Category Archives: Relationships

Dreaming the Night Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

tunnel

I had a couple of weird dreams last night. I think more than a couple, but two are all I can remember enough to look them up on dreammoods.

Both about driving.

The first, I was driving down what I think was the road Scott lives on. I was looking for a cross street, to get to his house, even though he lives in reality right on the road, and I don’t need a cross street to get there. At any rate, I couldn’t find the cross street, and kept driving and driving. Here’s what dreammoods says:

Driving: To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life.

Road: To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or  bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that  you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.

If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned.

Search: To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem. 

The road was smooth, a typical New England road, really his road, bordered by trees, woodlands, rural homes, farms, some large gentle curves, but not windy, a few easy hills, but you can’t find a road here that has no hills. It wasn’t narrow either. It was his road which is a state highway, one lane in each direction.

Since I was searching for his cross street, his intersection, I would guess I was looking for him in my life. Since I couldn’t find it, I think it must say that our lives are not intersecting at this point. I continued to look, for that intersection of our energies, our life paths. I knew where to look, but it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t give up. Right now, I don’t think that to keep looking is a healthy thing to do. However, considering my belief that we are so connected at the soul level, I have a feeling part of me will always be looking for the guy I knew and loved, which is completely not the guy he is manifesting right now. So, I couldn’t find him, or his intersection in my dream.

It would behoove me to just stop looking now, and focus on my own path. To just keep rising. Never say never, but for the time being, we won’t intersect. I guess it’s good that I just kept driving, down the typical easy road.

The second dream was driving also. I was driving my regular route to work. The highway became a single lane tunnel. As I approached the end of the tunnel a police car with the lights on came driving toward me, and blocked the lane out of the tunnel. The officer motioned for me to back up. Not to turn around and go back, but for me and those behind me, to back up the length of the tunnel. I woke up, with the car stopped, I remember thinking in the dream “Is this guy crazy? He wants me to back up, in reverse, all the length of this tunnel?” Which is exactly how I would react in life, I would have gotten out of the car and said, “how about you let me turn around?” I didn’t do it, in the dream.

So we already know what driving means.

Tunnel: To see a tunnel in your dream represents the vagina, womb, and birth. Thus it may refer to a need for security and nurturance.

To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase “tunnel vision”. Are you being close minded or narrow minded in some issue?

To see the light at the end of a tunnel symbolizes hope. You will navigate through life and all its difficulties with great success. Alternatively, it also indicates the end of your journey and the realization of your goals.

Police car: To see a police car in your dream indicates that help is on the way for you. You are experiencing some inner turmoil and need intervention.

Police: To see the police in your dream symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.

Driving backwards: To dream that you are driving a car in reverse suggests that you are experiencing major setbacks in your goals. In particular, if you drive in reverse into a pool of water, then it means that you emotions are literally holding you back.

So, again, it’s about my life’s path. I think I can buy that I’m seeking and opening to a new awareness of many things in my life. And, at the same time, have had some tunnel vision in regards to him. The tunnel ended, there was light, and I had hope. The need for nurturing ties in exactly to what the medium told me, about my grief. Security? Idk, I don’t really feel insecure. Yes the move is a big overwhelming thing to do, but I don’t feel insecure about it, or myself. So I’d say it’s the nurturing thing, for sure.

Then the power and authority and control represented by the police in the dream, tried to stop me, from getting to the light. What’s interesting is that whatever force or energy was represented by the police stopping me, and I can pretty easily guess what energy that was, wanted me to go backward, to experience a major setback, to not get to the light. Honestly, I was wondering earlier this week about that, he was on my mind so much. However, rather than allow it myself to go backward, I woke up. I hate to do things twice, lol.

I was almost out of the tunnel. Which says to me, I was making, have been making real progress. Maybe I just need to be very vigilant I don’t allow myself to go backward, to the place I was. Maybe the police officer was a warning to me. Because the police car itself, symbolizes help is on the way.

Which must be my friends here, lol. Helping me through the strong pull of the energetic connection this week.

Thank you my sweet friends. Would love to hear any additional thoughts. I do have a little “tunnel vision.” Lol.

Love and light.

Sunrise Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I walked out the door at 6:30 this morning to go to the town dock, about a half a block from my sister’s house to watch the sunrise.  I’d only been up a bit, but I could see the sky turning pink over that way, so got dressed, made coffee and off I went.

There was a southeast breeze blowing off the water, and about 65°F, so I was glad I put a light sweater on.  Sunrise was supposed to be 6:45, and normally there are 4 or 5 people there already by 15 minutes before.  Neighbors, and as much as I’ve been down here, I know quite a few.  However, this morning it was just me.

The pink was already leaving the sky when I got there, but it was still beautiful.  I sat on the bench, and closed by eyes, breathing in the balmy salt air breeze, loving the dawn of a new day.  (I am such a morning person.)  Looking at the boats in the harbor, some on moorings, some anchored out with their dinghies tied to the stern, knowing they were on board, waking up to the rocking of the boat in the gentle waves. I remembered feeling that many many times, and missed it.  There’s nothing like waking up on the water, or going to sleep to that same effect either for that matter.  I used to sleep better on our boat than anywhere else.

I opened my email, there was an email from B.  It was kind, articulate, acknowledging my feelings and relationship with S.  I believe she wants to put all the unkindness away, as I do.  I would have liked S to be the one to stand up and say what B did, but he’s who he is, this is a way for him to get someone else to say it for him, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge personally what he said, and did that was so untrue.  But I’m letting it go.  My life is so moving on and away from all of that.   I have no pangs of regret for it, but it is so clearly not what I want in my life.  I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone like him, never being able to trust him, always having to play detective, always needing to verify everything he told me, and dig out the whole truth.  I wish her luck, I really do, because she has so much of her life invested in him.  It was a lesson, a rung on the ladder of my evolution, to know him and to love him.  And now I continue up the ladder.

So, on the balmy sea breeze, I just let it go.  There will probably be more to let go, but it’s all flowing away easily at the moment.  I’ve learned what I needed to learn.  I’m glad I did what I did in January, to complete that lesson.  It was good for me, and caused no pain for me, because I never got reattached.  I saw reality.  I think too, that in the end, it was good for B too, to see the way he actually is, that he could say one thing to her, making her believe he was in so much pain, and actually running to another woman’s bed instead of dealing with the behavior that broke her heart in to a million pieces. For me, seeing that reality makes it easier to let go. I can only hope when her heart is put back together, it is stronger than it was.

As soon as I was done responding to her, a man came and sat down on the other bench with his cup of coffee, and struck up a conversation.  He had an Irish type of brogue, I asked him where he was from (because most people you meet here are not from here, lol.)  He was from Thunder Bay Canada.  I have met so many Canadian people between last night at the art show and now him. Like maybe 4 or 5 new people, friends of my sis, all from Canada.  We talked a bit, about the area, and the mornings, and the sunrise.  A very nice man.  We walked back down the dock in conversation, and I found out he’s renting the upper floor of the house across the street from my sis’s house.  He’s been renting it for 6 or 7 years now in the winter.  We joked about why everyone in the world isn’t in Florida for the winter, lol.  I said, well I soon hope to be.  He asked about winter in CT, and I told him about the 4 ft of snow we got one night 2 years ago, lol.  We agreed that the sunrise is a perfect way to start the day.

It was so pleasant, just to have a normal conversation with a man on my own.  Kind of like a gift from the Universe, saying see what will happen when you have let all that other stuff flow out of you, and away on the breeze?  Feeling so much like this place is exactly where I need to be.

So, I’m posting a couple pics of the sunrise. The one at the top was just before.  The one at the bottom is just after.  It was just an average, maybe even below average, but still just lovely.  Love and light all.

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Gratitude and Release

Posted on by learning to live like water

thankful

I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.

 

Leaning In

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I’m a little fuzzy this morning, ever so slightly hung over from staying out and having that one more glass of wine last night. We had a nice time. The restaurant had a blues band playing, complete with a keyboard player, a couple of saxophones, two guitars, a drummer. They were good! We sat at the bar, talked to a guy who was a retired attorney for awhile. Nice guy, but obviously still angry at his wife for custody issues when he got divorced, and his kids are adults with kids of their own. Talk about holding on to something.  He was my age, but I think his interest was in my 50 yr old friend, lol. Whatever, we had a nice time. It’s always nice to get out.

My friend and I are in sync with our relationships, both of us having ended one in which we were passionately in love. We can relate. When I got home I was actually missing S, and in my weakened, too much alcohol state, it was all I could do not to text him. I wrote about it instead, but chose not to publish it. I figured I might feel different when I woke this morning. And I do. It was a wave, it wasn’t a permanent state of being. A week ago I never thought I’d ever miss him, lol. And today, I don’t miss him, not that way. I’m pretty sure yesterday’s work on understanding what was going on was just stuff that came up with the help of the gongs, that needed to be sat with, so it could dissipate. It seems to be where I am today. Learning to lean into the discomfort, and deal with it.

This is why I go to the gongs. They facilitate going deep enough, gently enough, in a safe, supportive environment, to allow the stuff that we need to let go of, show up, so we can let it go. The stuff we bury doesn’t die. We have to deal with it, in a healthy way, that is sometimes painful for the moment, but leaves you free to move forward. So yesterday was a kind of rough day, but totally worth it and it ended well.

It was so warm yesterday, so spring like! Almost 60, after being below 0 just a week ago. It was nice to go out and not have to dress in so many layers. Today promises to be the same. It’s bright and sunny out. Such a nice break from winter.

The friend I was out with is the friend who knows someone who might want my house. She told me last night they are very interested, and will probably want to see the house in the next couple of weeks. Which means, I have to continue the deep cleaning I started last week. I took a bunch of pics yesterday of the outside of the house, and my living room, and sent them to my friend. This would be so amazing if it worked. If it gets to the point of them wanting to see the house, I’ll have to get one of those “For Sale By Owner” kits, lol. I’m beginning to think the Universe thinks I need to get moved ASAP, lol!

Well, the coffee pot is on, I’m on my second cup. I need to shake the fog out of my head so I can get some productive work done on the house today. Maybe a couple ibuprofen would help, lol. I started the kitchen yesterday, but have a lot more to do.

I also want to do some cooking today. Making BBQ beef in my crock pot, and I’ve been dying for cheddar cheese cauliflower sausage soup. That will give me left overs for the week.

It’s amazing though to me, that with all this stuff to do, and with a slight hangover, I am motivated to get it done. Feel like I’m picking up speed on the walking away thing.

Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

Requests to the Universe

Posted on by learning to live like water

Daylight broke, and I didn’t wake until it was creeping tentatively through the edges of my windows around the shades.  It was lovely to sleep a little late, and have slept well.  When I got home from the gongs, and finished writing, I was just bone tired.  I think I let go of a lot last night, I let a lot of stuff that I don’t even realize or recognize, come up and begin to make it’s way out.  I felt kind of the way you feel after a really good cry, but I didn’t cry.  I only knew what I had to do to move on with my life, and did what I could to facilitate it.

Today I have no anger, at least at the moment, nor any great love.  Not really any over whelming emotion if I think about the events of the 6 weeks.  I have not heard from S since his voice mail wondering why I was so angry.  That’s a good thing.  I’m grateful for his reticence.

I’m looking forward to a calm productive weekend.  My friend, who knows someone who might want my house, texted me yesterday and said her friend is definitely interested!!  She asked me to send her any pics of the house I have.  I had none on my phone, but will take some if I can this weekend.  I may have some on this computer, but really…don’t often take pics of the house!  LOL.

I have been asking the universe to let me sell my house quickly and easily now for months.  Well, it can’t get much easier than this, if it works out!  I’m not banking on it, but the fact is there is a possibility!  When I bought the house, I had a picture in my head of the house I wanted, and this house fit the picture perfectly.  I also have a pic of the house I want in Florida, so I’m hoping and believing I will find it.

I guess that’s what I need to do with love, lol.  Ask the universe for the man I want, and need.  Picture in my mind someone actually capable of a great love, someone who knows how to build trust, and give of themselves.  Someone who can be as passionate as I can be.  I gotta believe he’s out there, and the universe will put him in my path.

I love Van Morrison.  I have a ton of his music on my phone.  I have to say, that my favorite of his songs is probably “Someone Like You”.  Which might make it my favorite song ever, lol.   I used to think, back before it all began to fall apart, that was S for me.  That thought, obviously, was so wrong.  I wasn’t ready for the man I will eventually find. I was unable to believe S when he told me who he was, literally, and he was most certainly the guy he said he was.  At least, that’s the one that manifested.  Regardless of the fact that I could see through it, and always saw the beautiful soul that he denied.  But the point is, now I hear the song and think, “Someone like you” is still out there, walking toward me as I walk toward him.

If you don’t know the song, here’s a link, with the lyrics.  This morning it makes me hopeful  Have a wonderful day.  Life is good.

The Evolution of the End

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been writing so much in the mornings lately that I haven’t had time to do my meditation, and I think I’m feeling it.  It’s such a good way to start the day, to become centered and grounded.  To step back and just let myself be.

This morning seems to be full of promise.  Letting out the “I Wonder” emotions last night seemed to be a clearing, cleansing experience, to put that energy out to the universe.  He is who he is, I don’t think there will ever be a significant change, in his default setting.  I’m sorry for him, that he feels the need to blame me, or anyone else, for the decisions he makes.  And then to run away, to silence…IDK.  It’s all the way it’s supposed to be though.  It’s easier to move on when we don’t talk, and that’s what he wants me to do, apparently, and that’s what I want to do.

It’s all about trust, really.  And the marble jar is empty.  He put in a few marbles, and dumped them out.  I think for me, I need to cap the jar and not even make it accessible. He’s not looking to build my trust, but the thing is…either you are trustworthy or not.  Not with just me, but with everyone.  And he’s not.  He’s just not.

It’s good to see him as he is, it makes it easier to continue moving away from the old, into the life I want.  In the words of Fleetwood Mac, (Silver Spring) “I began not to love you. Turn around and see me running.  I’ll say I loved you years ago, Tell myself you never loved me, no….”  Because  I did, and he didn’t, and I’m running.

I hope she can run too, or at least walk.  I don’t see a change ever happening.  Because it has to happen across the board.  He can’t recreate himself for her, and be someone else the rest of the time.

Life is good.  Spring is 33 days away.  🙂  Gotta get my muffler fixed, now that my wiper blades work.  Things to do, places to go, people to meet.

Onward.

An Apology

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sorry

For two days, I have been unsettled.  I knew why but didn’t want to write it here, because I also felt he was reading the blog again.  But I knew it was him, I knew I was feeling his upset, his angst.  It was mixed with Maggie, but last night I even messaged a friend telling her, what it was.  I was pretty sure I was going to hear from him, and after 2 months of silence, I did today.  It still freaked me out.  I do much better when I don’t hear from him.  It’s easier to move on when I can pretend he’s dead.

At any rate, he wanted to talk.  I thought he meant on the phone, but he meant face to face. I asked why, not wanting to find myself hanging from a limb again, and hoping I wouldn’t find myself face down in the dirt once more.  He asked if I was already blogging this, and quoted a reply I’d made to a comment not a half hour before.  I said, if you’re back with Betty, a phone call would suffice. 

We texted, as usual.  We didn’t meet, which I didn’t really want to do.  He called me, I ended up screaming at him, because he can’t be accountable.  He says what can I do now?  For either she or I.  I said a heartfelt apology with no “but but but’s”would be a start.  Change.  Be the man I always saw. 

As with all our conversations, it came to no good end.  We are mirrors of each other, just like his poem, each defines what the other is not. It was the typical push pull conversation.  Push pull push pull.  The complete story of Scott and I.

I never dreamed that Betty would keep reading the blog.  I assumed that she was not, that she’d found out what she needed to know, and would stop reading.  I didn’t mean to expose her to pain, as I tried to deal with my own.  So the rest of this blog is to apologize.

I’m sorry Betty, honest to God.  I never meant to add to your pain.  It was never my intention.  I felt I had to tell you what he had been doing, and tell you the whole truth.  I could not be party to another lie falling out of Scott’s mouth onto my head or yours.  The weight of the lies was breaking me.  I told Scott I hoped if it had been you that discovered the deception, that you would have told me,and that I would have wanted the details, I would have wanted a complete picture of what was going on. I was sure he would minimize our relationship to you, and while it wasn’t like yours with him, it was something.  There was something. I adored him, what he felt for me I really don’t know.  Something.

I didn’t put details of our relationship in this blog to hurt you.  The very last thing I want to do is to make someone feel as badly as I do.  That was me, trying to make sense of my life, trying to work through all these things we did that apparently meant nothing to him, or not much.  It was me, working through it.  That’s why I write, like I said in my letter.  It keeps me sane.  Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I miss him so much I’m crying, sometimes I’m so angry at him.  And sometimes, I just wish we were friends, because he could make me laugh like no one else. And sometimes, I never want to hear his name again. 

So, it all comes out in the printed word.  It’s all here, but it was put here because this is what I do.  It wasn’t EVER meant to hurt you, it was never about revenge for my broken heart.  Writing is like breathing for me, I just have to do it when something is on my mind.

I wonder how he would have felt if you denied him to everyone.

I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes. 

 I don’t understand for a moment why he lied to me about you, and said you had cheated on him and gotten married.  I have no idea what the motivation was there.  He lied just to lie, because he could.  My ex husband did that, though never about other women.  He just loved being able to make someone believe something that wasn’t true. 

I know he thinks he loves you.  He calls you his best friend, and I have no doubt you were his best friend.  Too bad he couldn’t be a best friend back.  He wants me to feel guilty that you will never talk to him again.  I keep telling him, that he owns 100% of this fiasco.  No one else, but really least of all you.  I feel like I did the right thing, like I was the unlucky one of us that figured it out.  When he told me he’d never forgive me, I said, “Why would I care if you forgave me?  It’s me, whether I could forgive myself for not telling you.”  I told him, after I stopped seeing him, but before I knew you’d been with him the whole time, that I’d seen a picture of you on FB and that you looked like such a nice woman, and that I thought you just wanted to love him and be loved back, and why doesn’t he just try to do right by you. 

By the way, my friend who said you looked weathered, after I told her I thought you were really pretty, was just trying to make me feel better, I’m sure.  You’re beautiful.  Honestly.  If I’d thought you were reading this, I wouldn’t have mentioned it.  My friend just could see my pain, and thought it would help me.  I realize it was shallow of me, but it did somehow make me feel less 2nd best for her to say that.  I’m sorry.  It was wrong to publish that. Please pay no attention to it, it was just an attempt on my friends part to make me feel better.

I’m just sorry, for all of this.  I know I was the heavy here, and I can handle that, because to be otherwise would have asked me to be his accomplice.  But I never wanted to hurt you, I was never looking for revenge through this blog or the letter I sent you.  I have only tried to work through my own stuff.  I’ve never tried to crush you (Scott’s words).  I’ve never wanted to add to your pain.  I wish we could be friends. Really.  You have my contact information.  I’d be happy to har from you.

He says I’m obsessed, well maybe I am.  I think I’d be fine now, if he just didn’t lie so much, it makes me question everything, as I’ve written here enough.  I told him, I’ve come away with precious little from this, so I’d like to hold on to what little I have.  Whether or not it’s accurate in his mind, I don’t really care.  I do think that he has a knack for re-writing history.  I keep saying I don’t want to write any more about him, but then I remember something else, I need to find a place for it.  But I’m sorry, so sorry, if my words added to the pain he gave you. 

He told me you were angry at how he treated me.  I want to thank you for that, for your empathy, but mostly for your recognition that I really loved that man.  Hearing that relieved me, that maybe you don’t hate me, and you might understand where I’m coming from.

It’s amazing how much destruction can follow one man around.  Just unbelievable.  Just lay waste to peoples lives and hearts, to feed his own ego.

I have a date tomorrow.  I hope it turns out to be someone who can make me forget him.  I hope you are able to get past this soon, and move on with your life too.  I wish you the very best, all good things, and no more liars in your life. You’re beautiful Betty.  Scott’s an idiot for what he did to you.  I’ve called him an emotional adolescent and I stand by that.  If he could own it, there might be hope for him. 

With Love and sincere heartfelt remorse for adding to your pain, Deb

 

 

Let It Bubble Up, and Float Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

BubblesFor some reason I am a little unsettled this morning.  Partly because Maggie is not herself, and I shouldn’t expect her to be, but I’m waiting for her to be her old self.

Partly it is from being nervous about my lunch date Saturday.  Nervous-excited, but nervous.  I will have to explain pretty early about selling my house and moving.  I live in the present, and I just feel if I get attached to someone before I go, that it will work itself out.   For example we could have a Florida and a Connecticut house if we don’t want to be apart. So it doesn’t worry me, but it might put someone else off.  I remember Scott even asking what will we do when you move?  I just kept saying, are you going to work forever?  Would you not want to come see me in Florida?  Couldn’t I come see you?  And in between we could have our time alone?  He always seemed to be ok with that thought.  He even brought it up after he was seeing Betty, before I knew.   Why, I don’t know, now, probably just part of the elaborate ruse he was creating.  I do think that the two relationships were separate in his head.  I think he was able to shut one of us out when he was with the other.  So it may have been an honest question at the time.   Whatever.

I think that it can work out, that’s all.  I trust the universe to make happen what needs to happen.

Maybe part of the nervousness is my concern over diving into a relationship like I did with Scott.  Feet first, not checking the depth of the water.  Setting myself up for the kill.   I just have to be true to myself.  I have to be present, and mindful, and not give myself away.  Mostly to remember that trust has to be earned, and to filter my feelings through the BRAVING anagram.  I will say, that this new man, just in conversation, seems to be real, he’s earned a few small marbles for my marble jar already.  Those small, insignificant moments….what else is there when you have only talked and not met even.  The conversation seems to flow, he takes an interest, it’s not all about him.  That’s worth a marble or two, lol.

The gongs will be good for me tonight, just to allow me to center and ground myself.  Let whatever is causing me to be unsettled to come up, and to go.  I’m reading The Untethered Soul by Mark Singer, and he talks a lot about not resisting what comes up.  To let it just pass through.  If it’s pain, it won’t last, and he’s right, it never does.  I knew this before I read the book.  I’ve always known that the way through pain is to allow yourself to feel it, for as long as you need to until you just don’t feel it anymore.  It’s why I could tell Scott, this will hurt but I’ll get over it.  I know what to do, I have the practice as part of my daily life.

Off to another day of work.  And the gongs.  See you on the flip side.

 

 

Thoughts on Compassion

Posted on by learning to live like water

thich nhat hanh compassion quotes

It seems that winter has hit the northeast USA today.  It is cold, but not unseasonably so.  It’s just hovering around freezing.  But that’s the problem, it’s precipitating, and it’s sleet, not snow.  Frozen pellets falling from the sky.

Thankfully, I don’t have to work.  Thankfully it’s supposed to change to rain by late morning.  However, I had a dental appointment at 8 AM for a crown, which I just canceled.  To get there I have to drive over a huge hill, in some places it would be called a small mountain.  And there are accidents galore on the highways this morning.  I’m guessing that getting out of my driveway would be challenging.  So, now I have to wait to get this crown done.  I hope the tooth does not fall apart in the meantime.

I still am waiting to hear from the vet for an appointment for Maggie.  I called them late last evening, so I’m guessing they will call back this morning.

So, I’m home for the morning anyway.  I think I may make some jewelry.  I have so many lovely stones I can wire-wrap.  I need to use that part of my brain for awhile.  It will refresh my outlook on things.  Give me some perspective. 

Tomorrow I’m going to see Joy  with Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Robert DeNiro with a few of my friends, and get a bite to eat.  Looking forward to it.  Although, I may have to take Maggie to the vet tomorrow also.  If I don’t get an appointment tomorrow, I’ll have to wait til next week, I doubt that it would get done New Year’s Eve. 

I did a guided meditation on Forgiveness this morning.  I chose that one, because I felt I was slipping backwards a bit.  I know from the experience with my ex-husband that the only way I can move forward and truly let go of the past is to forgive.  I see my ex now as the flawed damaged person he is, who is still seeking the unconditional love, though he doesn’t believe in it, and in his damaged psyche, doesn’t believe he deserves it.  Which is how, in my heart, I see Scott too. 

I know too much about both men, I know what their lives were like as children, I know the struggles they went through.  I know my ex’s from experience, from almost 40 years of living with his extended family and seeing the dysfunction in action.  I know Scott’s experience from what he told me.  I believe it to be true, because his actions, and his relationships with his sister and his mother bear the stories out. 

When I know this, and see this, I have to feel compassion.  I don’t have to feel love in the way that I did, I don’t have to want to be with them, but I have to feel compassion.  I am just more comfortable that way. 

I believed with Scott that if I loved him unconditionally, as he had never been, it would eventually bring him around.  That was my Pollyanna side, because one person’s unconditional love for that time was not going to be enough to undo years of conditioning.  It was my naivete.  I was coming off of the power it had to give my son strength, but my son had my unconditional love for his whole life, and had a frame of reference.  Scott had none, and so, had no reason to believe that it was real, that I was not just naive and stupid.  In hindsight, he had affection for me, but it was very mixed with his own self-centered self-absorbed desires, and needs.  He is a typical child of an abusive dysfunctional household. 

My ex’s childhood was similar, with different twists.  I know first hand how verbally and emotionally abusive his father could be, because I worked for him for 20 years, before we bought the business, and he visited it upon me a few times. I also know how his mother passively endorsed the abuse, while professing love for her children. It was not until I left that marriage that I learned about abuse, that I even realized there was a name for what I lived through.  I found an online community of over 8000 members, and I remember reading their posts, thinking “Oh My God!  There are OTHER people who have lived with this!  There’s  NAME for what he did to me!”  I remained very active in that community for at least 5 years.  I went in naive, I came out with an education.  The friends I made there are still some of my closest friends.  We still call on each other as our children deal with the repercussions of abuse.

Combine this education, with embarking on a spiritual path, to regain my sense of self, to rediscover who I was when I left my marriage.  Because when you live with abuse, you end up spending 24/7 just trying to keep the peace.  Just trying to stay a step ahead of the abuser, to protect yourself and your kids.  You try to become what they want, so they will be happy.  Of course, they always change what they want, the minute you achieve it, so that you never know what’s going to come at you.  A true honest mind-fuck of the first degree.

I began to recognize the same pattern with Scott, with his push pull game.  The same thing, in a different form. Which is why I kept trying to break up with him, but was unable to let go.  Until, it’s all I could do to save myself.

I cleansed my pendulums this morning with white sage and asked some very pointed questions.  I got what I believe are real answers, and I’m going to try to follow the path that they put me on. They were questions and answers about dealing with these issues with compassion.  Both men and the issues still come into my head way too much, and I don’t want to fear them, I don’t want to hate them, I don’t want to feel angry. 

There was something for me to learn in both situations, and I think, something for me to teach.  If the student refuses the lesson, that’s not my problem.  I think I’ve learned mine.  I’m open to them, and to any that are still hanging out there for me to learn.

I sense that my ex has been humbled.  Not completely, but he is sounding more like he’s reaching out, that he misses having some communication with someone who knows him.  That’s a good thing.  I won’t get caught in his web again, but it’s possible that now that he’s lost everything, and I mean everything….he can be a little vulnerable, because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I’m not jumping in, but neither will I be afraid to communicate with him.

Scott, I don’t sense much from.  I think he’s closed whatever small opening he had in his heart that would have allowed love to enter and to extend from him.  I do sense though, that perhaps he’s doing what I suggested, and taking some time to re-evaluate the way he lives.  He’s not doing this because I suggested it, he’s doing it because in his mind he’s lost everything too.  He’s heading into his final years, when he should be retiring, and enjoying life with people he loves, but he’s all alone.  His ploy to keep people in his life based on deception didn’t work.  So I hope he’s going to go within, and try to find his own light.  I still can see that soul, I still can see his light. I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my feelings for him:  love, hate, anger, compassion, longing, repulsion….. 

At the end of the day, I have to go with compassion, because it’s my comfort zone.  It’s what I believe in my heart to be the only way to move forward.  My pendulums seem to concur with that. 

One thing I learned in the abuse community was that hurt people hurt people.  I am no exception.  When each of these men hurt me, I hurt them back.  My words with Scott, while true….were scathing. My actions with my ex, while necessary for my survival and my son’s, blindsided him.  I make no apologies, really, because Scott devastated me, I had to release that pain.  My ex was on a quest to steal my soul…my son…my breath.  If I didn’t leave him we both would have died, literally…because the dysfunction was truly affecting our health.  My son would have never seen that there is a different way to live, he would have been doomed to repeat what he did not understand.

Lord, I did not expect this blog to go here.  But it did, and that’s the reason I write mostly.  To work things out, to express things that I am trying to understand, and in the expression to find the understanding.  If you made it this far, thank you. 

Love and light.

 

 

 

Christmas Eve Growing Pains

Posted on by learning to live like water

growing pains

Christmas Eve.  The cooking is done for tonight.  We had a nice meal, but now my son has retreated to his space, and I’m here alone with the tv and my computer.  I miss the old days of being with extended family, having people around.

I called my ex today and told him there was soup and cookies on his doorknob.  He seemed really happy that I thought of him, and that I called.  He got me up to date on his family.  Most of it I knew but I didn’t tell him.  He didn’t sound drunk, so maybe he has stayed off the alcohol.  We had a nice conversation, and that’s a relief.  I called him because I knew if he didn’t go out of the house through that door, he wouldn’t know it was there.  And he didn’t know.  I was glad he called.

I told my son his father was going to call him.  I told him about our nice conversation.  I said, “you know, it would be nice if we were all at least talking before we all move.”  My son nodded, and agreed.  He has not talked to his father in 4 years.  At least.  I think it’s time, really.  He’s been away from his dad for 7 years, I’ve been for 9.

His dad called tonight, while we were eating.  My son didn’t answer it, but said he would call him back tomorrow.  I would be so happy if the relationship with my son and his father improved to the point that they were on speaking terms.  I was going to say was normal, but I think that’s asking a lot.  If my son can talk to his father, at all, without fear or resentment, I would be happy.  That’s a Christmas gift in itself.

While I was writing, my son came up and he and I just had an intimate, hard conversation about moving.  He to Colorado, me to Florida.  He is afraid he won’t have saved enough money to move, and set up a new life there by the time the house sells.  He just told me he is happy here.  He doesn’t want to even move, he would be happier if we were just staying here.  But he knows I can’t stay here and keep the house if I retire.  It’s just too expensive to live here.  But we came up with a plan, I assured him I would work with him.  But it’s up to him to make a plan he can live with, and then work the plan.

He feels better.  It’s overwhelming to him, he’s only lived in this small New England town his whole life.  Growing pains.  He’s kind of been living in between being totally on his own and being taken care of by a parent.  He’s talking about embarking on his own life, and he’s overwhelmed by it.  But he’ll be fine.

I have to say, we have been happy here.  Living here has been a hard won dream come true.  This is the place where we healed from the years of abuse.  The end of this segment of our lives is going to bring big changes to us both.  They will be good changes, but changes nonetheless.

Seems like a lot of growing pains this Christmas.  My son, and his life.  His and my relationship with his father.  Me with letting go of those things that have not served me well this past year, the things that have drained me, and given nothing back.  Over the next week, I want to fully let these things go,  and focus my attention where it will move me forward in my dreams, and bring me joy.

Still, I am so blessed this Christmas.  So much to be grateful for.  And I am.  More than I can say.

Merry Christmas, everyone.