’ll have to create a whole new family and that’s a little scary.

Altho, my bff said Saturday, “we want to come see you as soon as you get settled.” And I know she means it. I said, “October, you will love it there in October. You will be getting pissed because it’s getting cold here…Florida is lovely then.”

But still I had this dark vision of me sitting alone every weekend there, nothing to do and no one to do it with. It was momentary, because I know I will make friends, and I know that before I’d sit all alone, I’d probably head to the beach or my sisters, or something….But, you know, the fear kind of showed up momentarily.

But, I guess the point is, it doesn’t break me. I think a broken heart can break me, but even that only momentarily. And who knows, maybe I know enough now to work through it, without feeling broken at all, if it happens again. Plus, I think I learned enough lessons from the last two men, to choose better, and not fall in love with someone who will treat my heart so callously. I’m sure there are men who actually appreciate a loving heart, and will treat it lovingly in return. I’m hoping I find one in Florida.

Maybe at the yacht club, lol. Or maybe I’ll get a fishing pole and go down to the fishing pier and find a fisherman, one that doesn’t get a thrill out of being helicopter lifted off a sinking ship. One that just likes to catch fish, and be near the ocean. Calmer…..more content. More appreciative of the joys life offers every minute. One who doesn’t need to be walking on the edge to feel alive. One who feels alive every moment he takes a breath, and finds wonder in that gift.

So, the opinion once given me by the man who broke my heart, that I break like a little girl, well, I am gonna guess that he has probably discarded that opinion of me anyway. I broke like a grown up, and I did my work, and I once again found a new path that will work for me. I’ll get through the hard parts of it, probably by writing, by being near the sea every day, by finding joy somewhere every moment.

I won’t walk the edge, I won’t risk falling off. And if I slip, I won’t break. If I crack, well…I’ll let the light in, let it weld the pieces back together, and glow a little brighter when it’s over.

Love and light.

Everyone Needs a Little Nietzche in Their Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

dancing

Well, here I sit, ever so slightly hung over and tired. I went out with a girlfriend last night, for a couple glasses of wine and a bite to eat. We generally have gone to one of two fairly local places, but last night tried a new place. We prefer a kind of smallish place with good food, a bar, and live music. This place had all 3, and we had a ball.

We were sitting next to a table of 3 people, and by the end of the night we were sitting with them. We were all dancing, joined by another woman who was at the bar with a man I assume was her husband. Anyway, she was clearly older than me, maybe in her 70’s but was dancing with us. The music was great! My generation music, and a complete band, with lead guitar, bass, drums, GREAT keyboard player, a woman saxophonist, and a guy just on harmonica. The woman was playing the sax on the dance floor with us. One of the guys was buying shots for us while we danced, (I only had 2).

I have not danced in YEARS, except at my high school reunion. I was always at dances in high school, because my boyfriend played lead guitar in a good band, they had gigs most every Friday and Saturday, so I was always dancing with my girlfriends up by the band. But my ex-h could not dance, had no rhythm, lol. So we never danced, and I have found myself now self conscious about it. Lately though, going out with this friend who loves to dance, I have been freeing myself up from that feeling that I was making a spectacle of myself, and just decided to “dance as if no one was watching.” It was so much fun!!

Generally when we go out, we are home by 11 or so. Last night I didn’t get home til midnight…and was exhausted, after working my butt off on the house. But my garage is now acceptable, except for the stuff I need to take to the dump Today I’m going to attack the storage area in my basement. Then really, all I need to do is to clear the kitchen counters, etc. My yard needs a spring clean up, but I’m calling someone to do that. I just can’t…I have shrubs that need cutting back, and beds that need to have the leaves cleaned out of, trees that need pruning. I just can’t do that. And my fireplace, lol. Not sure what to do with that.

My brother-in-law called me yesterday, and talked to me about some of the issues the inspection on my house turned up. He didn’t feel any of them were really anything to worry about. The report said I didn’t have sufficient amperage in my electric service to run the house. I have 100 amps. But he talked to people who know, and said I should never be drawing more than 60. And that if the 100 isn’t enough I will know soon enough and can get it fixed then. So we will just use that to negotiate, but perhaps I don’t need to spend the $2000 to get it upgraded after all. The report said the hot water heater needs a relief valve or something, that it could cause the heater to leak or drain, which could cause a flood. Well, this is true….but the hot water heater is outside, so who cares if it leaks? It’s not like it’s in the basement (which would be the case where I live now) and going to flood the basement. So that’s all good news. I’m feeling good about the whole thing. I think I’m getting a really good house for the money right now.

I am getting more excited by the minute to get moved down there. I’m seeing it come closer and closer. Feeling the life I dream about becoming reality. Feeling blessed.

Love and light to all.

Blessings Abounding

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
I’m sitting on my friends patio having coffee. It overlooks a little lake in the middle of her complex, with egrets, and ibis, ducks, and palm trees. So nice and warm. Probably about 70. 

We had such a ball last night. There were three of us, we were missing our 4th member of our group, so we called her on the phone in the Midwest and put her in speaker and it was like having her there, lol. She stayed on the phone for a couple hours till it went dead. 

We were at times laughing hysterically at the stories we had to tell. Soooo good to belly laugh. Today we’re going to some art place called The Blueberry Patch. Then to some place that my friend whose house we are at promises is awesome pizza. 

I’m thinking I’m gonna meet with the realtor again at some point before I go, put in an offer and leave a check with her. I can’t tell you how much I love this little house. And to live a mile from a beautiful beach!!!!  There are so many cute shops and galleries and great restaurants here. But it’s small and largely undiscovered by the throngs of tourists that come to FL. It’s the height of season now, and in so many beach communities here the traffic and crowds are unreal. But not in this small town at all. 

3 doors down from this house is a community garden where you get a little patch of ground to grow whatever you want.  People plant veggies like cabbage and kale along the sidewalks here, for the purpose of anyone who wants or needs them taking them. Kind of a passive “feed the world” thing, and it makes attractive landscaping too!  

I love the progressive and kind of liberal attitude here. Bohemian almost. The house I love is yellow with orange shutters, and light green trim. So Florida!!  So many houses like that here, bright vibrant colors, unusual artwork and sculptures in their yards. 

Plus, even tho the house is only a mile from the water, it’s not in the flood plain!  So I don’t have to worry about that crazy hurricane insurance. Plus the back yard has a couple of big trees for shade, so important here. 

I will love it here I know. Especially with friends and family nearby.  I have to get this house!!!  

I’m feeling really blessed this morning. Love and light, all. 

Getting to the Other Side

Posted on by learning to live like water

NewLife

I got so much done on my house yesterday.  I think one more weekend and it will at least be ready for these people who are interested to see it.  My son promises to go at his space today, and it’s by far in the worst space in the house.  I just have the bathrooms and the garage to do.   Even if these people don’t end up buying the house, at least it will be ready to put on the market, pretty much, when I get back from Florida.  I will need to paint the deck, but I don’t think I can do that until the days are longer and warmer.  End of April maybe.  I’m going to hire someone to come in and get the yard in good shape, cut back the shrubs, etc.

I had so much fun talking to my friend in Florida last night. Old friends are so wonderful to have.  I haven’t talked to her, except FB messenger, for a long long time, but we know each other so well, we just pick up where we left off.  I just love her to death.  She’s just one of those people who never allows anything to take her joy of living from her.  I can’t wait to see her.  Having her there, where I want to live will be like instant immersion into that life.

Which will move me at light speed  away from this one, lol.  It’s time, really.  Definitely time.  It’s funny, I have had the plan to move to Florida since before I met S.  The relationship with him did not deter it.  It has always been there.  It could have worked out in many different ways, either for us, or for me.  If he had wanted a relationship, and to retire, we could have shared each other’s homes, had a place to go in the winter in Florida, a place here in New England in the summer.  And kept our independence, both owning a home.  We could have just visited each other. It turns out it became my escape route, from the devastation he wrought on my life for a time.  I’m so glad it’s one dream I never gave up.

I think at times, well he wanted a relationship, just not with me.  But then, did he want one with her, really?  If he did, why did he do what he did, knowing it would kill it.  And if it wasn’t dead, then spending January with me, certainly didn’t help breathe life back into it.  It’s not my problem any longer though.  I look so forward to loving a man who knows what he wants, and who doesn’t engage in self-destructive behaviors constantly.  There is another side of life, and I intend to experience it fully. 🙂

Lovely to have slept a good night’s sleep last night.  Today is supposed to be warm, at least warm enough to go to the cove for lunch.  It’s been so long, I am looking forward to it.

Off for my 2nd cup of coffee…..Love and light, all.

 

Don’t Look Back

Posted on by learning to live like water

don't look back

Maybe I tried too hard to dig down and let stuff go last night, because he’s been in my head all day. Not all good, not all bad, just is there. It could be just those bottom layers, coming up, needing to be sat with before they will depart for good. IDK. You’d think with all the work, and cord cutting he’d be gone from me. It scares me to think I may never be rid of this connection with him.

I’m cleaning the house, and once again, ridding it of things that remind me of him. I need to put away the prism light he gave me, taken out when he came to see the day after my mother died. I was so bereft, and he offered, and I was so glad to see him, and have him here. His presence was comforting, and sweet, and caring. We didn’t intend to do what we did, but I guess it’s’ just how we are. I remember putting my hands over my face, wondering what I was doing, but not stopping. It felt like I was undoing some of the torture from the way we ended last October. I remember not wanting him to leave.

I have to put away the coaster I put back on his side of my bed, taken out when he spent the night here a few days later. And used again, a few days after that.

Small things…..that’s all I have are small things. Except memories. None of them are small enough.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment. I knew he was confused, hell, I was SO confused, and he professed to love her but be mad at her for “running”, after telling him she could deal with whatever was in my blogs. She couldn’t, not many women could. I told him that. I was just happy to be with him. We felt close, he confided so much in me, I talked him down, I made him see that all might not be lost. I probably also thought, how much could he love her, if he’s in my bed a week after she leaves him? But never said so, I didn’t want to know the answer. I was in the moment, I loved him, I wanted nothing but his happiness, and to be with him. I saw him in pain over her, and tried to help. It wasn’t even hard to do. We pledged our close friendship always.

And then he turned on me, when she found out that the following weekend I’d spent it at his house with him. He’d already said he wanted to cool it between us, he needed time to think. I was ok with that. But I wasn’t ok when he found out she was hurt by it, and said he hadn’t wanted me there. That I was pushing. That was so untrue, that was such an attempt to rewrite history. He wanted me there, just like he wanted to come up here the week before. 3 times in a week. Even that day, that he found out that she knew. Hours before that he’d asked me to call him and wake him from a nap. So, I did, and he kept saying how he wished I was there. To negate that there was something between us, because she was hurt, was so disingenuous, so hurtful, such a betrayal, again. It wasn’t all lust. We spent hours talking, literally hours. More than ever before. Every night, texting in the day, and suddenly he’s telling me I was pushing and he didn’t want me there. It angered me more than hurt me, because I had no expectations of a future with him. I’m moving, he’s a mess….I just didn’t expect him to disown whatever it was that we had. It wasn’t what he had with her, but it was something. It meant something to both of us.

So, today, I will put these things away. I’ll get out my sage smudge sticks and cleanse the energy in the house, and also around me. Someone told me to ask for my aura to be protected from his energy, so I’ll do that too.

I’m going out with a friend tonight. Food, drinks, a band. It will be good to be around people, it will bring me back to this moment, the present moment. To the good life that I have. I’ll remember how little joy there is with him, in the long run, it always ends up being painful, I always end up hurt. I will walk, not run, away. Just walk at my own pace, there’s nothing chasing me, even though I’ve been looking over my shoulder, wondering. I need to remember there’s no joy in the place I’m walking away from. So stop looking back.

Changes

Posted on by learning to live like water

changes

Feeling a little introspective this morning.  The confusion I wrote about a few days ago still exists.  At times it doesn’t bother me, at times I’m sick of it.  At times I want to just move away from it toward something simple.

Florida.  I did some ground work on social security when I was home with the snow Friday.  I had forgotten that if I collect while I’m working I will get less, much less.  It seems I have to rethink my plans.  I still will sell the house and move, but have to live off of my own money til at least next January.  And how much will that cost me?  I don’t really want to use that money.  So If I move, I will have to work there at least somewhat.  I’ll need to earn some extra money so as not to deplete my own saving/investments.  At least until January of next year.  But I’m thinking if I’m gonna wait til January, wait til April, when I will be of full retirement age, and the monthly amount I get will go up.

So here’s hoping that I can find a fairly mindless, easy job for 20 or 25 hours a week when I move.  Nothing that requires the big decisions. At my current job, we brought in someone for a month to just do filing.  That kind of job.  I could file for 20 hours a week, lol.

Medicare is its own nightmare to figure out.  I talked so someone about it, and I can probably save money by going on it, and buying the supplemental care, and it will be a better insurance policy.  But I need to talk to my boss about it too.  I’ll do that this week.  I need prescription drug coverage, since I’m diabetic.

This country makes it hard to retire, and collect the benefits I have worked for for 50 years.  It’s crazy.

My son and I are making our monthly trip to Sam’s Club today to stock the house.  I have to stop at Michael’s and get some jewelry supplies on the way.  I’ll be making jewelry I guess, during the Superbowl.  I think  it’s the first one I’ve been home alone for since I left my marriage.  Not that it’s a big deal, really.

My son will be at a Superbowl party somewhere. As he should be.

When I was married, we used to make a bunch of homemade finger food.  Good stuff, and it was just an excuse to eat and drink.  It was about as festive as my ex and I ever got.  He was a good cook, so I didn’t do it all by myself, which was nice.  But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop though, when it involved drinking with him.  He might be in a good mood, and just pass out.  Or he might morph into the creature from the depths and we’d all end up in our separate rooms, terrified.

It does make me think, how I miss the days when my friends kids and my son were all in school and we all saw each other a lot.  I didn’t think that group would ever disband, but without our kids activities binding us, everyone is drifting apart, not nearly so tight as we were.  I miss those days.  I don’t have many single friends.  It never mattered before, but it seems now….as my core group of friends drifts apart, I wish I had a few more single friends to hang out with.

I did a lot of cooking yesterday.  Homemade hot and sour soup, buffalo chicken meatballs.  I guess I was just in the mood.  It’s good Superbowl food anyway.  Maybe it’s a habit.  Maybe I was hoping for a last minute invite somewhere.  It’s also good food to have in the fridge so I can have a real meal when I get home from work.

Changes.  Everything changes doesn’t it.  It’s the only thing we can count on.  Change will come, whether we want it or not. Good to learn how to accept that which is.

I guess it’s time for gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for.  When I think about it, I feel kind of like a whiny child, lol, wishing for things to be so different than they are.  I guess that’s what Florida is all about.  Recreating something closer to what I dream of.  And being grateful for the opportunity and the ability to do it.

Love and light.

 

 

School’s Out (I Hope)

Posted on by learning to live like water

lessons

I was in bed asleep by 9 PM last night, and slept til 6 this morning. I don’t know the last time I’ve done that. It was kind of cool, I could really sense my mom’s presence with me. We never lived close to each other, and I felt like now she’s just with me. I went to sleep easily, slept well. I remembered that my whole life, whenever I would visit her, and we were sleeping in the same house, I always slept well, like Mom’s here, I’m safe. I felt that last night very intensely.

I have a relaxing day planned today. Just some minor housework, maybe see if a friend will take a walk with me. I had tentative plans to meet a friend later this afternoon for a drink. I wasn’t sure I’d be feeling like it but I think it would be nice. I am going to call both my sisters today. We only texted yesterday, I think we all had to deal with it in our own way yesterday, today I crave their voices.

It’s nice to have one blog again. I’m feeling so much more put back together. I think I am more accountable now, too. I learned a lot of lessons about being more sensitive about what I write, and jumping to conclusions about people. Also, about being true to myself, and not allowing myself to do things that don’t feel comfortable. I thought I had learned that lesson, but you know, there is always another layer. I actually have trashed one post I put up on the other blog, because the facts I finally got were so opposite from the conclusion I’d drawn.

Lessons learned. Nothing is a waste of time, if we learn a lesson from it. But like I said awhile ago, I’d sure like to quit school for the time being. I just want to go to the beach and veg, listen to the waves, and rest. Too bad it’s not summer, lol. The last few months were just too intense, and now with Mom’s passing, I hope it marks the ending of that intense period of soulful lessons. I can only hope, lol. My ability to cope with any more is, I am pretty sure, exceeded as it is.

Here’s to hoping that 2016 came in in a whirlwind, to wrap up the unfinished business of 2015 quickly, and that a new phase is underway. Looking forward to Florida….