Tag Archives: love

Amazing Wonderful Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

happy day.jpg

What a wonderful day.

First of all I managed to sleep until 6 AM, which is a major feat for me.  I sat with my computer for a couple hours, and read and blogged, and thought, and meditated.  Two and a half hours passed without me even noticing, caught up in my own world, in my own passions, in my own thoughts.

Then my son came up from his man-cave in the basement, his (maybe) girlfriend had spent the night. (He’s been seeing her on and off for a long time, and I love this girl.) So I had breakfast with them and that was very nice…since he cooked!

Then I showered and went to my bff’s and we made Christmas cookies, 5 different kinds in 4 1/2 hrs….about 35 or 40 dozen.  It was like a cookie factory, but it was so much fun, we laughed so much, we are like a well oiled machine when we start this.  We’ve been doing it for years.  Her daughter and her daughter’s best friend, college girls now, helped.  That was just added joy and fun.  And I got the belly laughs I have been missing, along with the love of an old, long friendship.

While I was there, another friend texted me and asked me to go out for a drink later, in the late afternoon. Another old, long friendship.  Just a drink,to talk, to catch up.  She also just ended a relationship in which she was so immersed, so crazy about the man.   It was just like mine with Scott’s, anyone and everyone knew it was bad for her….and she finally was able let it go.  She still misses him from time to time, but she knows better now.

So when I got done with the cookies, I came home, got dinner started for my son, and went and sat at the bar at a local watering hole with her, and we laughed, and talked with other people at the bar, and had a GOOD time! What a wonderful way to wrap up the weekend, and begin the week!

Am I, dare I ask, dare I say it, HAPPY????  Maybe???

I came home, I put together dinner, with what I had started for my son (and he ate while I was gone for a couple hours) and put on the Sunday night show on OWN that I love, called Super Soul Sessions.  Last week she had on Brene Brown and Tim Story.  The first hour was a repeat, but honestly, I’ve seen the Brene talk (on the Anatomy of Trust) already a half dozen times and will watch it probably a half dozen more.  The second hour started with Elizabeth Gilbert.  The “Eat Pray Love” author who I idolize (along with Brene Brown, lol).   Liz Gilbert was so profound, she got a standing ovation.  Her subject was on finding and following your curiosity, to find your passion….she is amazing.  She is followed by Michael Beckwith, about participating in your own coming out, your own growth.

God, I am happy.  I have no attachments at the moment, to things that bring me down.  I can see them, and feel compassion, I do not feel the need to get wrapped up in them.  I feel the need, conversely, to be myself, to follow my own path, to listen to the inner voice inside me, to do what feels right to me, in my gut.  To love people….to extend love.

OMG, I AM happy!!!  I AM content. I am in love with my life.  I am happy with where it is going.  I am at peace with the past, and the present, and looking forward to what each day will bring me.

What a wonderful day!  To let go of those things that have dragged you down, and to realize that the possibilities are really, indeed….infinite.  I just heard someone say “Happiness is the joy you feel when you move toward your potential.”

Yeah, I’m happy.  😀

 

 

 

 

Saturday Morning, Post-Gong Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

sun and moon

Today is the first day it’s been cold enough to feel like December.  It’s not going to last either, and is supposed to warm up again next week.  I am delighted at that. Saving so much money on heating bills.  And I haven’t had to break out my heavy coat yet.   With the winter solstice upon us, that’s incredible.

I love the two solstices, winter and summer. For opposite reasons….Winter because it marks the end of shortening days, and the return of the sun.  I’ve always wanted to see the Paul Winter Consort Winter Solstice concert at St. John’s Cathedral in NYC.  I have a friend who has gone many times.  He has brought in a sun gong for the last couple.

I love the summer solstice, because it is the longest day of the year.  I LOVE long days.  I love sitting outside at 9 PM in the twilight, watching fireflies, talking with friends.  I used to love someone who liked to do that too…..  Hopefully I will find someone else who can delight in the simple pleasures that the universe gives us.

I have a cat, who was given to me by my bff when I was living alone after I left my ex, and my son was living with him.  I was fine alone, I didn’t have an issue with it.  It was still better than dealing with the chaos my ex caused moment to moment.  But my friend couldn’t stand that I was coming home to an empty house, and foisted Maggie on me.  She’s never been a lap cat, never been cuddly.  She’ll sit beside me at times, but never on my lap.  This morning, I was doing my meditation, and she climbed up on my chest, and sat there purring.  I don’t know what all that was about, but it was sweet.  My head had been pretty clear of thoughts, and when she did that I just thought “love” over and over.

Trying to keep my emotions in check as we approach Christmas, and I’m alone.  Trying not to miss him.  It seems ludicrous to my mind, to miss him.  But last night at the gongs, I think I realized he really did have affection for me.  I’ll leave it at that.  I just started trying to dissect it again, and backspaced out a whole paragraph.  I don’t need to go there.  I know what it was, and I know what it is.  That’s enough.

As with yesterday, I am grateful for what I do have.  My son is off this weekend, it will be nice to have him around.  My bff and I are making Christmas cookies tomorrow.  We make 5 or 6 or 7 kinds, her daughter will be with us, home from college.  We generally have spiked eggnog or something while we do it, and Christmas carols on, and laughter.  Oh I love the laughter.

Laughter endears a person to me like nothing else.  And I haven’t done enough of it in the last 6 months.  I intend to change that balance, so that laughter is the rule of the day, and pain rarely shows it’s face.

Love and light to all.

The End of the Fireworks

Posted on by learning to live like water

the end

My book club is reading “The Untethered Soul” by Mark Singer.  I have seen him on OWN, on Super Soul Sunday and liked him.  I just started the book, but he begins by talking about the voice in our heads.

He asks why we  discuss with ourselves, in our heads, situations and things that we know.  I thought about how I keep re-running the chaos that ended the relationship with Scott, and replaying it in my head.  Why??  do I do that to myself?

I know what it was, I know how it hurt, but I’ll never really get past it if I keep re-living it in my head, or here on the page.  I know what happened, I know how I loved him, I know all the red flags that I ignored, I know what he did to me, to her.  I know how he is now, there’s nothing that needs to be figured out.

I would like to shut that conversation down permanently.  I don’t want to forget, I just don’t want to be obsessing about it.  It was traumatic, yes.  At my age, I’d never experienced it before, and was blindsided that it happened.  But I need to let it all go.  Why give all that bad news my continued attention?

Gratitude is a better place to go. This morning I woke up after a poor night’s sleep and thought about all the things I do have.  My great son, a lovely home, a lot of friends, a decent job, the real possibility of retiring and moving closer to family.  I’m grateful for our incredibly mild winter so far.  I’m grateful to have a few things I love to do passionately.

If I think about my relationship with him, I am going to be grateful that I found out I can love passionately, despite my long abusive marriage.  I honestly never thought I would when I left it.  That I chose the wrong man, is secondary to the fact that I was able to passionately love someone.

I guess a relationship that was so passionate, was probably not going to end quietly.  It was bound to go down in a huge explosion of emotion.  We were night and day, just as he said in the poem he wrote me. When we occupied the same space for a short time, there were fireworks in the sky like the blazing colors of dusk and dawn.  Sometimes it was beautiful and sometimes the display was terrifying.  Now  all the fireworks are spent and I am going to just let the memories fade, pack up my stuff and go home.

I have a lot of good years to live yet.  I don’t want to waste any more of my days trying to make sense of that chaos.  It will be an effort at first, because I think it’s a habit now.  But I’ve never been an addictive person, and I can change that.

With gratitude, and a conscious effort to extend love and compassion wherever I go.

Think It’s Time To Head Out to Unexplored Territory

Posted on by learning to live like water

heading for unexplored territory

Well well well.  A flipped me out today, not in a good way.  I’m sad about it, but it is what it is.

I had said I thought he was on a date last night.  Late last night I got a good night from him, saying he was out.  No kiss emoticons, or hearts, his stand by.  I figured, he’s on a date,whatever.  I don’t need them, lol, I am just used to his big displays of love.  This morning, I texted him good morning as usual, nothing.  An hour later, I said, My intuition tells me you are with someone, so I’ll talk to you later.

Way later, I get a text from him, that he is at Tobi’s (the Santa Fe Christmas woman’s name I guess…).  He’s staying there this week to see how they are after a week together.  He would still like to hear from me but won’t be responding as much or as quickly.

Sayyyy what?????  He just MET this woman Friday night!  Now, seriously, I have had a lot of affection for this man, because when I was broken he was there declaring his undying love for me, picking me up, helping me to put one foot in front of the other.

But ever since I told him not to come here at Christmas, he’s been acting out in ways I cannot comprehend.  I thought it was way inappropriate to talk about Christmas with someone he’d had one date with.  But to move into her house, 2 days after he asked if he could come here to visit after he goes to Michigan?  It’s not that I’m jealous, because I’m not, but I had NO IDEA that he was so needy that he would do something like this.  And how needy is she?  For God’s sake.

He just broke up with the other one sometime last week.  And has plans to go to Michigan the third week of January.  And now he’s holed up at this woman’s house to “see how we are….”

Geezus…  I mean geezus.

I just don’t know him anymore.  I don’t want to know someone so needy.  He’s acting out, something, for someone.  He says he loves me very much.  That’s nice.  Really.  But apparently he loves every woman who gives him the time of day.  What’s special about it?  And I don’t feel that kind of love for him anyway.  But I felt blindsided.  He wants to be best friends, and send “kisses”…. and in the meantime move into the house of a woman he just met for a week…

UGH.  Sorry A.  Be happy and enjoy.  But see ya….he’s crazy.  So he is honest about it with everyone, he’s not a liar and a cheat. But he is needy, and crazy. I dislike men who are needy.  And I just don’t want crazy in my life.  I’ve had enough crazy.  No judgement.

Aren’t there any normal men out there?  That won’t lie and cheat and deceive, and will just let a relationship grow, instead of forcing it?

Cripes.  Well, I’m gladder (is that a word?) than ever that I kept saying no, don’t come see me.  I said it for a lot of reasons, but being true to myself, that I couldn’t feel that connection to him, proved to be the right thing, because now I feel no connection.

ONWARD.

I had a really wicked energy vibe about Scott’s health today.  I thought maybe it was repercussions mixed in with Addie’s crazy behavior . I drafted an email, to tell him, it was that strong.  I thought I’d wait til all the stuff from the day settled out to decide to send it.  I haven’t sent it yet, I still feel strongly about it.  But I also am afraid to open a can of worms that might be better left unopened.  IDk.  I’m not really afraid to talk to him, but like I said last night, there is so much pain between us, he at me for making him tell Betty and finishing the job off myself, so that the truth was out.  And me, at him, for….everything.

I’ve missed him the last couple days, probably because I was triggered by A’s stupid request to come see me when he leaves Michigan’s bed….But what I missed about Scott is sitting on my deck laughing, which had nothing to do with the lies and deception.  God, I haven’t had a belly laugh in 3 or 4 months.

I’m not sure we could ever get to the laughing point again.

I’ll leave it be for the time being.  I am feeling it about his health, but what good would it do to tell him?  Just thinking that as a cancer survivor, early detection is important?  Maybe he’s got a cold.  Who the hell knows why I get these vibes.  I couldn’t send him reiki, I couldn’t get my head into that place on my lunch break, probably because I as still picking my jaw up off the floor that Addie had moved in with a stranger for a week…to see how they are…..(shakes head, again….)

I do think that these two men have been intertwined in my life for a long time.  I think it’s a good thing to make a clean break from both of them.  They are opposite ends of the spectrum.  S lied, deceived, manipulated, but he wasn’t crazy or needy.  A couldn’t lie or deceive on his worst day, but he’s crazy.  And so needy.

Time to head out for new unexplored territory I think.

.

 

 

Caught in the Riptide

Posted on by learning to live like water

riptide

A….just always there for me.  I don’t know why, I just don’t have any idea why but he is.  It choked me up all day.

He got my message, and his response was….

“Good morning, my love.”

No chastising me.  No questions.  No anger.  Nothing, but unconditional love.

I wished he were here with me.  I wished we were snuggling, sharing a cup of coffee, talking, anything.  I do love him, really….but I can’t sustain that. And I don’t know why.  Before, it was because of Scott.  It’s not him, now.  But I think it might be repercussions of him.

Because I got so triggered this past weekend, and by A, the gentlest, most loving of souls….I have to say, I’m not relationship material yet.  I’m ok on the surface, but there’s still a lot of grief, loss, sadness, anger running like a riptide underneath, and at any moment, it might sweep me out to sea and risk drowning anyone who is with me.   And it’s A who has been by my side.

He hated Scott for me when I could not, lol.  He brought me around to feel sorry for him, when the depth of his depravity was uncovered, he was the first to say, “I just went from hate to pity.  He needs our prayers…”  Because S’s actions absolutely indicated a deep and terrible illness.  And even A, who has played 2nd fiddle to S for months, when I couldn’t let go….can see it, and offer up his compassion.

I love A, and I want him in my life.

But I’m not consistent.  This morning I was gonna try to Facetime him when I got home but tonight, I don’t feel it so much.  I really scared myself, realizing that I almost kicked him out of my life.  God, stupid.  This morning, I felt jealous of the woman in Santa Fe….and tonight, I am back to where I was.  I can’t be what he needs and deserves.  But I want him in my life, for sure.

I was still triggered today.  I imagined talking to S….what would we possibly have to say?  “Why did you do that?”  He won’t know, or won’t say.  He’d ask “Why did you tell her….”  Because she had to know.  It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.  You were never gonna tell her the truth, I was going to remain a lie somewhere there.  I’m sick of being a lie, and a secret.  And you would have made me stay that way, and she would have never known the truth.  I fucking loved you, and I wanted to make sure she knew that.  That I didn’t just fuck you, that I LOVED you with every fiber of my being.  That you were trying to be with me just days before.  That I wasn’t what you wanted her to think I was. I was not going to be minimized by you and your narcissism.

You didn’t want to save her pain, you wanted to continue to manipulate her feelings, her love, her emotions.  Just like you did me, but I found out the truth.

So….what would he and I have to say?  Nothing.  Nothing, except I loved you, you tried to kill me.  I don’t know when my heart will ever open up again.  When I will trust someone again.  It was not that you were with her that hurt so much, it was the lies, the cruelty of every thing you did after 10:30 on October 3.  All the voice mails, all the texts, all the sexting, the phone calls, you tried to keep me hanging on while you were with her.  Cruel.  Why couldn’t you just let me go?  Why couldn’t you let me go when you came to the park back in May, and told me you wanted to be by yourself.  Why didn’t you just stick with it?  Instead of asking me to come over? Instead of calling me and telling me you should have come to Florida with me?  Instead of coming here and making sweet love with me?

It’s the loss, of finding out that who I thought you were and adored was some shell you put on for me.  I had to give you up, and then I had to GIVE YOU UP…because you didn’t even exist.  I fucking miss that man who doesn’t exist.  And I grieve for him.

What would I have to say?  Nothing, that could lead to anything but to bring back the pain.

So I almost pushed Addie away today, because the ghost man that I loved hurt me so much that what he did still, 3 1/2 months later,  can stab me in the back when I’m just out for a stroll.

I was drowning this weekend.  Today I managed to get to shore, but I’m tired, out of breath, and traumatized.  I need to do what A wants me to, to “rest in his love.”  And I will.   And S….I’m pretty sure he’ll be alone.  Which is the safest place for everyone else.

 

 

 

Is He a Narcissist? Maybe…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been reading about narcissists, and relationships.  And sociopaths.  I always thought my ex was a sociopath…he fit the bill perfectly.  I think S, my only other relationship, was more of a narcissist.  In my never-to-be-humble but honest opinion.

Here’s what I just read about a narcissist in a relationship, from Emmagc75’s blog Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse.  ( https://emma75love.wordpress.com/2015/12/11/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-2/ )

“People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). ”

I don’t know about Betty Boop, but I am intelligent enough to be self-sufficient, and empathetic (which is why I feel his energy so acutely at times).  I am sure I filled S’s need for adoration and attention.  I believe it’s why he could not let go of me.   I can’t say my ex thrived on adoration, because I didn’t adore him, but I did S.

And those of us who have been involved with someone like this, have a hard time getting over it because not only do we have to deal with a “fake relationship” but we have to deal with emotional and possibly sexual abuse.  There’s usually a good bit of post-traumatic stress thrown in there.

And yes, having sex with us both for months without us knowing about the other, is sexual and emotional abuse. It feels like rape, to be honest. Telling me that he was going to be with her, and then refusing to let me go, trying to get me to see him, to have sex with him, continuing intimate conversations when he was “with” someone else (even though he denied that he was with her, he only admitted that he slept with her once a week, making it sound like he was just getting laid….) is sexual and emotional abuse.  Denying her to me, and hiding me from her, is emotional abuse of both of us, in two ways.  It is a lie, but it is also betrayal of the relationship he had with either of us, to deny it to the other.  The narcissist disappears for hours or days.  He is unreliable, read that, lies.

The thing is, he didn’t just do it to me.  He did it to her too.  So…while it’s obviously personal, he devastated me, now I can see that that’s who he is.  He didn’t give me special treatment, he didn’t single me out….he gave it to her too.  He acted it out differently with each of us. He had a long history with her, which differentiated how he abused her from how he abused me.  He’s probably done something similar to every other woman in his life, all of whom he claimed “hurt” him.  He used to say, “how could I have been so wrong about her (Betty)?”  Oh that’s funny, when he was the one who had sex with her (former) best friend and caused the break-up during which I met him.  Did he think she would stay?  Geezus.

Which is, just, Wow.  The man walks through life devastating people who innocently and lovingly buy into his bullshit, and then claims he’s been hurt.  I remember him saying to me when all the lies and deception were exposed, but Betty didn’t know yet, how he was hurt too. That’s just funny, really.  HE was hurt?  OMG, I feel so sorry for him, lol. He lies and deceives two women who loved him, and speaking only for myself, beyond limit and reason, and when both women refused to play his game, he is hurt.  OMG.  It’s like theater of the absurd.  I have to laugh, now.

God, he has no idea what hurt is.  NONE.  He’s incapable of that much emotion.  You can’t set yourself up knowingly to fail, and then cry about it.

But still….I feel sorry for him, because he’s never going to know the joy of real connection in his lifetime.  I still don’t know why I feel him so much.  And, I am still a believer in the power of unconditional love, (which means, I have to love him in that generic way because we don’t get to pick and choose who we love if we believe in unconditional love and it’s those who appear to least deserve it that need it the most) and when I feel his energy winding it’s way into my gut, I’ll continue to send him Reiki.  He used to talk about going to live in a monastery for 6 months, and I’d laugh….because I couldn’t imagine him going with out sex that long, lol.  But it would be a good thing for him to do, with counseling.  Maybe he could salvage the remaining years of his life.  And stop fucking over people who love him.  If there are any left.

They say a narcissist loves attention, and so does a sociopath.  Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention, it’s just attention.  It’s just knowing that someone else’s head is wrapped around them.  Well…S, this one’s on me.  Here’s a bunch of attention for you.  I hope you enjoy it.

But really, I hope you take it to heart, and get some help, and learn how to love people and let them love you.  There’s so much more to living than playing these childish games. Love always.

 

 

Reiki, Gongs and Kokopelli

Posted on by learning to live like water

the cove

There were some other notable things that happened yesterday, but I didn’t want to mix them in with my realizations about grief and loss last night.  That was such a big deal for me, because I was able to accept that I will feel it, I was able to release some of that and feel free to let my self cry if I need to.  I’ve been refusing to cry over him any more.  Now I realize that what is left is not about him, but about the emptiness left after the destruction was cleared away from my psyche.

Yesterday I went to lunch at the cove.  It was an incredible day for December, it was in the low 60’s, much more like October, or April, than December.  The sun was out and I had the windows down on my car, breathing in the fresh clean air.  The picture above is one I took while I was there.

But when I got there I felt unsettled, nervous, really out of nowhere.  I suspected it was an energy cord from S.  I sat with it as best I could.  I ate my lunch, I read for a little bit. Finally, I put on some meditation music, lifted my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and decided to send him some reiki.  Again, it can’t ever hurt, it’s God-energy and if he doesn’t want it, he won’t get it, but it’s there if he’s open to it.  Giving it calms me down, because the same energy that I send, passes through me and works it’s magic.  It worked for me, I didn’t feel it any longer after sending it for about 15 minutes.  In fact, I was really in a much better space all afternoon at work.  I’ve kind of decided whenever I get these cords from him, this is how I’ll deal with it.  It is a loving thing to do, which doesn’t attach me to him.  And it always helps me.

Then last night when I got home from the gongs at about 9, I stopped at my mailbox and there was a thick padded envelope from Addie. (“A”).  I smiled, to see his handwriting on the envelope.  He calls me Deborah often, not Deb, and addressed it that way.  Inside was a small box, on which he’d drawn a couple of red hearts.  Inside was a pendant of Kokopelli in southwestern colors.  I love it so much.  Kokopelli is such a happy god, and that’s the way I feel often.

But what a wonderful thing to find, and receive, after that rather intense gong bath.  Here’s a guy who can love with his whole heart, knowing that the outcome won’t be what he wants, but happy to love anyway.  I do love him, so much, because he asks nothing except for me to care about him, which I do.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, he is such a contrast to those who would play games, and wreak havoc on people’s lives and their own.  He owns his story, he stands in it.  He is such a blessing in my life.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but his friendship is a gift from the universe.

I guess yesterday was a day of growth, and understanding, and love….I figured out a way to deal with S’s energy spikes that is loving and helps me, I understand why it is so hard to get over this relationship, and then as a reward, had Addie’s unconditional love at the end of the day.

Blessed.  Just blessed.

Change Is In The Morning Breeze

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m running late today.  I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work.  I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.

Thinking about change this morning, starting anew.  Change is the only constant in life.  I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore.  The picture seems pretty complete.  I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached.  Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did.  I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did.  I hope  now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively.  I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him.  It’s still there.  Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.

I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive.  I am hopeful.  I am not needy.  I have a life, a good life.  Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with.  I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something.  Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house.  Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.

The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here.  We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground.  We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure.  We can only hope it lasts til March.

Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea.  Just accept and embrace it.  The universe knows what it’s doing.

 

Choices

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had an unusual conversation with A last night.  He had taken a “good morning” pic of himself in his bathrobe, and said something like “Good morning sweet Deb” or something, but sent it to the woman who he’s been seeing in Santa Fe by mistake.  It was not risque, it’s something he does every day.  But, of course, it did not make her happy…..

I felt bad for her, really, and for him.  He likes her, and I’m sure it would be hard for her to understand our intimate but non-sexual relationship.  I asked him about the other woman up in Michigan, and he said she was off with her “other” boyfriend.   He’s thinking he’s not going to try to be monogamous.   The woman in Michigan is obviously not, the woman in Santa Fe obviously wants to be, but apparently that picture ended it between them.

I told A I could never NOT be monogamous, I can’t do casual sex.  I said, “S would have been happy if I could have done it.”  LOL.  Personally, I don’t see A as the casual sex type, and in fact, I’m pretty sure if I agreed to have a relationship with him that way, he would be completely faithful to me.  I think if he falls in love again, he will be monogamous.  I think he’s just craving affection right now, reacting to the fact that I had to shut down the plans to get together over Christmas.  I know I broke his tender heart again.  I had to be honest.  Maybe it was too soon for me, but I think it was just chemistry.  I have tried before to feel passion for him, and I sometimes feel it but it never lasts.  I want to feel it for someone like I did for S, every day, every moment.  I want to be enough for the person I feel like that about, and he will be enough for me.

I don’t want to share, I don’t do it.  Don’t want to even know how to do it.  S once told me I can change myself so I’m not so jealous.  I said, I don’t want to…..I see no benefit in it.  S felt every relationship was different, what he had with one person he could never have with another, so he wasn’t sharing.   No, except his body.  His intimacy.  Probably his thoughts and feelings.  The things that make a relationship special, and wonderful, to have one person who knows you and cares for you, and has your back.

Nope, not interested in multiple partners.

But the difference between A and S is that A will tell a woman up front, that she is not the only one.  He won’t pretend to two women that they are the only ones, and then do what he wants, the way S did.  A will give a woman a choice first, if she wants to be with him when he might be with someone else.  Neither me or Betty was given that choice, we were taken by deception.

A can stand in his truth and be himself, and own his story.  S cannot.

A has never been anything but monogamous.  I don’t think this choice will last for him anyway.  I think he’s just looking for affection til he finds love.

Interesting, though.  To compare A’s telling me this, honestly, and S playing me (and Betty) for the same end.  I wish he’d been honest with me.  That’s all.  So I could have chosen to have done what I did with  him, knowing the truth, or chosen not to.  But he took my choice away with lies and deception.  We cannot even be friends now, the truth would have at least salvaged a friendship.  It’s too bad that he chose that road.  It’s too bad that he still has not owned it, at least with me.

He will say he has.  He said he will pay 5 lifetimes for what he did to me.  But that statement is about him….how it affects him.  It has nothing to do with acknowledging how it affected me.  It is about how he will pay, not about how I already paid the price for loving him so much.  He’s sorry because he will have to pay.  He’s not sorry that I had to deal with lies and betrayal by someone I completely adored.  He can’t feel my pain, he can only feel his own.  I would guess he feels his own pain with Betty too, but I doubt that he can feel the real pain that he caused her with is lies and deception too.

I have managed to pick myself up, on my own.  To take the hand of the universe, and my friends, and stand back up, dust myself off, bandage and care for my own wounds.  S caused utter devastation and walked away from it, uncaring, unfeeling.  Truth be told he did that with Betty too.  He called her on the phone to tell her, he couldn’t go to her house and face her pain. I told him to go sit with her while she read the hard truths in my letter to her, and face her pain, and deal with it. To let her see him deal with it.  But he didn’t.  He left her alone, to deal with it by herself, as he did me once the truth came out.

At least he treated us equally.

Any way, my feeling is when you choose not to be monogamous, especially physically, you open the door to pain and hurt.  At least, you have to be like A and say it up front, and let someone have free will and choice in whether or not they wish to be with you.  I would always choose not to be with someone who was with other women.  Always.  I should have been given that choice with S.

 

A Long, Busy, Happy Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Been a long busy day.  I didn’t stop for 5 minutes all day, except for lunch.  a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  But lunch was lovely.  I went to my spot at the cove on the Connecticut River, pulled up to the water, and read, watched the seagulls, listened to the wind on the water, and even did a 5 minute meditation.

I was in a good mood all day.  It was sunny (it’s been raining for 2 days here), and not cold yet, which is such a blessing.  It’s been exactly 2 weeks since the big drama, and I feel my blood pressure going down daily (not that it’s ever high.  I have pretty low blood pressure, happily.) My psyche is becoming my own again, I’m much more in balance than any time in the last 6 or 8 months.  I’m not obsessing over some man who was never going to offer me what I needed, or wanted.  I see him….I have always seen him.  I forgive him.  And I’m done with him.  Of course, sometimes I miss talking to him, that was just fun, but it always led to heartbreak, so when I remember that, I can let go of missing him pretty quick.  And easily.

Healing completely just takes time.  But I do believe Rumi is right, the wound is where the light enters us.  And I do believe that what results will be more beautiful than it was.