Tag Archives: happiness

Lessons From Skywalking (A Poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

skywalking

Skywalking, she sees
as above, so below
As within, so without.

No footprints were left in the clouds.
No sign that her spirit floated by
She reached for a star,
To guide her
She reached within
To discern her path.

She saw the beautiful earth
The bluest deepest oceans teeming with life,
The green forests full of tall trees,
The mountains scraping the clouds with majestey
The deserts, vast and simple.

Was it an illusion?
Or mixed with reality?
Unsure, but greater
She walked home
To this earth
Where she tread softly still
Leaving no mark upon this earth.

Grateful to walk,
And to fly when she wanted.
‘Twas love that lifted her
To the sky.
‘Twas love that brought her home again.

In the end, there is only love.
Always and everlasting.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

This Morning, No Loss, Only Gain

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

happiness

This morning I awoke at my normal time, 5:30. It was lovely, cool. The day yesterday was in the high 80’s, as today is supposed to be, and the night was cool, it’s in the low 60’s this morning. Perfection, not a cloud in the sky. The people who bought my deck furniture have not come back yet to pick it up, so I am still sitting in my sacred space, typing this. Another gifted day for me.

I awoke happy this morning. Really feeling happy. I don’t know if I finally sat with that funk long enough, missing him, or what, but today it seems gone. Today I feel so ready to move forward, with no regrets, not longings for anything that wasn’t. Today I can see that what was behind me should be behind me, and that what I have in front of me can be just the most amazing part of my life.

I have told my son that the least of my worries is whether or not he’ll get a job. He’s been filling out applications online and has had 3 or 4 good call backs. He hasn’t found a place to live yet, and that has been my biggest worry. I told him last night, if he doesn’t have a place to live he’s coming with me, lol. There is no way I’m taking him to Denver without a place waiting for him. He said he’s contacted 50 places and they won’t get back to him.

So I looked on Craigslist myself last night. I came to realize that he probably hasn’t gotten a callback because he has no rental history. I told him, you need to tell them you’ve been paying $400 a month for years, which he has, to me. That he’s been making a car payment for over a year, never a minute late. And he bought some stuff on a credit card, just so he’d have credit, and paid it off on time. I told him to get a free credit check and print it out and tell people they are welcome to see it.

He said he’s going to do that this morning, and hopefully that will make a difference. He is seriously one of the most responsible 24 year olds I know. He’s offering 3 months rent up front. Because I’m serious, he’s not going without a place to live. No way. And I know he doesn’t want to come to Florida and live in a town full of “90 year olds Mom.” LOL. Whatever. Just find a nice place to live and I’ll be good.

Didn’t hear from my buyers about the offer I made yet. I’m guessing they had to have the report checked out by someone. I hope I hear today. I can’t imagine that they won’t take it, if they love the house. I don’t think I could be more fair.

So much to do this week. Tag sale Saturday, and I need to make sure I get everything together that I want to try to sell. Tonight I have a hair appointment, Thursday I’m going out with some friends for dinner. So I have tomorrow night and Friday night to prepare.

Work has become a little easier. I’m turning over most everything to my replacement to do, while I’m still there, to assist in whatever she has questions about. She is still so overwhelmed, she gets so confused so easily, but it’s not to be unexpected. She has had to learn the basics of 3 different companies in a relatively short amount of time. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but I know she’s terrified for me to leave.

The other girl who I’m training is not in such a confusing job, and seems to pick it up easily and does not get too upset, she just figures out stuff on her own. She still requires my help on things, but only things that come up that are completely foreign to her.

I think I’m leaving both jobs in good hands, and have done a good job of training them as best I can.

I met with my financial counselor yesterday to talk about what I need to do with the money from the house, and to find out where I should take money from when I need it, and how to switch over my 401K, etc. It all looks good. I feel comfortable with my plans and he seemed to feel comfortable too.

I’ll tell my ex that I’m moving pretty soon, maybe next week, so he won’t get blindsided by it when he goes to his niece’s wedding. I won’t be seeing that whole family again most likely, except maybe the cousin with whom I’m good friends. But I haven’t seen them for years anyway, so it’s fine. They are all very cloistered in their fears of each other.

So, I’m ready. This morning I’m ready for this next chapter of my life to start, and I’m not even feeling choked up when I think about my son being so far away. Well, a little, but not overwhelmingly. For the last 4 days it was so hard. Today I don’t feel like I’m losing anything, only gaining.

It’s a beautiful day today, my life is becoming what I dreamed it would. At the end of the day, there is only love. Always and all ways.

Love and light.

Self Regained, A Poem

Posted on by learning to live like water

whatyouseek

I was at that place today
You know the one.
You’ve been there too.

Daydreams collide
Fiction and fantasy
What was and what wasn’t
What could be and what can’t.
What is, and what isn’t.

Confusion and conflict wove
My head and my heart
Into a chaotic tapestry
Of love and pain, regret and hope.

Things I’d forgotten,
Or, tried to,
Danced rings around my psyche
Spiraling around me
Squeezing the breath out of me.

Days yet to come
Jousted for position
Among the dancers
Painting the pictures with the wind
On the surface of my soul.

I stayed there til it settled.
The spinning stopped,
The dancers grew tired,
The jousting painters dipped their brushes
Tentatively, beginning their work.

And I, in the center,
Of all that commotion
Regained myself.

Blowin’ Away on the Summer Wind

Posted on by learning to live like water

summer wind

I walked with my cousin this morning, a short walk, just a couple of miles. The rain stopped, it was cloudy, and though it was very humid, it was cooler, not quite 80. It was a pleasant change. It’s was that way all day, til a short time ago.

We talk, deep and honest, always. I talked to her about moving, and when I talked about leaving my son in Denver, I started crying. Geezus.

The walk was nice, but I can’t even talk about that without losing it. I don’t know how I’m going to actually do it.

Then I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I ran into one of my best friends there. We have known each other 22 years, since our kids were 2 and in Story Hour at the library together. Her daughter and my son were born on the same day. My son is older, lol, by 3 hours. A fact he never let her daughter forget.  She was part of our small book club.

She had just come home from a big family vacation to Ireland and England, with some side trips, one to Paris for a few days, I think. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a walk about 3 or 4 weeks ago and she said, “Um…I’m in Ireland.” LOL. I said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to go then…..” And laughed. We talked a little, texted a little.

So it was good to see her, and just catch up briefly. I told her I sold the house while she was gone, and she looked happy and sad in the same moment. We talked about it briefly, because she had an engagement she had to get to, but I choked up again, talking about taking son to CO. I am a basket case. I so wish he had a father. Or I should say, a father who wasn’t a sociopath. Anyway, we are going to try to get the book club together to say goodbye the week after next.

I truly can’t believe I’ll be out of here in 6 weeks. I’ve feel like I’ve been talking about it forever. It’s been so often, my final escape from so much drama in my life, from men who can’t love, or won’t, who have caused me so much pain.  Men who have taken all I would give, and given me back nothing except pain, and heartache, and lies.

Now I look at it as just an awesome thing I get to do. I’m so over all of that. I think about it, and I think, the drama goes on, I’m sure. Just without me. Because, really….how could there ever be any trust there? Yeah, she lied, a small tiny lie to make him stop lying to her, to make him believe he’d been caught red-handed.  I seriously only objected to it because she involved me, and it just wasn’t true. But really, he’s the one who cannot tell the truth. How could she ever ever trust her heart to him again? So much like my ex. Just cannot talk without trying to manipulate someone.

I feel like, she’s just in her comfort zone with him, and willing to put up with his bullshit.  She was never going to talk to him again, twice now, til I did.  So she did.  What kind of foundation for a relationship is that?  If I’d told him to come here that night 6 weeks ago when he asked me so many times….what would she have done then?  Wanted him back?  I was leaving anyway….who knows?  Such a game they play.

Whatever. It’s none of my business. Sometimes I just go off on a tangent, it was part of my life way too long.  I still feel connected to him on some level, it’s weird.  But it doesn’t stop me from living this life.  If we are connected through past lives, which I feels sure we are, we will bump into each other again.  But this life time….I don’t think so.

The whole point, now, is….I get to retire.  I don’t have to work, unless I want to.  I intend to find a part-time job, grocery money.  I get to live by the water, which has always been my other home.  I get to do the things I love to do, that I have a passion for, and not spend the bulk of my time at a stressful job.  I will be so free.  As hard as it will be to say goodbye to my son, the fact that he’s not going to be living with me, makes me all the more free.

I didn’t do any packing today. Just normal house chores. Laundry, shopping, making some food so we’ll have food to eat during the week. Now I’m outside in the sacred space, lol. With a dark rum and diet coke and half a lime squeezed into it. Feeling pretty content. Sun is out, and it’s breezy. This mornings humidity is blowing away.

As are the last years tears, and pain, and drama. Blowing away, leaving cool, clean energy in it’s place. Life is so good.

Love and light, everyone.

Finding My New Path

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a day from hell, at work. Friday is always the hardest day at my job, and I’m training two new people, and it just got crazy. At the end of the day my boss called me and one of my new people out for not responding to an email earlier in the week. Now, yeah, we should have. The thing is, we get about 400 emails a day that we have to sift through. This one I saw, and planned to responod to but in the craziness of training 2 new people, I let it go. It was not a big deal. I had it on my desk Friday to show the new person what we needed to do with it. But bosses big brother, who is a complete control freak, jumped in and made a mountain out of a mole hill. When I got called into my bosses office, exhausted, after working 45 hours last week, full tilt boogie, I came very close to saying, “you know I have one foot out the door already……” I did not, because of the new girl who I could see was totally blindsided and taken aback. But when I left work I was wondering how I would make it 4 more weeks there.

You know, I like the job, when I’m just doing my job. But to have me training 2 new people, one at a job that I only backed up at, and never did on a full time basis, and bitch at me about one email that was not even urgent…I mean, how thin can he spread me and still ask me for complete competence like he’s used to? GRRRR.

Anyway, on the way home, I called my friend who is also moving, and bitched to her about my inspection and she bitched back to me about hers, and how people want to just empty your pockets out into theirs. We ended up laughing with each other, and went out for a drink and some fried calamari. Three single guys were sitting at the bar next to us, being a little raucous, but funny. About our age, probably closer to hers than mine. But they ended up engaging us in conversation, it was fun, and just a wee bit flirty. They told us about a band playing across the street from where we were on later this month, a well known country artist. The venue is outdoors under a roof, on the banks of the Connecticut River, next door to a 200 year old opera house. We may try to go. They kept saying they hoped they’d see us there. They were joking about how it could be my send off to Florida.

i

I came home all relaxed. I only had one glass of wine, and I slept like a baby for 7 hours.

This morning, I came out side at 6 AM, and felt so refreshed. It is a lovely morning. A friend wanted me to go to the beach but I am going to begin my sorting and packing today. Just can’t do it.

I told my realtor to offer the buyers $1000 and the couch and loveseat in my basement, and my snow blower. Then they can do all the inspections they want. She seemed to think that it was fair. I haven’t heard back yet. I just so need to be done with this.

Feeling good about it all this morning. I did my morning meditation and had the sensation of floating down a clear stream, in which the water was warm, and luxuriating in it. Soon I’ll be in my “Avalon” and all the stress of the last year will just be a memory. And most likely, not all that important. Every day I feel myself finding a new, lovely path in life.

Love and light, all.

All Good Things

Posted on by learning to live like water

So starts a new week. It’s suppose to be warmer this week, more normal spring temps. And sunnier. I’m excited about it. Shafts of sunlight are beginning to poke holes in the clouds.

I have a short work week this week, because my friend who lives in the Adirondack Mtns is coming to visit me for a few days. She’s coming Thursday, until Sunday or maybe Monday morning. I’m taking her to a gong bath Thursday night. Friday I’m going to take her to some incredible greeenhouses, full of tropical plants. It’s a place S took me on the last excursion we ever took, before she came back into his life. It’s got a 200 year old lemon tree in it, it has all kind of tropical plants. It is like walking into Jumanji. The plants are all over the place, on the ceiling, up the walls. It is warm, it smells like heaven. There are paths through the plants. They sell the plants but many people just go there to see them. They also have a huge herbal green house. My friend is an avid gardner, I know she will love it. It’s called Logees, and they have a great website and will ship plants everywhere, if you want to google them. We will get lunch somewhere along the way. Saturday we’re going to Newport. Not sure what she might want to do there, maybe see a mansion or two, maybe to the cliff walk past all the mansions if its a nice day. Maybe just shop, eat. It’s always fun, and beautiful there.

I’m really excited about all of it. Only working 3 days, seeing my friend, all the things we’re going to do.

I have a showing on my house today, so keeping my fingers crossed that they like the house better than the last people did. Have I mentioned that I am so ready to be living in Florida? LOL. My sis is going to the house today with a friend of hers. She’s going to get some more measurements for me, and check to make sure all the utilities are on. Probably wants to get lunch at our favorite sandwich shop there too, lol. She loves my little community.

Wishing all good things for all people today. The Buddhist Matta prayer…Love and light, all.

buddhist matta prayer

On Breaking Like a Little Girl

Posted on by learning to live like water

breakingi like a little girl

So, look….I don’t break like a little girl. Usually. And not now, not today. In fact I’m a long ways away from breaking.

I am tired, I am slightly stressed. I know I need to be doing things like putting my furniture up for sale that I’m not taking with me. I’ve heard to just sell it on ebay, with a pick-up only, not to use Craig’s list. Don’t want to be letting the craigslist killer in my front door. Maybe I could advertise it in the local little paper. IDK. I need to find someone to give my old washer and dryer to, although, I have been told that Big Brother/Big Sisters will take that stuff off your hands and put it for sale in their stores, Savers. Which seems like a good cause, and I could take a tax deduction.

I need to finish getting the utilities in the Florida house in my name. I need to have the mail forwarded up here from there, til I move there.

I worry that my boss will find all this stuff out, about both houses, and it will ruin my relationship with him, which is good at the moment. Work life could get very unpleasant if that happens. But if I tell him, without an exit date, he might give me one, and I might not be ready to move, and I don’t want to have to pay this mortgage if I don’t have a job. So every day I feel like I’m taking a chance.

I want to find out what a POD will cost to get my son’s stuff to CO. I need to get costs on moving my stuff to FL.

Yesterday I was sat on my deck and fell asleep in the sun. It was lovely. But while I was there, I thought about how I ran into a good friend at the store yesterday, in the organic produce section, and we talked for 15 or 20 minutes. She wants to try her hand at jewelry making, for a hobby, because her youngest child is about to go off to college. So we made tentative plans for me to go with her to get some basic tools etc, and I told her to come over some Sunday (her husband works weekends) and we’ll sit on the deck and make jewelry…drink wine…

Anyway, sitting out there yesterday, thinking about that, I thought, God, I wonder how long it will take me to have friends like that in Florida? Friends I can make spur of the moment plans with, like going to Costco Saturday with my bff, like going to my cousins to do reiki, like having this friend over to make jewelry on the deck. I will miss my peeps so much. They are my family here. I’ll have to create a whole new family and that’s a little scary.

Altho, my bff said Saturday, “we want to come see you as soon as you get settled.” And I know she means it. I said, “October, you will love it there in October. You will be getting pissed because it’s getting cold here…Florida is lovely then.”

But still I had this dark vision of me sitting alone every weekend there, nothing to do and no one to do it with. It was momentary, because I know I will make friends, and I know that before I’d sit all alone, I’d probably head to the beach or my sisters, or something….But, you know, the fear kind of showed up momentarily.

But, I guess the point is, it doesn’t break me. I think a broken heart can break me, but even that only momentarily. And who knows, maybe I know enough now to work through it, without feeling broken at all, if it happens again. Plus, I think I learned enough lessons from the last two men, to choose better, and not fall in love with someone who will treat my heart so callously. I’m sure there are men who actually appreciate a loving heart, and will treat it lovingly in return. I’m hoping I find one in Florida.

Maybe at the yacht club, lol. Or maybe I’ll get a fishing pole and go down to the fishing pier and find a fisherman, one that doesn’t get a thrill out of being helicopter lifted off a sinking ship. One that just likes to catch fish, and be near the ocean. Calmer…..more content. More appreciative of the joys life offers every minute. One who doesn’t need to be walking on the edge to feel alive. One who feels alive every moment he takes a breath, and finds wonder in that gift.

So, the opinion once given me by the man who broke my heart, that I break like a little girl, well, I am gonna guess that he has probably discarded that opinion of me anyway. I broke like a grown up, and I did my work, and I once again found a new path that will work for me. I’ll get through the hard parts of it, probably by writing, by being near the sea every day, by finding joy somewhere every moment.

I won’t walk the edge, I won’t risk falling off. And if I slip, I won’t break. If I crack, well…I’ll let the light in, let it weld the pieces back together, and glow a little brighter when it’s over.

Love and light.

Trying to Just Keep Rising

Posted on by learning to live like water

keep rising

I just came home from the gong bath.  Gong meditation.  I took a friend tonight, someone not into much alternative stuff.  She asked, “There’s not water involved?”  LOL.  No…..Better to call it a meditation, that is, really what it is.  But deep, very deep if you want it to be.

When I am there, bathed in the vibration of the gongs, and crystal bowls and the drums, I seem to be able to look at the issues in my life non-judgmentally.  I seem to get a clearer picture of what has happened, is happening.  From a different level.  It has happened so many times.  S once told me I should go every night, because I work so much stuff out when I’m there.   I’m a much nicer person, apparently.  Or at least, so he thought. I suppose it’s true, because who isn’t nicer when they aren’t stressed.  Although he was usually the one stressing me, lol. But I digress.

Tonight was no different. What I think I needed to do tonight was get back to the present moment. To stop fretting over things about which I have no control. There is so much going on in my life right now with retirement, buying a house, selling a house. Leaving here, relocating where I know three people well. Letting go of old attachments to people, places and things.

I reminded myself tonight, that my obligation to myself is to keep rising. There are those who will rise with me. There are those who won’t rise at all. There are those who will rise, catch up to me, and rise past me. We all may bump into each other in this life. But each of us has to keep rising, in our own way, on our own path. I believe that we are here, in this lifetime, to learn lessons, and to evolve our souls. So, the only thing I have to do, is try to keep doing that.

Back when my friend who is a medium suggested that S was my twin flame, she explained about that kind of relationship, how it is push pull, how one is running and is chasing.  How you are usually not in the same place based on the many life experiences.  The important thing she said to me though, was, “and you have just just keep rising.” The rest will never be known to me, if he is or is not my twin.That there is some kind of soul connection is undeniable.  I know when I’m going to hear from him, I still feel him.  I basically ignore it, but the fact is, it doesn’t matter now.  All that matters is I keep rising.

It does not involve hate and anger, blame, guilt, shame. It does not involve jealousy or selfishness. It does not involve any of the negative emotions we as humans find so easy in our interactions with others. We all have to keep rising. We can’t hold the hands of others and pull them with us, everyone has to raise themselves. If we meet somewhere, at some point, then it’s just a blessing.

When the meditation tonight was over, I was thinking about what a loving and supportive environment it is there. Everyone is there for healing. Everyone is there to lovingly support each other. I have friends who I see only at the gongs, who I have seen once or twice a month for years now. And I feel so close to them, as if we know each others souls.

It’s all about love, everything, every emotion that I have there reduces to love. It’s like numerology, reduce to a single digit. It’s like the Rumi saying I put up this morning, we are left with two desires at the end of the day: to love, and to be happy. Evolving our souls, to me, is finding a way to love more, and be happier for it.

So I go to the gongs, twice a month, to seek out unconditional love, and to find a way to be happy. For the most part, it works. I am always always, better for having gone.

Sending love and light to all tonight.

 

Feeling The Joy Again, Finally

Posted on by learning to live like water

joy balloon

Boy.  The closer I get to not having to work, the less I want to go every day.  So here I sit, Monday morning, just wishing it was 2 months from now and (hopefully) my house would be sold and I’d be packing to leave.

I am not good with the transitory phase.  Once I decide I want to go in another direction, I just want to be there. When I visit family or friends, and the day comes where I have to go home, I just want to beam myself home, (“Beam me up, or in this case home, Scotty”).  That’s about where I am today, Monday morning.

I’d so much rather be doing something that would facilitate my moving, than going to work.  I think I will work a little when I get to Florida, maybe 20 hours a week.  But it won’t be a job like this, no serious responsibility, or big decisions to make.  Something mindless and maybe even fun, lol.

On top of not wanting to work, especially on Monday, when I have to work til 7, it is snowing.  It snowed yesterday.  Give it up winter!  It was 60’s last week, now it’s 30’s and snowing.  Another reason I want to get out of town, lol.  I have never lived where there wasn’t winter to deal with, and I am SOOO looking forward to it.

I was talking to my sister yesterday, telling her how I was packing up clothes to give away that I won’t need.  Looking in my coat closet, at my 5 or 10 winter coats.  She said, “well you’ll need a warm jacket, and maybe a coat, once in a while.  But you won’t need your ice scraper!  Or your mittens!”  We laughed, me, I almost cried, lol.  I will be so happy never to walk out into 0° temps again, with 5 layers of thick clothing and still be cold.  I hate being cold.  I am too old to be cold.  I won’t ever have my house set at 62°(F) again, when it’s so cold that to sit on the couch with my lap top, I am dressed my fleece pajamas, slipper boots, a thick pink robe, and a blanket over me.  (This just made me think of Scott, without being upset, lol.  He hated my pink robe.  He called it the “dreaded pink robe.”  If I wanted to make him laugh I’d send him a pic of me in it. Well those are old days, a funny memory.)

Do you suppose I’ll ever complain about the heat in Florida? I suppose. If I do, then…I’ll have to call my friends up here, in New England, or my friend up in the Adirondacks of New York, and see if I can come visit for a bit. I think I can find a bed. Airfare is cheap between Tampa and here.

Speaking of my friend from upstate NY, I think she’s coming to visit me next month. I want her to come before I leave here. She is an old high school buddy, we will have so much fun.

My new male friend will call tonight. He sent a message saying he would, and so far, he has done exactly as he says. Marbles in the jar. He’s reliable. He does what he says he will, time after time. Maybe we will make plans to meet, that would be nice. I look forward to talking to him, he has this easy, kind manner, his voice is relaxing. I feel like maybe we could be good friends, if nothing else, because I’m leaving.

I feel recovered this morning, from all my emotional upset that was wrapped around Maggie’s passing. Back to being excited about moving, about my new life. The old emotions have retreated to the place where they belong. They have a place in my heart always. But I feel, at the moment anyway, that I am done obsessing about them. There is so much for me to be happy about, grateful for, excited about. These are the things which will occupy my mind today.

Oh, and work, lol. I guess work will also still have to take up some of my space today. But not for long. Lots of joy in my heart this morning.

Love and light.

Sorting, Cleaning, and Organizing a Shift in My Thinking

Posted on by learning to live like water

change-thoughts

This picture at the top is a description of what happened to me today. I’m having a glass of wine, after spending the day cleaning, sorting, tossing, organizing. My nightstands were first. Put the stack of books next to my bed into a box of books that will go with me. Put away the prism light, tho not too far away. Both my nightstands are covered in crystals, which I love. I’ll put them away for the pictures, but then bring them back out.

My dresser, yikes. I have so much jewelry! All but a few odd pieces are things I made. Necklaces, bracelets, wire-wrapped pendants, earrings. How to organize it, so I can still use it, and so it can be hidden for the pictures. I think I figured it out, we’ll see.

Then I went to the spare bedroom closets. I cleaned them out of junk awhile back. But today I pulled out pants and sweaters that I haven’t worn, mostly too big, and won’t need in Florida. Two garbage bags full. Probably take them to Savers, the proceeds all go to Big Brothers and Sisters.

Then I went after two ginormous stacks of papers in one closet, all from my divorce. I can’t tell you how much paper there was, for a divorce that lasted 4 years, went to the Supreme Court. There were filings, depositions, motions, decisions, appeals, agreements (that’s a laugh….every one of them agreed to, none of the agreements kept by my ex), bank records, personal and our business, accounting records, spreadsheets, tax returns, yada yada yada.

It made me unbelievably sad. I found the mortgage deed to our first house, paid in full after 15 years. Our cute little cape cod house, with the slate roof, and 150′ of lake front. The promise was so sweet, we had the world by the tail. Except for the occasional outburst that would land dishes and food on the floor, broken and sprayed all over, for me to clean up. We had a set of collector plates, all Normal Rockwell plates, $40 each I think. He broke every one of them one night. I always thought it was my fault, I’d caused it, that’s what he told me. Sociopaths can be very convincing.

It’s all gone now. He fought to keep my name off the deed of that house, and it was a blessing in the end, because once the first mortgage was paid off, none of the debt that caused him to lose the house in foreclosure was mine. His little plan for power and control backfired.I The universe is self-correcting….

Then I found piles of my old journals. Hand-written on legal pads and spiral notebooks. I wrote them because I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to me, and to my son. I was embarrassed, ashamed, I thought it was my fault. I had to at least write it down, I had to at least release it to the universe. I’d never heard of blogging then.

While I was going through this, as if on cue, my phone started playing “The Prayer”. “Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.” He did……

I went from the sweet promise of our first home, to hating every minute in that house. Hating to come home from work, never knowing what I’d walk into.

I found the mortgage papers for this house where I live now, after I found the demand letters from my atty to his, saying ok, the Supreme Court says pay her, so pay her. Thank God I left when I did, before he had gone through all the money we spent all those years working for. He still blew his portion, which was more than half. But I got enough to start over, and for that I am eternally grateful to the Universe.

I’ve been so happy here. My son has been so happy here. We had five good years here. Full of love and light and joy. Friends, and family. Spontaneous get-togethers. I think even Scott liked the energy here, he used to love to sit on the deck and talk til the wee hours our first summer together. Even our second summer, we still sat out there talking, though it was not as often, he had Betty then. I will be sad to leave here, but look forward to my future life.

Funny though, when I found all the stuff about my ex, the divorce papers, the journals….I just wanted to pitch them. Been holding onto them all these years, and now, I wanted that part of my life over. And I thought, I think it’s time to say the same about my loving Scott. I need for that to be over too, in my head. It’s still fresh, and I’m still attached by the energy, but it’s over. Today I realized that at the end of the day, I don’t feel much different about him than I do my ex. Sad for them, sad for the promise that never blossomed.

I had a bunch of cassette tapes I took with me when I left my ex. I put them all in a bag today when I came across them and I’m going to give them to him. I have nowhere to play them, he has a cassette player in all three of his cars. I also have a bunch of LP’s that I took with me. Vinyl records. But I’m keeping them, I want to get a turn-table some day.

My sister called me today. So full of excitement about my house, she got me refreshed as to the good things that I have in front of me. She’s scoped out windows for the house, she says her hubby is itching to go do work on the little house. I have gone to sleep thinking about my cute little yellow Florida house with the orange shutters and green trim, and the palm tree at the corner of the house. She can’t wait to help me landscape the yard, she has such good knowledge of what plants will do well, which ones won’t. She is a great gardener. We’ll take lunch breaks on the beach. 🙂 🙂

We talked about how fun it will be for us to live close to each other. We haven’t lived near each other since we left home. She exclaimed…. “I love your little town, I’ll be coming over there all the time!!!” I am looking so forward to being able to say “Hey why don’t you come over for dinner tonight…” Or lunch, or whatever. Just to hang out with my sis, my family. To be able to run to Long Boat and watch the sun go down with her and her hubby over the Gulf.

I’ve been chatting with a man all week, a different kind of guy. He knows I’m moving. He is kind, centered, from what I can tell, spiritual. We have spoken on the phone. He isn’t pressing for anything, except a friendship, meaning, he seems willing to let things happen in their own time. I have not told him of my recent heartache, it seems irrelevant to our very budding relationship. I’m not looking for a relationship. Just someone to do things with maybe and have some fun. It’s nice to talk to a man without an agenda.

I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, covering my life, really, my whole adult life today, in the cleaning out and organizing and shedding of those things which no longer serve me. The men I loved, I still love. Some more than others, for sure. I wish good things for them. I hope my ex can find some joy. I hope Scott does too. My life moves onward. Joyfully.

Love and light…..