Tag Archives: Endings

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.

 

Tying Up The Loose Ends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I slept 7 hours last night, the first time all week I’ve gotten a decent night’s sleep.  I was at peace finally.  The truth is on the table and now can be dealt with by the universe and the people involved.  I can go on with my life and know I did the right thing.

I always told S when he was breaking up with me, which happened in 18 months a few times, that it would hurt, but I was strong and would get over it.  I always knew I would.  He said, “You aren’t strong.  You crumble like a little girl.”  He was the one who crumbled, when I said ok, go….he never could.  He could never walk away.  He still can’t.

Although I did crumble. But I could also put myself back together.  I knew what to do, how to do it.  I guess my ex gave me practiced.  When I found out about Betty, I didn’t think I’d be able to put myself back together.  I have never hurt so much in my life.  It was his cruelty in the way he told me, not that he wanted to be with her.  It was his callous disregard for the way I loved him. But  just over 6 weeks later, I have myself almost back together.

I bet that S has changed his mind about whether or not I am strong now.

My biggest problem going forward will be sensing his feelings, sensing what is going on with him.  I still have no explanation as to why I do this, but there have always been people with whom I can do this.

The first time was when my ex and I were about 30.  We lived on a lake, and our neighbor kid who was about 20,used to go water skiing with us a lot, often we’d have him over to eat after.  One day we came home from a trip, and he came over.  He was in the living room talking to my ex, I was in the kitchen.  I began shaking, literally.  I sensed some really dark horrible energy, and I wasn’t into energy work at all.  I called him into the kitchen, and told him, “I don’t know what’s happening, but you need to get him out of the house, NOW. ”  My ex didn’t argue, he just did it.

Six months later, the kid went down the street, and killed an old woman and stole her car.

It still creeps me out.

I tend to listen to these messages, and will continue.  If I determine they are warnings to me, I will act.  Otherwise, I’ll let them go.  A psychic told me that S was sucking my energy dry, that I didn’t have to do anything about the vibe I got from him, I got them because I am an empath. And that I needed to turn the energy in on myself.

This will be my aim going forward.  To do what is right for me, and to let go the vibes I get from S.  And anyone else they come from.  I told her I thought I knew him in a past life, she said that could well be true.

I was so relieved to hear that I was not expected to deal with the crazy info that I would get at random times.

I have a gong bath tonight, perfect timing.  I am so grateful to wake up to no drama today, the drama is all over in his corner, and it’s what he loves.  He feels most loved when someone is crying over him.  Lord knows he did it enough with me, and while I was crying he would make me laugh, hard, endearing himself to me.

He told that every woman in his life has hurt him.  I thought, I won’t join that club. I loved him so much, beyond reason, without limit.  As it turns out, I’m sure in his mind I hurt him.  Badly.  I don’t expect he will ever take ownership of this story.

If he was smart, he would take this whole episode as a gift, as the gift of ruin, as rock bottom emotionally, and begin to transform into someone he could be proud of, that could love himself, and others with his whole heart.  He would direct this energy inward, and do some real soul-searching to figure out why he finds it so necessary to manipulate people.  It was, really, an act of love, to make him accountable for his actions, even though he will never see it that way.

I don’t think he will ever get that.

If he’s smart, he will use this time to do what he told me he wanted to do all summer when he made up this story so he could be with Betty every weekend.  Be alone, learn to be alone.  Learn who he is, and change what he doesn’t like.  Discover his passions, figure out what he wants for the rest of his life.  I hope he does this.

But it’s not my problem anymore.  I’m running to the light.  I’m tying up the loose ends of my emotions around this, and connecting all the dots, and every minute I feel better and more distant from all the chaos of the last few months.

I can look at S, as someone I loved, I can feel the same detached sorrow for him as I do for my ex.  A detached sorrow, that he feels so unlovable, that he has to lie and manipulate people into his life. He has done it so much that he just lies as a way of life, just like my ex.  As far as me….he had me at hello.  He just couldn’t believe it.  I bet it was that way that way for Betty too.

Onward….onward.

 

 

 

Betty’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m home with a glass of cabernet.  My God, the drama today.  S is the world’s biggest drama queen.  Geezus.

Once the drama was over for the afternoon, I thought about all the lies that I had been told.  One stood out to me this afternoon.

You may remember back in September S told me that Betty Boop was back in his life on a Friday night.  Then he proceeded to convince me he just meant that they talked, that’s all they had done.  He sent me a picture of him on his bed alone.  He texted me on Sunday or Monday (it might have been Labor Day weekend) and said he wanted to come up here.  I told him I didn’t want to see him, he’d been with her all weekend.  I had cried the whole weekend. Hadn’t slept or ate. Thank God for my friends and my blog.   Thinking of her in my place in his bed, at the breakfast place we used to go to.  Just cried and cried a river.

He kept saying they just talked.  “Thanks for telling me I was with her.  We just talked.”  Two days later I was having a panic attack, and I texted him “You better get up here before I lose my mind.”  He was here when I got home.  We made love, and after he said to me, “I’m so disappointed that you would think that I would just jump back into a relationship with her after what she did to me.”

I said, your voice mails all said that it’s all you ever wanted, you just wanted me to be happy for you.  He said, I wanted you to be happy.  It was YOUR happiness, that’s all I wanted was for YOU to be happy.

I believed  him, I cried and cried again, and he held me.  So we continued on for another month.

And all the while he had been with her all weekend, all summer.

His lies were so convincing.

I was thinking of writing a blog listing his lies.  But there are too many, and the endeavor would make me sick.  Pathological.

Sometimes I wonder how many other women there were, besides me and Betty Boop.

Not that I care now.

But I feel sorry for her tonight.  She got blindsided by him, just like me.  I know exactly where she is, but she’s worse because he told her he loved her. They have a long history.  And she found out this week he’s been with someone else the entire time they were back together.

Even today, when I talked to him on the phone, he told me he misses me a lot.  I said, “if you love her you shouldn’t even be talking to me!!!!  WTF is wrong with you????”  I felt like, what are you doing?  Trying to hedge your bets in case she won’t take you back? Geezus, as if I’d go within a mile of someone that could look you in the eye and lie like that.

He’s cruel.  He loves her?  He loves what she does for him, just like he loved what I did for him.  But love her? He can’t even face her pain.

If I didn’t put a stop to this, it would still be going on, behind her back. I could not have lived with myself if I let that happen when I had the power to stop it.  I was having a hard time as it was, staying silent, when I thought the first weekend they were together was the one where we broke up.  He swore, over and over, he wasn’t seeing her before.

He lied to me, he lied to her.  He denied the relationship with her to me.  And he hid the one with me to her.  To be denied by the man you love is it’s own betrayal.

For his own pleasure.  He did it for his own pleasure.

I feel so sorry for Betty.  I have been there.  I have loved that man with every fiber of my being, and he knew it. When we first broke up I didn’t think I could ever love anyone that intensely again.   And I’m guessing she feels that way too.  I hope she doesn’t hate me.  I hope she’ll be ok.

It’s all over for me.  The nightmare is over.  But for her it’s just beginning.  I hope she’s strong enough.

Peace out.

 

 

 

 

It Wasn’t Revenge

Posted on by learning to live like water

He thinks it was revenge.  Revenge for breaking my heart.  Does he not know that a broken heart stems from love?  Does he not know me at all after all this time?

He said he will never forgive me. I said “why would I care if you forgave me?”

It us only important whether or not I could have forgiven myself for standing by, watching, an not doing anything to prevent any more heartache. 

It was for her.  It was because I saw someone getting the crap beat out of them every day, by a lie they were unaware of that was growing daily.  How do you stand by, when you see someone getting set up for the kill, against their own wishes, and do nothing?

It was for her Scott.  It wasn’t about you.

You devastate me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

As the weeks went on, I saw what you were doing to her.  You were still telling me you didn’t want a loving relationship. She obviously thought she was in one.  She had no idea, none, that daily you were laughing inside, as you tried to get me to see you Sundays, Wednesdays.  And if it wasn’t me, because it wasn’t, soon enough it would have been Samantha, or someone. Because you don’t know why you can’t have whoever you want whenever you want.

Your dream, to have a different woman every night of the week.  Your fantasy.

Her fantasy and mine, to have a man who loved them, and was faithful to them, and building something that bordered on miraculous.

It was for her.  I couldn’t stand by and watch you play with someone else the way you did with me.  I couldn’t watch as you set someone else up for a fatal blow at a time of your choosing.  You know I cannot remain silent, and watch someone get hurt. If you don’t know that about me, it’s because you didn’t pay any attention, you just took what you could from me.

I told you, if you want to be loved, then be lovable. Your actions are not separate from the person that you are, they are a physical manifestation of who you are.

Who you are, right now, is not lovable, because you used two women for your own purposes, oblivious to the pain you would cause.  I told you to stop acting wounded.  You have no idea what a wound is.  You didn’t love either one of us.  You are incapable of loving someone.  You are only capable of stealing from them, to bolster the empty hole that is your heart.  Stealing their pure love, their energy, their lives, so that you can believe you are valuable because these two women love you.

I have told you 100 times, I saw your soul.  Maybe 1000.  You know it was true, you know I knew things about you I shouldn’t have known because you didn’t tell me.  I told you your value is within.  Find it.  Take this time and find it.  Stop leaching off of me and her.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you when you were a child.  It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday.

It matters what you choose to do today.

Try loving yourself, enough to acknowledge who you have been, and to try to be the person you want to be.  The person you think you are when one of us took you to our bed and adored you.

We deserved to be adored back.

It was for her.  It was never about you.  You and only you are responsible for your life.

Bed of Lies

Posted on by learning to live like water

You got away with the first lie.

The others were so easy, weren’t they?

It became fun for you,

To play a game with my heart.

To see how long you could juggle two of us

Before it blew up.

You wanted to be “alone”

“Discover who you were.”

Then when I knew she was back in your life

You were only “talking.”

Yeah, talking while you fucked on Saturday night.

You had already been “talking” for months.

In your bed. Or hers.

And still fucking me.

A week before you pushed me off the cliff

And watched as I splattered across the ground far below,

you said, you were still talking, “a little”.

The lies were so easy,

They flow like dirty water from your mouth.

5 days before you broke me into 1000 pieces,

You told me to forget about the past,

That things can change for us,

“XOXOXOX”

That the future could look bright.

She was out of your bed

About 2 hours.

The lies piled one on the other.

The set up, to shatter my soul was complete.

Even 4 days ago…

“I miss you a lot.

Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”

You enjoyed fucking with my head

As much as my body.

And for her, one big lie….

That she was the only one.

The light was so bright it was painful

But now, it’s illuminated her path and mine

Away from you

And your bed of lies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Stubborn Leaves

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

I texted with S yesterday, and this morning.  I think what was said, needed to be said.  A few of the pieces of my heart that had been so tentatively put back in place, crumbled and fell off.  I’ll pick them up, and put them back, and let the light in to heal them into something more beautiful.  I finally had to stop.  I can’t really do it.  I need to move on, not remind myself, or be reminded, of what was, and what happened.  There is no closure.  There is no way to end it well.  So we always just fade away, we don’t say good bye, we don’t say good luck, we don’t say anything.  I say, I’ll always love you.  He says, I miss you.

But he does nothing to change the decision he made.  We hang there, like the last stubborn leaves on a tree in the fall. Refusing to fall off, to be raked up, to be transformed.

I am about to let go.  I have to move on.  For real, not for a few days.

I may find the love of my life.  I may move by summer.  I will always love him.  But I will let go.  So I can go on living.  I’m tired.  I’m empty.  I’m letting go, strand by strand.  Soon the last one will slip out of my hands, and I’ll be gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Ending and a Beginning. They Are the Same Thing.

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s been a good day.  The north wind blew in and it was blustery, probably the first day this season with a wind chill.

In Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert says “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.”  I would have to agree.  Complete chaos ensued from the devastation of my life.  But now, 6 weeks later, I can see the unfolding of a new life for me, with clarity.  I see what I was not getting from that relationship, and how I just accepted it as it was.  Seriously, I was unfulfilled in many ways, and always deferring to his wishes. If I asked for myself, it would only be once, most of the time.  “No” is just too much rejection for a simple request.  I learned to find happiness with what I was given.  For awhile.  Because I loved him so much.  I was always dreaming of the day when he’d want me the way I wanted him.

It was never gonna happen.

Eventually, I wanted out, because I was unhappy.  Most of the summer.  He talked me down, he kept me engaged.  I don’t know why he did.  We rarely saw each other.  What did it matter?   I settled for misery because I loved him.  Time and time again, he pushed me away, til I left and then reeled me back in til he had me.

He should have told me about Betty Boop wanting back into his life.  Or him wanting her.  He just should have been honest with me and let me know the truth.  He knew neither she nor I would share him.  So he lies to her about it, and tries to convince me there’s nothing wrong with it.  He should have told me, and let me walk away with some dignity.  Instead of dealing a crushing blow to me. A blow that left me face down in the dirt, gasping for air, while he danced.

He chose BB because she doesn’t want anymore than his warm body in bed once a week.  And that’s what he wants, someone who asks nothing more of him. Who doesn’t even ask much of him there.  I caused endless problems between us because I was not satisfied with less than.

We have had an uncanny connection, I think more from my end than his.  He used to have it, he would call when I was thinking of him.  I have always been able to feel when things aren’t right with him. The day his friend died.  Different days and nights I wondered if he was ok, and he wasn’t.  Sometimes I knew, and didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to know.  Just the other day, with his health.  I am still concerned with that, I’m not sure that was what I had the intuitive feeling about. Waking up to middle of the night phone calls or texts.  The morning he dropped his bomb on me, I sat there shaking, knowing there was something terrible about to happen.  I even blogged about it, how I was trying to talk myself down.  But my intuition was right.  My world was forever changed that day.

It felt like I would die.  And I was dying.  The me that kept giving in, and giving up, and accepting being treated poorly, and accepted less than I deserved, and so little real fulfillment, did die.  That day, and on the ensuing days.  And now, I have been reborn, transformed as Liz Gilbert says.  I have lost some of my excess weight.  I have done my work, I have looked within to see why I accept less than I want.  I defined what values were important to me.  I have realized that unconditional love has to be extended to ourselves first.  We have to value ourselves first, and only then can we offer anything to anyone else.

I am proud of my ability to show up, to get into the arena and be seen, and dare to love with my whole heart.  I don’t regret for a moment that I loved S.  But now, I won’t accept a one way street again.  What he has with the Boop, I don’t want.  I want connection.  Love.  Happiness.  I loved being in love. I want to be loved back.  This life is too precious to waste it away on trivial sex without connection, on a love that only goes one way, in a relationship that makes you cry as much as laugh.

I want more.

My heart is open to all the endless possibilities.  I am transformed. I am stronger than I ever was.  I am more focused.  I am more sure of myself, and what I want.  I can find and make very happy someone whose happiness will also depend on my being happy.  An energetic circle, where the beginning and ending are blurred, because eventually, they are the same thing.

I Had Forgotten

Posted on by learning to live like water

That dream had me freaked out almost all day.  I say “almost” because I had forgotten in my anguish, the one, probably most important, thing that happened.

When S got mad at me, in the dream, for being jealous when he talked about his “girlfriend” while he was with me.  He said, in the dream, “why do you want to ruin our good time being jealous?”  It is something he would say, if he were there.  It is exactly what he would say.  My response?   I told him he had to leave.  I told him he had to leave.

This is huge….

Instead of accepting the little bit of himself he offered, in exchange for my whole heart, I told him, through my tears and my grief, that he had to leave. It was exactly how I felt, severe loss, and grief, and pain, but also the impossibility of accepting the only offer on the table.  I claimed myself as worthy of more, as valuable.  I claimed my beliefs for myself, my respect, my beautiful soul for my own, to give to someone who would give me more than S could ever offer me.

I’m ok tonight.  I still think that it was more than a dream, because of the realness of it.  Because it continued the conversation which made me block him 5 days ago.  Five days ago, he told me not to tell anyone I loved him, and missed him, if I didn’t want to be with him. Or something close to that.  Finally I said, “why are you arguing with me about this, as if it mattered?  Why do you fuck with my head like this?  Just leave me alone and go be with your “girlfriend” if that’s what she is.”  To which he responded with an adolescent vulgarity.

I remember every second of the dream, or whatever it was that happened in the wee hours of the night, I remember it all. We were in my bedroom. But until later today, I didn’t remember that I took myself back, and told him to leave. I didn’t accept him treating me as a second class citizen, unworthy of his care and concern, and worthy of the pain has endlessly been giving me.   I didn’t accept that I was unworthy of being loved, I accepted that I was, and that even though I loved him and do love him, I don’t accept what he offers me.

I still want to see the psychic, I still have questions that need answering.

Magically, when I remembered how I stood up and told him to leave, for the first time, I could envision him as smaller, more distant in my head.  Moving away from me.  Just someone that I used to love…

It was a relief.  Just a relief.

I still have the issues with A to resolve, but A is a loving soul and won’t make it hard.  He’ll make it easy for me.  Those issues don’t have to be solved right now.

Whatever it was, a dream, a visitation, a trip into the astral plane….it was a turning point for me.  I would guess there will still be a few waves, but right now I don’t see any and that’s a start.  If I see any, I can remember that i told him he had to leave.

Rogue Waves

Posted on by learning to live like water

i have been trying to explain to A for over an hour why I have backed away.  Not because I don’t love him, but because I am healing.  Because I need to sort out my emotions, because I need answers as to why I set myself up for such a fall.  He doesn’t get it.  He’s one of those, snap-out-of-it kind of guys.  Oh man, if only it was so easy.  If only I didn’t have deep dark questions about myself.

I don’t know if I want to engage in a long distance relationship with him.  At all.  Let alone when my heart is still in pieces, my trust in myself is shot.  My understanding of what is has been flipped over, and upside down, and is still righting itself.

I told A I have a blog, all this time he didn’t know.  But I told him no one has the link to it, because it would cause me to censor what I write.  That was not true, S has the link.  I regret every day that he has it.  It caused so many problems in our relationship, and it prevented me, at times, from writing what I felt.  Now, I try to write imagining that he doesn’t read it, because I need this outlet for myself.  If he can’t contact me, then I won’t ever know if he read it or not.  I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to deal with his emotions over it. But I vowed no one else would ever get the link that knew me.  So I could keep the purity of what I write as coming from my heart.

Last I talked to S, on Monday, he was still reading them.  I shake my head….why would he?  Maybe he’s afraid I’ll tell some of his deep dark secrets.  I won’t.  Geezus.  I won’t.  I also know he misses me, and wants to know what I’m up to.  I hope that will go away if we never communicate.  I hope I will stop missing him too.

I feel bad that A is unsettled by me again.  I may lose him….that would be awful. I didn’t shut him out, I just don’t want to be intimate at the moment.  I have to heal, I have to get the connection with S out of my psyche.  I tried to explain about learning lessons from the hard things we go through. A said, “he has nothing to teach you.”  He doesn’t get it, what it is I need to do.  It was frustrating, to me, to have him try to get me to change how I feel.  Because he loves me.  He doesn’t want to lose me.  Again. He wants me to come see him, to stay with him.  To make love to him.  I’m not ready to do that with anyone.

I feel what I feel.  Geezus.  I’ve been on this journey for a long time.  I will honor what I feel, I will have the hard conversations.  But I won’t be deterred.

It was a hard day anyway.  My job is ridiculous, totally get stressed out there.  For the next 10 days I’m covering 2 desks, and my own desk is keeping me there at least 9 hrs every day.  Then I am dealing with the roller coaster of emotions still, from S.  They are like a stormy sea, they are calming.  I have been boating in some seas where when you look up, all you see around you is water, and a small patch of sky.  That’s where it was.  The patch of sky is bigger now, but the seas are still rough.  Every once in a while a 50 ft wave knocks me down and dismasts me.  Rogue waves. From a rogue.

From  Merriam-Webster:  Rogue.  A vagrant, a tramp . a dishonest or worthless person.  A scoundrel.

Rogue waves. Still riding them.

Left-Over Thoughts From the Epiphany Yesterday

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve finally come down off the adrenaline of last night’s epiphany about who and what I’ve been dealing with.  It’s a shock to the system, when you finally see someone clearly that you’ve been making up stories about because you loved them.  I’m assimilating, the message is working it’s way through my chakras, I’m fairly balanced and calm tonight.

I told my son a little bit about the plans that he had for me, and my son was like “Say WHAT??????”  LOL.  He never liked the guy, but even he was amazed at the audacity, the sheer egocentricity of the things he espouses.  You just gotta just say, ” Wow, I dodged a real bullet…”  She’s welcome to him.  Ewwww.  Of course, he won’t make the offer to her, lol.  Or even let her know it was on the table.  LOL.  Idiocy.  Just idiocy.  At least I had a good idea of who I was lavishing affection on .  She has no idea, but that’s her own stupidity.  I’m sure she likes the games as well as he does.

Texted with both Jim and A today, A for only a short time.  Jim throughout the day.  It will be a fun to go out on a Friday night!  I think it will give us, particularly me, a much better read on our connection.  Jim seems to feel a good connection, but I’m a long way from that.  I really don’t get his sense of humor, but I think he’s trying too hard to be funny. Although, he just called and made me laugh while we talked.  Maybe it’s just the texting thing, sometimes it’s hard to follow, but I want to try to lighten him up a bit.  I know I have been holding back, and I will continue to do that, so I don’t get myself into another dysfunctional relationship.  But I won’t be holding back because I’m in love anymore with someone else.  With clarity, that romantic love just dissipated.  Gone.  And it’s easier to ignore the connection we have, when I look at him through clear eyes.

You know, we get one good shot at this life.  He actually got two, the second when some philanthropic organization paid $208,000 so that he could get an experimental drug that cured him of liver cancer….I mean, that cancer is usually just a death sentence.  And he wastes that 2nd chance playing games with people, play acting out who he is with everyone and full of self satisfaction when they believe the lie, instead of trying to make his life worth the effort of those who gave him the 2nd chance.  Instead of showing gratitude for his few more years on the earth by trying to love people, and do his best to lift them, as he was lifted.  He is still only interested in getting what he wants, whether it’s right or wrong, whether it makes him a better person, or drives him into a hole, whether it allows him to be connected to the human race, the one great consciousness, or causes him to be separate and alone.  Thoughtless.  Careless.  Ungrateful. Self-absorbed.  But mostly, sad, just sad.

A few left-over thoughts is all.  I’m moving Onward…..

Love and light.