Tag Archives: anger’

Unwelcome Solitude

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

feelings

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I was tired, I did my normal things, I shut my light out and expected to go off.  But an hour later I lay there, wide awake.

Maybe part of it was that Addie had a date last night.  I am not, was not jealous.  In fact, I am happy for him, because he deserves to find someone who can fall in love with him and I know it’s not me.  But I missed our nightly conversation, I missed him saying goodnight….

But the thing was that I just felt alone.  Really, bone chilling, heart wrenching alone. Sometimes I am happy that way, in fact, most of the time, I’m just fine with it.  But last night, I was just sick of it. Sick of walking through this life alone, sick of being so responsible for everything.  Like the house….it is sometimes overwhelming to think about getting it in shape to sell, and even moreso to think about packing up and moving a long way away.  But I’m going to do it.  Just wish I didn’t have to do everything, every single thing alone.

I even got mad at Scott again, I wrote a poem that started out, “Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?”  LOL. Actually, writing that helped me finally get to sleep, lol.  But I don’t think I’ll publish it.  I was allowing myself to feel way too sorry for myself, and blaming him for my solitude.  Well, yeah, he is culpable, but not completely.  I chose to love him despite every red flag, even many out of his own mouth.  My mother used to say, “No one can tell you anything…..”. LOL.  Yes, I’m way too independent for my own good at times.

Last night was one of those times.  My independence had me alone, and I wasn’t happy about it.  This morning…I am fine with it, lol.  I have a lot to do today.  Have to get to the store, I have to make cookies to take to a cookie swap, and will be with people I love and who love me tonight.

Feelings pass.  We have to learn to honor them, to let ourselves feel them, and sooner or later, we move on to a different place.  I finally slept, maybe about 5 or 6 hours which is about average anyway.  I have to consciously change my course and open my heart to all the possibilities.  Again.

Just some introspective musings this Saturday morning. Love and light to all.

 

 

Dealing with Grief and Loss from a Relationship

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to the gong meditation tonight.  I picked up my cousin who goes with me, who is going through some family stuff, and she was talking about grief.  I don’t like to talk too much about S anymore, because I don’t feel like I’m grieving him, but she was talking about it generically.  She said, it’s just grief, Deb, it’s a loss.  That’s all, it’s just grief that we have to work through.

During the meditation, what she said was rolling around my head, and my heart.  The gongs and crystal bowls facilitated a very deep meditation.  I thought how can I be grieving HIM, I mean….after what he did to me, how could I grieve him?  Because in all honesty, I don’t think I do any more.  I don’t have that visceral pain that I had for the first 30 or 45 days when I thought of him. The pain that would wake me in the middle of the night sobbing into my pillow. The pain that came out in anguished poems, that made me keep texting him, talking to him, even though I knew he was with her, because I knew he’d egg me on, tell me he missed me, tell me to come see him.    I had no doubt if I’d allowed it, we would have been naked in bed together in no time.  I missed him with ever fiber of my being, and it hurt.

But after 4 or 6 weeks, I had somehow moved out of that pain, it no longer seared my heart to think about him, or him with her even worse.  I did what I had to do to heal myself, and began to move on.  When the depth of the lies and betrayal became known, I just wanted to get away from it all.  And did….have not talked to him since, and I know for a fact I don’t want that in my life.

But every once in awhile I still get an ache, and I can’t imagine why.  But my cousin explained it without trying.  There is loss, there was a part of my life that was full, it was rich for awhile, and now there’s nothing there.  It’s like a hole in my heart that he used to fill, and now he doesn’t, but neither does anything else.

Grief. Loss.  This is what takes the longer time to heal.  The pain and betrayal we can rationalize, we can know it was wrong, that it hurt, we can learn a lesson and go on.  The general grief and loss, the hole that is left empty when you lose someone you loved, I guess has to be filled with something else.  A passion for someone or something else.

I pour it out in my writing, I have been working hard at work, mindfully, to keep my mind busy. I have been talking to friends, reading, trying to fill the space, taking care of my house, trying to love and appreciate the people who are in my life.  But I think it’s a slow go.  That’s the wound that’s hard to heal, it just has to fill with the light, and the light will shrink it til it’s gone, I guess.  But it’s a process.  It will just take time.

So I’ll keep going to the gongs and searching for the light to fill that hole.  Tonight I continued with the Breathe in Love, Breath out Scott.  I also did the Ho’onopono (I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you) to myself, for the hole in my heart put there by choices I made.  I started thinking about all the people I know that have real issues to deal with and started saying it for them.

The gongs crescendo, the tsunami of sound, and I was crying, releasing the tears that I refuse to cry anymore. They weren’t for him, they were for me.

It’s just loss now.  It’s grief and loss for something I had that now I don’t.  I know Scott thinks it’s my fault I feel it, because I insisted he tell her.  But the loss happened long ago, it started over the summer during the weight of lies I was sitting in, it happened the day he told me he was going to be with her, it happened every day that he tried to engage me, after I knew about her and I had to say no.  Then it was covered up with anger, when I found out the depth of his betrayal and deception, and covered up by disgust, when I realized he did it to two of us, juggling our hearts in some cruel game.

But the anger is gone, the pain is gone.  Now there’s just loss to deal with, and to grieve.  I’ll let it come, and I’ll grieve, and I’ll fill my heart with loving people who need it, and want it.  That hole will be filled with gold one day, golden light.

WTF Was I Thinking Yesterday??

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”

Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text.  THAT was the universe watching out for me.  Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good.  Geezus.  It’s closed up tight again in his direction.  Open in all others.

I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer.  And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.

We texted a LOT.  Like every day, morning, noon and night.  Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating.  He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it.  I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity.  I kept that small amount of self-respect.

But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again.  I mean, seriously.  I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face.   I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him.  Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers.  I just went from hating him to pitying him.”  And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.

He’s right, S is to be pitied.  That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her.  When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love.  They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)

So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.

So, ok, I am not angry.  He is his own worst enemy.  I pity him.  But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life.  OMG.  I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe.  To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me.  And that’s a maybe.  He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.

The truth always outs.  I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out.  I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe.  The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.

So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it.  Maybe he got it and ignored it.  Whatever it was, GOOD.  I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him.  I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth.  I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together.  That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her.  (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back.  I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.

He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything.  I just wanted him, but I can want someone else.  Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement.  Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring.  He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.

As for me…I can forgive.  Right now.  I’m not even mad anymore.  But forget?  Invite that lunacy back into my life?  No fucking way.  LOL.  Yes, I feel strongly about it.

Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good.  Blessed, just blessed.

No Illusions Any More

Posted on by learning to live like water

shattered_illusions_of_love_by_rmh7069-d7hi9g6

Thoughts come and go.

Remembering the pain

All through the summer

and into the fall.

Trying to understand

What was happening.

Never getting an answer that made sense.

Til two weeks ago.

Summer wasted

Waiting for you, and you were never going to be there.

You watched my pain

And reveled in it.

Played it,

like the guitar you gave her.

Used my pain,

Used my love,

Used my body

To make yourself feel good.

Anger rushes in

And then it rushes out.

I’m free.

No illusions

About who you were.

Or what you did.

Or what you were trying to do.

No illusions.

No pretty pictures.

No excuses.

Hard cold truth

Set me free.

Someone else can cry over you now

If there’s anyone left.

No illusions

Just hard cold truth.

The hard cold truth is far more beautiful

Than the sloppy, ugly, evil lies that poured out of your mouth.

No illusions.

Just freedom.

The truth has set me free.

As Good As It Gets, for the moment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Mondays I work late, til 7.  I started work at 9.  So, it was another long, busy day.  It’s good, that it’s busy.

But now I’m home.  I’ve eaten leftovers from Sunday, when I usually manage to make a decent meal.  I have a half glass of cabernet beside me, 3 squares of dark chocolate, in my warm fleece jammies, lol.  It’s about as good as I can get it at the moment.

Good, considering I was a little angry about things today, but I wrote the anger off to the still present emotional waves.  When I thought about how cruelly he ended it with me 7 weeks ago, and then wouldn’t let me go, kept calling and texting and leaving me voice mails, asking me to come see him, right up to the moment he was exposed, and then had the unmitigated gall to ask me to lie for him….Geezus.  It just pissed me off.  I mean, really what rock did he crawl out from under?  But I’m over it.  A little rage bubbles up, I consider the source, and honest to God, I have to laugh at someone who is so clueless.  Geezus.

So, now I’m home, in my beautiful home, relaxing, writing, being happy.  A is texting me with his undying love, which from 2000 miles is a soothing.  He has gutted his new home, he’s sent me pics.  He and his son are doing all the work.  A is 69, man, he’s working his ass off physically.

I so didn’t want to be at work today.  I can’t wait to put this house on the market in spring.  I am believing that it will sell by summer.  I just can’t wait to retire, and not work.  Own a home with no mortgage.  I wanted to be writing all day today.  It has become such a passion, to sit down and put my thoughts and emotions to written word.  So healing.

My cousin was reading some of the poetry I’ve written and put up here last night.  She knows what I’ve been through and could feel it in what I wrote.  She said, “Damn, Deb, you are good…”  I told her the only problem is that to write a good poem I apparently need to be tortured, lol. Or crazy in love.  So… lately I’m just tortured.

The love will come, the love will come.  My heart is open, the love will come.

An Ending and a Beginning. They Are the Same Thing.

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s been a good day.  The north wind blew in and it was blustery, probably the first day this season with a wind chill.

In Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert says “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.”  I would have to agree.  Complete chaos ensued from the devastation of my life.  But now, 6 weeks later, I can see the unfolding of a new life for me, with clarity.  I see what I was not getting from that relationship, and how I just accepted it as it was.  Seriously, I was unfulfilled in many ways, and always deferring to his wishes. If I asked for myself, it would only be once, most of the time.  “No” is just too much rejection for a simple request.  I learned to find happiness with what I was given.  For awhile.  Because I loved him so much.  I was always dreaming of the day when he’d want me the way I wanted him.

It was never gonna happen.

Eventually, I wanted out, because I was unhappy.  Most of the summer.  He talked me down, he kept me engaged.  I don’t know why he did.  We rarely saw each other.  What did it matter?   I settled for misery because I loved him.  Time and time again, he pushed me away, til I left and then reeled me back in til he had me.

He should have told me about Betty Boop wanting back into his life.  Or him wanting her.  He just should have been honest with me and let me know the truth.  He knew neither she nor I would share him.  So he lies to her about it, and tries to convince me there’s nothing wrong with it.  He should have told me, and let me walk away with some dignity.  Instead of dealing a crushing blow to me. A blow that left me face down in the dirt, gasping for air, while he danced.

He chose BB because she doesn’t want anymore than his warm body in bed once a week.  And that’s what he wants, someone who asks nothing more of him. Who doesn’t even ask much of him there.  I caused endless problems between us because I was not satisfied with less than.

We have had an uncanny connection, I think more from my end than his.  He used to have it, he would call when I was thinking of him.  I have always been able to feel when things aren’t right with him. The day his friend died.  Different days and nights I wondered if he was ok, and he wasn’t.  Sometimes I knew, and didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to know.  Just the other day, with his health.  I am still concerned with that, I’m not sure that was what I had the intuitive feeling about. Waking up to middle of the night phone calls or texts.  The morning he dropped his bomb on me, I sat there shaking, knowing there was something terrible about to happen.  I even blogged about it, how I was trying to talk myself down.  But my intuition was right.  My world was forever changed that day.

It felt like I would die.  And I was dying.  The me that kept giving in, and giving up, and accepting being treated poorly, and accepted less than I deserved, and so little real fulfillment, did die.  That day, and on the ensuing days.  And now, I have been reborn, transformed as Liz Gilbert says.  I have lost some of my excess weight.  I have done my work, I have looked within to see why I accept less than I want.  I defined what values were important to me.  I have realized that unconditional love has to be extended to ourselves first.  We have to value ourselves first, and only then can we offer anything to anyone else.

I am proud of my ability to show up, to get into the arena and be seen, and dare to love with my whole heart.  I don’t regret for a moment that I loved S.  But now, I won’t accept a one way street again.  What he has with the Boop, I don’t want.  I want connection.  Love.  Happiness.  I loved being in love. I want to be loved back.  This life is too precious to waste it away on trivial sex without connection, on a love that only goes one way, in a relationship that makes you cry as much as laugh.

I want more.

My heart is open to all the endless possibilities.  I am transformed. I am stronger than I ever was.  I am more focused.  I am more sure of myself, and what I want.  I can find and make very happy someone whose happiness will also depend on my being happy.  An energetic circle, where the beginning and ending are blurred, because eventually, they are the same thing.

FB Shocker, a Complete Story of S’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a shocker tonight.  S always said that he didn’t have a FB account, that his employer didn’t allow it, or want it.  I believed him, why not?  I never checked, but tonight, just fooling around, I found him easily. And his girlfriend.  Wow….just another punch to the stomach on how stupid I am, or was, how easily I believed him.  I mean wow, that must have been so much fun, it must have felt so cool to deceive me.  Like it was so hard…like I didn’t love and adore him. \

Your specialty S.  Lies and deception.  How is it even any fun, when it was so easy with me?  When you said there was no challenge with me, I didn’t realize you meant there wasn’t any challenge in deceiving me, in wrapping me up in your lies.  I thought it was because I made sure you knew who I was, and you didn’t have to work at it to find out.

I sent him a friend request.  LOL.

It is very tempting to bring her out of her “ignorant bliss”.  I have all the texts from the week before he dumped me in the trash.  I wonder if she’d like to read them?  He always said she said if he cheated on her that was it.  He freaked out that day when I said I was going to make sure she knew what he was doing all week with me. God it’s tempting.  Really tempting.  He would call me vindictive.  Yeah.  Exactly.  He totally deserves it, and more.

I’m not really interested in further engaging him, (well ok I just sent him a hateful text, well deserved.  But he’s blocked and cannot answer it.) nor am I interested in getting her up-to-date.  Any woman who would do what she did deserves what she gets.  If, and it’s a big if, what he told me about her was true.  I have a feeling the truth was bent and stretched, and that he’s been trying to get her to leave her husband all summer.  In fact, I’m positive he was seeing her all summer.  It’s why I didn’t see him. He wanted to keep us both.  But she didn’t know about me, or at least, not the truth.  She commented on a post he made about his friend dyning back in April.  That’s when their communication started up again, that’s why he began pushing me away then. Not because he was broken up over his friends passing, but because she was back in his life. Here I was running to his side worried about him.   Asshole.  It all makes sense now, but dang, I am really just so stupid.  I am glad though, to have clarity on who he is, what he was doing, and what happened to me.

As I said, I would prefer to just get as far the fuck away from those two low lifes as possible.  She has a dragon fly as her profile picture.  Maybe that’s why I saw one the other day, to warn me.  She’s about a spiritual as the prison whore. Dragonfly my ass.  Greenhead fly, the kind that bites your ass and leaves a bruise.  Whore. Bitch. User.

It kind of makes me sick, to think I was intimate with him, while he was seeing her.  Slimy, like I was with a slimy slug.  Real creepy.  I’m lucky I didn’t get a disease.

Deceitful.  Sick.  Liar.  Liar liar.  I wish his pants could be set on fire.

A week ago he was trying to convince me that he cared for me.  Geezus, I’d hate to see what he’d have done if he didn’t care for me.

Not that it matters now.  I am over him, I’m over our non-fake-self-serving-him relationship, and if I wasn’t quite over it before, to find out he deceived me in this way would have done it anyway.  I mean, why?  But why, is the question with anything he does.  It is all self serving, and designed to make him feel important.  It’s the sign of  someone who has no self esteem whatsoever, and steals it from who ever is stupid enough, or loves him enough, to give it to him.

He’s gonna be nervous now, that I’m going to tell her what he’s been up to with me.  Let him sweat it out.  It would be good for him.  He hated that I was on here, speaking my truth.  Said I was “trashing” him all over the internet.  My God, he deserved 1000 times worse than I ever said about him.  He is the epitome of a filthy dirtbag.  I didn’t know.  He’s a good actor.

God, what a scumbag.

Anyway, I had a lovely day.  I was at my BFF’s for awhile, watching movies and hanging out.  I am waiting for A to get home from working on his house, he wanted to talk to me tonight.  I got a lot done around the house, and did some cooking for this week. I’ve been having a nice conversation with a seemingly nice man, who has family and grandkids, and seems happy to share himself.

Soon, S will just be a pimple on the ass of my memory.  That’s all.  My belief in unconditional love is being sorely tested at the moment.  Can I stay with it?  I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.

The Transormation of the Leaves

Posted on by learning to live like water

In my morning meditation today, I saw my relationship with S like a tree in autumn.  One by one the leaves, the things that made it special, fell off the tree, onto the ground.  The tree is now bare.  The leaves, the things that made it special, lay on the ground, transforming.

Energy can’t be created or destroyed.  What was appears to be no more.  But it exists, in another form.  It becomes something new.  New growth from old decay.  I look for the signs of freshness, having let go of the old dead leaves.  I seek the tenderness of a new bud of love somewhere, that can grow within me and someone else.

I can’t harbor hate and anger, I can’t even feel bad about what was, what has ended.  I can only wish love and light to the old life, and the hope that the transformation is a beautiful thing for all involved.  It will be what it is, it will fit each of us as we allow it, as our level of consciousness allows.

While the leaves of that relationship have been decaying, the buds of another have been forming, deep within another tree, waiting for a new season of the heart to be seen.  It may be that those leaf buds, new and fresh, begin to open, slowly, gracefully, hopefully, as the last dead leaves fall off the old tree.  I think transformation has begun for me.

Namaste.  Namaste.

Shape-Shifter

Posted on by learning to live like water

I realized last night, after I wrote my “angry, vicious” blog, that I don’t even know him any more.  That the man I fell in love with has disappeared.  That man knew who he was, and was the same no matter who he was talking to. He would never have tried to make someone believe he was something different than who he was.

But for her he’s morphed into this quiet kind of ordinary man.  Not the flirty, very sexual, fun man I know.  I can’t stand two faced people, who behave one way with one person and another way with someone else.  Trust me, the woman Jim knows, and A, is the same woman S knew.  I will speak my truth and let everyone know who I am, although now I will speak it more slowly now.  I would never have a relationship with one man where I was flirty and communicative, and spoke directly, and embraced my sexuality and have a silent, reserved relationship with someone else.  How do I know he’s like this with her?  Because they don’t talk all week.  There is no relationship except one day a week.  So he can be whoever he wants all week, and one day a week, he convinces himself he’s what she wants him to be. She will never know that he talked to me, with lust in his heart, all day yesterday.

Way too many games necessary to do that.  Way too much drama necessary.  Way too many lies that have to be kept secret.  So manipulative.

And no way to ever really connect with anyone.  It’s a good way to stay alone, if that’s what you want.

I don’t.  And I don’t like people who won’t speak their truth with me. Or, will speak it with me, but let me watch them pretend to be different with someone else.

So I guess, there was a reason I needed to talk to him yesterday.  I guess I needed more clarity that he really is able to shape-shift into someone that I never knew, for someone else.

Who has the real guy?  I am gonna say I do.  Because I know…about her, about how she and he really are, about how he changes his personality to be with her.  Because I know his secrets, because I never asked him to be someone else to be with me.  I was always the one who knew.  He didn’t have to manipulate me to win me. He once said, “There’s no challenge with you….”  No.  there’s not.  If you want a challenge, which is just a game, go fuck someone else. If you want a connection, I’m your girl.

I do not want a shape-shifting man.  If he thinks he’s not good enough as he is to tell me his truth, then he better find another woman, one who likes the games.  One who lives the same way, and reinvents themselves for every person they meet.

I said to him last night, Why don’t you become 3 men?  Maybe 10?  Why don’t you ask her if it’s ok if you’re with one person on Tuesday and her on the weekend?  Do you think she’d like that concept?  I said, do you think it would be ok with her that you talked about having sex with me yesterday all day?  Hmmmm, I doubt it.

So yeah, it was painful for me and stupid, but boy do I have clarity now.  For the first time in 18 months, he’s not someone I want.  It’s creepy to me, it’s so manipulative.

He tried to break up with me last January or February, before he screwed the prison whore.  He came to my house, we sat on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.  He held me why I cried, he comforted me.  He allowed me to feel that I had value in his life.,

This time, 8 months later,  I got a text, telling me he was going to be with her, and he was busy and didn’t want to talk about it.  And only talked about it when I told him I was coming to his house if he didn’t.

Who the hell was this new guy?  It’s taken me 3 weeks to gain clarity.  He’s a pussy-whipped weak man, who would devastate someone who has been a good friend to him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved him completely.  Why?  Because she had no idea of the intensity of our relationship, if he told her he was coming up here to tell me face to face he would have had to explain.  Or lie.  LOL. Lying seems to be his current choice.  But the man who looked me in the eye last winter and said, he didn’t want to hurt me and he needed to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, never would have.  That man could have the hard conversations.

Now he will say and do whatever he feels, and manipulate her into thinking he’s someone he’s not.  It’s creepy.  It’s creepy for me, that I loved, yes past tense, someone like this.  I run from people like this, I look them in the eye and tell them to leave me alone.  I want nothing to do with them.

There is always a lesson from the pain.  I needed to do this yesterday, to have absolute clarity.

Now I can go out to dinner with Jim tomorrow night with a much more free heart.  A much more healed heart, open heart.  Jim wants to take me to Point Judith (a fishing village in Rhode Island) to a place he loves to get lobsters, sometime.  I was a little unsure, because it would be spending most of the day together, it’s about 2 hours from here, but I’m not now. I look forward to the drive, to being with him for the day.  To the lobsters.  I know who he is, so far.  So far he has been willing to be vulnerable to me, I have not felt an inkling of manipulation on his part.  Nor have I manipulated him.  I told him about S.  He knows what he’s getting, he doesn’t know me well, but enough to trust me.

A….well, A and I had a nice conversation yesterday.  S said he hoped he and I could have a relationship like that.  Not while he’s willing to shape-shift to impress someone, and in the process  carelessly and yes, viciously, hurt the people that love him.  A is the same with me as always, and with everyone he knows.  I met his son, his step son, his friends, he included me in his life because everyone knows the same man, there is no pressure.  Jim is the same way.

S didn’t want me to know anyone. And now I see, it’s because he has a different personna for each person.  He wouldn’t know who to be if I was in the same room with say, his daughter, or one of his few friends.  Being a phony is a lot of pressure.  Which is why he has only a few friends, because no one knows the same man.

Wow.  I get it.  I may be slow, but I get it.  Onward, with men who know and like who they are, and don’t shape-shift trying to get everyone to like them.

Add on:  After doing my morning meditation, I realize he does the best he can, that the shape-shifting is a strategy he developed to deal with what has happened to him in  his life.  It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does allow forgiveness, and release of my anger.  I let him go with love again, but this time, knowing what I am letting go with much more clarity.  I hope he can find a way, before he leaves this life, to be true to himself.

What the Fuck Is The Matter With Me?

Posted on by learning to live like water

So I did something really stupid, for me.  I texted with him today.  I thought I could handle it.  I was feeling detached, happy, like I could just play with him on the phone and be ok.

God, I’m stupid.  I won’t do it again.  By the end of the day, I realized I was so not over him.  That it KILLS me that he sleeps with her once a week….he swears he wasn’t seeing her before.  Should I believe that?  Idk.  I just don’t know.  It doesn’t matter does it?  I cannot stand it.  The thought of it makes me physically sick.

I told him I can’t.  He called me….he said again, what we have, I don’t have with her, it doesn’t involve anyone else.  I said, it didn’t, it does now, because there’s a 3rd person in the room. Not when he’s with her, she doesn’t even fucking know him.  She knows the person she makes him be to be acceptable.  So he doesn’t have a 3rd person in the room.  He has 2 rooms with 2 people.  As if he’s two men.  There is one room, one bed, one man, and two women.  One woman gets in the bed with him, and has a life with him.  The other one cries a lot. Eventually, she disappears.

I feel sick again now.  It’s back in my sacral chakra.  The one where we carry our creativity and our sexuality.  I am sick.  I hung up the phone and sobbed, my head in my hands for a good 15 minutes.  I am still crying.

What the fuck was I thinking?  Who was I kidding?  Geezus.  What the fuck, Deb?  Am I a glutton for punishment?

He didn’t like me saying I snuggled up with A when I went to say goodbye.  I saw him maybe 4 or 5 times after that.  It was the end of May.  I saw him about once a month for a few hours for the next 4 months, maybe he spent one night, one fucking night, even though we talked constantly.  Why would he even care?  Because he didn’t know?  Well, I didn’t know he was talking to Betty Boop.  I didn’t have any idea he wanted to be with her til he told me he was going to be, and he was too busy and didn’t want to talk about it.

He told me I can be vicious with my temper.  Ok, I own that.  I can be.  I use my anger to deal with intense pain.  He can be vicious for absolutely no reason, just because he can be.  He can shove me in the dirt and watch me gasp for air and tell me I’m a bitch because I need air. Because I didn’t see it coming.

Because I loved him so much, and I shouldn’t have, it was stupid of me, and worthy of being treated like a dog. After all, he told me he didn’t want a relationship….except it wasn’t true.  He did, does, want a relationship, with her, just not with me.

Stupid stupid stupid woman I am.

Please God, let the pain make me stronger. Strong enough to know that talking to him will only make me want him.  Strong enough to know better.

Wish I could just run the fuck away.  I wish I didn’t own my home, that I could just move out and run.  I wish my head would stop aching and my heart and my stomach.

I’ve still let go, I hadn’t changed that when I talked to him. But I thought I could just talk to him.  Nothing will ever make this ok.  I just have to get through it, and forget about it.  I wish I could hate him.

It’s myself, really, that I’m mad at.  I won’t ever do it again.  I won’t ever stay with someone who doesn’t want me the way I want him.  I won’t ever tell anyone I love them unless I know they love me too.  I won’t ever give my heart away to someone who doesn’t give me theirs.

I was an idiot.  I set myself up for complete and utter devastation and that’s what I got.  Even though I tried all summer, at least 4 times, to leave him, he sucked me back in.  But he’s not vicious.  No, not at all.  To suck me in for his own ego, and then discard me like yesterday’s trash for a trashy woman. And he didn’t need to be angry to be vicious.  He just needed to feed his ego and get what he wanted at all costs and with the least amount of effort.

Learn, Deb, learn.  And leave him alone.  And if you don’t like this, S, don’t effing read it. I’m the only one who knows who the fuck you are.  THIS is my vicious anger.  Masking my vicious pain.  OMG, I’m so effing vicious.  I wrote a blog, telling the truth.