Category Archives: Letting Go

First Monday of Not Working

Posted on by learning to live like water

My son asked me Saturday how my first day of retirement was. I said, “Well, it’s Saturday and I wouldn’t have been at work anyway, so it feels the same.” This morning is Monday, and I woke up early as usual. I tried to go back to sleep, but no such luck. Lists and plans and things that need doing kept stirring around my mind and finally I stopped fighting it and got up.

Now, sitting here in the early dawn, with my coffee, in the quiet, it does occur to me that, no, I don’t have to go to work today. I do wish I could sit on my deck in the cool morning air, but I don’t have a chair I can put out there. So, I opened the slider to let the cool air in, and listen to the birds.

My friend made me a spectacular Maine lobster dinner last night, 2 lobsters each. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten two, but I did these. Also salad, backed potatoes, green beans. I was shocked. Just feel so blessed that they wanted to do that for me. God I will miss this family. But they said they will come to visit, and will also give me a room next summer. Really lucky to have such close friends.

Feeling a little nostalgic, a little sad this morning, I suppose because I saw last night how much I will miss my people here. It’s certainly an emotional roller coaster. I think I’ll be fine when I get on the road to Florida, but this morning, the distance between now and then seems so great. So many people I want to see before I leave here.

I’ll get through it, as I always do.

When I got home my son informed me that the front door lock was broken. The deadbolt has been unable to be locked from the inside for awhile. There’s another lock in the door handle, which we really never use. But apparently, unknown to me, my son has been and now it doesn’t work either. It feels stuck, so I’m going to go buy a can of WD40 and spray it this morning. I sure hate to call a locksmith when I’ll only be here two more weeks. Seems ridiculous. But I can’t leave it unlocked for the week I’ll be gone.

My son also told me he thinks there’s a skunk living under my deck. I said, “OMG, I better get some repellent or something.” He said, “No….leave it for the new people.” LOL. He’s mad at the $5k they took from me too, lol. I will have to get my friend Peter’s big extension ladder out from underneath the deck though. I hope the skunk is not in residence when we try to do that!

Feeling pretty good this morning. A little tentative, but ok. I’m usually better as the day wears on and I get things accomplished. Moving along…

Love and light everyone.

Life Without My Stuff

Posted on by learning to live like water

(I had such a hard time titling this post.  I kept wanting to call it Breaking My Life Into Pieces but thought that sounded too much like a sad love affair, and I’ve surely written enough of those, lol.  Athough the emotion is not dissimilar, strangely.  Big change comes hard, most times, whether it’s a love affair, your kid moving out, or you moving away.  There is always some degree of loss, and some degree of gain.)

The people who bought my deck furniture two weeks ago finally came back and got it last night. The wife is very excited to have it, which makes me feel good. But now, I can’t sit outside in the morning and write and have my coffee and listen to the birds and feel the cool morning air because there is no place to sit. I can’t even take a chair from my kitchen table out because I sold the kitchen table.

It feels like watching my life get broken into pieces and sold off, or given away. I was able to schedule the Salvation Army to come pick up my son’s couches on Sept 12. I’ll give them a bunch of other stuff that I have that’s in decent shape. I have to call a guy whose name a friend gave me, to take a bunch of stuff to the dump for me. I have a large collection of half burned candles I want to give away….Good Yankee candles for the most part. But I think I’ll have to throw them out.

I never thought I was attached to things. Really. My ex is attached to things, he can’t let go of anything even when it drags him under. I’m not attached like that, I can divest myself of what I don’t want to take with me, but it is harder than I expected to walk through my house without all the stuff that is normally there, just part of my life. I am a bit shaken by it.

I’ll be glad in a few weeks, when I can start putting it back in a place I want it, in Florida. When I can again have my house with my stuff, and feel like, yeah, it’s my house when I come through the door. Right now, even my bedroom is beginning to look strange to me. The nightstands almost cleared off, the closet with nothing in it except shoes, and my summer clothes. Drawers have been emptied out.

I’m making lists of what has to be done yet. Call the insurance co, call the utilities, call the cable company, call the garbage pick up. I wish honestly I’d quit working last Friday. I just have so much to do before I take off for Denver.

Which is another stressor altogether. I should be down about 10 lbs by the time this is over. I know my friend, my bff, is planning a goodbye party of some kind when I get back from Denver. She invited me to dinner the 9th. But I KNOW her. Besides her nephew said to me last time I saw him, “Well, we are having that party for you anyway, right?” LOL. Gave it away, lol. But I’m not telling her, I will fake it and be surprised. That will be nice, really, to see everyone one last time before I go.

I’m sure my blogs are getting kind of boring, just about the stress, and the angst, and things I have to do to accomplish this. Let me say it is WAY more stress than leaving my ex-husband was. For one thing, I was running full-tilt boogie from a life that was killing me, literally. I couldn’t wait to get out of the pressure-cooker of that house, away from him and his lying power trip. I couldn’t wait to live somewhere where I could wake up and everything was the same as when I went to bed. I didn’t take much with me, and I was going a mile and a half away.

This move…the life I have here is wonderful, and I don’t particularly want to leave it. I just want to stop working and I can’t, and live here. And I am sick to death of winter. It’s so difficult when you are on your own, and have to deal with all the snow, and cold and heating bills by yourself. I’m sick of driving to work and/or home in snow, shoveling my car off, getting snow in my shoes, when I leave work. But mostly sick of having to go to work anyway, lol.

My life….I’m just blessed. My son and I are happy sharing the same space while we both have our own lives. I have a ton of friends, so I’m not usually alone unless I choose to be. But I can’t keep this house if I don’t work, and I don’t want to work, so off I go to my mortgage free bungalow in Florida. It will all be good, but the transition is difficult, really difficult.

Time to get this day underway. Love and light, all.

Emotional Packing

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

packing

I’ve found I can only pack and sort things for about 2 or 3 hours a day. I just get too emotional. So attached to some things, which it would be stupid to take, but it’s so hard to let them go. One of them….well, I just stuffed it in a box. It was a huge teddy bear that was a Christmas gift to my son for his first Christmas. I just couldn’t let it go. It’s been sitting in the rocking chair in my room since forever, even before I left his father.

So many other things. I had emails between S and I that I’d printed out, I had pieces of writing from 20 years ago, I had memories, memories. So hard. I managed to throw most of that stuff out, but it made me melancholy, to be leaving everything I have known as an adult. I lay down on the chaise in my living room and cried for a few minutes. I laid down on my bed, and just closed my eyes to process all that has happened to me in the 40 years I’ve lived here.Everything that has brought me to this moment, of packing up my life of 40 years, and sorting out the things I want to take with me.  Lay there for about an hour.

My son asked me twice today what was wrong. I just said, “You know, it’s just big changes…so many big changes.” But I decided that I was done packing and sorting for the day. I changed my clothes, put on some makeup and went to the store to get laundry detergent and limes so I could have a drink when I got back, maybe read a book or something.

I got to the store, and as the universe does, I walked through the parking lot right into my bff who I am able to tell anything to, and told her how my morning was. She knows me, she gets it. She is always, has always been there for me. Even when I didn’t listen to her about S, she stuck with me while I figured it out. So we talked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me to run into her. She said she’d pick me up at the airport on the 8th when I get home. Awesome.

When I got home, instead of making the drink I was going to, I made a frozen peach strawberry daiquiri for my son and myself. It wasn’t bad, considering it was the first time I’ve made one in maybe 20 years, lol. Then I sat on the couch and began really mapping out our trip to Denver. We’re going to do somewhere around 500 miles a day, and then the last day only have about 350 to do. I got hotel phone numbers so we can call and make reservations.

Then I did the same for the trip to Florida which is a full day shorter.

Then a girl which whom he is close friends came over, had the last of the daiquiris and they decided they’d make me dinner. 🙂  Good kids.

I think I’m at the point I can stop obsessing about making sure everything is packed up for my mover’s date. I think I’m well ahead of the game now. When I stop working next weekend, I’ll have all week to get most of the house finished. I will leave the kitchen until I get back from Denver.

It gets more real every day. Most everyone I know I’ll see again. They’ll be down to see me, or I’ll be up to see them. There are some people I won’t see again though, and some I won’t get to say goodbye to. I guess I just have to do the best I can. The love I have for them will always be. I think they know that.

Love and light, all.

This Morning, No Loss, Only Gain

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

happiness

This morning I awoke at my normal time, 5:30. It was lovely, cool. The day yesterday was in the high 80’s, as today is supposed to be, and the night was cool, it’s in the low 60’s this morning. Perfection, not a cloud in the sky. The people who bought my deck furniture have not come back yet to pick it up, so I am still sitting in my sacred space, typing this. Another gifted day for me.

I awoke happy this morning. Really feeling happy. I don’t know if I finally sat with that funk long enough, missing him, or what, but today it seems gone. Today I feel so ready to move forward, with no regrets, not longings for anything that wasn’t. Today I can see that what was behind me should be behind me, and that what I have in front of me can be just the most amazing part of my life.

I have told my son that the least of my worries is whether or not he’ll get a job. He’s been filling out applications online and has had 3 or 4 good call backs. He hasn’t found a place to live yet, and that has been my biggest worry. I told him last night, if he doesn’t have a place to live he’s coming with me, lol. There is no way I’m taking him to Denver without a place waiting for him. He said he’s contacted 50 places and they won’t get back to him.

So I looked on Craigslist myself last night. I came to realize that he probably hasn’t gotten a callback because he has no rental history. I told him, you need to tell them you’ve been paying $400 a month for years, which he has, to me. That he’s been making a car payment for over a year, never a minute late. And he bought some stuff on a credit card, just so he’d have credit, and paid it off on time. I told him to get a free credit check and print it out and tell people they are welcome to see it.

He said he’s going to do that this morning, and hopefully that will make a difference. He is seriously one of the most responsible 24 year olds I know. He’s offering 3 months rent up front. Because I’m serious, he’s not going without a place to live. No way. And I know he doesn’t want to come to Florida and live in a town full of “90 year olds Mom.” LOL. Whatever. Just find a nice place to live and I’ll be good.

Didn’t hear from my buyers about the offer I made yet. I’m guessing they had to have the report checked out by someone. I hope I hear today. I can’t imagine that they won’t take it, if they love the house. I don’t think I could be more fair.

So much to do this week. Tag sale Saturday, and I need to make sure I get everything together that I want to try to sell. Tonight I have a hair appointment, Thursday I’m going out with some friends for dinner. So I have tomorrow night and Friday night to prepare.

Work has become a little easier. I’m turning over most everything to my replacement to do, while I’m still there, to assist in whatever she has questions about. She is still so overwhelmed, she gets so confused so easily, but it’s not to be unexpected. She has had to learn the basics of 3 different companies in a relatively short amount of time. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but I know she’s terrified for me to leave.

The other girl who I’m training is not in such a confusing job, and seems to pick it up easily and does not get too upset, she just figures out stuff on her own. She still requires my help on things, but only things that come up that are completely foreign to her.

I think I’m leaving both jobs in good hands, and have done a good job of training them as best I can.

I met with my financial counselor yesterday to talk about what I need to do with the money from the house, and to find out where I should take money from when I need it, and how to switch over my 401K, etc. It all looks good. I feel comfortable with my plans and he seemed to feel comfortable too.

I’ll tell my ex that I’m moving pretty soon, maybe next week, so he won’t get blindsided by it when he goes to his niece’s wedding. I won’t be seeing that whole family again most likely, except maybe the cousin with whom I’m good friends. But I haven’t seen them for years anyway, so it’s fine. They are all very cloistered in their fears of each other.

So, I’m ready. This morning I’m ready for this next chapter of my life to start, and I’m not even feeling choked up when I think about my son being so far away. Well, a little, but not overwhelmingly. For the last 4 days it was so hard. Today I don’t feel like I’m losing anything, only gaining.

It’s a beautiful day today, my life is becoming what I dreamed it would. At the end of the day, there is only love. Always and all ways.

Love and light.

Finding My New Path

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a day from hell, at work. Friday is always the hardest day at my job, and I’m training two new people, and it just got crazy. At the end of the day my boss called me and one of my new people out for not responding to an email earlier in the week. Now, yeah, we should have. The thing is, we get about 400 emails a day that we have to sift through. This one I saw, and planned to responod to but in the craziness of training 2 new people, I let it go. It was not a big deal. I had it on my desk Friday to show the new person what we needed to do with it. But bosses big brother, who is a complete control freak, jumped in and made a mountain out of a mole hill. When I got called into my bosses office, exhausted, after working 45 hours last week, full tilt boogie, I came very close to saying, “you know I have one foot out the door already……” I did not, because of the new girl who I could see was totally blindsided and taken aback. But when I left work I was wondering how I would make it 4 more weeks there.

You know, I like the job, when I’m just doing my job. But to have me training 2 new people, one at a job that I only backed up at, and never did on a full time basis, and bitch at me about one email that was not even urgent…I mean, how thin can he spread me and still ask me for complete competence like he’s used to? GRRRR.

Anyway, on the way home, I called my friend who is also moving, and bitched to her about my inspection and she bitched back to me about hers, and how people want to just empty your pockets out into theirs. We ended up laughing with each other, and went out for a drink and some fried calamari. Three single guys were sitting at the bar next to us, being a little raucous, but funny. About our age, probably closer to hers than mine. But they ended up engaging us in conversation, it was fun, and just a wee bit flirty. They told us about a band playing across the street from where we were on later this month, a well known country artist. The venue is outdoors under a roof, on the banks of the Connecticut River, next door to a 200 year old opera house. We may try to go. They kept saying they hoped they’d see us there. They were joking about how it could be my send off to Florida.

i

I came home all relaxed. I only had one glass of wine, and I slept like a baby for 7 hours.

This morning, I came out side at 6 AM, and felt so refreshed. It is a lovely morning. A friend wanted me to go to the beach but I am going to begin my sorting and packing today. Just can’t do it.

I told my realtor to offer the buyers $1000 and the couch and loveseat in my basement, and my snow blower. Then they can do all the inspections they want. She seemed to think that it was fair. I haven’t heard back yet. I just so need to be done with this.

Feeling good about it all this morning. I did my morning meditation and had the sensation of floating down a clear stream, in which the water was warm, and luxuriating in it. Soon I’ll be in my “Avalon” and all the stress of the last year will just be a memory. And most likely, not all that important. Every day I feel myself finding a new, lovely path in life.

Love and light, all.

Trying to Just Keep Rising

Posted on by learning to live like water

keep rising

I just came home from the gong bath.  Gong meditation.  I took a friend tonight, someone not into much alternative stuff.  She asked, “There’s not water involved?”  LOL.  No…..Better to call it a meditation, that is, really what it is.  But deep, very deep if you want it to be.

When I am there, bathed in the vibration of the gongs, and crystal bowls and the drums, I seem to be able to look at the issues in my life non-judgmentally.  I seem to get a clearer picture of what has happened, is happening.  From a different level.  It has happened so many times.  S once told me I should go every night, because I work so much stuff out when I’m there.   I’m a much nicer person, apparently.  Or at least, so he thought. I suppose it’s true, because who isn’t nicer when they aren’t stressed.  Although he was usually the one stressing me, lol. But I digress.

Tonight was no different. What I think I needed to do tonight was get back to the present moment. To stop fretting over things about which I have no control. There is so much going on in my life right now with retirement, buying a house, selling a house. Leaving here, relocating where I know three people well. Letting go of old attachments to people, places and things.

I reminded myself tonight, that my obligation to myself is to keep rising. There are those who will rise with me. There are those who won’t rise at all. There are those who will rise, catch up to me, and rise past me. We all may bump into each other in this life. But each of us has to keep rising, in our own way, on our own path. I believe that we are here, in this lifetime, to learn lessons, and to evolve our souls. So, the only thing I have to do, is try to keep doing that.

Back when my friend who is a medium suggested that S was my twin flame, she explained about that kind of relationship, how it is push pull, how one is running and is chasing.  How you are usually not in the same place based on the many life experiences.  The important thing she said to me though, was, “and you have just just keep rising.” The rest will never be known to me, if he is or is not my twin.That there is some kind of soul connection is undeniable.  I know when I’m going to hear from him, I still feel him.  I basically ignore it, but the fact is, it doesn’t matter now.  All that matters is I keep rising.

It does not involve hate and anger, blame, guilt, shame. It does not involve jealousy or selfishness. It does not involve any of the negative emotions we as humans find so easy in our interactions with others. We all have to keep rising. We can’t hold the hands of others and pull them with us, everyone has to raise themselves. If we meet somewhere, at some point, then it’s just a blessing.

When the meditation tonight was over, I was thinking about what a loving and supportive environment it is there. Everyone is there for healing. Everyone is there to lovingly support each other. I have friends who I see only at the gongs, who I have seen once or twice a month for years now. And I feel so close to them, as if we know each others souls.

It’s all about love, everything, every emotion that I have there reduces to love. It’s like numerology, reduce to a single digit. It’s like the Rumi saying I put up this morning, we are left with two desires at the end of the day: to love, and to be happy. Evolving our souls, to me, is finding a way to love more, and be happier for it.

So I go to the gongs, twice a month, to seek out unconditional love, and to find a way to be happy. For the most part, it works. I am always always, better for having gone.

Sending love and light to all tonight.

 

Dreaming the Night Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

tunnel

I had a couple of weird dreams last night. I think more than a couple, but two are all I can remember enough to look them up on dreammoods.

Both about driving.

The first, I was driving down what I think was the road Scott lives on. I was looking for a cross street, to get to his house, even though he lives in reality right on the road, and I don’t need a cross street to get there. At any rate, I couldn’t find the cross street, and kept driving and driving. Here’s what dreammoods says:

Driving: To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life.

Road: To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or  bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that  you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.

If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned.

Search: To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem. 

The road was smooth, a typical New England road, really his road, bordered by trees, woodlands, rural homes, farms, some large gentle curves, but not windy, a few easy hills, but you can’t find a road here that has no hills. It wasn’t narrow either. It was his road which is a state highway, one lane in each direction.

Since I was searching for his cross street, his intersection, I would guess I was looking for him in my life. Since I couldn’t find it, I think it must say that our lives are not intersecting at this point. I continued to look, for that intersection of our energies, our life paths. I knew where to look, but it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t give up. Right now, I don’t think that to keep looking is a healthy thing to do. However, considering my belief that we are so connected at the soul level, I have a feeling part of me will always be looking for the guy I knew and loved, which is completely not the guy he is manifesting right now. So, I couldn’t find him, or his intersection in my dream.

It would behoove me to just stop looking now, and focus on my own path. To just keep rising. Never say never, but for the time being, we won’t intersect. I guess it’s good that I just kept driving, down the typical easy road.

The second dream was driving also. I was driving my regular route to work. The highway became a single lane tunnel. As I approached the end of the tunnel a police car with the lights on came driving toward me, and blocked the lane out of the tunnel. The officer motioned for me to back up. Not to turn around and go back, but for me and those behind me, to back up the length of the tunnel. I woke up, with the car stopped, I remember thinking in the dream “Is this guy crazy? He wants me to back up, in reverse, all the length of this tunnel?” Which is exactly how I would react in life, I would have gotten out of the car and said, “how about you let me turn around?” I didn’t do it, in the dream.

So we already know what driving means.

Tunnel: To see a tunnel in your dream represents the vagina, womb, and birth. Thus it may refer to a need for security and nurturance.

To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase “tunnel vision”. Are you being close minded or narrow minded in some issue?

To see the light at the end of a tunnel symbolizes hope. You will navigate through life and all its difficulties with great success. Alternatively, it also indicates the end of your journey and the realization of your goals.

Police car: To see a police car in your dream indicates that help is on the way for you. You are experiencing some inner turmoil and need intervention.

Police: To see the police in your dream symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.

Driving backwards: To dream that you are driving a car in reverse suggests that you are experiencing major setbacks in your goals. In particular, if you drive in reverse into a pool of water, then it means that you emotions are literally holding you back.

So, again, it’s about my life’s path. I think I can buy that I’m seeking and opening to a new awareness of many things in my life. And, at the same time, have had some tunnel vision in regards to him. The tunnel ended, there was light, and I had hope. The need for nurturing ties in exactly to what the medium told me, about my grief. Security? Idk, I don’t really feel insecure. Yes the move is a big overwhelming thing to do, but I don’t feel insecure about it, or myself. So I’d say it’s the nurturing thing, for sure.

Then the power and authority and control represented by the police in the dream, tried to stop me, from getting to the light. What’s interesting is that whatever force or energy was represented by the police stopping me, and I can pretty easily guess what energy that was, wanted me to go backward, to experience a major setback, to not get to the light. Honestly, I was wondering earlier this week about that, he was on my mind so much. However, rather than allow it myself to go backward, I woke up. I hate to do things twice, lol.

I was almost out of the tunnel. Which says to me, I was making, have been making real progress. Maybe I just need to be very vigilant I don’t allow myself to go backward, to the place I was. Maybe the police officer was a warning to me. Because the police car itself, symbolizes help is on the way.

Which must be my friends here, lol. Helping me through the strong pull of the energetic connection this week.

Thank you my sweet friends. Would love to hear any additional thoughts. I do have a little “tunnel vision.” Lol.

Love and light.

Flying Home

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunset

I woke unsettled on my last morning here.  My plane leaves at 10:45.  I am usually unsettled when I travel, so I’m not surprised.  I think there’s something just non-sensical about flying from Sarasota FL to Chicago IL to Hartford CT in 7 hours in a large heavy metal container with 300 other people.  I don’t understand the physics of it, but I accept that they are.  Yet, I think somewhere deep inside, there is a primal scream, lol, saying “It’s not possible!!”

That being said, I have learned to sleep on a plane quite easily, or read, and I don’t get nervous.  I know there is a logical reason.

I once had to fly from Connecticut to Texas, to the funeral of my beautiful niece, who was killed in a car accident while visiting Australia.  She was 24.  Brilliant, valedictorian of her class, spiritual, funny, OMG, so funny.  And beautiful.  She was the star of our family, the 2nd of my younger sister’s 5 children. She was, without a doubt, an old soul.  We all knew it, her wisdom was far beyond her years.

I flew by myself to Chicago, where I met up with my older sister, brother-in-law and my mother, and we flew together to Dallas.  On the first leg, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sad in my life.  My marriage was breaking up, I was broke, (my older sis paid my plane fare),  and now I had to face saying goodbye to one of the really most beautiful people I’d ever had in my life.  We had a special bond, she and I.  Everyone remarked on it.

So, I was looking out the window of the plane.  We  flew above clouds that whole trip, so it was blue sky above, and white clouds below.  Staring out the window, thinking, trying not to cry the whole time. Wondering why this had to happen, why we had to lose her when everything else was already falling apart.  Suddenly I saw the shadow of the plane, perfectly, on the clouds.  And then I realized the shadow had a rainbow aura all the way around it.  It followed us all the way to Chicago, for 1100 miles.

It was one of those signs.  I was suddenly not alone, and there was promise.  I think now, it was my niece’s way of comforting me, of helping me to get through that sad lonely flight.  It was a sign that she was ok, she was around.

I’ve had many times that I’ve felt her energy around me since.  Many unique experiences that have let me know she is close by.

I don’t know why I went here this morning, except I am flying to Chicago to get home, which makes no sense to me, but it’s no different than flying to Detroit, to get home on another trip.  So far out of the way, but it’s how they do things in that crazy business.

Today I’m flying back to my present life, while I’ve spent the last week beginning to prepare for the future in a big way.  I think I’ll be glad to be back to my routine.  I’ll be glad to see my son, my cat, sleep in my own bed.  I’m going to have to continue the work I’ve done down here in preparing for a move.

The realtor has not gotten back to me since Sunday, I’ve left voicemail, email, and texts with her.  She was getting back to me within minutes up until Sunday night when I had some questions about the way a contract needed to be written.  Not sure what’s up with that, but if I don’t hear from her today, I’ll call the listing agent on the house, and cut her out of the loop.  I’ll meet with my realtor at home next week, finish getting the house ready to put on the market, get the pictures taken, get it listed by the end of the month.

I do know if the house I like doesn’t become mine, it’s because the Universe has something better in mind for me. Just staying in the flow, taking one thing at a time as it presents itself.  Looking at the entire process at once can terrify me, it seems like such a huge undertaking for a single 65 year old woman.

My thoughts of S are far from where they were at the beach yesterday.  I’m not feeling badly about him at the moment, just not feeling much at all.  He still can get on my mind, but I think that the walk on the beach was very instrumental in the letting go process.  Not feeling an attachment at the moment, and that’s a good thing.  Making room for new things, letting go of those things which don’t bring me any happiness, or add to my life in any way except negatively.

My sis and I drove down at the last minute last night to see the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico.  There apparently wasn’t one, lol.  There were clouds all through the horizon, covering the sun on it’s way west.  But still I got the picture above, which was kind of mystically cool, as it was hazy, and tinted light pink anyway.  I think the ocean is just good subject matter, lol.  It is such a metaphor for our emotions. I hope you all enjoy it.

Life is good.  I’ll be back tonight, from the comfort of my family room at home.

Love and light, all.

Sacred Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.

I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.

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Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.

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It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.

I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest.  I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down.  I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.

I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.

I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.

It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.

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Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.

Sunrise Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I walked out the door at 6:30 this morning to go to the town dock, about a half a block from my sister’s house to watch the sunrise.  I’d only been up a bit, but I could see the sky turning pink over that way, so got dressed, made coffee and off I went.

There was a southeast breeze blowing off the water, and about 65°F, so I was glad I put a light sweater on.  Sunrise was supposed to be 6:45, and normally there are 4 or 5 people there already by 15 minutes before.  Neighbors, and as much as I’ve been down here, I know quite a few.  However, this morning it was just me.

The pink was already leaving the sky when I got there, but it was still beautiful.  I sat on the bench, and closed by eyes, breathing in the balmy salt air breeze, loving the dawn of a new day.  (I am such a morning person.)  Looking at the boats in the harbor, some on moorings, some anchored out with their dinghies tied to the stern, knowing they were on board, waking up to the rocking of the boat in the gentle waves. I remembered feeling that many many times, and missed it.  There’s nothing like waking up on the water, or going to sleep to that same effect either for that matter.  I used to sleep better on our boat than anywhere else.

I opened my email, there was an email from B.  It was kind, articulate, acknowledging my feelings and relationship with S.  I believe she wants to put all the unkindness away, as I do.  I would have liked S to be the one to stand up and say what B did, but he’s who he is, this is a way for him to get someone else to say it for him, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge personally what he said, and did that was so untrue.  But I’m letting it go.  My life is so moving on and away from all of that.   I have no pangs of regret for it, but it is so clearly not what I want in my life.  I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone like him, never being able to trust him, always having to play detective, always needing to verify everything he told me, and dig out the whole truth.  I wish her luck, I really do, because she has so much of her life invested in him.  It was a lesson, a rung on the ladder of my evolution, to know him and to love him.  And now I continue up the ladder.

So, on the balmy sea breeze, I just let it go.  There will probably be more to let go, but it’s all flowing away easily at the moment.  I’ve learned what I needed to learn.  I’m glad I did what I did in January, to complete that lesson.  It was good for me, and caused no pain for me, because I never got reattached.  I saw reality.  I think too, that in the end, it was good for B too, to see the way he actually is, that he could say one thing to her, making her believe he was in so much pain, and actually running to another woman’s bed instead of dealing with the behavior that broke her heart in to a million pieces. For me, seeing that reality makes it easier to let go. I can only hope when her heart is put back together, it is stronger than it was.

As soon as I was done responding to her, a man came and sat down on the other bench with his cup of coffee, and struck up a conversation.  He had an Irish type of brogue, I asked him where he was from (because most people you meet here are not from here, lol.)  He was from Thunder Bay Canada.  I have met so many Canadian people between last night at the art show and now him. Like maybe 4 or 5 new people, friends of my sis, all from Canada.  We talked a bit, about the area, and the mornings, and the sunrise.  A very nice man.  We walked back down the dock in conversation, and I found out he’s renting the upper floor of the house across the street from my sis’s house.  He’s been renting it for 6 or 7 years now in the winter.  We joked about why everyone in the world isn’t in Florida for the winter, lol.  I said, well I soon hope to be.  He asked about winter in CT, and I told him about the 4 ft of snow we got one night 2 years ago, lol.  We agreed that the sunrise is a perfect way to start the day.

It was so pleasant, just to have a normal conversation with a man on my own.  Kind of like a gift from the Universe, saying see what will happen when you have let all that other stuff flow out of you, and away on the breeze?  Feeling so much like this place is exactly where I need to be.

So, I’m posting a couple pics of the sunrise. The one at the top was just before.  The one at the bottom is just after.  It was just an average, maybe even below average, but still just lovely.  Love and light all.

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