Category Archives: Emotions

Dancing Through the Insanity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Better Things Await

Posted on by learning to live like water

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Energetic Discomfort This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

energy cordsI am feeling an attempt to energetically cord me again this morning, despite my deleting the song, despite my determination to stay on the road I’m on.  It’s irritating.

I find myself feeling negative emotions for no reason.  Unsettledness in my solar plexus and sacral chakras, which is always where I feel it.  I am determined to send it back where it came from.

I’m not sure it’s intentional.  It’s probably not. In fact, I doubt the sender is even cognizant of the fact that it’s being sent. But it doesn’t matter, it’s here this morning, and it disrupted my sleep last night.  Time to do reiki, I think.  Time to do a gratitude meditation. Time to cut the cords, once more. Time to make space for the positive emotions to take over and crowd this crap out.

I have no idea what’s happening at the source of this energetic cord.  Nor do I want to know.  I think the whole point of it is to encourage me to find out.  But I don’t want to know.  It’s of no purpose, it brings nothing to my life but magnification of negativity that manages to stretch across the miles to me.

I hold no grudge about it, I have no anger. I wish no ill on this person.  I wish for them all good things.  I understand that the person at the other end of this energetic cord that is trying to wrap around me is doing the best they can from the level of consciousness.  I forgive, because of that.  I am done with that chapter of my life.  I just want to be left alone by this person, on every level.

So much nicer to have my son’s laughing energy when I wake up.  I’m going to get back to that place, and send this energy on it’s way, back to the source, out to the Universe to atone for everyone’s highest good.

Love and light, everyone.

Crazy Day, With a Few Demons Thrown In

Posted on by learning to live like water

werid

Kind of a weird day…..

First of all, I had to spend $345 on a new muffler.  My son chastised me because I never wash my car, so the undercarriage never gets washed.  The muffler was rotted out.

None of that would be a reason to chastise me, except that for 30 years my ex and I ran 3 full service car washes.  And I KNOW that it’s true.  Now that I have to actually pay for a car wash…it’s maybe once every 3 or 4 months.  And I hate waiting in line for a car wash, so….I won’t stop if there are more than a couple of cars in line.

Make it past tense…I know better.  I’ll do better.  LOL..  Plus I will move where the roads are not coated with salt and other stuff 4 months out of the year.

Then…I may have written some of this awhile ago.  Can’t remember, not going to go look it up.  Last summer when S disappeared for 4 days, after stopping me from breaking up with him with the excuse he was really sick, he had terrible headaches, he was going for an MRI and a CATscan to make sure he didn’t have a tumor or an aneurysm.  That was on the weekend, and on the following Thursday he disappeared, would not answer my texts, or my calls, or my emails.  I was in a panic, I thought he was maybe laying dead in his house.  I was calling the hospitals to see if he’d been admitted.  Seriously.  Finally, I remembered he’d said he might go to New Jersey to see his mom, but had assumed he wouldn’t with his health issues.  I later found out (if it’s true) that his mother died.  But that doesn’t explain disappearing, not answering my panicked messages.  I asked him in January, when we were talking, if B went with him and that’s why he wouldn’t answer me.  He said, no she didn’t go.  But really, I don’t believe him.  There’s no other reason for him to do what he did.

So once I figured out that must be where he was, I got drunk, to numb the anger and pain he had wrought on my heart and soul and mind.  I wrote a blog called “Comfortably Numb” because that’s what I was seeking, to be comfortably numb.  I searched for a pic on Google using those 2 words, comfortably numb.  Not being a huge Pink Floyd fan, I’d never heard the song, or even of the song.  But when I found it, because the search was full of links to it, perfect, I put the link on the blog.  Pink Floyd is S’s favorite band.

Later, a month or so, he told me I “stole” the song from him.  Wha???  Whatever.  He said it had a lot of meaning for him.  Well it did for me too, when he fucking disappeared after such a heartfelt plea for me not to abandon him.  (Of course, he had B…so it was all a play and who the hell knows how much is true?)  I had downloaded it to my iPhone already.

When we broke up, I deleted it from the playlist.  It was too dark for me, about a junkie getting fix, or whatever junkies call it when someone is sticking a needle in their arm to numb them up.  I kept it on my phone, after all I’d paid for it.  But didn’t want to hear it.

Today, it started playing again.  I went to check to see if it had somehow reappeared on my playlist, and no, it had not.  But it was playing.  It did this about 2 months ago too.  And then it stops and I don’t hear it for months.  Whatever.  Just seems weird.  I half expected to hear from him.

Then, last night I saw a pic of a guy from my hometown, who happened to be my ex’s roommate when he was a freshman in college.  I wasn’t friends with him really, when we were in high school, but became friends when I started seeing my ex.  The pic was with another friend of mine.  So I “liked” it.

Today I got a FB message from him, saying hi, very nice greeting.  Asked about my ex, how to get in touch with him, did we ever get married…LOL.  So I gave him my ex’s number, and said I’m sure he’d love to hear from him.  I hope he calls him.  I called my ex to let him know.  He was happy, and grateful, it was ok to talk with him.  Still wants to tell me how bad things are for him, (as if it’s my fault I think) but I’m used to that.  Nothing is his fault.

That seems to be a main character trait of the men I fall in love with.  Nothing is their fault, really.  Even if they pretend to own it, they really don’t.

So, by the end of the day, I am exhausted, emotionally.  What S did last week, denying me to her again, is sticking in my craw today.  I hope it will go away.  It’s who he is.  He could never stand up and say to her, I may have messed up but I wanted to be with her, for xyz reasons.  Because he did….for God’s sake.  She’s not stupid, she knows that.  But he looks like an ass.

Oh well.  Crazy day.  I hope that Comfortably Numb stops playing.  I hope my old friend calls my ex, it will give him a lift.  And I hope the muffler bill doesn’t spike my credit card bill too much, lol.  And I hope he comes clean with her, but I doubt it.  I’m going to try to wash the feeling of betrayal all over again, out of my system.  At least I know her now, I know she’s not stupid, or mean, I know she knows I cared way too much for him.  I know she doesn’t blame me.  She’s gotta battle her own demons with him.  I have looked mine in the eye, and stared them down.  They know better than to fuck with me again, lol.

 

 

 

 

Difficult Emotions

Posted on by learning to live like water

Regrets, shame, guilt….Some very difficult emotions to manage.

I try, honestly, to live in a way I don’t have too many regrets.  It’s been a lesson I learned the hard way, so I try to always look at the big picture when I do something.  Sometimes, I don’t, or can’t.  Sometimes I get carried away and do things that I can’t be sure how they will turn out.  Don’t we all?

I tend to listen to my gut, my intuition.   Things have happened recently where I did that.  I couldn’t see the all the ramifications, there was no way to know what they would be, at least for me.  I followed my heart, my intuition.  I don’t regret it, for myself.  I warned others about doing things they would regret.  They made their choices.

Now I find out that these actions, which were far from mine alone, hurt other people, and have caused some of the other emotions in others.

I am sorry for that.  I don’t regret doing what I did, because the actions were something I needed. They helped me with my healing, they helped me to ease the pain of rejection and loss from the events of last fall.  That others were hurt, or feel guilty was inevitable, in that situation I guess.  I take no joy in that fact.

But at any rate, I am sorry for the discomfort of others.  The situation, from the beginning almost a year ago, was bound to hurt people, and keep hurting people.  I have retreated.  I have taken myself out, and leave the others to heal as best they can.  I tried to help, but I had my own healing too to deal with.  I know I did what I could to help.  And I did what I needed to to heal.  The fact is, those two things were never going to be the same thing.

I still believe in unconditional love.  I hope those hurt, and those immersed in guilt, can understand that it was hard for me too. I was always the odd woman out.  I’ll be fine, eventually.  I only wish the best for everyone, and ask the universe to work things out for the highest good of all of us.

 

Still Waiting…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Waiting-

Maybe I’m just tired tonight. It’s getting late for me, because I’m up so early. Maybe it’s because I was alone all day.

But I’m sad. Just, sad. I miss him, and I don’t. I remember how I loved him and I don’t anymore, but I miss loving him. I used to be able to call his name in my head, and I’d hear from him. I don’t now. I think about calling him that way, and then every version of the conversation that could possibly take place runs through my head and it’s never good, it never serves any purpose except to re-open old wounds.

I wish I could just let go. I wish I had no connection to him except the 18 months that I knew him. I wish I never knew what he felt, and I wish I had never called his name and had him answer. I wish he’d never said to me, “if something happened to you, I’d know. I’d just know.” Because if that’s true, he knows right now how my heart aches. And I believe it’s true, that he knows. Because I know when his does.

Right now, I know he doesn’t blame me, he doesn’t hate me. But he never wants to talk to me again, because it reminds him of how utterly stupid and self-absorbed and self-centered he is. And what he lost because of it. He knows he cannot hide from me, because he knows that my soul and his recognize each other over the lifetimes, even if he says, “We can’t know that…” Instead of me reminding him of the light that shines somewhere under all those layers of darkness that he hides under, I remind him of how he put his own interests ahead of everyone, and ended up with nothing and no one. A barren landscape that once held so much promise.  I never wanted to bring him shame. 

Why do I even care? I am strong, independent. I have created my life so that I can live it out the way I want to, and don’t need anyone. But I wanted him, I think that has gone on for a very long time. I knew this when we met, I knew that I already knew him.

I read a couple of old blogs from the 3 days over which the truth became known in November. I don’t know why I read them, maybe I was just trying to keep the memory of my disgust, my amazement at the depth of what he did, alive so I wouldn’t miss him, so I’d see how utterly without conscience he was.

I remembered all of that, but then I also remembered when I loved him. I also remembered when the end started, and I also remembered how I kept asking him to just let me go. I remembered how it unraveled slowly all summer and then he let it build back up, he pretended we were going to be together in the way I’d dreamed of for months. He let my emotions crescendo, maybe because he wanted to feel how much I loved him just one last time, just before he destroyed me.  It’s hard for me to imagine that he didn’t purposefully cause me all that pain.

I found this poem I wrote one week after I last talked to him, the day that she got my letter and I told him he was dead to me.  I’m going to put it here again, because I think it’s pertinent to the way I feel tonight. It’s called “Awaiting Transformation”

Day dawns,

First light glows the horizon

Soft pink

Where heaven meets earth.

The sky still indigo directly above,

With one solitary star still visible

On this cold clear November morning.

The trees are bare,

The earth in New England settles down

For a long winter nap.

All of the the past year’s leaves and flowers

Lay on the ground

Ready to begin their transformation.

We mourn their passing,

Yet

At the same time

We know at the first breath of spring

They will arise to become

something once again beautiful.

I will rest with them

Let my heart

Heal in the warm unconditional love

of the universe

All the pieces I have so carefully put back together,

And the ones I have not found yet,

Will meld together again,

Become whole once more.

I will leave the old hurts in the ground with the leaves

Covered in the blankets of snow

Knowing that the spring will come.

Awaiting transformation.

 

Snapshots in Time

Posted on by learning to live like water

Snapshots-in-Time-Title

I have been pretty ambivalent lately in how I feel about him. I obviously missed him resulting in the blog about why we can’t be friends. I am also obviously a little distraught over my kitty. And I also fight a battle to be true to the person I want to be, which fights what I think is justice, resulting in the blog about compassion.

And I read a blog by a self-described narcissist who thought he was powerful, and made no apologies for being a user of people, which pissed me off, but moreso disgusted me.

Lots of conflicting emotions.

Scott used to complain so much about what I wrote in my blog. If he was acting like an asshole, I’ve always said so. And when he wasn’t I would say that too. I told him every blog is a snapshot in time, it’s what I feel at that moment, and it’s how I work through it.

I rue the day I EVER gave him the link to it. Worst decision ever…..

But he has it. And I feel he still reads them. Maybe not every day. I think sometimes, when he has curiosity or needs some attention, he still reads him. I have no way to verify that, it’s just something I “feel”. Which has often been a valid indicator. I do have my pendulums, but I still can’t be sure I’m getting real answers from them. They can also be a snapshot of the emotions that are being felt at the time.

So, I think I’ve figured it out at the moment. I don’t think there will be one definitive emotion. I don’t think I will ever say “I’m so done with him, I’ll never mention him again.” Or, “I will never miss him, look at what a jerk he was to me.” Or “I wish I’d hear from him” and leave it at that.

I think the emotions will come and go. I can see the pattern, but I can also see that the general trend is to keep him in the past, and let it go. It seems most days I’m doing that. It’s easier when I’m with other people, who remind me who I am and what I deserve from a man. And also remind me what a complete fuck-up fucktard he was, not only to me but to Betty.

It took years for my emotions to settle out to a consistent level after I left my ex.  Hopefully, it won’t take so long this time.

So…the blog continues to be a snap-shot in time. Like snap-chat except the blogs stay, they last. And good thing. It never hurts to have a whole lot of repetitive emotions on the printed page to remind you when you are frigging dying to reach out. And you know it would come to no good end, it would not do anything but re-open wounds that you’ve been working night and day at healing. And, anyway, the couple of times I”ve reached out, unable to quell the desire to talk to him, he has not responded. As if I’ve not been rejected enough.

Today, out running errands, by myself…(dangerous, to be driving around alone with your thoughts sometimes) I thought about how I was pretty sure they had plans for retirement, which my discovery of his lying cheating ass most likely put an end to. Suddenly it was important for him to get his house all cleaned up, and rooms painted, and fixed up. I think so he could sell it, or she could sell hers, and they could move in together. All of a sudden he was looking into Social Security, and getting the facts. Meeting with them. Telling me all about what you had to do and didn’t. And oddly getting mad at me when I already knew a lot of what he was telling me, but I’m close to that age, and I plan to start collecting it this spring.

So now…since I have a copy of the note she left him with the key to his house, saying it was all over, for him not to try to contact her, (and that was before she got my letter telling her the extent of his deception as well as a link to this blog), I would guess those plans are off for both of them. Wondering what he’ll do. Keep working? Since he had no plan before her, and probably doesn’t have one now. I have a feeling she can’t afford to retire unless she is with someone. That’s not something I know, but he told me a few times that she had terrible credit, had gotten into credit card debt, etc…..

And I know he wants to blame me for disrupting all of this. But I know at the end of the day he knows it was his own stupidity. He could have told me the truth for starters, back last spring. He could have kept his FB page hidden. He could have let me go any of the times I tried to break up with him because I wasn’t seeing him. Or the couple of times he told me he needs to be alone, and figure himself out. Usually followed within minutes or a day or two, with an offer to get together. I never took it seriously. But I did always tell him go ahead, I support that. I also told him do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m waiting in the corner for you when you decide you want to see me. If you want to be alone, be it…. And of course, he didn’t, because he made it up. He wanted to be with her, and with me. So he couldn’t go off an be alone.

Or he could have been honest with himself, and admitted that he only wanted to fuck two women, and didn’t really give a shit about either of them. I want to think he was more sincere about caring about her, but really….he denied us both to each other in exactly the same way. I just found out the truth. I don’t think she was looking for him to be lying so didn’t look for it But his choice to lead me on and build me up to a frenzy right up to the moment he told me about her, caused me to keep looking for answers. He knows I don’t “let things be” no matter how many times he asked me to.

So, I have a bunch of snapshots in the last 48 hours. Missing him, seeing him with compassion, being angry with him. And thinking about the bigger picture and how it affected him and her.

I don’t regret for a second that I made sure she knows. If he’d gotten a pass on it, it would have been a get out of jail free card, he would have done it again and again to her. (Which his history proves, his history with her and with me.) She might have gotten married to the SOB, to find her sheets soiled by another woman at any time. I wonder, often, if he had other women besides us two. If he went to see Samantha the prison whore after work some days. Or someone else. He has an insatiable need to prove himself sexually. And he can’t let anyone go, whose willing to give it to him. No matter what it will cost him if he’s found out.

He has neuropathy from being diabetic. After chemo, he wasn’t for a full year because of the weight he lost. But this summer his numbers went really bad, a fact I knew before he went to the dr and found out, because of that energetic connection we have. When all the real shit came down, I told him, it won’t matter soon, because your dick won’t be working all that much longer. I can be cruel too…..

At his age, it’s really disgusting. Honest to God. He’s gonna be 67 next month.

So today, I’m back to disgusted by the whole episode, and anxious to have it relegated to a corner of my past. Yes, I loved him. I loved him so friggin much it is ridiculous. Ridiculous considering who the man turned out to be. More ridiculous that I can say I still love him, but not in that needy, lustful way.

Snapshots…that’s all these are. Just snapshots of my emotions as I continue to work my way through this so I can have a free heart for the right guy.

Let Me Go, Set Me Free

Posted on by learning to live like water

set me free

The middle of the night is a lonely place, in my bed, alone, remembering him next to me, and then not.  His blue eyes laughing, sparkling, smiling. And then cold, like the blue of a glacier, floating in a cold ocean. Unfeeling, uncaring. Waiting for me to blindly crash into him and sink.  Missing him, why?

The hole he left in my heart….he filled it with ugliness.  Why in the world would I miss someone who used and abused me for his own pleasure?

I beg the archangels, cut these energetic cords with him. The cords that cross centuries, the cords that cross lifetimes.  I don’t want them anymore. I don’t want any in this lifetime.  I don’t want the old ones to pull me in and make me ache for what I don’t even know, or understand.

Cut them from my head, from my hands, from my heart.  Or pull them out, by the roots.  Send them back to him, or out into the universe.  There are times I don’t even know if I’m feeling my own emotions or his.  Cut them, protect me from them.  Let me know that the pain I feel is my own.  I don’t want to have to deal with his pain.  If I am.  My own pain is sufficient burden to carry.

Let me forget.  Forget the emotions which make me remember the lost dreams, the love I lavished on him. That make me remember the lies, the deception he lay in my path, to stumble across as I ran down it, my eyes blinded by my own tears, and fall flat on my face, broken, bruised and bleeding, with no hand to help me up but my own.

But to hold space, for him….because I can’t not love him, but I can’t be hurt anymore.  I can’t wake in the night any more and miss him.  I can’t continue to have emotions about him that defy the reality in which I live.

I have sat with these emotions long enough.  I beg the loving energy of the universe:  let me go, set me free.

 

Christmas Eve Growing Pains

Posted on by learning to live like water

growing pains

Christmas Eve.  The cooking is done for tonight.  We had a nice meal, but now my son has retreated to his space, and I’m here alone with the tv and my computer.  I miss the old days of being with extended family, having people around.

I called my ex today and told him there was soup and cookies on his doorknob.  He seemed really happy that I thought of him, and that I called.  He got me up to date on his family.  Most of it I knew but I didn’t tell him.  He didn’t sound drunk, so maybe he has stayed off the alcohol.  We had a nice conversation, and that’s a relief.  I called him because I knew if he didn’t go out of the house through that door, he wouldn’t know it was there.  And he didn’t know.  I was glad he called.

I told my son his father was going to call him.  I told him about our nice conversation.  I said, “you know, it would be nice if we were all at least talking before we all move.”  My son nodded, and agreed.  He has not talked to his father in 4 years.  At least.  I think it’s time, really.  He’s been away from his dad for 7 years, I’ve been for 9.

His dad called tonight, while we were eating.  My son didn’t answer it, but said he would call him back tomorrow.  I would be so happy if the relationship with my son and his father improved to the point that they were on speaking terms.  I was going to say was normal, but I think that’s asking a lot.  If my son can talk to his father, at all, without fear or resentment, I would be happy.  That’s a Christmas gift in itself.

While I was writing, my son came up and he and I just had an intimate, hard conversation about moving.  He to Colorado, me to Florida.  He is afraid he won’t have saved enough money to move, and set up a new life there by the time the house sells.  He just told me he is happy here.  He doesn’t want to even move, he would be happier if we were just staying here.  But he knows I can’t stay here and keep the house if I retire.  It’s just too expensive to live here.  But we came up with a plan, I assured him I would work with him.  But it’s up to him to make a plan he can live with, and then work the plan.

He feels better.  It’s overwhelming to him, he’s only lived in this small New England town his whole life.  Growing pains.  He’s kind of been living in between being totally on his own and being taken care of by a parent.  He’s talking about embarking on his own life, and he’s overwhelmed by it.  But he’ll be fine.

I have to say, we have been happy here.  Living here has been a hard won dream come true.  This is the place where we healed from the years of abuse.  The end of this segment of our lives is going to bring big changes to us both.  They will be good changes, but changes nonetheless.

Seems like a lot of growing pains this Christmas.  My son, and his life.  His and my relationship with his father.  Me with letting go of those things that have not served me well this past year, the things that have drained me, and given nothing back.  Over the next week, I want to fully let these things go,  and focus my attention where it will move me forward in my dreams, and bring me joy.

Still, I am so blessed this Christmas.  So much to be grateful for.  And I am.  More than I can say.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

 

 

It’s Supposed To Be This Way, Isn’t It?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy-Winter-Solstice-12.png

I always thought the winter solstice was today, the 21st.  But it’s actually tomorrow morning at 4 in the morning, GMT.  But tonight is the longest night of the year.  Tomorrow, the shortest day.

And then, the days get longer.  Sigh.  Dreams of summer begin to float in my mind.

Long days, days at the beach with good friends.  The Beach Whores, we call ourselves. Any Beach Any Time.

I may be moving this summer.  I hope.  Last summer was my last full summer here, and I can thank Scott for making sure it was an unhappy time in my life, playing his narcissistic game.  Except when I was with my friends, which gratefully I was.

However long I am here this summer, even if it’s all summer, I will enjoy the whole thing.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even find someone to sit out on the deck with me and stargaze.

But now, it’s winter, the world sleeps, Christmas is upon us.  Then the New Year.  The short days and long nights give us pause for retrospection and introspection.  What lessons did I learn from the last year? What direction do I now want my life to take?

I’m still kind of on a happiness hangover from having such a good day yesterday.  The gongs brought up some stuff, and I dealt with it Saturday, really just sat with it, and it came up, and it went.  The place where it was, that old sadness and pain, was filled with joy on Sunday.

I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?  The old stuff comes up, and if you don’t try to re-bury it, but honor your feelings, they just dissipate, and we can allow joy to come in.  Because, I think it’s there, just waiting.

Happy solstice everyone.