Category Archives: Chaos and Order

Not Stressing, I’m NOT Stressing. Am I?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was up at 4:45 this morning.  Transferring money around so I can pay for the dang hot water tank.  Then trying to get estimates on replacing it.  Then thinking about all the other crap I have to do in a relatively short time.

I also got, as part of the inspection, a pest control report that said I have carpenter ants and that they could treat them for $350.  I was like maybe some cans of Raid?  Geezus.  And I know the buyers will want a licensed company to do the work.  Maybe I can trade my snow blower and just let them do it.  Or the couches in my sons room.  Something.  Geezus, I don’t want to spend that kind of money.  The ants only appeared this year, like one or two a day I see.  $350?  Cripes.

But I’m not going to stress.  I am going to have to take a day or two off of work to get this crap done though.  I still have to go over my moving estimates and get that squared away.

I need to make a list, a long list, lol, so I don’t find myself at the end of the 6 weeks, trying to deal with something major.

But as I said to my bff this morning, not gonna get to worked up.  Life has thrown me much harder curves than this, and I am still here.  At the end of the day, or 2 months from now, I’ll be on the beach in Florida with a cold drink, and the hot water tank and the ants will be a memory.

Love and light.

A Little Obsessing as I Put the Chaos Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

I felt a little guilty over the vitriolic email I sent Scott, lacing into him for sharing our personal stuff with someone else, and for trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t write about.  I was so furious.  He can engender such anger in me, it frightens me that I can still get that mad at him.  It’s not who I want to be.  The truth was in there, but there was so much anger that it was difficult to decipher the actual message.

I’m not sure why he thinks if he takes from me, or now demeans and /or denies the  relationship that gave him much pleasure for 18 months, will somehow in her mind, undo the fact that he betrayed her.  He betrayed us both on a grand scale.  When he was with me in January, he blamed her.  And when she became so jealous that I was with him, he blamed me.

He did, to his credit, blame himself mostly.  But he tried to spread it around, so that we too were culpable in his mind, so that he didn’t have to bear the whole burden.  We were not.  My ex used to do that.  Every problem he had, he had to pretend I had it too.  I was conditioned for a long time to accept blame for something I didn’t do, just to keep the peace.  Taking years after my divorce to search my soul, I don’t and won’t do that anymore.  What Scott did to us, is all on Scott.  The fact that he ran to my bed when she left him….he can own that too.  I still loved  him, missed him, wanted him, but he ran to my bed, when he had the opportunity.  Not me to his.  I ended up there, but I didn’t initiate our reunion.  When he came to see me 12 hours after my mother died, I looked at him and said, “Do you want to sit on the couch and talk?  Or lay down and talk.”  He thought for a moment…And said, “lay down….”  Everything was easier for us there.  Talking, connecting, being.  I wasn’t going to undress, but he asked me to….I was distraught, over my mother, I just trusted him to do what would help me get through the day.  He had come, he said, to keep me company, to keep me from being alone.   I did as he requested, and soon, we were into our old rhythm, our old patterns.  It was all still there, after having been buried for 3 months.  The connection, the attraction, was just as strong as ever.

When she found out, to satisfy her jealous nature, he had to take from me, from us, from what we had.  She couldn’t allow it to just be over, and see if she and he had anything left.  She demands that he recreate himself in her image, the one that satisfies her huge ego, her possessiveness.  The one that wants him to have had no one ever but her in his life.

Well….he did.  He had me, and try as she might, and as much as she can get him to deny me, she can’t take from me what was real.  Nor can he.  It is over, but it was what it was, and it was something lovely, caring, passionate…..  No matter how the two of them try to re-write the story for their own selfish motives, it remains in the universe as it was.

I suppose a lot of her insecurity comes from the fact that he was still married to his second wife when he started seeing her, 15 or 16 years ago.  He told me that went on for about 5 years.  Eventually, his wife knew, and he and his wife stayed together still for a time, a couple years I think he said, for convenience sake, for their kids.   But for Betty, knowing he was willing to cheat on his wife, and then wanted to still live with his wife while he was supposedly with her?  She has or had to be very insecure, knowing what he was capable of.  And obviously, he is still capable of it. All that time, and he was living with his now ex-wife.  That is so f’d up, I can’t even begin to fathom it, nor do I want to.

I’m ok with it all.  Every minute it is all part of my past, and I am evolving into a new, wiser, smarter woman.  I don’t think he can anger me like that again, because I see it for what it is.  I see that the past week was a just more of the same dysfunction that has become his norm since she reappeared in his life, something that her extreme jealousy and possessiveness require of him.  I don’t have any idea if they are together, my intuition says not, but who knows, I’ve been wrong before. I think if they are not, he is still trying to do what she requires to accept him.  He mistakes her jealousy and possessiveness for love, they are the opposite of love, they are fear.  She mistakes his denial of me as more for her.  She thinks that the less he cares for me, the more he cares for her.

I used to say to him, I don’t want what you had with her.  I want my own account with you, filled with our specialness, our memories, our intimacies.  What you had with her has nothing to do with what we have together. Keep what you had with her, lets see what we can build that’s ours.

To me, that’s love.  And we had it…the fact that he now denies it, doesn’t make it less so.

So, here I am, winding it up again, and hoping I don’t have to do this again.  Trying to take the chaos of last week, the negativity and the raw emotion,  and put it back in order, find the places where it fits, put it away, and move on.

I would have liked to remain friends with him…and at first that’s what we did.  But then, it wasn’t enough for her, and soon he was denying me and us again, and he devastated us on even the level of friendship.  It’s too bad….that he can’t have even a friend who loves him.

I’ll be closing on my Florida house soon, I’ll be putting the one here on Zillow soon.  I’ll be spending pretty much 100% of my time on that.  I don’t have time to deal with this childish, adolescent dysfunction any longer.  Soon I’ll be 1500 miles away, in a new life, making new friends, living my dream, and I have no doubt that all the dreams I have had are going to manifest.

I wish no ill on either of them.  They are good enough, without my help, at dragging themselves down. My energy is on my future life, on ending this one correctly.

I’ll always love the man he was when I fell in love with him.  And will always think of that man fondly.

But now….the past is past, and the future is looking bright.  Onward….forward motion.

Love and light.

 

 

Sorting, Cleaning, and Organizing a Shift in My Thinking

Posted on by learning to live like water

change-thoughts

This picture at the top is a description of what happened to me today. I’m having a glass of wine, after spending the day cleaning, sorting, tossing, organizing. My nightstands were first. Put the stack of books next to my bed into a box of books that will go with me. Put away the prism light, tho not too far away. Both my nightstands are covered in crystals, which I love. I’ll put them away for the pictures, but then bring them back out.

My dresser, yikes. I have so much jewelry! All but a few odd pieces are things I made. Necklaces, bracelets, wire-wrapped pendants, earrings. How to organize it, so I can still use it, and so it can be hidden for the pictures. I think I figured it out, we’ll see.

Then I went to the spare bedroom closets. I cleaned them out of junk awhile back. But today I pulled out pants and sweaters that I haven’t worn, mostly too big, and won’t need in Florida. Two garbage bags full. Probably take them to Savers, the proceeds all go to Big Brothers and Sisters.

Then I went after two ginormous stacks of papers in one closet, all from my divorce. I can’t tell you how much paper there was, for a divorce that lasted 4 years, went to the Supreme Court. There were filings, depositions, motions, decisions, appeals, agreements (that’s a laugh….every one of them agreed to, none of the agreements kept by my ex), bank records, personal and our business, accounting records, spreadsheets, tax returns, yada yada yada.

It made me unbelievably sad. I found the mortgage deed to our first house, paid in full after 15 years. Our cute little cape cod house, with the slate roof, and 150′ of lake front. The promise was so sweet, we had the world by the tail. Except for the occasional outburst that would land dishes and food on the floor, broken and sprayed all over, for me to clean up. We had a set of collector plates, all Normal Rockwell plates, $40 each I think. He broke every one of them one night. I always thought it was my fault, I’d caused it, that’s what he told me. Sociopaths can be very convincing.

It’s all gone now. He fought to keep my name off the deed of that house, and it was a blessing in the end, because once the first mortgage was paid off, none of the debt that caused him to lose the house in foreclosure was mine. His little plan for power and control backfired.I The universe is self-correcting….

Then I found piles of my old journals. Hand-written on legal pads and spiral notebooks. I wrote them because I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to me, and to my son. I was embarrassed, ashamed, I thought it was my fault. I had to at least write it down, I had to at least release it to the universe. I’d never heard of blogging then.

While I was going through this, as if on cue, my phone started playing “The Prayer”. “Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.” He did……

I went from the sweet promise of our first home, to hating every minute in that house. Hating to come home from work, never knowing what I’d walk into.

I found the mortgage papers for this house where I live now, after I found the demand letters from my atty to his, saying ok, the Supreme Court says pay her, so pay her. Thank God I left when I did, before he had gone through all the money we spent all those years working for. He still blew his portion, which was more than half. But I got enough to start over, and for that I am eternally grateful to the Universe.

I’ve been so happy here. My son has been so happy here. We had five good years here. Full of love and light and joy. Friends, and family. Spontaneous get-togethers. I think even Scott liked the energy here, he used to love to sit on the deck and talk til the wee hours our first summer together. Even our second summer, we still sat out there talking, though it was not as often, he had Betty then. I will be sad to leave here, but look forward to my future life.

Funny though, when I found all the stuff about my ex, the divorce papers, the journals….I just wanted to pitch them. Been holding onto them all these years, and now, I wanted that part of my life over. And I thought, I think it’s time to say the same about my loving Scott. I need for that to be over too, in my head. It’s still fresh, and I’m still attached by the energy, but it’s over. Today I realized that at the end of the day, I don’t feel much different about him than I do my ex. Sad for them, sad for the promise that never blossomed.

I had a bunch of cassette tapes I took with me when I left my ex. I put them all in a bag today when I came across them and I’m going to give them to him. I have nowhere to play them, he has a cassette player in all three of his cars. I also have a bunch of LP’s that I took with me. Vinyl records. But I’m keeping them, I want to get a turn-table some day.

My sister called me today. So full of excitement about my house, she got me refreshed as to the good things that I have in front of me. She’s scoped out windows for the house, she says her hubby is itching to go do work on the little house. I have gone to sleep thinking about my cute little yellow Florida house with the orange shutters and green trim, and the palm tree at the corner of the house. She can’t wait to help me landscape the yard, she has such good knowledge of what plants will do well, which ones won’t. She is a great gardener. We’ll take lunch breaks on the beach. 🙂 🙂

We talked about how fun it will be for us to live close to each other. We haven’t lived near each other since we left home. She exclaimed…. “I love your little town, I’ll be coming over there all the time!!!” I am looking so forward to being able to say “Hey why don’t you come over for dinner tonight…” Or lunch, or whatever. Just to hang out with my sis, my family. To be able to run to Long Boat and watch the sun go down with her and her hubby over the Gulf.

I’ve been chatting with a man all week, a different kind of guy. He knows I’m moving. He is kind, centered, from what I can tell, spiritual. We have spoken on the phone. He isn’t pressing for anything, except a friendship, meaning, he seems willing to let things happen in their own time. I have not told him of my recent heartache, it seems irrelevant to our very budding relationship. I’m not looking for a relationship. Just someone to do things with maybe and have some fun. It’s nice to talk to a man without an agenda.

I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, covering my life, really, my whole adult life today, in the cleaning out and organizing and shedding of those things which no longer serve me. The men I loved, I still love. Some more than others, for sure. I wish good things for them. I hope my ex can find some joy. I hope Scott does too. My life moves onward. Joyfully.

Love and light…..

More Manipulation from My Son’s Father

Posted on by learning to live like water

manipulation

My ex’s cousin called me last night as I was leaving work.  I haven’t talked to her as much lately, because she’s been spending a lot of time in Boston to be near her kids.

She told me that my ex-husband called her sister in Florida on Easter, and wanted to know how he could get closer to my son. Also, called his sister, asking the same thing.

This is interesting, because neither of these women EVER talks to my son. The cousin has never met my son. My ex’s sister, who lives 35 miles away, has not talked to my son in 10 years. Just a lack of interest. So why he would think either of these people could offer any useful advise I don’t know. But then, I know my ex. He is doing it to build sympathy for himself, with the few people who will talk to him. It is not a case of wanting to know, really. Because he knows. I told him.

I told him that my son said his father should write him a letter. I explained to him, clearly, that he has to remember and acknowledge that he was brutal to my son. He was extremely emotionally abusive, and became physically abusive as well, though it was kept secret from me until my son came to live with me. But it was one reason my son walked from his father and never went back.

I told my ex that his son needs to see him go out on a limb for him. To write him a letter, that he can read over and over, that he can hold on to. Address the issues. Become vulnerable, to take a chance. I told him it may not work, but it may. If he doesn’t try, there is no chance. If he tries there is some chance that they will reconcile. My ex wants to find some for sure way that my son will respond positively to him. He doesn’t understand that it will take a long time for my son, even if he writes the letter.

I don’t know why he refuses to write to my son. Well, that’s not true. Because when words are written, they are recorded. They make him accountable. Another reason is because I’m the one who told him that’s what to do, a message I was relaying from my son. As with most people who are abusive, he doesn’t trust the people who he most should. He trusts his alcoholic cousin or his very aloof sister, more than me, who would love nothing more than for the two of them to reconcile, at least to a level where they would talk.

If the situation were reversed, I would have written a letter every day. I would have filled the mailbox til the post office asked me to stop. I would have taken that doorway, and run through it toward my son.

But my ex, instead, is simply trying to manipulate the emotions of anyone he can into feeling sorry for him. “Oh the poor man, he’s all alone. His ex-wife must be influencing his son not to talk to him.” Because he still thinks we are competing for my son’s affection. Even though he himself used to complain that I was absolutely non-competitive (he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time, and was raised on competition, not only in sports but among his two siblings, who competed for their parents love.) I know my son loves me, and I would love if my son could love his father, and have a real father in his life. But with my ex, it’s all about manipulation. It’s not about the real business of healing and rebuilding his relationship with my son.

I have told my son that I’d really be happy if we were all at least speaking to each other before we all moved. He has promised me that he is going to tell his father that he’s moving before he goes. That’s something. That’s my son, once again, going out on a limb for his father, and speaks to the fact that my son still loves his father, even though he can’t bring himself to talk to him right now. That the abuse, and the chaos his father brings to his life is still hurtful, is still there. My son lived for his father as a child. He did everything and far more than his father ever asked him to, but he could never please him. He could never meet a constantly moving bar that had to be met for his father to love him. His father has done nothing to alleviate that pain.

I couldn’t meet the bar either. At some point, I realized that that moving bar was just a tool of manipulation, to feed his ego. My son knows it too. My son has found his way. I believe that the last 8 years of living with unconditional love, and none of the chaos, have allowed him to find himself.

I have been wondering, since last night, if I should call my ex and talk to him again about writing his son. But….no. His ego would be boosted to know people have talked to me concerned for him. And would do nothing to resolve their relationship, because as long as his ego is being fed, there will be no movement toward reconciliation. As long as he is the center of attention of his cousins, his sister, and me, he will have enough ego boost, that just complaining that he is so sad that my son won’t talk to him is all he will do. He won’t make a move toward him.

I know the man well, after 40 years.

I used to think when my son was small, that a 2 parent family is infinitely better than a single parent. And of course, that’s true if both parents are normal loving people. But if one is dysfunctional, and abusive, and so damaged, it is far better for a child to have one parent that can love him unconditionally than stay in the middle of the chaos a sociopathic, narcissistic, abusive alcoholic can cause.

I hope my ex can see the light some day. But my hope for him is slight. He has lost everything, his marriage, his son, his house, his business, his yacht, and lives in a 500 sq foot rented cottage with no heat now. You’d think at some point he’d rethink the way he lives his life, and maybe do a little soul searching. If it hasn’t happened with all that loss…I can’t imagine what, if anything, could change him.

I’m so grateful that I got out when I did. And got my son out. Just so grateful.

Love and light.

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Dancing Through the Insanity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

An Easier Day Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

Last night I was able to sit for a little while, without the glass of wine I thought I’d have, but decided not to, and make some decisions about the house.

I’m spending $375 on the mold test. Really, it’s just for my peace of mind, to know. It is so scary to be doing this alone, so I am doing all I can to ensure that I don’t have unexpected issues to deal with. This requires extension of the contract until next week, it was by this Saturday that we had to make a decision if we were going ahead or not. Now it will be the end of next week while we wait for the results of the test.

But these tests and inspections are running more than I thought they would. $600 for the home inspection, $375 for this, $450 for the hydrostatic test, and Idk what the termite test will be. So about $2000 that I’m spending on the house that I can’t get back, so I sure hope there is no big problem outside of the ones I know.

Providing the tests come back satisfactory, we will go back in and ask that they reduce the price to fix the electric. The service needs to be upgraded so it runs the house with the new heat / AC. And the wiring needs to be redone in the house, to get the outlets all grounded. We feel they should give back to reimburse for doing that, since it’s ridiculous to add those things to a house and not have ensured the electric supply could handle it. Then small things, like hook up the gas stove to gas from the street, etc. If they will come down a few $1000 on the price and do the small things, then I will have myself a house. The work I can have done before I move down there, for the most part. At least the electric. I can stay at my sisters while the windows get put in, which is something I knew I’d have to do when I bid on the house.

Today should be easier, not having to read inspection reports under pressure to make a decision. I have to meet with the insurance guy about medicare tonight, and also talk to my boss about it too. I think I can save some money going on Medicare, even buying the supplement to it. That’s not nearly as much stress as the house, lol.

My cat seems better, she’s been up and about since I wrote the blog last night, so maybe I was imagining things, maybe she just had a couple bad days.

So all seems well this morning. I’ll have a 3 day weekend (here in the US we don’t have the Monday after Easter off.) But it is an extra day to get work done on the house, so that’s a good thing.

I’m so glad that I have my meditation practice. It’s been helping me to get through all this house stuff, and through the left-over emotions around S. I need so badly to just let all that go, I have so much stuff that’s more important to my life to be focused on. So I’m trying, and I think I have a bit of success every day. It’s amazing how a narcissist can get into our heads, him with his push pull. I think I’m so accustomed to it, I keep waiting for the next round. Hopefully with time, I won’t be waiting for it. Just a habit.

Well off to another busy day at work, but it will be all work today. Not all that other stuff too. Good to have a place to write it out, and have people comment back to me. Really helps me out, to blog.

Love and light.

Tidying Up

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I’m pretty happy tonight.  I was alone, really alone,  all day, but it was a good thing.  I got a bunch of paperwork done for my mom’s estate.  I did my taxes and filed them!  Yay! I paid all my bills, and that felt really good!!!  I wanted all that stuff done before I went to FL.  Now I can get ready for the trip and relax.

So, then I went through my summer clothes.  I washed what I felt needed to be.  I packed.  I was trying to to the small, carry-on.  But I’m going for a week.  Don’t think I can do it. I never understood shoe fetishes, where people were like Imelda Marcos.  But honestly, I am her for flip-flops.  I am taking maybe 6 pairs.  I am NOT taking maybe 10.  Geezus.  I do love flip-flops.  They just speak summer to me.  I even have a pair of flip flop earrings and a necklace with a flip-flop mother of pearl pendant.  I can’t wait to live somewhere where I get to wear them every friggin’ day.

While I was packing I started throwing stuff out again.  Literally, another 10 pair of flip-flops that are beyond wearable, lol.  I threw out 6 bras that are way too big for me, from when I weighed 30 or 40 lbs more.  I am not done.  I am going to keep throwing stuff!

I was told about a book last night by Montana, called something like , “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” And then, my friend Emma talked about it in her blog today.  So there you go, it’s a sign, I need to buy the book .  I hope it’s available on kindle.  But it will be so much easier to pack for moving if I just purge and purge first.  So I was doing that today.  Purging.

Maybe more than clothes, lol.  Next is my kitchen.  That’s gonna be a trip.

I’ve made a nice dinner for my son and I.  I’m going to watch the final Downton Abby.  Dang, I will miss that show so much!!!   I’m having a 2nd glass of wine, because, dang, I got a lot done today.  I’m going to find a realtor in the town in FL I have my heart set on tonight and make an appt tomorrow for Friday.  FRIDAY!!

I talked to my sis today.  She paints, she is really good. She sells her paintings for some decent money. Anyway, they are having a show at the art center in her neighborhood, the night I get in.  So…I’ll have a place to wear my new dress!!  She is showing a painting there.  We’re going to drive around and check out the other neighborhood I might like.  It’s a village arts center.  It’s closer to her, but she doesn’t think it’s as nice as my first choice.  This trip is going to be so much fun, because it’s really going to give me a feel for living there, not just vacationing.

My sis is taking Tai Chi.  I hope she’ll show me some of what she has learned.  I have a CD, that I used to follow some mornings.  Maybe we’ll go to the beach and do it together!  That would be cool.  Tho I think she’s too shy, lol.  I am looking forward to walking on the beach every morning, swimming in her pool in the hot afternoons.  Clearing my head of the old, making room for the new.

Two days of work this week.  I can do this.

And here is the coolest thing about today!  I got my 200th follower!!! I am so excited.  I know in the scope of blogging 200 is a pretty small number, but I’m very excited about it!  So thank you America On Coffee, for being my 200th follower!

Life is so good.  Love and light to all.

Rising, Rising Strong

Posted on by learning to live like water

Woke up happy today! Even though it was my cat Maggie who woke me at 5:30, snuffing and purring around my head. I don’t know why she did, it’s not her normal MO. But whatever. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get out of bed and get ready for work. I slept well, again.

Feeling more centered and grounded, and myself than I have in a long time. There are no unresolved issues in my head. I have a lot going on, like, a real life. No illusions, it is all real at the moment, and not something I have to roll around in my head constantly wondering what is really going on. I have vacation, plans with friends, a house to get ready for sale, things to do.

There is no drama. I can’t believe what a difference it makes, to have the drama out of my life. I sleep, for one thing. I am smiling a lot more. Thinking clearly. God, it’s so good to feel like maybe all that stuff really is in the past, and I only have good things to look forward to at the moment.

I guess some people, just love the drama. I like it in a movie, or a play. But in my life? Uh uh. No. Not at all. To live it? Nope. I leave those who love it, to live it on their own. I remove myself….

Real life, real truthful, honest life is so much more interesting. Knowing who you are, and what you want is so much more fulfilling than the wondering what is going on, or the creating a situation where no one knows what’s going on. I have extracted myself from that situation.

The sun is out today, bright, beautiful. It is cold but warming. I intend to take a long walk today, hopefully I’ll find a friend to go with me. Life is also bright and beautiful at the moment.

In the words of Rumi…

You have seen my descent

Petitioning the Universe

Posted on by learning to live like water

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Unsettled this morning. Feeling an energetic pull into that which I want to leave behind me.  And actually, know I should, for my own well-being.  However, to not act when I feel this is so hard.  Trying to just sit with it.

There comes a point when everyone has to look within, because there are no answers externally.  There is always a way, the universe will always open a door if you can surrender control to it.  It’s not an easy journey, but it’s worth it.  So worth it.

I’m trying to find my own door.  I’m trying to surrender my concerns to the universe, because I have no control over them anyway.  The energetic pull is not a sign, it’s just an empathetic feeling I have of the struggle of someone else.  It’s a struggle I should not get involved in, again.  It demands too much of me.

Still…it’s hard to ignore.

Petitioning the universe, to keep everyone safe, to open the doors that will shine the light, to connect all the dots in everyone’s highest good.  Sending love and light.