Category Archives: happiness

The Darkness Has Passed, and I’m so Grateful

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am in much better shape this morning than last night when I wrote my last blog.  Pretty much back to the place where the whole affair just disgusts me, that I participated in it at all, even though I didn’t have any knowledge of the facts.  I am back to seeing him as a defective, sick man.  Completely devoid of normal human empathy and compassion, as my friend Megan pointed out.  He feels it for himself, no one else.  Not missing him at all.

It’s good to be in a place where the random memory bombs just set off a small detonation, and then disappear.  I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what happened to me.  I see where I was feeling the truth, even though he constantly denied it.  I needed to trust my gut, my intuition more, and going forward, will listen more astutely.  It’s a good lesson for me.

I had been feeling so bad for Betty when I first realized she had no idea, but really….she had a relationship with him that left him to his own devices all week, and he’d already proven to her he was untrustworthy with her former best friend.  She also set herself up.  Yesterday I realized that he didn’t lie anywhere near as much to her, he wasn’t trying to blow her off to see me, so lies weren’t needed.  Just the lies of omission, lol, that he was with me when he wasn’t with her.  But ignorance was bliss, for awhile.  We both had to get the big lie.  I’m just way ahead of her on the healing path.  Who knows, she may forgive him, and let him back.  He can’t be monogamous, he can’t draw a line for himself he won’t cross.  If it’s not me, it will be someone else, one day when she least suspects it.  It’s just who he is.  Lies and deception and living on the edge are what he likes.

Enough about him.  Really.  This morning I’m sick of it again, lol.

It’s Thanksgiving.  I made a beautiful pumpkin pie last night.  This morning I am making a jello mold, the stuffing for the turkey was made Tuesday night.  I have a small 12 lb turkey for my son and I, and will put it in the oven around noon so we can eat around 4.  Then a few other things, twice baked potatoes, baked butternut squash.  My son bought a really good bottle of wine, which was really sweet.  He’s growing up and realized he should contribute.  It will be fun to hang with him for the day.  He’ll probably have friends over tonight, which is also good with me. I love having young people in the house, even though they mainly stay in his space, my finished basement.  Still, I like the energy.  It’s invigorating.

I’ve been talking to A a lot.  He’s really gutted his new home.  His son smashed his finger in a car door and had to have it stitched up.  A is not pushing it with me, though I can feel his feelings have not changed.  And right now…as long as he is not pushing me, it is soothing, and a blessing for me. He said he wishes he were here, he’d love to go to the sweat lodge with me tomorrow.  He sends me love every morning, every night, he reminds me of my worth.  I try to also remind him.  I wish I could love him the way he wants, he so deserves it.  I really have a lot of self introspection to do, though….I am not really in a place to be with anyone.

But I’m oh so grateful for A and his loving attention.  Lots of things I’m grateful for on this lovely cold Thanksgiving morning.  For my son, for my friends who have been hanging with me through all this stupid drama.  For my book club, which is 3 of my best friends.  We’re going out to dinner on Tuesday.  I’m grateful for this blog, which allows me to release my emotions in a productive way.  I’m grateful to live in my lovely home, to have a decent job.  Grateful to be able to put a feast on my table today.  To know what I know, lol, and be open to continue learning. Grateful that a relationship that caused me far more tears than joy in the last 6 months is over. I think the dark days are over for the most part.

Happy Thanksgiving, with love and light.

As Good As It Gets, for the moment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Mondays I work late, til 7.  I started work at 9.  So, it was another long, busy day.  It’s good, that it’s busy.

But now I’m home.  I’ve eaten leftovers from Sunday, when I usually manage to make a decent meal.  I have a half glass of cabernet beside me, 3 squares of dark chocolate, in my warm fleece jammies, lol.  It’s about as good as I can get it at the moment.

Good, considering I was a little angry about things today, but I wrote the anger off to the still present emotional waves.  When I thought about how cruelly he ended it with me 7 weeks ago, and then wouldn’t let me go, kept calling and texting and leaving me voice mails, asking me to come see him, right up to the moment he was exposed, and then had the unmitigated gall to ask me to lie for him….Geezus.  It just pissed me off.  I mean, really what rock did he crawl out from under?  But I’m over it.  A little rage bubbles up, I consider the source, and honest to God, I have to laugh at someone who is so clueless.  Geezus.

So, now I’m home, in my beautiful home, relaxing, writing, being happy.  A is texting me with his undying love, which from 2000 miles is a soothing.  He has gutted his new home, he’s sent me pics.  He and his son are doing all the work.  A is 69, man, he’s working his ass off physically.

I so didn’t want to be at work today.  I can’t wait to put this house on the market in spring.  I am believing that it will sell by summer.  I just can’t wait to retire, and not work.  Own a home with no mortgage.  I wanted to be writing all day today.  It has become such a passion, to sit down and put my thoughts and emotions to written word.  So healing.

My cousin was reading some of the poetry I’ve written and put up here last night.  She knows what I’ve been through and could feel it in what I wrote.  She said, “Damn, Deb, you are good…”  I told her the only problem is that to write a good poem I apparently need to be tortured, lol. Or crazy in love.  So… lately I’m just tortured.

The love will come, the love will come.  My heart is open, the love will come.

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Early Morning Sunrise 11-23-15

Early morning sunrise is beautiful this morning.  I have been up since well before dawn, but I slept well last night.

I did my final day of the Deepak Chopra 21 day free meditation this morning.  When it was done I saw this sunrise, like a simple gift from the universe.

Every morning I wake up a little farther from the chaos of the last few weeks, and it usually lessens throughout the day.  I am not slipping backward, which is a huge thing.  I have no more rogue waves knocking me down.  Nothing pushing me backward.

Grateful this morning, I guess.  Just grateful.  There is so much to be grateful for, even the hard lessons.  I can see it all as a gift.  Even though at times, I still pick my jaw up off the floor at the depth of deception that one man can create, he deceived himself worst of all.  His deception made me smarter, and wiser.  I have grown from the experience.  As long as we do that, it’s never a waste.

It’s only a 3 day work week this week.  Hopefully I will go to the sweat lodge Saturday.  I know it would be really good for me.  I feel blessed that there are so many healing opportunities around here to bring me back to myself.  Every day I remember more who I was, and who I am.

Thanksgiving will be quiet as usual.  Just me and my son.  I’m grateful he’ll be home all day. It is the first time in a few years he has not had to go into work in the late afternoon to work overnight for Black Friday.  In fact he has the day off, his new job is not a hot spot for Christmas shopping.

Been texting with A this morning, since early, which is really early for him.  He is telling me about his son’s girlfriend, coming to see him from Maine, to New Mexico, talking about moving out there.  I think he is wistful, that I have no interest in doing that.  I have always told him I could never live in the desert.  I wouldn’t mind visiting, but probably not him for more than a day or two.  I love him, but it’s a love that’s better from a distance than up close.

I’m still sure the up close one is headed my way.

Love and light.

 

Actually Did Find Some Balance

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a group meditation in town this morning.  It is a new group, there were about a dozen of us.  It was a guided meditation, and was very nice, lasting about an hour.  The woman who guided it said it was her spiritual teacher’s birthday and this was her way of paying tribute.

After it was over, we each shared our feelings about it.  Most of the participants were not experienced with group meditation, but really, that’s how I learned to meditate.  I used to go to a weekly group.  We would lay on mats on the floor, with blankets, in the dark.  The facilitators would talk for awhile, we would contribute to the conversation, and then they would play crystal bowls for about an hour.  They had about a dozen, it was really lovely.

What I shared this morning, was that I loved the intensity of the meditation.  The energy of a dozen people participating is not 12 times the energy of a single person alone.  The energy increases exponentially, so that the energy of 12 people becomes more like 1200.  There is each person, and whatever they bring to it, and then there are the spirit entities that accompany them.  The energy increases exponentially.

It can be pretty amazing.  I could feel that spiritual guidance I have called upon so often this week, in more intensity, as everyone called in their own guides.

The girl at whose yoga studio this meditation took place knew my friends who do the gong baths.  We began to talk about the sweat lodge that they also put on, and I told her they are having one next Saturday, and I was considering going.  I’ve been once before and found it to be the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had.  However, you have to be able to give up a whole weekend day to it, because you come home so exhausted, emotionally and physically.  Since next weekend is a 4 day weekends, I am really considering going. I think it would do me a lot of good.

The girl I went with works with me.  I knew she had an interest in learning to meditate, and I offered to go with her, thinking that after all the drama/trauma of the week, a second group meditation after the gong bath might be good for me.  After it was over we chatted in the parking lot, and she said, “I keep wondering if I did it….”  Then she said, “I was surprised how fast the time went though. I thought it was about 20 minutes and the hour was up.”  I said, “Then you did it!  Because you escaped the time space continuum, if an hour turned into 20 minutes.”  It was fun to see her register that she may have visited another plane of existence for awhile.

After the meditation, I went to the grocery store with the rest of the town, lol, to do Thanks giving shopping.  And of course ran into a couple of my really good friends there, and had to stop and talk.  Finally, my son called  said, “Are you coming home Mom?”  LOL.  I have done a lot of bonding in the  pasta sauce aisle.

Talked to a good friend on the phone about our love lifes, or lack thereof, lol.  My cousin came over, and is starting a blog.  I will post a link to her blog when she puts up a post.

It’s a good day.  Feeling that I maybe achieved some of the balance I was looking for this morning.

Love and light.

 

 

 

Blessed, Just Blessed

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s the day after, lol.  I am exhausted, but happy.  Sitting in my sisters gorgeous home on the side of mountain, it looks like a castle, and feels like one.  I feel like a princess at the moment.

The wedding was the happiest most wonderful experience I have had in so long.  Years, maybe.  My whole family, except my son and my mother, are here.  My sisters, nieces and nephews, and old family, my ex brother-in-law and his awesome new wife, his sister and her husband, my current brother-in-laws family, his daughter and son. Friends of my niece that I haven’t seen in 30 years or so.

We were cracking up, saying it’s just a lovefest when we are all together.  So much laughter, hugging, catching up, and in this gorgeous setting.  The wedding was at the log cabin I put up a pic of in my last blog, it’s another of my sister’s beautiful homes.

The vows took place at 5 pm under an arbor built on the dock in the lake.  There was a bar set up on an overturned john boat down near the lake, with wine, beer and hot apple cider.  Up near the house was a huge tent, heated, with a dance floor, dj and tables for 160 people.  There was another bar near the house, and appetizers everywhere that my sis had planned and we had all pitched in to put together.  The dinner was a buffet BBQ.  Perfect.

The weekend was so what I needed. To be surrounded by people whose values, and life experiences are shared, and are the basis for all our interactions.  We have all had our setbacks, we have all dealt with adversity, tragedy, but our love for each other overrides all else.  I had forgotten how my little sis can make me laugh.  She’s the one person that with me, can get hysterical and we can’t stop laughing.  It was joyous.

My older sis just did so much work for this day.  She had everything laid out perfectly.  She had a minute by minute itinerary, so that nothing would be forgotten.  (Although, my little sis and I are so much more laid back, we were laughing saying to each other “our sister had some control issues.”  because when she tasked us with getting the cheese trays for 160 people ready, she wanted to tell us exactly how to cut the cheese into cubes, lol )  But she is beautiful, smart, funny, and only she in our family could have pulled this off.  Not to mention between the two houses, there were bedrooms enough for all the immediate family.

At one point after dinner, in the tent, I was watching the dancing and “We are family” came on.  I got up and ran to my two sisters, and we danced together, to “We are family, I got all my sisters and me.”  We included in our dance circle, where we had our arms entwined, everyone who cared to join us and brought in everyone we could find.  We all felt like family. I am so blessed.  Just so blessed.

I got a few nice texts from A, hoping I was having a good time, and making me laugh.  I got a nice voice mail from a man I spoke to last week, also wishing me a wonderful weekend, and saying he hoped to meet me when I got back.  And a text from yet a man who has asked me to call him when I get back.  I have let go of the past, I am so looking forward to the future, and letting the old stuff just rest in the realm of life experiences.  I am good with it all.

I think I’m being redundant, here, lol.  I think I said that last blog, but it is so true.  At the end of the day, we only gain from each life experience.

And so, onward.  Life is indeed wonderful.

Contented

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve not been writing much this week.  I’ve been working late every single night, come home exhausted. I need to get caught up from vacation before I disappear again next week from the surgery.  That will only be a few days, but I need to at least have my head above water before that happens.

I took my son out for dinner tonight.  No biggie, just went for Viet Namese food, he loves Pho.  He started his new job today, and I worked so much this week I didn’t feel a bit like cooking.  I was thinking how when I move to Florida and he moves to CO, how I will miss going out with him spur of the moment like that.  Catching up over a bowl of Pho, and a glass of wine.

When I think of how he’s grown, how he’s matured from the frightened 16 yr old who literally went to school from his father’s house and came home to mine 7 years ago with the clothes on his back.  I had to take him shopping for a few shirts and jeans to wear to school.  He was so confused, so unsure of himself.  That fire just burned in him to be free.  We had so much work to do, and he just wanted to walk away from it all…as would most kids, and not deal with it. But he got a good therapist, and I made him talk to me. We had some tough days, he and I, but I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s become.  I will  miss him when I move.  But I’m also happy he’s ready to fly on his own and make his own life.

Busy weekend.  Getting new carpet tomorrow for my family room.  Which meant that when we got home tonight we had to disconnect and move the TV since the carpet people will move furniture out of the room but not electronics.  I’ll get the rest of the small stuff out before they come tomorrow.  I’m very excited though, haven’t done anything major in a few years, so it will  be nice.

My best friend’s daughter is going to college this weekend, and my friend is having such a hard time letting  go.  Not that she is a helicopter mom, just that they are best friends, it’s her youngest. Her husband (who fixed my AC this week) made me and a couple other of her best friends promise to keep her busy so she wouldn’t have too much time to think about it.  So we’re going to a farmer’s market on Nathan Hale’s homestead on Sunday (if it doesn’t rain).  It’s a huge fair maybe 100 vendors.  It will be fun.

Then I have to clean the house for book club on Tuesday, make some food for it, and also make sure I have food that I can eat next weekend after surgery.  Food I can deal with cooking and eating with one hand.  That should be interesting.  Maybe I’ll just lose some weight, lol.

Life overall had been good lately.  No issues, no problems.  Too much work, but that’s why I’m planning my retirement.  Not enough summer, but there never is, lol.  Just feeling, you know, content.  It’s a lovely place to be.

Occulting Happiness.

Posted on by learning to live like water

End of vacation, end of the weekend.  I had a wonderful week off, but it makes me want to go back to work tomorrow even less.  I will have about 1200 emails to read, countless calls to make, orders to process, and ship, and UGH.  None of it stimulates my creativity at all.  But it pays the bills for the time being.

On the other hand….4 days in the mountains, a day in Newport, 2 days just cleaning my house, doing laundry, reading, relaxing, an amazing graduation party for my best friend’s daughter who I love so dearly, and then today…spent at the beach with my two best friends, a hot summer day, spent talking about the great party last night, laughing, reading, sleeping, listening to a thousand happy kids splashing in the water, the not so big waves breaking on the shore.  The islands in the distance, every single one of which I’ve overnighted in their harbors many times, were visible floating on the mist that rose from the sea.  It was a perfect end to a perfect week.

I have less than 2 weeks til my carpal tunnel surgery.  I can’t wait.  I am so sick of only having basically one useful hand, not being able to write, or even open a jar or a bottle of water. And of it hurting all the time.  My son will take me and bring me home from my surgery.  One of my friends will come over and spend the afternoon with me. I am so blessed.

I remember a time, not so terribly long ago, when I first was happy, after I left my ex.  And the feeling was so foreign to me, I hadn’t been happy in so many years.  I remember my “aha” moment….OMG, This is what happy fees like.   And now, happy is where I’m at most of the time.

When you’re traveling by sea, and reading a marine chart, every light on a buoy or a light house has a different light pattern, so you can identify it in the dark and know where you are.  One pattern is called “occulting”.  which means that the light flashes on for longer than it’s off.

That’s what my happiness is now.  Occulting.  It’s on more than it’s off.

A Rich, Full Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m still on vacation until Monday morning  I had a lovely day today.  My son and I went to Newport, RI basically for lunch.  We didn’t want to spend a lot of money, so didn’t do much shopping, But we walked around, we both enjoy just being near the water.  We talked about his plans to move next summer, a little about mine.  Talked about the music festivals he’s going to.  He drove, I paid, lol.  It was a perfect summer day, just perfect.

I am having the carpal tunnel surgery 2 weeks from tomorrow.  My arm is so much better since I have been on vacation and can baby it.  Not looking forward to going back to work next week, for that reason (that I can’t baby it there) and for a lot of other reasons.

My son had planned to take the whole day off, so he could take me and stay with me at home after.  But hes switching jobs (after being at his job 4 years) and the new job is assistant manager for a brand new store, which has it’s grand opening the day of my surgery.  I can’t get the time for surgery til the afternoon before.  So I called the dr’s office today and explained the situation.  She said the latest I would go would be 10 and I’d be home by 1.  I think at that point he can go to work, I can get a friend to sit with me for the afternoon.  The woman at the dr’s office said she will call the surgery center and ask them to schedule me first, which means I would need to be there between 6 and 7 AM but would be home by 10.  So, it was all a relief to know that he could still take me and bring me  home and not have to worry about it.

Next Saturday I get new carpeting in my family room.  I’m pretty excited about that!

This Saturday I have a graduation party for my best friend’s daughter.  My friend asked me to make an appetizer and a dessert.  So I’ll need to get on that tomorrow.  I’ve got a few ideas.  The party will be fun, probably about 60 people.  I’m looking forward to it.

These are all small little moments.  My life seems to be full of them, and so all I can say is life is good.  I am very blessed to have such a great kid, and such good friends.  A rich full life.

Easy Peasy

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today was a good day.  It was beautiful.  I got to go to the cove for lunch.  I stayed pretty grounded all day.  I am getting caught up at work.  I texted with A for quite awhile.  He’s been without cell service for a few days, but has it where he is today.  That was nice.

At one point I asked him where he was.  Then I apologized, kind of, for asking, saying, I just wondered.  Feeling like I was asking too personal a question.  Trained by S, “what are you, writing a book?”  Always with the secrets, never wanting to share much more than what he had to.  (This automatic reaction that I had asked to personal a question only comes from S.  I never asked my ex, because either I already knew, or if I didn’t know, I knew he’d lie to me.  Just to lie.)

A answered me and sent a pic.  And then said, “It’s really nice that you ask.  It means a lot to me that you are following my adventures.”

A girl could get attached to someone like that.

Seems it should be just that easy.  Ask a question, get an answer.  No games, no pulling back, no pushing forward.  Give and take.

That’s what I’m searching for.  Easy.  Passionate. Loving.

There is a kid at work, he’s 28 maybe.  Just a bit older than my son.  He’s an electronics engineer.  Before he came to work there, right out of college, he’d never been on a plane.  Now he’s been to China, Korea…  He’s the greatest kid.  Whenever I need him to do something, he always says, “Oh that’s EASY.  Easy Peasy.”

That’s what I want.  Easy Peasy.